Darkness Without the Light
By: Amber
He crouched on the dune staring at the settlement below he frowned oddly hesitant to approach. He couldn't quite explain his reticence to face Relena again and the more he analyzed it the less the idea appealed. Exploring the reluctance further meant taking the block off things he would rather not go into not since he started down the path of death and destruction. Maybe Zechs was right maybe he should leave her alone. Heero eyes widened at the unexpected twinge that thought brought. He had tried staying away before it didn't work. Who was he kidding? Heero smirked, no one neither Relena nor himself were fooling anyone about their feelings for each other. At least Relena was the more honest of the two. In the face of such courage how could he do any less? Heero straightened to head below this would be his toughest mission his mouth lifted slightly in what might have been a smile. Whatever the outcome neither one of them would ever be the same after this.
Relena leaned back the heat from the sun soaked deep warming her from within and out. She purposely made her mind blank refusing to think or allow for second-guessing. Drowsing she heard the silent pad of footsteps as they approached. Relena smiled ruefully before he could speak she did.
" O Rashid, just a few more minutes please..."
"Miss Relena.."
"Please .."
He sighed, "very well however its time for more of your medication."
She scrunched her nose in distaste but gave in graciously. "Alright," holding out her hand she stared at them balefully before accepting the glass of juice. "Thank you, I know I'm a trial.."
"Not at all Miss Relena, what you did was very brave and we will have you feeling better in no time at all."
She grinned, "my brother said it was very stupid so I thank you."
"Brothers sometimes have difficulty being objective when its one's sister he said humorously."
"Mmm maybe your right," she murmured drowsily. Relena shifted a tad deeper into the recliner already drifting off. Rashid smiled briefly before moving off. He returned twenty minutes later and silently watched her sleep.
" Miss Relena its time no more sun for today," he smiled wryly. It looked like once more Miss Relena would have to be taken up to bed. He bent to lift her when the skin across the back of his neck prickled, slowing he lifted his head and scanned the terrace. He saw no one but that in itself meant nothing he had lived to long and seen to much to ignore his instincts. Something was not right and the best place for Miss Relena was in her room protected. He bent once more.
"I'll take her," came a voice from the right. Rashid turned slowly if they could come upon him without even him hearing them they were formidable indeed. He turned. Seeing Heero he relaxed before bowing.
"We didn't expect you this soon." Heero moved forward, his hand lightly brushed wind teased strands of hair off her cheek before lifting her in his arms. Relena shifted restlessly. "Heero," she breathed..
"Sshhh rest," he murmured. And once more she settled into sleep her face buried in the hollow of his neck. Heero's eyes met his and Rashid nodded.
"Up the stairs Master Heero, to the right first hallway on he left the third door on the right." Heero nodded silently.
He toed the door open to her room shifting her slightly so her leg wasn't jarred. Then carried her inside and gently laid her on the bed. He watched her frown, subconsciously seeking him even within the realm of sleep. He lifted his hand and gently rubbed his thumb across the frown smoothing it out as she once more settled into sleep. He stood there a moment silently considering the possible variables of how she could respond when learning of his presence. For a moment, a flicker of panic slid through his mind disrupting his thoughts. What if she didn't need him anymore? Heero swung away abruptly but not before he caught his reflection in the mirror and stopped. He moved forward struck by the expression in his eyes, it was fear.
Then he smirked. Need? Couldn't he be honest with himself even in the confines of his mind? What he couldn't even address to himself was the thought that she might not love him.. Anymore. That he had perhaps ignored, and held her at a distance one time to many. His eyes drifted down his body a human weapon reflected back within the polished surface. He couldn't describe what was happening at first staring at himself within the mirror.. He felt things he thought he had long ago lost regret, anger, most importantly confusion on how to precede.
