Darkness Without the Light
By: Amber
Relena rose up enough to add more hot water watching the bubbles rise she tried to figure out just when it was she lost control of the conversation with her brother. She sipped her wine replaying her attempts to have Heero sent away. But Milliardo was adamant and not for the first time was Relena reminded of just how intractable the men in her life were once they settled on a course of action. Leaving her between the rock and the landslide she might have stood a chance with Milliardo alone but with Heero as well not in this century.
She sighed finishing her wine she sat it down as she leaned forward to let the stopper out. Standing she dried off before wrapping the towel around her to move in front of the mirror. She studied the image of the woman trying to see the resolution and commitment needed to see this through what she saw was exhaustion. Pulling the towel off her hair she watched it fall past her waist picking up her brush she started running it through her hair not much change on the outside but on the inside on the inside she was slowly withering away.
Suddenly weary she pushed away from the mirror padding into her bedroom she dropped the towel and walked to her vanity sitting she took her moisturizer and started her nightly ritual. Relena stood walking to her closet she pulled on a football jersey Duo had given her to sleep in one weekend while she was visiting She had liked it so much it was so comfortable like a warm blanket on a winters day so he told her she could keep it. Sighing she sunk deeper in to the covers of the bed seeking to escape if only for a little while everyone intent on taking even more pieces of her soul.
* * * *
The last few weeks had been uneventful while on L2 her life revolved around meetings. Through it all her delight and torment was her silent shadow Relena didn't know what was worse having him out there and not knowing or with her and eternally distant it reminded her of the love story about the Sun and the Moon.
She had talked to Quatre several times he had recovered from the attempt on his life and was settling back into his routine. But he missed Trowa one good thing seem to have come from the incident he and Trowa were talking about making changes as well they were tired of only having moments together. Something she could all to easily relate to she was pleased for them. She also learned from Quatre about Duo's accident he assumed she knew so she didn't tell him any different.
But it angered her that they hadn't let her know. Her friend had almost been run down and they kept that knowledge from her. This had to end things couldn't continue on like this these were her friends suffering for her... No she had come to consider them family and one thing this situation had emphasized was it was time to make those changes she had been considering.
Heero wanted no part of her it was time to end this dance they had with one another time to free him of his obligation. Milliardo needed to see the girl turned woman, and the world well the world needed to realize there is no one person to save them. Nor should there be it has to be everyone or it is a failure and in part this failure was her fault. The world didn't need her as much as she had needed them it became her family, her child, her lover and she had allowed their dependence on her. She had needed something to fill the hole in her life when Heero walked away. She stared at her reflection in the shuttle window and found she didn't like what she saw.
"Minister? Mam?" Relena shook off her thoughts and smiled politely. "Yes?"
"We'll be landing shortly so I've been instructed to tell you a car will be waiting for your convenience."
"Thank you."
The shuttle taxied to a stop and Relena stood gathering her things slowly making her way out and down the ramp. A hand grabbed her and pulled her close. "What are you doing?" Relena sighed looking up into fierce blue eyes she wished not for the first time things could be different. "I'm heading to the car Heero."
He frowned, "not without me checking it out first your not." He strode ahead his eyes taking in everything and Relena followed behind at a slower pace. He spoke to the driver and was circling the car when there was a pop and a fireball surged from the car sending flames and debris skyward. Relena was thrown backwards as the heat from the blast hit her like a wave. Pushing herself up her eyes searched frantically. "Heero!!"
Turning she screamed at the bystanders to call an ambulance to get help. The guards ran forward pulling her back when she turned and shoved them off staggering forward she circled around the patches of flame, until she found the driver's body still burning under a door she couldn't help him now. She closed her eyes and moved on until she saw him lying underneath what looked like the bumper. Relena knelt trying to lift it off him but the weight and the heat of the metal caused her to drop it. Silently apologizing to him she braced herself to endure the burning metal and pushed it off him. Lightly going over his hair her hands coasted down his body trying to see if anything was broken but gave up when the burns on her hands kept her from telling.
Leaning over him she heard the sirens getting closer lightly she searched for the pulse in his neck and sighed when she found it. Resting her head on his back she murmured. "I'm so sorry Heero, so sorry this is what I was afraid of..." She heard there voices as if coming from far away detachedly she realized she was in shock indifferently she felt hands lift her up and watched as EMT's started working on Heero. Once he was loaded she allowed the guards to take her as well and from the deepest recesses of her mind a new Relena rose up like a phoenix from the ashes and started making her plans.
