A/N: Once again I'll say that I have SpamWarrior's permission to use her zany character Lorna. Yes, a Duck Fart really IS a drink. Also, there's a slight Spaceballs knock off in here, for all who've seen that wonderful movie. This chapter is shorter than the last, but I'm sure you've all noticed. And to make up for it, I promise the next will be longer.. my weekends just get so crammed. Anyways, enjoy! ^.^
Chapter Two
Harry and Ron walked down the corridor in silence before the red haired wizard grumbled, "Man, you shouldn't have told her all that...."
"Oh, come on, what's she going to do, put Hermione in therapy?" Snorted Harry. "She's way weirder than Hermione, she'll... understand."
"Yeah, but she's obviously suspicious about something or she wouldn't have asked," Ron said defensively. "I mean, Hermione *has* been acting weird lately.. Maybe she's been sneaking something out of the greenhouses."
Both Ron and Harry looked at one another before busting up laughing, continuing their trek to the Fat Ladies portrait. They passed by a dark corridor, little suspecting they weren't the only ones pondering this night.
~
Snape paced back and forth in the darkness, scowling at nothing and wringing his hands. Something was wrong with him, that much he knew for certain, and while he had a nasty sneaking suspicion that he knew what it was, his fear of the idea kept him from acknowledging it fully.
He muttered words such as "Nonsense", "Stupid", and "Impossible!" He kept wringing his hands, looking much like a madman. Snape's sallow face contorted in silent torment. How was it possible, a man of his demeanor could feel such a thing? His eyes bulged at the sudden noise of footfalls, and he whipped his head to the side, peering out at what he THOUGHT to be a student.
He barked out with his usual snide tone, "What are you doing out at this hour!"
A few more steps and Lorna stepped into the dim light, her mouth twisted in a smile, one eyebrow arched upwards. "I should ask the same about you, Snape...shouldn't you be doing something novel and exciting in your dungeon? Like.. taking a shower?"
Such a panoply of emotions flitted across Snape's face that for a moment it looked like he was going to explode. Doors ignored this, and shaking her head, moved on down the hallway. "Oh, and by the way, there's no way your class could possibly need so much catnip," she said, her eyes glinting merrily as a rather evil smirk crossed her pointed face. "People stopped smoking that in the seventies, you know."
And with this cheerful epithet she vanished, disappearing down the dark corridor with a faint snicker.
Snape gaped after her for a moment. "Dammit, Crabbe, I told you to leave that infernal weed alone!" he snarled after a moment. "Honestly...I need a drink..." He paused, realizing what he just said. "..And not in the teachers lounge." After that, he made his way out onto the school grounds, walking the short distance to Hogsmeade, straight to the Three Broomsticks. Pushing the door open, he stepped inside.
"Rosmerta, a Duck Fart please."
The barmaid arched an eyebrow. "Wow, what's the occasion?" she asked, reaching for the malt whiskey.
Snape sat heavily on a stool and put his head in his hands. "I think I've been cursed," he said.
"Really?" Rosmerta looked sympathetic. "Weasley twins again?"
"Most likely," said Snape, taking the glass from her and downing it in one shot. Rosmerta winced.
"Ouch, that HAS to burn," she muttered. "So what did they do this time? Doesn't look like the Furnunculus Curse."
Snape's face took on an odd, guarded expression. "I'd rather not say," he said. "Nut until I'm....sure."
****
One drink turned into several, and Snape leaned back on his stool, wobbling and falling over with a crash.
"You've gotta do shomething about thish moving floor...."
Rosmerta shook her head slowly, sighing. Snape laid on his back, staring up at the ceiling, an occasional and abrupt giggle escaping him.
"Now I know why Lorna likes this place so much.." he said in an airy tone.
Rosmerta looked over the counter at him. "Oh? No death threats?"
Snape chuckled darkly. "Oh, no, that's just the trouble, you see," he said, sitting up and fixing the barmaid with a slightly evil glint in his eyes. "Those wretched Weasleys have really gone for the jugular this time. They've given me a case on my worst enemy."
