A. N. : Another chapter, another timeskip. This time, we're focusing mostly on Toji, although Yuuta's PoV does make an appearance.
As always for this series, and for the final time now, I am posting annotations/research notes on my tumblr (crescentmoonrider) under the tag "manifesto commentary". If you're interested, just head over there, and maybe say hello !
This chapter comes with big warnings for themes of : death, grief (so much grief), illness, some references to past suicide attempts, drowning... I think that's it ? On the bright side, Toji is mostly nice in this one. Because he's having a very bad time as well as some flashbacks to that time Megumi's mom died, sure, but hey. We take what we can.
Face the river Sanzu and walk backwards into life
The day's fucking hot. Toji has been thinking about investing in a thinner kimono for a while now, just for the summer, but that would require travelling with even more stuff on his back and he just can't be bothered.
He'd rather be warm in winter and go topless when it's too hot. So, probably soon. It's still a pain in the ass, though, and he pauses in the middle of the bridge to take in the colder air that comes with flowing water.
Maybe they should head for the mountains. Weather's colder at higher altitudes, right ?
He turns to ask Yuuta about it, both the altitude thing and the question of whether to go there or not, but stops when he notices Yuuta holding his own shoulder in pain.
"You alright ?"
Yuuta looks tired. Well, more tired than usual. Still, he smiles and waves a hand at Toji.
"I'm fine. Just tired from carrying the swords, I think." A pause. "Thanks."
Toji goes back to watching the river flowing under them. He can't get used to Yuuta's genuine gratefulness at the smallest acts of human decency. Brat sounds almost desperate sometimes, still. Not that Toji is in any place to call him out on that stuff, not when he is the one avoiding Yuuta's gaze because of a simple thank you, even after all this time.
Real pathetic, the both of them.
Well. With the weather being the way it is and Yuuta's weakness to hot temperatures, the mountains are sounding more and more like a good idea.
Brat could use a break.
There's fields around the road, but no one working in them. That alone would tell Toji everything he needs to know about how fucking hot it is, if he wasn't already half dying himself.
Worse than the heat, though, is the humidity. Makes everything feel heavier and sticky, from the clothes he's half taken off to the various things he's carrying. He can feel sweat rolling down his back under the bundle holding his and Yuuta's belongings, and the swords' sheath.
It's gross, and sticky, and there's sweat under his breasts too and ugh !
Yuuta looks to be even worse off, somehow. His face is all red, his eyes barely half-open as he struggles to stand under the summer heat. His voice has started to go out these days, and it now sounds like an old raven's sad attempts at crowing whenever he speaks.
He coughs, winces, stops walking. Toji presses his hand on Yuuta's back as he holds his chest and leans forward.
"You good ?"
Toji would offer him some water, but Yuuta's already gone through what they usually drink in a day, when it's only just noon. He just keeps his hand on Yuuta's back instead. Not much else he can do.
"'M fine. 'S just-" he coughs again, the sound grating against Toji's ears. "Just a summer cold."
Toji just stares. Yuuta catches his breath slowly, wheezing more than breathing, and Toji can do nothing but stare.
"Let's hope it's just that," Toji hears himself say. "Shame your girlfriend can't keep colds away too. Would be more useful than scaring away rabbits," he adds, like riling up Rika will make her able to do… something.
Yuuta laughs, a short exhale really, still enough to make him wince and hold a hand to his throat.
Like that, covered by his fingers, the cord he keeps around his neck at all times almost looks like blood.
There's a storm coming. It's to be expected, after the unbearable heat of the last few days. Toji just wishes they weren't in the middle of a forest as the wind starts growing stronger. He doesn't feel like getting crushed by a tree today.
The reason they're here in the first place is because of him. He chose to head there in the hopes to find some shelter from the sun, under the shade of whatever's growing here, and maybe to get Yuuta some plants for his "cold".
Not that Toji really thinks whatever this is truly is a summer cold. A curse, maybe, if there was any way someone would hate Yuuta enough to put one on him. A vengeful ghost, if Rika wasn't here to make sure nothing ever hurts her boyfriend.
Whatever is going on with Yuuta isn't normal, Toji thinks, but he doesn't have a clue what it could be.
All he can do is hold Yuuta's hand and run (or, well, walk fast while Yuuta struggles to run) for shelter. There should be an inn further down the road, they crossed ways with a pilgrim yesterday and the guy said that's where he stayed the night before, since there were no temples close by. He'd left with a prayer and a sad gaze that made Toji shiver.
