Always, 8
INTRODUCTION: I don't really have too much to say, just that if you haven't read the first 7 parts this might be confusing for you... :)!
DISCLAIMER: This is starting to get old, everyone knows I don't own the characters from "Friends"...
"What's the matter, honey?" Chandler asked and sat down on the couch next to her, taking her hands. Regina was now in bed and almost asleep.
"I… got some… disturbing news today…" Monica said.
"You did? When?"
"Just now. At the doctor's."
"Is something the matter?" Chandler asked, worried.
Monica made a face and looked sad.
"Honey!" Chandler said, upset and anxious. "What is wrong? Something is wrong, isn't it? Is it the baby?"
Monica didn't answer.
"Come on honey, talk to me here, you're kinda' freaking me out! Is something the matter with our baby, is, is it a defection of some kind? Is the baby DEAD? You're not having Siamese twins, are you?"
Monica couldn't help but to laugh a little.
"No Chandler, I am not having Siamese twins. I think they would have detected that a long time ago if that were the case."
"But it is something about the baby, am I right?"
Monica looked sad again.
"I found out today at the doctor's…"
"Yes I know, you said that already!"
"I was talking about some things, nothing special really, mostly just how I've been feeling since last time I was there and things like that."
"And… ?"
Monica smiled sadly when she saw the look in his eyes. He was worrying out of his mind, letting his imagination get the best of him.
"Chandler, I… don't know how to say this…" she said, thinking back on her doctor's appointment.
"Whatever it is…" Chandler said, taking her hand. "Just let me know. And we'll work it out."
Monica pulled her hand back and looked up at the ceiling, fighting to keep her tears at bay.
"Chandler I'm sick again."
"You, you need to vomit?" Chandler asked, anxiously. "You want me to get you some water?"
"No, Chandler I'm SICK again!"
Chandler looked into her eyes and slowly realized what she was saying.
"How, how do you mean 'sick'?" he asked, hoping she would give him any other answer than what he realized might be the truth.
"I've gotten cancer again."
"But how, I mean, it doesn't, how, I…" Chandler said, starting a number of sentences at the same time, confused and in shock. "I thought they said you COULDN'T become sick again!"
"No, they THOUGHT I wouldn't!" Monica corrected him. "But I did. I am sick again, Chandler. The only thing I don't know if it's leukemia or some other form of cancer, I didn't hear that part, but that's not important!"
"Well…" Chandler said, shaking his head slightly. "I mean… Are they SURE?"
"They wouldn't say anything definite unless they were."
"Okay, this is going to be all right!" Chandler said, feeling a bit calmer when he looked at it rationally. "I mean, you've beaten it before, you'll do it again! I KNOW you can! We'll just get you started on the treatment right away, and--"
"Chandler" Monica interrupted him. "I'm not going to have any treatment."
"WHAT?" Chandler bawled. "Have you completely lost your MIND?"
"I can't, Chandler!" Her voice broke and a tear fell down her cheek. "Chandler I CAN'T have any treatment!"
"I know it was difficult, I know it was tough, but PLEASE Monica!" Chandler said. "Otherwise you'll DIE!"
"I don't care!"
"Well maybe you don't, but I sure as hell do!" Chandler bawled, seriously upset.
"Chandler, quiet, you're gonna wake Regina!"
"Yeah, well YOU'RE gonna make her motherless!" Chandler sharply replied.
"Don't you see that I have no CHOICE?"
"That is bullshit Monica, you beat it before and you are going to go through the treatment this time as well!"
"But I CAN'T!"
"Did the doctor tell you this?"
Monica turned her face away from him, then muttered a no.
"Excuse me, I didn't hear!" Chandler sharply said.
"I said 'NO!" Monica said. "No, he did not tell me I couldn't have the treatment."
"Then why are YOU saying you can't have the treatment?"
"Chandler please, don't be MAD at me!"
"Well then don't turn me into a widower!"
"You don't know that I'll die!"
"Damn you Monica, you are going to have the treatment and cure this disease, because I will NOT let you give up on yourself!" Chandler roared.
"But Chandler I am PREGNANT!" Monica yelled back, even though she knew Regina was asleep. "What about the BABY?"
Chandler realized in a second and sank in his posture.
"The baby…"
"Yes, the baby, Chandler!" Monica said, still crying slightly. "Chandler the baby can't handle heavy medication! It's going to die or it's going to get brain damages or something! I can't RISK that, don't you see?"
"And instead you risk you?" Chandler stated, but no longer angry. Just resigned.
"Nothing says I'll die!" Monica objected.
"Oh of COURSE you will!" Chandler hissed. "Damn it Monica, what did you expect, huh? The baby's due in March, it's only December right now, that's three more months! You CANNOT wait that long!"
"Chandler it is MY decision and it is MY choice."
"Decision and choice is the same thing."
"Whatever. I won't do anything to risk this baby's health, do you understand that Chandler? NOTHING to risk it!"
"How can you put the health of an unborn child above your LIFE?" Chandler asked, not understanding her choice.
"What kind of a mother am I otherwise? Wouldn't you risk your life for Regina?"
"That's not the same thing!" Chandler objected. "That would be a life for a life, this is a life for a soon-to-be life."
"There isn't anything different in it to me!" Monica said. "Chandler do you think I want to die? I don't! I really, really don't, I'm so afraid of dying that I'm about to loose it in any second!"
"Well then WHY?"
"Because I couldn't possibly live with myself if I got a miscarriage or we had a baby with a brain damage. I couldn't live with myself knowing that our child could have been perfectly healthy and fine, but I put my own health above his or her entire LIFE!"
"I'd rather have you and a child with brain damage than no you and a healthy child." Chandler said.
Monica broke into tears again, and couldn't speak for about a minute. Then she tried to dry her tears.
"You're being unfair!" she whispered. "This is my choice, Chandler. And it's not even a choice to me. It's the life of my baby, a baby that I want so much, and I didn't have to think about it even for a second. I am NOT going to let this child come to risk."
"Mon…" Chandler softly said and put his hand on her arm. "And what if you die? What if you have a healthy baby and then die? Think about what's best for BOTH of your children, you're about to leave them with no mother! Do you really want that?"
"Of COURSE I don't!" Monica objected angrily from her tears. "Chandler give it up already, I know how you feel about this but it is NOT your decision to make! It is MINE, and I've already made it. I made it instantly."
