Part3, Feeling Safe
INTRODUCTION: Part 3 of 4. Mostly just talking. Takes place about a month after the 1st part.
DISCLAIMER: By now everyone should know that I don't own these characters. I just own the story.
It was the night between December 24th and 25th. Chandler woke up to find the bedside next to him empty. He frowned and got out of bed.
Out in the living room, on the windowpane, Monica sat, staring out into the night. She had her robe on, and a blanket wrapped around her body from the waist down. She didn't hear Chandler coming.
"Hey..." he whispered, careful not to scare or startle her.
"Hey" she said, so low he could barely hear her. She kept her stare out the window.
"Trying to catch a glimpse of Santa?" Chandler joked, brushing her hair.
"Trying to catch a glimpse of sleep, I guess... a glimpse of safety..."
Chandler frowned. He secretly felt like a failure since she was feeling so unsafe, a good fiancé should be able to make his fiancée feel safe, after all. He put his hands on her shoulders and started to massage them.
"Mon... You know, every day isn't going to be like this" he said, hoping it was true. "It's going to get better. After all, you've started to go to that psychiatrist now, and in addition to that I guess it's true that time heals all wounds. I know it's hard to forget about, I know you never might forget it at all, but I also know that the memory is going to fade and become more unclear..." He paused in his monologue, and stared out into the night, just like she did. "I hate saying this, but maybe we should... consider moving. What do you think of that?"
Monica smiled slightly.
"Partly I want to say 'yeah, let's move right away, as soon as we can!'... but then again, it's like a challenge. If I can feel safe again living here, then I can feel safe anywhere."
"True..." Chandler said. "But on the other hand maybe the best thing for you right now is to not live here. We could sublet the apartment and live somewhere else for a year or two. And then come back here when you feel ready. So that you can gather more strength before you start to try and face your demons here."
"Only one problem... We're illegally subletting this apartment ourselves."
"Right, damn, I forgot that..."
They both kept staring into the night, Chandler still massaging Monica's shoulders. Both were caught up in their own thoughts. Chandler stopped with the massage after a few minutes, and instead gave her a hug from behind, sitting down on the bench by the window.
'I am so lucky that I have her here to hold...' he thought. 'These problems we're facing at the moment, are they really problems at all? What if she had been killed, life would have been such a long and dark nightmare, this is brightness and joy in comparison...'
He breathed in the smell of her hair, something he'd always loved doing, and got struck by the thought again for the first time since the night of the attack.
'I might never have gotten to hug her again! Never hold her close and breathe in the smell of her hair, or her perfume. I came so close to never getting to feel her in my arms again, hear the calm sound of her steady breath, kiss her, touch her, make love to her... My goodness, if she had died on that night, would I have been able to bare the pain? She means so much to me... more than anything else in this world, and a life without her isn't a life worth living.'
Monica felt him draw her close, felt him kiss the back of her head, and hear the small inhaling sound when he caught a breath of her hair. She too was busy thinking.
'What if this had happened before Chandler and I became Us?' she thought. 'Or if we never HAD become us? I know I have accused him of being unsupportive and unhelpful, but the truth is that without his love, support and help I wouldn't have gotten even this far. And I give him no credit for what he does for me, how he totally neglects himself and his own needs at times, to help me out. He's always, ALWAYS there for me, and I know I can count on him through thick and thin.'
She leaned her head back and rested it against his chest. She could feel his chin resting on her head. Slowly she stroke his hands and arms that were lingered around her waist. She closed her eyes for a second to savour the moment.
"There's something I have to say to you..." she said.
"Hmm?" Chandler mumbled.
"I just wanted you to know that... that I am so grateful for everything you've done for me. You are always there when I need you, whenever I need a shoulder to cry on you are within an arm's reach. I haven't given you even close to enough credit for this, but you really have to know that I need you, and I love you. I know that I'll always count on your support, but I do not take you for granted."
