Jennie's POV
I have only ever seen condoms in sex ed class, where they seemed so intimating. But right here, right now, I just want to yank it out of Lisa's hand and put it on her as fast as I can. I am thankful that Lisa can't hear my indecent thoughts, even if her words are far dirtier than any thought I've ever had.
"Are . . ." Her voice is low.
"If you ask if I am sure, I will kill you."
She smiles and laughs, waving the condom between her thumb and forefinger. "I was going to say, are you going to help me put this on, or should I do it?"
I bite my lip. "Oh. I want to . . . but you have to show me how," I say, realizing that learning about condoms in sex ed really didn't prepare me for how this moment feels, and I don't want to mess this up.
"Okay." She sits on the bed and I sit up cross-legged. Stretching out to me, she kisses me swiftly on my forehead. When she tears the packet open, I hold my hand out, but she just chuckles and shakes her head. "I'll show you, this way." Taking my hand, she pulls out the little disk and uses our entwined hands to place the condom above her. It feels slippery to the touch. "Now it goes down," she says, her cheeks flushed. As both of our hands slide the condom over her hard skin, her eyes narrow and she grows a little larger.
"That wasn't so bad for a virgin and a drunk," I joke.
She raises an eyebrow at me and smiles. I am glad we are being playful and not so intense; it makes me less nervous for what is about to happen.
"I'm not drunk, babe. I had a few drinks, but arguing with you sobered me up, as usual." She flashes her dimples and runs her thumb across my bottom lip.
I'm relieved by her answer. It's not like I want her passing out halfway through or puking on me. I laugh a little at my thoughts and look at her again. Her eyes are clear, not glazed like they were an hour ago.
"Now what?" I say before I can stop myself.
She laughs, taking my hand and wrapping it around her length. "Eager?" she teases and I nod. "Me too," she admits, and I love the feel of her hard flesh in my hand. Shifting her body, she hovers over me. With one knee she parts my legs, spreading them wide, and I feel her fingers rub against me.
I wonder if she will be gentle with me . . . I hope so.
"You're soaking wet, so that will make it easier." She inhales. Her lips meet mine and she kisses me slowly, her tongue teasing mine. Her lips seem to be molded against mine, made just for me. Pulling back slightly, she kisses the corners of my mouth, followed by my nose, and then my lips again. My hands go to her back in a desperate attempt to pull her closer to me.
"Slow, baby, we need to go slow," she whispers against my earlobe. "It's going to hurt at first, so just tell me if you want me to stop. I mean it, okay?" she says gently and looks straight into my eyes, waiting for my answer.
"Okay." I gulp. I have heard that losing your virginity hurts but it can't be that bad. I hope not, at least.
Lisa kisses me again. I feel the silky condom brush against me, causing me to shudder. Seconds later she presses into me . . .
It's such a foreign feeling . . . My eyes screw shut and I hear myself gasp.
"You okay?"
I nod and she moves farther into me. I wince at the pinching feeling deep inside. It's just as bad as everyone says—if not worse.
"Fuck," Lisa groans. Her body is still, unmoving, but it's still incredibly uncomfortable.
"Can I move?" Her voice is so strained and raspy.
"Yeah," I say. The pain continues, but Lisa kisses me all over, my lips, my cheeks, my nose, my neck, and the tears forming at the corner of my eyes. I put my focus on squeezing Lisa's arms and feeling her warm tongue on my neck.
"Oh God," she moans and rolls her head back. "I love you, I love you so much, Jen." She breathes against my cheek. The comfort of her voice mutes my pain slightly, but it persists as her hips slowly roll against mine.
I want to tell her how much I love her, but I am afraid if I talk, I will cry.
"Do you . . . fuck . . . do you want me to stop?" she stutters. I can hear the pleasure and worry battling in her voice.
I shake my head and watch her in amazement when her eyes close tightly again. Her jaw is clenched in concentration; her hard muscles contract and pull beneath her inked skin. The pain almost completely disappears as I watch her coming undone. She brushes my cheekbone with her fingers and kisses me again before burying her head in the crook of my neck. Her breath is staggering, hot and wild against my skin. Bringing her face to mine, she opens her eyes. I would take the pain over and over to be able to feel this way, this deep-seated connection to Lisa that takes me somewhere I never knew existed. The emotion in her brilliant green eyes as she looks into mine unleashes the tears from my eyes; it sends me reeling out into the oblivion and then tethers me back to her. I love her and I know without a doubt she loves me. Even if we don't last forever, if we end up never speaking again, I will always know that in this moment she was everything to me.
I can tell that it's taking everything in her to control herself, to keep this slow pace for me, and I love her all the more for it. Time slows and stops, speeds and stops again as she moves in and out of me. The salty taste of sweat is on her lips as she kisses me, and I want more. I kiss her neck and the spot under her ear that I know drives her crazy.
She shivers and moans my name. "You're doing so good, baby. I love you so much."
It doesn't hurt anymore, but it is still uncomfortable, and there is a slight sting each time she thrusts into me. My lips move to her neck and my hands tug at her hair.
"I love you, Lisa," I manage to say.
She moans and brings her swollen lips to mine. "Oh, baby, I am going to come. Okay?" she says through clenched teeth.
I nod and kiss her neck again, sucking gently on her skin. Lisa's eyes never leave mine as she comes; promises of forever and unconditional love are made as she tenses and gently falls onto me. I can feel the heavy thrumming of her heart against my chest, and I kiss the top of her dampened hair. Her chest stops heaving and she lifts up, pulling out of me. I wince at the sudden emptiness as she pulls the condom off and folds it over and places it on the floor atop the foil wrapper.
"Are you okay? How was it? How do you feel?" Her eyes search my face and she looks more vulnerable than I thought possible.
"I'm okay," I assure her. I press my thighs together to dull the ache. I can see the blood on my sheets, but I don't want to move.
She wipes her hair away from her forehead. "Was it . . . was it what you expected?"
"It was better," I answer honestly. Even with the pain, the whole experience was exquisite. I find myself already fantasizing about the next time.
"Really?" She grins. I nod and she leans closer, pressing her forehead to mine.
"How was it for you? It will be better once I have more . . . experience," I tell her.
Her grin fades and she presses her fingers under my chin, tilting my head to make me look at her. "Don't say that; it was great, baby. It was better than great, it was . . . the best," she says and I roll my eyes. I am sure she has been with far better girls who actually know what to do and when to do it.
Answering my thoughts, she says, "I didn't love them. It is a completely different experience when you love the person. Honestly, Jennie. It's incomparable. Please don't doubt yourself or degrade what we just did." Her voice is so soft and sincere, I feel my heart swell and I kiss the bridge of her nose.
She smiles and wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me to her chest.
She smells so good; even sweaty Lisa is my favorite scent.
"Does it hurt?" She runs her fingers through my hair and twirls a piece over her index finger.
"Sort of." I laugh. "I'm afraid to stand up."
She squeezes me tighter and kisses my shoulder. "I've never been with a virgin before," she says quietly.
I look up at her and her eyes are soft, not mocking in the least. "Oh." My mind produces a hundred questions about her first time. The when, where, who, and why. But I push those thoughts away—she didn't love her. She has never loved anyone but me. I don't care about the women in her past anymore. They are just that: her past. I only care about this beautiful, flawed woman who just made love for the first time in her life.