The Liberation Chronicles #7: The Conference
For "J."Thanks to Kat and Tobiasrulz and Kay!
Chapter One – Jordan
The room was small and dark, with only a bit of moonlight shining through the window. It had little furniture, simply a chair and a crib. I followed the wailing noise that had woken me, and stood over the crib, staring for a long moment. At last, I reached down and pulled him into my arms.
He was soft. And warm, and so incredibly small. His crying stopped and he looked up at me with eyes that were bright blue like mine. His hair was as black as his father's, but finer, outlined sharply by the yellow blanket wrapped around him. I cradled him in my arms and sat in the chair, watching as the moonlight fell across his face. "Hello, little one," I whispered. I closed my eyes and leaned back in the chair, marveling at the feeling of this perfect, tiny, utterly innocent person.
He was mine. Mine and Marco's. Our child that we had made together. And he was perfect. He was . . .
A dream.
My eyes opened, and I didn't see the sweet little child I longed to see. Instead I saw a blank section of the wall of an Andalite scoop.
I rolled over and stared upward. On my other side, Marco slept. It was still dark out. Plenty of time for me to brood.
I inched closer to Marco for warmth and tried to not to cry. I had cried myself to sleep for three nights in a row now, all because of that wonderful dream. All because, for two minutes, I had been able to believe that the little boy in the dream was possible. But he wasn't.
I sat up, struggling, as always, for breath. I fought to breathe all the time now. Chronic asthma as a result of an assassination attempt that had hit me instead of the new leader of the Yeerk Empire. I would always be frail, Cassie told me. And I should not have children.
Again, as I lay in bed, pressed against Marco's back, I replayed that conversation in my mind.
"I can't have children?" I had said in shock.
"No," Cassie said slowly. "You shouldn't have children. I don't know if you can or not. When you're stronger we'll run some tests."
I was now stronger, and the tests had been run. I could conceive, if Marco and I chose to do so. But both Cassie and Albius-Siriun-Lupier, an Andalite doctor, had said that it would not be wise.
In all honesty, you are not strong enough, Albius said, frankly but kindly. Human childbearing is an unusually difficult undertaking. The complications could be . . . Well, it is simply better not to risk it.
I understood. And so did Marco, all too well. For a few weeks, I resigned myself to never having children. I had never exactly been the maternal type anyhow. Rachel and Tobias were talking about having more kids, so I decided that I would be cool Aunt Jordan. Aunts are better than mothers anyway, I told myself. All the fun and none of the hassle.
But then the dreams started. I wanted a child of my own so badly, I realized. It had never been that important to me because it had always been possible. Now it wasn't, and I ached for it more than I had ever thought possible.
Am I willing to risk my life? I wondered, more than once. I reached my hand over Marco's body and linked my fingers with his. He rolled over and pulled me into his arms.
"I love you," he mumbled.
"I love you, too," I said, running my fingers through his hair.
"What time is it?" he asked sleepily.
"Too early to get up," I replied with a sigh. I coughed and sat up slightly to breathe better.
Marco looked at me worriedly. "Maybe you shouldn't go to the conference. Salia could stay with you – "
"Marco!" I snapped, suddenly angry. "I'm going! We've been over this already. You want to start this whole thing over again?"
"No," he sighed. "I just wish you wouldn't push yourself."
"Push myself?" I cried, too loudly. He put his finger to his lips and glared at me. I returned the gaze, but lowered my voice. "Push myself?" I hissed.
"Yes, Jordan. Whether you want to acknowledge it or not, you're frail and will always be that way."
I glared at him and lay back down, my back to him. No, children were out of the question, I realized with a pang of mixed sadness and anger.
Later that morning we prepared to leave for the conference. It would be held near SD2 – or rather, near where SD2 should have been.
"Why are we going?" Sara asked crossly as she, Julie, and Tom were being hurried out of the scoop and into the Elfangor, which we would use to get to the conference.
"We're going because two arrogant species have been fighting for almost longer than they can remember," Marco replied with a sideways look at Ax. Fortunately for my dear husband, Ax was still too unsteady on his hooves after his spinal graft to pay much attention to anything except walking.
"So?" Julie said. They both knew that this was not a vacation and that they were going to be bored stiff the whole time. Salia was along to watch them while the rest of us were trying to keep blood from being drawn in the name of peace, but there wasn't going to be much for them to do.