Toji wasn't planning on staying anywhere he needs to pay for, not when the last harvest season was a year ago, and cutting wood for old people doesn't make nearly enough money to afford a roof that isn't in said old people's house.
They're low on funds, but right now it doesn't matter. He'll figure something out. Scrub dishes if he has to, or entertain the workers at the inn. There's a storm coming and Yuuta's movements are so sluggish he can barely run anymore, and there's no way Toji is letting him weather a typhoon in that state.
When the rain starts pouring down, Toji considers carrying Yuuta to go faster. In his state, Yuuta might not even complain.
In the end, though, it isn't necessary, as Toji finally manages to see the building through the screen of water threatening to drown him. Fuck, the food on his back is definitely ruined.
The inn's shutters are already closed by the time they reach it, and Toji wants to scream. He does, even, banging on the wood with one arm, Yuuta shivering under the other, shouting for someone to open up and give them shelter.
He doesn't expect the shutter to open right under his fist, right as he goes to hit it again, but somehow manages to avoid knocking out the woman behind it. It was close, though.
They hurry inside, Toji pushing Yuuta in front of him to get him away from the rain as fast as possible. With how strong the wind is, it's basically impossible for the woman to close the shutters again on her own, and even with Toji helping out, it takes them so long that the engawa is completely drenched by the time the inn is finally safe again.
Toji breathes. He can feel the water running down his face, hair dripping and turning his nose into a waterfall. His clothes are so wet they stick to his skin and follow his every move too closely. It's almost cold now, too.
He glances at Yuuta, who is shivering and holding his chest like the air doesn't want to flow through his lungs. He looks close to collapsing.
Shit.
"Got a free room for us, Ma'am ?" Toji asks the woman. She looks old enough to be the owner, so who knows, maybe she won't have to go and ask and make them lose time.
She looks to the side.
"We won't charge you if you sleep in a storage room."
Rude. Sure, they're as poor as they look, but still. And also –
"Not what I asked."
She's reluctant to answer. Hiding something, or maybe… scared ? Huh.
"There is… a room. It isn't safe, though."
"But it's free, yeah ? What is it, mould ? We can live with mould." Probably.
"There is no mould in my inn !" Ooh, touchy. She starts again, more calmly. "There is no mould. Rather, it is… there have been incidents. Please stay in the storeroom instead. We won't charge you."
Incidents. Cool. Great. Completely normal and not at all a sign that the gods still hate Toji's guts.
"I don't really care about that, but are you really gonna make him," Toji points to Yuuta, who is coughing so hard it sounds like his insides are gonna come out, "stay in some dusty storage ? Some innkeeper you are."
"Sir –"
She sounds distraught and offended at the same time. Probably wants to defend her honour but, well, Toji didn't say anything that wasn't true.
"We're taking the haunted room." Rika can take care of the ghosts. Make herself a nice snack with whatever's in there.
Or maybe she'll just scare them away just by being there. Yuuta did say he never saw any ghost that wasn't her, so maybe the other spirits think she's too scary and moody to approach. Probably the latter. She's a mean brat.
It takes Yuuta almost collapsing for the owner to finally give in and lead them through the inn's hallways. She glares at Toji with every step, like it's his fault the storm got in. He rolls his eyes. Of course the floor's gonna get wet, lady, they were outside in the rain.
The owner orders the first employee they come across to bring dry towels and clothes, and the girl makes a face at the trail of water following them, before bowing and hurrying to whatever storeroom the inn keeps its laundry in.
After that, it's a simple matter of reaching the haunted room (which looks just like a regular room to Toji, but that was also the case for some of the most haunted shit the clan ever exorcised, so that doesn't mean much), following the owner's demand to "not drip too much on the tatami" (which mostly means they have to wait outside until the towels arrive), and finally getting to not feel like a wet dog anymore.
Toji wrings out his hair until it hurts and the towel can't absorb any more water. He shakes his head to try and get the last drops out. Then, he undresses quickly, throws his drenched kimono and obi outside the room, on the wooden floor, and just as quickly grabs the clean and mercifully dry inn yukata.
It's a bit too small for him, but he's not picky. If anything, it means he might have a better chance at convincing the owner to let them stay for free, or at least for a lower rate. Having his tits out works pretty well for that, usually.
With a grin, he turns to Yuuta, to rejoice in how much they lucked out there. Freezes.
Yuuta hasn't moved much since he entered the room, long hair drip-drip-dripping on the tatami without him noticing. His hands are fiddling with his obi, almost like he forgot how to untie it in between now and whenever laundry was.
He seems to be on the verge of collapsing.
Shit.
