Chapter 4: The Color Rose (After Season 5, 04)

Rose stared at the black military-issue satellite phone on the desk. Warily, as if it might explode in her hand, she inspected it. It had an older-style display, something like the Samsung flip phone her parents had given her as a seventh grader. Much heavier than a modern smartphone, Rosethought, but it can probably send texts. After experimenting with the buttons a little, she figured it out. It really was just like a flip phone. Press the 2 three times to type a C…but should I?

She felt flushed under her heavy teal dress, and impatiently wiped the sweat off of her neckline. Nick would probably be angry at her if he learned she were here in his office, thinking of using the phone she wasn't supposed to know about. If he was even capable of getting angry. Rose had never witnessed that. He was politely cordial with her, never raising his voice, absently reciting all that praise be and by His hand by rote. She was fairly certain he didn't take any of the Gilead bullshit seriously. On the other hand, she was certain he saw his home as his sanctuary and wanted to keep it as safe and serene as possible.

Still, Rose assured herself, he'd understand this. She was doing it for him, after all.

She looked through the phone's 'contacts.' There were only two numbers: MT and J. The two initials, she assumed, belonged to the American who had given her husband the sat phone. The other was June's. Rose felt a swirl of emotions staring at that simple letter J: curiosity, jealousy, admiration, frustration, even a strange sort of affection for the woman who owned her husband's heart. June had taken good care of him while in Gilead, and Rose was thankful for that. She kept June in her prayers, asking God to keep her safe, aware of the emotional disaster which would befall Nick if he were to lose his lover. (Rose didn't believe in Gilead, but she still believed in God, and desperately prayed every night for His protection. For them all.)

Steeling herself against Nick's potential wrath, she texted two words to June: Call me.

And then she waited.

You're so lucky you were in Gilead; now you have this beautiful, precious, healthy little angel. But you don't deserve her. Slut. Whore.

After replaying that vile conversation in her head for the hundredth time, June gave up trying to sleep. She untangled herself from Luke, who was snoring softly with his leg and arm draped over her. A blissful smile played on his lips. He certainly should be smiling, she thought. He'd finally gotten laid…after a six-year intermission. She glanced at him as she rose from the bed, making sure he didn't stir. Naked, trusting, exposed. At least, he was—she wasn't. She had kept her bra on the whole time they were having sex. She wasn't sure why. A part of her wanted to hold something back from him. He seemed so happy afterwards, glowing with contentment, while guilt was still gnawing at June. Whore. Slut. You don't deserve him. She finally admitted to herself that she felt like she had betrayed Nick. Unfaithful. Cheating on her beloved with her own husband. Faking it with Luke, who was too blissed-out to even notice. You don't deserve either of them.

God, I'm so fucked up.

She rolled her eyes at herself, and headed over to the closet to get dressed. She wanted to go outside, breathe the chilly air, and set Serena's letter on fire. That would be a satisfying end to this day. Fire had followed June around Gilead—fireplaces in every room in lieu of electric heaters, the twin fires of hatred and passion that had burned so brightly in her heart while at the Waterford home, the house fire Nick set in order to provide a distraction while their daughter escaped to freedom, Serena's attempt to burn her whole godforsaken life to cinders.

June had now managed to light a fire in Luke's heart—bloodlust for Serena, ordinary lust for her. She wasn't sure which one was stronger.

I need to start a fire of my own. Burn that invitation up. Incinerate the word Offred.

She padded downstairs in her socks and was almost at the back door when she heard the beep. Text notification. June consulted the wall clock. Who would text her at 10:00? Everyone she knew was either in this house or already asleep. Rita? Possibly even Emily, if she was still alive? She changed direction, finding her cell phone charging in the kitchen. No new notifications. June frowned until she realized it was the other phone beeping. Her burner phone. Only one person called that line, and He had recently told her he wouldn't be able to talk to her "for a while." I guess the while is over. She grinned in anticipation, until she remembered her interlude with Luke. Guilt warred with enthusiasm.

She took the phone to the cozy little den, hoping the sound of her voice wouldn't travel up through the vents to Moira's room above. Call me, the text said.

"Hi again," a woman's voice said, full of warmth.

"June?" No, you're supposed to say 'hello.' Six years, and I've forgotten how to talk on a stupid phone.

"Yes," the woman said cautiously. Probably wondering who the hell was using Nick's phone.

"Hi. My name is Rose Wharton. Um, Wharton-Blaine. I know Nick."

The cautious tone morphed instantly into something like panic. "Did something happen to him?"

Oh, shit. "No, no, no. Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. No, he's fine." Rose paused to regroup. "He, uh, doesn't know I'm calling you. It's just that, well, he told me he'd talked to you, and after he summed up the conversation, I thought he left a lot of things unsaid, so I thought maybe I could…clear a few things up."

After a beat, June said formally, "I see. It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Blaine. Praise be that the Lord sent a husband to—"

"No, don't. Please don't talk to me like I'm a Gilead wife."

"You are a Gilead wife."

Good point. "Yeah, not that kind. I'm not like that. But it's nice to meet you too, finally. Nick talks a lot about you."

"Really? I mean, um, he usually doesn't talk 'a lot.'"

Rose laughed. "No, he's not exactly a babbling brook. But you're the one subject he does actually open up about. He misses you."

"Oh."

Since June didn't seem to want to elaborate on that, Rose dived in with her main point. "You're probably wondering why he married me. Or why he got married at all."

"Commanders are expected to marry."

"Sure, but…for a while, he got away with acting like a grieving widower, still mourning the loss of little Eden. I think Commander Lawrence taught Nick how to be an actor."

