Always, 9
INTRODUCTION: The plot thickens... lol... Monica is now admitted to the hospital again, waiting for the baby to get stronger so they can induce...
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the "Friends" characters, I just use them in situations they'll probably never end up in on "Friends", LOL!
Monica had for some reason thought that the hospital room she would get this time would be just like the one she had a few years ago. This one was completely different, though.
The walls weren't white as they had been in the other room. They were painted in a shade that Monica called Hospital Green. And the floors were in the same color, making the room seem awfully dark. There was a window with no curtains, and no plastic flowers in vases. It wouldn't matter much anyway because the window was to her right, so she wasn't able to see it unless she turned her head around quite a bit or lay on her stomach, which was impossible to do while she was pregnant. In front of her was another room, with a glass wall in-between. It was so that the doctors could easily keep track of her and so that people could come see her without disturbing her when she was sleeping. To her left she had a whole bunch of machines that were supposed to keep track on her vital statuses as well as to check on how the baby was doing.
Monica had made a decision that she hadn't told Chandler about. He was expecting her to induce labour in January. It was right after Christmas now, so he was hoping it would only be two or three weeks. Monica had no plans whatsoever to have the baby in January. She was going to wait until she could get better guarantees of the baby's safety. She had made up her mind about this the day before, when the doctor had come to see her and talked to her about what they were going to do before, during and after the birth.
Monica slowly stroke her stomach and once again made a promise to the baby that she would do whatever it would take for the baby to be as safe as possible. She didn't feel like there was a risk at her own life. She knew what she was doing. And she and Chandler, as well as the doctors, were fully confident that she would have great chances of surviving. The doctor had said 70%, which to Monica sounded like good odds. She somehow seemed to believe that everything above 50% meant guaranteed survival.
*
Chandler woke up alone. He deeply sighed and looked over on Monica's side of the bed, which was depressingly empty. He remembered very clearly how horrible it had been when she'd been away the last time, and this time it felt even worse. It had been two days since she'd gone to the hospital, and those two days had felt more like two weeks. On December 27th he'd woken up next to her for the last time in an indefinite period of time.
He sighed heavily and got out of bed. Normally he loved to sleep in, but it wasn't the same thing without being able to watch his sleeping wife, or talk to her if she was awake.
He made up his mind, got dressed and went across the hall. Just like he had hoped, Rachel was up early. After a quick talk she agreed to go across the hall and stay with Regina, and Chandler took off for the hospital.
*
She was asleep when he got there. He walked into the room and saw her through the glass wall. He smiled to himself, knowing that he would always love the person he was looking at, no matter what happened between them. And no matter how hard she was struck by her sickness he would still think she was beautiful.
He opened the door into the room where she lay, and quietly closed it behind him. He went over to her bedside and sat down. He smiled even wider when he thought of the fact that they were planning on inducing labour in just two weeks time. He would feel a whole lot better once she'd given birth, because then they could concentrate on making her better. After the baby was born there would be no delays, the treatment would start as soon as possible. And she sooner that happened, the better the chances were that he would get to keep his wife.
Chandler slowly stroke her cheek, careful not to wake her up. It was so hard to believe that she was sick. She didn't look like it. She looked so healthy, like she was just taking a nap and not sleeping because her illness was making her tired.
"Let's just hope this is the last time you get this disease, huh?" he whispered to her. "Hopefully we can just be a happy family once all of this is over. You're going to be a wonderful mother to our baby, you already are a fantastic mother to Gina. So unlike your own mother…"
His smile faded somewhat, but his eyes were still filled with love. He loved her more than anything else. He was not going to let her slip away from him. What he didn't dare to tell her was that he would gladly risk the life of the baby if it could save Monica. Not because he didn't want the baby, because he really did, but because Monica meant more to him than anything else. Not even his unborn son or daughter could compete with what she meant to him, and always would mean.
*
It was the second week of January. Chandler sat on Monica's bedside with her hand in his. He wondered if she felt nervous or anxious. The doctor was on his way to induce labour.
Chandler looked at her and felt a bit surprised that she looked completely calm. He was a lot more nervous than she was, apparently. Monica didn't seem like she was concerned about anything at all.
The doctor entered, with a slight smile on his lips.
"Okay then Monica. This is it. We're going to have your baby."
Monica calmly shook her head.
"No, we're not."
Chandler's eyebrows practically touched the ceiling.
"Say what, Monica?"
She looked up at him and then at the doctor.
"We're not inducing labour today."
"Monica, I understand if you are concerned about labour" the doctor said. "But we have got to induce sooner or later anyway."
"And it's going to be later."
"Like hell it is" Chandler muttered. He turned to the doctor. "Doctor, how exactly are you going to do this?"
"We won't get to find out in a while yet" Monica said, slightly annoyed. "Chandler I am not having the baby today!"
"Yes you are" Chandler said firmly.
"No I'm not. Hey, it's my body, I have a right to say when."
"Doctor would you please talk some sense into her?" Chandler said, annoyed.
"Doesn't matter what he says" Monica stated.
Chandler turned his head back to look at her, having looked at the doctor the last time he spoke. Monica recoiled when she saw the anger in his eyes.
"Monica, we had a deal, damn it! You were going to let them induce labour so they could start giving you the treatment!"
"Chandler I want them to give me the treatment, it's not about that" Monica said. "But I can't risk having the baby yet! It's too small!"
"Oh, what do you really--" Chandler began, but Monica cut him off.
"The baby's lunges aren't developed yet! And I'm not going to risk him or her dying just because I couldn't wait a week or two more! I want the baby to have the time to develop it's lungs more!"
"I don't care about the baby's lunges" Chandler exclaimed, getting madder. "I don't care one bit, do you get that? I don't care for the simple reason that they can keep our baby alive anyhow. You, on the other hand, cannot be kept alive for too long if you don't start having the treatment NOW! You are the most important person to me, the baby comes in second, I'm sorry Monica, but the baby does!"
"Well it doesn't matter, because the baby comes in first with me!" Monica hissed.
The doctor eyed them both, then slowly and quietly exited the room.
"You are just the most annoyingly selfish person I have ever met for as long as I've lived!" Chandler bawled. "You're so into your own little world that you can't even THINK straight! Save your OWN life, damn it! THAT'S the best thing you can do for the baby!"
"Yeah, sure, the baby will be better off dead with a healthy mother" Monica bawled back, her voice thick of sarcasm.
"The baby is not going to die, you are in much higher risk of that than the baby is!" Chandler replied. "And I swear to you, right here, right now, I'd choose your life over the baby's any day. Because I have a child already, and another child would just make my life better. But what's making it good in the first place is you, so if you're taken away then you make it altogether bad. And can you honestly tell me that what you want for our children is for them to grow up with a dead mother and a father who is so lost in grief that he can't take care of them?"