Rosmerta stared at him, looking rather as though she were about to pass out, but Snape beat her to it and keeled over backward with a heavy thud.
Another thud sounded as Rosmerta grabbed Snape by the wrists and drug him outside onto the side of the street.
By chance, Hagrid suddenly walked down the road and towards Snape. He stopped, and shook his head. "Never woulda' thought it.." He scooped Snape up, and, after a few more business stops, ("I'll give yeh this idiot's shoes for that there dragon egg...") they were on the way to Hogwarts.
Most unfortunately for Hagrid, Snape woke up about halfway there, already hung over and considerably hacked-off.
"PUT ME DOWN!" he roared, wincing and clutching his head as he did so. Hagrid promptly dropped him and strode off, muttering.
Snape brushed himself off and wove rather tipsily back to the castle. He found it nearly ready for dinner, and so he staggered to the staff table and collapsed into his chair.
McGonagall sat beside him, and wrinkled her nose. "Severus, you smell like-"
"Don't EVEN start," he snapped. McGonagall sniffed and edged her chair away from him.
~
Lorna walked down the hallway towards the Great Hall, ambling lazily along. She paused a moment to watch Hermione and Draco come pelting down the corridor from opposite directions, where they slammed head-on into one another. She listened as apologies were made, on Draco's behalf a bit more polite, and on Hermione's, a lot more impatient.
Lorna's eyes sparkled with mischief. "Well now.. fancy meeting you two in the same place. Draco, is there anything you'd like to share with the other party now that we're all here?" Nodding her head slightly towards Hermione, she struggled to hold back snickers.
Draco blushed rather brightly, and, panic-stricken, he yelped a few garbled sentences before emitting a pitiful high-pitched noise.
"I see," Doors said, then looked to Hermione. "Anything you'd like to share?"
Hermione blushed a bit herself and shook her head violently.
"WELL, there's something I want to-" Malfoy and Hermione both shot off in different directions before Doors could finish her sentence. She stood there a moment longer before she smirked broadly, and, laughing to herself, started her walk to the Great Hall once more.
She opened the door and strode over to her chair, pulling it out a ways from the table, then sitting down in it and scooting noisily back in. She looked on either side of her at Lupin and Sirius, who were already digging into their plates.
Hermione crept into the Great Hall, making her way over to the Gryffindor table, she sat down beside her friends.
Draco also walked into the Great Hall, taking large confident steps towards the table, seemingly calmed down and no longer in a rush.
Looking down from the staff table, Snape didn't see Hermione, but he saw his own student, the late Malfoy. In a moment he was up on his feet, chair almost knocked over, barking out the harsh words of "MALFOY! DETENTION!"
Lorna, Lupin, and Sirius all spewed out their food onto the table in front of them, then in swiveled their heads in unison to look at Snape.
All the Gryffindors, as a man, keeled backwards, and everyone else stared silently, eyes and mouths open, bits of bread and meat falling out here and there.
After a very large pause, Sirius held out his hand to Lorna and Lupin. "C'mon, fork it over.." Both teachers grumbled and tossed some coins into Sirius' hand.
Snape sat back down, looking slightly deranged, veins twitching in various places.
The Weasley twins hauled themselves off the floor, took a look around, and fell backwards again.
Snatching up a piece of bread, Snape said in a hissing voice, "Dumbledore, I take my leave to finish dinner in the privacy of my room." And with that, he walked out of the hall, one fist clenched.
Dumbledore said nothing, but his eyes twinkled once as he announced to the room to keep eating and not let any interruptions ruin dinner.
Malfoy sat, feeling numb except for the pang of shock in his mind. He thought to himself, "Snape? Giving one of his own students, one of his SLYTHERINS a detention?! No way!"
Draco and the other Slytherins kept thinking the same thing, wondering what was wrong with Snape, while on the other side of the room, the Gryffindors were thinking more cheerful thoughts.