Milliardo and Lucrezia met her at the hospital, after her hands were treated she went to see Heero. It seemed other than some burns, cuts and abrasions and the head trauma he would be alright with the proper rest and care. Relena had smiled then, the doctor had looked at her oddly but then the doctor didn't know Heero Yuy either. She pushed the door open and paused she felt an eerie sense of déjà vu to many of those she cared about were ending up in the hospital lately.
The room was dimly lit and she turned her head at the gently shushing sound the door made as it closed. She stepped up to the bed her eyes drifted down him mentally taking notes before her fingers lifted to brush his bangs back. She had no doubt the moment he came to he would be right back where he had been the last few weeks guarding her from harm. Bending down she brushed her lips across his then forced herself to walk away.She had opened the door when she heard him call.
"Relena?" Relena glanced back the light from the hallway casting his bed in the spotlight his eyes hazy from the medication and concussion she knew he wouldn't remember this tomorrow. "Shsssh it's only a dream Heero... only a dream."
* * * *
Relena stood up as the secretary announced her sister in law. Lucrezia walked in and smiled. "You left early this morning couldn't sleep? How are your hands?" She smiled wryly and quipped. "They hurt only when I laugh." Lucrezia smiled appreciatively and took a seat. She waited for whatever prompted Relena to go through channels instead of talking to her at the house. Relena smiled gratefully and sat down studying her thoughtfully. Lucrezia stopped smiling when she saw Relena's face take on a solemn appearance.
"We've been through allot together haven't we Lucrezia good times and bad and through it all you still have the strongest and most unwavering sense of integrity I've known. I'm counting on both. I have by passed Milliardo and went straight to you because I think you will see the benefits of my plan more objectively than he would." Noin cleared her throat huskily. "Thank you. I have a great deal of respect for you as well but I must be frank with you Relena I won't help you needlessly endanger yourself."
Relena shook her head. "It's nothing but the truth Lucrezia and I thank you for the opportunity of an objective opinion." Lucrezia nodded. "Fair enough then go on." Relena leaned forward and slid a folder across the desk. "These were special delivered to me an hour ago." Noin studied her a moment questions bubbling in her eyes before taking the folder. After a few moments of silence she looked up.
"Relena I take it Milliardo knows nothing about these either?" She shook her head and stood moving to the window she looked out. "Relena what is going on? You've been too quiet since yesterday is it Heero?" Relena turned and sat back down she nodded.
"In part. I'm going to be making a few changes Lucrezia and I want your help to do it. It's obvious that the current approach to find this individual isn't working and so far all the casualties are on our side." Lucrezia nodded warily. "Go on but just don't ask me to keep this from your brother I can't do that."
She nodded. "Of course and I don't expect you to. I plan on discussing things with him myself. But first I wanted to start the ball rolling I haven't much time Heero has left the hospital and if he runs true to form he'll be outside my door in about an hour." Noin blinked in confusion.
Relena smiled sympathetically. "Effective now Heero Yuy will return to other duties that no longer involve me I no longer require his services. If I have to become a prima-donna to get my way she shrugged fine I will the bottom line in this is all I care about."
"Relena I don't..." Her expression hardened.
"This isn't open for negotiation. Should he make an appearance here he will be refused admittance. If I have to I will have him incarcerated to enforce the bed rest I'm sure he was ordered to get. I've requested new guards they should be here shortly and should there be any doubt they answer to me and me only. You see Lucrezia I've my own sources and I called in a few favors. I've decided I don't like being left out of the loop even if it is for my own good that's for me to decide. Except for the six months after Mariemaya Heero has worked literally right here under my nose. Whose idea was it to keep that confidential?"
Lucrezia studied her compassionately. "His he felt you are too reckless where he is concerned and it was the condition for him staying so Milliardo acceded to his request."
She winced then smoothed her expression out to one of casual interest. "Thank you for the truth. Heero won't have any concerns about that any longer but that's for another time."
"Relena what is..." She shook her head and resumed talking about the stalker. "The first note I got that I made myself sick over our own light fingered Shinigami lifted off me at the Solstice ball." Relena laughed. Noin noticed it sounded forced and despairing god how could we have missed the depth of her unhappiness how could she have hid this kind of sadness for so long and that well?