"So . . ." Marco replied, smiling at her and ruffling her hair. "We're going to keep them from continuing to make idiots of themselves." He grinned at me over the children's heads. I returned his gaze with stony silence. I hadn't forgotten our early-morning discussion. In fact, I didn't speak to Marco the whole three hour trip to the peace conference. I told Rachel I was tired and went in to lie down in one of the bedrooms.
The bad part was that it wasn't an excuse. I really was tired, and my chest hurt. I wished desperately that I could dismiss Marco's concerns as being overprotective and paranoid, but the fact of the matter was that I was weak. Too weak to have children safely.
It always came back to that. What was it about "nesting"? I mean, I'd been raised by a single mom with a career. I knew all the options. I shouldn't have felt compelled to have kids. But I wanted to hold a baby and know that it was part of me. I wanted to see him take his first steps. I wanted to help him with spelling words and kiss him good night. I wanted all those things. And because of a stupid chemical grenade that had missed its mark, I would never get to. This is so unfair, I thought as I stared at the ceiling. I live through the whole war and this is my reward.
I fell asleep eventually. When we landed, Rachel came and woke me. She sat on the edge of the bed and gently shook me awake. "Hi," she said quietly.
"Are we there yet?" I asked with a drowsy smile.
"Yup," she said. "We're here."
"Okay." I sat up and coughed to clear away the achy feeling in my chest. It didn't help.
"Are you okay?" Rachel asked worriedly.
"I guess so. As okay as I'm ever going to be."
She nodded. "Did you and Marco have a fight?"
I looked at her in surprise. "How'd you guess?"
"Jordan, dear, you weren't subtle. You were shooting daggers at him with your eyes. If looks could kill, he'd be six feet under. What'd he say? Am I going to have to use my grizzly bear morph on him?"
I smiled slightly. "No . . . we just had an argument over whether or not I should come. He's being real paranoid."
"Well, I can see why. You gave all of us, but especially him and me, a real scare. We really didn't know if you were going to make it for awhile. He just doesn't want anything to happen to you."
I softened slightly. "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize, it wasn't your fault."
"I guess . . . I guess I'm just being overly sensitive. I've been having these dreams, and they're starting to really upset me."
"What're they about?"
I sighed and looked away. "A baby. A little, perfect, tiny person that's part me and part Marco."
"I see."
"I thought that I'd be satisfied just being an aunt. But I don't think I can be."
"Jordan." I looked at my sister. "You know what Cassie said – "
"Of course I know what Cassie said! My problem's my lungs, not my hearing!"
"Then why?"
"I don't know why! When we were little, you and I never played House. We played Office, and we were the big corporate executives. We never had babies, we had board meetings! And now look at us!"
"There's nothing wrong with being a mother!"
"I know. But what I don't know is WHY I so desperately WANT to hold that baby!"
Rachel sighed. She and I were silent for awhile. After a couple minutes, there was a knock. "Rachel?" Tobias said. "Jordan? Everything okay? We're getting off the ship."
"We'll be along in a couple minutes," Rachel called back. It irritated me that Marco hadn't been the one to check on us.
I thought you wanted him to be less paranoid, an irritating little voice said to me. I ignored it.
My sister turned back to me. "So," I said, changing the subject. "How about you and Tobias? Have you two been working on your little project?" I raised my eyebrows at her.
Rachel laughed. "Yes. And . . . we've been successful."
I stared. "You're kidding me. Already?"
She nodded, smiling. "Cassie confirmed it yesterday."
"Congratulations!" Despite my unhappiness at my own situation, I was still excited for my sister. At least I'd be able to hold a baby, even if it wasn't my baby. "Why didn't you tell me?"
She shrugged. "No time, with everything that was going on."
"Well, I'm very happy for you."
"Thanks." Rachel took a deep breath. "You ready for this?"
"The conference?" She nodded. "Not really. I think it's going to be really hard."
"But very interesting."
"Oh yes." I grinned, and felt a little better as I followed Rachel out of the ship.
The conference was scheduled to begin in the morning. So long . . . so, so long. The Galaxy War was almost over. I think everyone was in awe at the thought of peace.
I only wished I could enjoy it.
Chapter Two – Ax
Hope . . .
I closed my eyes as Elfangor's hirac delest came to an end, and my brother's voice faded. I fought the urge to think that he should have been in my place, about to attend the Yeerk-Andalite peace conference in a few minutes. Even after all this time, even after everything that had happened, even after avenging his death by killing the Yeerk emperor – there was still some part of me that believed that he could have done everything better than I. Listening to his hirac delest always intensified this feeling of inadequacy, as well as the ache I felt whenever I thought of my family. But my friends had asked to listen to it before we went to the conference, so I obliged.
