CHAPTER 48
I sat stunned into utter stupidity. The way Bella had shut down and robotically regurgitated every sordid detail of that horrible night was torture. She hadn't fucked James or Laurent, but she had fucked and been fucked by two women while they watched. Images of what Bella described played in my mind like a fucking porno movie. And I had to admit that the thought of Bella with another woman had been a fantasy of mine, hell it was a standard of most men. The way she described how Jessica had kissed her, teased her and devoured her pussy, made my cock so fucking hard that I thought it might burst through my jeans. But the problem was this wasn't a fantasy, or my imagination. My Bella, my beautiful Bella had been laid bare, her silken skin being touched, licked, and fondled by those girls while James sat back and watched. The image of his skeevy fucking grin popped into my head, and I thought I would vomit all over the upholstery.
She had stopped crying and now just sat there staring at me. Even in the low light I could see her eyes were swollen from crying, and her tiny body looked hunched over as if she was collapsing in on herself. She looked truly empty, as if spewing all of this horrible shit from her soul had drained her, and now she had resigned herself for whatever my response would be. And what did she expect from me, did she want me to yell, to scream and shout, did she want me to call her a dirty whore for what she had done. Was she expecting me to somehow forgive her for everything? I mean, she had said she did it on purpose, to show me, to finally show me how awful and worthless she was. She wanted me to leave her, to cross a line that there was no coming back from, right? But she stopped herself, some part of her, that wasn't completely ruled by the drugs and self-doubt stopped her before crossing that last line. Underneath all that hurt and pain, my Bella had still been there. And the desperation in her voice, as she explained how awful she had felt afterwards. But she also had said that she had done it on purpose because I broke her heart. So, did I bare responsibility for this? It had been me that had drawn first blood when I broke her heart that night in the forest. When my own personal demons had bested me, and I succumbed to my own sense of self-worth and doubt.
"Edward" she whispered, and I literally jumped at the sound of her voice, having been so lost in my own spiraling thoughts. "P…please, say something, anything please" her voice was so lost, so broken, but so was I, I had no idea what to do here. I turned fully to look at her. My Bella, the object of my devotion and dreams for so long. But at the same time the reason for my heartache and pain. That angelic face, her mesmerizing eyes, she still was and would always be the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen or imagined, my broken angel. "I…I don't know what to say Bella", my voice broke having not said anything in so long. She nodded slowly and her gaze fell. "Honesty, right Bella, that's what we owe each other after so long and so much together" I said. She looked up at me and nodded wiping at her eyes. "Please, please God Edward don't leave me" she whispered, "Please don't throw me away, I know I have no right at all to ask" she cried, "I, am just so sorry and, and I love you so much, I just can't lose you again" she begged. "Bella", I said shaking my head and a sob tore from her chest and she bent over covering her face with her hands. Did she really think I would leave her now, after all this? After everything we had been through in such a short time, all my words of devotion and love. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath trying to control a surge of anger. When I opened them, she was still hiding behind her hands, "Bella look at me" I said a little more forcibly than I probably should have, but she continued to hide from me shaking her head and shutting her eyes. "No, please, don't, don't, I am so sorry". The desperation was heartbreaking and wore on my already frayed nerves. "Goddamnit Bella, open your fucking eyes and look at me" I shouted having had enough. She jumped at the anger in my voice. Her eyes were wide, and she leaned away from me, which infuriated me even more. "Now sit there and listen to every fucking word I have to say, because it has been a long motherfucking day. Full of panic attacks, undead mothers, more panic attacks, lesbian lovers, betrayal, arousal, and to top it all off it feels like someone is jamming a rusty crowbar into my spine while electrocuting me" I finished panting.
"You did what you did back then, I fucking knew you had done something, and after dispelling my insanely horrific thoughts of you getting filled out like a goddamn application by two pieces of human garbage. You hit me with a scene-by-scene table read of girls gone wild. And the sick thing being that I was both incredibly turned on and at the same time wanting to vomit everywhere, because you have been and always will be the most beautiful fucking woman I have ever seen or dreamed about. And the fact that those fuckers got to see you, to be able to take in how painfully perfect you are when you orgasm fucking kills me. But you said it yourself, I hold at least some of the blame, right? I broke your heart, and so you broke mine, right? Or is that me just being pathetic again, willing to accept any scraps off the table that is Bella Swan. I shoved my hands into my hair and growled, "Fuck, I can't even fucking think straight with the conflicting urges to crawl in a whole and feel sorry for myself, or to throw you onto the hood of this car and fuck the life out of you. To make you scream so loud that the whole universe will know that you are mine and will remain mine until the end of time. And the fact that after all of this, after all the so-called healing, we have been through, that you would think I would throw you away" I shouted glaring at her stunned form. Without thinking I reached across the console and dragged her tiny body to me. I yanked her across the car and placed her in my lap.
"Edw…" I kissed her hard effectively shutting her up. I kissed her with everything that was left of my broken and bruised soul, if only to prove to myself that she was real and mine. She was shocked at first but then attacked me back. I groaned into her mouth and then pushed her back, "I fucking hate that you betrayed me" I breathed against her lips and then plunged my tongue into her gasping mouth relishing her taste. "I fucking hate feeling weak because I love you Bella" I said breaking from her mouth and then attacked her neck. Her hands clawed at my chest, as she whimpered and panted against me. "If I ever see those fucks again, I may just kill them for seeing what's mine and mine alone" I growled against her ear. "Edward" she whimpered but I continued, "you make me fucking crazy Isabella" and she moaned and pressed her ass into my throbbing erection. I grasped her ass in my hands forcing her further down onto me, "you belong to me Isabella, and only me" I said pulling back to stare into her hooded eyes. "Only you Edward" she cried so I released her behind and reached up to push her hair from her face. "Say it again Isabella". "Only fucking you Edward, it's always been you" she sobbed. "Make me fucking believe it Isabella, make me understand" and she attacked me, latching onto my neck and tearing open my shirt. "Only you baby, it has always been only fucking you, and this heart" she said and pressed her lips to my chest right over my heart. "Your body, your mind, and god help me your strength, you are my everything Edward Cullen. I am so sorry for my betrayal back then, and I long for you to take me, make me yours again. She rocked her hips over me and threw her head back, I want you to fill me, to mark me, to make me scream so loud the universe will know that this body, this soul belongs to no other, only you. I grabbed the back of her head and pulled her lips back to mine, ready to devour her completely. But I stilled her as we sat there panting in each other's arms. We were wild with want, an inferno raging in our hearts. "Then take me home Bella…Take us home".