Far Too Close
Two
Nights passed. Weeks went. Nothing changed. I woke up, I worked if there was work, I ate, I slept. I couldn't, didn't talk Asuka into dumping Ryujirou, simply because I had already said it once and to repeat it would be stupid, and Asuka hates naggy people. She had fallen in love to talking with Kermit, who was always so funny, so cool, so generous with himself, this alternate 'me" that I've always wished I could be.
My mother didn't find me. She only left me an address in case I ever need her in any way. She promised to never turn me away again. Another promise. Wonder if she can keep it this time, her guilt for leaving me so strong now that she could not justify why I should see her. But I guess to promise to care for someone can only originate from love and so such a promise is immovable, just like I promised myself to always watch out for Asuka.
Asuka only made one comment about my decision of not seeing my mother: "But hadn't you started as a detective to help find lost persons?"
Maybe I did, I don't know. To lose someone you desperately want to see, knowing that this person is somewhere in the sea of people... you won't understand unless you've experienced it yourself. I only liked that side of my job, really, finding what people have lost. I know Asuka meant that I started out to look for something I think was missing in myself, but that kind of philosophy, well, I never really cared about it. I do it so I do it, to hell with the reasons and deeper meanings of the action. Thinking too much on that topic screws my brain. Anyway, life didn't give us much choice but to take almost every possible client, be the job looking for lost persons or checking on cheating marriage partners. Got to eat, you know, and pay the rent and all the other bills that are the sole reasons for which most people work. I don't know if I am one of these people, but as I've said, thinking up deeper meanings kill my brain cells.
This job never bothered Asuka much, I mean the whole detective thing. With our level of education, which was as much as the orphanage could afford with the little funds and donations it got, we couldn't find anywhere we could go. I could resort to physical labour but not Asuka, so we decided to work for ourselves. So I don't show much enthusiasm, especially in the mornings, to my job and Asuka's the one that sometimes drags me to my desk, but I sure love doing this better than she does. She doesn't hate it, but at least she doesn't love it. If Ryujirou ever ask her to quit being a detective, I think she would listen to him. Afterall, Ryujirou is more important.
Yes, I know that by now. There was no contest between me and Ryujirou. I was simply too late. Too late in realising my own feelings, too late to tell her how I feel, too late for her to have any feelings for me. I know it all.
It's just accepting it that was the problem.
I hate to admit this. It is a toy snatched from a child's hand. It is seeing your beloved hamster being tortured by other kids... although Asuka isn't my toy or my hamster and she doesn't get put away when I've had enough of her for the day. But I never knew I am so possessive. I just want to see her every minute of the day. I just want her to stay at home, be with me and only me. I don't want to let anyone set eyes on her, and I want her to see only me. "Mine." I want to say, with my arms around her. Lock her in the house. Lock the two of us in the house.
You think I'm sick? What a coincidence, so do I.
On the dance floor, we rocked to the music that blared at its maximum, and we were closer, and closer, until our bodies rubbed against each other in full length, and I held her to me as we continued to dance, my lips found hers, our breaths exchanged. Yes. This one. All the other ones I met this night would not do but this one. My hands feasted on her body, travelling on her curves and she melted against me, our kiss deepened.
I'm getting worse, I know it. Just because this woman wore the same perfume as Asuka. The perfume I gave her on her birthday. I'm getting so... obsessed. I should be trying to forget, not trying to find another woman that bore any resemblance of Asuka so that I could let myself bed her.
As it was ever since I was in love, I felt dirty when I got home, having been with another woman. I washed myself until I smelled like a walking strawberry, and Asuka giggled when I sat down beside her on the sofa, commenting on how delicious I smelled. I offered her a piece of myself if she was that hungry, little did she know that she already had a piece of me, the heart, the vital organ to my living. She proclaimed that she was hungry, bit on the top of my left arm hard and I yelled.
"Oi that kills!" That almost pierced the skin! Hell!
Asuka just giggled more until she was in hysterics, tossing her head back, showing off that graceful swan neck gracelessly. How hyper. A sign that she was super happy or awfully depressed. Not the former, because there couldn't be anything happening that made her this happy, with all that Ryujirou business hanging over her like a dark cloud. I don't think that man will ever behave, I can bet my life on that one.
Should I pry it out from her then, whatever that's bothering her?
