A/N you're welcome ;)
If Merlin had thought the silence in the cave had been awkward before, the silence now was practically deafening. Both Gwaine and Arthur were looking at Merlin, watching, waiting. Merlin swallowed. He had no idea what to say. He couldn't tell Arthur the truth, what would he say? Oh, Arthur, you remember that dragonlord that we were told to find? Well, turns out he was my long lost father, and then he died in my arms the next day.
Absolutely not. Although… he could bend the truth a little, right? It wouldn't matter if Arthur didn't know his name, it wasn't as though Gwaine knew his father's name either. Unless he had also accidentally mentioned that to Gwaine as well.
Shaking slightly, Merlin smiled at the two of them, both who were not only waging a silent war between the other about who was right, but also were simultaneously watching Merlin with confusion.
"Actually," Merlin's breath hitched on the quavering word. "You're both right."
"What?"
It was honestly how amazingly in tandem Arthur and Gwaine could be, Merlin watching as they turned to glare at the other one after that particular explosion.
"I mean," Merlin quickly stepped in to stop them arguing. Not that he really wanted the awkward tension focussed on him at the moment, but if it stopped them from fighting in the enclosed space, then Merlin would live. "Arthur, when I told you that, it was true. I had never met my father before. But then… I got the opportunity to meet him. To meet him… and then… then h- he died."
Merlin balled his hands into fists, curling them into the material of his trousers, biting his lip as he forced the tears down. He would not cry, not here, not now, not in front of either of them.
Gwaine winced slightly, reaching over to place a reassuring pat on Merlin's shoulder. Merlin responded by giving him a watery smile.
"I'm sorry, Merlin. I didn't realise that not everyone knew."
Merlin shrugged, running his arm over his eyes to brush away any rogue tears. The no crying rule just didn't seem to want to happen today.
Merlin looked up at Arthur, and felt something in him clench. He had never seen his friend like this, hunched over, frown marring his features as he stared intently at the ground.
Little did Merlin know, Arthur wouldn't speak to him for the next few days.
The first time Merlin got the chance to speak to Arthur after the whole cave debacle was about a week later. Merlin had been kept busy, between running around after Gaius, his seemingly endless chore list from Arthur, which he had received in the form of a note from Arthur and stopping the magical assassins who had decided that this week of all weeks would be a good idea to kill the king, well, it was no wonder Merlin didn't have the energy to go and talk to his friend.
"You've been avoiding me."
Arthur jumped, startled out of his reverie of staring out the window.
When he looked at Merlin, though, there was a feeling Merlin had never before seen on his face, or at least an emotion that had not yet been directed at Merlin.
Arthur turned away again, his hands clasped behind his back.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Merlin blinked. Tell Arthur what?
"I'm sorry?"
Arthur sighed, and oh, Merlin knew that sigh. That was Arthur's 'I'm-frustrated-at-you-sigh-and-don't-have-time-for-your-games' sigh.
"About your father," and then Arthur really did turn to face Merlin, a haunted expression on his face. "You're my friend, Merlin. I thought we could trust each other. I thought I could trust you… I thought I knew you. But I've had the time to think about it now. I don't know you. Not really. All the times we've spoken about personal lives it's always about me. Never about you. And if the personal questions are directed at you, you change the topic of the conversation, make a joke, deflect it onto something or someone else. And then I thought, why? Why would the person who I trust most in the world not trust me enough to tell me that his own father died? Who am I, if my best friend can't look me in the eyes and trust me with who he is?"
Merlin could hear his heart pounding in his chest. Arthur was watching him carefully. But Merlin couldn't respond to that. How was he supposed to? It wasn't like Merlin had intentionally not told Arthur about Balinor… it had been a trying time for all of them, and besides, with Uther around? If Uther had found out, then it would have been roast Merlin. Quite literally.
"Just as I thought," Arthur sighed, a tired one now. "I no longer require your services, Merlin. You will be compensated by the crown until you can find new employment. This is farewell."
"What?"
Merlin's entire body refused to anything for a solid second, mouth hanging open as he stared at Arthur in disbelief. He was being fired? But… but…
"Why?"
"You know the only reason I kept you after my father employed you was because I felt like I could be myself around you. For once I had someone I could trust," Arthur paused, and Merlin could tell that Arthur was struggling to hold back the tears. "As prince, and now as king, I cannot have a servant who I can't trust. And frankly, looking back on everything, Merlin, you've never told me a single goddamn thing. How am I supposed to trust you, how am I supposed to trust you with anything? How do I trust a man who has lied to me?"
"You can trust me! When have I ever shown that I'm not trustworthy, Arthur? I've been by your side for years! This is ridiculous! You're firing me just because I didn't tell you about my father? This is totally uncalled for!"