"I'm guessing his light fingered-ness was for our perfect soldier I mean unless someone is threatening to blow my brains all over parliament I usually am not gifted with such august attention. Then there is the slight matter of Duo's near accident coupled with good ole Orville's tragedy."
"Relena he fell from his horse your just speculating now." Relena's eyebrow quirked skeptically. "Speculation? The man was a bore but he was an accomplished horseman and according to my findings." Relena pulled the file forward and found the line she wanted. "He was on a horse they let his nieces and nephews ride." She looked at Lucrezia piercingly. "Hell of a coincidence wouldn't you say?"
"Relena... She gasped." Relena glanced at her watch. "I don't have any more time right now I'm meeting Milliardo in five minutes. I'd like a party in two days time where you and Milliardo will convincingly find some emergency to leave and for all appearances I will be alone with the minimum guards."
"Relena she eyed her knowingly it won't work it's to obvious."
"It will work just for that reason. Look at those pictures." She shoved the folder back at Noin spilling across her desk. There were pictures of Relena at work, home going to and from, in her room and last but not least in various stages of nudity. "That's why he went after Heero he's getting impatient and more brazen. Perhaps my trip being unexpectedly extended added to the situation I don't know. What I do know is this no more deaths no more questionable accidents."
"Relena there is no way Milliardo will go for this she shook her head amazed." Relena stood. "He will or I will do it without him its quite simple Commander Peacecraft is a representative of this government I am a government official he will assist me or I will find someone who will."
"Relena she whispered don't do this.." Her expression softened a moment. "I have to Lu who will he go after next? Milliardo? You? I can't loose any more people I love I can't." Relena's expression firmed becoming resolute. "Please help me get this person. Milliardo can't see through the guilt about his past he wants to make up for it and subconsciously to do that I stay a child in his eyes. Heero can't see the woman for the symbol and I find as much as I love them I can no longer live within their expectations of who and what I am. I love them but I'm setting them free from their obligations."
"I don't think their going to see it that way Relena." She smiled sadly. "No probably not but maybe you can help them accept the way it has to be by telling them it's the last request *that* Relena will ask of them."
By: Amber
Relena rose up enough to add more hot water watching the bubbles rise she tried to figure out just when it was she lost control of the conversation with her brother. She sipped her wine replaying her attempts to have Heero sent away. But Milliardo was adamant and not for the first time was Relena reminded of just how intractable the men in her life were once they settled on a course of action. Leaving her between the rock and the landslide she might have stood a chance with Milliardo alone but with Heero as well not in this century.
She sighed finishing her wine she sat it down as she leaned forward to let the stopper out. Standing she dried off before wrapping the towel around her to move in front of the mirror. She studied the image of the woman trying to see the resolution and commitment needed to see this through what she saw was exhaustion. Pulling the towel off her hair she watched it fall past her waist picking up her brush she started running it through her hair not much change on the outside but on the inside on the inside she was slowly withering away.
Suddenly weary she pushed away from the mirror padding into her bedroom she dropped the towel and walked to her vanity sitting she took her moisturizer and started her nightly ritual. Relena stood walking to her closet she pulled on a football jersey Duo had given her to sleep in one weekend while she was visiting She had liked it so much it was so comfortable like a warm blanket on a winters day so he told her she could keep it. Sighing she sunk deeper in to the covers of the bed seeking to escape if only for a little while everyone intent on taking even more pieces of her soul.
* * * *
The last few weeks had been uneventful while on L2 her life revolved around meetings. Through it all her delight and torment was her silent shadow Relena didn't know what was worse having him out there and not knowing or with her and eternally distant it reminded her of the love story about the Sun and the Moon.
She had talked to Quatre several times he had recovered from the attempt on his life and was settling back into his routine. But he missed Trowa one good thing seem to have come from the incident he and Trowa were talking about making changes as well they were tired of only having moments together. Something she could all to easily relate to she was pleased for them. She also learned from Quatre about Duo's accident he assumed she knew so she didn't tell him any different.
But it angered her that they hadn't let her know. Her friend had almost been run down and they kept that knowledge from her. This had to end things couldn't continue on like this these were her friends suffering for her... No she had come to consider them family and one thing this situation had emphasized was it was time to make those changes she had been considering.