"The agony uncle's free, so you might as well use him." I said whilst I switched off the television that was showing some games programme that was more like torturing people. It was rather cold in the living room as well, so I went and shut the windows, moving in extra slow motion to give her enough time to find a point to start. Only a few houses and flats still had lights on, otherwise it was pitch black outside, but there weren't many stars. Asuka and I are both star gazers, something we had developed from the days at the orphanage. The first time we got caught was because of that stupid Squeaky Bench that just wouldn't shut up. We used to just look up and talk about anything, especially our problems, what was upsetting us and all that. Well, no stars this night, but that didn't mean I wouldn't spend my time to listen to her.
I went through the cushions, then behind the sofa, finally finding Kermit and Piggy on our desks. I settled down on the sofa again, and Kermit spoke for me. "Weeell?"
"Kermit, I've got something to discuss with you... Ryu asked me to move in with him."
... What?
Kermit froze, so did I. Moving away. Ryu's taking Asuka away from me. No. No. Can't let that happen. Asuka's mine. She's been with me since all those years ago and no one, no one will separate us. I won't let that happen.
"Aren't you happy for me?" Piggy moved about, but I looked at Asuka instead, her eyes fixed on mine as well. "He asked me to be with him."
Desperately I tried to answer her. I ran a hand through my hair, tearing my eyes off hers. I fidgeted, uncrossed my legs, I couldn't stay still. No way this is happening to me. We should be together forever.
"I... don't trust this man." I tried to smile. "So what's the discussion about anyway?"
Piggy looked down at her feet and said quietly, "I just... thought I should ask you, coz we've been living together for so many years and if I move out... I don't know! I just think I should talk through this with you!"
I looked out the window from where I sat. Starless nights aren't good for deep discussions, I don't like where this talk is heading, or the fact that Asuka seems stuck, or torn in between.
"If you move out." I, or Kermit, quoted Piggy. I gazed at Asuka, she somehow looked guilty. "What do you mean, if you move out? I think you've already made the choice."
I know you, Asuka. I know what you would choose. Why did you bother going around in circles? It's not going to make it any better for me. Shouldn't let this happen, mustn't let this happen. You can't leave me! Why that man? Why that man who cannot give you anything you need, you want, you deserve? I can't give you much, but at least I love you!
Or is my love worthless to you?
I turned away from her when tears fell. It's real, all this is happening, I can do nothing to stop it. I'm going to just sit here and watch her leave. Leave for a bastard she loves.
"Kermit." I felt Piggy touch my hand. Asuka's voice was somewhat in pain as well. "I'm sorry."
I shook my head. In my hand, Kermit shook his head too. "Don't worry about it. I'll get used to being alone."
That was sulking, wasn't it. Can't believe I've resorted to such a childish act. Must stop those damn tears, it will look like an overreaction to Asuka. Must stop.
"I... I know this is selfish, but I don't expect you to understand. You've never - "
That's it, I've had enough.
"Stop saying that! I do love! I'm not some loveless bastard with no feelings! I do have someone I love!"
Will you stop screwing with my feelings for once?
"You..." Then Asuka laughed almost melodically. She must have thought everything was solved then, I have someone I want, so I wouldn't be lonely. Wishful thinking.
"You never told me!" Piggy hit me, not being able to nudge with such a short arm. "Who's the lucky lady?"
Last chance Youji. This is your last chance. She's going. Tell her how you feel, make the bet.
I turned to look at her then. I let Kermit kiss Piggy. Asuka froze.
She stayed frozen when I leaned over to kiss her.
Now you know who the lucky lady is.
What the hell are you doing Youji? Stop right there! It'll never be you. You touch those lips with yours, you lose her totally. You won't even be her friend. It'll never be you no matter what you do.
I stopped. I held myself back. I felt something shatter. My heart. The broken pieces cut me, I bled and bled until I was stone cold. It'll never be me.
"... X"cuse me." Leaving Kermit, I stumbled my way into my room and locked the door.
My arm bloody hurts and so does my head and the world swooshed around me. I could still smell Asuka's perfume, so close I was to her I almost kissed her. What was I doing? I knew I could never have her, yet this feeling of possession inside me... I blew it. After all this time, I can't even leave her a good memory when she moves out. What"re you going to do now? When will you learn that Asuka isn't yours? She can go anywhere she wants to, you can't make her stay, you can't make her love you.
My arm, where she closed her teeth upon, hurt as if to remind me of the very pain of this final lesson. What I learned shall pain me for as long as I live, and I will have this ache engraved into me, it will follow me, it shall have me in agony every time I think of her. So that I will never, ever repeat this mistake.
