Scary Story: That's PIMP, totally PIMP man!
By: THE one and ONLY Elle
HOE, was the last word uttered from her pale lips, well Fujin's that is. It seemed that a whole bunch of weird freaky clichéd garbage was going on and because of that nobody had a clue. There were weird spoofs on psycho, choose your own adventure stories, ghosts, murder and masked weirdo's along with FF8 characters and Pepsi. SO since these take so long I always offer a nice recap. Irvine and the ladies are up stairs while Seifer meets up with Crazed weirdo/crazed wacko who will kill you…and make you dead…and slice you up…and fry you…and eat you…and digest you…and then poop you out…sor- sorry…
Seifer (staring at himself in the mirror): I look so hot that I think I'm gonna burn a whole through the floor, m'm m'm, I should charge people to look at me I'm such a sexy thing. I don't know how Quistis can't keep her hands off of me…
He turns around when he hears a knock on the door and Zell enters jumping around madly and crossing his legs.
Zell: Are you ready YET???
Seifer: Calm down chicken shit the Christina Ugulara picture is waiting for you I just have to find a way to suppress my sexiness so Quistis wont jump me there!
Zell: No, actually I was looking for the Booby Spears one, you know the one from the MTV video awards, OMG I could split her in two!
Suddenly there is another knock on the door and Selphie enters.
Selphie: Did I just hear someone say Booby Spears!? OMG she has soooooo much talent, she's my idol I wanna be just like her when I grow up!
Seifer: And that will happen…
Then there's another knock and Squall comes in.
Squall: ….
Seifer: Oh great the party just couldn't be complete without Squall.
Zell: WHOA! There's a party, where?!
Selphie: I wanna come too!
Seifer sighs at how stupid they are, but at the same time forgets how much money he could make off them by selling them off as teen actors.
Seifer: There is no party dumb ass.
Selphie: OR do you just wanna exclude us like always!
Another knock comes at the door and Fujin and Raijin come in.
Raijin: Fujin has to uh, to uh (she kicks him) go to the lil girl's room, ya know!
Fujin: OUT!
Seifer: NO, I'm not done yet and it always smells funny after you use it so I'm not getting out!
Selphie noticing that people are arguing so she must fix that and make things happy again: WHY don't' we play Bloody Marry!
Zell shaking: But Bloody Marry will get me…
Squall (under his breath): Not if I kill you first…
Fujin: WHAT?
Raijin: Yo let's play ya know!
Selphie: Okay I'll start, and if Pig shit wants to get out of here he'll have to do it now!
Zell: That's CHICKEN WUSS to you!
Seifer: We'll only warn you once Pig Shit.
Selphie turns off the light and locks the door before Zell can get out and chants bloody Marry spinning around in her best ghost chanting way. Something appears on the mirror…
I will kill you all…
And make you dead…
And slice you up…
And fry you…
And eat you…
And digest you…
And then poop you out…sor- sorry…
Zell (jumping into Seifer's arms): AHHHHH, EKKS SAVE ME YOU BIG STRONG MAN!
Selphie: OMG that is like so over done!
Seifer (dropping Zell of course): Ahhh Quistis is so sweet…
Raijin: WTF man, what is sweet about her going to kill us all!?
Squall: Or the fact that she has nothing with this and there actually is a crazed phyco out to kill us all.
Seifer: Oh yeah and this is one of those teen movies, wow I guess we know who the commander is around here…
* * * *
Meanwhile Irvine was looking over his "treasure" a.k.a. Mr. Gill's pants, pocket watch, a key, note, and gun and assorted items. He had them spread out on a bed; Quistis and Rinoa were in the other room.
Irvine (drooling): Ahhhh, sweet "treasure," oooo what's this my pick pockety hands have fond? A key, a key to what and a note, a note about what?
Irvine ponders all this for a while, I mean come on a note, and whatever could a note and key infer?
Ten minutes later…
Irvine (looking exhausted and sweating): Eureka!
Rinoa and Quistis come running in.
Rinoa: WOW a key, a key to what, a note, and a note about what?
Quistis: Oh brother…
Irvine: I think-I think I know who the killer is!
Just then as Irvine is about to reveal whom the killer is the masked weirdo runs in and kills him L
Quistis: Well that wasn't really funny.
Rinoa (picking up Irvine's head): Can I have his hat?
Quistis: Of course not give me that, that's icky! (Quistis quickly deposits Irvine's body in the bathroom.)
Rinoa: Hyne, you're like no fun!
Quistis: Yeah, well you have no brain!
Rinoa: Oh well…at least I'm gonna live…
Quistis: What?
Rinoa: I'm a virgin…and you're not.
Quistis (trying to contain her laughter): My ass!
Rinoa: Seriously, it has to be an act nobody is that boring and pure.
Quistis: Hey where did the key and note go?!
* * * *
In a dark room, in a dark castle thing, lit with blood red candles- was where Seifer found himself. He smelled waaaaay too strong of after-shave and Selphie had brought her trusty camera along to document the whole thing.