"You know what, that's it, that is ENOUGH!" Monica angrily said. "You know what, you get on your feet and you get the hell out of here and you don't come back until you've got something else to say to me than that you think I'm going to die. That in fact you're SURE of it. I don't need that kind of shit from you right now, I need your SUPPORT, I need you to BELIEVE in my recovery."
"I'm just being REALISTIC!" Chandler cried back. "I do not think you are going to die, but I KNOW for SURE that you have GOT to give birth now or you won't be strong enough to survive the cancer! That is realism Monica, not pessimism."
"Yeah, well you can still get the hell out of here until you start being a bit more encouraging!" Monica yelled, and pointed for the door. "Bye, Chandler!"
Chandler angrily flew to his feet and marched for the door. He stopped just as he was about to reach for the knob.
"Thank you for appreciating my love and concern for you" he hissed sarcastically, and then left.
Monica felt a wave of anger crash over her, and she angrily crossed her arms as she saw him leave through the glass wall. She knew she would win their battle in the end, and she knew that he knew it too. He couldn't compete with her stubbornness in any way. But she had to admit to herself that he was almost as stubborn as she was, when it came to things he wanted for her. Her safety and well-being seemed to be his highest priority, but at this moment this fact only annoyed her. She didn't want to be his little project, she didn't want his entire life to circle around her.
She sighed and shook her head. Yes, she would win this battle. But at the same time she was very well aware of how hard she'd fought for him if things would have been the other way around. That he was the sick one and for some reason unable to get the treatment he needed. She would fight for him with beaks and claws and make sure he got through it okay. She closed her eyes hard. Just the thought of seeing him in the state she had been when she was sick the last time made her stomach turn.
She shook her head and made up her mind never to think along those lines. She couldn't allow herself to imagine what she would have felt like in that case, because if she did she might end up letting Chandler have his way.
The tough thing was that deep down inside she wanted to have it his way more than anything. She didn't want to die, but she knew it must seem as if she had a death wish. She blankly refused any form of treatment after all, and she also refused to give birth to her baby right away so that she could be saved.
Monica made up her mind and used the intern-radio next to her bed to ask the doctor, still in the other room, to get inside her own room on the other side of the glass wall. She had something important to ask him.
"Doctor," she said as soon as he was inside her room, "when can you guarantee that my baby will be born healthy and safe?"
The doctor shook his head.
"Monica…" he said. "Monica even babies who are born after nine months when labour kicks in on it's own can be guaranteed to survive."
"Okay fine, then when will you be able to guarantee me that my baby will have the same odds as a baby born when, as you put it, labour kicks in on it's own?"
The doctor sighed heavily, realizing where this was going.
"Monica let's not get into details--"
"Doctor you have two choices" Monica said, interrupting him. "You can either tell me now, or you can watch me pine away until in March the baby is born."
The doctor sighed again, and was obviously wishing he'd chosen another profession, like waitressing.
"I can't give you the answer to your question, Monica. You know, it is VERY individual."
"Well you can figure it out, can't you?" Monica asked, slightly worried. "I mean, for crying out loud you can even OPERATE on unborn children!"
"We can't figure out today when the baby will be about as safe as a nine-month old fetus. But it will be sometime in March anyway, and we can't let you wait for that long Monica."
"Okay, then here's what we'll do…" Monica said. "You can somehow figure out how developed the baby is, am I right? So therefore you can figure out how well developed it's LUNGES are, right?"
"Yes" the doctor sighed.
"Well then that's what we'll do. We can check every day, and then when it's safe enough I'll let you induce. Doctor I do not want to die, but I will not under any circumstance risk this child's life, do you understand that?"
"You're risking your baby's life just as much by just letting it be!" the doctor said, getting frustrated. "An unborn child is 100% depending on his or her mother, and if the mother isn't well then the baby's safety is at risk! I even believe that it would be better if the baby was born today than if we let you wait, because then we can help the baby. Give it what it needs to survive."
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that what I'M doing?" Monica said, annoyed.
"What I mean was that we can help your child in much better ways than we can while you're still pregnant."
"Cancer is not something you can pass on" Monica pointed out. "The baby won't get cancer from me."
"Of course not" the doctor said, annoyed. "But your body will soon grow sicker, and it will need all of it's energy to repair the damage and fight the illness. With the baby still unborn, you're going to use all your extra strength on the baby. That's how nature works."
"Offspring is the most important thing" Monica concluded the philosophy of nature.
"Luckily enough man has figured out ways to save the offspring without having to kill the mother" the doctor pointed out. "We CAN make your baby survive Monica, we don't think for a second that your child is going to die if you induce labour now."
"You don't see it the way I do" Monica commented. "I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life regretting it and feeling awful about it if I have my baby now, and my baby dies. It's like we just stated, offspring comes first, and as a mother I certainly can't break that law of nature."
"And as a doctor I certainly can't risk my patient's life when there's no need to" the doctor replied. "Let us induce labour Monica."
"When the baby's chances get bigger. Look, the baby RELIES on me to help it survive until it is born! And I am NOT going to let my baby down!"
The doctor sighed. He knew he had no choice. No matter how much he and Chandler wanted to induce labour, he knew that they couldn't unless it was immediate danger for Monica if they didn't. And immediate danger in this case meant if she needed the medication for her cancer right away to keep her alive when the week was over. And she would live for at least another month no matter what happened, and the doctor knew it.
"So we're agreed, then" Monica concluded. "You'll monitor my baby, and when the conditions are better for the child, I'll let you induce."
The doctor sighed and left the room. SHE had agreed, not him.
'Too bad democracy doesn't work for things like this…' he thought.
*
Chandler kept away for the nearest couple of days. He was way too frustrated to be able to visit her without trying to force her to let them induce labour, and her last words to him before he had left had really hurt. He didn't want her to think that he was trying to be mean to her, and he didn't want her to think that he had given up on her. But he knew that he couldn't allow himself to believe that she would make it without any doubt, because if she then died he wouldn't be able to cope with it.
He stared at the computer in front of him at work, and tried to imagine life as it would be like if Monica passed away. He couldn't. There was no way. She was the center of everything in his life. Whatever he thought of he would find a connection to Monica in it. She was entangled into every part of his life, and her being filled every vacated spot. And her love was like a drug he needed to survive.
Chandler realized that no matter how hard he tried, he could not imagine life without Monica. And that made the cold hand that clasped his heart clench a bit more. He was so scared to loose her that just the thought of it made him hyperventilate. He knew that nothing on earth could come between them, there was only death that could separate them. Even if Monica ended up being overwhelmed by guilt for the rest of their lives, they would still be able to make their marriage work, and be happy together. He would even be able to forgive her if she cheated. He would be devastated if she did, but he wouldn't even consider divorce. And deep down he knew that she would react the same way if he were unfaithful. So the only possible thing that could separate them was death.
