The first time Carol noticed just how attracted to Negan she actually was he was in her kitchen up on a ladder, holding a screwdriver between his teeth as he reached up and pulled out a dead wire from the light fixture. He had a slight sweat on his forehead and his shirt had rid up, exposing a downward trail of dark hair from his navel. Carol's eyes were fixated there, her imagination was running wild with dirty thoughts that would make anyone blush.

She always imagined that Negan would be a classic gentleman only with a twist because he was far too ridiculous to be truly typical. The kind of guy who would pull out a chair for her at a restaurant only to then let her be the one to taste the wine that the waiter typically offered to the men.

"Ah, fucking shit." He cussed after the screwdriver he was now poking into the ceiling made sparks fly. "Carol, be a dear and flick that switch off, will you?"

He broke her from her daydream and pulled her back to reality.

"You really didn't think to turn the power off before you started screwing around in there?" Carol frowned as she turned the light off. The guy must've had a death wish.

"You sure you know what you're doing?" She asked although she already knew he didn't. She admired his effort though, he could have easily told her to find someone else to do the job.

"Nope!"He replied as more wire fell from the ceiling above.

Carol quickly averted her eyes away from the generous bulge that was shifting in his pants as he climbed down the ladder.

Negan was grinning at her as he stepped down from the final step and wiped his forehead with a rag from his back pocket.

"Not a fucking clue," He answered with a flash of his grin. "You sure you need a light in here?"

"Only when I want to be able to see things." Carol's lips were pursed together, she had to pretend to be annoyed at him. It was part of the act that the pair perfectly played, a back and forth that saw that no one knew about their secret friendship.

"Hey, I'm sure you can find someone else to finish the job. Someone who actually does know what they're doing." Negan shrugged as he wiped his hands. He leaned forward closer to her while a knowing smile danced on his lips.

Carol felt her heart jump as their eyes locked. Negan's dark eyes always seemed to have a glint of mischief shining through them.

He spoke in a hushed manner. "You're still coming over tonight, right?"

Carol had a quick glance over her shoulder to make sure that Daryl wasn't in earshot, he was home after all.

She'd been meeting up with Negan for months now, his cell was host to what had started out kind of as secret therapy sessions. Carol didn't realise how lonely she had actually been before she started to confide in him. She was just as lonely as he was. Eventually, their little meetings became less about expressing feelings and more just an excuse to hang out together. She enjoyed Negan's company. He was quick-witted and funny and seemed to have a different story to tell every time they met. She loved listening to his stories, they were a break from the mundane and gloom that was her current life.

Once she was sure that they were alone, she replied just as quietly. "Yeah, if you'd like me to."

"Sweet." Negan's grin grew again. "Well, if there isn't anything else I ican't/i help you with, I'll see you later."

She noticed the playful shine in his eyes.

"Yeah," Carol smiled back at him. "See you later."

Her stomach twisted as Negan winked at her and turned to leave.

Negan was undeniably attractive. He had a dusting of salt and pepper stubble and a smouldering smile that was heart-wrenching. He was tall and lean too. And funny. He was covered in random tattoos, something that Carol had never thought she would find attractive but boy, did she ever. It added to his edge, the hint of danger that still followed him around.

She had known for a while now that she had a crush on him. A silly, schoolgirl crush. One that had her blushing whenever he flirted with her. Not that she was receiving special treatment, he flirted with pretty much everyone.

She thought he'd soon catch on to her feelings towards him because she used any excuse she could to have him around. It was always him she went to complete even the most menial of tasks, ones that she knew she could do herself, but he never questioned her once. Not even when she was adamant that she needed help shoeing the horses, or carrying sacks of potatoes from the storage shed to the kitchen, tasks she had easily completed by herself for many years.

He was brash, cocky and sometimes arrogant but Carol quite liked that about him too, if there was something he wanted to say he'd usually just say it. She found she had a good dynamic with him, chemistry. She could keep up with his jokes and could hit him right back with any sarcasm he dished out. They played off each other well.

Sure, he had a dark side and an awful past, she knew that. But she did too, her history wasn't exactly clean. They both had their demons. Her mind was a dark place, there was no limit to the things she was capable of doing. She would do what it takes to survive, and so would he. She found she didn't ever have to filter herself around him, they didn't hide who they were from each other. She could just be real.

She was a survivor and so was he. Their energies just seemed to match.

Before Carol left to see him that night, she paid extra attention to how she looked. She stared at herself in the mirror, primping her hair into a few different styles before finally settling on her usual.

