Disclaimer: Mark and Roger do not belong to me and they should probably thank their lucky stars for that!
Thursday
Make no mistakes; I am not going over there to apologize. I'm going over there to explain. I need to explain to Mark and I know I will have to explain to Maureen and Collins. I can only assume Mark filled them in on what happened yesterday. I have a pretty good idea of what will happen when I walk into the loft. Mark will be sulking with his camera, Maureen will take one look at me, vocalize her disgust and leave the room and Collins, Collins will look at me with pure disappointment in his eyes. I am regretting that look.
I move down the street casually, in no great hurry. I am savoring one of my last cigarettes, because I am broke and I don't know when I'm going to get any more money. The band broke up last month, news I haven't shared with Mark and the others. They would want to know why and I couldn't explain without telling them anything. I didn't want to tell them that I missed practices because I was wasted, or that I showed up to a gig so fucked up I could barely hold my guitar, let alone play it.
As I turn the corner onto the last block, I slow down my pace. I don't know what I am going to say to them. I just need them, especially Mark, to understand why I'm staying with April. Why I didn't leave with him, because I really wanted to go with him yesterday. I wanted to walk out on April and the whole scene, but I couldn't. I've convinced myself it's because of April. She has had a tough life and I am the only one who really cares for her. And I do. I don't care about many people; I mean really care, like jump in front of a bus to save them care, just Mark, Collins and April. If I left April she would be alone. I know Mark and Collins have each other and Maureen too. But there is another reason I went back inside the apartment. A reason that I cannot admit to or let myself think about, heroin.
The look on Mark's face yesterday has been burned into my mind. When he looked at my arms and the slow relation of what they were, the shock that quickly turned into disgust that quickly turned into despair. Emptiness crept up inside of me and I just knew I would have to explain everything to him. How April's friend brought it over and they were all shooting up and I just hung out and had a few beers. I was a little curious, but the needles terrified me. April loved heroin and started in on me. She really wanted me to try it, and I finally admitted I was just scared of the needles. So she showed me how to snort it and she was right, it was the most amazing feeling I ever had. I felt nothing and everything at the same time. I wrote brilliant song lyrics, I had amazing thoughts and idea and I felt so in love with April, like nothing I had ever felt before. Nothing could bring me down. That is until I crashed. Crashing off of heroin sucks the life out of you, it is actually painful. So I took more, to take that feeling away and to return to the euphoria of that first hit, but that elation came less and the crash harder. I began using the needles, my fear long forgotten for this new terror of being off of it, the shakes, the physical sickness and the fear. That is why I couldn't go with Mark.
I finally reached the loft and taking a deep breath insert my key and enter. I'm surprised to find the loft quiet. Mark is sleeping on the couch, practically sitting up, and his camera by his side. I notice a brown grocery bag next to him, so I look in and find some of my clothes and tapes and other miscellaneous shit I left here. I go into our room to look for anything he missed. Fuck him, if he wants me out, I'm out. I turn on the light and I am taken back by the emptiness of the room. My stuff wouldn't make the room look like this and then it hits me, Maureen. All her clothes, posters, makeup, everything is gone. The only thing left is a pile of Marks dirty clothes and a couple of film reels. I leave the room and go knock on Collins door, when no one answers; I go in and find the room barren. What the hell is going on here?
I go back over to the couch and start shaking Mark. He stirs a little, sees me and sits straight up. He won't look at me. "Mark, what is going on here? Where is Collins and Maureen?"
"They moved out." He still won't look at me.
"Moved out? Where did they go?"
"Collins got a job teaching in Massachusetts, and Maureen and I broke up."
"You broke up? Collins left New York? When? How come you didn't tell me?" Now he looks at me and the look on his face is pure anger. I realize that is why he showed up yesterday to tell me. "Mark, I'm sorry." Shit, I wasn't going to apologize.
"Whatever." He gets off the couch and points to the bag. "There's your shit. If I missed something let me know." Then he stops and faces me and almost pleadingly adds, "Unless you changed your mind and plan on staying."
For a split second I want to scream "Yes, I'll stay," but I don't. I can't. I just shake my head. His face falls, the last glimmer of hope evaporating.
"Yeah, well, good luck." He starts back toward the kitchen and stops. "No, I can't just leave things like that. How could you? How could you even start? Roger, come on!"
"I don't know, Mark, I can't explain it to you. I need to be with April. I am all she has."
"Yeah," He looks defeated, "You are all I have too."
"Mark, come on, you and Maureen will get back together, you always do." He just shakes his head. "Mark, I will be ok, I promise."
"How can you make that promise? You're using hero…" He can't even say it. "You are wasting your life away. When was the last time your band played anyway?"
"We broke up." Sarcastically I add, "Creative differences."
He scoffs. "Yeah, her name is April."
"Leave April out of this, Mark."
"Leave her out of this? She is this! I know you would never… I know she is the one that got you into this. Ever since you met her, you have isolated yourself. She doesn't like me, FINE! She doesn't have to deal with me anymore. Just go, ok? I won't bother anymore. Waste your life, I stopped caring, really I did."
I listen to his rant and his words get through, though I won't let him know it. "Fuck you Mark." I grab the bag of clothes and head out the door. "Have fun all by yourself in this fucking hole." I walk out and start down the stairs. I hear him come after me.
"Roger, wait." I turn around, just for a second. "I do care, please, Roger, I will help you. We'll find a place that you can go to. I'll be there for you every step."
Would he help me? Could he deal with it? Could I ask him to?
"Mark, just let me be."
I walk out of the building and head back to my new home.