He had no idea where to begin giving Relena the things they both hoped and wanted from one another. If the truth were told he couldn't fathom why she would want to be with him in the first place. Somehow the idea of her finally giving up on him once and for all was the one scenario in all this that he couldn't bare to face. Distantly he watched the splintering of the mirror as it lost the battle against his fist, crumbling pieces of glass shifted and slid to the floor. Distracted he stared blankly, at the blood trickling down his fist and arm pooling in a small spot on the floor.
Heero merely blinked when he felt the smooth softness of Relena's hand cupping his then covering it with a hand towel. Heero stared down at her with a frown. " Relena, you should be getting some rest."
" I'm fine." Relena stared up at him sleepily before lifting the towel to glance worriedly at his hand. "Heero what have you done to yourself?"
She shook her head tugging on his arm. "Lets go get this cleaned up so it wont get infected."
Heero shook his head impatiently, "I need to talk to you."
She nodded at him humoring him;" of course." She attempted to guide him into the bathroom. "Relena .."
"Heero," she looked up at him pleading.. He sighed impatiently. Relena started and Heero glared as a knock on the door interrupted their conversation.
"Miss Relena.." The knocking grew more frantic as Heero pulled away and stalked to the door. Jerking it open he glared into the eyes of the servant. The man fell back eyes wide as he took in the towel now saturated with blood and fierce blue eyes glaring at him silently from above. The man hurriedly apologized.
"I'm sorry to intrude we heard a crash and became concerned."
"She's fine.."
The man bowed, "perhaps I can bring you."
"I'm fine."
"But sir your."
Heero slammed the door and stalked impatiently back to Relena. She was waiting for him right where he left her. Her stubborn courage more than a match for his ruthless dedication, he came close enough for her to reach out and touch him yet her hand hovered over his silently waiting for his permission. Heero stared at her impatient to get to the reason he had come all this way other things were secondary but he realized she wouldn't relent until he allowed her to take care of his hand nodding impatiently he allowed her to lead him into the bathroom. Relena turned on the water, taking a wash cloth she squeezed the water over the cuts and scratches gently removing the blood. He watched her curiously fascinated with the concentration she was giving to what he considered a few minor scratches.
Slowly the tension left his body under her attention and he became fascinated with the play of light on her hair, closing his eyes he tried to gather his control. He inhaled and caught the slightest trace of something familiar hazily opening his eyes he leaned in closer to Relena's hair and inhaled the delicate floral scent so much a part of her.
He took it for granted it soothed as well as stirred something.. something.. indefinable by his measure and he shifted restlessly. Relena looked up suddenly she bit her lip. "I'm sorry Heero. I'll try to be as careful as I can but I want to make sure there are no splinters left in these cuts."
He shrugged indifferently, "their just scratches Relena they will be fine." He frowned at her silently and she returned her attention to his hand. "Why did you leave like that?"
Relena stiffened stopping her ministration on his hand a moment before resuming. "It was time to move on to something that focused less on my private life and more on what I have to offer professionally."
" That's not what I meant."
She shrugged trying to effect indifference. "I didn't think you would notice I thought you would have returned to your other duties." He stared at her his eyes demanding nothing but the truth. Relena threw the washcloth in the sink and hobbled into the bedroom and headed for the balcony, pushing the doors open she looked out trying to absorb serenity of the view for her own. She heard a sound and glanced back Heero stopped in the doorway of the bathroom and leaned against the doorframe watching her.
She lifted her shoulders awkwardly, "why are you here Heero?" He moved further in the room. "I need answers," he said cryptically.
She smiled sadly, "you haven't needed anything from me before Heero why now?"
He strode forward until he was looking down into her eyes they were filled with such sadness and longing but then was there ever a time when she had gazed at him any other way. "Why didn't... he fumbled awkwardly you believe in me?"
Relena's eyes slid closed in remorse. "It was never about believing in you. There is no logic in this Heero if that's what you're trying to find. I wanted those I love safe, she whispered almost inaudibly. " So I did whatever it took you of all people should understand that philosophy."
Heero lifted her chin with his knuckle staring intently in her eyes. " I don't know anything but missions and death. When you came along .. he sighed going silent several seconds before continuing. I started gradually changing it was so subtle it became a part of me before I knew it or could analyze it."
