DISCLAIMER I own absolutely nothing.
How can you cure something you have in your blood when the poison is equal to the antidote?
What should you do when putrefaction gives you life instead of killing you?
He let the cold water fall over his body, lowering the degrees of his skin that seemed to be on fire. So was his soul. And to his shame, so was his cock.
He was no longer fifteen. It wasn't normal to keep dreaming about that kind of thing. He was a grown man in his forties. A father. A husband.
It wasn't right. He felt like a pervert, under the shower, fighting his urge to masturbate. As happened every time the memories of those days crept into his brain.
Soap could not cleanse his conscience. Water ran down his muscular body, but it could not cleanse his sins.
He couldn't let his baser instincts guide him. Savannah didn't deserve that shit. She really loved him. More than he deserved.
She knew. His wife never said anything, but he was sure she knew. Just as she knew of his previous affairs. But Savannah Morgan chose to ignore those affronts.
Their relationship was damaged. Arguments were frequent and kisses were more scarce every day.
Derek sometimes wondered if it was a good idea to ask her to marry him after her kidnapping. Other times he wondered what would have happened if she hadn't gotten pregnant. Would their relationship have gone this far?
Had Savannah been a consolation prize?
Most of the time, he thought not. Savannah had made him happy. He had truly loved her. She was his son's mother. And he respected her more than anything. His actions made him feel so miserable.
When he thought about it, he felt disgusted with himself. He felt like throwing up.
That only happened twice. Those women were no one to him. Just a place to disconnect from his family stress. He didn't even know their names. Savannah didn't ask for explanations. Derek didn't know if she was afraid of losing him or if she didn't care about the whole thing.
But by the time he returned from Miami, everything had changed.
He was no longer the same man. He should have known better. His unconscious was screaming it out. He was never going to get enough of his sin.
She made him feel things he hadn't felt in years. The way she touched him made him feel powerful. Penelope did what she had always done. Make him feel like the sexiest man in the universe. That woman was too good for his ego.
And now she had become his drug. He needed his fix like a junkie. That's what he was after spending that weekend with her. A man hungry for her attention.
But she was out of his reach. Spencer told him that she had rebuilt her life with another man. Apparently, they were just friends. But Derek knew that kind of friendship.
And it wasn't platonic like theirs was. It wasn't flirtation. He could see it in that man's dark eyes. In how he placed his hand on the curve of her back as soon as he saw him coming. All his gestures screamed that he was being possessive. Derek was sure there was more than just pure teasing between them.
He placed his hands against the wall and bowed his head, wishing that cold water would wake up his brain. Luke Alvez. He couldn't even stand that name.
That damn fool had taken his place. A pang of rage shot through his heart.
He didn't take your place. You chose to leave. You vacated that spot. It was Luke but it could have been anyone else.
Derek turned off the water at the same time he turned off the voice of his conscience. However, as he dried his body he could still hear Jiminy Cricket whispering in his ear.
You lost her. And now, he's sleeping in her bed. She screams his name as he makes her cum. She has his hard dick inside her wet pussy. Luke Alvez can touch her whenever he feels like it. Maybe she's giving him a good morning blowjob right now. Like she did with you in that hotel.
"Daddy, I'm going to school."
His little boy interrupted his psychological masochism session. Hank came into his parents' room like a hurricane, ready to give his father a big hug.
Derek returned his hug and bent down to kiss her dark curly head.
"Be good, kid. And have a great time with your friends."
The five-year-old looked up at him with his huge brown eyes, so identical to those of his mother.
"I like this school. I don't want to go to a new one."
"Daddy likes his new office too, baby"
Savannah burst into the room, wearing a black dress that matched her serious countenance.
"He's close to his old friends. You can rest easy, Hank. I'm sure we're not moving anymore."
The woman shook out her silky chocolate hair, as she gave her still-husband a look that could have taken his life away in less than half a second.
Derek decided to ignore her bitter good morning greeting. They never argued in front of Hank.
But as he buttoned his white shirt, he could notice his wife's accusing glance. A sarcastic smile tugged at her lips.
"Why so dressed up, Derek? Is there a party at the station?"
He put the black belt over his dark pants. He didn't want to look at her face. He couldn't. Not after what he had done.
