Jennie's POV
Back at the patio table, Lisa lets go of my wrist and pulls out the chair for me. Feeling like my skin is literally burning from her touch, I rub my fingers over it as she grabs the other chair and drags it across the concrete to sit directly in front of me. When she sits, she's so close that her knees are almost touching mine.
"What could you possibly want to talk about, Lisa?" I ask her in the harshest tone I can muster.
She takes a deep breath and pulls her beanie off again and places it on the table. I watch as her long fingers run through her thick hair and she looks into my eyes.
"I am sorry," she says with an intensity that makes me look away and focus on the large tree in the backyard. She leans in close. "Did you hear me?" she asks.
"Yeah, I heard you," I snap and stare back at her. She is crazier than I thought if she thinks she can just say sorry and I will forget the horrible things she continues to do to me on an almost daily basis.
"You're so damned difficult to deal with", she says and sits back on her chair. The bottle I tossed into the yard is now in her hand, and she takes another drink from it. How is she not passed out yet?
"I am difficult? You have to be kidding me! What do you expect me to do, Lisa? You are cruel to me—so cruel," I say and pull my bottom lip between my teeth. I will not cry in front of her again. Kai has never made me cry; we have been in a few fights over the years, but I have never been upset enough to cry.
Her voice is low and almost feels like it's part of the night air "I don't mean to be."
"Yes, you do, and you know it. You do it purposefully. I have never been treated this poorly by anyone in my entire life." I bite my lip harder. I can feel the knot in my throat. If I cry, she wins. That's what she wants.
"Then why do you keep coming around? Why not just give up?"
"If I . . . I don't know. But I can assure you that after tonight I am not going to. I am going to drop Literature and just take it next semester." I hadn't planned on doing that until now, but it is exactly what I should do.
"Don't, please don't do that."
"Why would you care? You don't want to be forced to be around someone as pathetic as me, right?" My blood is boiling. If I knew what to say to hurt her as bad as she always hurts me, I would.
"I didn't mean that . . . I'm the pathetic one."
I look straight at her. "Well, I won't argue with that."
She takes another drink, and when I reach for the bottle, she pulls it away.
"So you're the only one who can get drunk?" I ask, and a wry smile appears on her face. The patio light shines off her eyebrow ring as she hands me the bottle.
"I thought you were going to toss it again."
I should, but instead I put the bottle to my lips. The liquor is warm and tastes like burnt licorice dipped in rubbing alcohol. I gag and Lisa chuckles.
"How often do you drink? You implied before it was never," I say. I need to get back to being angry with her after she answers.
"Before tonight it has been about six months." Her eyes fall to the floor like she is ashamed.
"Well, you shouldn't drink at all. It makes you an even worse person than usual."
Still staring at the ground, her face is serious. "You think I am a bad person?"
What, is she that drunk that she would ever consider herself good? "Yes."
"I'm not. Well, maybe I am. I want you to . . ." she starts, but then stops, straightens up, and leans back on the chair.
"You want me to what?" I have to know what she was going to say. I hand her back the bottle, but she sets it on the table. I don't want to drink; the one was bad enough, given the terrible judgment I have around Lisa as it is.
"Nothing," she says, lying.
Why am I even here? Kai is back in my room waiting for me, and here I am wasting even more time on Lisa. "I should go." I stand up and head for the back door.
"Don't go," her voice says softly. And my feet stop in their tracks at the pleading tone. I turn around to find Lisa less than a foot from me.
"Why not? Do you have more insults to throw in my face?" I shout and turn away. Her hand wraps around my arm and jerks me back.
"Don't turn your back on me!" she shouts even louder than I did.
"I should have turned my back on you a long time ago!" I scream and push against her chest. "I don't know why I am even here! I came all the way here the second Jisoo called me! I left my boyfriend—who, like you said, is the only one who can stand to be around me—to come here for you! You know what? You're right, Lisa, I am pathetic. I am pathetic for coming here, I am pathetic for even trying—"
But I'm cut off by her lips against mine. I push at her chest to stop her, but she doesn't budge. Every part of me wants to kiss her back, but I stop myself. I feel her tongue trying to pry its way in between my lips and her strong arms wrap around me, pulling me closer to her despite my attempts to push away. It's no use; she is stronger than me.
"Kiss me, Jennie," she says against my lips.
I shake my head and she grunts in frustration. "Please, just kiss me. I need you"
Her words unravel me. This indecent, drunken, terrible woman just said she needs me, and somehow it sounds like poetry to my ears. Lisa is like a drug; each time I take the tiniest bit of her, I crave more and more. She consumes my thoughts and invades my dreams.
The second my lips part, her mouth is on mine again, but this time I don't resist. I can't. I know this isn't the answer to my problems and that I'm just digging myself deeper, but that doesn't matter right now. All that matters is her words, and how she said them: I need you.
Could Lisa possibly need me the way I desperately need her? I doubt it, but for right now I want to pretend that she does. She brings one of her hands to cup my cheek and she runs her tongue along my bottom lip. I shudder and she smiles, her lip ring tickling the corner of my mouth. I hear a rustling noise and pull away. She lets me stop the kiss, but she keeps her arms wrapped tightly around me, her body pressed against mine. I look toward the back door and pray that Jisoo didn't witness my terrible lapse of judgment. I don't see her, thank God.
"Lisa, I really have to go. We can't keep doing this; it's not good for either of us," I tell her and look down.
"Yes, we can," she says and lifts my chin up, forcing me to look into her green eyes.
"No, we can't. You hate me, and I don't want to be your punching bag anymore. You confuse me. One minute you're telling me how much you can't stand me or humiliating me after my most intimate experience." She opens her mouth to interrupt me and I put my finger against her pink lips and continue. "Then the next minute you're kissing me and telling me you need me. I don't like who I am when I'm with you, and I hate the way I feel after you say terrible things to me."
"Who are you when you are with me?" Her green eyes study my face, waiting for my reply.
"Someone I don't want to be, someone who cheats on their boyfriend and cries constantly," I explain.
"You know who I think you are when you're with me?" She runs her thumb along my jawline, and I try to stay focused.
"Who?"
"Yourself. I think this is the real you and that you're just too busy caring what everyone else thinks about you to realize it."
I don't know what I think about this, but she sounds so honest, so sure of her answer that I take a second to really think about her words.
"And I know what I did to you after I fingered you." She notices my scowl and continues. "Sorry . . . after our experience, I know it was wrong. I felt terrible after you got out of my car."
"I doubt that," I snap, remembering how much I cried that night.
"It's true, I swear it. I know you think I'm a bad person . . . but you make me—" She draws up short. "Never mind."
Why does she always stop?
"Finish that sentence, Lisa, or I am leaving right now," I tell her.
And mean it.
The way her eyes seem to burn when she looks at me, the way her lips part slowly, as if every word will hold something, a lie or a truth, it makes me wait for her response. "You . . . you make me want to be good, for you . . . I want to be good for you, Jen".