**Disclaimer** Scarecrow and Mrs. King is copyrighted to Warner Brothers and Shoot the Moon Production Company. The story, however, is copyrighted to the author. This story is for entertainment purposes only and cannot be redistributed without the permission of the author.
Title: With or Without You
Author: Mary
Date Written: August/September 1999
Synopsis: Six months after their marriage, Lee and Amanda deal with the reality of their secret relationship and a conspiracy that
threatens to destroy what they have built.
Rating: PG
WITH OR WITHOUT YOU
PART TWO
"IN DARKNESS LOST"
CHAPTER FIVE
The man woke to the sound of voices coming from the other room. Groggy and disoriented, he was unable to discern his whereabouts in the darkness. He sensed that he was in a small damp room, perhaps a cellar. He appeared to be lying on a makeshift bed of sorts, his hands and feet bound with something – duct tape, he thought – holding him firmly in place. An I.V. drip was attached to his right hand.
How long had he been here? He had the memory of waking a few times before, but time had no meaning in this place. In the cloying darkness it was impossible to tell if it was day or night. It was difficult to think clearly through the painful throbbing in his head. He pushed the pain aside as he had been trained to do. He had a feeling anyway that there was more in store for him – this was just the overture.
A creaking sound somewhere to his left jolted him to attention. The crack of light coming from the open door allowed him to see more of his surroundings. He was indeed in some sort of basement.
"Well, well," a humorless voice responded. "Look who's awake and ready to talk."
The man vainly tried to place the voice – it sounded familiar, floating somewhere out there on the edges of his memory.
"He's come around, Doc," the same familiar voice called in louder tones. "Better get in here – it's show time."
From her bedroom window, Amanda watched the neighborhood children file down the street, slowly heading for school. It was as inevitable as the changing seasons or the ebb and flow of the tide. It didn't matter if the world wagged on in perfect harmony or wantonly turned people's lives into chaos. Every September, clutching new backpacks, with faces reflecting eagerness and apprehension, children everywhere began this journey. She found the ritualistic sameness oddly comforting. Her life may have been turned upside down, but this, goes on.
When Billy first informed her of Lee's death, Amanda had refused to believe it. The legendary Scarecrow had been in and out of more than his share of life and death situations and always come through just fine. After all, hadn't she even attended his 'funeral' the first year they worked together? She half expected to suddenly turn and see him standing there in her family room. But after carefully reviewing the agency reports, Billy sadly assured her that in this case there would be no happy ending.
Sighing softly, she banished these anguished thoughts to the back of her mind. She really needed to get moving – she was due back at work this morning. Even though Billy had offered her the "standard two weeks", agency policy when you lost a partner, she had opted to take only a few days. If she had been the one in that house instead of Lee, she knew that he wouldn't just sit around and feel sorry for himself. Lee would move heaven and earth to find out what had happened.
She looked away from the window and made her way across the room to her closet. Carelessly rifling through its contents, she searched for something, anything, to wear. Her fingers caught in the folds of a familiar fabric. Tears filling her eyes, she buried her face in the material of Lee's robe, searching vainly for any trace of his familiar scent. How quickly it faded, leaving no tangible reminder of the man who had filled her thoughts and her heart for the last four years.
She heard her mother rattling around in the kitchen, finishing the breakfast dishes. The boys must have already left for school. She hadn't been there for them these past few days, but Joe had been wonderful. He had stepped right in, taking care of school registration, meeting with Philip's counselor and even helping Jamie with his new photography project. Joe was supervising the construction of a small darkroom in the basement. Amanda was grateful for his help. The boys were deeply upset by Lee's death and this project had kept them occupied. She hadn't expected Jamie to share her loss so keenly. Of her two sons, Philip had been closer to Lee, sharing many of the same interests. He'd even talked about taking a film class this year in school. If he only knew what IFF really was.
These thoughts were getting her nowhere. She had been indulging her grief for too long. She couldn't do this anymore — there were no answers here, only questions and memories that caused more pain than solace. She brushed away her tears and grabbed her pink skirt and blouse. She reminded herself once again of what Lee would do in this situation and was suddenly filled with a renewed sense of purpose. She would go back to the Agency, talk to Francine, and find out for herself exactly why her husband had died. But first, she had to make one stop.