"Neither do I" Chandler mumbled. "Not since that night, anyway..."
"I wish I could take back everything I've said about you being a bad fiancé and not there for me, helping me out like you should."
"Well I think that right now you took it back."
Monica smiled.
"Does that mean my apology is accepted?"
"Yes."
"There's more, though... You simply don't know what an important part you play in my life. Before you my life was empty, there was always something missing, but now it's not anymore. You're my lover and my closest friend, you're everything I need in life."
Chandler smiled.
"Boy, you sure don't need a lot, do you?"
"I need more than I've found in any other man that's come into my life... Only you have represented everything I need."
Chandler frowned.
"I feel so guilty though, Monica. I know it's odd to say, maybe even absurd, but I kinda' feel responsible for what happened to you."
"Why?"
"Because, I should have been here! I should have been here to protect you, and to keep you safe."
"Honey... you didn't know what was going to happen when you left. There's nothing you could have done to prevent it. I spoke to Gary the other day, and he said that the man had most likely been following me around for about a week, so he must have known you were out of town."
"All the more reason why I should feel guilty that I wasn't here!"
"Guilty for what? Accepting a promotion? This man would have no doubt kept waiting until the day you left town for one reason or another. There was nothing you could have done."
"There's one thing I have done" Chandler said. "Actually I lost my job two days ago."
"You lost your job?"
Monica was shocked.
"Yeah, I lost my job."
"But... but why?"
Chandler sighed.
"They... wanted me to go to Phoenix for some conference."
"Yeah?"
"And..." Chandler frowned. "I told them I wouldn't go."
"Chandler, why on earth would you--"
"I am no idiot, Monica. Don't you think I know how uncomfortable you are in this apartment, how you sometimes cry yourself to sleep and how terrified you are each time you have to go to bed all alone? Usually I'm just a few minutes behind you, but I can still see it in your face, even hear it on your breath sometimes, when your breathing rhythm is different from what it usually is. I couldn't leave you alone here so soon after the attack, I just couldn't go away and concentrate on work, knowing you would be at home, too afraid to close your eyes and crying yourself to sleep eventually."
A tear fell down Monica's cheek. She felt ashamed that her fear was so clearly notable to him, even though she deep down wasn't surprised. He could read her as an open book. But she also felt ashamed that he had lost his job because of her. Her disability to get her act together, to pull herself together, had lead to him loosing his job. He had given it up for her, even though he finally worked with something that mattered to him.
"Chandler..." she said.
"Yeah?"
"You're a goddamned fool. But I love you for it."
Chandler smiled slightly.
"Thank you."
"So what are you going to do now? What kind of job will you be looking for?"
"Well, I thought I might as well see this as a golden opportunity."
"Let me mention that I also love you for your undying optimism" Monica said softly, and tilted
her head to kiss him on the shoulder.
"Well, you know, I thought that while I send out résumés, I might as well try and write something for a magazine or newspaper."
"Being paid to be funny?" Monica asked with a smile.
"Sort of... Although I wasn't just gonna write funny things. Hopefully I won't give up no matter how many rejection letters I receive."
"That's the spirit."
"I have a lot of spirit. And by the way, if we're planning on staying here long we should put up a mistletoe here."
Monica laughed at the comment, and turned to give him a kiss.
"I don't think we need one" she said, kissing him again while chuckling.
"So you're feeling better now, then?" Chandler asked with a happy smile.
"Yeah."
"Good. I like you better when you're in the Christmas spirit."
"Oh, like I was the other day when you forced me to decorate the apartment and make gingerbread cookies?" Monica sarcastically asked.
"Oh please Monica, CUJO had more Christmas spirit than you that day."
Monica turned around in his arms and they kissed again, Monica standing on her knees. The kisses got deeper and deeper.
"Yeah, you're right..." Chandler said between the kisses. "It's not like we need a mistletoe."
"You make me feel safe..." Monica whispered, too into her own thoughts to be listening to him.
