Always, 10
INTRODUCTION: Part 10 of 13, as most of you know... :) Not too much to tell, this part brings the story a bit more forward than the last part did, though.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the "Friends" characters.
Monica groaned in pain and waited for the contraction to end. Chandler slowly stroke her neck and held her hand. He felt like he was caught in hell, it was devastating to see Monica in such pain when she was so sick.
"There…" he mumbled and stroke her forehead instead of her neck. "You're doing great, Monica."
Monica felt the contraction fade out and felt relieved. But she knew the relief wouldn't last for long. He had been in labour for five hours by now, and the doctors were speeding the process up, using a new method they'd discovered the year before. She looked at the glass wall, or more correctly at the people on the other side. Her parents were there as well as Phoebe and her husband Tim, Joey, Rachel and Ross. Regina was at home with Dana, and she hadn't been told that her mother was in labour. Chandler didn't want her to worry.
"You doing okay?" Chandler asked Monica. "Do you need anything?"
"A healthy body" Monica tried to joke, but she knew it wasn't funny.
"It won't be too much longer now, my darling" Chandler told her and kissed her on the top of her head.
"That's correct…" the obstetrician that had been called in mumbled. "Nine centimeters. Not much longer now, Monica."
"Doctor, how am I doing?" Monica asked, feeling very weak. "Will I be able to do this?"
"I don't think we need to have a c-section done on you" the doctor mumbled. He seemed to always mumble when he spoke. "But you're probably gonna feel like hell once it's over."
"Thank you, how encouraging" Chandler hissed, annoyed.
"And the baby?" Monica asked, now with a lot of concern in her voice. "Is my baby okay?"
"So far, yeah" the doctor mumbled.
"And will he or she survive?"
"How should I know?" the doctor mumbled. "We're going to have to wait and see. But we're not giving up on your child straight off. And believe me Monica, I have delivered children much more premature than just two months. And I haven't lost a baby yet."
Monica smiled, content with the answer. She couldn't back out of labour now, and knowing that her baby would most likely survive made her feel confident.
She looked up at her husband who was eyeing her with eyes full of worry.
"Sweetie…" he said. "Are you really sure you're doing okay? You're not feeling sick or anything?"
Monica had a terrible head ache, and her arm hurt very much around the area where she had the tumor. But she shook her head. Chandler knew that she only meant that she wasn't too sick to be able to handle it.
*
Out in the outside room Phoebe was nervously pacing around.
"What on earth is TAKING so long?" she asked no one. "This isn't good for her, she's looking to pale!"
"Phoebe relax" Tim said, putting his hands on her shoulders and making her stop pacing. "It's labour, okay? And of course it's going to be hard on her. What else did you expect? But the only doctor in there right now is the obstetrician, it can't be that serious if her other doctor isn't there."
Phoebe calmed down a bit and sat down on one of the five chairs in the room. Monica's parents were in two of the others, and Joey was in another one. Rachel and Ross were both too stressed to be able to sit down.
"Looks like she's having another contraction" Rachel said and started biting her finger nails. "Gosh this is so horrible… I have never felt so freaked out in my entire life… Not even when she was dead for a few minutes the last time she was sick."
"I thought that was a lot worse than this…" Joey said. "I was in the room with her just a minute before she… well, died. It was so intense and so real to me."
"I think this is worse anyhow" Rachel said. "Because now we know she's in a lot of pain, and that she's really sick. Not a good combination."
"Chandler looks pretty weary…" Judy commented. "Poor man, this isn't easy for him either."
"You can tell he's scared…" Rachel mumbled. "Because he didn't freak out or anything when Regina was born. He was more calm than I'd ever seen him before in my life! Now he's looking like he's afraid she'll die if she closes her eyes!"
"He still seems to manage to make her laugh" Ross said with a smile, seeing Monica laugh slightly to a comment from Chandler. "That's good. She needs some cheering up."
"I'm gonna go call Dana and see how Regina's doing" Jack said and rose from his chair. "I feel like I need to get out of here for a while."
*
Monica saw her father rise and leave and she smiled slightly. She was happy that her parents were there, even if they technically weren't in the room with her. The doctors wanted only Chandler to be in there with her, since the room was pretty small and there would be a large crew of doctors once the actual delivery started.
