A.N. This was originally a one-shot, but as filming is currently underway on the reboot of the series, it seemed more urgent for Reid to make a decision. Even if MGG has, sadly, already made it for him.

To BAU or Not to BAU

Chapter 2

Reid's ruminations had left him undecided. There were some very enticing aspects to the prospect of going back, some of them even existential. But he couldn't ignore the fact that he'd left for a reason, even if much of that reason had been caught up in the turmoil of emotion and loss.

Maybe I should treat it like removing a bandaid, best pulled off rapidly, and gotten over with. In which case, it's already done.

Not able to see the wry smile that came over his face as he thought about what Linda Kimura might say about that. Or even Savannah Morgan, for that matter.

Which made him wonder if the latter had yet given birth to baby number two. She wasn't due for another three weeks, but his exhaustive research during JJ's pregnancy with Henry had taught him that she might safely deliver at any time.

Morgan left that way. I feel like I would have known if he'd been considering it. He would have told me.

Derek Morgan had made a seemingly impulsive decision to leave the BAU on the night he'd had to fear for the lives of both his wife and his soon-to-be-born son, and after having suffered a life-threatening ordeal himself. With baby Hank safely delivered, and Savannah's life no longer in danger, Morgan's decision had been more celebratory than regretful.

It happened that quickly with Hotch, too.

Who had disappeared literally overnight, without even a word of farewell. His departure had been precipitated by an immediate threat to him and his young son, Jack. They'd gone into witness protection, and only emerged years later, when their tormentor had been killed. But Hotch had never returned to the BAU.

Even with Gideon.

Who had toed the line between saying goodbye, as with Morgan, and disappearing without notice, as with Hotch. Gideon had left the team abruptly, after the murder of the woman he loved at the hands of a serial killer with whom he'd done battle. But Gideon had left a letter.

At least I was up front about it. I considered it for a long time, and then I gave Emily two months' notice.

But, while he'd spent time in personal consideration, he'd never shared his deliberation with his colleagues. Never told them he was thinking about it, never asked for input. Never wanted to risk being talked out of it.

Which, I guess, is what happened with Morgan. And even with Gideon. They knew it would be harder to leave, if they'd told any of us they were considering it.

Because, after all, and maybe even above all, the BAU functioned as a team. A family, of sorts, even if they were occasionally dysfunctional about it. What affected one, affected all. In some ways, that fact should have made it more difficult to remain silent about a decision to leave, if only out of respect for their colleagues. But it also made it more difficult to share, because it was only human for their colleagues to evaluate the impact of the loss on their own lives, and not simply on the life of the 'leaver'.

And considering how invested we'd all become in one another, that was inevitable.

So, having been through it once, he had to wonder if it would be wise to put himself into the position of having to leave again. For, inevitably, that time would come.

He came to realize that he'd been examining all of the reasons why he might or might not decide to return, but he hadn't really thought about another aspect of it.

Why did the rest of them decide to come back?

Why Emily, who had been planning to relocate to Denver with her fiancé? Why Alvez, who had returned to the New York field office? Why Garcia, who had declared herself in need of distance from the work they all did, and taken up with a west coast tech firm? Why Rossi, who had been making a slow walk towards his second retirement? Were they unhappy in their positions? Was Rossi having trouble at home, or trouble staying home? Had Emily's relationship taken a bad turn?

And why JJ? The moves Luke and Emily made were lateral, but JJ was actually moving up. Why would she decide to take a step back?

They'd purposely kept in very loose touch, most of his contact having been with the boys. Now he began to wonder if the touch had been too loose.

Maybe something's wrong. Maybe that's why she wants to come back. Or maybe she 'needs' to come back. But wouldn't Henry have told me if there was a problem?

Then remembering how private and controlled JJ could be, even with her family, if she decided it was necessary. Maybe Henry simply didn't know. Or maybe she was protecting him.

He felt himself falling back into a familiar pattern of worry about the woman who had been his best friend for most of his adult life, even if they'd had to suppress other feelings in the course of their friendship. Those other feelings had made things awkward toward the end of their tenure with the BAU, and were the reason for the artificial emotional distance between them. He'd had the benefit of the past several years to sort through his feelings, and had no qualms about keeping them platonic, and he expected the same of JJ. Still, he was wary about even worrying about her, in part because his imagination could come up with at least a thousand things to worry about. But was he supposed to?

