Chapter 34

Jedi temple

It was late at night when Anakin finally decided to go to bed. He, along with his trusty astromech R2D2 had made significant progress on the droids. As he lay awake in his small bunk, staring up into the darkness, he reflected back to the dinner date he'd had earlier that evening. The kiss Julie had given him had been unexpected, and it had confused Anakin. Part of him had been delighted – it had been a very long time since he'd had any sort of physical interaction with a woman. A very long time. He knew that Julie would be more than happy to fill his needs for him, were he to give her the smallest hint of interest. So why does that bother me so much? I haven't been laid in almost year …why do I feel guilty just thinking about this?

Anakin rolled onto his side, doing his best to get comfortable in the small cot. He'd never been a great sleeper, particularly when something was weighing on his mind as it was presently. He had a therapy session in the morning with Dr. Wallig, and was hopeful that the good doctor would be able to help him work through this quagmire of conflicting emotions.

The next morning

"Good morning, Anakin," Dr. Wallig said as he sat down. "How are you doing today?"

"I'm alright," Anakin said. "Didn't sleep terribly well."

"Any particular reason why?"

Anakin shrugged, and averted his eyes. "I had a date last night," he said.

Wallig raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Well, that's wonderful," he said. "How did it go?"

"It went well, I guess," Anakin replied.

Wallig nodded. "Who was the young lady?"

"Just a girl I met at my lawyer's office," Anakin replied.

"And you asked her out? Or did she initiate?"

"She did," Anakin said. "She admitted that she'd had a crush on me for years when I was the Hero with no Fear," he said. "I think that's why she asked me out."
Wallig nodded. "So, you think she asked you out simply because of your celebrity?"

"Why else?" Anakin asked. "She doesn't even know me."
"And yet you accepted her invitation," Wallig pointed out.

"I didn't want to hurt her feelings," Anakin responded.

Wallig nodded. "I see," he said. "Your feelings didn't figure into it at all?"
Anakin frowned. "What do you mean?"
"I mean surely you must feel something for this woman if you were willing to spend an evening with her," Wallig said.

"I don't know her; how can I have feelings for her?" Anakin said.

"Fair enough," Wallig replied. "But on some level, you must have wanted to, or maybe needed to, connect with her."

"Maybe, I don't know," Anakin said.

"Was there any intimacy?" Wallig asked.

"She kissed me," Anakin said. "And invited me into her apartment. I didn't go in, though. Didn't feel right."

"Understandable," Wallig replied. "Tell me, how did it feel when she kissed you? Did it excite you?"

Anakin shifted in his chair, starting to feel uneasy with the line of questioning. "Well, I guess so," he said. "I mean, I'm a man, she's a woman, an attractive woman," he said.

"But not excited enough to accept her offer of intimacy," Wallig said.

"What, you want me to describe my physical reaction to a kiss?" Anakin asked heatedly. "Seriously?"

Wallig smiled. "Not at all," he said. "I'm simply trying to get you to think through the situation. You're a young man, and I imagine when you were married enjoyed a healthy sex life, am I right?"
"We were apart a lot because of the war," Anakin replied. "But when we were together…yeah, you could say so."
"And it's been how long since you've been with your ex-wife? Months?"

"Nearly a year," Anakin said.

"So, I guess I'm just wondering why you are reluctant to be intimate with a woman who you're clearly attracted to, who's clearly attracted to you," Wallig said.

Anakin sighed, and looked again. "It made me feel…guilty," he said.

"Why?"

"Because I feel like I'm cheating on Padmé," Anakin said quietly.

"But you're not married to her anymore," Wallig said, trying to get Anakin to open up more. "So why would you feel that way?"

Anakin looked at him. "I don't know," he said. "You're the shrink, you tell me!"

Wallig smiled. "I don't think you need to be a shrink to figure it out, Anakin," he said. "You're still in love with your ex-wife. Am I wrong?"

Anakin said nothing for a while. "I don't know how I feel anymore," he said finally.

"There was a lot of hurt there, I know," Wallig said.

Anakin nodded.

"But underneath it, there are clearly still deep feelings," Wallig commented. "And until you come to terms with them, you will never be able to move forward, Anakin."
"I know," Anakin replied. "So how do I do that? How do I move on?"

Wallig smiled. "That's what we're going to work on next," he said. "I'll be with you every step of the way."

Anakin smiled. "Thank you," he said.

Jedi temple

"This is marvelous," Padmé said as Obi-Wan and Yoda showed her the progress they'd been making. "I'm so impressed."

"We have been very motivated," Obi-Wan said.