"You're wrong, Mon…" Chandler said. "This IS my decision to make, just as much as it is yours. This is my WIFE you're risking the life of, here."
"Chandler…" Monica said with an annoyed sigh, trying to dry her tears again.
"Monica you may or may not realize this, but it is *I* who am going to have to live with the consequences of your choice in this matter. I'M the one who's gonna loose a wife if you decide to not have the treatment, I'm the one who's going to be left alone to take care of our children and my life, and you know that I CAN'T deal with life without you!"
"Would you rather have a wife who is so consumed with guilt that your whole marriage falls apart?" Monica asked stubbornly.
"What would you have to be guilty about? Trying to save your life? Mon, do you in fact realize that you and a child with brain damages makes TWO lives, while just a healthy child makes only ONE. Two lives over one, Monica, then it doesn't matter to me if our son or daughter isn't like all the other children. I'm gonna love him or her just as much anyway."
"I know you will, but this has to do with me being able to handle a situation like that or not! I'd have to spend the rest of my life knowing that my daughter or son is… not normal… because of ME!"
"At least he or she would know his or her mother!" Chandler objected.
"Chandler this is the best solution for everyone!" Monica said. "The baby will be born healthy and I'll still have a chance of survival."
"Says who?"
"DAMN it, Chandler!" Monica cried. "What are you trying to DO to me?"
"Save your life! Monica, don't you realize that in order for the pregnancy to go well, YOU have got to be well? If you're sick in cancer and not doing squad about it, then how is your body going to be able to take care of the baby? And labour, what about that, Monica? Do you think you'll be strong enough after three months to go through labour? Because I sure don't think you'll be!"
"Thank you for your support" Monica said angrily and quietly, while rising from the couch. She went to the bedroom and closed the door hard.
Chandler got up from the couch and left.
*
"Mr. Bing, it's late, can we take this tomorrow?" the doctor said with a sigh, and rubbed the red marks on his nose that his glasses had left.
"No, we can't. I've gotta know!" Chandler said, annoyed. "What are my wife's chances of survival?"
"If she decides to take the treatment they're pretty good. I'd say around 78% chance."
"Well that door is one she has closed, locked and barricaded with a bookshelf" Chandler hissed. "What are her chances if she waits for the baby to be born?"
"Non-existing" the doctor said. "Normally three months wouldn't be THAT critical, but she's pregnant. And her body is going to automatically use it's resources on the fetus, especially now that she won't have much anyhow. And with labour and everything, her body will in no way be able to pull through the disease. I'm sorry, Mr. Bing. But your wife is going to have to make a choice."
"And if she takes the medicine, what's the affect on the baby?" Chandler asked, sitting down on a chair.
"Hard to say. These are pretty heavy medications we're talking about, Mr. Bing. It's hard enough for her own body to handle them. And the baby might not be able to handle them at all."
"So in other words treatments means abortion."
"Mind your words, Mr. Bing" the doctor said, annoyed.
"Fine, sorry. But if the baby doesn't die from them? Will it end up with three arms, five ears, what?"
"Mr. Bing, I hope you didn't mean that last bit seriously…" the doctor said with a sigh. "Did you know that a fetus pretty soon gets all of it's body parts? Legs and arms and head and fingers? The larger part of the pregnancy is just the baby growing larger, and in the end it develops it's lungs. Your wife is in month six, the chances of her having a physically deformed child are just as small as her chances of survival if she waits for the baby to be born."
"What about brain damages? Things like that?"
"Possible" the doctor said. "But it may not be in the way you're thinking, it might have affect on the other organs. Your baby might be deaf. Or blind. For example. Or problems with concentration, understanding, things like that. And then there are things like Cerebral Pares, of course."
"Bet you wouldn't be willing to tell my wife the bit about brain damage, only leave out the Cerebral Pares bit, huh?" Chandler said with a sigh. "Too bad, because as long as she thinks the baby will be okay--"
"I can't treat a patient that way" the doctor objected. "She has got to be informed of all the risks before she makes a decision."
"Well then…" Chandler said with a sigh, "is there any way *I* can decide in this matter? Shouldn't her husband's opinion matter? Can't you just… claim she's not in a mental state that she's capable of making a rational decision?"
"Illegal" the doctor said. "Unless it really is true, but she's very well aware of things and she is fully capable of making that kind of decision."
"No she's not, 'cause if she would be she wouldn't be making the WRONG one!"
"Well I won't claim she's not. And to be honest Mr. Bing, if you went through with that idea I don't think she'd ever forgive you."
"Unfortunately I think you're right about that…" Chandler said with a sigh. Then he thought of something. "Doctor, can I ask you another question?"
*
Monica had calmed down, and it had been a while since she stopped crying. She was laying in bed with a magazine, feeling lonely and miserable. She had heard Chandler leave. And it had hurt.
She slowly stroke her stomach and whispered to the baby inside.
'Don't worry… Mommy's NOT gonna fail you! I'm not gonna let you get killed or hurt.'
She heard the door open and close and felt a wave of stubbornness come over her. She sure wasn't going to urge him in any way. She was gonna give him the silent treatment and show to him in every way that she was displeased with him. It had been over a year and a half since the last time they even had a bigger disagreement about something, and that made Monica feel even worse. She wasn't used to arguing with him. And she needed him now, she needed him to be on her side, not to fight her.
She rolled over to her own side and decided not to turn her back at him. That would be too obvious. She wanted to ignore him without really showing him how mad she was. She turned the lights off and stubbornly stared at the ceiling.
The room got lighter when Chandler entered. He wasn't ready for bed, even though it was past ten and he had an early morning the next day. Monica could see that he still had all of his clothes on right before she closed her eyes. She hoped he would think she was asleep, but if he knew she was awake it didn't really matter.
She felt and heard how he sat down on the other side of the bed and then lay down on top of the covers. Then she felt his hand carefully touching her stomach, and his lips giving her a soft kiss on the cheer. She felt even more angry. She didn't want his affection just like that. He couldn't think he could treat her the way he had earlier, and then just expect her to be willing to let kiss come before make up.
She could tell that he placed his head next to hers and heard him groan slightly. She got even more angry, since he seemed to be planning on sleeping cuddly with her tonight. She did find it a bit strange that he was still in the same outfit he'd worn to work that day. He hadn't even taken off his jacket.
