4
Saidar
I want to touch it, but Madra says not yet, that an Aes Sedai will come and teach me in a week or so, and I can't wait because I want to touch it. Mierin says that it is the most beautiful thing in the world, but that can't be true because Mierin is and nothing can be prettier for Mierin than when she opens wide the bathroom doors and sees Mierin in the mirror. Madra says that Mierin is trouble and stay away from her, but I have seen Madra look half-wicked at the boys and paint her lips red like a yellow apple, and glare at Mierin's that are heated coral without a brush. I like Mierin because I'd like her to be my friend, and I don't think she is a black heart girl like everyone says. She is blue, dark blue, and lovely and lovely and sad.
I like Mierin.
That's because she has the spark too, Enny, says Madra, who is also a big girl and channels. You can feel the spark in someone else, and the ability to channel if they know how.
No it isn't, you stupid, says Kammie Nindar. She can't channel yet, so she can't tell, you moron. Kammie Nindar is a lace balloon girl, is Madra's friend and pink as a cheek.
You're the one who's stupid, Kammie! Enny already touched. Madra, short, slim like a broken lampstand, cat-crying to pink Kammie who is like a fat white kitty herself.
You did? says Kammie, and looks at me. You're too young for that, you couldn't have, what did you do?
I don't remember what I did, I want to say, memories are fluffy cotton and tug apart when you hold them; I remember I was wet and warm, I needed to reach. Red-cap girl ahead by a stroke. Need to reach, need to reach, need to reach the concrete on the other side. Explosion. Rough gray on my fingers, and red-cap is under, and they are jumping in, up she comes, sputtering, and there is a gold circle on my chest but they take it away, No! it's my medal! I say, and I learn that I am a cheater and it wasn't my fault but Tallita Allbro nearly drowned and I cry and it is not my fault and it is not my fault and I am sad and scared and my stomach hurts and next day I am sick.
Something bad, says Kammie Nindar, I can tell.
No, I want to say, It wasn't me I didn't mean to do it oh Kammie, Kammie, I didn't mean to do it! and I am about to say so but Kammie and Madra aren't looking at me anymore. They are looking at a handsome boy across the hall who is brown-haired but a golden lion and he is talking to Mierin.
5
Me Leaving School After History Class
There are a billion and four things to learn about that don't even have to do with saidar and I need to know them ifirst/i. History is the worst because Yamene Sedai makes us learn all the dates of everything that ever happened ever, and then wraps up the influence of kings and Tamyrlins and cities into a little ball and throws them at your head where it explodes like a smelly dandelion in your brain. And nothing that happened back then matters anyway, I say to Sumid Baknes, who sits next to me and smells like water. It's over and done with, why do we have to learn about... what's that word? You know, the one with the 'w'?
War? says Sumid like plastic.
Yeah, that's it. Who cares? It's not like it matters at all or anything.
Have you paid any attention at all to any of my classes, Ilyena Dalisar? Yamene Sedai says like iron with a white beard. He is behind me and my spine leaps.
Yes Aes Sedai! I say quickly and Sumid trots away just as fast.
Well then. Tell me why what you just said is wrong.
Because...
My eyes dart around the room and they come to rest upon a poster Yamene Sedai keeps by his desk.
The Wheel of Time!
What about it? he says like wrinkled paper.
My eyes squint. The Wheel of Time turns and ages come and go
.. he looks at me like sand..
leaving memories that fade to legend
.. he looks at me..
legend fades to myth
.. he looks..
and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again.
Very good. Now I suggest you actually think about hwat you just said as well as being able to read it off the wall. Then I think you'll understand.
Then he turns and is about to say something to me...
But he thinks better of it, and so do I, and walks away, and so do I, but in opposite directions.
6
Lillen Speaks
I had a dream about you, she says, and I dread it because Lillen never has happy dreams. They are always sad like a torn spiderweb, and scary.
But when Lillen says she has a dream, she tells you what it is, no stopping her.
The glass sunset has faded, last rays of light twinkling redly through the top of my window, shadows on the floor. I don't like it when the sun goes down. Lillen does.
She says she dreamt of me floating in the water. Me lighting a flashlight beneath my covers at nighttime. Me flying into the sun, and it swallows me like a crumb on its orange lip.
But what does it mean, Lillen? I say. The dreams Lillen says matter don't really, do they? Not when they make so little sense!
I don't know, say Lillen's eyes. I dreamt of a dragon too, says her mouth.
Then it is gone. Lillen is quiet. How long, how long, until she speaks or dreams again...
7
A Yellow Kind of Blue
I like Mierin and Lillen and Sumid and Madra and Kammie Nindar, but they aren't my friends. I am a yellow blanket, cold but warming, sad and grinning, not feeling empty until ther is no one beneath me but lukewarm air. Then I cry.
I don't dram of saidar, really. I sit through my lessons, am blank with my chores, am quiet because I don't want Mierin or Madra or Kammie or anyone to hear me.
I watch as someone else's tears fill my eyes, smudge unformed words on paper, blue words. And Lillen is silent of course.
I don't dream like Lillen does. When I go to sleep it is nothing. I don't wonder about what great golden things will happen with my head on the pillow, eyes shut tight against tears that taste like home.
I am yellow Enny.
Pale,
Sad,
Plain,
And homely like a little ragged blanket clutched tightly to a blue, blue girl.