Toji crosses the distance between them in two quick steps, towel in hand, ready to dry Yuuta's hair as roughly as he can in an effort to wake him up, ready to joke about Yuuta's uncharacteristic lack of manners with how much water he's been letting onto the tatami, just to see something other than the vacant stare Yuuta has been directing at nothing for the past whatever.
Touching Yuuta's skin, though, Toji realizes it's way too warm. Fuck, a fever !? That's bad, that's really, really bad. Toji did notice Yuuta seemed to get worse over time, but that's…
He swallows, throat tight.
Yuuta isn't Okiku. Okiku's health was what it was, and anyway she wasn't even sick when she – Yuuta isn't Okiku. He just. Just needs to be dry, and to rest, and to get some warm, sick people food.
He's got Rika to protect him against whatever ill will Toji's accumulated. He'll be fine.
Toji unties Yuuta's hair as gently as he can, which according to Tsumiki was already too rough and the reason why he wasn't allowed to help her with it anymore after that one time. Yuuta doesn't really react, aside from a slight whine.
Wrap the towel around Yuuta's hair, then untie the obi and take off the kimono. Don't pay attention to the weight Yuuta has lost in the past few days his health has taken to worsen this much, to the hip bones poking under his skin the way they used to, back when Toji met him.
Wrap him in the yukata. Shout at the owner to lay out the futon right as she comes in to bring them tea and take care of their wet clothes. Keep on drying Yuuta's hair while waiting.
There's nothing else to do.
"Maybe the haunted room wasn't a good idea," Toji mumbles as he helps Yuuta get into bed. "I don't think it's gonna help you much."
"It's fine."
Even in that state, Yuuta manages a weak smile. His voice is weaker still.
"Rika will keep me safe."
She better, Toji thinks. She can do something to help, so she better not waste that chance.
He tucks Yuuta in, raising the cover up to his chin without a word.
It's been like three days, and the storm still hasn't let on. The shutters stay shut, the atmosphere heavy with the rain and the everything else.
The inn workers barely dare step inside the room Toji and Yuuta have been cooped in all the while, with only the owner stopping by for longer than what it takes to put a trail down in the entrance. Toji can hear them whisper outside sometimes, worried and perplexed and sounding very much like the maids back in that damned house.
There are other guests, too, just as stuck inside the inn as everyone else here. Toji hears them roam the hallways in search of something to do, something to chase their boredom away. They can't even go to the onsen, poor them.
Yuuta hasn't been getting any better.
If anything, he's doing worse, unable to even eat on his own, let alone do anything else. Toji has to keep him upright just to slowly pour soup or tea inside his mouth. No solids, Yuuta choked on even the thinnest kayu they tried yesterday.
Three days without moving, barely eating, and he's already lost all the weight it took him years to gain. What little muscle he'd built during training is gone, too. All that's left is see-through skin and the bones underneath, hips and ribs and too pointy joints, and the vertebrae Toji has taken to counting individually every time he washes Yuuta's back.
He hasn't had to wash someone since Tsumiki. He'd helped with Megumi too, once or twice, much more rarely, when he was around for it. Okiku was always glad to let Toji care for Megumi like a son, even though they both knew it would never be the official truth. It was better this way, and they were happy.
This is not that.
Taking care of Yuuta is miserable. Makes Toji's insides twist every time he has to feed or wash or dress him.
The actions are the same, technically, and even if he doesn't count illness as the same thing as infanthood, Tsumiki got sick sometimes. It never felt that bad, though. Toji doesn't know if there really is a difference between taking care of one's child and taking care of whatever Yuuta is to him, but it feels like there is one.
Like there should be one.
Toji washes and dresses Yuuta every day, and after that he combs his hair.
Yuuta's hair is nothing like Okiku's. If anything, it's closer to Tsumiki's, or her mother's, thin and straight and barely ever forming knots. Yuuta usually only needs to pass his hand through it a few times to look decent.
Doesn't matter though. Toji doesn't really do this for Yuuta's sake. It just…
It gives him something to do. Keeps him busy.
He holds the turtle-shell comb with reverence, passes it through Yuuta's long hair slowly, taking the time to look at the way the comb's teeth separate strands and the way the hair immediately turns back to its unbothered, smooth uniformity once the comb is a little farther down.
Okiku had to struggle just to get her hair in a somewhat manageable state. Hers was coarse and stubborn, and any tool weaker than turtle-shell was at risk of breaking a tooth.
Because of how difficult handling her hair was, she didn't really like doing it. Where Tsumiki and her mother had dozens of accessories, ribbons and hairpins and decorative combs, Okiku only had the one plain comb, that she used both to prepare herself and to keep her hairdo in place.