Chandler bit his lower lip. Why was life so unfair? He'd never been really happy until he got together with Monica. Would he now be forced to loose her? All he wanted was to live the rest of his life together with her, was that really so much to ask for? Had he done something wrong in a past life, or something? Sometimes it felt as if he were being severely punished for something he'd done somewhere, sometime. Getting to meet the love of his life, but then have her taken away.
'Stop it Chandler!' he thought. 'Monica is not going to die. No way! And there is no such thing as karma, the only thing that this is about is that some people get serious diseases and some don't.'
He sighed and hoped that he would be able to include that people like Monica would survive. But he knew that he couldn't. But she was a fighter, that was one thing he didn't doubt. She wouldn't give up even when she had all the odds against her. But what she seemed to fail to realize was that not giving up wasn't always synonymous with winning. She had no control over weather or not she would survive. The only thing she could do was to let the doctors do their best to save her. And he wished she would forget about the baby for just a second, and focus on herself instead. He didn't know his unborn child, and although he loved it he wouldn't miss it if it died in the same way he would miss Regina. The baby wasn't really real to him yet, even though he knew that the child was alive. He just couldn't prioritize something that he didn't really think of as real above his wife. The hard thing was to get Monica to see it that way.
"The damn woman has got more maternal instincts than five bears and eight lions together…" he mumbled to himself. "She ain't putting anything above the safety of her child. I don't even think she'd put me above the baby…"
He frowned and thought about his last statement. Was that really true? If Monica ever had to choose between his survival or the survival of their unborn child, would Monica go with the child? Would she choose to save Regina if she had to make the choice between her husband and her daughter.
Then he shook his head once again. He was thinking crazy. He'd seen way too many episodes of "The X-Files". And deep down inside he knew that he would never allow Monica to save his life above Regina's. So it was no wonder Monica wouldn't let him save her life above their unborn child's.
*
Monica dried her tears with the back of her hand. It was late evening, three days after they had planned on inducing labour. She was alone, none of her friends were able to be there at the moment. Ross and Dana were out of town with Ben, Carol and Susan and Rachel and Joey had come down with the stomach flue. And Phoebe was getting married any day now, so she had a lot of planning to do. She had gotten engaged to her boyfriend Tim six months earlier. She wanted to postpone the wedding for Monica's sake, but Monica had told her not to.
What made Monica cry was the fact that Chandler hadn't been there to see her since their argument. She missed him terribly, in over five years she had seen him every single day, and she was in no way used to not seeing him. She'd thought he would have known that she didn't mean what she'd shouted at him right before he'd left the last time they saw each other. He had to know she didn't mean it. He knew her better than she knew herself, and he ought to know how much she needed him. But he hadn't come to visit.
Monica felt terribly lonely and abandoned. The only people she had seen these three days had been doctors and nurses, and Joey at one occasion. She wanted Chandler to be there. She wanted him to hug her, she wanted to feel how good he smelled, she wanted to be able to kiss him and to just feel his presence. She felt like she couldn't hold on any longer until she got to see him. But she didn't want to call him and ask him to come over. Not because she was too proud, because seeing him was by now such a basic need for her that her pride would always come in second. But she didn't want to have to beg her husband to come visit her. And just the fact that it seemed as if she might have to, made her start to cry again. She wished he would only just call her at least, so she could get to hear his voice.
She reached over to the phone on her nightstand and dialed the number for his cell phone. She heard him answer.
"Hello?" she heard him say a second time, then he was quiet for a few seconds. "Hello, is there anyone there?"
She hung up and sobbed. She had gotten to hear his voice, but it had had the opposite effect than she had hoped for. Now she just missed him even more.
'Oh Chandler, why aren't you here?' she asked him in her thoughts. 'Just come see me, I need you to!'
But somehow she knew he wouldn't. She would have to fall asleep yet another night without seeing his face during the day. She wondered for a second if he was trying to teach her a lesson of some kind, but she didn't think so.
'Gosh, he must be so mad at me for what I said…' she thought, and bit her lower lip. She made an effort to stop crying. 'I'd even be happy to hear him criticize me for the choice I've made and to hear him tell me how disappointed he is in me for risking my life! I'd be happy to hear him say anything at all, or DO anything at all, as long as he would just come to see me!'
She felt incredibly miserable, and for the first time she really started to feel like she was sick. She shivered and pulled a blanket over the covers to keep her warmer. She closed her eyes and cried herself to sleep.
*
Two days later Chandler showed up. She saw him through the glass wall as he entered the room outside of hers that he had to pass through in order to get to her room. She wondered if he was just there to catch a glimpse of her to see how she was doing, and then leave. She hoped not. She hoped he had come there to talk to her. She hoped he would come into her room instead of just look at her through the glass wall. She felt a lump in her throat when she wondered if he would just speak to her through the intern-radio.
Chandler stopped when he reached the wall and looked at her. His face was expressionless, hers had lit up with an expression he couldn't interpret. He just stood there for a few minutes, looking at her. He could see her face getting a resigned look, and then she turned her head away from him. She didn't want him to be able to look directly into her eyes and at her face.
Chandler turned and thought about leaving and coming back later. Then he dismissed the idea. He opened the door to her room and went inside.
Monica looked up in surprise when she heard him enter. She wished he would give up the poker face and give her a chance to interpret his mood by the look on his face. She wanted to ask him not to be mad, but somehow she couldn't make herself speak.
He walked over and sat down on the chair next to her bed. Monica decided that she didn't care if he was mad at her or not. She had waited for five days to get to see him, and now he was there. She threw herself in his arms, happy that he was sitting so close to her bed that she just had to lean her upper body closer to be in his arms.
"Damn it, I have missed you so much, where the hell have you been?" she whispered.
She could feel his hand slowly starting to stroke the back of her head, in such a gentle way that she knew he wasn't mad at her. She began to cry in relief, silently.
"Sorry" he mumbled. "Gina had the stomach flue two days ago."
"That's a lie" Monica whispered. "Ross was here yesterday and she said Regina was just fine."
"Okay, Gina didn't have the stomach flue…" Chandler admitted. "But we didn't know if she or I were going to get sick. And I didn't want to risk you catching it. And that's true."
Monica nodded slightly. She tried to cease to cry, and pulled back.
"How are you feeling?" Chandler asked.
"Tired" Monica admitted.
'Damn it!' she thought. 'He finally comes by and I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open!'
"You go to sleep if you want to…" Chandler said. "I'm not going anywhere. I will still be here when you wake up."
Monica smiled through her tears and stopped crying. He knew what she had been thinking, and he was going to stay there until she'd woken up at least. She closed her eyes and soon went to sleep.
