"Does it bother you?"
Meredith watched the fish swim inside the tank. Dr. Wyatt had acquired a new one. A clown fish.
"Why would it bother me?" Meredith turned to her as she raised a brow. She stood from the arm of the couch and paced to the opposite side.
"Well he was a surgeon when you met him-"
"He was a guy in a bar," Meredith corrected her, "He was supposed to be a one night stand, remember."
"And then you found out he was an attending. You pursued each other and you fell in love," Wyatt summarized. Although her summary was overly simple. It sounded simple and sometimes she wanted that simplicity.
"Why did you fall in love with him? What attracted you to him?"
Meredith crossed her arms. She licked her lips as she carefully thought out her answer. She smiled gently before turning at the woman in the chair.
"His confidence," she admitted, "He was so sure I was going to fall for him that night we met and he didn't run the morning after. He lingered and when I saw him at the hospital, he ran after me."
"And you reminded him it was inappropriate, right?" Wyatt asked.
"I did," Meredith sighed, "And he backed away. And then he let me scrub in on a surgery and that same confidence I saw that night was the same one in the OR."
Wyatt nodded as she watched Meredith pace in the room.
"He was always so confident," Meredith sighed, "Even when he wasn't, when he hesitated, I knew his arrogant self would eventually come out. I loved that. Even when I hated it, I loved it."
"Loved?"
Meredith froze. She didn't mean that. She still loved him.
In a big, pretend to still like his music- even though she had told him he had no taste in it. He laughed.
She'd let him eat the last piece of cheesecake. But now he'd offer to split it in half.
She'd hold a radio over her head outside his window if they lived apart but she'd already built him a house of candles. And he built their home over it.
And even though she hated him sometimes, she still loved him. And even when he hated her, he loved her.
She was still in love with Derek Christopher Shepherd.
"I know he isn't just a surgeon. I know that, I-" Meredith blinked, "I told him I would still love him if he didn't come back and I meant it-"
"So what's holding you back?"
Meredith let out a deep sigh. She meant it. She truly meant it and she loved him for more than being the hot shot neurosurgeon. But she'd also seen what not being that meant. And it scared her sometimes.
"You're scared because he's not coming back to surgery?"
"I thought it was fine at first, I thought," she blew out a puff of air, "I'm just scared that he'll be angry and he'll resent- he was a hot shot surgeon! People flew in from everywhere just for him!"
Meredith shook her head as she tried to suppress her tears.
"You're scared you won't-"
"No!" Meredith cut her off, "I would still love him if he were a surgeon or not. I get to fight with him and yell and scream. I get to do that!"
"So then why are you really scared?"
Why was she so scared? His recovery had gone well. Their daughter was born healthy and strong. Their children had both their parents. Wasn't it enough?
"I'm scared he won't be the same Derek," she whispered quietly.
"What if he isn't?" Wyatt leaned forward, "What if this man, this new Derek, is someone who just wants to live? What if that's enough for him?"
Meredith bit her lip and turned to the fish again.
"We are human," Wyatt continued, "We are allowed and supposed to learn from mistakes no matter where they come from. We don't often get second chances but when we do, we decide what we want to do with them. He has chosen you and your family."
Meredith slowly turned her head again.
"You are his second chance."
"Hi, we're here to see Dr. Shepherd?"
Amelia turned to the mother and daughter, seemingly asking for her, "Hi. I'm Dr. Shepherd, how can I help you?"
The nurse smiled as she walked away, "Oh, um no we were looking for-"
"Derek," the young girl answered. "His name is Derek and I'm pretty sure your name isn't Derek."
The young girl chuckled a little as her mom gently chided. She had dark hair, about ten maybe eleven or twelve years old.
"Um, no. I'm definitely not Derek," Amelia nodded as she set the tablet down, "he's no longer, um."
Their grins dropped, "Oh no, is he-"
Amelia's eyebrows furrowed, "Oh! No! He's totally fine. He's still the same anno-"
She paused. How did this woman and this child know her brother?