She gave Chandler a weak smile. She was getting weaker by the minute, each contraction took lots of her energy away. She made up her mind to try and keep as still as she could, to save her strength.
She considered reaching up and stroking Chandler's cheek, but decided not to since that would be a larger movement. Her smile got a little bit bigger when Chandler met her eyes and weakly smiled back at her. Looking at him now made her full of love and full of hope. Everything was going to work out okay now. The baby would be born hopefully by the end of the hour, and then she would only have to take care of herself. The treatment would start the next day, giving her one night to rest first. And once the treatment started she would be able to recover, and then come home to her husband and her two children.
Chandler leaned in and gave her a soft kiss. He looked deep into her eyes for a few seconds, and then carefully kissed her with his tongue. He saw an even wider smile on her face when he pulled back. But he also saw how weak she was getting.
He wrinkled his forehead in thought just as she got another contraction. He gently leaned her forward and rubbed the small of her back, but his mind was elsewhere. When the contraction ended he leaned her back again, and then rose from his chair. He went over to the doctor.
"Doctor," he said in a low voice, "this is taking too much out of her. Look how weak she is. Wouldn't a caesarian surgery be better?"
"I don't know how well informed you are when it comes to cancer," the doctor mumbled, "but no, that would not be better."
"Why not?"
"Cancer patients heal wounds very slowly. A cut can take days. Just imagine how long it would take for her to heal after a caesarian. And the longer it takes for a wound to heal, the bigger the risks for infection. And an infection at this stage might very well kill her."
Chandler sighed and went back to Monica's side. She was looking ready to drift off to sleep in any minute. Chandler put his arm around her and felt her relax a little. Then she fell asleep. Although he was relieved that she was getting rest, Chandler couldn't help feeling a bit worried that she wouldn't wake up again. But three minutes later she got another contraction and woke up.
"Just try to take it easy, Mon…" Chandler said, hoping he sounded calm. He hated every minute of this. What he wanted most of all was to leave, to go somewhere else, somewhere where he didn't have to see and hear how the woman he loved was in so much pain. It had been tough when Regina was born, but now Monica was so sick and that made it all so much worse.
"This will all be over soon, my love…" he whispered to her, not knowing if he was talking about the contraction, the birth or the disease. Either way it didn't matter, and he hoped that it would be true in all three cases.
Monica relaxed a little after the contraction and tried to go back to sleep. It wasn't as easy as she'd expected though. She was starting to get an endorphin rush, keeping her awake more efficiently than a cup of black coffee or a walk in a cold windy night.
"Chandler I'm tired…" she whispered.
"Yes darling, I know you are" Chandler said softly. "But just a little longer, okay? It can't be long now, you'll be having this baby in no time."
"I hope you're right…"
"Of course I'm right. When was the last time I was wrong?"
"Ten minutes ago when you said it would stop snowing."
Chandler looked out the window at the snowstorm that had just begun. He had a sarcastic smile on his lips.
"Well you have to admit that if not else, you can at least listen to my predictions for pure entertainment" he said. "Apparently they never come true."
*
Fifteen minutes later the others watched through the glass wall when Monica started to push. She was practically sitting up and had Chandler's arm around her shoulders. He was talking to her but they couldn't hear what he was saying. The small room was filled with doctors and with equipment to help save the baby's life.
"Not long now…" Phoebe muttered to herself, more nervous than she'd ever been. Not even when she'd given birth to the triplets had she felt this nervous and anxious.
"Can't this just be over soon?" Rachel said in frustration and turned her head away from the scene on the other side of the wall. She soon returned to looking at it though.
Jack and Judy were standing together right behind Rachel, looking at their daughter and son-in-law through the wall. They could hear through the wall how the obstetrician in a loud voice told Monica to focus and to push.
"I hope poor Monica has got the strength to do this" Judy said. "What a blessing that she's not having twins."
"Damn it, how long is this going to take?" Joey said and watched as another midwife started talking to Monica.
*
Monica had her eyes closed in the intense pain and she could feel how the doctor was pulling the baby out of her once the head was out. But she didn't feel one bit relieved. This was the worst part of it all, waiting to hear if the baby would scream or not. If it's lunges were developed enough.