Chandler stood up and pulled her to her feet. He threw the blanket on the couch and led her into the bedroom. Monica lay down on the bed, and Chandler got in next to her, leaning over her to kiss her. Monica put her arms around him and drew him close, enjoying the warm, familiar and above all comforting feeling of his body on top of hers.
"Aren't we a little too dressed?" Chandler mumbled, tugging her robe.
"Yeah... You definitely are" she replied.
"Geez, don't make me laugh Mon, I can't concentrate" Chandler said with a chuckle, sitting up to get undressed. "And once I loose concentration, it can take me a while to get it back."
"So don't concentrate for once" Monica said, getting undressed as well. "I like the funny Chandler as much as the serious Chandler. More, actually, 'cause the funny Chandler makes me laugh."
"Then I won't be funny Chandler" Chandler said with a smile, getting under the sheets next to her. "I prefer to have sex without you laughing."
"Boring" Monica said with a smile.
"Serious" Chandler claimed, and leaned over her again to kiss her.
Monica put her arms around him and enjoyed the moment. She ran her left hand through his hair and kept stroking his head with it. Chandler mumbled something she couldn't hear, and she didn't really care about hearing it either. She really didn't want to talk. She didn't even want to think. All she wanted to do was to be with him, and to feel as safe as she only did when he was close to her.
*
Monica slowly caught her breath, quietly wishing he wouldn't roll away. His weight didn't bother her, in fact she welcomed it. She loved how it made her feel safe, and she loved to feel secure in their relationship. Chandler was like a gift from above, and she intended to do everything in her power to keep him with her.
Chandler kissed her on the shoulder and then lifted himself up on his arms. He looked down on her and smiled.
"You know, it's been far too long..." he said.
"Don't roll away..." she begged in reply. "Please, Chandler..."
"Gosh, I'm gonna squish you!" he said, laying back down. He had his head to her left, and he smiled wide and lovingly as he played with her hair. "I love your hair... Although it could use a wash."
Monica playfully hit him.
"Watch it, Chandler."
"Okay, okay, truce" he laughed. "But you know, I'm just so happy I got to keep you. I wouldn't want to trade one single second with you for anything in the world. Really, I wouldn't."
"So what would you have said if I had been killed on that night?" Monica asked. "'I'd trade every single tomorrow for just one yesterday'?"
"I've never heard it put like that before..." Chandler said, stroking her cheek. "But yes, that would probably be what I would be saying."
"Good thing you're not saying it now" Monica smiled.
"Like there's any chance I would ever say that when you're in my future" Chandler replied, with a smile.
"I wouldn't say anything like that either" Monica said. "If only I got to have you in my future. Otherwise I'd be more than happy to trade my tomorrows for a yesterday."
Chandler leaned closer and kissed her. Then he leaned his head back, and closed his eyes, ready to go to sleep.
"Hey Chandler..." Monica said, wanting to ask him something.
"It's late, Monica" Chandler replied, wanting her to ask him whatever it was tomorrow.
Monica closed her eyes as well, and slowly caressed the back of Chandler's neck. She found it soothing and comforting. She breathed in the familiar scent of his hair and skin, founding that soothing too. Not really thinking about it, she slowly moved her right leg, that was lingered around his waist, up and down.
"Hey now, don't do that..." she heard him giggle. "It's too late for any more, but chances are I won't think so for long if you keep doing that..."
Monica obediently kept her leg still. She opened her eyes and stared on the ceiling, but then turning her look to him, only seeing the back of his head since he was facing the wall.
"Chandler I feel so safe..." she whispered, knowing it was the truth. "For the first time since the attack I feel completely safe... No one can hurt me while you're near, no one can get past you."
"Right now it wouldn't be too difficult" Chandler said. He opened his eyes and turned his head to look into her eyes. "But I'm so happy you feel safe with me."
"I'm always safe with you."
Read and review, please! Only one more part left...