"Mon?" she heard him say. "You awake?"
"Leave me alone, Chandler" she hissed, not opening her eyes.
"Listen, I want you to listen to me, okay?"
"Are you gonna sleep in those clothes?" Monica angrily asked.
"No, why?"
"Then go get ready for bed. I wanna go to sleep. You're gonna disturb me if you stay up for ages and then come to bed."
Chandler looked at her, startled. He hadn't expected to get an attitude from her. He thought she'd just been hurt and frustrated, but that it would have worn over by now.
'So much for kiss and make up' he thought, and got off the bed. When he got back ten minutes later, she was asleep. He didn't have the heart to wake her up.
*
The next day Chandler got hurt when he realized that she still wasn't in any forgiving mood. She didn't say a single word to him during the entire morning. A nod was the most he got out of her before she left with Regina to take her to daycare. Monica still went to work every day, but working only half-time.
Chandler didn't expect much when he got home later that evening. Monica had never been this stubborn with him. Sure, she had been mad for longer times than this, but she had at least answered him and talked to him. Now she didn't do either. And Chandler couldn't for his life figure out why.
They had dinner with Regina in silence. Regina looked from one parent to the other, noticing that something was up. But neither of her parents spoke to the other one, so it wasn't easy to figure out what. She decided to let it go, and to go over to Rachel and Joey's as soon as she had finished dinner. She had never experienced her parents fighting since she was an infant, and she had no memory of that. This was all new and creepy to her. Her parents were always so happy and so warm towards each other. Now they were cold and silent.
Chandler took care of the dishes when Regina hurried over to Joey's. He was trying to come up with something to say to Monica, but nothing he could think of sounded any good. He had to tell her what he'd talked with the doctor about the night before, but he didn't want to do that without knowing she was listening and reacting. He needed a response from her.
Monica left him to take care of the dishes and took a bath. She locked the door behind her, something she hadn't done in years when only she and Chandler were home. She didn't want to be bothered by him.
Chandler sighed heavily when he heard her lock the door. But then he made up his mind. Once she got out of the bathtub, he would talk to her. He would force her in some way to listen. And then they could talk about what Monica still was mad about.
He finished the dishes and waited for her to be done. He had to wait for almost an hour, and he'd gotten pretty annoyed by the time she exited the bathroom in a towel. Her robe was too small for her now, and she thought a maternity robe would be stupid.
"Monica come here and sit on the couch" Chandler said to her. "And don't ignore me, I have something IMPORTANT to talk to you about."
Monica angrily walked past him. She had no intention of listening to whatever he had to say. She was too busy trying to stay mad at him.
"It's a solution to our problem!" Chandler tried. "A way in which we can both have it our way!"
Monica stopped when she heard that. It sounded really good. She turned and gave him a suspicious look.
"Oh don't give me that look…" Chandler said with a slight chuckle. "I'm serious, so come over here and park yourself on the couch."
Monica went over and sat down.
"As I said… I found a solution to our problem."
"What is it?" Monica asked.
"It's simple. Induced labour."
"You're telling me WHAT?" Monica said with a raised eyebrow.
"We induce labour. It's as simple as that" Chandler said, shrugging his shoulders. "Then the baby won't get affected by your treatment."
"It's out of the question" Monica said and tried to rise, but it wasn't as simple when she was wrapped in a towel and pregnant.
"Sit down again" Chandler said, grabbing her arm and gently pulling her down again. "Look, I don't mean that we've gotta do it next week! But I spoke to your doctor and he said that you can wait a month or so and then induce labour."
"Chandler the baby will die if we do that."
"It will not."
"It will so!" Monica objected. "Come on, he or she is gonna be so tiny!"
"Babies are born a lot earlier than month seven!" Chandler protested. "And those children are just fine!"
"But there's a major risk!" Monica said. "And the answer is no, I am NOT taking any risks!"
"Listen, sweetheart…" Chandler said, starting to get a little panicked. He knew this was his only shot. "Honey, we can talk to the doctor. We can have a whole damn army of doctors and midwifes there when you give birth, we can make absolutely sure that the risks are down to a minimum! I mean, doesn't this sound like just the perfect solution? You and the baby can both survive and be fine, you can recover from your disease and we'll be a very happy family! With a new baby who hasn't got a single problem in the world, no blindness, no concentration difficulties… and none of the other damages you're scared he or she might get! Only our baby will be born in January instead of March!"
Monica smiled slightly, forgetting she was supposed to be mad at him.
"And the doctor says this will work?"
"It's our only shot to have both you and the baby recover safely."
"Okay" Monica finally agreed. "Okay, I'll do it."
"Fantastic!"
Chandler's face broke into a smile and he leaned over to her and gave her a warm hug. He kissed her hungrily and lovingly.
"Just one more thing…" he said.
"What?"
"As soon as possible they'd like for you to have yourself admitted to the hospital. So they can keep tabs on you and the baby."
"Well what about Christmas?" Monica asked, slightly worried.
"They didn't say you had to go there right away…" Chandler said. "But on the other hand, today is only December 8th, Christmas is 17 days away. And 17 days is a lot, after all… Over two weeks."
"Maybe we should just wait and see" Monica suggested. Then she hugged him harder. "Thank you so much, Chandler!"
"You're welcome. Although I don't really know what I'm being thanked for. I like it, though!"
Monica laughed slightly and kissed him on the cheek, then hugged him close again.
"For actually listening to me. For not just brushing away my thoughts on this like you did when I first told you the other day. And for finding a solution that will make everything okay!"
Chandler kissed her lovingly. He found it hard to believe that she was so sick again. That she might die. She seemed so well, even though she was weary and had a headache. It was hard to imagine that she was so fragile, that she might be taken from him soon. He felt an urge he couldn't resist and helped her to her feet. He led her to the bedroom and let her towel fall to the floor.
*
Monica frowned, not knowing what to say to the little girl sitting on the coffee table in front of her. She knew they had to tell her. Regina had to know. But it had been tough enough the first time around, and now Regina was old enough to actually understand in some way what was going on. That her mother might in fact die.
Chandler was equally concerned over what to tell her. He sat next to Monica and looked at his daughter, unable to help feeling like he was letting her down. He had always told her that nothing bad would happen to her and everything else that a parent told their child, but loosing her mother was definitely something bad. Chandler was scared that Regina would loose her faith in her parents.