"Let's go back a bit," Amelia chuckled, "Why are you looking for Derek?"
"You were there," Meredith's voice erupted from behind them, "You're the girl from the hospital."
Meredith placed her tablet down on the counter and walked closer, "You're the little girl that was in the hospital. And you're her mother."
Amelia's head snapped to her sister- that's what she was now. She was her sister.
"You knew his name," Meredith turned back to the child, "You told him he was alive."
Winnie. Her name was Winnie. Derek had mentioned them once. Briefly. And then he never talked about it again.
"He saved our lives," Winnie smiled, "I remember you too."
"I found him at that hospital because of you," Meredith nodded and extended her hand, "I'm Meredith, Derek's my husband. And this is his sister Amelia."
"He jumped on top of the car like some kind of superhero," Sarah chuckled, "He asked if I was okay but I was too worried about Winnie so-"
Amelia brought her a coffee and sat next to her sister- Meredith. They sat across the mother and daughter duo in the conference room, listening to Sarah as she detailed that fateful day.
"He reached to the back and checked on me," Winnie interrupted, "I thought I was dead but he taught me to check if I'm alive."
Winnie placed two fingers over her left wrist.
"He taught you how to check your pulse," Amelia smiled, "He taught me that when I was a little younger than you too."
After their father was shot. He taught her then.
And when he performed CPR when she had overdosed.
Stay with me Amy, Stay with me!
They listened as they recalled the events. They spoke about how he broke the glass window on the back of her seat. How he didn't sugarcoat anything. He was honest and direct. Gave them firm instructions and walked them through every procedure he did so that when they were in the hospital, they knew what to say.
Like an attending surgeon in the O.R.
They talked about how he was offended when Alana- the other girl- said she would die. He had been adamant about not letting anyone die.
Hot shot, Meredith had thought.
"He saved us and the other teenagers in the other cars," Sarah continued, "He was patient. He used whatever he could to keep us alive."
"And he made a smoke signal," Winnie remembered, "Well the car exploded but it worked as a signal. That's how they found us."
Meredith chuckled. It all sounded like him.
"You said you're his wife? You know he spoke of you," Sarah glanced at Meredith, "I mean, the last thing that man told us was about you. About the first time, he kissed you."
"Seriously?" Amelia asked with a slight chuckle.
Meredith said nothing.
"He said, 'Every kiss before the right kiss doesn't count," Sarah nodded, "And then he talked about how you were just a girl in a bar. I have been searching for a man like that ever since."
So what's your story?
I don't have a story. I'm just a girl in a bar.
I'm just a guy in a bar.
The girl and the guy in the bar had no stories then. They were simpler people. But when they became Meredith and Derek, they were tormented with pasts so complicated that it nearly buried them alive. And the story they wrote together had twists and turns that no one expected they'd survive. Yet somehow, they beat the odds.
"He has that effect," Meredith's eyes watered as she chuckled.
McDreamy. Of course he'd go all McDreamy that day.
"We owe him our lives," Sarah continued, "We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him."
"Thank you," Amelia muttered, "For telling us what happened."
"Daddy, daddy! Look at me! I'm riding all by myself!"
Derek smiled as Zola balanced on the bicycle and rode in circles around the yard, "You're doing it Zo! Keep going, princess!"
Her squeals of delight filled the air. He turned to his son and smiled as the young boy rode on his trike.
It'd been a year since a collision with a semi nearly robbed him of the opportunity of doing this. Of being able to be out in the open land where he had dreamt up a home for him and Meredith. Where he could clearly picture himself growing old with his wife and watching their children grow up.
He glanced at the baby monitor in front of him. Their youngest, Ellis, was sound asleep in her porta-crib in their living room.
A car slowly pulled up and parked in front of the house. Derek recognized it and watched as Miranda Bailey stepped off.
"Daddy, who that?"
"That's Dr. Bailey, wave hello to Dr. Bailey" Derek answered the small blonde boy as he jumped off the trike and ran towards him.