I looked around at my human friends as the recording came to an end. Cassie and Prince Jake sat with their children, Julie and Tom, who were unusually silent and still. Marco stood with his arms around Jordan. Her breathing, which had been labored and rather ragged since her lungs were damaged, was the only sound in the scoop, save the hirac delest. My shorm Tobias, sat on the floor, clutching Sara in his lap. Rachel leaned her head on his shoulder, intertwining her fingers with his. Her other hand rested lightly on her stomach. Salia, who was now my wife, stood beside me, one hand gently touching my wrist. It was all she needed to do for me to know that she knew how I was feeling.
I shifted my weight on my still-weak legs. The spinal graft had been a success, but it had taken over a month of physical therapy for me to be able to walk again. I was often frustrated by my slow progress, though Cassie had used the word "miraculous" more than once.
The silence after the recording ended lasted a full two minutes. Even the children were quiet. At last Tobias met my eyes. "None of us would be here if it weren't for him," he said quietly.
"So let's do it," Rachel said, her eyes sparkling as she smiled mischievously at Marco.
"Elfangor gave us hope," Cassie added, her voice cracking a bit. "Let's make peace."
Prince Jake led us out of the room Salia and I had been given. An Andalite guard appeared and escorted us down the hall to the room where the conference was going to be held.
We were the first to arrive. "Good thing too," Cassie remarked. "I don't think we should leave the Andalites and Yeerks alone." She laughed lightly, but it was forced, and I thought that perhaps she was not entirely joking.
The Andalite Council arrived next. They took their places on one side of the long table, with us to their right. The Yeerk delegation would be placed on our left.
They were not long in coming. Three of the five peaceful Visser had come. They had been fitted with android hosts by now, and Erek also entered with them. They were a dazzling line of silver and milky white figures. They took their places, and Visser Forty-one nodded toward us.
It was a tense atmosphere. Neither side looked directly at the other, and guards stood behind both lines. I exchanged a glance with Tobias who simply gave a very slight shrug. It was impossible to tell yet how the conference would proceed.
Jake stood. He had been pre-selected as moderator, and agreed upon by both sides. The rest of us would assist him. "Thank you all for coming," he began, shuffling some papers in front of him. "I realize that after so long at war, peace seems a daunting task. But we can't forget why we're here."
There was silence.
"We're here," he continued, sounding slightly nervous, "because those who would have liked to continue this war are no longer in power. I ask that everyone in this room be open-minded and tolerant of the views of the other side, and . . ." He looked around. "And . . . let's begin. I was thinking that each side will state its objectives, and we can go from there."
Who begins? Lirem, the Head of the Council, asked. Two words, but I read so much behind them. Prince Jake and the others were considered citizens of the Andalite home world. If they favored the Yeerks, the Council would not view it well. However, the Yeerk were already at a disadvantage because the conference was being held on our world. Essentially, there was a threat within those two words. A potentially very dangerous threat. And Prince Jake was placed in a very difficult position.
But Prince Jake, the others, and myself had spent hours preparing for situations like this. He reached into his pocket and produced a small, silver disk – a human coin that he had brought with him from Earth many years ago and kept with him "for good luck."
"I'm going to flip this coin," he said, holding it up. "If the side with the human head comes up, the Yeerks go first. If the side with the bird comes up, the Andalites go."
He passed it around. Each side inspected it carefully. The suspicion in the air was nearly tangible. It will be left to chance, then, Lirem said in an odd, almost disapproving tone.
"A wise decision, War-Prince," Visser Forty-one said quietly, meeting Lirem's eyes steadily.
"Thank you, Visser." Prince Jake tossed the coin into the air, caught it, and flipped it over onto his arm. He held it out so that both the Yeerks and Andalites could see the human head that faced upward. "It's heads. Visser, you may speak first." Prince Jake sat.
Lirem's tail quivered in indignation.
"Thank you, War Prince. What my fellow vissers and I have come here for is very simple: peace. We want to be treated fairly, but most of all we want this war to end. The Abomination is dead, and it was he who perpetrated the attack on your world. It was he who would have sought to continue this war, even when our ancestors' objectives were accomplished. We have android hosts now. We will set our organic hosts free. It is time to return to peace."
"Thank you, Visser Forty-one," Prince Jake said. "Well said. Electorate Lirem? It is your turn to speak."