Regina was looking from one parent to the other. It was pretty clear that they had something important to tell her, and it made her feel very uncomfortable. She had no idea what it was about. Mommy looked uncomfortable and Daddy looked nervous. It did not seem good.
"What's wrong?" she asked. Her mother and father shared a look, then looked at her.
"Well…" Monica began, but then quieted.
Chandler took a deep breath and decided to be the one to break the news.
"Regina," he began, "do you remember a few years ago when mommy was very sick?"
"Sort of…" Regina answered, her guard up.
"Well, see the thing is…" Chandler said. "Mommy's sick again."
"You mean like the flue?" Regina said hopefully.
"No, I mean like she was a few years ago."
Regina looked at her mother, unable to understand. Her mother didn't look any more sick than she had just a few days ago. Now she nodded.
"It's true, sweetie" she said and bit her lower lip. "I am very, very sick…"
Regina looked from one of them to the other, not really understanding. So her mother was sick, but what exactly did that mean? She saw the look in her parents' eyes, but didn't want to believe what she thought they meant.
"What are you saying?" she asked, getting worked up.
"We're saying…" her father said, then sighed before he continued. "We're saying that honey, your mother is very, very sick and she has to go to a hospital where they can take care of her and the baby."
"Is the baby sick too?" Regina asked, hoping her little sibling was all right. She was really starting to like the thought of becoming a big sister.
"No" her mother assured her. "No, baby's fine. But we don't want anything bad to happen to he or she, do we?"
"No" Regina agreed. "But why do you have to be in a hospital? Why can't you be at home? Daddy can take care of you!"
"I can't, sweetie" Chandler said. "The disease that your mother has got is the kind that only doctors can take care of. There is nothing I can do for her here at home."
Regina looked from one of them to the other a couple of times.
"You're not gonna be home this Christmas, are you?" she then stated to her mother.
Monica bit her lower lip and nodded. She looked away and tried to keep her tears back. She didn't want to start crying in front of her daughter, that would only make Regina scared.
"When are you going to come home again?" Regina asked.
"We… don't know that yet" Chandler said, sounding more sad than Regina had ever heard him before. "Regina, the truth is… Mommy may not come home again."
"WHAT?" Regina asked.
"He's telling the truth, honey" Monica said, getting control over her tears and turning back to look at the girl. "Mommy's got cancer. And some people die from cancer."
"No!" Regina said stubbornly. "Daddy won't let you!"
"I don't want Mommy to die" Chandler said. "But there's little I can do. But remember that Mommy has had this before, and she survived that time. So there's nothing that says she won't survive this time as well."
He knew that it was untrue, and it was the first time he'd ever told a lie to her. But he couldn't tell his daughter the whole situation and describe how her mother might die just because she was pregnant and didn't want to harm the baby. It was a white lie, but it felt strange to say it.
"What about baby?" Regina asked. "What's going to happen to him or her?"
"Well, once the baby is born they're going to keep him or her at the hospital for a while" Chandler explained. "And then we can take him or her home. And mommy will hopefully be doing a lot better by that time, so she can hopefully come home shortly after."
"Is mommy going to be away for that long?" Regina asked with a sigh. "You said it was long after Christmas that the baby's going to be born!"
"That may change" Monica said. "In fact, it WILL change. The baby's going to be born as soon as it's possible for it to survive."
Regina looked confused. She didn't really understand the concept of birth and she found it odd enough that her brother or sister was actually inside of her mother. All this talk about how the baby would be born as soon as it could survive just made her head spin.
"We don't need to talk about this anymore now" Chandler said. "Unless Gina you have something you want to ask us. Or something you want to say to us."
Regina looked at her mother.
"I don't want you to die" she said.
There was a knock on the door. Ross entered along with Dana, his new wife. Ross knew what had happened, and he was going to take Regina with him to see Ben, while Monica and Chandler told the others.
Chandler and Monica watched Regina leave with her uncle. Monica then turned to Chandler with sad eyes.
"Oh I really hope this will all work as it should…" she said, sounding very small and vulnerable. "All I want is to get to see Regina grow up. That's the only wish I have, Chandler. And to get to know my unborn son or daughter."
Chandler gave her a hug.
"Don't you worry. You'll get to know him or her. And you're going to be there every step of Regina's life until she gets older and moves out. I mean, everything from baby teeth to prom dates to makeup to driver's license… You'll get to see it all."
Monica smiled slightly.
"Chandler. I sure hope you're right."
"I am" Chandler assured her. For the first time since she'd told him about her being sick again, he felt hopeful and happy. Things were nowhere near as bad as they had seemed at first, they could have both the baby and Monica's safety. They didn't have to risk one for the other.
Monica let him hug her and partly wished that the baby was already born. She wished she had gotten pregnant a few months earlier. Or sick a few months later. But right now what she wanted more than anything was to get to hug Chandler tight and to feel her entire body press up against his. Her big stomach was in the way. She missed it so much, to get to go to bed at night and snuggle close, putting her arm around his chest and her head against his shoulder. She had forgotten this part of pregnancy, to miss being able to be that close to him. And anyone else, for that matter. Whenever someone hugged her these days her stomach was in the way.
She smiled slightly to herself and made up her mind that that would be the first thing she did once she got back home from the hospital, once the baby was born. She would put her arms around Chandler and press him close, and kiss him lovingly. She missed being able to do that so much.
Chandler's hand slowly stroke her hair. She had had it cut again, why he didn't know. It was just barely touching her shoulders. Chandler had hoped she would let it grow as long as it had been when they got married, when he would feel her hair against his hand when he stroke her on the back. Now he had to go all the way up to her shoulders for that.
Monica felt a big headache coming, and she knew what was the cause of it. Reality hit her once again and she realized that there still was a chance that she would die. And that the nearest couple of months wouldn't be easy for any of them, especially not for her. But she still felt very confident. Chandler's idea with inducing labour when she was in her seventh month was what could save both hers and her new baby's life.
She pulled Chandler a little closer and smiled. She was starting to feel like everything was going to work out okay.
Review and tell me what you think. And keep in mind that if some of the medical stuff makes no sense that's 'cause I wrote this when I was 17, and I'm not exactly a MD... And once again I would like to as Me why on earth you keep on reading this if you don't like it? Just read the humour fics if that's the only kind you like... :)
INTRODUCTION: I don't really have too much to say, just that if you haven't read the first 7 parts this might be confusing for you... :)!