"Picking up the kids, now Shepherd?" Miranda chuckled as she waved to her namesake. She gently tickled his belly before Derek put him down, "Looks like you're done taking it easy."
"Are you kidding? It's the only reason why I even did PT!" Derek chuckled, "So I can carry these three."
Derek let Bailey go and watched as he chased his sister to the swings.
"Hi, Dr. Bailey!" Zola shouted from her place.
"Hi, sweetheart!" Miranda's voice softened as she greeted the little girl, "Where's the newest baby?"
He gestured towards the monitor on the table, "Sound asleep."
"Is she more like you or Grey?" Miranda chuckled.
"Oh she's her mother's daughter," Derek pulled back a chair for her to sit, "So to what do I owe this visit to…Chief?"
Bailey smirked. She set her purse down with a long sigh, "It still hasn't settled in yet."
Derek chuckled, "It takes a while getting used to, that's for sure."
Miranda smiled, "Actually I came to say thank you, for coming in and voting for me. For stepping into that OR. I know it was the first time you stepped into the hospital on official-"
Derek shook his head, "No need, you earned it."
"You disappeared after the vote," she noted, "you okay?"
Derek nodded, "I'm fine."
"You know Grey's always done this thing where she says she's fine," she stared, "and she isn't."
Derek pressed his lips in a tight grin as he nodded. His wife had a tendency of that.
"She's rubbed off on you, and I don't like it," snorted Bailey as she adjusted herself on the chair.
Derek laughed, "Yeah, I guess she has."
They looked off at the children playing in the distance. Sounds of innocence and joy filled the air. Sounds that weren't always heard in hospitals.
"Not long ago I was teaching you how to do that little girl's hair," Bailey mused.
Derek laughed, "I was a mess."
"You were!" Miranda agreed, "You still are."
Derek laughed again. He watched his daughter push herself higher on the swing. She giggled as she jumped off to help Bailey climb up the slide. She was such a good sister. She was so patient with him and even when he didn't want to play princess tea party, she always found another thing to play together.
"Not long ago that little girl was crying because she was in pain," he mused, "and now she's running around. How did that little girl grow into this one?"
"That's all you and Meredith, you know. She's grown up into this little, bright, healthy thing because of you two."
He smiled.
Bailey turned to look at him, "You'll get there too, you know."
Derek turned to look at her. Now he was the one in pain. Not so much physical but being on the table so many times, and dying over mistakes you yourself wouldn't make was traumatizing enough, "You think so?"
Miranda had seen him angry. She had seen how frustrated he was to be confined to a hospital bed and miss out on being home with his kids.
"I do think so," she nodded, "Just as soon as you get out of your hiding hole."
"You think I'm hiding?" Derek raised his brows.
"You are, aren't you?" Bailey questioned, "You're hiding out here, saying you're taking care of the kids, giving your wife the time you promised before all this happened."
He tilted his head. It wasn't a lie. He wanted to be with the kids. He wanted time to enjoy what he almost missed out on and he wanted to give Meredith the time he so selfishly took.
These were the consequences to his actions, he had settled on. Not the kids part. Not the letting-Meredith-thrive part. The accident was the consequence of his selfishness.
"But really, you're out here hiding because you don't think you're the same surgeon you were before that accident," Bailey added.
"I'm not the same surgeon. The plane, the crash," Derek sighed as he looked down at his hands, "maybe they're a sign that I should stop."
"Did you want to stop?" Bailey asked, "Because the Derek Shepherd I know wouldn't let this stop him. It'd make him want to save more lives and prevent what that idiot doctor did."
"I took a job because I was being an arrogant ass, I was cruel to my wife, to my sister," he shook his head, "I missed out on my children, my family-"
"But you came back," she insisted, "You came back before this mess happened. Look, this accident happened because you were helping a couple of immature teenagers, a little girl, and her mom! You weren't out there being selfish!"
Derek looked back at his kids as he thought of Winnie.