Chandler watched her as she slept. For the first time he could actually tell she was sick. She was paler than usual, and he could tell she was sweating slightly. She looked a bit thinner than before, and he wondered if she was eating as much as she should. For the baby's sake she had to eat a lot. If she only ate for one, then that one would be the baby, so it was important that she ate as she should. Otherwise she wouldn't have any strength left. He also noticed that she was a bit blue under her eyes. He wondered if it was lack of sleep, or something else.
"I love you…" he whispered to her.
He gently brushed her hair to the side. It wasn't as shiny as he was used to it being. It almost looked dead. Chandler had been told that she would most likely loose her hair when the treatment started. When she'd had leukemia they had managed to keep her hair, but this time it was another form of cancer and it required some other forms of treatment.
Monica woke up two hours later, and relaxed a little when the first thing she saw was him. He had kept his word and was still there. He looked a little worried, and placed his hand on her forehead, slowly stroking it with his thumb.
"How do you feel?" he asked in a whisper.
"Average…"
"Should I go get the doctor?" he asked in a more normal tone.
"What for?"
"So we can induce."
Monica shook her head.
"No, not today Chandler."
She suddenly felt very afraid. She knew she had to tell him what she and the doctor had decided, but she was scared he would get mad and disappear for a few days again.
"Why not?" he asked. "It's been almost a week since we were originally gonna do it. The baby is much stronger now."
"Not strong enough, honey" Monica whispered. She felt so unsure, and even calling him 'honey' felt like a risk.
"What do you know about it?" he asked, softly and not angrily. "Monica the doctor wouldn't have suggested inducing earlier this week if he didn't think the baby would make it. And now it's had five more days."
"Chandler listen to me for a second, okay?" Monica said in a low and weak voice, afraid to wake his anger. "They are monitoring the baby now. And when they say that the baby's lunges are developed enough then I will let them induce."
"We can't wait that long" Chandler said. "YOU can't wait that long. Monica we made a DEAL. Don't you dare back out of it now."
"Please Chandler don't be mad…" Monica pleaded in the same low voice, starting to cry. "Don't go away again… Just let me do this!"
Chandler sighed deeply and hid his face in his hands.
"Monica don't think I'll stay away again just because we disagree on something… That has NEVER been the deal with us two, I had several reasons more to stay away these five days… And please, won't you realize that this is REALITY we're talking about here?" He looked up at her. "REALITY Monica. And REALITY in this case means that if you are not careful then you won't pull through. Why take such a risk?"
"The baby kicked just as you said that…" Monica said in a whisper, drying her tears. She hated the fact that she seemed to cry all the time these days. She had never been the crying type. "The baby is why I'm taking the risk. And I know it will be worth it. It will be 100% worth it."
"Yeah, for YOU!" Chandler hissed. "But to me, NOTHING is worth loosing you over, do you hear? NOTHING!"
"Nothing is worth loosing you over to me, either…" Monica whispered, and gently stroke his cheek. "But if anything would be, it would be this baby's life."
"But if…" Chandler echoed, annoyed. "But if pigs had had wings they would be able to fly… You can't add a 'but if' Monica and expect it to be valid. Nothing is worth your death, and I don't care how many babies I have to loose in the process of keeping you alive. Damn it, I think I would even chose your life over Regina's…"
Monica stared at him and pulled back her hand. She was completely shocked
"Chandler!" she exclaimed. Then she shook her head violently and turned her head away from him. "Don't say that!" she said, sounding almost desperate. "Don't say that! I don't want to hear you say that! Not even if that is how you truly feel do I want to hear you say that! And I don't want you to think it either! Don't value me over her, don't EVER value me over her, you'll only end up with your heart shattered in a million pieces… And I can't handle the thought of meaning more to you that our daughter, because your job as a father is to protect her and guard her at all cost!"
"Easy, easy…" Chandler soothed. "Calm down sweetheart, this is not good for you… And don't worry. I would die for Gina and you know I would."
Monica looked at him, calming down. She was quiet for a while, then she spoke again.
"Just like I would die for the baby that hasn't been born yet. It's the exact same thing. At least it is to me."
"Would you risk my life for the safety of this unborn child?" Chandler calmly asked her. "Would you?"
Monica didn't answer. She knew the answer would be no. She loved her unborn child but not as deeply as she loved Chandler. The baby was not even born yet, she couldn't love that child more than her husband. But she didn't want to say it, admit it to him. Because the second she did he would win.
*
Chandler was ready to tare off his hair in frustration. It was now January 31st and Monica still hadn't given birth. Each time anyone had suggested inducing she had protested wildly and said she wanted to wait until the baby was stronger. But at the same time her illness had turned out to be a bit worse than the doctors had thought at first. Her cancer was an inoperable tumor in her right arm, and now it had metastasized. She was getting sicker, and she needed treatment ASAP.
He looked at her from his place in the chair next to her bed, and saw how ill she was. She was looking terrible, almost like she had looked in early January the last time she was sick. She was weak and pale, and the shadows in her face were bigger now. She was dark blue under her eyes and when she had her eyes open he could see how bloodshot they were. And she was swollen around her eyes. Her breath was wheezing.
"Monica…" he said softly, getting her attention. "Monica, you know you can't wait much longer now…"
Monica nodded slowly. She watched Chandler get up and leave to go to the bathroom. She closed her eyes and opened them again a few minutes later when she heard someone enter. Phoebe was standing in the room, looking healthier than ever. She had gotten back from her honeymoon just hours earlier and she'd had the time of her life. Now she was shocked to see how Monica was looking.
"Oh my goodness, Monica…" she whispered.
"Hi, Phoebs…" Monica said with a weak smile.
Phoebe came over to her and looked at her, unable to believe her eyes. Her eyes were starting to tear up.
"My god Monica, why haven't you told me how sick you are?" she asked in a whisper. "You look so… so…"
"I didn't want to spoil your honeymoon" Monica told her. "There was nothing you could do for me anyhow."
"But I could at least have been there these two weeks… Monica you're not… going to…"
"No I'm not dying yet" Monica said with a weak smile. "But I'm having the baby now. I mean, I'm not in labour, but I don't think we can put it off much longer now… I would prefer to wait for as long as possible, but I can't do that to Chandler."
Phoebe talked to her quietly for a few minutes, not really knowing what to say. Monica's condition had scared and surprised her. Just a few hours earlier Phoebe had felt like the happiest woman on earth, but now she felt terrified and depressed.
Chandler came back and gave Phoebe a hug. Then he looked at Monica with begging eyes.
"Chandler…" Monica said with a husky voice. "Chandler I think it's time to induce now… We'd better do that now."
Chandler nodded and hurried closer to give her a kiss on the cheek.
"I'll go get the doctor…"
Review please... And read part10 if you wanna know what happens next, ;)!