She was too weak to cry, but she came awfully close when she heard a weak cry from the baby. She opened her eyes but couldn't focus them at first. All she could see was a fuzzy blur. Chandler kissed her lovingly on the top of her head and she could feel him giving her shoulders a squeeze. Then she managed to blink her vision back.
Her first thought was that he was bigger than she'd expected. Her son wasn't as big as a normal child born after nine months, but he wasn't as tiny as she had thought he would be. But his cry was weak, although somehow determined.
Chandler was looking at the baby as well, with a large smile on his face. Monica had gotten her wish, they had a little son. He turned Monica's head towards him and lovingly kissed her, not really noticing how weak she was.
*
From the other side of the wall Monica's family and friends saw Chandler rise and leave her side, and they all had wide smiles of relief in their faces.
"Well, she did it…" Rachel stated, sounding proud and very emotional. "Monica did it… And judging by the looks on their faces the baby is okay."
All seven of them were trying their best to catch a glimpse of the baby, or Monica, but both were blocked by a crowd of doctors and midwifes. The doctor who had followed Monica throughout her disease so far was the only doctor they recognized. And of course the obstetrician.
They could every now and then catch a glimpse of Chandler, who was standing with his back turned to them, looking at the baby as two of the doctors checked it's vitals. The room was organized chaos.
*
Chandler carefully held his son who was wrapped in a blue blanket. He smiled big and walked over to the glass wall, so that the people on the other side could see. He could see that Phoebe, Rachel and Joey had tears in their eyes and that Monica's mother wasn't far from that state either. Chandler leaned down and kissed his son on the forehead, then he walked over to Monica and sat down on her bedside. Her eyes were closed and he wondered if she'd fallen asleep.
"Monica, honey? Open your eyes. Open your eyes and meet your new son…" he whispered to her.
She slowly opened her eyes and looked first at Chandler, then at the baby. She smiled lovingly at the infant in her husband's arms. Chandler carefully placed the baby in her arms. She was lying down again, and able to hold the baby even though she was weak. The baby was sobbing lightly, but the warm blanket had made him cry a lot less.
"God, he's so beautiful…" Monica whispered, gently letting her fingertips trace along the baby's cheeks.
"And he's just fine, Monica" Chandler said with a voice filled of love. "He doesn't seem to be in any immediate danger, and it's thanks to you."
He kissed her lovingly on the forehead.
Monica looked up at the doctor standing closest to her.
"Can I nurse him?" she asked.
"Sure…" the doctor said. "Go ahead. You're not on any medication at the moment, and I think it would be good for him…"
*
"Oh look…" Rachel said. "She's feeding him!"
"She seems to be doing just fine" Tim said with a smile and gave Phoebe a hug. "See? I told you not to worry so much."
"I can't believe our daughter has a son…" Jack said to Judy.
"It makes me feel old" Judy said, and then laughed slightly.
"I am so relieved…" Joey stated, and sank down on a chair. "Now the baby is born and seems to be healthy, and Monica can get her treatment. Everything is going to work out just okay now!"
The others smiled and hoped he was right. They all felt emotionally drained. It had been a tough afternoon, especially for Monica and Chandler, but for their family and friends as well. Now everybody felt as if the hardest part was over. The baby was born, and seemingly healthy, so from hereon by things could only go in one direction, better. Monica would get better soon and their nights of worry would be over.
*
An hour later Chandler and Monica were all alone. The doctors had taken their son with them, trying their best to make sure he wouldn't die. He was still not home free.
Monica was sleeping, completely exhausted. Chandler couldn't stop watching her, and decided to call over his cell phone to tell Regina that she'd become a sister.
Dana answered when he called, and he asked to speak with his daughter.
"Daddy?" he heard Regina say when she took the phone.
"Hi, pumpkin."
"Why is everyone not here?" Regina asked, not understanding why everyone had taken off in such a rush a few hours later.
"They're on their way home" Chandler told her. "And I have got some news for you."
"What news?"
"Mommy gave birth today. You've got a little brother, Gina."
Regina was quiet for about ten seconds.
"What?" she then asked.
"Honey you're a big sister now… with a tiny little brother who's only an hour old."