Selphie: OMG I can't believe my 'lil Seifer is alllllll grown up!
Seifer (checking himself out in the silverware): First off shrimp I'm not YOUR Seifer, second off get that thing away from me!
Squall: Are you sure you should be doing this?
Raijin: Though psychos are kinda kinky ya know in that homicidal way ya know J
Seifer: Sorry Squall we're just not meant to be I have to start my new life with Quistis!
Zell: But, that's not what-
Seifer: Shut your damn mouth Chicken-Shit!
Selphie (trying to put the camera on the tripod): EEEEEE! I wish Irvy were here he would help me!
Fujin: DITZ!
Seifer: Who knows, Mr. Hick could be dead by now…
::Scary Music plays::
Selphie: Well, well, well, well, well, well (stuttering) Quistis could be dead!
Fujin: YES!
Squall: And Rinoa could be dead too, but you don't see me dancing for joy now do you?
Seifer: That's enough! Everyone out!
Raijin: Well someone's PNSing!
Fujin: WHAT?
Raijin: Pre Nookie Syndrome, ya know!
* * * *
Rinoa: Oh here's the note! Dear Ms. Sexy Bitch, EEE! I think it's talking about me!
Quistis: Give me that!
Dear Ms. Sexy Bitch,
You have…THE…most loveliest blondish-red-yellow hair I have ever seen…and the prettiest sparkling blue ocean sky clearest eyes…like ever! I wish I could…split you in half!!!! Mm …mm and that…ASS, EEEE baby got…BACK! PLEASE be mine! I MADE A SHRINE OF FANTASY TO YOU!!!!!!!11 I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED…U!
-some one crazy for…YOU!-
A.k.a. one of the crazy psychos/masked weirdo's
PS I…HATE RINOA THE WHORE!!!!!1
Rinoa (checking her hair): Bu-But I kinda have blonde hair and bluish eyes!
Quistis: Or…not! But, we better find out who this asshole is in Taebo double time! ALL MALE PIGS SHALL DIE!!!!!!!!!!!! Here Rinoa help me into this bunny costume, don't forget the bow tie ^_~ Hahaha this will get him good!
Rinoa: Wow you must really be a virgin!
Quistis (wearing her bunny costume, ears, bowtie, little black outfit, everything): Come, trusty whore sidekick we must save the day!
Rinoa: But don't I get a bunny costume?
* * * *
Selphie (sticking her head to the closed door): It's not fair! That's MY 'lil Seifer in there! Who knows what she has…
Raijin: Ya, it's a sad thing ya know. PNS claims the best of them, ya know.
(He cries)
Fujin: OKAY?
Raijin: Yeah, ya know I'm okay just give me a minute (he runs off.)
Zell (crying also): I bet he doesn't even remember last summer…
Fujin: WHAT?!
Zell: It was dark I was young…
Quistis (arriving in full costume): Hello, good, clean, moral, Hyne people! I trust you can show me where a certain pervert who wrote this is?
Everyone stares at her.
Selphie: WOW that is SUPER CUTE!
Zell (tongue on ground): That's PIMP man! Look at that that's PIMP!!! Move over Booby Spears!
Fujin: WHORE!
Rinoa: That's what I thought!
Squall: ……
Rinoa: Don't ask me, I'm just trusty whore sidekick.
Quistis: Though it appears that I am nothing more than your run-of-the-mill-two-cent-whore, I am actually part of WAM, women-against-men. This costume is just has adverse effects on men-perfect for my job because all perverts should die.
Squall: Well there is definitely a pervert in there.
Quistis: Thanks Commander you're one in a million! Come, trusty whore sidekick!
Rinoa: If you call me that one more time-
* * * *
The candles had been blown out when Quistis entered the dark room with her trusty whore sidekick. It was dark-too dark for her liking. Suddenly she heard a scream!
Rinoa: AHHHHHHHH green checker curtains with yellow walls!!!!!!!!
Quistis sighed and continued to walk around the dark room. Suddenly she tripped on something and fell over. She took out her trusty flashlight finally remembering that she had one and shined it on the thing she had tripped on-it was Seifer lying on his back, eyes shut like he was dead or something.
Quistis (cradling his body in her lap): NO! You poor thing, look what has happened to you! You're dead, just because of my coldness, my shyness and pride. I killed you! You could be alive, right now, you poor mistaken angel. Hyne! What can I do, someone help me!
Seifer smiled at this and enjoyed something that would never happen again probably.
So while Quistis cried and hugged and kissed what she thought was Seifer's dead body no one could here the scream outside…
* * * *
Spoliers: So who's scream was it? Well you'll have to find out next time!
Author's note: Sorry this took so long and thanks to Nike Grrrrl for Bobby Spears and Christina Ugulara bits and loving this crazy stuff!
Disclaimer: Playboy bunnies belong to a dirty old man-not me. FF8 belongs to Square so long live Square-not playboy though because ewwwies.