Thank you, Jake. The omission of Prince Jake's title was a deliberate offense. Lirem was obviously furious with him, though the coin toss had been left to pure chance. Prince Jake kept a stoic face, only glancing at me briefly. We also think that it is time for peace. But we believe that you Yeerks – he fairly spat the word in contempt – caused the war and continued it for years. We will not allow the memories of our dead warriors to be marred by unthinking peace.
"What does that mean?" Visser Forty-one asked directly.
Lirem looked startled, but said, It means that if you believe we are going to allow you to walk away from years of murder, you are sadly mistaken.
Visser Forty-one stared, as did her fellow vissers. I glared at Lirem and the rest of the Andalite Council. The Abomination is dead, I said, before Jake could say anything. I killed him myself. There is no reason to punish these Yeerks.
They are Yeerks! Lirem shouted.
"We should have expected this from you, you pompous, arrogant – " the visser began furiously.
"Hey!" Prince Jake yelled, holding up his hand.
"Humorless, back-stabbing, self-righteous – "
"VISSER!!!!" Prince Jake bellowed. The room fell silent. "That is ENOUGH! We are here for PEACE! Now we need to clarify a few things. Vissers, you cannot deny that the Andalites, as well as the humans, the Hork-Bajir, the Chee, and other species too, have suffered at the hands of your people. We" – he gestured toward the other Animorphs – "are here to represent the humans. Erek the Chee is speaking on behalf of those species that could not attend. Perhaps some sort of retribution is in order. But," he said, before anyone could break in, "this is a peace conference, not a revenge conference. We will discuss the terms of the treaty rationally." He looked around sternly, and reminded me startlingly of the Andalite who had taught me tail-blade fighting. "Okay. Electorate Lirem, what sort of terms were you and the rest of the Council thinking of?"
We simply seek to undo the mistake made by Prince Seerow so many years ago.
My hearts sank.
"And just how," Visser Forty-one asked evenly, "do you intend to do that?"
Galactic trade and travel restrictions. It is obvious that these . . . parasites cannot be trusted. We learned that once.
Another Yeerk visser faced him defiantly. "You want us to remain on our planet!"
In simple terms, yes. There will, of course, be a few exceptions, in the cases of rare emergencies, but –
"You bastard!" Visser Forty-one cried, utilizing some of the colorful human vocabulary she had learned from her time in a human host. "You arrogant son of a bitch! I won't stand here and have you spew these things!" Before Prince Jake or any of us could say anything, she turned and left, slamming the door behind her. The rest of the vissers and Yeerk guards rapidly followed.
You! Lirem shouted as soon as they had gone. His eyes were fixed upon Prince Jake. You – you traitor!
"Why am I a traitor?" Prince Jake asked hotly. "Because I'm doing everything in my power to make this conference fair?"
No! You are a traitor because you are defending those vile, evil slugs!
"Oh, I see," Prince Jake said in a dangerous tone, nodding. "I was confused. I thought that the reason you agreed to me being the moderator of this conference was because I would be fair. But obviously that's not what you wanted at all. You just wanted someone who would back you up!"
War-Prince Jake, you are entering the grounds of treason –
Electorate Lirem, I said quickly. It has been our experience with Visser Forty-one and her colleagues –
And you, Aximili! I would have thought that you would be better than this. That you, at least, would show some loyalty to your own species. You are an Andalite! He glared at Prince Jake and the others. After a long moment, his eyes returned to me, and he pulled himself up, straightening his spine and glowering at me. Your parents would be mortified, Aximili. And your brother would be appalled. With that, he left as well, and the rest of the Andalite Council filed out behind him.
The door slammed shut. My friends and Erek slumped in their seats.
"Well," Rachel said sarcastically, her head on the table. "That went just great."
"Yes," Marco agreed, "very productive."
"The thing is," Prince Jake said, pulling at his temples, "we can't entirely blame them. The Yeerks did betray their trust before."
"But those were different Yeerks!" Cassie cried.
"They don't know that," Erek said reasonably. "To them, all Yeerks are the same."
I sighed. My back was beginning to ache and my head already did so. This conference would be exhausting.
We left soon after, and I returned to my room. Salia had taken the children out for the day, so she was not there. I tried to rest, but I could not. The words of Electorate Lirem circled through my mind:
Your parents would be mortified, Aximili. And your brother would be appalled.
I knew that wasn't true. So why did it bother me so much?
Elfangor would not be ashamed of me.
Or . . . would he?