I thought about quitting my job.
Not exactly quit because I'm self employed, but I thought about ending this detective business, packing my bags and leaving here. But there wasn't anywhere I belonged to except this place where my friends and I, especially Asuka, shared the most important few years of our lives in. Every inch of this house was filled with memories. The little dents on the floor, the half broken door handle, the marks on the walls all have their stories.
Years had marked Sister's face. Wrinkles had became creases, her hair had lost all its colour, visible at the edges of the hood she wore and her hand was bony when it grasped mine. "Giving it back to the parish?"
"Yeah, I think I need a change."
Her grey eyebrows lifted in surprise. "But what about Asuka?"
"She's moved out, Sister."
I touched my left arm. The pain was acute. It had became some sort of a habit, ever since I had this tattoo done, to touch it when I think of Asuka. When you gonna learn. Suits me perfect, don't you think. I drew this myself and gave it to the tattooist, one of my friends from the orphanage days. He was so surprised when I asked him to do it for me. He asked me why and I gave him a simple answer: for the pain.
"... Oh Youji." Sister sighed deeply, "How did I know. How did I know you'll end up this way. Poor thing."
She looked straight into my eyes, and all I could do was smile, finally understanding what she meant by me being too tough with the world, too tough with myself - I think about Asuka too much, want her happiness too much that I was never aware of the damage it did to me. Sister really knew me better than I did.
"Hold on, Youji. Don't despair, you'll be fine."
Isn't that rather exaggerated. Don't despair. I'm not in despair, am I? Sister seemed to be so concerned, so stunned by the news of Asuka's leaving, and even more astounded by the fact that I had let her go, possessive as I am by nature. She must have known how I felt for my best friend.
"I think I'm sick, Sister. I just wanna find her and - I can't believe she's gone. I don't want to be around. The house's got enough memories to haunt me."
"I think one day she'll realise who's important and who isn't." She let go of my hand. "Stay. Be there when she needs you. She'll realise."
I don't think she will. I had been there for her for enough years, but she hadn't even given me a call since she left a week ago. I wonder how Kermit is doing. I stuffed him into Asuka's bag when she didn't notice. Kermit was useless without Piggy, just like I was without Asuka, there was no point to have him with me. At least every time she sees Kermit she might think of this friend who was in love with her.
She won't realise. She never had, she never will, not even with the knowledge of my love for her. But if Sister wants me to stay so much, then I'll stay.
Only when I got back into work again did I know that Asuka had turned down many potential clients before. She used to be the one who accept jobs and had only picked the easy, safe jobs for the two of us to do. Now things were just rolling in. Most of them were investigations of some sort. I took them as much as I could find time for them so that I would not have a single moment to stop. Stopping to think about anything. To stop thinking. Thinking too much hurts, not only my brain but my shattered self.
Breakfast became tasteless. I knew now, I only enjoyed having breakfast because she had made it for me, I could wake up and look forward to something simple Asuka had prepared for me. It didn't matter if it was porridge or cornflakes or bake beans on toast, it was just because of her. Just because.
I now sleep with my light on.
Just in case. In case Asuka passes by one night and want to drop in for a chat, she can see the light on from my window and won't worry about me being asleep. In case Ryujirou hurts her and she wants to talk to me. Just in case. Just to tell her I'm still waiting for her.
But weeks passed, she never came.
My fingertips brushed lightly over the wood surface as my other hand pressed down on my lighter to keep the fire going - otherwise I wouldn't be able to see in such darkness. I remember the very moment when we used our little knives to engrave our names here in hiragana, I was complaining how difficult it was to do it in kanji and fussing about my hair getting dirty because it got on the ground. Asuka then laughed at me and my trouble with growing out my hair, saying that I was even more sissy than she was when it came to cleanliness.
Etched deeply into the wood, on the underside of the Squeaky Bench: Youji. Asuka.
Back in those days, when you see Youji, you see Asuka. If it wasn't for Asuka's boyish behaviour and her short hair, which was so different to all the other girls who wanted to wear pretty dresses and have their hair long, everyone in the orphanage would have rumoured like mad about us. We appeared to be more like... um... brothers, twins, soulmates, anything but lovers.
Anything but lovers.
My arm hurt.
A pair of feet stopped at the bench. I didn't pay attention until a few seconds later I knew this person was going to look down here and see what was going on underneath. It was a pair of woman's feet. I could even tell whose it was. Asuka's.