* * * * *
Amanda inserted the key in the door of Lee's D.C. apartment. As she slowly opened it, she steeled herself against the maelstrom of emotions she expected to feel. Walking into the apartment, she automatically tossed her keys on the shelf by the door. This simple action brought back their first official fight as newlyweds, when she had put his car keys in that exact spot and Lee had accused her of hiding them. Making up the next afternoon certainly made that spat worthwhile, she recalled with a smile. Her eyes once again filled with tears. Coming here was a mistake. These walls held too many memories. Since Billy had informed her that Lee had been killed in that Georgetown explosion, sometimes just getting through the day was like negotiating a minefield. She had to tread very carefully to avoid the hidden booby traps of memory that constantly threatened to explode in her face.
Amanda glanced quickly around the room. The apartment had a closed up, musty smell, as if it knew its occupant would not be returning. She didn't want to dwell on that. She was here for a specific purpose and would not allow herself get sidetracked again by her grief. Breathing deeply, she walked purposefully into the bedroom and opened the top drawer of the large chest. She felt around until her fingers closed on the small jeweler's box containing her husband's wedding band. Retrieving the ring, she held it in the palm of her hand, remembering the day she had placed it on Lee's finger. Lost in thought, she didn't hear Francine until she was right behind her.
"Don't creep up on me like that, Francine."
"How did you know it was me?"
"I could smell your perfume. French. Very expensive."
"I'll have to watch that."
Amanda turned to face her. "Would you care to explain exactly what you're doing here?"
"I could ask you the same question."
"Francine, I think we really need to talk." She led her back into the living room and sat down. Francine perched nervously on the edge of the sofa. Amanda weighed her words carefully searching for the right way to begin the conversation.
"You and I have never been what you would call friends."
"You could say that, I guess," Francine replied, staring at the carpet.
"But I always thought we were colleagues. And I think you know Lee was more than just my partner. So let's stop playing these games. I need you to tell me what you two were working on."
Francine hesitated for a moment debating the course she should take with the woman sitting stiffly beside her on the sofa. "He asked me as a special favor not to say anything to you about it."
Amanda clutched Lee's ring tightly in the palm of her hand. "Francine, this has hit me really hard. I need to get some answers if I'm ever going to accept his death."
"I didn't lie to you when I said Lee and I weren't working together," Francine said at last. "I don't know for certain what he was doing."
"But you have an idea."
"Lee got a tip that someone was funneling large sums of money through the Agency. He asked me to help him track down the dates and departments these funds came from…and I did. That was the report I handed him in the office that morning."
"Did he know what the money was being used for?"
"He suspected some sort of Black Ops scenario. Whoever was moving the funds used an odd code that didn't mesh with any of the standard ones in crypto. I have an old friend at the CIA. We go back a long way, if you get my drift. Lee asked me to sound him out, see if the code word 'Phoenix' rang any bells. When I phoned him that night at your house, I told him my friend had reason to believe there had been similar financial transactions at the CIA, and other intelligence agencies, all feeding into the same account – code named 'Phoenix'. Lee thanked me and said he'd take it from there." Francine seemed lost in thought. "He said he was going to meet with someone who could help him clear everything up. He told me to keep quiet about it and not to worry – that he knew what he was doing. I asked him not to go alone – I offered to back him up if he didn't want you involved. He thanked me again for my help and ordered me to stay out of it. That was the last thing he ever said to me – 'stay out of it'. Amanda, you can't know how many times this past week I've wished I'd never listened to him."
"You can't blame yourself, Francine. The world is full of 'what ifs'. And Lee was stubborn when he wanted to be. There was nothing you could have done."
"I should have told Billy. Even if Lee didn't want me to."
"He didn't want you to tell Mr. Melrose?"
"No. He was very clear on keeping everyone at the Agency in the dark. Including you."
"Do you still have the data you gave to Lee?"
"No. Actually, that's what I was doing here. It's probably a long shot, but I hoped he might have left a copy in his apartment. I've already come up empty at the Q-Bureau."
Amanda rose, still holding Lee's ring tightly in her hand. It would give her the strength she needed to see this through. She turned to Francine. "Then let's get to work."
'I'll finish what you started, Lee,' she thought. I promise.