DISCLAIMER: This is starting to get old, everyone knows I don't own the characters from "Friends"...
"What's the matter, honey?" Chandler asked and sat down on the couch next to her, taking her hands. Regina was now in bed and almost asleep.
"I… got some… disturbing news today…" Monica said.
"You did? When?"
"Just now. At the doctor's."
"Is something the matter?" Chandler asked, worried.
Monica made a face and looked sad.
"Honey!" Chandler said, upset and anxious. "What is wrong? Something is wrong, isn't it? Is it the baby?"
Monica didn't answer.
"Come on honey, talk to me here, you're kinda' freaking me out! Is something the matter with our baby, is, is it a defection of some kind? Is the baby DEAD? You're not having Siamese twins, are you?"
Monica couldn't help but to laugh a little.
"No Chandler, I am not having Siamese twins. I think they would have detected that a long time ago if that were the case."
"But it is something about the baby, am I right?"
Monica looked sad again.
"I found out today at the doctor's…"
"Yes I know, you said that already!"
"I was talking about some things, nothing special really, mostly just how I've been feeling since last time I was there and things like that."
"And… ?"
Monica smiled sadly when she saw the look in his eyes. He was worrying out of his mind, letting his imagination get the best of him.
"Chandler, I… don't know how to say this…" she said, thinking back on her doctor's appointment.
"Whatever it is…" Chandler said, taking her hand. "Just let me know. And we'll work it out."
Monica pulled her hand back and looked up at the ceiling, fighting to keep her tears at bay.
"Chandler I'm sick again."
"You, you need to vomit?" Chandler asked, anxiously. "You want me to get you some water?"
"No, Chandler I'm SICK again!"
Chandler looked into her eyes and slowly realized what she was saying.
"How, how do you mean 'sick'?" he asked, hoping she would give him any other answer than what he realized might be the truth.
"I've gotten cancer again."
"But how, I mean, it doesn't, how, I…" Chandler said, starting a number of sentences at the same time, confused and in shock. "I thought they said you COULDN'T become sick again!"
"No, they THOUGHT I wouldn't!" Monica corrected him. "But I did. I am sick again, Chandler. The only thing I don't know if it's leukemia or some other form of cancer, I didn't hear that part, but that's not important!"
"Well…" Chandler said, shaking his head slightly. "I mean… Are they SURE?"
"They wouldn't say anything definite unless they were."
"Okay, this is going to be all right!" Chandler said, feeling a bit calmer when he looked at it rationally. "I mean, you've beaten it before, you'll do it again! I KNOW you can! We'll just get you started on the treatment right away, and--"
"Chandler" Monica interrupted him. "I'm not going to have any treatment."
"WHAT?" Chandler bawled. "Have you completely lost your MIND?"
"I can't, Chandler!" Her voice broke and a tear fell down her cheek. "Chandler I CAN'T have any treatment!"
"I know it was difficult, I know it was tough, but PLEASE Monica!" Chandler said. "Otherwise you'll DIE!"
"I don't care!"
"Well maybe you don't, but I sure as hell do!" Chandler bawled, seriously upset.
"Chandler, quiet, you're gonna wake Regina!"
"Yeah, well YOU'RE gonna make her motherless!" Chandler sharply replied.
"Don't you see that I have no CHOICE?"
"That is bullshit Monica, you beat it before and you are going to go through the treatment this time as well!"
"But I CAN'T!"
"Did the doctor tell you this?"
Monica turned her face away from him, then muttered a no.
"Excuse me, I didn't hear!" Chandler sharply said.
"I said 'NO!" Monica said. "No, he did not tell me I couldn't have the treatment."
"Then why are YOU saying you can't have the treatment?"
"Chandler please, don't be MAD at me!"
"Well then don't turn me into a widower!"
"You don't know that I'll die!"
"Damn you Monica, you are going to have the treatment and cure this disease, because I will NOT let you give up on yourself!" Chandler roared.
"But Chandler I am PREGNANT!" Monica yelled back, even though she knew Regina was asleep. "What about the BABY?"
Chandler realized in a second and sank in his posture.
"The baby…"
"Yes, the baby, Chandler!" Monica said, still crying slightly. "Chandler the baby can't handle heavy medication! It's going to die or it's going to get brain damages or something! I can't RISK that, don't you see?"
"And instead you risk you?" Chandler stated, but no longer angry. Just resigned.
"Nothing says I'll die!" Monica objected.
"Oh of COURSE you will!" Chandler hissed. "Damn it Monica, what did you expect, huh? The baby's due in March, it's only December right now, that's three more months! You CANNOT wait that long!"
"Chandler it is MY decision and it is MY choice."
"Decision and choice is the same thing."
"Whatever. I won't do anything to risk this baby's health, do you understand that Chandler? NOTHING to risk it!"
"How can you put the health of an unborn child above your LIFE?" Chandler asked, not understanding her choice.
"What kind of a mother am I otherwise? Wouldn't you risk your life for Regina?"
"That's not the same thing!" Chandler objected. "That would be a life for a life, this is a life for a soon-to-be life."
"There isn't anything different in it to me!" Monica said. "Chandler do you think I want to die? I don't! I really, really don't, I'm so afraid of dying that I'm about to loose it in any second!"
"Well then WHY?"
"Because I couldn't possibly live with myself if I got a miscarriage or we had a baby with a brain damage. I couldn't live with myself knowing that our child could have been perfectly healthy and fine, but I put my own health above his or her entire LIFE!"
"I'd rather have you and a child with brain damage than no you and a healthy child." Chandler said.
Monica broke into tears again, and couldn't speak for about a minute. Then she tried to dry her tears.
"You're being unfair!" she whispered. "This is my choice, Chandler. And it's not even a choice to me. It's the life of my baby, a baby that I want so much, and I didn't have to think about it even for a second. I am NOT going to let this child come to risk."
"Mon…" Chandler softly said and put his hand on her arm. "And what if you die? What if you have a healthy baby and then die? Think about what's best for BOTH of your children, you're about to leave them with no mother! Do you really want that?"
"Of COURSE I don't!" Monica objected angrily from her tears. "Chandler give it up already, I know how you feel about this but it is NOT your decision to make! It is MINE, and I've already made it. I made it instantly."