She fixed the collar on her pale yellow blouse and bit her lip as she undid an extra button and pulled the material further down her shoulders, exposing just a little bit of her cleavage that was usually kept hidden away. After studying herself for another moment, she scoffed and did the button back up again, how ridiculous she was being.

•••

"I'm fine," Carol said for what felt like the hundredth time. She was getting annoyed now.

She had been with Negan for about an hour, sitting on the hard wooden chair that was directly across from his bed. The argument they were having had spiralled from Negan asking her a simple question, well, what should have been a simple question.

'Are you okay?'

The problem was there wasn't a simple answer.

Maybe she spoke a little too quickly, or a little too confidently because he was onto her straight away. She hadn't been okay for a long time now.

"That shit might work on everyone else, Carol." Negan let out a dry humourless laugh, "But you ain't fooling me. Not one bit. You're not fine, I see right through it."

"Oh, yeah? What about you, Negan? The little act you put on? You act like you don't care about anything or anyone. Like you don't care that you live in this damn…" She looked around at the damp stone walls and shook her head as she tried to find the word. "Tomb."

"See, this is where we differ. I ain't acting." Negan was smiling but she knew he wasn't finding anything funny. "This is the way my life is and nothing's gonna change that. I have accepted that."

"Well, I don't accept it!" She was aware she sounded like a brat but she didn't care. She was exasperated. "You don't even try to change things for yourself."

"Carol, - "

"You're worth more than this, Negan!" She stood up. Her eyes were filling with angry tears.

If only he'd just try with the others, they'd see him for who he really is. A man reformed.

"You're worth more to me." She finished as a tear fell down her cheek.

"Right." He scoffed. "Then why is it I only see you at night, huh? When there's no one else around to see you sneaking in here?"

She didn't have an answer for him.

He sighed and sat back in his bunk. "We can't keep doing this."

Carol nodded and sat back in her chair too. She managed to calm herself down in the few silent minutes that passed.

"I know you're lonely. I guess the reason I keep coming back here is," She confided quietly with a shrug. "I'm lonely too."

She looked up from where she had been staring at the floor to find Negan was rubbing his eye with the heel of his palm.

"Yeah, I know." His voice was gruff. "Listen, I deserve this but you… you shouldn't ever feel lonely."

She watched him closely. His brow was dipped as he looked right back at her. Their sad eyes spoke to each other, conveying all of the emotions that they both so desperately wanted to say out loud but neither could find the nerve.

"I'm no good for you, you know that." He spoke frighteningly quietly. The words hung in the air while Carol thought about what to say next.

"Why do you think I'm here?" She eventually dared to utter. "Why do you think I keep coming here? You're the only good thing I have in my life right now."

It was true. With Daryl still gone, Carol found that she didn't have many friends in Alexandria at all. She kept herself busy with work during the day, these secret meetings were her only escape.

"I care about you, Negan."

With that, Negan stood up. Carol stood too.

"You shouldn't." Negan's face had begun to soften. He started to shake his head as more tears filled his eyes. "I'm no good for y— "

His words were cut off as Carol threw her arms around his neck. She didn't care what was good for her and what wasn't. She just needed him to know that she cared about him.

Negan had stilled, caught in surprise for just a moment before he wrapped his arms around her and held her so tightly. Carol hung onto him as he straighten his back and lifted her from the floor.

They were both breathing heavily, foreheads pressed together in such a fiercely intimate moment.

Carol could see that Negan was looking from her eyes to her lips. She realised that she had been doing the same thing to him, it was instinct. She brushed back the hair that had fallen over his forehead to get a better look.

Her lips yearned for his. And the way he was holding her, it was clear that he wanted her as badly as she wanted him.

He tipped his chin upwards towards hers, their mouths were mere inches apart. She thought he might kiss her but instead, he nudged her nose with his and closed his eyes and let out a long, ragged sad sigh.

Then he put her down and their moment was over.

"You should just go." He told her as he turned away from her.

Carol managed to make it home and into her own bed before she allowed herself to cry. It was stupid, they could never be together. History forbid it. But even still she felt heartbroken. She wept, feeling the loss for something had never even been.

She didn't go back to see Negan again, not until many months later.

•••

It had been a few weeks since Negan saved her life. She tried to stay away from him again after that but she couldn't help herself. He was all she could think about. His absence in her life left her hurting more than the gunshot wound on her leg did.

With Daryl's cold behaviour towards her and his most recent dismissal, she wondered why on earth she was denying herself. He explicitly told her he wouldn't care if she went with someone else. She was through with waiting for Daryl to come around.