His knuckle moved and straightened absently he slid his finger up and down the slender column of her neck. Lost in his memories, in confusion and so many conflicting emotions lost in the sensation of Relena's proximity all assaulting his resolutions. All those logical reasons that seemed necessary before suddenly became harder to remember. "I didn't understand, and I still don't so I tried to show you how I felt by keeping you safe."
His hand turned and splayed cupping her throat caressingly. "When I woke up.. his eyes narrowed burning into hers, not knowing where I was, where you were and whether you were all right or not .. your lucky all I did was beat them within an inch of their life."
His hand tightened slightly on her throat before relaxing enough to slide up to cup her jaw his thumb lightly stroking her cheek. "Don't ever do that again. It took me days to get back and when I did I heard what you did. I stood over you night after night waiting for you to wake he murmured distantly so I could kill you myself."
Relena winced she knew that deep inside hadn't she known the price for betraying him that way. He stilled waiting for her to look at him, gathering her courage she raised her eyes to his waiting for the next words that would finally condemn her in his eyes. She didn't know if she was strong enough. Could she finally give him the closure he needed to sever all the ties that bound them together? She blinked trying to focus on what he was trying to tell her.
"Don't ever do that again."
Her mouth quirked at the corner, "then stay safe Heero and so will I."
Heero absently sifted his hand in her hair then clenched his fist in her hair at her comment. "What is it you see in me, he shook his head?"
Relena lifted a trembling hand and touched his face lovingly. "My world. But don't worry Heero I know the moment I blink you'll be gone again."
Heero's head dropped and stared at the floor. "I don't know how to be what you want."
She smiled ruefully, "how do you know what I want Heero? I just want you it's all I've ever wanted."
He pulled her forward sighing he rested his forehead on hers. "I want to he whispered I can't run from you anymore it doesn't work you wind up in my thoughts all the time anyway."
Tears silently slid down her cheeks, "then decide if you can stay." He opened his mouth and she quickly lifted her fingers brushing his mouth "No. Think about this and then if you feel this is right for you come back to me. Because if we start this I will give you everything that I am but I expect everything in return."
She turned her back staring in the distance, "you see I love you Heero the girlish crush grew into love long ago but I wont respect myself if we keep playing this game where you disappear and reappear at will. And eventually you would loose respect for me as well. Everything else we can discover together, but I need the knowledge we'll see this through to the end. Whatever the end.."
She kept her back turned until she head the door that's it he's gone she slumped
dejectedly she probably killed any chance to be with him with her demands but she couldn't take the uncertainty anymore. So lost in her thoughts she jumped when she heard the click of the door locking, turning as quick as she could with her leg she gasped.
Heero came striding back. "But Heero...." His mouth quirked at the corner, "You finished?"
Relena blinked stunned as she watched him pull his shirt off and toss it into a chair before coming to her and lifting her up in his arms. Startled she grabbed for his shoulders and clung to him. "Wha??"
His gaze drifted over her softly before meeting her confused ones. He placed her gently on the bed before getting in beside her. Turning on his side, he leaned his head against his fist and watched her a moment before his lips quirked humorously. "Sleep."
" O." Relena sighed disappointed. He lifted a hand and brushed her bangs back. "We have time."
She shifted closer to his lean length relaxing completely for the first time in months.
"Promise," she murmured..
Heero's expression softened watching her fight to stay awake. "I'll watch over you while you sleep I'm not going anywhere."
Relena yawned and shifted closer against him. "I love you Heero," she whispered drowsily into his chest. He stared at a moment before softly running his fingers through her hair. "I'm counting on that I just hope you can continue to believe in me while I find my way."
Finis.... For Now
Author note:
I know some of you want to murder me right now because of the ending. But I felt this ending stayed truer to how I see Heero acting even after allowing himself to be with Relena I still see it as a work in progress but now there is Hope.. As always I hope there was something in this you enjoyed.