"You're wrong, Mon…" Chandler said. "This IS my decision to make, just as much as it is yours. This is my WIFE you're risking the life of, here."
"Chandler…" Monica said with an annoyed sigh, trying to dry her tears again.
"Monica you may or may not realize this, but it is *I* who am going to have to live with the consequences of your choice in this matter. I'M the one who's gonna loose a wife if you decide to not have the treatment, I'm the one who's going to be left alone to take care of our children and my life, and you know that I CAN'T deal with life without you!"
"Would you rather have a wife who is so consumed with guilt that your whole marriage falls apart?" Monica asked stubbornly.
"What would you have to be guilty about? Trying to save your life? Mon, do you in fact realize that you and a child with brain damages makes TWO lives, while just a healthy child makes only ONE. Two lives over one, Monica, then it doesn't matter to me if our son or daughter isn't like all the other children. I'm gonna love him or her just as much anyway."
"I know you will, but this has to do with me being able to handle a situation like that or not! I'd have to spend the rest of my life knowing that my daughter or son is… not normal… because of ME!"
"At least he or she would know his or her mother!" Chandler objected.
"Chandler this is the best solution for everyone!" Monica said. "The baby will be born healthy and I'll still have a chance of survival."
"Says who?"
"DAMN it, Chandler!" Monica cried. "What are you trying to DO to me?"
"Save your life! Monica, don't you realize that in order for the pregnancy to go well, YOU have got to be well? If you're sick in cancer and not doing squad about it, then how is your body going to be able to take care of the baby? And labour, what about that, Monica? Do you think you'll be strong enough after three months to go through labour? Because I sure don't think you'll be!"
"Thank you for your support" Monica said angrily and quietly, while rising from the couch. She went to the bedroom and closed the door hard.
Chandler got up from the couch and left.
*
"Mr. Bing, it's late, can we take this tomorrow?" the doctor said with a sigh, and rubbed the red marks on his nose that his glasses had left.
"No, we can't. I've gotta know!" Chandler said, annoyed. "What are my wife's chances of survival?"
"If she decides to take the treatment they're pretty good. I'd say around 78% chance."
"Well that door is one she has closed, locked and barricaded with a bookshelf" Chandler hissed. "What are her chances if she waits for the baby to be born?"
"Non-existing" the doctor said. "Normally three months wouldn't be THAT critical, but she's pregnant. And her body is going to automatically use it's resources on the fetus, especially now that she won't have much anyhow. And with labour and everything, her body will in no way be able to pull through the disease. I'm sorry, Mr. Bing. But your wife is going to have to make a choice."
"And if she takes the medicine, what's the affect on the baby?" Chandler asked, sitting down on a chair.
"Hard to say. These are pretty heavy medications we're talking about, Mr. Bing. It's hard enough for her own body to handle them. And the baby might not be able to handle them at all."
"So in other words treatments means abortion."
"Mind your words, Mr. Bing" the doctor said, annoyed.
"Fine, sorry. But if the baby doesn't die from them? Will it end up with three arms, five ears, what?"
"Mr. Bing, I hope you didn't mean that last bit seriously…" the doctor said with a sigh. "Did you know that a fetus pretty soon gets all of it's body parts? Legs and arms and head and fingers? The larger part of the pregnancy is just the baby growing larger, and in the end it develops it's lungs. Your wife is in month six, the chances of her having a physically deformed child are just as small as her chances of survival if she waits for the baby to be born."
"What about brain damages? Things like that?"
"Possible" the doctor said. "But it may not be in the way you're thinking, it might have affect on the other organs. Your baby might be deaf. Or blind. For example. Or problems with concentration, understanding, things like that. And then there are things like Cerebral Pares, of course."
"Bet you wouldn't be willing to tell my wife the bit about brain damage, only leave out the Cerebral Pares bit, huh?" Chandler said with a sigh. "Too bad, because as long as she thinks the baby will be okay--"
"I can't treat a patient that way" the doctor objected. "She has got to be informed of all the risks before she makes a decision."
"Well then…" Chandler said with a sigh, "is there any way *I* can decide in this matter? Shouldn't her husband's opinion matter? Can't you just… claim she's not in a mental state that she's capable of making a rational decision?"
"Illegal" the doctor said. "Unless it really is true, but she's very well aware of things and she is fully capable of making that kind of decision."
"No she's not, 'cause if she would be she wouldn't be making the WRONG one!"
"Well I won't claim she's not. And to be honest Mr. Bing, if you went through with that idea I don't think she'd ever forgive you."
"Unfortunately I think you're right about that…" Chandler said with a sigh. Then he thought of something. "Doctor, can I ask you another question?"
*
Monica had calmed down, and it had been a while since she stopped crying. She was laying in bed with a magazine, feeling lonely and miserable. She had heard Chandler leave. And it had hurt.
She slowly stroke her stomach and whispered to the baby inside.
'Don't worry… Mommy's NOT gonna fail you! I'm not gonna let you get killed or hurt.'
She heard the door open and close and felt a wave of stubbornness come over her. She sure wasn't going to urge him in any way. She was gonna give him the silent treatment and show to him in every way that she was displeased with him. It had been over a year and a half since the last time they even had a bigger disagreement about something, and that made Monica feel even worse. She wasn't used to arguing with him. And she needed him now, she needed him to be on her side, not to fight her.
She rolled over to her own side and decided not to turn her back at him. That would be too obvious. She wanted to ignore him without really showing him how mad she was. She turned the lights off and stubbornly stared at the ceiling.
The room got lighter when Chandler entered. He wasn't ready for bed, even though it was past ten and he had an early morning the next day. Monica could see that he still had all of his clothes on right before she closed her eyes. She hoped he would think she was asleep, but if he knew she was awake it didn't really matter.
She felt and heard how he sat down on the other side of the bed and then lay down on top of the covers. Then she felt his hand carefully touching her stomach, and his lips giving her a soft kiss on the cheer. She felt even more angry. She didn't want his affection just like that. He couldn't think he could treat her the way he had earlier, and then just expect her to be willing to let kiss come before make up.
She could tell that he placed his head next to hers and heard him groan slightly. She got even more angry, since he seemed to be planning on sleeping cuddly with her tonight. She did find it a bit strange that he was still in the same outfit he'd worn to work that day. He hadn't even taken off his jacket.