Must have mistaken.
"Youji?"
No I hadn't mistaken.
"Come down here." I said, and she did. Lying on the ground next to me, underneath the Squeaky Bench, Asuka smelled the same, it was still that perfume I got her. It was a relief that she didn't change, the perfume, the looks, she was still the same. She grinned wide, very unlady-like, very Asuka-like, when she saw the engravings.
"Oh, the good old days." She touched the names, looking like she was remembering the times of the past. She made a little sound of surprise when it suddenly became pitch dark.
"Sorry, my hand's burning." I put down the lighter that had became red hot from being pressed down for too long. The damn thing would explode in a moment if I was to keep it lighted.
"Never mind."
"Shall we get outta here and look at the stars instead?"
Ha. Murase Asuka and Kudou Youji, the official star gazers of the orphanage, back on their Squeaky Bench to gaze at the stars. There were some white streetlamps, but my long sleeve concealed my tattoo from her. As soon as we settled on the bench comfortably, giggling when it refused to stop squeaking, I asked, "Why didn't you contact me? Is it because..." I trailed off, looking away.
"Thanks for Kermit." She said, ignoring my question.
"I just thought he'll be better off with you." I laughed shortly. Kermit might have ended up sandwiched between the cushions if he stayed with me. What do a big guy like me do with a toy like that?
She brought her legs up so that she sat cross-legged on the bench, throwing her head back to see the stars. There weren't many of them this night. "I've been thinking the last few weeks. I might be wrong and you can laugh at me for valuing myself so high, but... thinking about all that had happened before I moved..."
"Um." I answered simply. I knew the rest of what she was going to say: "I think I've hurt you in so many ways without knowing, and I don't know how to make up for it. I just want to say sorry." It stuns me, the fact that I know her enough to almost communicate speechlessly.
"Even talking like now..." She continued.
"Um." Yeah, hurts me. I clutched my left arm. Painful. "But stay, I want to talk. How are you?"
How are you. Like what some distant friends would ask. Even the sound of these words seemed to have thorns. We used to be able to talk so freely! I felt so restricted now, scared that the slip of a word would have Asuka storm away from me. "Is Ryu being nice to you?"
"He isn't seeing anybody else, as far as I know. Youji, can I work with you again?"
I looked at her in surprise. Asuka made a face, pulled at her hair a bit, and sighed. She was getting confused again. I took my time to study her, that flawless skin, those sparkling eyes with the little mole under the left one, that perfect neckline. Amazing that I had grown up with someone so outstandingly beautiful. Did she just ask if she could work with me again or was it my imagination?
"9 to 5 with me?"
"Yeah, I enjoyed those days."
"You won't get paid much."
"Don't have to pay me."
"Why?"
Why do you want to come back again just to work? Was Ryu being a bastard and you want to get away from him? But you never found me to talk about it. My doors are always open to you. The locks hadn't changed, your keys still work.
"I dunno. I just miss those days. And I miss you."
"Really." I didn't say that sarcastically, I just wasn't so sure.
"You sound doubtful, but yes, really. Youji you don't know how important you are to me."
"But not in the way I want to be important." I whispered. You"re greedy, Asuka. You want to be with Ryujirou, but you want to spend time working with me every day as well.
She heard me, I knew, but pretended she hadn't.
I grasped my arm harder. When you gonna learn. Each prick of the needle, its hot tip burning into the skin permanently, I felt it all again, I relived the pain of getting this tattoo. The more I love her, the more it shall hurt.
I should turn her down. I should. I don't know. Probably I am important to her, but what will I do, seeing her 9 to 5 every day, just as friends? Can I stand that? Even now, away from her, I see in my eyes scenes of her being with Ryujirou, that man holding her, giving me that evil glare to tell me that Asuka is his, not mine. It wasn't my pride that stood in the way, yes I was left behind, but pride would not have stopped me from wanting her back - it was something I could put aside for love. It was something that I had never put down in my life, except now. I allowed myself to stand at the window hoping to catch a glimpse of her. When the shower gel ran out I bought the exact same one again. I ate breakfast even when I didn't want any. I did all I could to fit Asuka into my life, even when she wasn't there with me. I can have her with me once again, a few hours every day, but things will never be the same. She won't steal my blanket to get me out of bed, she won't cook me breakfast, she won't buy the shower gel, none of that. I don't want to feel everything had... somewhat got rotten. To have her with me again, all I will think of is her being with Ryujirou, and deepening the awareness that I had blew everything. That is too high a price to pay. At least for now, I can just fool myself into thinking that Asuka is still around...