Merlin's entire body was shaking, heart pounding in his chest. No. No, no, no, no, no. This couldn't be the end. It couldn't.
"Merlin," Arthur practically growled. There was no warmth in his eyes, just cold, hard anger. "You're not listening to me! I told you. It's not just about your father! I've been checking! You're never where you're supposed to be! You've never actually been to the tavern, I mean, come on, Merlin. Lying to me is one thing, but lying to Gaius? That's low. So where are you? When you're at the tavern. If you don't want to answer my question about your father, then maybe you can answer that one."
Arthur's hands were clenched by his sides, watching Merlin, eyebrow raised.
"I-I…"
"Exactly. You see my point, Merlin? How can I trust you? You can't even answer that one simple question! If you really trusted me, like you claim you do, then you would have told me about your father."
The words were out of Merlin's mouth before he could stop them.
"YOU WERE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME WHEN MY FATHER DIED THAT NO MAN WAS WORTH MY TEARS!"
Panic shuttered Merlin's brain, hand immediately flying to his mouth.
"What?"
Arthur's head was tilted in confusion, brow drawn. Merlin couldn't speak. There was no way Arthur would make the connection, right? Oh no. What if he did? Then Merlin would have to tell him the truth, cause well, telling half truths and not-really-lies was one thing, but outright lying about him being a dragonlord or having magic? That was just somethin-
Oh no.
Merlin would have to tell Arthur that because Balinor was his father, he was now a dragonlord, and then he would also have to explain what actually happened to the dragon, and how exactly do you say, Oh, by the way, that dragon that ravaged Camelot for a week, and you thought you killed? Yeah, that one. Well, he's actually still alive! I spared him! Oh, and now I call him on an almost monthly basis for advice. But don't worry, he's under strict orders not to kill anyone! Yeah, Merlin could see that one going down well with Arthur.
Merlin's entire body was trembling, his mind unravelling, watching as Arthur stood there in silent confusion…
"Balinor was your father."
That was it? No yelling, no shouting? No, "I hereby banish you from Camelot"?
"Merlin, why? Why did you never tell me? If I had known…" the king's words trailed off, head bowed in… shame? No. There was something else there. Not quite frustration, but not quite acceptance.
"That's the problem, Arthur," Merlin whispered, hands shaking, forcing himself to look at Arthur as he panicked internally. "You couldn't have known. I couldn't have told you… and by the time it got to the point when I could tell you… it was already too late."
Arthur's gaze rose to meet his own, steadfast, but perhaps forgiving.
"You mean when my own father died."
Merlin nodded, wetting his lips. He had never seen this side to Arthur before and he didn't know exactly how to proceed.
"Yes," Merlin agreed. Arthur screwed his eyes closed, pain rippling along his features.
"Did you truly not know? When Morgause showed me that vision of my mother, did you truly tell the truth, that you didn't know his name?"
"Yes," he took a shaky breath to steady his nerves. "I swear to you, what I said about my father on that day was the truth, until the moment when Gaius told me the truth."
"Did Balinor know he had a son?"
Merlin gulped, pain lancing through his body, tears already threatening to spill from his eyes.
"I'll take that as a no then…"
A soft silence filled the room, neither quite gathering the courage to meet the other's eyes.
"I'm sorry."
Merlin blinked, looking into Arthur's eyes, wiping the tears from his own as he did so.
"Sorry?"
Arthur nodded, mouth opening and closing a few times, before shutting with a decided clomp. The king sighed, shoulders slumping as he looked down toward the ground, before finally raising his eyes back to Merlin.
"For what I said. That day… even if Balinor wasn't your father, I… I still shouldn't have said it. And I know it was no excuse, but… I was scared, scared I was going to die, and… well, you're my friend, Merlin… so, I'm sor-"
Merlin had no idea what had come over him, but one second he was standing in front of Arthur, the next standing with his arms wrapped around the king in a hug. He squeezed his eyes shut, tears once again welling up. He thought that he had cried all of his tears for his father, but to hear Arthur say that, to hear him apologising for the one sentence which had irked Merlin for years afterward, well… he couldn't help it, his feelings just welled up again. Maybe Merlin hadn't really grieved for his father properly. He hadn't known that, not until now, not until he was given the rights to openly grieve Balinor.
Awkwardly, he pulled away, rubbing the tears away, looking down at his feet.
"Sorry," he mumbled.
"Merlin, it's alright…" Arthur said. "You weren't given the opportunity to grieve your father… and you were there for me when my father died. It's my turn now."
Merlin nodded, barely able to whisper out a 'thank you', before he collapsed into a fresh wave of tears.
He was far from healed, and he and Arthur still had a lot to talk about in regards to this new information. But for now they sat, friend comforting friend.
For once in his life, Merlin let himself grieve.