"Mon?" she heard him say. "You awake?"
"Leave me alone, Chandler" she hissed, not opening her eyes.
"Listen, I want you to listen to me, okay?"
"Are you gonna sleep in those clothes?" Monica angrily asked.
"No, why?"
"Then go get ready for bed. I wanna go to sleep. You're gonna disturb me if you stay up for ages and then come to bed."
Chandler looked at her, startled. He hadn't expected to get an attitude from her. He thought she'd just been hurt and frustrated, but that it would have worn over by now.
'So much for kiss and make up' he thought, and got off the bed. When he got back ten minutes later, she was asleep. He didn't have the heart to wake her up.
*
The next day Chandler got hurt when he realized that she still wasn't in any forgiving mood. She didn't say a single word to him during the entire morning. A nod was the most he got out of her before she left with Regina to take her to daycare. Monica still went to work every day, but working only half-time.
Chandler didn't expect much when he got home later that evening. Monica had never been this stubborn with him. Sure, she had been mad for longer times than this, but she had at least answered him and talked to him. Now she didn't do either. And Chandler couldn't for his life figure out why.
They had dinner with Regina in silence. Regina looked from one parent to the other, noticing that something was up. But neither of her parents spoke to the other one, so it wasn't easy to figure out what. She decided to let it go, and to go over to Rachel and Joey's as soon as she had finished dinner. She had never experienced her parents fighting since she was an infant, and she had no memory of that. This was all new and creepy to her. Her parents were always so happy and so warm towards each other. Now they were cold and silent.
Chandler took care of the dishes when Regina hurried over to Joey's. He was trying to come up with something to say to Monica, but nothing he could think of sounded any good. He had to tell her what he'd talked with the doctor about the night before, but he didn't want to do that without knowing she was listening and reacting. He needed a response from her.
Monica left him to take care of the dishes and took a bath. She locked the door behind her, something she hadn't done in years when only she and Chandler were home. She didn't want to be bothered by him.
Chandler sighed heavily when he heard her lock the door. But then he made up his mind. Once she got out of the bathtub, he would talk to her. He would force her in some way to listen. And then they could talk about what Monica still was mad about.
He finished the dishes and waited for her to be done. He had to wait for almost an hour, and he'd gotten pretty annoyed by the time she exited the bathroom in a towel. Her robe was too small for her now, and she thought a maternity robe would be stupid.
"Monica come here and sit on the couch" Chandler said to her. "And don't ignore me, I have something IMPORTANT to talk to you about."
Monica angrily walked past him. She had no intention of listening to whatever he had to say. She was too busy trying to stay mad at him.
"It's a solution to our problem!" Chandler tried. "A way in which we can both have it our way!"
Monica stopped when she heard that. It sounded really good. She turned and gave him a suspicious look.
"Oh don't give me that look…" Chandler said with a slight chuckle. "I'm serious, so come over here and park yourself on the couch."
Monica went over and sat down.
"As I said… I found a solution to our problem."
"What is it?" Monica asked.
"It's simple. Induced labour."
"You're telling me WHAT?" Monica said with a raised eyebrow.
"We induce labour. It's as simple as that" Chandler said, shrugging his shoulders. "Then the baby won't get affected by your treatment."
"It's out of the question" Monica said and tried to rise, but it wasn't as simple when she was wrapped in a towel and pregnant.
"Sit down again" Chandler said, grabbing her arm and gently pulling her down again. "Look, I don't mean that we've gotta do it next week! But I spoke to your doctor and he said that you can wait a month or so and then induce labour."
"Chandler the baby will die if we do that."
"It will not."
"It will so!" Monica objected. "Come on, he or she is gonna be so tiny!"
"Babies are born a lot earlier than month seven!" Chandler protested. "And those children are just fine!"
"But there's a major risk!" Monica said. "And the answer is no, I am NOT taking any risks!"
"Listen, sweetheart…" Chandler said, starting to get a little panicked. He knew this was his only shot. "Honey, we can talk to the doctor. We can have a whole damn army of doctors and midwifes there when you give birth, we can make absolutely sure that the risks are down to a minimum! I mean, doesn't this sound like just the perfect solution? You and the baby can both survive and be fine, you can recover from your disease and we'll be a very happy family! With a new baby who hasn't got a single problem in the world, no blindness, no concentration difficulties… and none of the other damages you're scared he or she might get! Only our baby will be born in January instead of March!"
Monica smiled slightly, forgetting she was supposed to be mad at him.
"And the doctor says this will work?"
"It's our only shot to have both you and the baby recover safely."
"Okay" Monica finally agreed. "Okay, I'll do it."
"Fantastic!"
Chandler's face broke into a smile and he leaned over to her and gave her a warm hug. He kissed her hungrily and lovingly.
"Just one more thing…" he said.
"What?"
"As soon as possible they'd like for you to have yourself admitted to the hospital. So they can keep tabs on you and the baby."
"Well what about Christmas?" Monica asked, slightly worried.
"They didn't say you had to go there right away…" Chandler said. "But on the other hand, today is only December 8th, Christmas is 17 days away. And 17 days is a lot, after all… Over two weeks."
"Maybe we should just wait and see" Monica suggested. Then she hugged him harder. "Thank you so much, Chandler!"
"You're welcome. Although I don't really know what I'm being thanked for. I like it, though!"
Monica laughed slightly and kissed him on the cheek, then hugged him close again.
"For actually listening to me. For not just brushing away my thoughts on this like you did when I first told you the other day. And for finding a solution that will make everything okay!"
Chandler kissed her lovingly. He found it hard to believe that she was so sick again. That she might die. She seemed so well, even though she was weary and had a headache. It was hard to imagine that she was so fragile, that she might be taken from him soon. He felt an urge he couldn't resist and helped her to her feet. He led her to the bedroom and let her towel fall to the floor.
*
Monica frowned, not knowing what to say to the little girl sitting on the coffee table in front of her. She knew they had to tell her. Regina had to know. But it had been tough enough the first time around, and now Regina was old enough to actually understand in some way what was going on. That her mother might in fact die.
Chandler was equally concerned over what to tell her. He sat next to Monica and looked at his daughter, unable to help feeling like he was letting her down. He had always told her that nothing bad would happen to her and everything else that a parent told their child, but loosing her mother was definitely something bad. Chandler was scared that Regina would loose her faith in her parents.