It served her so well, it was still in place after she suddenly fell while working. Even after the kitchen workers moved her body out of the way and lit incense next to her.
It was luck that she had handed Megumi to another girl shortly beforehand. She had a terrible headache, Toji had been told, and then she fell, and then she was dead.
And then all he was allowed to keep of her was her faithful comb.
During meal times, Toji feeds Yuuta before himself. The owner brings them cool food so that Yuuta doesn't get burned. With how weak he is right now, it doesn't feel like he'd know to spit it out even if it hurt him.
Feeding Yuuta is otherwise a simple matter of sitting him up against Toji's chest and keeping him upright all the while. Easy. Too easy, really.
If he wasn't in his constant half-conscious state, Yuuta wouldn't let himself rest on Toji like that. He never leans on Toji if Toji doesn't initiate, and even during their rare moments of physical closeness, Yuuta remains tense.
It always feels like he is scared, of being too heavy, or too full of bones and pointy edges, or just of being too much.
Like he thinks Toji will push him away for daring to exist.
It used to annoy Toji to no end, how it feels like Yuuta doesn't trust that Toji needs him the way he said. Now he wishes things would go back to the way they were, with Yuuta awake and awkward and tense, and not leaning bonelessly against Toji's shoulder.
It's like that's not Yuuta anymore. Like the thing drinking tea from the cup Toji holds to its mouth isn't even human.
Right now, the only thing separating Yuuta from a corpse is the unhealthy warmth of his body, and the ragged breathing filing the room nonstop, as surely as the round of the rain.
Maybe that's why Toji does things as fast as he can. Maybe it's just because he is hungry.
The latter is the one he tells the owner when she bothers staying for long enough to notice his discomfort.
"Don't you have something better to do ?" he asks, harsh.
Yuuta would chide him if he heard. You shouldn't be so mean, Toji-san, he would say. No one will see how kind you are if you don't try to be a little nicer. And then Toji would bark out a laugh and ask where in hell Yuuta saw kindness, and he wouldn't bother listening to the embarrassed explanation.
It's always the same bullshit anyway. Toji picked up Yuuta, Toji stays by his side, Toji doesn't leave. Like that kind of selfishness could ever be kind.
Okiku was kind. She had nothing to gain from loving someone like him, and yet she did and she gave him something like life, and even a son. And he couldn't do anything for her in exchange.
Yuuta is kind. He still calls the ghost who haunts him and killed for him and keeps him from the world "friend", and he tells Toji to be nice even to strangers who can't give them a thing.
Toji isn't anything like that. The only correct adjective for him is pathetic.
And really, that isn't anything new.
Another day (or two, or five, who's even keeping count anymore ?), another meal. The owner got Toji some fried rice this time, instead of the usual cool stuff.
Yuuta is still on his cool broth and lukewarm tea diet, and Toji has gotten much better at avoiding spills. He wipes Yuuta's mouth anyway, before laying him back into bed.
While Toji might be able to keep stains to a minimum when feeding Yuuta by now, it doesn't mean his own eating habits have improved in any way. He can feel the reprobating stare of the owner, who came back to put spare yukata in the room, as the rice sticks to his face.
He's making a mess, he knows. Never got the hand of handling chopsticks with his right hand.
It used to make Okiku laugh, same with Tsumiki. Toji eats as cleanly as a little kid, which is to say not as all, and he's long ceased to care, making a show of it instead. He picks the rice from his cheeks, licks his fingers shamelessly, and lets the owner roll her eyes.
Yuuta didn't laugh, even when he could, but that's probably because he has too much restraint. He did smile, and point to whatever bits of food Toji forgot, eyes shining in amusement.
Now he just sleeps.
This time, Toji thanks the owner for the meal. He lets her pick up the various bowls as slowly as she wants. Lets her tell him how lucky he and Yuuta are, in their misfortune, because in her entire life she hasn't ever seen anyone stay in this room longer than a few hours without something happening.
"This place feels different," she says. "Did you do something to purify it, maybe ?"
Toji shakes his head. He doubts a vengeful ghost hunting her brethren counts as purification, no matter how much or how little one might know about exorcism.
For the owner, it seems like that's not much. Her late father contacted a shrine, once, when he was in charge, but no amount of prayers seemed to do anything to calm the haunting, and so they eventually gave up.
For the owner's sake, Toji hopes these crooks didn't make her family pay too much for that. If the Zen'in, or whatever exorcism clan is in the region, weren't called for a (at least) generation-long haunting, then clearly that shrine didn't know shit about ghosts. Maybe they couldn't even see whatever it is that's haunting the room.