I was allying with the Yeerks, in a way. Defending them to the Electorate. I was defending everything my brother had spent his lifetime fighting. What he had died fighting.
Different Yeerks, I reminded myself. Visser Forty-one was NOT Visser Three. I had killed Visser Three, avenged my brother's murder. I had acted honorably and now I was making what I was convinced was the honorable decision.
But still . . . some nagging part of me disagreed. I had been taught since birth to hate Yeerks and everything they stand for. And now I was helping them.
I shook my head, and attempted to relax using one of the mind-clearing techniques taught to me at the academy. Eventually, I slept.
When I awoke, someone was knocking on the door. I answered it, hoping it was Salia, even though there was no reason for her to knock.
The face I saw on the other side made both my hearts stop for a moment. It was a female, but not Salia. Just as beautiful as Salia, to be sure, but still so different. And the reaction it triggered within me was just as different. Salia always made me feel better, even when I was frustrated and sore. The face in front of me, even after so many years, simply made me feel confused.
Estrid-Corill-Darrath.
Hello, Aximili, she said with a smile.
Estrid, I said in shock. Yes, hello. I . . . I was not expecting you. I could not say that I was glad to see her.
Did you forget that the University of Advanced Scientific Theory was very near here?
I had forgotten. I had also not known for certain that Estrid had returned to the home world alive. And, to be completely honest, after the events on Earth, I had not cared very much. Estrid was brilliant and beautiful, but not a person with whom I shared common ways of thinking.
Yes, I said honestly. I stared at her, completely at a loss.
May I come in?
I hesitated. At last I said, Yes and stepped back to allow her to come inside.
Well, she said, looking at me with a smile. It appears that you have been very busy lately. You are married, I hear?
Yes.
Congratulations. I also heard about your success in killing the Abomination – and your injury. How are you doing?
I am doing very well, thank you. I was extremely uncomfortable. How are you?
I am fine. I am not married, and I'm still continuing my research. Fascinating, as usual. She didn't sound fascinated. She sounded bored.
That is good. Suddenly, the door slid open. I stared at it, startled, as Salia entered.
Oh, thank goodness. I am so tired. Those children have so much energy. Salia had not seemed to notice Estrid. Aximili, I heard of a new therapy . . . Her voice died as she saw Estrid.
Salia, I said quickly, I'd like you to meet an old . . . acquaintance. Estrid-Corill-Darrath.
Ah, Salia said. Nice to meet you.
Likewise. There was an awkward silence as Salia and Estrid seemed to size each other up. I dreaded the moment Estrid left..
But at the same time, when she did leave a few moments later, I was happy to see her go. At one time, I had liked Estrid, perhaps thought that I loved her. I had even kissed her. But I did not like her any more, even as a friend.
Salia, however, did not know this.
Who was that? she demanded, pleasantly, but with an edge of accusation.
That was an old acquaintance, I said, repeating myself.
Yes, of course. I'd forgotten how many beautiful, brilliant, and did I mention famous female acquaintances you have.
Salia, I admonished, somewhat taken aback. If you must have the whole truth, she was part of an small delegation of Andalites that came to Earth about midway through my time there. It was not a happy incident, and I do not like Estrid in any sense of the term. I did not invite her here, and I hope she does not return.
Salia looked at me for a moment. Finally she said, I'm sorry I was suspicious.
It is all right, I said.
She hesitated. How did the conference go?
I groaned. Very poorly. It became a shouting match and both sides left quite abruptly.
Oh dear, she sighed, putting her hand on my arm. Despite this, I still had the sense that she was not completely convinced that Estrid and I had had an entirely platonic relationship.
Which we hadn't.
I sighed inwardly. Estrid always managed to complicate matters.
Chapter Three – Rachel
On the second day of the conference, I awoke to the sound of rain on the roof of the building. I closed my eyes and listened to the familiar sound, and moved nearer to my husband for warmth.
He opened his eyes and looked at me. "How are you feeling?" he asked.
I smiled. "All right for now. Later might not be so great." The terrible morning sickness I'd had with Sara had returned – that had been the main way I'd suspected I was pregnant. So far, it hadn't affected anything important. I intended to keep it that way.
He put his arms around me. "You're beautiful, did I ever tell you that?"
"Not since last night."
He kissed me. "You're beautiful. And I love you."
"I love you too."
He kissed me again, and I started to return it. But suddenly I shoved him away frantically.
"What?" he asked, startled.
