Disclaimer: Mark nor his angst belongs to me. Neither does anyone else mentioned in this story.
Wednesday
I wake up quickly. My eyes open wide. I had been dreaming. It seems vaguely fresh but the memories of the details are gone. I have no idea the time, so I climb out of bed and search for a clock. My eyes focus in on a digital alarm clock left behind by Benny. 5:47 – way too early, but now I am quite awake.
I shower, dress, and grab my camera and leave. I ignore the null ache in my body, it must be lack of sleep. The sun is beginning to peak over the buildings and the sky glows around the high-rises of mid-town in the distance. I begin filming letting my camera be my guide. It is only when my battery dies that I begin to think about the past few days. Benny, Collins, Maureen are gone. Roger is essentially gone. Never in my life have been alone. I begin to realize that the feeling I have been carrying all day is loneliness. There is no one for me. No one to share this piece of film with, no one to tell about my day to.
I have to find Roger. Perhaps if he sees the desperation in my eyes he will come home. I sit down on a bench and begin to strategize. I have to get Roger home. I know the best time to approach him is when he first wakes up, when he is, for lack of better terms, clear minded. Also, I have to get him away from April. He will never concede to coming home in front of her. I decide my best bet is to show up and drag him to breakfast. If April is still sleeping and I explain to him that I really need to talk, I'm sure he will be willing to come with me.
I start walking to April's place. Perhaps it is a little early, but I am anxious. I have been there a few times before, back when they first started dating and the animosity had to be established. I didn't like her from the start though. Yes she was beautiful and sexy, but I knew she partied hard and had been for a long time. She was possessive of Roger from the beginning, but he fell for her.
April's apartment is above a bar, very convenient for her. I don't know how many people actually live there, but I have never seen the same person there twice. I walk past the homeless and junkies are trying to sleep away their memories of last night. I get to her building and begin the ascent up the stairwell, afraid the old boards are going to snap under my feet. The door is slightly open, but I still knock softly. When no one responds I enter the apartment.
The smell hits me first, a foul combination of beer, urine, and throw up. I cough as I try and to control my gag reflex. People are strewn all over. I stumble my way into the small apartment looking at all the nameless, passed out faces for Rogers. I don't see him. Trash is everywhere, beer cans, cigarette packs, needles. Wait, needles? Heroin? I take another look around at the people sleeping in the room. Most are sunken and shallow and reminiscent of the junkies on the street. Is this the kind of people Roger is hanging out with?
I make it back to the bedroom and sure enough Roger and April are sleeping, wrapped in each other arms. I tap Roger and try to wake him. He hardly stirs. "Roger," I whisper. "Roger, wake up."
He rolls over and faces me. "Mark? What are you doing here?"
"I need to talk to you. Will you come to breakfast with me?" He doesn't open his eyes. He just shakes his head.
"Mark, what? I'm sleeping."
"Roger, come on, I want to talk, but not here." I grab his arm to pull him up and that is when I see them. All over his arm. All over both arms. Track marks. I quickly pull my hand away.
"Mark, shit, I can explain." I shake my head and turn around, he follows me out into the stairwell. "Mark, wait!" He reaches out to stop me.
"No! Leave me alone, Roger!"
"Mark, listen to me, please!" I shake my head, but I stand there. "It is only a few times. I swear."
"You can't sugarcoat this one. You can not explain it away and tell me you are just having fun. It is right here!" I grab one of his arms. "Why?"
At first he doesn't respond. "Because if feels fucking amazing." The answer is not what I want to hear.
"This is all April's doing, isn't it? She is the one who got you into it."
"Mark, leave April out of this." His voice begins to rise. "She didn't force me to do anything I didn't want to do. I can stop anytime."
"Stop now, and come back to the loft. For good."
"No." He voice is almost regretful. "I can't leave April. She needs me."
"I don't want to do this Roger. But you need to choose, this life or me. I won't watch you downward spiral anymore."
"Easy. Decision is made." He turns around and leaves me alone in the stairwell.
A few hours later, I sit on a folding chair in the loft. My camera close to my chest. I pan the empty loft, letting my camera focus in on the bare walls and floors. Unbelievable that a few days ago, these rooms were occupied and vivacious with a family, my family, a group of friends that loved and cared about each other. Now, I sit on a folding chair alone.