It makes sense, of course. People who can see tend to get picked up by samurai clans as soon as they're found out, bought from temples and shrines and even peasant families, all with the blessing of their daimyo, and it's been the case for centuries. Knowledge is precious. Sight is invaluable.
If Rika's presence didn't put Yuuta at risk of a rather definitive form of exorcism, Toji has no doubt the Zen'in would pay hundreds of ryos for him. They would teach him and feed him and clothe him and keep him safe, and they would give him a purpose. The same as Megumi, except back then, Toji was the one begging.
Without Rika though, Yuuta would be miserable. And with her, he won't ever belong anywhere.
Toji pushes a few strands of hair away from Yuuta's face. They both know why Yuuta stays by his side. He just doesn't have any other option. It would be nice if he could understand Toji is the same way. That the only reason Toji even seems kind to him is to get a smile, or a "thank you", or even just an approving nod.
Letting the owner share her story, not telling her to fuck off and leave him alone even as the pity in her eyes makes Toji want to throw up – all of that is just Toji's pathetic attempt at getting Yuuta back, somehow.
As if things could be that easy.
As if Yuuta could hear Toji not being an asshole, and what would suddenly wake him up, and he would congratulate Toji with that soft smile of his, healthy and awake and alive.
Toji closes his eyes when he hears the owner leave and slide she shoji shut.
Grinds his teeth.
Lets his fingers comb through Yuuta's hair, over and over, the way he did when Okiku fell and died and he didn't know what to do.
Truth is, Toji doesn't want to lose Yuuta.
Truth is, Toji misses him already.
Toji wakes up to the sound of the rain.
It doesn't make sense, he thinks once his brain manages to catch up with his body. The rain hasn't stopped in however long it's been since he set foot in this room, it's basically part of the scenery at this point. Nothing remarkable. Nothing to wake up from.
But nothing else is making any noise, and Toji woke up. Nothing…
With a jolt, he sits up, turns to Yuuta.
Listens, heart in his mouth, to the ragged breathing that should be there, that's been there for as long as the rain has.
Listens to the pitter-patter of the rain and the howling of the wind, and nothing else.
No. No, no.
Leaning over Yuuta (please be alive), Toji realizes he's shaking. Yuuta's body is still (sleeping, just sleeping) and silent (thump-thump, goes a heart somewhere in the room) and too cold (or just colder than when he had a fever, just that, nothing else), and Toji thinks he's going to throw up.
He presses his ear against Yuuta's mouth, nearly touching it, closes his eyes, straining to hear the weak flow of air passing through too pale lips. Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing, until finally the wind outside slows for just an instant, just enough for Toji to hear breathing.
Okay. Alright. Okay he can, he can do this.
Yuuta is cold, and still, but he's alive and it's all that matters. He's alive.
Toji won't let him die, not if he can help it. Not if there's anything he can do.
He grabs his kakebuton, lays it over Yuuta's. Thinks. What else is there, what else could he do to keep Yuuta's body somewhat warm. To keep the cold of death away.
The stress is making him sweat. Fuck, what can he do, he feels like he's dying under a nonexistent sun, hot and cold and desperate –
Right. Toji's body is warm. Toji is alive, and warm, and he can use that.
He can do something.
Slipping under the pile of blankets, Toji quickly undoes his obi and opens his yukata, wrapping Yuuta's body in it. Yuuta doesn't react, much like he didn't react to being fed and washed these past days, and once again Toji feels a sting in his chest.
He tries not to dwell on it. Focuses on pressing his body as close to Yuuta's as possible, heart to heart, arms around the chest, trying to give as much heat as he can to the area where all the vital organs are.
Toji's forehead hits the wood of the pillow, eyes shut close. He keeps his head against Yuuta's, cheek to cheek, his ear strained to hear Yuuta's weak breath.
He needs to know Yuuta lives still. Needs to make sure of it.
Needs to feel a semblance of wind against his ear, needs to feel the out-of-synch beat of another heart, needs to feel that the skin against his isn't growing any colder.
One day, Okiku got up and went to work, and then she fell and died. One day, Toji took off her comb and passed his fingers through her hair, pressed his forehead against hers as her body grew colder, until people came to take her away.
Yuuta isn't dead yet, and still there's nothing more that Toji can do.
"Don't you dare die on me," he whispers like it's going to change anything.
"Don't die, don't die, don't die," Toji chants, with the cadence of a Namu Amida Butsu.
No gods or Buddhas will help him, and so he can only hope that Yuuta himself will hear his words and grant his prayer.