"Sorry," I mumbled, climbing to my feet. "I have to throw up."
When I came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, I sighed and looked at Tobias. "Sorry."
"Well, it's not exactly the reaction I look for when I kiss you, but I'll get over it." He checked the Andalite clock on the wall. "We'd better get going. We have to get dressed and get the kids up and at 'em before we go."
I nodded, but sank back onto the bed with a tired sigh. Tobias looked outside. "The rainy season's started."
"I don't think I've ever been home for the rainy season," I remarked, trying to cover up the fact that I was suddenly exhausted.
Tobias nodded. "Probably not. It'll ran for days on end, and then stop and we'll have day of gorgeous sunshine. Then it will rain again."
"I like rain."
"Me too. I'll go see if Jake already got the girls up." While we had been talking, Tobias had been dressing. Now he walked out of our room barefoot and into the hallway that connected all of our rooms.
Sara and Julie had been given the room between ours and Jake and Cassie's. I told them it was a privilege, not a right, and they'd better behave.
A few minutes later, he came back and said, "They're up and ready. Salia took them to get something to eat."
"I'm sure glad she's along on this trip," I said.
"Me too. Are you hungry?"
"What do you think?" I asked, making a face.
Tobias smiled. "You should eat something, you know."
"Why, so I can throw up later? No thanks. I'll eat a big lunch."
"Are you sure?"
"Very."
Tobias left to eat breakfast. I put my head between my knees and tried not to get sick again.
I felt lousy.
Had it been this bad with Sara? I tried to remember. I didn't think so, but it was probably just the stress of the peace conference. I got dressed slowly, and sat down again.
Stupid, I thought to myself. There was no way I was going to let morning sickness affect me. I was just as tough as any male Andalite warrior.
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "Rachel!" Jordan's voice called.
I let her in. "Good morning," I said.
She stalked past me furiously. "I'm going to KILL him!" she spat.
"Who?"
"Who do you THINK? Marco!"
"Oh," I said lightly, sitting in a chair and trying to ignore a wave of dizziness that had just washed over me. "Well, we've all wanted to do that at some time or another."
"This whole baby thing is driving me insane! I keep having those dreams, and he won't even TALK about it! He just says, 'No, you're too weak,' and clams up!"
"Believe me, Jordan. The pregnancy thing isn't all it's cracked up to be."
She looked at me closely. "Are you okay?"
"Other than the fact that I already threw up once today, yeah. It's just morning sickness, I had it with Sara too. I'll be fine."
Jordan pulled a chair up beside me and leaned her head on my shoulder. "Rachel?" she said after a moment.
"Yes?"
"I want morning sickness," she said sadly.
I laughed. "Well, I wish you could have it. But you can't."
"Oh, sure! Take his side!"
"Yeah, I'm taking his side! Jordan, Marco is right – for once. You can't have a baby. You have to think about this, Jordan. You'd be risking your life."
She sighed and coughed. "I suppose. I . . ."
I didn't hear the rest of what she said.
A wave of pain hit my stomach and I doubled over, gasping. "Rachel?!" Jordan cried. She helped me get off the chair and I lay on the floor, curled up in a fetal position. I felt sweat break out on my neck and back. I moaned involuntarily, and instantly bit my lip to keep from doing it again.
"Rachel? What's wrong?" Jordan asked, frightened.
"Get Cassie," I managed.
This couldn't be happening. No, it was just severe morning sickness. But I had felt this before, or something like it. I knew what it was. I knew it.
Cassie ran in, followed by Jordan and Tobias. She took one look at me and said, "Tobias, out!"
"What?" he said staring at me. "No, what's wrong? Rachel . . ."
"Get out. I'll come get you when I need you. Jordan, you should leave too."
"No," I said weakly. "Tobias . . ."
I blacked out.
When I awoke, I was lying in my bed. Cassie and Jordan were sitting beside me, Cassie pressing a cloth to my forehead. I felt sore, but the horrible pains were gone. But there was something terribly wrong with me.
I looked at Cassie. "Please," I said. "Tell me that wasn't what I thought it was."
She nodded. "I'm so sorry, Rach."
I looked away, shocked. Finally I mumbled, "Does Tobias know?"
Cassie nodded slowly. "He was pretty upset. I sent him off with Ax to calm down. I didn't want you to see him like that."
"I don't understand. I wasn't more than a month along, I'd done everything right. What happened?"
She shrugged. "It's almost impossible to tell."