INTRODUCTION: The plot thickens... lol... Monica is now admitted to the hospital again, waiting for the baby to get stronger so they can induce...
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the "Friends" characters, I just use them in situations they'll probably never end up in on "Friends", LOL!
Monica had for some reason thought that the hospital room she would get this time would be just like the one she had a few years ago. This one was completely different, though.
The walls weren't white as they had been in the other room. They were painted in a shade that Monica called Hospital Green. And the floors were in the same color, making the room seem awfully dark. There was a window with no curtains, and no plastic flowers in vases. It wouldn't matter much anyway because the window was to her right, so she wasn't able to see it unless she turned her head around quite a bit or lay on her stomach, which was impossible to do while she was pregnant. In front of her was another room, with a glass wall in-between. It was so that the doctors could easily keep track of her and so that people could come see her without disturbing her when she was sleeping. To her left she had a whole bunch of machines that were supposed to keep track on her vital statuses as well as to check on how the baby was doing.
Monica had made a decision that she hadn't told Chandler about. He was expecting her to induce labour in January. It was right after Christmas now, so he was hoping it would only be two or three weeks. Monica had no plans whatsoever to have the baby in January. She was going to wait until she could get better guarantees of the baby's safety. She had made up her mind about this the day before, when the doctor had come to see her and talked to her about what they were going to do before, during and after the birth.
Monica slowly stroke her stomach and once again made a promise to the baby that she would do whatever it would take for the baby to be as safe as possible. She didn't feel like there was a risk at her own life. She knew what she was doing. And she and Chandler, as well as the doctors, were fully confident that she would have great chances of surviving. The doctor had said 70%, which to Monica sounded like good odds. She somehow seemed to believe that everything above 50% meant guaranteed survival.
*
Chandler woke up alone. He deeply sighed and looked over on Monica's side of the bed, which was depressingly empty. He remembered very clearly how horrible it had been when she'd been away the last time, and this time it felt even worse. It had been two days since she'd gone to the hospital, and those two days had felt more like two weeks. On December 27th he'd woken up next to her for the last time in an indefinite period of time.
He sighed heavily and got out of bed. Normally he loved to sleep in, but it wasn't the same thing without being able to watch his sleeping wife, or talk to her if she was awake.
He made up his mind, got dressed and went across the hall. Just like he had hoped, Rachel was up early. After a quick talk she agreed to go across the hall and stay with Regina, and Chandler took off for the hospital.
*
She was asleep when he got there. He walked into the room and saw her through the glass wall. He smiled to himself, knowing that he would always love the person he was looking at, no matter what happened between them. And no matter how hard she was struck by her sickness he would still think she was beautiful.
He opened the door into the room where she lay, and quietly closed it behind him. He went over to her bedside and sat down. He smiled even wider when he thought of the fact that they were planning on inducing labour in just two weeks time. He would feel a whole lot better once she'd given birth, because then they could concentrate on making her better. After the baby was born there would be no delays, the treatment would start as soon as possible. And she sooner that happened, the better the chances were that he would get to keep his wife.
Chandler slowly stroke her cheek, careful not to wake her up. It was so hard to believe that she was sick. She didn't look like it. She looked so healthy, like she was just taking a nap and not sleeping because her illness was making her tired.
"Let's just hope this is the last time you get this disease, huh?" he whispered to her. "Hopefully we can just be a happy family once all of this is over. You're going to be a wonderful mother to our baby, you already are a fantastic mother to Gina. So unlike your own mother…"
His smile faded somewhat, but his eyes were still filled with love. He loved her more than anything else. He was not going to let her slip away from him. What he didn't dare to tell her was that he would gladly risk the life of the baby if it could save Monica. Not because he didn't want the baby, because he really did, but because Monica meant more to him than anything else. Not even his unborn son or daughter could compete with what she meant to him, and always would mean.
*
It was the second week of January. Chandler sat on Monica's bedside with her hand in his. He wondered if she felt nervous or anxious. The doctor was on his way to induce labour.
Chandler looked at her and felt a bit surprised that she looked completely calm. He was a lot more nervous than she was, apparently. Monica didn't seem like she was concerned about anything at all.
The doctor entered, with a slight smile on his lips.
"Okay then Monica. This is it. We're going to have your baby."
Monica calmly shook her head.
"No, we're not."
Chandler's eyebrows practically touched the ceiling.
"Say what, Monica?"
She looked up at him and then at the doctor.
"We're not inducing labour today."
"Monica, I understand if you are concerned about labour" the doctor said. "But we have got to induce sooner or later anyway."
"And it's going to be later."
"Like hell it is" Chandler muttered. He turned to the doctor. "Doctor, how exactly are you going to do this?"
"We won't get to find out in a while yet" Monica said, slightly annoyed. "Chandler I am not having the baby today!"
"Yes you are" Chandler said firmly.
"No I'm not. Hey, it's my body, I have a right to say when."
"Doctor would you please talk some sense into her?" Chandler said, annoyed.
"Doesn't matter what he says" Monica stated.
Chandler turned his head back to look at her, having looked at the doctor the last time he spoke. Monica recoiled when she saw the anger in his eyes.
"Monica, we had a deal, damn it! You were going to let them induce labour so they could start giving you the treatment!"
"Chandler I want them to give me the treatment, it's not about that" Monica said. "But I can't risk having the baby yet! It's too small!"
"Oh, what do you really--" Chandler began, but Monica cut him off.
"The baby's lunges aren't developed yet! And I'm not going to risk him or her dying just because I couldn't wait a week or two more! I want the baby to have the time to develop it's lungs more!"
"I don't care about the baby's lunges" Chandler exclaimed, getting madder. "I don't care one bit, do you get that? I don't care for the simple reason that they can keep our baby alive anyhow. You, on the other hand, cannot be kept alive for too long if you don't start having the treatment NOW! You are the most important person to me, the baby comes in second, I'm sorry Monica, but the baby does!"
"Well it doesn't matter, because the baby comes in first with me!" Monica hissed.
The doctor eyed them both, then slowly and quietly exited the room.
"You are just the most annoyingly selfish person I have ever met for as long as I've lived!" Chandler bawled. "You're so into your own little world that you can't even THINK straight! Save your OWN life, damn it! THAT'S the best thing you can do for the baby!"
"Yeah, sure, the baby will be better off dead with a healthy mother" Monica bawled back, her voice thick of sarcasm.
"The baby is not going to die, you are in much higher risk of that than the baby is!" Chandler replied. "And I swear to you, right here, right now, I'd choose your life over the baby's any day. Because I have a child already, and another child would just make my life better. But what's making it good in the first place is you, so if you're taken away then you make it altogether bad. And can you honestly tell me that what you want for our children is for them to grow up with a dead mother and a father who is so lost in grief that he can't take care of them?"