By: Amber
He crouched on the dune staring at the settlement below he frowned oddly hesitant to approach. He couldn't quite explain his reticence to face Relena again and the more he analyzed it the less the idea appealed. Exploring the reluctance further meant taking the block off things he would rather not go into not since he started down the path of death and destruction. Maybe Zechs was right maybe he should leave her alone. Heero eyes widened at the unexpected twinge that thought brought. He had tried staying away before it didn't work. Who was he kidding? Heero smirked, no one neither Relena nor himself were fooling anyone about their feelings for each other. At least Relena was the more honest of the two. In the face of such courage how could he do any less? Heero straightened to head below this would be his toughest mission his mouth lifted slightly in what might have been a smile. Whatever the outcome neither one of them would ever be the same after this.
Relena leaned back the heat from the sun soaked deep warming her from within and out. She purposely made her mind blank refusing to think or allow for second-guessing. Drowsing she heard the silent pad of footsteps as they approached. Relena smiled ruefully before he could speak she did.
" O Rashid, just a few more minutes please..."
"Miss Relena.."
"Please .."
He sighed, "very well however its time for more of your medication."
She scrunched her nose in distaste but gave in graciously. "Alright," holding out her hand she stared at them balefully before accepting the glass of juice. "Thank you, I know I'm a trial.."
"Not at all Miss Relena, what you did was very brave and we will have you feeling better in no time at all."
She grinned, "my brother said it was very stupid so I thank you."
"Brothers sometimes have difficulty being objective when its one's sister he said humorously."
"Mmm maybe your right," she murmured drowsily. Relena shifted a tad deeper into the recliner already drifting off. Rashid smiled briefly before moving off. He returned twenty minutes later and silently watched her sleep.
" Miss Relena its time no more sun for today," he smiled wryly. It looked like once more Miss Relena would have to be taken up to bed. He bent to lift her when the skin across the back of his neck prickled, slowing he lifted his head and scanned the terrace. He saw no one but that in itself meant nothing he had lived to long and seen to much to ignore his instincts. Something was not right and the best place for Miss Relena was in her room protected. He bent once more.
"I'll take her," came a voice from the right. Rashid turned slowly if they could come upon him without even him hearing them they were formidable indeed. He turned. Seeing Heero he relaxed before bowing.
"We didn't expect you this soon." Heero moved forward, his hand lightly brushed wind teased strands of hair off her cheek before lifting her in his arms. Relena shifted restlessly. "Heero," she breathed..
"Sshhh rest," he murmured. And once more she settled into sleep her face buried in the hollow of his neck. Heero's eyes met his and Rashid nodded.
"Up the stairs Master Heero, to the right first hallway on he left the third door on the right." Heero nodded silently.
He toed the door open to her room shifting her slightly so her leg wasn't jarred. Then carried her inside and gently laid her on the bed. He watched her frown, subconsciously seeking him even within the realm of sleep. He lifted his hand and gently rubbed his thumb across the frown smoothing it out as she once more settled into sleep. He stood there a moment silently considering the possible variables of how she could respond when learning of his presence. For a moment, a flicker of panic slid through his mind disrupting his thoughts. What if she didn't need him anymore? Heero swung away abruptly but not before he caught his reflection in the mirror and stopped. He moved forward struck by the expression in his eyes, it was fear.
Then he smirked. Need? Couldn't he be honest with himself even in the confines of his mind? What he couldn't even address to himself was the thought that she might not love him.. Anymore. That he had perhaps ignored, and held her at a distance one time to many. His eyes drifted down his body a human weapon reflected back within the polished surface. He couldn't describe what was happening at first staring at himself within the mirror.. He felt things he thought he had long ago lost regret, anger, most importantly confusion on how to precede.