I stared up at the ceiling in shock. My mind was reeling. The baby had been so real to me. Tobias and I had even chosen a name – Alan. I could see him in my mind, and I was so sure it was a boy. But now, he was gone. What had I done wrong? It had to have been my fault. An overwhelming surge of guilt and grief washed over me, and I began to cry.
"Oh, Rachel," Cassie whispered. She helped me sit up and then put her arms around me. "I know what you're thinking. It's not your fault."
"But it had to be my fault," I replied through my sobs. Jordan gripped my hand.
"No," Cassie said softly, shaking her head. "No. That's not true."
"What then?" I snapped.
Cassie sighed. Jordan hugged me and stroked my hair. "All I can tell you," Cassie said, "is that miscarriages only happen when something is horribly wrong. And it is almost never the mother's fault. You didn't smoke or drink or do any of those things. It was not your fault."
I was silent for a few moments. I just sat there and cried, feeling as though a part of me had been ripped away. And that was true, I realized. Alan had been a part of me, physically and emotionally.
After a few moments, Cassie spoke. "I never told you this Rachel, but I had a miscarriage once."
I stared at her. "What?"
"Before Julie. It was pretty soon after we came here, right after Jake and I were married. He'd been home on a very short leave, and gone back. I found out I was pregnant about a month later." She smiled. "The very first person I told was Forlay, and she was almost as excited as I was. Life had been so lonely for her since Noorlin died, and the thought of a new baby, even a human one . . ." Cassie trailed off wistfully.
"I didn't know any of this," I whispered.
She looked at me sadly. "I miscarried a week later. Jake received my news about the pregnancy and the miscarriage in the same batch of communications."
"Oh my God," I murmured. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Jake and I didn't tell anyone. Forlay was the only person that knew. I guess . . . I don't know. I suppose that deep down inside, I thought the same thing you're thinking: that it was my fault. That if someone knew I had miscarried, they'd look at me and think, 'What did she do to cause that? What a horrible person.' I knew it was ridiculous, but I couldn't help it. But it's not your fault."
"I know," I said after a long silence. "But it hurts, so badly."
Jordan hugged me tighter.
The door slid open and Tobias stepped in. He looked at me wordlessly, and I couldn't meet his eyes. I was afraid of what I might find there.
Ax appeared behind him and said, Rachel, are you all right?
"Yeah," I said, though it wasn't entirely truthful. "I'll be okay. Thanks, Ax."
I must return to the conference, he said. I am very sorry, Rachel.
"Thank you," I said again.
"We'll leave you two alone," Cassie said. She and Jordan both gave me a hug, and left.
Tobias sat beside me in bed. Slowly, he reached over and pulled me into his arms.
The tears came back in full force. I clung to him and sobbed into his shoulder. "I'm so sorry," I repeated, over and over again. "I'm so, so sorry."
"Rachel, it's not your fault," he said softly, stroking my hair.
"I feel like there had to something I could have done. He was a part of me . . ."
"But something was wrong, Rach. Really, really, wrong. That's what Cassie said."
"I know, but . . ." I leaned against him, feeling drained and exhausted. Tobias lay back and held me. I listened to the beating of his heart, and cried, thinking that for a few weeks there had been two hearts beating within me.
It must have been nearly an hour before I dared look in Tobias's eyes. They were red-rimmed and his face was pale. But he just pulled me closer and whispered, "We'll try again. It was just a fluke."
"But what if it wasn't?" I asked, looking at him seriously. "What if there's something wrong with me? What . . . what if Sara was the fluke and I can't have any more children?"
"Rachel, you know that's not true. Cassie would have caught something like that."
I lay back down, my head on his chest. "I'm scared. I don't understand this. After all the battles and everything we've gone through . . . this is what scares me."
I felt Tobias shrug. "Maybe it's because this is more personal than battles."
"Maybe," I said. I swallowed painfully. "I didn't even know him. I didn't think it could hurt so much to lose someone you didn't know." My eyes filled with tears all over again.
"Rach, look at me." I turned in his arms to stare into his eyes. He kissed me softly and said, "You did know him. He was us. You knew him enough to know he was a 'him.'"
I nodded slowly. I closed my eyes and whispered, "At least we didn't tell Sara. Where is she right now?"
"Salia took her with Julie and Tom to some museum." Tobias sat up. I rolled onto my back and looked up at him. "I hate to leave you, but – "
"The conference. I understand."
"Ax thinks that I might carry some clout because Elfangor was my father."