CHAPTER SIX
Fearful the noise would prompt his interrogators' return the man tried to stifle his groan. He vainly attempted to shake the cobwebs from his mind and force himself to think clearly. It was impossible to tell how long these 'sessions' had been going on. Time no longer had meaning for him - past, present and future ran together in an indistinguishable blur. He was certain he hadn't told them anything. If he had, they wouldn't still be pushing him so hard.
His training had served him well so far. He banished everything from his mind, reciting his mantra over and over in his head. It blocked out everything, the drugs, the pain. He tried to keep his mind a blank. It was only now, in the spaces in between, that he allowed her to creep back into his consciousness. It seemed wrong somehow to bring even a thought of her into this place, but it appeared he was powerless to stop her from infiltrating his dreams. There were moments when he let himself believe he would see her again, hold her in his arms, smell the sweet scent of her perfume. When he was lucid enough to know better, he felt despair. At times, he could hear her faintly whispering his name; at others, the sound of her tears beat a painful rhythm in his heart.
The creaking door jolted him from his bittersweet reverie. He let her slip into the dark shadows of his unconscious mind, into a place they couldn't reach. It was time to begin again. Slowly, he recited his mantra…
Amanda stared helplessly at the pile of files spread haphazardly across her desk. As each minute passed she felt increasingly more frustrated. After reviewing the updated reports from Metro during the past week, she was discouraged to find there had been surprisingly little progress in the investigation of the Georgetown explosion that had taken Lee's life. In light of the fact that a United States Senator had also been killed in the incident, she found the lack of progress extremely odd. The police still seemed intent on chalking this up to a simple turf war between rival crime lords.
It was difficult to concentrate here in the office she had shared with her partner for the past eighteen months. People dropped by all day, ostensibly to say hello, and the conversation would invariably turn to Lee. He had become somewhat of a legend since joining the Agency more than ten years ago and everyone assured her that he would be deeply missed.
While she appreciated how much Lee's absence would be felt at the Agency, her co-workers' well meaning concern made it all the more difficult to return to her job. The hardest conversation had been with Billy. He stopped by the Q-Bureau to personally check on her. Amanda always suspected that Billy knew more about her relationship with Lee than he ever let on to either of them. She knew he was pleased that they'd found each other. After all, it was his idea to put them together all those years ago. That partnership had turned out better than any of them had expected.
Billy's concern touched her deeply. He told her kindly to take all the time she needed to acclimate herself to work again. Hesitant to pair her with a new partner right off the bat, he said they would take things one step at a time for now. He assigned her to the security detail at the upcoming trade pact conference, working primarily with Francine. She was thankful for this turn of events. It would give them both an opportunity to take a closer look at the events surrounding Lee's death without raising a flag here at work.
These thoughts were suddenly interrupted by what Lee had once jokingly referred to as "Hurricane Francine" bursting unannounced into the office. One look at her face told Amanda all she needed to know. Francine Desmond was livid.
"You won't believe what Dr. Smyth just did," she spouted furiously.
Amanda sighed. She would believe Dr. Smyth capable of just about anything.
"I just came from a meeting with Billy. Dr. Smyth has officially closed the Agency's part in the investigation of the explosions."
"He can't do that."
"He can and he has. The entire matter has been turned over to Miller at CIA." Francine ground her teeth painfully, trying to hold in her anger. "Miller, of all people - that man couldn't investigate his way out of a paper bag."
"What reason did he give?"
She looked away quickly, walking over to Lee's old desk. "Amanda, Smyth doesn't need a reason."
Amanda narrowly observed her studying the grains of wood on Lee's desk. "What aren't you telling me?"
"All right – Smyth implied that Lee might have been at the house in Georgetown that night because he was somehow involved in the explosion."
"He what?"
"Billy was livid – I've never seen him so mad. I thought he would burst a blood vessel. Especially when Dr. Smyth said the CIA could do a more thorough job because none of their operatives were implicated in the incident."
"Implicated?"
"Yes. I gather evidence has surfaced tying Senator Holstein's office to organized crime. Dr. Smyth inferred that Lee and the Senator were involved in some sort of deal that backfired."
Amanda paced the small confines of the office, inwardly seething. Dr. Smyth had never been Lee's biggest fan, but she always believed they were part of the same team. It seemed that her world had been turned upside down in more ways than one. Nothing made sense any more.