"You know what, that's it, that is ENOUGH!" Monica angrily said. "You know what, you get on your feet and you get the hell out of here and you don't come back until you've got something else to say to me than that you think I'm going to die. That in fact you're SURE of it. I don't need that kind of shit from you right now, I need your SUPPORT, I need you to BELIEVE in my recovery."
"I'm just being REALISTIC!" Chandler cried back. "I do not think you are going to die, but I KNOW for SURE that you have GOT to give birth now or you won't be strong enough to survive the cancer! That is realism Monica, not pessimism."
"Yeah, well you can still get the hell out of here until you start being a bit more encouraging!" Monica yelled, and pointed for the door. "Bye, Chandler!"
Chandler angrily flew to his feet and marched for the door. He stopped just as he was about to reach for the knob.
"Thank you for appreciating my love and concern for you" he hissed sarcastically, and then left.
Monica felt a wave of anger crash over her, and she angrily crossed her arms as she saw him leave through the glass wall. She knew she would win their battle in the end, and she knew that he knew it too. He couldn't compete with her stubbornness in any way. But she had to admit to herself that he was almost as stubborn as she was, when it came to things he wanted for her. Her safety and well-being seemed to be his highest priority, but at this moment this fact only annoyed her. She didn't want to be his little project, she didn't want his entire life to circle around her.
She sighed and shook her head. Yes, she would win this battle. But at the same time she was very well aware of how hard she'd fought for him if things would have been the other way around. That he was the sick one and for some reason unable to get the treatment he needed. She would fight for him with beaks and claws and make sure he got through it okay. She closed her eyes hard. Just the thought of seeing him in the state she had been when she was sick the last time made her stomach turn.
She shook her head and made up her mind never to think along those lines. She couldn't allow herself to imagine what she would have felt like in that case, because if she did she might end up letting Chandler have his way.
The tough thing was that deep down inside she wanted to have it his way more than anything. She didn't want to die, but she knew it must seem as if she had a death wish. She blankly refused any form of treatment after all, and she also refused to give birth to her baby right away so that she could be saved.
Monica made up her mind and used the intern-radio next to her bed to ask the doctor, still in the other room, to get inside her own room on the other side of the glass wall. She had something important to ask him.
"Doctor," she said as soon as he was inside her room, "when can you guarantee that my baby will be born healthy and safe?"
The doctor shook his head.
"Monica…" he said. "Monica even babies who are born after nine months when labour kicks in on it's own can be guaranteed to survive."
"Okay fine, then when will you be able to guarantee me that my baby will have the same odds as a baby born when, as you put it, labour kicks in on it's own?"
The doctor sighed heavily, realizing where this was going.
"Monica let's not get into details--"
"Doctor you have two choices" Monica said, interrupting him. "You can either tell me now, or you can watch me pine away until in March the baby is born."
The doctor sighed again, and was obviously wishing he'd chosen another profession, like waitressing.
"I can't give you the answer to your question, Monica. You know, it is VERY individual."
"Well you can figure it out, can't you?" Monica asked, slightly worried. "I mean, for crying out loud you can even OPERATE on unborn children!"
"We can't figure out today when the baby will be about as safe as a nine-month old fetus. But it will be sometime in March anyway, and we can't let you wait for that long Monica."
"Okay, then here's what we'll do…" Monica said. "You can somehow figure out how developed the baby is, am I right? So therefore you can figure out how well developed it's LUNGES are, right?"
"Yes" the doctor sighed.
"Well then that's what we'll do. We can check every day, and then when it's safe enough I'll let you induce. Doctor I do not want to die, but I will not under any circumstance risk this child's life, do you understand that?"
"You're risking your baby's life just as much by just letting it be!" the doctor said, getting frustrated. "An unborn child is 100% depending on his or her mother, and if the mother isn't well then the baby's safety is at risk! I even believe that it would be better if the baby was born today than if we let you wait, because then we can help the baby. Give it what it needs to survive."
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that what I'M doing?" Monica said, annoyed.
"What I mean was that we can help your child in much better ways than we can while you're still pregnant."
"Cancer is not something you can pass on" Monica pointed out. "The baby won't get cancer from me."
"Of course not" the doctor said, annoyed. "But your body will soon grow sicker, and it will need all of it's energy to repair the damage and fight the illness. With the baby still unborn, you're going to use all your extra strength on the baby. That's how nature works."
"Offspring is the most important thing" Monica concluded the philosophy of nature.
"Luckily enough man has figured out ways to save the offspring without having to kill the mother" the doctor pointed out. "We CAN make your baby survive Monica, we don't think for a second that your child is going to die if you induce labour now."
"You don't see it the way I do" Monica commented. "I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life regretting it and feeling awful about it if I have my baby now, and my baby dies. It's like we just stated, offspring comes first, and as a mother I certainly can't break that law of nature."
"And as a doctor I certainly can't risk my patient's life when there's no need to" the doctor replied. "Let us induce labour Monica."
"When the baby's chances get bigger. Look, the baby RELIES on me to help it survive until it is born! And I am NOT going to let my baby down!"
The doctor sighed. He knew he had no choice. No matter how much he and Chandler wanted to induce labour, he knew that they couldn't unless it was immediate danger for Monica if they didn't. And immediate danger in this case meant if she needed the medication for her cancer right away to keep her alive when the week was over. And she would live for at least another month no matter what happened, and the doctor knew it.
"So we're agreed, then" Monica concluded. "You'll monitor my baby, and when the conditions are better for the child, I'll let you induce."
The doctor sighed and left the room. SHE had agreed, not him.
'Too bad democracy doesn't work for things like this…' he thought.
*
Chandler kept away for the nearest couple of days. He was way too frustrated to be able to visit her without trying to force her to let them induce labour, and her last words to him before he had left had really hurt. He didn't want her to think that he was trying to be mean to her, and he didn't want her to think that he had given up on her. But he knew that he couldn't allow himself to believe that she would make it without any doubt, because if she then died he wouldn't be able to cope with it.
He stared at the computer in front of him at work, and tried to imagine life as it would be like if Monica passed away. He couldn't. There was no way. She was the center of everything in his life. Whatever he thought of he would find a connection to Monica in it. She was entangled into every part of his life, and her being filled every vacated spot. And her love was like a drug he needed to survive.
Chandler realized that no matter how hard he tried, he could not imagine life without Monica. And that made the cold hand that clasped his heart clench a bit more. He was so scared to loose her that just the thought of it made him hyperventilate. He knew that nothing on earth could come between them, there was only death that could separate them. Even if Monica ended up being overwhelmed by guilt for the rest of their lives, they would still be able to make their marriage work, and be happy together. He would even be able to forgive her if she cheated. He would be devastated if she did, but he wouldn't even consider divorce. And deep down he knew that she would react the same way if he were unfaithful. So the only possible thing that could separate them was death.