Why should she wait to be happy? Negan would make her happy, she knew it.

She decided to find him and tell him exactly how she felt.

Luckily for them both, he wasn't hard to find. The heavy lock clicked free and fell into Carol's hands without the need of a key. It hung there open on the cell door as a reminder that at any time, with the slightest of slipups, Negan could be locked up once more.

"Carol, hey. You're looking a lot better." After the initial shock of her being there, Negan sat up to greet her.

The way he was looking at her took her breath away. His eyes seemed to glimmer in the dimly-lit cell. His hair had grown longer on top and his beard had been trimmed short. He looked handsome.

"I feel a lot better, thanks to you" She smiled at him rather coyly.

She didn't remember much of the awful evening she was shot, she just remembered being so very cold and waking up to find that Negan had his arm wrapped around her, holding her close to his body. It was so warm, so comforting.

"Well, Dixon did help."

"Yeah, " Carol gave a small shrug, she wasn't able to hide the hurt at the mention of Daryl's name on her face.

"I know you're a tough gal, but why did you follow me out there that night? You coulda got yourself killed. It was stupid."

Negan was clearly annoyed with her but what was she supposed to have done? Just let him go?

"I don't know why I followed you. I guess I wanted to stop you."

"Daryl thought you came to kill me." Negan mused.

"Yeah well, he thought wrong. You could have left me you know, you could've got away from here."

"Oh, I know." He sighed and raked his fingers back through his hair. "When I saw you all shot up, I thought that was the end for you. You were gonna die chasing me?"

Carol's heart broke for him as he explained himself to her. His voice was dark, gravelly. His face, pale.

Negan inhaled then, Carol thought he might curl his lip in anger but he didn't. His features remained soft.

"I thought I caused another god damn pointless death. Sure I could've run. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. And… " he let out a single laugh, "I guess I got a bit of a soft spot for you, cos I probably iwould/i have left anyone else. Guess I am still a shitty person." He finished with a small shrug as he stared at the floor.

Carol's heart clenched in her chest. Adimitantly, she wasn't thinking all too much when she stepped closer to him.

"Kiss me." She quietly demanded.

She knew she was risking it all for that one kiss. Her reputation, her status and her friends.

"What?" Negan squinted at her.

She would usually roll her eyes at his seductive smiles and flirty winks but the way he was looking at her now… it was different. It was genuine intrigue. He was looking at her in a way that no man ever really had.

She wanted to say so much more but in that moment all she could do was ask again.

"Kiss me?" She uttered again, barely a whisper this time but with just as much confidence.

Her eyes locked with his, they begged with him.

When he stood up and cupped her face with his large hands, Carol almost forgot how to breathe.

"Really?" He asked as he studied her face, his thumbs brushing over her cheeks. It was almost as if all these months they had spent dangerously flirting had been play-pretend. Next she knew he had that stupid smirk on his face, the one that Carol had always found annoyingly hot, but still, he didn't move.

So she took the leap, realising that the only way he'd take her seriously was if she was the one who made the first move.

She stood up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his, tentatively at first. Her kiss was soft and tender, fleeting.

Negan appeared to have lost all bravado as he pulled away from her. He looked a little lost yet his hands still held onto her arms tightly while his eyes scanned hers.

"I don't think you're a shitty person," Carol whispered her words of encouragement. She let her fingers tenderly stroke his chest over his heart.

When Negan leaned in to kiss her again it was placed so firmly, so confidently that it gave her chills.

She gasped against his lips and that allowed the space needed for their tongues to brush together. She could feel Negan's smile against her lips and his hardening crotch pressed against her as she arched her body into his.

It felt so natural to her, to share this moment with him. Nothing about it felt weird although she knew it should, this was iNegan/i after all. The prisoner who was feared by most and hated by pretty much all.

Negan's confidence must have come back because he pulled her body flush against his own and towered over her. He took control. His hands ran up and down her back before they dared to fall onto her ass and pulled her hips to his.

Carol let a sigh slip that had Negan grinning again. He nipped her bottom lip gently with his teeth. Carol slid her hands up his chest to hold his neck. Her fingers threaded into his hair, holding him in place as their lips locked together.

His hand slid down further and hooked behind her knee, pulling her leg up to hook onto his waist. It was his turn to let out a small noise as their hips created friction together.

She needed more from him, and she needed it now. They arranged to meet up at her place and that arrangement quickly led to another first time.