"Amanda, Lee hadn't been checking in recently or picking up his messages. Dr. Smyth implied it was because he and Holstein were up to something. Miller's department at the CIA is forming a special task force to look into the allegations."
"Mr. Melrose can't believe Lee was involved in anything dirty."
"Billy's hands were tied. He had no choice but to follow orders. Amanda, do you know any reason why Lee needed money recently?"
Amanda looked at her in surprise.
"Dr. Smyth tossed that out as a motive," Francine added in response to her look. "Lee's account showed some pretty hefty deposits…and the dates correspond to the explosions."
"Francine, Lee must have stepped on someone's toes pretty hard. They've constructed a very neat frame to discredit him."
"It doesn't help his case that no one knew what he was investigating."
"Maybe not. I think it's time we paid another visit to T.P."
* * * * *
They located T. P. Acquinas at his favorite park bench, happily feeding the pigeons. He smiled at Amanda when he saw her approach with Francine.
"Mrs. King, I wondered when you would get around to paying me a visit. I've been expecting you."
"Hello, T.P."
"How are you doing?"
"Taking it one day at a time."
T.P. Acquinas looked at the two women standing in front of him. "I suppose this isn't a social call," he said wryly. "I suppose you're here to ask about the information I gathered for Lee."
"We're trying to piece together exactly what Lee was working on," Amanda said.
"Anything you could tell us would help," Francine added.
T.P. rolled his eyes towards the sky and shook his head. He paused for a second before continuing. "Lee came to me to see if I could find the source of an unidentifiable code he'd discovered in use recently. That code word was 'Phoenix'. The name rang a bell and what I heard scared the hell out of me."
Amanda and Francine exchanged a look at T.P.'s uncharacteristic language. They both waited anxiously for him to continue.
"Lee had tracked a series of cash deposits to a top secret bank account authorized by that code. It's an old code referring to a rather ruthless group that operated under deep cover during the 50's and 60's. They dropped out of sight for a while, but that code seems to indicate they've resurfaced again right here in D.C. And believe me, they aren't anyone I'd want to tangle with alone."
Francine regarded T.P. with skepticism. "Are you saying they're somehow connected to the Agency?"
T.P. nodded affirmatively. "Yes, I think our boy stumbled onto a very dangerous, covert operation right here under our noses. Like the legendary phoenix that rises from its own ashes, this group has appeared again here in D.C." He paused and looked thoughtfully towards the horizon. "And they considered Lee a threat." He carefully took Amanda's hand in his, looking her straight in the eyes. "You need to be very careful. From what little I've heard, this is an extremely dangerous group. It's one of the reasons he kept this a secret. Lee didn't know if he could trust anyone at the Agency. And he didn't want to put either of you in danger. He told me he had to go this alone."
Amanda nodded sadly. "Thank you, T.P. I appreciate your candor."
The old antiquarian smiled. "I just hope he doesn't come back to haunt me for telling you this much."
CHAPTER SEVEN
The dark haired man descended the narrow cellar steps. His partner sat quietly on a small, hard chair, a lamp burning dimly beside him.
"It's about time," he snapped, glaring at the dark haired man in anger.
"Sorry, I had to check in before heading over here."
His partner grunted in reply.
"Everything okay?" the dark haired man inquired, indicating the locked door across from him with a nod.
"I took care of it yesterday. He won't give anyone any trouble again."
"Final instructions from Phoenix One said its 'too hot' to ignite this one. We'll have to get rid of the evidence the old fashioned way," grinned the dark haired man.
His partner smiled wanly at the cellar door. "This time, you do the honors. I got rid of the body, you can take care of cleaning up after the 'debriefing'."
The dark haired man moved reluctantly toward the door. He paused, looking over his shoulder at his partner one last time.
"What are you waiting for?" he asked sarcastically. "Go ahead – isn't it show time?"
Amanda walked into the kitchen, wearily setting down her bag of groceries. Joe was taking the boys away for the weekend and she had promised to bake a batch of cookies for them to take along. But after pushing herself to get to the grocery store coupled with the frustrations of the past week at work, she just couldn't summon the energy. She and Francine kept running into one obstacle after another in their investigation. Forced into secrecy by Dr. Smyth's edict, the few leads they had seemed to go nowhere. And it looked like the better part of next week would be spent on security arrangements for the upcoming trade pact negotiations. At least it was Friday. She could use a couple of days to regroup before returning to the Agency and the myriad of unanswered questions that waited there.