No, it wasn't my pride, but I used it as my excuse, or reason, or whatever I gave as a reply. "Leave me a little pride, Asuka." I said, trying to turn my face away from her but couldn't. I can turn her down, but I can never turn away from her.
That was a "no, I can't have you move out and then come back in every day, that makes no sense and it hurts my ego".
I can't let you take away that last trace of false reality I live in.
Just get the hell away from me, Asuka, so that I can still imagine you are a part of my life.
So close you are to me, close enough to touch, yet so far away... shut me out from this knowledge. I don't want to know.
I opened my eyes, moving from dream to reality without moving my body once. Like a vampire's waking, just opening the eyes. Still half expecting someone to yell at me for not getting up yet.
I closed my eyes again. Asuka isn't here yet, got a few more minutes...
Dammit, she won't be here. You just saw her last night and she's getting the hell outta your life. No matter how many times you open your eyes you won't see her. Things changed.
I got off my bed when I smelled something strange. Like cooking.
Déjà vu. Asuka cooking breakfast in the kitchen. You drank a tick too much last night Youji, get back to bed.
"Gosh you"re awake already! What a surprise!"
Hold on a minute. This is no dream. My head doesn't hurt, I only had a shot of vodka last night, I can't be seeing things, hearing things. Mopping my hair from me eyes, I took another good look. It was my Asuka alright. Sorry I don't mean mine. Not mine.
What is she doing here, in.... my home? Didn't I make myself clear last night? Why come to... haunt me, Asuka. You don't have any sympathy for the little me who loves you. Do you know how hard it was to say no to you last night? And here you are, frying sausages and eggs in the kitchen as if nothing happened. Last night didn't happen, the night you moved away didn't take place, and no, neither did the night I tried to kiss you. Life is full of pleasant surprises. Ah I'm so glad I ticked the "yes" box in the questionnaire when I was still a foetus, I'm so happy that I had chosen to be alive. Miracles happen everywhere, little fairies fly around in the skies. What a wonderful life.
I don't believe in that load of crap.
I didn't ask, I just walked to her, silently demanding an answer.
"Call me a shameless bitch, but I've let go of my pride. I just want to be here." She handed me a plate then, turning around to get the forks and knives.
And I just want to be with you. But it's just that... it's just that... it burns me. The passion I have for you, that feeling of possession, and that hatred, for me, for you, for Ryujirou, for knowing that you"re living with him, for confessing to myself too late, it's all burning me alive. Yet there's no way to release it, and now seeing you, just like the way we used to be... one day I'll burn you too, I won't be able to stand your staying with another man any longer, I won't let you leave the house, I'll become violent. Things will shatter, this love will kill the both of us. Do you understand?
You don't.
I gave in. Let it burn, just like the way the needle burned my arm, let it take me alive then. If that is what you want.
Asuka looked at my list of jobs and frowned. She didn't like the look of them, of course, she had turned down all of those when she was here. I shrugged, burying my face into my pile of work. She didn't say anything more then, she just sat back down on her now rather empty desk and got to work. Most of these jobs were very physical, or even stealthy, ugly. I will stop taking them if Asuka is here to stay.
No Youji she doesn't stay here. She just hops in for a few hours every weekday, get it right.
"You don't have to do them." I pointed at the list she was holding.
"Why, I'm not fit enough?"
"They"re dangerous."
"Well you shouldn't have accepted them then."
"I need to pay the rent. And I don't want to have to ring up Ryu if anything happens to you."
Asuka must have felt the prick in my words. I meant it. I don't want her to get involved into investigating all these dirty things, plus physically speaking, she really isn't up for it. Tough woman she may seem, but she is fragile, I don't want her to see all these things she doesn't need to know to get on with life.
"I'm going anyway."
"Asuka why do you have to be against me?" Already losing patience, I slammed my palms on my desk, stood up and asked. "First you have to come back here, then you won't listen to me. I say stay away from those investigations!"
"And when will you understand?" She rose from her chair as well, looking somewhat... hurt. "It's been Youji and Asuka, Youji and Asuka ever since we were small and now Asuka can't seem to do without Youji! Asuka's damn confused about everything but she knows she wants to be here and go where Youji goes!" Pulling her short locks and groaning at herself, she ran into the bathroom.