Ron laughed and punched his fist into the air. "Snape's gone off his rocker! He gave Malfoy a detention!"
Hermione muttered, "I should be enjoying that, but.. I'm not. Maybe I'm the one going crazy."
Harry looked at her. "What was that?"
"Oh, nothing!" She smiled weakly, then started eating again.
After dinner, Doors disappeared down into one of her green houses, accompanied by her two old companions, Remus and Sirius. They all talked, unaware of the figure looming outside.
All the Gryffindors walked to the Portrait hole ("Dark Swartz." Percy said to the Fat Lady.) and entered, splitting off their separate ways. After a while many students lingered in the lounge room, whooping and cheering that Malfoy got a detention.
A very furious Hermione stomped down the stairs, wielding her frying pan from earlier. "WILL YOU SHUT UP?!" she hollered, brandishing the pan over her head. Her teeth looked unusually sharp and pointy, and so the common room took her advice.
She stomped back up into the girls dormitory, leaving everyone blinking.
"What's eating her?" Neville asked.
Fred blushed a bit, holding up a wiggling golden thing. "A rabid goldfish, actually.. I planted some in the girls dorm, and she must have found them.."
"Poor Hermione," Parvati commented.
Harry and Ron looked at one another, eyes narrowed suspiciously. This was just one more thing to add to the list entitled Hermione's Insane Actions.
"Why do you say that?" Harry asked.
Parvati exchanged a knowing glance with Lavender, and both burst into a fit of giggling that was entirely uninformative.
"Helps," Ron grumbled. "C'mon, let's go see if Doors knows anything about this."
"Why would she?" asked Harry, getting up to follow him.
"'cause Hermione probably told her, genius," Ron said, pushing open the portrait-hole. "I mean, who doesn't tell Doors stuff?"
"I dunno....Snape?" said Harry.
"Well, besides him," Ron said impatiently, as the two left the entrance hall and made their way across the wide lawns to the greenhouses. "He doesn't count."
"Good point," Harry muttered, but was prevented from saying more by the appearance of His Greasiness himself.
"Uh-oh, here comes the money shot," Harry groaned, grabbing Ron by the collar and dragging him behind a handy shrub.
The Potions master swept by without a glance in their direction. Harry privately felt that the Gryffindors were quite right in saying Snape was off his rocker--not only did he look more than a little snockered, he was muttering and wringing his hands like Lady Macbeth on crack.
"Maybe Hermione's not the one stealing out of the greenhouses after all," muttered Ron, sending both of them into a fit of strangled snickering.
"Shh!" Harry hissed after a moment; Snape was moving slower now, and his ramblings sounded quite clear in the stillness of the late evening.
"...hardly see what good this will do, since she's bound ot have that damnable Black and the werewolf hanging around, but it's worth a try, if it will get rid of this infernal curse."
Harry and Ron looked at one another. Curse? Under normal circumstances they'd both well believe that Doors would curse Snape, but cursed people rarely realized what was really wrong with them.
The two Gryffindors shrugged, then winced as they realized they'd be deader than Nearly Headless Nick if Snape caught them out at that hour. They couldn't go on, and there was too much open space between them and the castle to turn back now. So they sat and watched Snape watching the greenhouses until at last, cold and stiff, they saw Sirius and Lupin leave for the castle once more.
Snape's eyes glinted as he watched them go, and Harry and Ron looked at one another and gulped. They were just wondering what on Earth Snape was planning when the greenhouse door burst open yet again, and out sailed a very disgruntled-looking, two-headed goat. Harry and Ron stared blankly for a moment, until the triumphant, oddly accented intonation that was Doors's voice rang out into the evening.
"STAY OUTTA MY GREENHOUSES, YOU BEGONIA-EATIN' BAAAAASTAAAAD!"
The sound of two helpless snorts of laughter rang out into the night.
To be continued...
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In the next chapter of 'Snape's Problems'....confusion, food fights, curse-breaking, and the occasional sing-a-long...