"You can sit here and wallow in your grief questioning why all this happened for the rest of your life," Miranda sighed, "or you can pick yourself back up again. God knows your wife is good at it."
Derek didn't say anything but he thought of Meredith. Forward, he had told her, she got everyone to move forward.
"Meredith Grey has fallen more times than she can count and every time she gets right back up and pushes through," she reminded him, "Look at what you've built. She has a family- kids because she moved forward with you. You're really gonna let her down by hiding out here again?"
"She told you I've let her down?"
"No, but she worries. Everyone can see it," Miranda snorted, "Come back to Grey Sloan, Derek. One year is enough. You need to put those hands back to good use."
"What if I'm not the same doctor?" he asked with fear threaded in his voice, "What if I'm not good enough?"
"Oh Derek," Miranda shook her head, "You're not the same arrogant, hot-headed, haircut that came here all those years ago."
Derek chuckled.
"I think that this," she pointed to him and the land, "all of it has made you better. Accidents and all. Because you care. It made you see what matters. It opened your eyes. You always knew that, but choosing it was the hard part."
Derek grinned. Miranda knew how to set him straight, she always had.
"I like your sister as chief of neuro, she's doing a great job," Miranda added, "but I'd like you to come back - if you're up to it.
Derek sighed as he pondered her words.
"You can consult for now. Maybe teach the baby surgeons who will need some guidance."
He nodded in understanding. She's gonna be a great chief, he thought.
"And when you're ready," she continued as her tone lightened, "the OR will be waiting for you."
He smiled genuinely. Appreciating the gesture, the gentle push, and the words of encouragement.
"I'll think about it," he nodded, "I'll run it by the chief of this house."
Bailey laughed, "Speaking of, I offered her chief of general."
"You did?" He raised his eyebrows in surprise.
"She took it right on the spot," she snapped her fingers to emphasize how Meredith had instantly accepted.
His face brightened with a smile, "Good. She's perfect for it."
"She is," Bailey stood from her seat, "Think about what I told you. Let me know by the end of the week."
"Chief Bailey?" he called out as she was about to walk away.
"Thank you," he pressed his lips together in a thankful smile, "Thank you, Miranda."
She nodded as she straightened her sweater.
The doors opened as Meredith walked in with a smile plastered on her face, "Hey!"
Derek looked up and grinned, "Hey! Kids are washing up- well Zo is and she's "helping" Bails-, can you help me with this salad please?"
"When are you going to actually let me help with the real stuff?" Meredith chuckled as she placed her coat on the rack. She took the box from the table where she had initially set it and placed it on the counter. He didn't notice it. And if he did, he didn't say anything.
Derek laughed as he turned back to the pasta on the stove, "When you don't burn down the kitchen."
Meredith stopped for a moment and appreciated the scene in front of her.
Derek Shepherd was preparing dinner for his family.
Derek Shepherd was walking.
Derek Shepherd was a father to three children.
Derek Shepherd was her husband.
Derek Shepherd was breathing.
Derek Shepherd was alive.
And he was smiling. Genuinely smiling.
And it was enough.
Even if he never stepped into and O.R. again.
She pushed up her sleeves as she approached the kitchen and stopped in front of Derek to kiss him, "Hi."
He kissed her again, "Hi."
Meredith washed her hands and opened the salad bag he had taken out of the refrigerator, "So something happened at work today."
"Yeah, something happened here today too," Derek commented.
"Is everything okay?" Meredith's head snapped to look at him, "Are you okay? The kids okay?"
"Mer, we're great. Horses not zebras remember?," He smiled at her, "You want to tell me what happened at work first?"
Derek smiled as he thought back to what Miranda had shared with him. He could sense the nervousness in her voice. Perhaps a tinge of worry that they hadn't talked about it before she took it. Being head of a department meant added responsibilities and the last year had been a lot. But he knew she was ready. She was ready for that and more.
"Winnie and Sarah stopped by," she softly answered. She peered from the corner of her eye to see if she'd garner any reaction. She could see him frozen in place. Unmoving. Like she poured a cold, iced, bucket of water onto him.