Amanda rubbed her eyes and concentrated on the task at hand. Joe and the boys loved her chocolate chip cookies and she didn't want to disappoint them, but she was gut-wrenchingly tired. Without Lee, every step she took felt like she was trudging uphill with a fifty-pound pack on her back. She wanted only to close her eyes and sleep for six months – anything to stop the terrible feeling of emptiness that haunted her days and nights. Abandoning her cookie dough, she plopped herself down at the table and rested her head in her hands.
Dotty found her sitting and staring aimlessly into space when she came in from the backyard. She observed her daughter with concern. She couldn't remember ever seeing her so despondent, not even after her divorce.
"Amanda, are you all right, darling?"
"What, Mother?"
Dotty sat beside her at the kitchen table. "You've really got to try and pull yourself out of this, dear. You know Lee would want you to go on with your life."
Amanda covered her face with her hands, letting her tears fall unheeded. "How do I do that, Mother? Tell me, because I haven't got a clue here."
Dotty put her arms lovingly around her daughter. "Oh, Amanda, darling, I know how you feel. When your father died I felt like my life was over. But I couldn't stop living. I had a daughter who needed me. I had to go on."
"It's just so hard. Everywhere I look, I bump into memories. Here, at work…"
"Why don't you go with Joe and the boys this weekend? You know Joe asked you to and the boys would love it. They have that nice little cabin in the mountains. I think a change of scenery might do you good."
"I don't think so, Mother. I have work I need to do, I promised Jamie I'd pick up the materials for his photography project…"
"That's nothing that can't wait, Amanda King. Besides, Jamie will be at the cabin — he won't have time to work on that this weekend. Go, darling. It'll do you good."
"Go where?" Jamie asked, coming into the kitchen and heading to the refrigerator.
"I'm trying to persuade your mother to go along with you guys for the weekend."
"Mom, that'd be great. Come with us – we'll have a good time," Jamie pleaded, looking happier than he had in a long while.
Amanda wavered. Spending the weekend in a cabin with her ex-husband was the last thing she wanted to do. She wanted to be alone to relive in her mind all the things she'd shared with Lee in the past five years.
Philip ran into the kitchen with Joe following close on his heels. "Dad's here, he says we can leave early if you're ready to go." He nudged his brother playfully.
"Come on, Mom, please go," Jamie begged. He turned to his father. "Dad, tell Mom she should come with us this weekend."
"I can't force her, Jamie. But you know we'd all love you to go, sweetheart." Joe looked at Amanda in anticipation.
"Yeah, Mom, it'll be fun," Philip joined in.
Amanda looked at the faces staring at her with different levels of expectation. Maybe she should get out of here for a while. Maybe her mother was right – going away might give her a fresh perspective on her problems.
She sighed in resignation. "Okay, if you all insist. Just give me a few minutes to throw something in a bag."
"We'll be ready when you are," Joe answered happily. "Come on, boys, let's get the car packed."
* * * * *
"It's really beautiful up here, Joe." Amanda looked out over the treetops. "It's so peaceful."
"Yeah, a friend of mine was out of the country, and he loaned me the key to his cabin."
Amanda tried to block out the familiar voice in the back of her mind that said, "Crump's in Argentina, he gave me the key to his cabin." Suddenly, instead of the pine trees, all she could see was Lee's face smiling at her from across the restaurant table. She pulled herself back to the present with an effort.
"I'm sorry, what were you saying?"
"I said I thought this would be better than camping," Joe replied. "We don't have to 'rough it' as much."
Amanda smiled and walked over to the couch, sinking down into its cushions. She leaned back and stared into the flames of the dying fire. Earlier that evening, the boys had roasted marshmallows and made 's'mores'. It took her back to their Junior Traiblazer days – no ghosts there, only happy memories.
Joe walked over and sat down. He tentatively put one hand on hers. "This is nice, isn't it?"
"What is?"
"Being together like this with the boys. It's nice to feel like a family."
Amanda shook off his hand and abruptly moved back to the window. How had she let herself get talked into this? The last thing she needed right now was a trip down memory lane with Joe.