INTRODUCTION: Part 3 of 4. Mostly just talking. Takes place about a month after the 1st part.
DISCLAIMER: By now everyone should know that I don't own these characters. I just own the story.
It was the night between December 24th and 25th. Chandler woke up to find the bedside next to him empty. He frowned and got out of bed.
Out in the living room, on the windowpane, Monica sat, staring out into the night. She had her robe on, and a blanket wrapped around her body from the waist down. She didn't hear Chandler coming.
"Hey..." he whispered, careful not to scare or startle her.
"Hey" she said, so low he could barely hear her. She kept her stare out the window.
"Trying to catch a glimpse of Santa?" Chandler joked, brushing her hair.
"Trying to catch a glimpse of sleep, I guess... a glimpse of safety..."
Chandler frowned. He secretly felt like a failure since she was feeling so unsafe, a good fiancé should be able to make his fiancée feel safe, after all. He put his hands on her shoulders and started to massage them.
"Mon... You know, every day isn't going to be like this" he said, hoping it was true. "It's going to get better. After all, you've started to go to that psychiatrist now, and in addition to that I guess it's true that time heals all wounds. I know it's hard to forget about, I know you never might forget it at all, but I also know that the memory is going to fade and become more unclear..." He paused in his monologue, and stared out into the night, just like she did. "I hate saying this, but maybe we should... consider moving. What do you think of that?"
Monica smiled slightly.
"Partly I want to say 'yeah, let's move right away, as soon as we can!'... but then again, it's like a challenge. If I can feel safe again living here, then I can feel safe anywhere."
"True..." Chandler said. "But on the other hand maybe the best thing for you right now is to not live here. We could sublet the apartment and live somewhere else for a year or two. And then come back here when you feel ready. So that you can gather more strength before you start to try and face your demons here."
"Only one problem... We're illegally subletting this apartment ourselves."
"Right, damn, I forgot that..."
They both kept staring into the night, Chandler still massaging Monica's shoulders. Both were caught up in their own thoughts. Chandler stopped with the massage after a few minutes, and instead gave her a hug from behind, sitting down on the bench by the window.
'I am so lucky that I have her here to hold...' he thought. 'These problems we're facing at the moment, are they really problems at all? What if she had been killed, life would have been such a long and dark nightmare, this is brightness and joy in comparison...'
He breathed in the smell of her hair, something he'd always loved doing, and got struck by the thought again for the first time since the night of the attack.
'I might never have gotten to hug her again! Never hold her close and breathe in the smell of her hair, or her perfume. I came so close to never getting to feel her in my arms again, hear the calm sound of her steady breath, kiss her, touch her, make love to her... My goodness, if she had died on that night, would I have been able to bare the pain? She means so much to me... more than anything else in this world, and a life without her isn't a life worth living.'
Monica felt him draw her close, felt him kiss the back of her head, and hear the small inhaling sound when he caught a breath of her hair. She too was busy thinking.
'What if this had happened before Chandler and I became Us?' she thought. 'Or if we never HAD become us? I know I have accused him of being unsupportive and unhelpful, but the truth is that without his love, support and help I wouldn't have gotten even this far. And I give him no credit for what he does for me, how he totally neglects himself and his own needs at times, to help me out. He's always, ALWAYS there for me, and I know I can count on him through thick and thin.'
She leaned her head back and rested it against his chest. She could feel his chin resting on her head. Slowly she stroke his hands and arms that were lingered around her waist. She closed her eyes for a second to savour the moment.
"There's something I have to say to you..." she said.
"Hmm?" Chandler mumbled.
"I just wanted you to know that... that I am so grateful for everything you've done for me. You are always there when I need you, whenever I need a shoulder to cry on you are within an arm's reach. I haven't given you even close to enough credit for this, but you really have to know that I need you, and I love you. I know that I'll always count on your support, but I do not take you for granted."