Chandler bit his lower lip. Why was life so unfair? He'd never been really happy until he got together with Monica. Would he now be forced to loose her? All he wanted was to live the rest of his life together with her, was that really so much to ask for? Had he done something wrong in a past life, or something? Sometimes it felt as if he were being severely punished for something he'd done somewhere, sometime. Getting to meet the love of his life, but then have her taken away.
'Stop it Chandler!' he thought. 'Monica is not going to die. No way! And there is no such thing as karma, the only thing that this is about is that some people get serious diseases and some don't.'
He sighed and hoped that he would be able to include that people like Monica would survive. But he knew that he couldn't. But she was a fighter, that was one thing he didn't doubt. She wouldn't give up even when she had all the odds against her. But what she seemed to fail to realize was that not giving up wasn't always synonymous with winning. She had no control over weather or not she would survive. The only thing she could do was to let the doctors do their best to save her. And he wished she would forget about the baby for just a second, and focus on herself instead. He didn't know his unborn child, and although he loved it he wouldn't miss it if it died in the same way he would miss Regina. The baby wasn't really real to him yet, even though he knew that the child was alive. He just couldn't prioritize something that he didn't really think of as real above his wife. The hard thing was to get Monica to see it that way.
"The damn woman has got more maternal instincts than five bears and eight lions together…" he mumbled to himself. "She ain't putting anything above the safety of her child. I don't even think she'd put me above the baby…"
He frowned and thought about his last statement. Was that really true? If Monica ever had to choose between his survival or the survival of their unborn child, would Monica go with the child? Would she choose to save Regina if she had to make the choice between her husband and her daughter.
Then he shook his head once again. He was thinking crazy. He'd seen way too many episodes of "The X-Files". And deep down inside he knew that he would never allow Monica to save his life above Regina's. So it was no wonder Monica wouldn't let him save her life above their unborn child's.
*
Monica dried her tears with the back of her hand. It was late evening, three days after they had planned on inducing labour. She was alone, none of her friends were able to be there at the moment. Ross and Dana were out of town with Ben, Carol and Susan and Rachel and Joey had come down with the stomach flue. And Phoebe was getting married any day now, so she had a lot of planning to do. She had gotten engaged to her boyfriend Tim six months earlier. She wanted to postpone the wedding for Monica's sake, but Monica had told her not to.
What made Monica cry was the fact that Chandler hadn't been there to see her since their argument. She missed him terribly, in over five years she had seen him every single day, and she was in no way used to not seeing him. She'd thought he would have known that she didn't mean what she'd shouted at him right before he'd left the last time they saw each other. He had to know she didn't mean it. He knew her better than she knew herself, and he ought to know how much she needed him. But he hadn't come to visit.
Monica felt terribly lonely and abandoned. The only people she had seen these three days had been doctors and nurses, and Joey at one occasion. She wanted Chandler to be there. She wanted him to hug her, she wanted to feel how good he smelled, she wanted to be able to kiss him and to just feel his presence. She felt like she couldn't hold on any longer until she got to see him. But she didn't want to call him and ask him to come over. Not because she was too proud, because seeing him was by now such a basic need for her that her pride would always come in second. But she didn't want to have to beg her husband to come visit her. And just the fact that it seemed as if she might have to, made her start to cry again. She wished he would only just call her at least, so she could get to hear his voice.
She reached over to the phone on her nightstand and dialed the number for his cell phone. She heard him answer.
"Hello?" she heard him say a second time, then he was quiet for a few seconds. "Hello, is there anyone there?"
She hung up and sobbed. She had gotten to hear his voice, but it had had the opposite effect than she had hoped for. Now she just missed him even more.
'Oh Chandler, why aren't you here?' she asked him in her thoughts. 'Just come see me, I need you to!'
But somehow she knew he wouldn't. She would have to fall asleep yet another night without seeing his face during the day. She wondered for a second if he was trying to teach her a lesson of some kind, but she didn't think so.
'Gosh, he must be so mad at me for what I said…' she thought, and bit her lower lip. She made an effort to stop crying. 'I'd even be happy to hear him criticize me for the choice I've made and to hear him tell me how disappointed he is in me for risking my life! I'd be happy to hear him say anything at all, or DO anything at all, as long as he would just come to see me!'
She felt incredibly miserable, and for the first time she really started to feel like she was sick. She shivered and pulled a blanket over the covers to keep her warmer. She closed her eyes and cried herself to sleep.
*
Two days later Chandler showed up. She saw him through the glass wall as he entered the room outside of hers that he had to pass through in order to get to her room. She wondered if he was just there to catch a glimpse of her to see how she was doing, and then leave. She hoped not. She hoped he had come there to talk to her. She hoped he would come into her room instead of just look at her through the glass wall. She felt a lump in her throat when she wondered if he would just speak to her through the intern-radio.
Chandler stopped when he reached the wall and looked at her. His face was expressionless, hers had lit up with an expression he couldn't interpret. He just stood there for a few minutes, looking at her. He could see her face getting a resigned look, and then she turned her head away from him. She didn't want him to be able to look directly into her eyes and at her face.
Chandler turned and thought about leaving and coming back later. Then he dismissed the idea. He opened the door to her room and went inside.
Monica looked up in surprise when she heard him enter. She wished he would give up the poker face and give her a chance to interpret his mood by the look on his face. She wanted to ask him not to be mad, but somehow she couldn't make herself speak.
He walked over and sat down on the chair next to her bed. Monica decided that she didn't care if he was mad at her or not. She had waited for five days to get to see him, and now he was there. She threw herself in his arms, happy that he was sitting so close to her bed that she just had to lean her upper body closer to be in his arms.
"Damn it, I have missed you so much, where the hell have you been?" she whispered.
She could feel his hand slowly starting to stroke the back of her head, in such a gentle way that she knew he wasn't mad at her. She began to cry in relief, silently.
"Sorry" he mumbled. "Gina had the stomach flue two days ago."
"That's a lie" Monica whispered. "Ross was here yesterday and she said Regina was just fine."
"Okay, Gina didn't have the stomach flue…" Chandler admitted. "But we didn't know if she or I were going to get sick. And I didn't want to risk you catching it. And that's true."
Monica nodded slightly. She tried to cease to cry, and pulled back.
"How are you feeling?" Chandler asked.
"Tired" Monica admitted.
'Damn it!' she thought. 'He finally comes by and I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open!'
"You go to sleep if you want to…" Chandler said. "I'm not going anywhere. I will still be here when you wake up."
Monica smiled through her tears and stopped crying. He knew what she had been thinking, and he was going to stay there until she'd woken up at least. She closed her eyes and soon went to sleep.