Oblivious to her turmoil, Joe crossed the room and came up behind her and placed both hands on her shoulders. "I've thought for so long how great it would be for the four of us to be together."
Amanda reacted as if she had been stung. "What do you think you're doing?"
The look on her face caught him off guard and he stepped back from her, reeling. "Amanda, you must know how I feel about you…about us. I thought it was obvious. I know you need a little more time to get over Lee's death, but I want to be there for you. I want to help you through this the way you helped me when Carrie and I broke up. I want us to move forward - together."
Amanda paced back and forth, trying to keep her temper in check. Suddenly, it was all too much to hold inside – the aching loneliness she felt at the thought of never seeing Lee again, her inability to fit together any of the pieces of the puzzle surrounding his death, and the lies and evasions of the past year. Like an erupting volcano, she vented all of her pent up frustrations on Joe.
"You want us to be a family? That's what you want, Joe?" she demanded hotly. "Where were you when that's what I wanted? Where were you when the boys were little and needed their father? I'll tell you where — doing what you wanted to do, traipsing all over the globe. I know, it was important work – well, so was your family. I raised those two boys alone and I never reproached you for not being there. Maybe it's time you faced up to a few truths."
Flattened by the full force of her hostility, Joe simply stared. Her voice began to rise, as she was unable to stop the words from spilling out.
"You know, you left us all alone to chase whatever it was that was so important to you – then you waltz back into our lives and expect everything to be here waiting for you. And you have the nerve to tell me that I'm 'not the woman you left behind'. Well, you know, you're right. Did you ever stop to think why?"
"Amanda, please, lower your voice. You'll wake up the boys."
Amanda ignored Joe's pleas and continued her diatribe. "Lee was the reason I changed. When I met him, my whole world expanded. He believed in me, treated me like an equal. He didn't expect me to make my needs secondary to his. We were partners as well as lovers. And you think that's something I can just 'get over'? Well, think again."
"Mom, Dad – please don't," Jamie yelled from the bedroom door.
Amanda stopped abruptly, as if she'd been doused with cold water. Joe turned towards his son with an anguished look. "I'm sorry we woke you, Jamie. Your mom's just upset. We didn't mean to raise our voices."
"Speak for yourself," Amanda said under her breath. She walked over to Jamie and hugged him.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart. Your father and I need to discuss a few things. Why don't you let us finish and then I'll come in and we can talk? Is your brother asleep?"
"Yeah," Jamie mumbled, unwilling to meet her gaze.
For once, Amanda was thankful for Philip's ability to sleep through anything. She hugged Jamie once again. "Just give me a few minutes and then I'll be in, I promise."
Giving Joe and Amanda a sidewise glance, Jamie reluctantly turned to go back into the bedroom.
"You know I love you, Jamie," Amanda reassured him.
"We both do," Joe added.
She suddenly felt totally spent. She headed over to the couch and sat down, fighting the feeling of total exhaustion that threatened to overwhelm her. She buried her face in her hands.
Joe, too, looked worn out. He sank into the couch with a weary sigh.
"I'm sorry, Amanda. I had no idea you felt all this resentment. Everything seemed fine between us when I came back from Africa."
"It just seemed pointless to bring it up then. It really didn't matter anymore - it all belonged to the past. I didn't want to go there. I just wanted to live in the present and look to the future. Lee was there."
Joe turned to her, a look of confusion on his face. "I don't understand. I thought you met Lee when he when he helped us with that problem I had in Estocia."
She smiled weakly. "Let me tell you a little story, Joe. A story about a man in a red hat."
* * * * *
Joe fell back against the ample cushions of the sofa, stunned. "Amanda, I am so sorry. I had no idea, no idea at all." He tenderly squeezed her hand, offering what little support he could. "I thought you and Lee were just…a passing fancy. If I had only known, I would never have…" he paused uncomfortably. "I've been such a fool. If there's anything I can do, just ask."
"Actually, it feels good to finally be able to talk about this to someone."
"And no one knows you were married? Not even at the Agency?"
"No. We thought it was better, for now, if it stayed a secret. A 'mystery marriage' Lee called it. We thought it would keep everyone safe." Amanda stifled a sob. "It's just that it was so much harder than we thought - and it looks like Jamie's paid the price for our secrecy." Amanda rubbed her temples absently with one hand, trying to sort through the shambles of her life. "Just before he was killed, Lee told me he didn't want to keep the secret anymore. I guess hindsight really is 20/20--how I wish now that I'd listened to him."