He talked to her for a few more minutes and then spoke to Dana for a minute. Then he hung up and put the phone on Monica's nightstand. Then he got on the bed next to her. She woke up and grunted, a bit surprised. Chandler urged her gently to scoot over and she did, giving him a little more room. Then he put his arm around her and fell asleep together with her.
*
The next day Monica was a bit better. She had just had her first chemotherapy and that made her feel pretty ill, but she wasn't tired at least. She was holding her little boy in her arms, unable to take her eyes off him. Then Chandler entered with Regina in his arms.
"Mommy!" Regina cried, not having seen her mother for a few days.
Monica forced herself to look up at her instead of at the baby.
"Hi there, honey" she said with a weak smile.
Chandler sat down on the chair next to the bed, with Regina in his arms.
"Say hello to your brother" Monica said, and lifted the boy up slightly so that her daughter could take a closer look.
"He's bald" Regina said.
Monica couldn't help but to laugh slightly.
"Don't worry, he will get hair."
"We should get him a wig" Regina suggested. "A blonde one. Nobody's blonde in this family."
Chandler chuckled slightly.
"We're not getting him a wig, Regina. He's gonna get hair soon."
"Why doesn't he have hair now?"
"Some babies are born bald" Monica explained.
"Well I sure wasn't!" Regina decided.
"No, that's true" Chandler said.
He stayed for an hour and then took Regina home again. He felt torn, not really knowing where to be. Regina needed a parent at home with her, but Monica needed his support at the hospital when she was going through the treatment. And he wanted to be able to spend as much time around the baby as possible.
*
Chandler sat by Monica's bedside a week after the baby had been born. Their son was already much stronger, and the doctors were full of confidence that he would survive. Chandler couldn't get enough of holding him.
"Mommy's probably going to wake up any minute now!" he told his son. "And she is going to be so happy to see you here when she does." He kissed the baby on the forehead. "You are such an odd baby, a week ago I would gladly have risked your life to save your mother's but as soon as I held you in my arms I knew I would do anything to help you survive. I didn't really feel that way before you were born."
The baby looked at him and wrinkled his face as if he was going to cry. Instead he yawned, opening his hands while he did. Then he clenched his hands into fists and closed his eyes, falling asleep.
"Looks like I'm the only awake person in the room" Chandler said to no one. "What a blast, now I get to talk to myself instead of to another person."
A few minutes later Monica woke up, with a distant look in her eyes at first.
"Hey" Chandler said.
Monica turned her head slowly to look at him, and smiled lovingly. Seeing him with their son in his arms made her feel extremely happy. She had almost worried he wouldn't love their baby based on some of the things he had said in the past two months, but when she looked at him now she knew she wouldn't have to worry. It was obvious that he adored the child.
"Unfortunately this little one is too tired to take part in today's family gathering" Chandler said. "So you're going to have to get by with just me."
Monica smiled.
"Well that's not too bad… Come here, Chandler."
He leaned closer so she could give him a kiss. Then he smiled lovingly at her and leaned back again.
"You can hold him in a while, I just… I just want to hold him a bit longer first" he said.
"I don't mind watching you hold him" Monica said. "The two boys I love the most… Not such a bad thing to see."
Chandler gave a little laugh.
"Now you know how I feel when I see you and Regina."
"What are the doctors saying, is he doing okay?" she asked, sounding worried.
"Oh yeah" Chandler said. "They think he's going to be just fine. They can't guarantee it of course, but he's growing bigger and he's eating okay and everything…"
Monica looked a bit sad.
"I wish I could nurse him…" she said.
"Well, I'm sorry honey, but you can't" Chandler said. "You know you can't. Your milk might have traces of the medication and it might kill him."
"Yeah, I know" Monica said with a sad nod. "But it just feels so strange… Kinda' like I'm not really his mother, you know? When I have to feed him with a bottle."
"Well you are his real mother" Chandler said. "What you have done for him is more than most mothers ever do for their children, and all this before he was even born."
"Thank you…" Monica said, appreciating the compliment.
"So how do you feel, honey?" Chandler asked.
"Bad" Monica admitted. "I've got such a headache, I just want to throw up and my arm is hurting so bad…"
Chandler looked at her sadly.