Saidar
I want to touch it, but Madra says not yet, that an Aes Sedai will come and teach me in a week or so, and I can't wait because I want to touch it. Mierin says that it is the most beautiful thing in the world, but that can't be true because Mierin is and nothing can be prettier for Mierin than when she opens wide the bathroom doors and sees Mierin in the mirror. Madra says that Mierin is trouble and stay away from her, but I have seen Madra look half-wicked at the boys and paint her lips red like a yellow apple, and glare at Mierin's that are heated coral without a brush. I like Mierin because I'd like her to be my friend, and I don't think she is a black heart girl like everyone says. She is blue, dark blue, and lovely and lovely and sad.
I like Mierin.
That's because she has the spark too, Enny, says Madra, who is also a big girl and channels. You can feel the spark in someone else, and the ability to channel if they know how.
No it isn't, you stupid, says Kammie Nindar. She can't channel yet, so she can't tell, you moron. Kammie Nindar is a lace balloon girl, is Madra's friend and pink as a cheek.
You're the one who's stupid, Kammie! Enny already touched. Madra, short, slim like a broken lampstand, cat-crying to pink Kammie who is like a fat white kitty herself.
You did? says Kammie, and looks at me. You're too young for that, you couldn't have, what did you do?
I don't remember what I did, I want to say, memories are fluffy cotton and tug apart when you hold them; I remember I was wet and warm, I needed to reach. Red-cap girl ahead by a stroke. Need to reach, need to reach, need to reach the concrete on the other side. Explosion. Rough gray on my fingers, and red-cap is under, and they are jumping in, up she comes, sputtering, and there is a gold circle on my chest but they take it away, No! it's my medal! I say, and I learn that I am a cheater and it wasn't my fault but Tallita Allbro nearly drowned and I cry and it is not my fault and it is not my fault and I am sad and scared and my stomach hurts and next day I am sick.
Something bad, says Kammie Nindar, I can tell.
No, I want to say, It wasn't me I didn't mean to do it oh Kammie, Kammie, I didn't mean to do it! and I am about to say so but Kammie and Madra aren't looking at me anymore. They are looking at a handsome boy across the hall who is brown-haired but a golden lion and he is talking to Mierin.
5
Me Leaving School After History Class
There are a billion and four things to learn about that don't even have to do with saidar and I need to know them ifirst/i. History is the worst because Yamene Sedai makes us learn all the dates of everything that ever happened ever, and then wraps up the influence of kings and Tamyrlins and cities into a little ball and throws them at your head where it explodes like a smelly dandelion in your brain. And nothing that happened back then matters anyway, I say to Sumid Baknes, who sits next to me and smells like water. It's over and done with, why do we have to learn about... what's that word? You know, the one with the 'w'?
War? says Sumid like plastic.
Yeah, that's it. Who cares? It's not like it matters at all or anything.
Have you paid any attention at all to any of my classes, Ilyena Dalisar? Yamene Sedai says like iron with a white beard. He is behind me and my spine leaps.
Yes Aes Sedai! I say quickly and Sumid trots away just as fast.
Well then. Tell me why what you just said is wrong.
Because...
My eyes dart around the room and they come to rest upon a poster Yamene Sedai keeps by his desk.
The Wheel of Time!
What about it? he says like wrinkled paper.
My eyes squint. The Wheel of Time turns and ages come and go
.. he looks at me like sand..
leaving memories that fade to legend
.. he looks at me..
legend fades to myth
.. he looks..
and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again.
Very good. Now I suggest you actually think about hwat you just said as well as being able to read it off the wall. Then I think you'll understand.
Then he turns and is about to say something to me...
But he thinks better of it, and so do I, and walks away, and so do I, but in opposite directions.
6
Lillen Speaks
I had a dream about you, she says, and I dread it because Lillen never has happy dreams. They are always sad like a torn spiderweb, and scary.
But when Lillen says she has a dream, she tells you what it is, no stopping her.
The glass sunset has faded, last rays of light twinkling redly through the top of my window, shadows on the floor. I don't like it when the sun goes down. Lillen does.
She says she dreamt of me floating in the water. Me lighting a flashlight beneath my covers at nighttime. Me flying into the sun, and it swallows me like a crumb on its orange lip.
But what does it mean, Lillen? I say. The dreams Lillen says matter don't really, do they? Not when they make so little sense!
I don't know, say Lillen's eyes. I dreamt of a dragon too, says her mouth.
Then it is gone. Lillen is quiet. How long, how long, until she speaks or dreams again...
7
A Yellow Kind of Blue
I like Mierin and Lillen and Sumid and Madra and Kammie Nindar, but they aren't my friends. I am a yellow blanket, cold but warming, sad and grinning, not feeling empty until ther is no one beneath me but lukewarm air. Then I cry.
I don't dram of saidar, really. I sit through my lessons, am blank with my chores, am quiet because I don't want Mierin or Madra or Kammie or anyone to hear me.
I watch as someone else's tears fill my eyes, smudge unformed words on paper, blue words. And Lillen is silent of course.
I don't dream like Lillen does. When I go to sleep it is nothing. I don't wonder about what great golden things will happen with my head on the pillow, eyes shut tight against tears that taste like home.
I am yellow Enny.
Pale,
Sad,
Plain,
And homely like a little ragged blanket clutched tightly to a blue, blue girl.