"Neither do I" Chandler mumbled. "Not since that night, anyway..."
"I wish I could take back everything I've said about you being a bad fiancé and not there for me, helping me out like you should."
"Well I think that right now you took it back."
Monica smiled.
"Does that mean my apology is accepted?"
"Yes."
"There's more, though... You simply don't know what an important part you play in my life. Before you my life was empty, there was always something missing, but now it's not anymore. You're my lover and my closest friend, you're everything I need in life."
Chandler smiled.
"Boy, you sure don't need a lot, do you?"
"I need more than I've found in any other man that's come into my life... Only you have represented everything I need."
Chandler frowned.
"I feel so guilty though, Monica. I know it's odd to say, maybe even absurd, but I kinda' feel responsible for what happened to you."
"Why?"
"Because, I should have been here! I should have been here to protect you, and to keep you safe."
"Honey... you didn't know what was going to happen when you left. There's nothing you could have done to prevent it. I spoke to Gary the other day, and he said that the man had most likely been following me around for about a week, so he must have known you were out of town."
"All the more reason why I should feel guilty that I wasn't here!"
"Guilty for what? Accepting a promotion? This man would have no doubt kept waiting until the day you left town for one reason or another. There was nothing you could have done."
"There's one thing I have done" Chandler said. "Actually I lost my job two days ago."
"You lost your job?"
Monica was shocked.
"Yeah, I lost my job."
"But... but why?"
Chandler sighed.
"They... wanted me to go to Phoenix for some conference."
"Yeah?"
"And..." Chandler frowned. "I told them I wouldn't go."
"Chandler, why on earth would you--"
"I am no idiot, Monica. Don't you think I know how uncomfortable you are in this apartment, how you sometimes cry yourself to sleep and how terrified you are each time you have to go to bed all alone? Usually I'm just a few minutes behind you, but I can still see it in your face, even hear it on your breath sometimes, when your breathing rhythm is different from what it usually is. I couldn't leave you alone here so soon after the attack, I just couldn't go away and concentrate on work, knowing you would be at home, too afraid to close your eyes and crying yourself to sleep eventually."
A tear fell down Monica's cheek. She felt ashamed that her fear was so clearly notable to him, even though she deep down wasn't surprised. He could read her as an open book. But she also felt ashamed that he had lost his job because of her. Her disability to get her act together, to pull herself together, had lead to him loosing his job. He had given it up for her, even though he finally worked with something that mattered to him.
"Chandler..." she said.
"Yeah?"
"You're a goddamned fool. But I love you for it."
Chandler smiled slightly.
"Thank you."
"So what are you going to do now? What kind of job will you be looking for?"
"Well, I thought I might as well see this as a golden opportunity."
"Let me mention that I also love you for your undying optimism" Monica said softly, and tilted
her head to kiss him on the shoulder.
"Well, you know, I thought that while I send out résumés, I might as well try and write something for a magazine or newspaper."
"Being paid to be funny?" Monica asked with a smile.
"Sort of... Although I wasn't just gonna write funny things. Hopefully I won't give up no matter how many rejection letters I receive."
"That's the spirit."
"I have a lot of spirit. And by the way, if we're planning on staying here long we should put up a mistletoe here."
Monica laughed at the comment, and turned to give him a kiss.
"I don't think we need one" she said, kissing him again while chuckling.
"So you're feeling better now, then?" Chandler asked with a happy smile.
"Yeah."
"Good. I like you better when you're in the Christmas spirit."
"Oh, like I was the other day when you forced me to decorate the apartment and make gingerbread cookies?" Monica sarcastically asked.
"Oh please Monica, CUJO had more Christmas spirit than you that day."
Monica turned around in his arms and they kissed again, Monica standing on her knees. The kisses got deeper and deeper.
"Yeah, you're right..." Chandler said between the kisses. "It's not like we need a mistletoe."
"You make me feel safe..." Monica whispered, too into her own thoughts to be listening to him.