That's what friends do, isn't it? They enjoy, they worry, they step in, they help. So why wouldn't I do it for her?

Which didn't help him at all with his dilemma. All he'd done was to create drama in his mind about someone he cared for, and more people he cared for, and he couldn't even know if they were coming back to the BAU because they wanted to, or because they were fleeing something else.

At least that's not the case for me. I wouldn't be fleeing anything.

Except, maybe, loneliness. Or a loss of depth to his sense of purpose. Or, if he was honest, a little bit of boredom. Teaching was intellectually stimulating, but it hardly got one's adrenaline going. And, while he never would have predicted it, he had become a little bit addicted to the adrenaline rush of making a breakthrough, or closing out a case.

Reid took mental inventory. He'd considered many of the pros and cons of his own return. He'd wondered why the others had made a positive decision, without enough information to understand it. Now he thought to consider why those who were apparently not returning had made that decision.

Unless they didn't make the decision. Maybe they weren't invited. Maybe it was just assumed they wouldn't return. But if they were invited?

He concluded that the imminent expansion of Morgan's family would have precluded a move, let alone a change of occupation, and especially not back into one that was so often fraught with danger. And maybe Hotch, having already made the difficult departure, would not want to assume the risk of leaving Jack an orphan. Although Reid was pretty sure Hotch would have come back if he'd not had Jack to consider.

He had unfinished business when he left. That was always obvious.

As did Reid, and as did they all, really. Each of them had been more affected by some cases than others, and they hadn't caught every serial killer they'd sought. A few had even managed to taunt them, whether or not they were in captivity. Perhaps it was that sense of unfinished business that was bringing each of them back.

Reid knew his former colleagues well enough to know that vengeance would never be a motivating factor. That wasn't who they were. It was, in fact, something they'd each had to actively squelch, lest they become more similar to their prey than not. But justice…..the honoring of the lives lost, the respect for those who mourned their beloved dead, the provision of a sense of safety to the rest of society….that was motivation.

Hotch's nemeses, George Foyet and Peter Lewis, were dead. As was, presumably, Everett Lynch, who served the role for Rossi. But Reid's own nemesis, his own personal tormentor, Cat Adams, was very much alive, and awaiting execution.

Talk about unfinished business.

The woman he'd first met during what had been, essentially, a BAU sting operation. The woman who had set her sights on him that night, and ever since. The woman who had masterminded the operation that had sent him to prison, even if she'd been a step removed from the tortures he'd endured there. The woman who had forced him to see the darkness within.

But it was JJ who helped me to come to terms with it.

Inexplicably, Cat had managed to worm her way out of prison and back into his life for a single evening during his final year with the BAU. Not so inexplicably….at least once he'd had time to ruminate on it… he'd not resisted it. At the time, he'd been surprised, and annoyed, and a little intimidated. But later, he'd come to realize that he was drawn to Cat because she was drawn to him. She prioritized him in her mind, targeted him with her machinations, and even if it was usually for ill, her focus on him was, in its own demented way, flattering.

And dangerous. Maybe deadly. Something to be avoided.

Which he'd managed to do, in academia. Not that he was deluded enough to think that Cat hadn't somehow been able to keep tabs on him. But, he thought, the fact that he was no longer in the unit that would chase her had taken him out of the game.

So maybe it really was the game she was fond of, and not just me.

He might find that out by returning to the BAU. He might find out what had motivated each of his old friends, in both directions. He might regain his sense of purpose.

But I do have a purpose, in academia. I do make a difference, many students have told me so. And maybe I don't need to find out about Cat. Maybe she should stay in the past, even if she has trouble staying in prison.

The one insight he'd gained from this prolonged internal debate was that he did need to know about his friends. They had served as his default family for a very long time, and while the younger version of Reid might have been able to put them behind him, the older, more mature version realized that one should treasure the kinds of relationships they'd had. Honor them. Fulfill them. For, if any of them were in trouble, he felt an obligation to walk with them through it.

So maybe I'll tell Emily that I might be interested, and would love to meet with her. With all of them, for that matter. I won't commit to anything, not right away. Maybe not ever. But we'll talk. It will be good to see them.

Won't it?

So, they're filming and MGG doesn't seem to be with them. Sigh. To my eye, Reid has always been that character who had experienced enough trauma to have harbored a criminal mind himself, which made things all the more intriguing. Among other things. The show simply won't be the same without him. Gonna have to spend more time with him here.