Heero wanted no part of her it was time to end this dance they had with one another time to free him of his obligation. Milliardo needed to see the girl turned woman, and the world well the world needed to realize there is no one person to save them. Nor should there be it has to be everyone or it is a failure and in part this failure was her fault. The world didn't need her as much as she had needed them it became her family, her child, her lover and she had allowed their dependence on her. She had needed something to fill the hole in her life when Heero walked away. She stared at her reflection in the shuttle window and found she didn't like what she saw.
"Minister? Mam?" Relena shook off her thoughts and smiled politely. "Yes?"
"We'll be landing shortly so I've been instructed to tell you a car will be waiting for your convenience."
"Thank you."
The shuttle taxied to a stop and Relena stood gathering her things slowly making her way out and down the ramp. A hand grabbed her and pulled her close. "What are you doing?" Relena sighed looking up into fierce blue eyes she wished not for the first time things could be different. "I'm heading to the car Heero."
He frowned, "not without me checking it out first your not." He strode ahead his eyes taking in everything and Relena followed behind at a slower pace. He spoke to the driver and was circling the car when there was a pop and a fireball surged from the car sending flames and debris skyward. Relena was thrown backwards as the heat from the blast hit her like a wave. Pushing herself up her eyes searched frantically. "Heero!!"
Turning she screamed at the bystanders to call an ambulance to get help. The guards ran forward pulling her back when she turned and shoved them off staggering forward she circled around the patches of flame, until she found the driver's body still burning under a door she couldn't help him now. She closed her eyes and moved on until she saw him lying underneath what looked like the bumper. Relena knelt trying to lift it off him but the weight and the heat of the metal caused her to drop it. Silently apologizing to him she braced herself to endure the burning metal and pushed it off him. Lightly going over his hair her hands coasted down his body trying to see if anything was broken but gave up when the burns on her hands kept her from telling.
Leaning over him she heard the sirens getting closer lightly she searched for the pulse in his neck and sighed when she found it. Resting her head on his back she murmured. "I'm so sorry Heero, so sorry this is what I was afraid of..." She heard there voices as if coming from far away detachedly she realized she was in shock indifferently she felt hands lift her up and watched as EMT's started working on Heero. Once he was loaded she allowed the guards to take her as well and from the deepest recesses of her mind a new Relena rose up like a phoenix from the ashes and started making her plans.
Milliardo and Lucrezia met her at the hospital, after her hands were treated she went to see Heero. It seemed other than some burns, cuts and abrasions and the head trauma he would be alright with the proper rest and care. Relena had smiled then, the doctor had looked at her oddly but then the doctor didn't know Heero Yuy either. She pushed the door open and paused she felt an eerie sense of déjà vu to many of those she cared about were ending up in the hospital lately.
The room was dimly lit and she turned her head at the gently shushing sound the door made as it closed. She stepped up to the bed her eyes drifted down him mentally taking notes before her fingers lifted to brush his bangs back. She had no doubt the moment he came to he would be right back where he had been the last few weeks guarding her from harm. Bending down she brushed her lips across his then forced herself to walk away.She had opened the door when she heard him call.
"Relena?" Relena glanced back the light from the hallway casting his bed in the spotlight his eyes hazy from the medication and concussion she knew he wouldn't remember this tomorrow. "Shsssh it's only a dream Heero... only a dream."
* * * *
Relena stood up as the secretary announced her sister in law. Lucrezia walked in and smiled. "You left early this morning couldn't sleep? How are your hands?" She smiled wryly and quipped. "They hurt only when I laugh." Lucrezia smiled appreciatively and took a seat. She waited for whatever prompted Relena to go through channels instead of talking to her at the house. Relena smiled gratefully and sat down studying her thoughtfully. Lucrezia stopped smiling when she saw Relena's face take on a solemn appearance.
"We've been through allot together haven't we Lucrezia good times and bad and through it all you still have the strongest and most unwavering sense of integrity I've known. I'm counting on both. I have by passed Milliardo and went straight to you because I think you will see the benefits of my plan more objectively than he would." Noin cleared her throat huskily. "Thank you. I have a great deal of respect for you as well but I must be frank with you Relena I won't help you needlessly endanger yourself."