Chandler watched her as she slept. For the first time he could actually tell she was sick. She was paler than usual, and he could tell she was sweating slightly. She looked a bit thinner than before, and he wondered if she was eating as much as she should. For the baby's sake she had to eat a lot. If she only ate for one, then that one would be the baby, so it was important that she ate as she should. Otherwise she wouldn't have any strength left. He also noticed that she was a bit blue under her eyes. He wondered if it was lack of sleep, or something else.
"I love you…" he whispered to her.
He gently brushed her hair to the side. It wasn't as shiny as he was used to it being. It almost looked dead. Chandler had been told that she would most likely loose her hair when the treatment started. When she'd had leukemia they had managed to keep her hair, but this time it was another form of cancer and it required some other forms of treatment.
Monica woke up two hours later, and relaxed a little when the first thing she saw was him. He had kept his word and was still there. He looked a little worried, and placed his hand on her forehead, slowly stroking it with his thumb.
"How do you feel?" he asked in a whisper.
"Average…"
"Should I go get the doctor?" he asked in a more normal tone.
"What for?"
"So we can induce."
Monica shook her head.
"No, not today Chandler."
She suddenly felt very afraid. She knew she had to tell him what she and the doctor had decided, but she was scared he would get mad and disappear for a few days again.
"Why not?" he asked. "It's been almost a week since we were originally gonna do it. The baby is much stronger now."
"Not strong enough, honey" Monica whispered. She felt so unsure, and even calling him 'honey' felt like a risk.
"What do you know about it?" he asked, softly and not angrily. "Monica the doctor wouldn't have suggested inducing earlier this week if he didn't think the baby would make it. And now it's had five more days."
"Chandler listen to me for a second, okay?" Monica said in a low and weak voice, afraid to wake his anger. "They are monitoring the baby now. And when they say that the baby's lunges are developed enough then I will let them induce."
"We can't wait that long" Chandler said. "YOU can't wait that long. Monica we made a DEAL. Don't you dare back out of it now."
"Please Chandler don't be mad…" Monica pleaded in the same low voice, starting to cry. "Don't go away again… Just let me do this!"
Chandler sighed deeply and hid his face in his hands.
"Monica don't think I'll stay away again just because we disagree on something… That has NEVER been the deal with us two, I had several reasons more to stay away these five days… And please, won't you realize that this is REALITY we're talking about here?" He looked up at her. "REALITY Monica. And REALITY in this case means that if you are not careful then you won't pull through. Why take such a risk?"
"The baby kicked just as you said that…" Monica said in a whisper, drying her tears. She hated the fact that she seemed to cry all the time these days. She had never been the crying type. "The baby is why I'm taking the risk. And I know it will be worth it. It will be 100% worth it."
"Yeah, for YOU!" Chandler hissed. "But to me, NOTHING is worth loosing you over, do you hear? NOTHING!"
"Nothing is worth loosing you over to me, either…" Monica whispered, and gently stroke his cheek. "But if anything would be, it would be this baby's life."
"But if…" Chandler echoed, annoyed. "But if pigs had had wings they would be able to fly… You can't add a 'but if' Monica and expect it to be valid. Nothing is worth your death, and I don't care how many babies I have to loose in the process of keeping you alive. Damn it, I think I would even chose your life over Regina's…"
Monica stared at him and pulled back her hand. She was completely shocked
"Chandler!" she exclaimed. Then she shook her head violently and turned her head away from him. "Don't say that!" she said, sounding almost desperate. "Don't say that! I don't want to hear you say that! Not even if that is how you truly feel do I want to hear you say that! And I don't want you to think it either! Don't value me over her, don't EVER value me over her, you'll only end up with your heart shattered in a million pieces… And I can't handle the thought of meaning more to you that our daughter, because your job as a father is to protect her and guard her at all cost!"
"Easy, easy…" Chandler soothed. "Calm down sweetheart, this is not good for you… And don't worry. I would die for Gina and you know I would."
Monica looked at him, calming down. She was quiet for a while, then she spoke again.
"Just like I would die for the baby that hasn't been born yet. It's the exact same thing. At least it is to me."
"Would you risk my life for the safety of this unborn child?" Chandler calmly asked her. "Would you?"
Monica didn't answer. She knew the answer would be no. She loved her unborn child but not as deeply as she loved Chandler. The baby was not even born yet, she couldn't love that child more than her husband. But she didn't want to say it, admit it to him. Because the second she did he would win.
*
Chandler was ready to tare off his hair in frustration. It was now January 31st and Monica still hadn't given birth. Each time anyone had suggested inducing she had protested wildly and said she wanted to wait until the baby was stronger. But at the same time her illness had turned out to be a bit worse than the doctors had thought at first. Her cancer was an inoperable tumor in her right arm, and now it had metastasized. She was getting sicker, and she needed treatment ASAP.
He looked at her from his place in the chair next to her bed, and saw how ill she was. She was looking terrible, almost like she had looked in early January the last time she was sick. She was weak and pale, and the shadows in her face were bigger now. She was dark blue under her eyes and when she had her eyes open he could see how bloodshot they were. And she was swollen around her eyes. Her breath was wheezing.
"Monica…" he said softly, getting her attention. "Monica, you know you can't wait much longer now…"
Monica nodded slowly. She watched Chandler get up and leave to go to the bathroom. She closed her eyes and opened them again a few minutes later when she heard someone enter. Phoebe was standing in the room, looking healthier than ever. She had gotten back from her honeymoon just hours earlier and she'd had the time of her life. Now she was shocked to see how Monica was looking.
"Oh my goodness, Monica…" she whispered.
"Hi, Phoebs…" Monica said with a weak smile.
Phoebe came over to her and looked at her, unable to believe her eyes. Her eyes were starting to tear up.
"My god Monica, why haven't you told me how sick you are?" she asked in a whisper. "You look so… so…"
"I didn't want to spoil your honeymoon" Monica told her. "There was nothing you could do for me anyhow."
"But I could at least have been there these two weeks… Monica you're not… going to…"
"No I'm not dying yet" Monica said with a weak smile. "But I'm having the baby now. I mean, I'm not in labour, but I don't think we can put it off much longer now… I would prefer to wait for as long as possible, but I can't do that to Chandler."
Phoebe talked to her quietly for a few minutes, not really knowing what to say. Monica's condition had scared and surprised her. Just a few hours earlier Phoebe had felt like the happiest woman on earth, but now she felt terrified and depressed.
Chandler came back and gave Phoebe a hug. Then he looked at Monica with begging eyes.
"Chandler…" Monica said with a husky voice. "Chandler I think it's time to induce now… We'd better do that now."
Chandler nodded and hurried closer to give her a kiss on the cheek.
"I'll go get the doctor…"
Review please... And read part10 if you wanna know what happens next, ;)!