I fell back into my seat when the door slammed.
Now you"re confusing me, Asuka.
Unquenchable thirst. Just like that. As if she will vanish any moment, I have to constantly stop myself from reaching out for her. Sick. It's the same feeling, that she is mine and mine only, I won't let her go at the end of the day, I'll make sure no other men set eyes on her and she will see me, only me. I'm all she needs.
Completely sick. I need to see a doctor.
I actually considered that, I got a telephone book that was the equivalent of the Yellow Pages, put it on my desk and stared at it. All rather funny, just staring as if that would tell me if I really need help. I remember wanting to punch this guy yesterday when the two of us went out and his eyes set on her, scanning from head to toe, finally stopping at her breasts with that smile on his face. It felt as though he was assaulting Asuka just with his eyes. I so wanted to blind him then. Dig out his eyeballs then stomp on them. See what I mean by sick?
Or maybe I'm just overprotective.
I flicked open the telephone book when Asuka walked pass behind me, pretending to be looking for some relevant numbers for the investigation, pulling up my sunglasses to hold my hair up so that I could actually read the pages. I like my hair this way, at least it won't go too curly, like it would if it's shorter.
"Are you sure you want to come?" I glanced at Asuka, carefully avoided mentioning what she said the other day. I still don't know what she meant. Probably even she doesn't. I don't think she meant what it seemed to mean because if it was that way, then she would've moved back in to be with me. She still loves Ryujirou, she isn't going to leave him. Therefore she doesn't, can't, won't love me. Even if I am infinitely better than Ryujirou, it's not me.
I smashed my face into the telephone book. I want to hold her and demand from her why, why she loves that man and not me. What is it that he has and I haven't got? What had I done wrong?
"Yup. Definitely." Asuka replied, gathering her things together. Is it five already? Five thirty, in fact, looking up from the book at the clock. Another eight hours spent with her, I wonder how many eight hours I can have with her. "I'm not missing out. I'm part of this business too."
I knew there was no way to stop her from joining me in the upcoming investigation. Asuka is good at demanding things her way. Probably even in bed.
Sheesh. What the hell are you thinking.
I spoke before thinking. "Stay here tonight." Then I realised what I just said and looked away from her, hoping that I wouldn't start blushing. I rarely ever blushed anyway, it's just a non-Youji thing to do.
I was expecting Asuka to laugh and leave, but she picked up the telephone and made a call to Ryujirou saying that she would be staying with a friend for the night, not mentioning who the friend was. If Ryujirou knew it was me he"d erupt.
We drank. Only a tiny bit so that I still had full consciousness, I didn't want to do anything silly or outrageous in front of Asuka, namely, try to kiss her again. But it helped me relax in front of her, stopping me from remembering a bastard called Ryujirou. When we sat on the sofa and chatted the night away, finishing a whole tub of strawberry ice-cream in the process, I felt that things were coming back, we were going back to what we once were. Like the bastard never existed. Perhaps the wine helped, I don't know. But my heart fluttered again when she announced that she was tired, and laying on the sofa, she rested her head on my lap and closed her eyes.
Sitting straight, I tipped my head back into the sofa and shut my eyes too. Too tempting. Mustn't look at her. Merely her perfume was seduction enough, if I look at her I'll do something... forbidden between us again. Darkness descended then, protecting Asuka. Can't see her anymore.
"Asuka?"
"Um?"
"Why Ryu and not me?"
"How am I supposed to answer that?"
"I don't know."
Silence.
"Asuka."
"Yeah what?"
"Nothing. Just feel like saying your name. Asuka. Asuka."
"Youji."
"Asuka."
"Youji."
"Asuka."
"Kermit."
"Love you."
"I know."
"Then why are you here."
"Coz I love you too."
"You drank too much."
"I only knew after I moved out."
"You drank too much."
"Perhaps."
I had the weirdest dream. Asuka said that she loves me, and I knew it wasn't as friends that she meant. No images, just sound, I heard her say that she loves me, and that sounded so natural, as if it was meant to be that way. I couldn't help but to look at her again and again, as we travelled for our little mission, craving for her to say those words again.