There's nothing else he can do.
Yuuta stands in front of a bridge, not too dissimilar to the one he crossed with Toji-san only a few days ago. Or was it weeks ? He isn't sure.
Ah, he's lost his sense of time again.
All he has is the now. The weather is nice, the red spider-lilies at his feet swaying gently under a cool breeze. This side of the river looks as pretty as it is pleasant, gold strands of grass contrasting against the red and green of the spider-lilies, and while he can't see the other side, he has no doubt it would be even nicer.
He doesn't want to cross yet, though. He shouldn't. Not alone.
He turns his head, looks around. He really is alone.
He is alone, until he feels something tug as his sleeve.
Next to him, Rika-chan looks just the way she used to, before she died. Or, no, Rika-chan never owned such a beautiful furisode, black and red silk perfectly sized for her child body, with no need for any folds, butterfly and spider-lily embroideries highlighted with gold thread, the long flowing sleeves and expensive materials far from anything she could have ever worn.
She looks like a princess. Or like what Yuuta imagines princesses look like. Even the red cord decorating her hair seems more vibrant than it ever really was.
Rika-chan lets go of his sleeve to grab onto his hand, and Yuuta realizes he needs to look down to look at her.
Was she really always this small ? He remembers needing to look up, only slightly at first, and then so much more.
"Do you want to cross together ?"
She looks at him (looks up, how weird), blinks, slowly. Nods.
Her smile tells Yuuta this is the right choice. The only choice, really.
He takes a step forward, then another, Rika-chan's hand in his, careful not to walk too fast so that she doesn't have to struggle to keep up. That, too, isn't something he ever had to do, either before or after.
"I'm sorry, you know. I didn't mean to make you wait for so long."
She doesn't say anything in return. It's not what she wants to hear, Yuuta knows.
What he should say is thank you, thank you for keeping me safe. Saying sorry is just putting the weight of his own life on her shoulders (and how frail she is, how small these shoulders are) the way he used to before meeting Toji-san. The way he's tried to grow out of.
Saying sorry is worthless now, but still he can't help it.
She shouldn't be so small.
The red wood of the bridge creaks under his feet as he steps on it, leaving the shore and everything he knew with it. He feels bad, slightly, for Toji-san, but he owes it to Rika-chan. It's the least he can do.
He turns to her when he feels her hand slip away. Is he walking too fast ? Did she trip ?
"Rika-"
She stands before the bridge, careful not to let the thick sole of her geta on it. The single step separating her from Yuuta feels infinite.
"… Rika-chan ?"
She hasn't said a single thing yet. Not a word.
The smile on her face is the same as it was when Yuuta offered to cross with her. He can't remember if she had a different expression before that.
In life, she did. She pouted and got angry and made silly faces behind the backs of adults. And after, too, her emotions were that much stronger and the changes on her face that much more extreme.
This child, this Rika-chan –
She's wrong. Off.
Empty, he thinks. The form of Rika-chan, but none of what made her her inside. None of what she gave Yuuta when she decided to stay by his side.
He needs to go back.
One step, two steps, long strides that should put him right in front of this Rika-chan, and yet she looks no closer than when he first turned around. (No, no.) He runs towards her, hears the wood creak under his feet with each step, over and over and over and over, until he stumbles and falls flat on the deck, in the same place he started, in the same place he stayed this whole time. (Rika-chan's geta in front of the bridge, careful not to touch it.)
This is a one-way road.
This bridge, this path, there's no way to come back from it. And Yuuta…
Yuuta should be fine with that. It's what he wanted, after all. For the pain to stop, for him to stop hurting other people.
He looks at this Rika-chan, wrong and empty and smaller than he remembered her being. Thinks about the other Rika-chan, about the one who stayed by his side because they promised to keep each other safe. Thinks about Toji-san, about the warmth of his hands and the way his voice shook when he told Yuuta he needed him.
What will become of them once Yuuta crosses that bridge in its entirety ?
If this really is a one-way road, then…
Then…
He gets up. Closes his eyes, breathing deeply. He will be strong.
Yuuta braces himself against the guardrail. Opens his eyes.
He climbs it and jumps into the river.
There's no way he will ever be fine with this. With leaving Rika-chan behind again, growing without her and crossing without her and abandoning her for good this time. No way he can be fine with leaving Toji-san on his own when he said he needs Yuuta.
The water is deep, deeper than it looked from above, and Yuuta's feet can't touch the river's bed. He struggles, barely manages to bring his mouth above water and take a short breath before his own weight takes him down under once more.