"Just don't give up, sweetheart" he said. "You've come this far, and now you've got no one else to think about than yourself. You're going to get through this without any doubt. And soon you'll be at home with me and our two babies."
"Chandler what are we going to name him?" Monica asked.
"Well, I guess Virgil is out of the question…"
"I hope you were kidding with even bringing the name up again" Monica said.
"Actually no, but whatever…"
"What else do you think we should name him?" Monica asked.
"I'm happy with whatever you suggest."
"No honey, I wanna hear YOUR suggestions."
"Oh I don't know…" Chandler said. "Something a bit more original perhaps… What do you think?"
Monica sighed.
"I'm not gonna get any suggestions out of you, am I?" she asked.
"What, I was just asking. Anyway, how about…" Chandler thought for a second. "Okay, honestly Monica, I have no suggestions. I've had so much to do and to think about lately that I haven't pondered over names. How about Jason?"
"No…" Monica said. "I wanna stay clear of the mythology thing. Phoebe's been filling my ears about the goddess of sleep, Hyphnos. I've had enough of it."
She shook her head to try to stay awake. She was so tired almost all the time now, and it annoyed her that she sometimes fell asleep in the middle of sentences.
"You okay there?" Chandler asked. "You can go to sleep if you want. I'll stay until you wake up, you know I will."
"Yes sweetie, I know… But I don't want to sleep. I want to name our son."
"He'll still be here when you wake up" Chandler said with a smile. "Well, maybe not in here, but he won't leave the hospital. And there's plenty of time to name him."
"I know, but for a week now we've just been calling him 'baby' or 'our little boy' or 'our son'… I want to call him by a real name."
"Well, Chandler Jr. is taken…" Chandler jokingly said. "And I wouldn't suggest Ross or Joey because the one we don't pick would get mad."
"If it had been a girl we could have named her Phoebe, since she named one of the triplets after you…" Monica pondered. "And Rachel as a middle name."
"So much for no mythology names" Chandler said with a smile. "And I'm really sorry Mrs. Bing, but I accidentally gave you a son instead of a daughter…"
Monica smiled lovingly.
"And I am very thankful… I've wanted a son forever. To at least have one son and one daughter. And I probably won't be able to have any more children."
"Oh believe me Mrs. Bing, getting you pregnant again is definitely out of the question" Chandler said.
"Two 'Mrs. Bing' in one minute, that's more than usual…" Monica said with a weak smile.
"Whatever," Chandler said, "but this pregnancy has caused me more gray hairs than anything else probably will, and I'm not going to go through anything like this ever again."
"What would be the odds?"
"Couldn't care less about odds" Chandler said. "Not after all that talk about the small odds of you getting sick again."
"So…" Monica said, not wanting to talk about her cancer. "What are we going to name him, Chandler?"
"I dunno… Name him after some famous chef. That's what my mom did with me. She was writing her first book when I was born and wanted to have good luck with her career. So she named me after Raymond Chandler."
"And your dad didn't have a say in it?"
"Sure… But he probably thought Raymond Chandler was hot or something…"
Monica chuckled slightly but then had to close her eyes. Chandler looked up and noticed that she'd fallen asleep.
She woke up again twenty minutes later and was happy to see that Chandler still had the baby in his arms.
"Did you figure out any good names while I was asleep?" she asked.
"Yeah. We should name him Defoe after Daniel Defoe."
Monica sighed at his sarcasm, but couldn't help to smile slightly.
"Defoe Bing sounds like The Fool Bing" she said.
She closed her eyes hard again and tried to fight the pain she felt in her arm and her head. In many ways it was easier to just sleep all the time, that way she didn't have to feel all the pain. But she preferred to sleep when somebody else than Chandler was there. She didn't want to miss a second she had together with him.
"Did you dream anything nice?" Chandler asked.
"I don't think I even got to REM sleep…" Monica said. "So no, I didn't dream anything nice… not that I know of, anyway."
"Well welcome to the way I sleep" Chandler said. "I can't remember the last time I remembered a dream." Then he chuckled. "Maybe we could name him Michael after the singer in REM!"
"Chandler don't make yourself sound anymore stupid than you are…" Monica said, with affection in her voice. "It doesn't suit you very well. But what about Gabriel?"