"I can see that," Padmé replied with a smile. "So how many Jedi have found their way back?"

"Seventeen," Obi-Wan said. "It's a start."
"Lifted the restrictions we have," Yoda said. "The Jedi we have will need to have families now to increase our numbers."

Padmé nodded, the smile fading from her face. If only you'd thought of that sooner, she reflected bitterly. "I suppose that's s good way to ensure more Force sensitive children," she commented.

"Speaking of which, have you considered having Luke and Leia's medichlorian count measured?" Obi-Wan asked. "I'm sure given Anakin's count, theirs will be extremely high."

"No, I haven't," she said. "But they will be with Anakin for the next two weeks starting tomorrow, so perhaps he will."

"I'm sure he'd want to ensure that you agreed to it," Obi-Wan replied, feeling rather awkward.

"Perhaps," she said. "Let's continue with the tour, shall we?" she said, not wanting to talk about Anakin anymore.

For the duration of the rest of the tour, Anakin's name wasn't mentioned, for both Yoda and Obi-Wan had sensed how uneasy Padmé was at the mention of if. Even when they were showing her how many new droids they had, droids that had been programmed largely by Anakin, his name didn't come up.

Padmé was contemplative as she made her way back to the Senate. She wanted to reach out to Anakin, but had promised him that she'd give him space. Padmé had always been a person who worked through her problems by talking them out, but the situation she found herself in was so unique that she didn't know who to talk to, who could relate. But perhaps just talking to someone would help, she mused. And I know just the person to talk to.

Later that evening

"Can I get you anything, milady?" Dormé asked as she joined Padmé on the balcony.

"No, thank you," Padmé replied. "Are the twins asleep?"

"Yes," Dormé replied. "Are you sure Anakin will be able to handle the two of them on his own?"

"Oh, I'm sure he's engaged some help," Padmé replied. "You know yourself what a handful they can be."

Dormé smiled. "Oh yes, I do indeed," she said. "Well, if there's nothing more, I'll say goodnight," she said.

"Goodnight," Padmé replied. She watched the city lights for a few moments longer, then, deciding it was a good time, headed inside. She sat down at the computer in her bedroom and keyed in her sister's contact number.

"Hello Sola," Padmé said when she saw her sister's face on the screen. "It's so good to see you!"

Sola smiled. "And you too, Madame Chancellor," she said. "How is the new job?"

"Busy," Padmé replied, "but I'm enjoying the challenge."

"And how are Luke and Leia?" Sola asked.

"Getting bigger every day," Padmé told her with a smile. "They're crawling now, and starting to pull themselves up. I can't imagine how busy things will be when they start walking."
Sola laughed. "Oh, I remember those days," she said. "You'll be kept on your toes, no doubt. But you have help, right? Dormé is still with you?"

"Yes, I don't know what I'd do without her," Padmé said. "They are going to stay with Anakin for two weeks starting tomorrow," she continued. "I can't imagine how that will be, I've never been away from them."

Sola nodded. "It will be hard for you," she said, stating the obvious. "But you can't expect Anakin not to want joint custody."

"No, of course not," Padmé said. "I just wish things could be different."

Sola regarded her sister for a moment or two. "You are still in love with him, aren't you?"

Padmé simply nodded in response.

"Does he know how you feel? Does he know you want to get back together?" Sola asked.

"Yes," Padmé replied. "He knows. The trouble is, he doesn't trust me anymore, Sola. I've hurt him so deeply that he's reluctant to get involved with me again. And it's killing me! He went on a date recently, Sola! I feel sick just thinking about it!"

Sola frowned. "I'm sorry," she said. "But maybe he's got the right idea."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean maybe it's time to move on," Sola said. "Maybe you ought to find yourself a nice young man to date."
Padmé widened her eyes. "Please tell me you're joking," she said. "I love Anakin! I could never care about another man, not even remotely!"

"No, but perhaps if you went on a date, it would give Anakin a kick in the complacency," she said.

"Excuse me?"

"Perhaps if he thought he was going to lose you to another man, it might make him realize what you mean to him," Sola said.

"You're assuming that I mean anything at all to him," Padmé replied.

"Come now, of course you do," Sola said.

Padmé frowned. "I don't know about that," she said. "And besides, I'm not sure how I feel about manipulating him that way."

Sola shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you then, Padmé," she said. "I wish I could be of more help."

Padmé smiled. "Just listening to me is plenty of help," she said.

"Well, I'm always here for you, you know that," Sola replied. "Even if it's just to listen."

"I know, and I love you for it," Padmé replied.

Sola smiled. "I love you too."