He should have asked Toji-san to teach him how to swim.
Still, there is no way he can be fine with this, no way he can let himself drown again. This, he refuses to do.
He kicks and claws at the water with all his strength, trying to keep himself just afloat enough to breathe, trying to reach the shore, hoping the river doesn't work like the bridge does. Hoping he can make it home.
It's exhausting. Yuuta has no idea what he's doing, and probably wastes so much energy with every move. All he knows is that he has to do this.
He has to fight. Has to live.
His arm emerges, fingers closing around a fistful of spider-lilies, desperately clinging on to them, pulling his body upwards and finally getting his head out of the water.
Yuuta breathes, hard. Too fast. Lungs painfully closed around some water that managed to get in.
It's exhausting.
If he lets go, he doesn't know if he can make it again.
He looks up, then. Prepares to pull himself out of the river before his weak body gives out on him.
He looks up, and Rika-chan looks down on him. She crouches, her smile unchanging as she brings her face closer to Yuuta's, as her small, child hands close around his.
"Rika-chan –"
As she pulls on Yuuta's fingers, one by one, to loosen their grip around the plants.
"Rika-chan, please don't do this."
As Yuuta tries to keep himself afloat, tries to grab onto the shore again, breath short and limbs weak, hands batted away the moment they get any closer to where Rika-chan is sitting.
He feels the water swallowing his face. If he could cry, if the river allowed him to feel tears fall, he thinks he'd be crying.
She's waving bye-bye to him now.
"We said," he gasps, chokes on water, or air, or whatever it is he is feeling right now. "We promised to keep each other safe, right ?" Yuuta asks the empty Rika-chan, knowing she won't answer.
Her hand stops.
Yuuta kicks down one last time, and then his body gives out.
He feels himself sink.
Above him, through the layer of water troubling his vision, Rika-chan's face doesn't look like it's smiling anymore.
Doesn't look…
Doesn't…
… look…
… human…
Something large and cold closes around Yuuta's arm. Pulls him out.
He coughs. Chokes out the river water he swallowed. Rika-chan's other hand comes to support his lower body, careful not to pull to hard on Yuuta's arm and accidentally dislocate his shoulder. She cradles him, brings him back onto the shore gently.
Letting go of his arm, she taps on Yuuta's back to help him get the last of the water out of his lungs. He leans against her other hand, lets her thumb wipe what he thinks are tears from his face.
"Yuu…. ta…. ?"
Her voice is shaking.
"That's," he coughs. Breathes. Tries his best to smile and reassure her. "That's me."
"Yuuta. You're….. Yuuta. You're…. We….. We keep…. safe."
Her hands are shaking. Yuuta presses himself closer against them.
"That's right. We keep each other safe." He closes his eyes, cheek resting against Rika-chan's finger. "Did you… forget ?"
"Rika remembers now !"
She sounds agitated, almost panicked. Offended that he had to correct her mistake.
Yuuta quickly rises to his feet, presses his hands on what little of her face he can reach, tries his best to soothe her. She bows down, allowing him to try his best approximation of a hug, forehead leaning against one side of her eye, one hand caressing the cold skin on the other.
He feels Rika-chan's sharp teeth brush against his legs. Trusts that she won't bite down, not now, not when she is back to being herself.
"Rika…. Rika loves Yuuta."
"I know."
"Rika keeps Yuuta safe."
"That's right. Thank you."
"Rika… forgot. Sorry, so, so sorry."
Water slides down her face in drops as big as Yuuta's hand, not just from her eye but from all the creases of her skin, and if Yuuta wasn't already drenched before, he would be now.
It's the first time Yuuta has seen her cry in this form, he realizes. He hates it just as much as before.
"It's fine now, Rika-chan. I promise. You remember, so it's fine." He tries to reassure her the best he can, to make it so he never has to see her like that again, so she never has to feel like that again. Still… he feels like he needs to ask, "how come… How did you forget ?"
She doesn't answer immediately. Presses her face into Yuuta's embrace harder, to the point he almost falls backwards.
"Too long."
Huh ?
"Long, long time…. so… forgot."
Right, it's been… Yuuta doesn't know how long it's been. They were eleven. There was a summer storm, just like the one Yuuta remembers happened before he found himself in front of the bridge.
They were eleven. Children. And now he is… he doesn't know how old he is, but the other Rika-chan was so small next to him. Time has passed, summer storm after summer storm, and he grew without her.
He guesses it would make sense she would forget things, after all this time. That some part of her would change too.
"Rika-chan, do you… Do you want to cross, now ?"
It would make sense if she did. If that, too, changed.