"Oh, I see what you're doing…" Chandler said, pretending to be annoyed. "You're just going for another archangel than the one I suggested!"
"You didn't suggest we'd name him after one."
"Yeah, but still…" Chandler said, then laughed. "Okay, seriously though… Gabriel sounds nice."
"I know. That's why I suggested it" Monica said. "Chandler can I hold him?"
Chandler reached over and placed the infant in her arms. She looked at the baby lovingly.
"So are we agreed, then?" she asked. "Are we naming him Gabriel?"
"I guess so…" Chandler said. "Gabriel Bing. Wow, he's got the perfect name to make a Hollywood career with" he added jokingly.
Monica ignored his comment and smiled at the baby in her arms. Gabriel wasn't the name she'd had in mind originally, but when she thought about it she liked it better than her first idea. And it wasn't too common, either.
Chandler smiled and rose to get the camera he'd brought. He took a picture of the two, then put the camera back in his coat pocket. He then moved the chair a bit further down, so that he was sitting by Monica's waist and not her head. He took her hand and kissed it. They both looked up when Monica's doctor entered the room with a grim face.
"Oh hi" Chandler said. "Guess what? We just gave our son a name."
"Nice" the doctor said, obviously not interested. "May I have a word with the two of you?"
"Yeah, go ahead and talk" Chandler said.
"Monica… How do you feel?" the doctor asked.
"Good, I suppose" Monica said. "My arm really hurts, though… And so does my head… And I'm actually quite tired and all, plus the side effects from the treatment. So I guess I'm not feeling good, after all…"
"Chandler maybe you ought to take the baby" the doctor suggested.
"Don't worry, it doesn't hurt THAT bad…" Monica said.
"So what do you think, doctor?" Chandler asked. "About Monica's condition? Is she doing any better?"
"No" the doctor said straight out.
Chandler and Monica shared a confused look. Then they looked at the doctor.
"God, there's never any easy ways to say this…"
"To say what?" Chandler said, slightly panicked.
"You're gonna have to amputate the arm, aren't you?" Monica said, her eyes tearing.
"Monica the cancer has spread" the doctor said.
"We know" Chandler said. "You… told us before she had the baby…"
"No, I mean it has spread even further. And in your current condition, after labour and all, there's really nothing we can do…"
"What… are you telling us here?" Monica asked.
"We waited too long…" the doctor said, sounding genuinely sad. "The cancer had gone too far and there's no way your body can fight it in it's current condition…"
"But you…" Chandler said, not able to take in what he was hearing. "You told us her chances were GOOD! You told us you would induce labour before she reached that point!"
"We didn't know that the cancer had spread even further" the doctor said. "And there is nothing we can do now."
"How long have I got?" Monica asked, not really comprehending yet either.
"Hard to say. If we keep you in treatment you'll live longer… But it's only a matter of days or weeks."
"Then give me the treatment" Monica said.
The doctor nodded and looked at them for a few seconds.
"I am really sorry…" he said, knowing it was a lame thing to say. It had been his responsibility to save her life and now he had to tell them he had failed. He turned around and left, knowing that they probably wanted to be alone.
Monica was in shock. She just couldn't believe it. It was impossible. Somehow she had always believed she was invincible. Like everyone else she'd never thought anything like this could happen to her.
Chandler had crossed his arms in front of him on her bed, and how he leaned forward and buried his face. Monica realized that he was crying quietly, but frustratingly. Her own eyes teared when she saw him shiver slightly with his sobs. She hadn't seen him cry for years and to se him do so now was what made her feel the worst. She was in a state of shock and couldn't believe that she was dying. But he apparently could. He'd almost been expecting it earlier on.
"Damn you" she heard him whisper through his sobs. "Damn you, damn you, damn you, damn you…"
She started to cry as well. She had let him down. She had promised him that she wouldn't take the pregnancy so far that her own life was in a great risk. And now she was dying because she had waited for too long. She had let him down and now he had to pay the price. No matter how much she feared death she felt more sorry for him in this moment because she knew he had decades ahead of him with two children and a dead wife. She remembered how she'd felt when she hadn't gotten to see him for three days. She had felt terrible, and yet she'd known she would get to see him eventually. He would have to go on feeling the same way only a thousand times more intense, and with the knowledge that he wouldn't ever get to see her again.