Relena shook her head. "It's nothing but the truth Lucrezia and I thank you for the opportunity of an objective opinion." Lucrezia nodded. "Fair enough then go on." Relena leaned forward and slid a folder across the desk. "These were special delivered to me an hour ago." Noin studied her a moment questions bubbling in her eyes before taking the folder. After a few moments of silence she looked up.
"Relena I take it Milliardo knows nothing about these either?" She shook her head and stood moving to the window she looked out. "Relena what is going on? You've been too quiet since yesterday is it Heero?" Relena turned and sat back down she nodded.
"In part. I'm going to be making a few changes Lucrezia and I want your help to do it. It's obvious that the current approach to find this individual isn't working and so far all the casualties are on our side." Lucrezia nodded warily. "Go on but just don't ask me to keep this from your brother I can't do that."
She nodded. "Of course and I don't expect you to. I plan on discussing things with him myself. But first I wanted to start the ball rolling I haven't much time Heero has left the hospital and if he runs true to form he'll be outside my door in about an hour." Noin blinked in confusion.
Relena smiled sympathetically. "Effective now Heero Yuy will return to other duties that no longer involve me I no longer require his services. If I have to become a prima-donna to get my way she shrugged fine I will the bottom line in this is all I care about."
"Relena I don't..." Her expression hardened.
"This isn't open for negotiation. Should he make an appearance here he will be refused admittance. If I have to I will have him incarcerated to enforce the bed rest I'm sure he was ordered to get. I've requested new guards they should be here shortly and should there be any doubt they answer to me and me only. You see Lucrezia I've my own sources and I called in a few favors. I've decided I don't like being left out of the loop even if it is for my own good that's for me to decide. Except for the six months after Mariemaya Heero has worked literally right here under my nose. Whose idea was it to keep that confidential?"
Lucrezia studied her compassionately. "His he felt you are too reckless where he is concerned and it was the condition for him staying so Milliardo acceded to his request."
She winced then smoothed her expression out to one of casual interest. "Thank you for the truth. Heero won't have any concerns about that any longer but that's for another time."
"Relena what is..." She shook her head and resumed talking about the stalker. "The first note I got that I made myself sick over our own light fingered Shinigami lifted off me at the Solstice ball." Relena laughed. Noin noticed it sounded forced and despairing god how could we have missed the depth of her unhappiness how could she have hid this kind of sadness for so long and that well?
"I'm guessing his light fingered-ness was for our perfect soldier I mean unless someone is threatening to blow my brains all over parliament I usually am not gifted with such august attention. Then there is the slight matter of Duo's near accident coupled with good ole Orville's tragedy."
"Relena he fell from his horse your just speculating now." Relena's eyebrow quirked skeptically. "Speculation? The man was a bore but he was an accomplished horseman and according to my findings." Relena pulled the file forward and found the line she wanted. "He was on a horse they let his nieces and nephews ride." She looked at Lucrezia piercingly. "Hell of a coincidence wouldn't you say?"
"Relena... She gasped." Relena glanced at her watch. "I don't have any more time right now I'm meeting Milliardo in five minutes. I'd like a party in two days time where you and Milliardo will convincingly find some emergency to leave and for all appearances I will be alone with the minimum guards."
"Relena she eyed her knowingly it won't work it's to obvious."
"It will work just for that reason. Look at those pictures." She shoved the folder back at Noin spilling across her desk. There were pictures of Relena at work, home going to and from, in her room and last but not least in various stages of nudity. "That's why he went after Heero he's getting impatient and more brazen. Perhaps my trip being unexpectedly extended added to the situation I don't know. What I do know is this no more deaths no more questionable accidents."
"Relena there is no way Milliardo will go for this she shook her head amazed." Relena stood. "He will or I will do it without him its quite simple Commander Peacecraft is a representative of this government I am a government official he will assist me or I will find someone who will."
"Relena she whispered don't do this.." Her expression softened a moment. "I have to Lu who will he go after next? Milliardo? You? I can't loose any more people I love I can't." Relena's expression firmed becoming resolute. "Please help me get this person. Milliardo can't see through the guilt about his past he wants to make up for it and subconsciously to do that I stay a child in his eyes. Heero can't see the woman for the symbol and I find as much as I love them I can no longer live within their expectations of who and what I am. I love them but I'm setting them free from their obligations."
"I don't think their going to see it that way Relena." She smiled sadly. "No probably not but maybe you can help them accept the way it has to be by telling them it's the last request *that* Relena will ask of them."