"Only with Yuuta." Of course that would be her answer. "Only if Yuuta wants."
Oh.
Yuuta would follow her if she wanted to cross, without a single hesitation. He owes it to her.
If the decision is up to him, though, he…
"Would you," he takes a step back, looks Rika-chan straight in the eye, "would you be sad, if I didn't want to ?"
She blinks, once, slowly. Her mouth stretches in the goofy yet scary way it does when she finds something really funny, fully showing her sharp teeth and the entirety of her gums, inhuman and yet filled with emotion.
"Never ! Rika loves Yuuta, loves staying with Yuuta ! Never sad !"
She raised her hands in the air to emphasize that last exclamation, and Yuuta can't help but laugh.
"Thank you, Rika-chan. I…" He waits for her to look back down at him. "I think… I think I want to live now. I'm," Yuuta can't believe he's saying this, believing this, "I'm happy now. Plus," he adds like a joke, "if I crossed now, Toji-san would be sad !"
Rika-chan looks at him, deep in thought. Or so Yuuta thinks.
"Is this… alright ?"
She nods, almost too enthusiastically, to the point of nearly hitting her forehead on his skull.
"Yuuta lives ! Rika stays with Yuuta ! Happy happy !" She turns serious then. "Yuuta…. keeps Toji safe ?"
Ah, he guesses that's how she would understand it. In a way, it isn't wrong. Yuuta doesn't want to hurt Toji-san, doesn't want him to be hurt by anyone or anything.
Yuuta supposes it means he wants to keep Toji-san safe, even if he never put those words on his feelings before. It feels weird, using them for anyone but Rika-chan.
"I… I think I'd like to keep him safe, yes. He's done so much for me, and he is… He is precious to me. The same as you."
"Yuuta… keeps Toji safe….."
"Does it disappoint you ?"
She shakes her head.
"Yuuta keeps Toji safe. Toji…." Her eye squints in a way that makes Yuuta think she is frowning. She doesn't look unhappy, though. More like she is trying to solve a very hard riddle. "Toji keeps Yuuta safe. Sometimes," she adds, stubborn.
Yuuta bites his lip, tries not to laugh.
"I guess ?"
"Rika and…. Toji…. Keep Yuuta safe. Together. Not alone. But Yuuta keeps Toji safe alone. Not good. Yuuta gets lonely if alone."
That's true, but hearing it said makes him sound kind of pathetic. Where is Rika-chan going with this, anyway ?
"If Rika keeps Toji safe, then Yuuta not alone anymore ! Not lonely ! Good and happy and not lonely !"
"You mean… You would…"
"Rika keeps Toji safe. For Yuuta."
She nods once, determined, and Yuuta thinks he's going to cry.
"I… Thank you. Thank you so much, Rika-chan. For…"
He puts his hands to each side of her eye, cupping her face. Looks up at her. Smiles.
"For everything."
At first, Toji thinks he's finally gone mad. That he's become so desperate, strained his ear so much that the wind's cries have begun to sound like a deep breath.
At first, he thinks the movement he feels against his skin is nothing more than his own shaking.
"Toji-san… you're crushing me…"
It's only once he hears that voice, weak and rough, yes, but still the voice of an alive, breathing, awake Yuuta, that Toji realizes.
He lets out a sigh of relief. Keeps his eyes shut tight, in case tears dare escape them.
"I'm, I'll move. Shit, are you alright ? Are you, do you need something, I don't know, tea or –"
"No… Just…"
Toji allows his arms to loosen their grip around Yuuta, just slightly, just enough to make sure his bones don't get crushed. Lets his body slide so that he is now resting mostly on the bedding, instead of putting his weight on Yuuta.
He considers going back to his futon. But then Yuuta leans against him, head on Toji's shoulder, relaxed and willing, nothing like the boneless thing he was these past days, nothing like the tense and restless brat he was before, and Toji…
There's no way Toji can leave his side now.
"Are you alright ?" Toji asks once more.
Just to be sure. Just in case.
"I'm fine. Thank you."
Yuuta's body is warmer than it was when Toji woke up, but the fever hasn't come back. That's good.
That's good.
That's…
"Toji-san ?"
"Yeah ? What is it ?"
"Can you…" Yuuta breathes (breathes !), and Toji waits. "Can you teach me how to swim ?"
That's… honestly, Toji doesn't know what he expected, but that's probably the last item on that list.
Still, it's something he can do, and it's something Yuuta is asking of him. Something Yuuta can ask of him, because he is alive and awake. Because he didn't die.
"Sure," Toji says. "I'll teach you."