There were so many, many stars. A perfect night, wasted in work. But it wouldn't take long to get this over and done with, then the night would be ours. If Asuka doesn't go back to Ryujirou. She can sleep on my lap again and perhaps I'll get that dream once more. Must be the perfume that did it. It made me want to hold her, hold her, hold her, not letting her go anywhere, and make her mine. I want to be wherever she goes, tell the world that this young woman is taken, by me, and make them stay away from her. I felt my tattoo burning me again, like a piece of red hot iron pressing down onto my skin, marking the flesh. Watch out, this pain said to me, one day not only you, but she too, will be burnt into ashes by your passion. Your heartache will only be relieved by hurting her. You choose.
"Something wrong?"
I shook my head, finally looking away from Asuka. Stupid dream. Stupid Youji. You never learn.
Things went terribly wrong.
I don't know what we got ourselves into. Or what I got us into. There were people after us, with weapons, demanding our lives. What did we do? We just went in and took a look at some papers! Red alarm lights flashed, deafening bells rung, and we just ran faster than we ever could, leaping over fences, climbing over walls, almost falling off them. I had never seen this, the worst I had been through were some guard dogs and a few securities!
"Asuka! Over here!" I shouted at the top of my voice, but she couldn't hear me in this chaos. Already feeling beaten, I dashed towards her, knowing something had brushed pass me but didn't have the time to care, and dragged her to run on to a safer place. Pressing her body against the brick wall, she panted heavily and painfully, her face redder I had ever seen before. Clutching her chest with her head after bent forward, she stared at me.
I knew. My arm was bleeding. I felt the bullet fly pass me, tearing my flesh apart. It was warm and wet down the side of my arm now, and I held it, not taking a look. My Asuka's okay, that's all that matters. We"re going to get the hell out of here.
We listened to the people's shouts, knowing that they"re trying to find us and are going to do a roundabout search. We'll be doomed if we don't get out before that.
"Youji your arm - " Asuka whispered to me, her hand hesitantly reaching out.
"Are you okay?" I cut her short, pulling my shoulder back, away from her.
She nodded. "But you..." She was so worried. My arm must have looked horrible, the end of my sleeve dripped blood.
"Ah, it's okay. Listen. You"re gonna run for it." I tilted my head to listen to those people again, they were all coming from our right. I nodded towards the left. "Out here. It's not too far from the main streets, once you get there they can't go after you. Then call the cops."
"Youji! What about you?" Asuka's eyes widened in shock, and she pressed an open palm on my knee as we half knelt on the ground.
"Just go. You know I'll be alright." I adopted a more authoritative tone.
I can't let Asuka get hurt. She's mine, I'll let no one harm her. All I'll do is distract those people, make sure she gets away then I'll run, it's going to be very quick. Understand, Asuka, even if you love someone else, you"re mine. If I don't do this now and you get hurt, I'll hate myself for the rest of my life. I vowed to myself, to this tattoo, that I'll protect you even if you"re with another man. Now let me prove to you that I love you more than anyone ever can. I can prove it to you with my life.
I let her hold my gaze to let her know my determination. She gave in. "Okay."
"Good. That's my Asuka." Slip of the mouth. She just looked at me and smiled.
"Go now." I pushed myself forward to kiss her on the cheek for good luck. "Take care."
Asuka turned around and gave me a full kiss on the lips.
It was then I knew I hadn't been dreaming last night. She loves me. She does love me. Oh my God. Before we fell asleep after strawberry ice-cream and white wine, I was talking with her with my eyes closed, calling her name. That's why she came back. That's why she stayed the night. That's why she just smiled when I called her 'my Asuka". She came back to confirm her feelings. Oh my God.
Smiling, she got up and ran.
But when am I gonna learn that it'll never be me?
Car screeching. Headlights casting onto Asuka. Gunshots.
"ASUKA!"
Asuka... My Asuka! No!
When am I gonna learn that it'll never be me?
Blood spurted from her body with each crack of the gun. She fell.
No... don't hurt her... please don't hurt my Asuka. My legs lost their strength, I tried to crawl over to her, but men reached for her, lifted the bloody body, took her away from me. Don't touch her, bastards. I'm the only man to touch her. Keep your dirty hands off her. She's mine. Why are you taking her? She's mine! She's mine!
It'll never be me.
Our lives just begun. Don't take her from me. We missed each other because of poor timing, but now I know. I know she loves me. I only just knew her true feelings.
But it's too late.
A fatal wound only hurts for a brief moment;
But pain for the living lasts a lifetime.
When are you gonna learn your arm, where she bit on, will never stop hurting.
For the rest of your life.
[end]
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