Chandler stood up and pulled her to her feet. He threw the blanket on the couch and led her into the bedroom. Monica lay down on the bed, and Chandler got in next to her, leaning over her to kiss her. Monica put her arms around him and drew him close, enjoying the warm, familiar and above all comforting feeling of his body on top of hers.
"Aren't we a little too dressed?" Chandler mumbled, tugging her robe.
"Yeah... You definitely are" she replied.
"Geez, don't make me laugh Mon, I can't concentrate" Chandler said with a chuckle, sitting up to get undressed. "And once I loose concentration, it can take me a while to get it back."
"So don't concentrate for once" Monica said, getting undressed as well. "I like the funny Chandler as much as the serious Chandler. More, actually, 'cause the funny Chandler makes me laugh."
"Then I won't be funny Chandler" Chandler said with a smile, getting under the sheets next to her. "I prefer to have sex without you laughing."
"Boring" Monica said with a smile.
"Serious" Chandler claimed, and leaned over her again to kiss her.
Monica put her arms around him and enjoyed the moment. She ran her left hand through his hair and kept stroking his head with it. Chandler mumbled something she couldn't hear, and she didn't really care about hearing it either. She really didn't want to talk. She didn't even want to think. All she wanted to do was to be with him, and to feel as safe as she only did when he was close to her.
*
Monica slowly caught her breath, quietly wishing he wouldn't roll away. His weight didn't bother her, in fact she welcomed it. She loved how it made her feel safe, and she loved to feel secure in their relationship. Chandler was like a gift from above, and she intended to do everything in her power to keep him with her.
Chandler kissed her on the shoulder and then lifted himself up on his arms. He looked down on her and smiled.
"You know, it's been far too long..." he said.
"Don't roll away..." she begged in reply. "Please, Chandler..."
"Gosh, I'm gonna squish you!" he said, laying back down. He had his head to her left, and he smiled wide and lovingly as he played with her hair. "I love your hair... Although it could use a wash."
Monica playfully hit him.
"Watch it, Chandler."
"Okay, okay, truce" he laughed. "But you know, I'm just so happy I got to keep you. I wouldn't want to trade one single second with you for anything in the world. Really, I wouldn't."
"So what would you have said if I had been killed on that night?" Monica asked. "'I'd trade every single tomorrow for just one yesterday'?"
"I've never heard it put like that before..." Chandler said, stroking her cheek. "But yes, that would probably be what I would be saying."
"Good thing you're not saying it now" Monica smiled.
"Like there's any chance I would ever say that when you're in my future" Chandler replied, with a smile.
"I wouldn't say anything like that either" Monica said. "If only I got to have you in my future. Otherwise I'd be more than happy to trade my tomorrows for a yesterday."
Chandler leaned closer and kissed her. Then he leaned his head back, and closed his eyes, ready to go to sleep.
"Hey Chandler..." Monica said, wanting to ask him something.
"It's late, Monica" Chandler replied, wanting her to ask him whatever it was tomorrow.
Monica closed her eyes as well, and slowly caressed the back of Chandler's neck. She found it soothing and comforting. She breathed in the familiar scent of his hair and skin, founding that soothing too. Not really thinking about it, she slowly moved her right leg, that was lingered around his waist, up and down.
"Hey now, don't do that..." she heard him giggle. "It's too late for any more, but chances are I won't think so for long if you keep doing that..."
Monica obediently kept her leg still. She opened her eyes and stared on the ceiling, but then turning her look to him, only seeing the back of his head since he was facing the wall.
"Chandler I feel so safe..." she whispered, knowing it was the truth. "For the first time since the attack I feel completely safe... No one can hurt me while you're near, no one can get past you."
"Right now it wouldn't be too difficult" Chandler said. He opened his eyes and turned his head to look into her eyes. "But I'm so happy you feel safe with me."
"I'm always safe with you."
Read and review, please! Only one more part left...