"They brought you a pie because they were hoping they could say thank you in person," she turned back to her task and poured the salad onto the bowl, "They told us what happened, Derek."
"They're okay?" His voice was soft. Almost inaudible.
Meredith turned around and leaned against the counter. She watched his back as he stared down at the stove in front of him, "They're great."
He continued to hover over the pots on the stove quietly. No response, no answer. It worried her on a level.
"Her dad died while they were fishing," he muttered as he turned to face her, "Winnie? She told me that day that her dad died and I remember thinking she was too young to lose him."
Meredith watched as he slowly turned around.
"I told her I would visit her first thing at the hospital when she stepped on the rig," he pressed his lips together.
"Sarah is really grateful," Meredith whispered as her voice wavered. She cleared her throat and sniffed back before smiling, "And now she's on the hunt for her own McDreamy because apparently mine left an impression."
Derek laughed. A genuine, heartfelt, that-was-actually-funny, kind of laugh.
He walked towards her, invading her space as his smile dropped into the look she'd grown so fondly of, "You were the last thing I talked about. I told her about the girl in the bar."
"I know," Meredith whispered as her eyes blinked heavily, "She told me."
He leaned in slowly until his lips were pressed onto hers. Her cold hands slowly traveled his chest until they found the curls on the base of his neck.
And for a moment, they were lost. Lost in the moment where things were simpler. In a kiss that reminded him of the first one she gave him. Well the first and the other first. The sloppy drunk one she gave him when they were convinced enough to go to her place. And the sudden one she gave him in the elevator when she pushed him against the wall.
"Daddy, all done!" Zola's voice called from the hallway as she ran down to the kitchen. Her parents pulled away quickly as they turned to the smiling girl, "Momma you're home!"
Meredith pulled away and opened her arms to greet her and the young boy trailing behind her, "Hi babies! Ready for dinner? Daddy said something happened today and I want to hear all about it!"
Meredith gently tickled their bellies as they ran off. She turned back to him, "What did they do this time?"
Derek chuckled, "Actually, uh, they didn't."
"Well then what happened?"
"Bailey stopped by earlier and we talked," he began as he stepped closer, "I go back to Grey Sloan in two weeks."
Meredith process the statement as she searched his eyes, "Are you sure- wait, what happened? How did she-?"
"Gave me her rousing Bailey talk and," he chuckled, "I'm ready to go back. I'm not trying to replace Amy or chase surgeries anymore I just want to help. That's why I started this. It's why I became a surgeon."
She searched her husband's eyes for any hesitation but couldn't find any.
"I just want to help and come home to our kids," he smiled gently, "My wife. Our family. It's all that matters."
Meredith smiled.
"And I heard there's a new Chief of General-"
Meredith nudged his chest gently, "I was gonna tell you! I was gonna talk to you about it first but I couldn't pass-"
"You were right to say yes!" he insisted, "And it's time Mer."
Meredith sighed as she let him envelope his arms around her waist.
"It's time we move forward," he sighed as he pressed his forehead against hers.
She couldn't help the emotion that built within her chest. Like she was holding onto a deep breath. Like she was drowning and now she could come up for fresh air.
You were like coming for fresh air. It was like I was drowning and you saved me.
And it was more than enough.
A/N: Boy oh boy did this take forever to update! Sorry about that. I went off and wrote a whole damn fic and a few oneshots and left this open because I honestly could NOT figure out the ending. I would go back and forth and back and forth over and over again.
Anyways I feel good about this ending because to me, Meredith would love Derek no matter what. But would Derek be okay with himself no matter what? I think he'd be appreciative of his life but being a surgeon- a doctor- is a huge part of him. He needed to know that he was all these other things who happened to be a surgeon. And he needed to truly understand that before returning.
Thank you for sticking with me on this fic. For leaving your comments and reviews. For asking in the comments of my other fics.
I hope it lives up to your expectations- and that you enjoyed the little cameos in there!