Savannah wasn't saying anything, but he was sure she was just waiting for Julie to leave the house with Hank. She had been swallowing pain for too many months. He was aware that she was about to spew bile filled with rage.
And he couldn't blame her. She had every right in the world to be pissed off. He was the one who had failed.
"It's nothing like what you're thinking" he said without much conviction, putting his watch on his wrist "We have a talk with FBI"
She laughed in response, but it was clear she was not happy with that answer. Savannah approached him, her blue heels hammering the wooden floor.
"Really? All this for her?" Savannah grabbed his jaw and forced him to look her in the eye, "It's not necessary. She's already in love with you. And it's mutual."
Derek held her gaze.
"Savannah, she doesn't even work for the FBI anymore. Don't be paranoid"
She smiled, but her expression was sad. Like everything between them lately. They had tried. They loved each other very much. They had a son in common who was their world.
Simply put, sometimes love also comes to an end. Routine ends up burning everything beautiful that two people build. Life is not a romantic comedy. Rather, it is something akin to a psychodrama.
He watched her walk away, leaning her back against the door. Derek watched her for a few seconds. She was still beautiful. Savannah had the most beautiful face in the world.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, leaning closer to his wife, "I wish I had been the husband you deserve."
Savannah raised her right eyebrow as she whispered what had been inside her soul for months. And to Derek's surprise, it wasn't anger.
"I could have been a better wife, too. But when you have a husband who is clearly no longer in love with you, everything gets very complicated."
Her eyes, so like his son's, filled with tears. Derek again felt remorse choking his throat. She was his wife. He had chosen her. She was Hank's mom. She was his family.
Didn't she deserve one last effort on his part? Didn't Hank deserve to have a happy childhood?
He took Savannah's face in his hands and wiped away her tears with his fingers. She wasn't to blame for all the shit inside him. Savannah didn't deserve to suffer because of his demons, his bad decisions, his dark desires.
She was only guilty of loving him.
"Derek, don't."
Her whisper sounded like a plea. But he ignored it.
Derek brought his mouth close to hers, giving her no option to protest. But Savannah pushed him away with a hard thrust.
The woman scowled at him as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. He froze in front of his wife.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Derek closed his eyes. He didn't even know what he was doing.
"How dare you? You have no right to do that. I'm your son's mother, nothing more. Stop doing stupid things."
He sighed deeply. Savannah was right. There was no point in continuing to reanimate something that was dead. In fact, it had been less than two days since they had signed the divorce. But Derek still felt like a loser. He had lost his whole life for nothing. His work, his friends. She.
"You're right. I shouldn't have done it. I'm sorry."
Savannah looked at him with a crooked expression. She grabbed her purse and left without a word. However, she turned in the middle of the huge hallway.
"Derek, get your life in order. You're so lost. You know something? You were moaning her name in your sleep last night."
She was silent for a few seconds, waiting for an answer that never came. He looked at her without saying anything
"You have stopped having nightmares since you came back from Miami. I know your sister Sarah lives there and that you went to see her. But she's not the one who did the magic, is she?"
He shook his head and walked past her, dodging her gaze. He could feel her eyes boring into his back as he walked down the stairs to the door.
Derek plopped down on the seat of his black Audi. The day had barely begun and he was already looking forward to the end. But the sun scorching the city's asphalt made it clear to him that there were still many hours ahead.
He still had many minutes to waste thinking about her.
As he tried to keep his attention on the road, he couldn't help but think of a useful way to get Penelope Garcia out of his skin, out of his blood and out of his heart.
Heart? Was she still there?
Savannah was pretty convinced about that. But he wasn't so sure. That was something that had nothing to do with love. It was the rawest feeling he had ever felt. No, that was not love.
He took advantage of a red light to close his eyes for two seconds. So much tension was taking its toll on his whole body.
His soon-to-be ex-wife was right. He needed to get his life in order. And he needed to do it now.
A/n: Hello!!
Thank you so much for wasting your time reading my story.
I know for many of you, this is a little out of character. And maybe it is. But there are no good guys or bad guys here, just human beings with their virtues and flaws.
I hope you like it. Kisses. Esther.