At this, she broke down, at last allowing herself to really cry. Joe simply sat beside her, one arm around her shoulder, waiting patiently for her to finish. Finally, she stood up, wiping away her tears. "Thank you, Joe. That felt good."
"I'm glad I could do something right tonight." He smiled sheepishly. "Why don't you try and get a little sleep? I'll talk to Jamie – it's the least I can do. I'm partly responsible for the way he's feeling. I let him think…"
Amanda looked at Joe sadly. He refused to meet her gaze, but instead stared into the dying embers of the fire. "You can deal with all this in the morning. One thing about your problems," he added to himself. "They'll still be there tomorrow."
Amanda returned a bitter smile. "I think I'll take you up on that... thanks."
CHAPTER EIGHT
The dark haired man and his partner gathered the last of their tools and checked the damp cellar one last time. They needed to make certain there were no traces remaining to testify to the events that had transpired over the past ten days.
"Everything set?" his partner asked.
"Yeah – let's clear out for good."
"Did you take care of the last of it?"
"No one's gonna know what went on here. After we stash this, we can have the rest of the weekend for a little 'R & R'."
"Do you want me to do it or do you want the honors?" his partner asked with a sneer.
"Let's flip for it," the dark haired man replied ghoulishly. He took a coin from his pocket. "Call it."
As the coin flew into the air, his partner yelled, "Tails."
The dark haired let out a sinister chuckle. "Heads. Looks like I win again."
"All right, I'll dump it. I take care of all the dirty work."
The sun came up in the East with an explosion of color. Amanda sat sipping her coffee and admiring the view. It seemed that the old adage was true - the truth really was cleansing to the soul. Telling Joe last night about her relationship with Lee had given her the first peace she had known since Billy came knocking at her door almost two weeks ago. When Jamie came out of his room a few minutes later, he found his mother with a trace of a smile on her lips for the first time in a long while.
"Hi, Mom," he whispered, not wanting to wake anyone else. It was still very early.
Amanda turned towards her youngest son, a smile spreading across her face. "Hi, yourself. Did you sleep well?"
"Okay. Dad came in and talked to me last night. He said you were tired."
"I was – but I feel better this morning. How about we go for a walk, just the two of us?"
Jamie returned her smile. "Okay."
* * * * *
Mother and son hiked silently together through the woods. The air was cool, a typical September morning, promising warmth later in the day. Amanda eyed Jamie carefully in the early morning light.
"Jamie, I know something's been bothering you lately – all summer, in fact. I think it would help if we talked about it."
"I guess." Jamie shrugged his shoulders, reluctant to begin.
"You know, your Dad really helped me a lot last night."
"It sounded like you were fighting to me."
Amanda chose her words carefully. "You know both of us love you very much. Whatever problems we had when we were married had nothing to do with you or your brother. They were our problems, Jamie. We just needed to get a few things straight between us."
Jamie hesitated for a minute. "I kinda hoped you would get back together."
Amanda put her arm around him and hugged him tightly. "Jamie, I love your father, I'll always love him. When I look at you and Philip, I'll always be glad I met your Dad. But I don't love him in the way you should love the person you marry. Can you understand that?"
Jamie nodded wisely. "Yeah, you don't love him the way you loved Lee."
"No, I don't. I loved Lee very much. I miss him – I'm gonna miss him for a long time. I'm just glad I have you and Philip to help me."
They continued to walk in companionable silence. After a while, Jamie said in a small voice, "It's all my fault."
"What is?"
"I wanted you and Dad to get back together. I heard him and Carrie arguing. Carrie said he was still in love with you and that's why she wouldn't marry him." Jamie paused for a minute, absently peeling the bark from a tall tree. "When they broke up, I thought you'd get back together if Lee wasn't around. I wished he wasn't. And then…"
Amanda pulled Jamie close, resting her chin on his head. "You didn't cause Lee's death by wishing, Jamie. It was an accident. I just wish you'd talked to me about what you were feeling." Amanda tousled his hair affectionately. "And we should have been honest," she murmured to herself. Turning to Jamie, she said aloud, "Lee and I should have talked to you about our feelings. I'm sorry we didn't. I hope you can forgive me."