"Maybe," I said doubtfully. We were grasping at straws. Peace seemed an unlikely possibility after yesterday's fiasco.
He sat for a moment, looking at me, with such intense sadness in his eyes that it made my heart ache. I was surprised how much I ached. I suppose I thought I had lost the ability to hurt like this. I was Xena, after all.
Screw being Xena.
Finally, Tobias said, "I hate leaving you."
"I'll be okay," I said.
"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" he asked. "Just say the word and I won't go."
"I know," I murmured. "But you have to. There's a lot on the line. Be sure to tell the others I'm . . . I'm okay." I suddenly tried to smile bravely, but it died and I ended up biting my trembling lower lip to keep from crying again. I didn't want Tobias to leave. I just wanted to curl up in his arms.
Tobias kissed me again. "I won't be gone long," he promised.
"I know." I pressed his fingers to my lips. "I'm really tired. I'll probably just sleep."
"Okay." He stood up and started to leave. But at the door, he paused and said softly, "No matter what happens, I'll always love you."
"Thank you," I managed, my voice cracking, and my throat blocked with tears.
Tobias left.
I lay down and cried myself to sleep.
Chapter Four – Tobias
I closed the door to my room behind me and leaned against the wall. I breathed deeply, trying to regain my composure before going to the conference. I hated to leave Rachel like that, but I had to at least show up at the conference. Rachel understood.
I opened the door to the conference room and paused. Visser Forty-one paused in mid-sentence, and the whole room looked at me.
"Visser, if you wouldn't mind, could we take a five minute recess?" Jake asked.
"That is fine," Visser Forty-one said. "I understand."
The room broke up into three groups. The Yeerks huddled at one end, the Andalites at the other, with Erek and the five of us grouped in the middle. An excellent representation of how this conference was going.
Cassie gave me a hug. "How's she doing?"
"I think she's sleeping," I said.
"We're all really sorry," Jake said quietly.
"I know," I replied. "Thank you."
There was a moment of very awkward silence. Finally, I said, "How're things going?"
"Bad," Jake said bluntly. "I guess we've avoided an out and out shouting match like yesterday, but the Andalites are being very stubborn. They're insisting on travel restrictions – and now they're questioning the wisdom of android hosts."
"What?" I said. "Why?"
"Because they're not easily destroyed," Erek said.
I shook my head in amazement, and we fell silent. None of them knew what to say to me, and I didn't feel like talking. After Jake checked his watch for about the hundredth time, he said, "Five minutes is up. Let's do this. I only want to go about an hour more, and then we can call it a day."
"Visser Forty-one," Jake said, once the meeting had been called back into order. "You were speaking."
"Yes, thank you, War-Prince. I was saying that I see Electorate Lirem's point, but I wanted to know what his solution was – surely he doesn't suggest a return to organic hosts?"
Of course not, Lirem said. But then, to my surprise, he added, Not entirely.
I truly hope Lirem does not say what I think he is about to say, Ax muttered to us in private thought-speak.
But, Lirem was continuing, it has been pointed out that before the Yeerks began enslaving other species, they had the Gedds. They were very nearly symbiontes. Why not simply return to that situation?
There was a moment of silence. At last, Visser Forty-one said simply, "No."
We were hoping you would be willing to compromise –
"Compromise!?" the visser exploded. "Tell me, Lirem, what sort of compromising have you done?"
My species did not embark on a reign of terror across the galaxy! You are Yeerks! Parasites!
"You really can't see past that, can you?" Visser Forty-one said. There was a moment of dead silence while the Yeerks and Andalites stared at each other hatefully. At last, Visser Forty-one looked at us and said, "You have tried to treat us fairly. For that, I am grateful. And I am truly sorry for what I must do."
She looked at Lirem steadily and said, "This conference is over. We will continue to take on android hosts and set our organic ones free. We will go where we wish and trade as we like. You may continue this war or you may end it. It is your choice. We had hoped that we could work together to make this time of change easier on species such as the Hork-Bajir and humans, but obviously you can't do that." With that, the Yeerks left.
Jake looked at the Electorate and said, shaking his head, "What is wrong with you?"
War-Prince Jake –
"Shut up! I am so sick of all of this. Peace was staring you in the face and you couldn't look past the ends of your noses to see it!"
War-Prince Jake! Do you have some wish to be demoted?
"I don't care. I really don't." Jake turned and opened the door that led back into our wing of the building. Before he left, he turned, looked Lirem straight in the eyes, and said in a low, deadly voice, "Go to hell."