He had no idea where to begin giving Relena the things they both hoped and wanted from one another. If the truth were told he couldn't fathom why she would want to be with him in the first place. Somehow the idea of her finally giving up on him once and for all was the one scenario in all this that he couldn't bare to face. Distantly he watched the splintering of the mirror as it lost the battle against his fist, crumbling pieces of glass shifted and slid to the floor. Distracted he stared blankly, at the blood trickling down his fist and arm pooling in a small spot on the floor.
Heero merely blinked when he felt the smooth softness of Relena's hand cupping his then covering it with a hand towel. Heero stared down at her with a frown. " Relena, you should be getting some rest."
" I'm fine." Relena stared up at him sleepily before lifting the towel to glance worriedly at his hand. "Heero what have you done to yourself?"
She shook her head tugging on his arm. "Lets go get this cleaned up so it wont get infected."
Heero shook his head impatiently, "I need to talk to you."
She nodded at him humoring him;" of course." She attempted to guide him into the bathroom. "Relena .."
"Heero," she looked up at him pleading.. He sighed impatiently. Relena started and Heero glared as a knock on the door interrupted their conversation.
"Miss Relena.." The knocking grew more frantic as Heero pulled away and stalked to the door. Jerking it open he glared into the eyes of the servant. The man fell back eyes wide as he took in the towel now saturated with blood and fierce blue eyes glaring at him silently from above. The man hurriedly apologized.
"I'm sorry to intrude we heard a crash and became concerned."
"She's fine.."
The man bowed, "perhaps I can bring you."
"I'm fine."
"But sir your."
Heero slammed the door and stalked impatiently back to Relena. She was waiting for him right where he left her. Her stubborn courage more than a match for his ruthless dedication, he came close enough for her to reach out and touch him yet her hand hovered over his silently waiting for his permission. Heero stared at her impatient to get to the reason he had come all this way other things were secondary but he realized she wouldn't relent until he allowed her to take care of his hand nodding impatiently he allowed her to lead him into the bathroom. Relena turned on the water, taking a wash cloth she squeezed the water over the cuts and scratches gently removing the blood. He watched her curiously fascinated with the concentration she was giving to what he considered a few minor scratches.
Slowly the tension left his body under her attention and he became fascinated with the play of light on her hair, closing his eyes he tried to gather his control. He inhaled and caught the slightest trace of something familiar hazily opening his eyes he leaned in closer to Relena's hair and inhaled the delicate floral scent so much a part of her.
He took it for granted it soothed as well as stirred something.. something.. indefinable by his measure and he shifted restlessly. Relena looked up suddenly she bit her lip. "I'm sorry Heero. I'll try to be as careful as I can but I want to make sure there are no splinters left in these cuts."
He shrugged indifferently, "their just scratches Relena they will be fine." He frowned at her silently and she returned her attention to his hand. "Why did you leave like that?"
Relena stiffened stopping her ministration on his hand a moment before resuming. "It was time to move on to something that focused less on my private life and more on what I have to offer professionally."
" That's not what I meant."
She shrugged trying to effect indifference. "I didn't think you would notice I thought you would have returned to your other duties." He stared at her his eyes demanding nothing but the truth. Relena threw the washcloth in the sink and hobbled into the bedroom and headed for the balcony, pushing the doors open she looked out trying to absorb serenity of the view for her own. She heard a sound and glanced back Heero stopped in the doorway of the bathroom and leaned against the doorframe watching her.
She lifted her shoulders awkwardly, "why are you here Heero?" He moved further in the room. "I need answers," he said cryptically.
She smiled sadly, "you haven't needed anything from me before Heero why now?"
He strode forward until he was looking down into her eyes they were filled with such sadness and longing but then was there ever a time when she had gazed at him any other way. "Why didn't... he fumbled awkwardly you believe in me?"
Relena's eyes slid closed in remorse. "It was never about believing in you. There is no logic in this Heero if that's what you're trying to find. I wanted those I love safe, she whispered almost inaudibly. " So I did whatever it took you of all people should understand that philosophy."
Heero lifted her chin with his knuckle staring intently in her eyes. " I don't know anything but missions and death. When you came along .. he sighed going silent several seconds before continuing. I started gradually changing it was so subtle it became a part of me before I knew it or could analyze it."