Jamie put his arms around his mother. "I love you, Mom. I want you to be happy. I guess partly I was just jealous."
"Jealous of what?"
"I know I'm not good at sports like Philip. He always gets along with everyone and he's so popular at school."
"Don't waste time wishing you were like your brother. Be just who you are – Jamie King, who likes books and photography and who always cares about what I'm feeling. No one wants or expects you to be anyone else."
Jamie looked down at the ground doubtfully. Amanda turned his face back up to hers. "Who gave you your first camera, Jamie?"
"Lee did."
"He didn't expect you to be like Philip. He told me how glad he was that you loved to take pictures with the camera he'd given you."
"We had a good time on the Fourth of July at Rock Creek Park. I took all those shots of the people in the park that day. There's one I'm using for the contest at school."
"That would have made Lee really happy," she replied wistfully.
Now it was Jamie's turn to comfort his mother and he put his arm around her. "I love you, Mom."
Amanda hugged him back. "Then we're okay?"
He nodded.
"Then lets get back and get some breakfast. I'm starving."
* * * * *
It was late Sunday evening when they pulled into Amanda's driveway. Philip and Jamie helped Joe unload the car, while Amanda headed for the house. She wanted only to escape upstairs, soak in a hot tub and crawl into bed. It had been an exhausting but rewarding weekend. She smiled to herself, knowing that her talk with Jamie had at least begun to build the bridges he needed to come to terms with the world and his place in it. She and Joe would both be there to help him. She just needed to make sure she kept the lines defining their relationship distinctly drawn in the future.
"All done," Joe said, coming into the den with the Philip and Jamie.
Amanda galvanized them all into action. "All right, boys, say goodnight to your dad and get upstairs and hit the showers. You brought home a ton of dirt."
They complied with a minimum of coaxing. "Night, Dad – we had a great time," Philip said.
"Yeah," added Jamie with a shy smile for his mother.
Amanda turned to Joe with a friendly pat on the shoulder. "Thank you, Joe, for everything."
"No, Amanda, I'm the one who should be thanking you. You gave me a lot to think about. I've handled things with Jamie badly. I knew what he was hoping for and I let him believe…"
"It's okay. We both made mistakes. He'll be all right. I think he understands things better now."
"If there's anything I can do for you, please let me know. I really mean it."
"I know you do, and thanks. Just talking this weekend helped."
"I guess we should have had that conversation a long time ago."
Amanda walked him to the door in silence, her arm linked with his. Kissing him on the cheek, she said quietly, "Don't make the same mistake I did, Joe. If you still feel anything for Carrie, don't waste your chances. Talk to her. You never know what's around the corner."
Joe smiled sadly at her. "We'll see. Goodnight."
"Goodnight, sweetheart."
With a brief wave goodbye, Amanda closed the door and headed for the kitchen. Her mother descended the stairs, following her, looking for some milk.
"Amanda, the boys are up there with mud all over the bathroom. I think they brought home half the mountain."
"They had a good time, Mother."
"And you?" Dotty probed. "You seem different."
"I am. I'm glad I went with them. It helped to clarify a lot of things."
"Would you care to share them with your mother?"
"Maybe tomorrow. Right now, I just want to soak in a hot tub."
Dotty hugged her daughter, relieved to see her in better spirits. "Goodnight, darling. Take this milk up with you – it'll help you sleep."
Amanda took the glass from Dotty and turned to leave. She was almost to the stairs when Dotty called out, "Oh, Amanda, I almost forgot, you have a package. It's on the shelf in the den."
"In the den?"
"Yes. It must be some sort of Halloween present," her mother rattled on. "Although Halloween's over a month away. Why would anyone send you a scarecrow, Amanda?"
The glass slipped from her fingers, crashing on the hard wood floor.
"Don't move," Dotty ordered. "There's glass everywhere. I'll get something to clean it up."
"Mother," she replied in a strangled voice. "When did that package come?"
"This morning, by special messenger."
Amanda walked over to the shelf in a trance. She clutched the small ceramic scarecrow hotly in her hand. "Was there a card?" she asked in a halting voice. "Did the messenger say who it was from?"
"That's the strangest part. I'd almost forgotten. I'm supposed to tell you it's from the man in the red hat."
To be continued…