"Well, Joseph is a good actor." She sounded as if she might be smiling at that.

Rather than praise be, Rose dared to say "He sure is." No Gilead woman used the first name of a man she wasn't married to, she reflected. Some of the Wives at afternoon tea even referred to their husbands as Commander So-and-so. "You call him Joseph?"

"Only when I'm on this side of the border."

"Right. Well. Nick met me in DC while he was at a conference with some High Commanders, including my father. Nick paid a lot of attention to me, which was pretty flattering, since he's…you know. Kinda cute."

"Oh, yeah, he's hot as hell."

Rose giggled quietly. "Uh-huh. That's another way to put it." June's actually a lot like you in some ways, Nick had told her once. You have the same sense of humor. He might have been right about that…though Rose suspected June had more strength in her little finger than Rose possessed at all. She continued. "There are only three reasons he was interested in me, and to his credit, he told me two of them pretty soon after we started talking. The first is that I'm not able to carry a baby; I have congenital hip dysplasia, which was never treated and has led to some serious complications. So Nick doesn't have to…you know, try to impregnate me."

"Oh, I'm sorry about that. That you can't have children, I mean."

"Not so sorry I don't sleep with Nick."

"Well, um, no, not particularly. But thank you for telling me."

"I thought you should know that. It's not like he fell out of love with you and wanted to bang me instead."

"Uh, all righty then."

Rose couldn't tell if June was relieved, uneasy, amused…or all three. "I'd stayed unmarried for five years because of my disability," she continued. "No commander wants an infertile, inferior wife. So Nick was a blessing for me."

June's voice turned thoughtful. "Rose, you're risking a lot calling me. You don't have to—I know Gilead is making him do plenty of things he doesn't want to. I don't hold it against him."

"And you shouldn't. I just didn't want you lying awake thinking of him…with me."

"Thank you for that," June repeated. "If you can't have children together, are you, uh, going to get a handmaid?"

"We don't want to. Eventually, though, the aunts might make us. But I'm sure Nick wouldn't treat her like, you know." She trailed off. Like a sex slave. I can't say those words to a former handmaid.

"He would never." June sounded as confident about that as Rose felt. "So what was the second reason? You said there were three reasons he married you."

"Well, he figured out pretty quickly, once we spoke alone, that I'm not a true believer in Gilead. I never drank the Kool Aid. Nick figured he could confide in me, trust me."

She took a sip of water, giving June a chance to comment. "I'm so glad he has someone he can talk to openly. He doesn't have anyone else."

"Yeah, he's been pretty lonely. Since you left, I mean."

"I wish…I wish I'd been able to say goodbye to him. Or take him with me."

"He's very happy you're in Canada, June. Safe. He doesn't want to leave here yet—not until he gets your daughter out too."

"He told you about my daughter?" she stuttered.

"That's reason number three, actually. The most important, probably. Nick only told me this one after we were married and he was very sure he could trust me. My father—Commander Wharton—he's an old friend of Kyle MacKenzie. They were college roommates at Duke."

She could hear June gasp into the phone. "What?"

"Nick knew my biography before meeting me. The first time he talked to my dad, he brought his old roommate up in passing. Nick was so sneaky about it; he steered the conversation to suggest maybe Kyle should be promoted and transferred to Washington from Colorado. And it worked. Now that the MacKenzies are in DC, Nick and I are going to spend every holiday with my parents. They always host holiday parties, dinner parties, that sort of thing. The MacKenzies will certainly be there, so we can get to know Agnes. I've already met her once, briefly; she's a total sweetheart. And she's smart. I could tell she remembered Nick from somewhere, but couldn't place him. He told me he met her once, with you, at their summer house, is that right?" Silence on the line. "June, are you still there?"

"Yes," she squeaked. "So the MacKenzies are living in DC now?"

"Yes, in Cleveland Park, Northwest, though Agnes is at a boarding school for plums in Maryland."

"Plums?"

"Sorry, a school for Commanders' daughters who are finished with regular schooling and are preparing to be wives. They wear plum-colored outfits. It's a new part of the school system."

Speculatively, June asked, "Do you happen to know exactly where in Maryland the school is?"

"Are you planning on breaking in to get her?"

Silence again.

Rose shook her head. Single-minded, just like Nick said. "That's a bad idea. The school is very well guarded, barbed wire fences and all, and the girls are never ever alone. But listen, June. Nick's working on a plan. We'll invite my parents and the MacKenzies up to Boston, then put Agnes in a car and get her north. By His hand, we'll get her out. You need to have a little faith in him."

"She's training to be a wife, married to some middle-aged pervert. She's twelve, Rose."

"I know. I can only imagine your worry. Just…have faith. Be patient a little longer. Please."

"Okay."

"And watch your back: Commander MacKenzie really wants you dead. He knows you're in Toronto, and knows you went after Fred Waterford. He thinks you're coming for his daughter, and wants to send Guardians into Canada to take you out."

"Can they do that? Never mind, dumb question. Okay, I'll try to get my security detail back. Thanks for the heads up." She swallowed audibly.

"Nick told you he couldn't call you anymore; it's because he doesn't want to raise MacKenzie's suspicions. Putnam's, either. Serena Waterford might have told them some things that have made them doubt his loyalty, so he's trying to play the part of the perfectly obedient Gilead man, at least for a while."

"Sounds like Serena. That bitch."

"He didn't mean he didn't want to talk to you. He loves your phone calls. It's just that, well, this time, he told you just enough to upset you, but not enough to put you at peace."

"Well, you've finished the job. Rose, thank you for calling. Really."

"You're welcome. And…do know that Nick loves you."

"Please tell him I love him too. And I'll never stop."