Regina was looking from one parent to the other. It was pretty clear that they had something important to tell her, and it made her feel very uncomfortable. She had no idea what it was about. Mommy looked uncomfortable and Daddy looked nervous. It did not seem good.
"What's wrong?" she asked. Her mother and father shared a look, then looked at her.
"Well…" Monica began, but then quieted.
Chandler took a deep breath and decided to be the one to break the news.
"Regina," he began, "do you remember a few years ago when mommy was very sick?"
"Sort of…" Regina answered, her guard up.
"Well, see the thing is…" Chandler said. "Mommy's sick again."
"You mean like the flue?" Regina said hopefully.
"No, I mean like she was a few years ago."
Regina looked at her mother, unable to understand. Her mother didn't look any more sick than she had just a few days ago. Now she nodded.
"It's true, sweetie" she said and bit her lower lip. "I am very, very sick…"
Regina looked from one of them to the other, not really understanding. So her mother was sick, but what exactly did that mean? She saw the look in her parents' eyes, but didn't want to believe what she thought they meant.
"What are you saying?" she asked, getting worked up.
"We're saying…" her father said, then sighed before he continued. "We're saying that honey, your mother is very, very sick and she has to go to a hospital where they can take care of her and the baby."
"Is the baby sick too?" Regina asked, hoping her little sibling was all right. She was really starting to like the thought of becoming a big sister.
"No" her mother assured her. "No, baby's fine. But we don't want anything bad to happen to he or she, do we?"
"No" Regina agreed. "But why do you have to be in a hospital? Why can't you be at home? Daddy can take care of you!"
"I can't, sweetie" Chandler said. "The disease that your mother has got is the kind that only doctors can take care of. There is nothing I can do for her here at home."
Regina looked from one of them to the other a couple of times.
"You're not gonna be home this Christmas, are you?" she then stated to her mother.
Monica bit her lower lip and nodded. She looked away and tried to keep her tears back. She didn't want to start crying in front of her daughter, that would only make Regina scared.
"When are you going to come home again?" Regina asked.
"We… don't know that yet" Chandler said, sounding more sad than Regina had ever heard him before. "Regina, the truth is… Mommy may not come home again."
"WHAT?" Regina asked.
"He's telling the truth, honey" Monica said, getting control over her tears and turning back to look at the girl. "Mommy's got cancer. And some people die from cancer."
"No!" Regina said stubbornly. "Daddy won't let you!"
"I don't want Mommy to die" Chandler said. "But there's little I can do. But remember that Mommy has had this before, and she survived that time. So there's nothing that says she won't survive this time as well."
He knew that it was untrue, and it was the first time he'd ever told a lie to her. But he couldn't tell his daughter the whole situation and describe how her mother might die just because she was pregnant and didn't want to harm the baby. It was a white lie, but it felt strange to say it.
"What about baby?" Regina asked. "What's going to happen to him or her?"
"Well, once the baby is born they're going to keep him or her at the hospital for a while" Chandler explained. "And then we can take him or her home. And mommy will hopefully be doing a lot better by that time, so she can hopefully come home shortly after."
"Is mommy going to be away for that long?" Regina asked with a sigh. "You said it was long after Christmas that the baby's going to be born!"
"That may change" Monica said. "In fact, it WILL change. The baby's going to be born as soon as it's possible for it to survive."
Regina looked confused. She didn't really understand the concept of birth and she found it odd enough that her brother or sister was actually inside of her mother. All this talk about how the baby would be born as soon as it could survive just made her head spin.
"We don't need to talk about this anymore now" Chandler said. "Unless Gina you have something you want to ask us. Or something you want to say to us."
Regina looked at her mother.
"I don't want you to die" she said.
There was a knock on the door. Ross entered along with Dana, his new wife. Ross knew what had happened, and he was going to take Regina with him to see Ben, while Monica and Chandler told the others.
Chandler and Monica watched Regina leave with her uncle. Monica then turned to Chandler with sad eyes.
"Oh I really hope this will all work as it should…" she said, sounding very small and vulnerable. "All I want is to get to see Regina grow up. That's the only wish I have, Chandler. And to get to know my unborn son or daughter."
Chandler gave her a hug.
"Don't you worry. You'll get to know him or her. And you're going to be there every step of Regina's life until she gets older and moves out. I mean, everything from baby teeth to prom dates to makeup to driver's license… You'll get to see it all."
Monica smiled slightly.
"Chandler. I sure hope you're right."
"I am" Chandler assured her. For the first time since she'd told him about her being sick again, he felt hopeful and happy. Things were nowhere near as bad as they had seemed at first, they could have both the baby and Monica's safety. They didn't have to risk one for the other.
Monica let him hug her and partly wished that the baby was already born. She wished she had gotten pregnant a few months earlier. Or sick a few months later. But right now what she wanted more than anything was to get to hug Chandler tight and to feel her entire body press up against his. Her big stomach was in the way. She missed it so much, to get to go to bed at night and snuggle close, putting her arm around his chest and her head against his shoulder. She had forgotten this part of pregnancy, to miss being able to be that close to him. And anyone else, for that matter. Whenever someone hugged her these days her stomach was in the way.
She smiled slightly to herself and made up her mind that that would be the first thing she did once she got back home from the hospital, once the baby was born. She would put her arms around Chandler and press him close, and kiss him lovingly. She missed being able to do that so much.
Chandler's hand slowly stroke her hair. She had had it cut again, why he didn't know. It was just barely touching her shoulders. Chandler had hoped she would let it grow as long as it had been when they got married, when he would feel her hair against his hand when he stroke her on the back. Now he had to go all the way up to her shoulders for that.
Monica felt a big headache coming, and she knew what was the cause of it. Reality hit her once again and she realized that there still was a chance that she would die. And that the nearest couple of months wouldn't be easy for any of them, especially not for her. But she still felt very confident. Chandler's idea with inducing labour when she was in her seventh month was what could save both hers and her new baby's life.
She pulled Chandler a little closer and smiled. She was starting to feel like everything was going to work out okay.
Review and tell me what you think. And keep in mind that if some of the medical stuff makes no sense that's 'cause I wrote this when I was 17, and I'm not exactly a MD... And once again I would like to as Me why on earth you keep on reading this if you don't like it? Just read the humour fics if that's the only kind you like... :)