His knuckle moved and straightened absently he slid his finger up and down the slender column of her neck. Lost in his memories, in confusion and so many conflicting emotions lost in the sensation of Relena's proximity all assaulting his resolutions. All those logical reasons that seemed necessary before suddenly became harder to remember. "I didn't understand, and I still don't so I tried to show you how I felt by keeping you safe."
His hand turned and splayed cupping her throat caressingly. "When I woke up.. his eyes narrowed burning into hers, not knowing where I was, where you were and whether you were all right or not .. your lucky all I did was beat them within an inch of their life."
His hand tightened slightly on her throat before relaxing enough to slide up to cup her jaw his thumb lightly stroking her cheek. "Don't ever do that again. It took me days to get back and when I did I heard what you did. I stood over you night after night waiting for you to wake he murmured distantly so I could kill you myself."
Relena winced she knew that deep inside hadn't she known the price for betraying him that way. He stilled waiting for her to look at him, gathering her courage she raised her eyes to his waiting for the next words that would finally condemn her in his eyes. She didn't know if she was strong enough. Could she finally give him the closure he needed to sever all the ties that bound them together? She blinked trying to focus on what he was trying to tell her.
"Don't ever do that again."
Her mouth quirked at the corner, "then stay safe Heero and so will I."
Heero absently sifted his hand in her hair then clenched his fist in her hair at her comment. "What is it you see in me, he shook his head?"
Relena lifted a trembling hand and touched his face lovingly. "My world. But don't worry Heero I know the moment I blink you'll be gone again."
Heero's head dropped and stared at the floor. "I don't know how to be what you want."
She smiled ruefully, "how do you know what I want Heero? I just want you it's all I've ever wanted."
He pulled her forward sighing he rested his forehead on hers. "I want to he whispered I can't run from you anymore it doesn't work you wind up in my thoughts all the time anyway."
Tears silently slid down her cheeks, "then decide if you can stay." He opened his mouth and she quickly lifted her fingers brushing his mouth "No. Think about this and then if you feel this is right for you come back to me. Because if we start this I will give you everything that I am but I expect everything in return."
She turned her back staring in the distance, "you see I love you Heero the girlish crush grew into love long ago but I wont respect myself if we keep playing this game where you disappear and reappear at will. And eventually you would loose respect for me as well. Everything else we can discover together, but I need the knowledge we'll see this through to the end. Whatever the end.."
She kept her back turned until she head the door that's it he's gone she slumped
dejectedly she probably killed any chance to be with him with her demands but she couldn't take the uncertainty anymore. So lost in her thoughts she jumped when she heard the click of the door locking, turning as quick as she could with her leg she gasped.
Heero came striding back. "But Heero...." His mouth quirked at the corner, "You finished?"
Relena blinked stunned as she watched him pull his shirt off and toss it into a chair before coming to her and lifting her up in his arms. Startled she grabbed for his shoulders and clung to him. "Wha??"
His gaze drifted over her softly before meeting her confused ones. He placed her gently on the bed before getting in beside her. Turning on his side, he leaned his head against his fist and watched her a moment before his lips quirked humorously. "Sleep."
" O." Relena sighed disappointed. He lifted a hand and brushed her bangs back. "We have time."
She shifted closer to his lean length relaxing completely for the first time in months.
"Promise," she murmured..
Heero's expression softened watching her fight to stay awake. "I'll watch over you while you sleep I'm not going anywhere."
Relena yawned and shifted closer against him. "I love you Heero," she whispered drowsily into his chest. He stared at a moment before softly running his fingers through her hair. "I'm counting on that I just hope you can continue to believe in me while I find my way."
Finis.... For Now
Author note:
I know some of you want to murder me right now because of the ending. But I felt this ending stayed truer to how I see Heero acting even after allowing himself to be with Relena I still see it as a work in progress but now there is Hope.. As always I hope there was something in this you enjoyed.