Little Gabriel started crying as well. Monica had for a second forgotten he was even there. She started to cry even more, realizing that she wouldn't ever get to see him grow up and she would never get to know him. And she wouldn't get to be there when Regina got older either. She only had a few weeks. Her son would never remember her, and she wasn't even sure her daughter would.
Chandler finally looked up, pulling himself together but unable to stop crying once he'd started.
"Oh Chandler…" Monica said through her tears, unable to tell him how sorry she was and at the moment unable to take care of the baby and make him stop crying.
Chandler reached in and grabbed his son, lifting him over to his own arms and tried to make him stop cry.
"Easy now, Gabriel…" he said quietly with tears still falling down his cheeks. "Don't you worry… I won't let you down. I won't let you down any more than your mother did."
Monica realized when he said that that now she understood what Chandler had been saying before, that he didn't seem to believe anymore. That she would let her children down by dying on them. Now Chandler seemed to think otherwise, but Monica didn't.
"Don't you worry either, Monica…" Chandler said in a whisper. "I'll love him for the both of us." He looked down at the baby who stopped crying. "I will love you just as much as mommy and I love each other."
So please review and let me know what you think... weather it's good comments or bad... and I appologize if this part was a bit mushy...
INTRODUCTION: Part 10 of 13, as most of you know... :) Not too much to tell, this part brings the story a bit more forward than the last part did, though.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the "Friends" characters.
Monica groaned in pain and waited for the contraction to end. Chandler slowly stroke her neck and held her hand. He felt like he was caught in hell, it was devastating to see Monica in such pain when she was so sick.
"There…" he mumbled and stroke her forehead instead of her neck. "You're doing great, Monica."
Monica felt the contraction fade out and felt relieved. But she knew the relief wouldn't last for long. He had been in labour for five hours by now, and the doctors were speeding the process up, using a new method they'd discovered the year before. She looked at the glass wall, or more correctly at the people on the other side. Her parents were there as well as Phoebe and her husband Tim, Joey, Rachel and Ross. Regina was at home with Dana, and she hadn't been told that her mother was in labour. Chandler didn't want her to worry.
"You doing okay?" Chandler asked Monica. "Do you need anything?"
"A healthy body" Monica tried to joke, but she knew it wasn't funny.
"It won't be too much longer now, my darling" Chandler told her and kissed her on the top of her head.
"That's correct…" the obstetrician that had been called in mumbled. "Nine centimeters. Not much longer now, Monica."
"Doctor, how am I doing?" Monica asked, feeling very weak. "Will I be able to do this?"
"I don't think we need to have a c-section done on you" the doctor mumbled. He seemed to always mumble when he spoke. "But you're probably gonna feel like hell once it's over."
"Thank you, how encouraging" Chandler hissed, annoyed.
"And the baby?" Monica asked, now with a lot of concern in her voice. "Is my baby okay?"
"So far, yeah" the doctor mumbled.
"And will he or she survive?"
"How should I know?" the doctor mumbled. "We're going to have to wait and see. But we're not giving up on your child straight off. And believe me Monica, I have delivered children much more premature than just two months. And I haven't lost a baby yet."
Monica smiled, content with the answer. She couldn't back out of labour now, and knowing that her baby would most likely survive made her feel confident.
She looked up at her husband who was eyeing her with eyes full of worry.
"Sweetie…" he said. "Are you really sure you're doing okay? You're not feeling sick or anything?"
Monica had a terrible head ache, and her arm hurt very much around the area where she had the tumor. But she shook her head. Chandler knew that she only meant that she wasn't too sick to be able to handle it.
*
Out in the outside room Phoebe was nervously pacing around.
"What on earth is TAKING so long?" she asked no one. "This isn't good for her, she's looking to pale!"
"Phoebe relax" Tim said, putting his hands on her shoulders and making her stop pacing. "It's labour, okay? And of course it's going to be hard on her. What else did you expect? But the only doctor in there right now is the obstetrician, it can't be that serious if her other doctor isn't there."
Phoebe calmed down a bit and sat down on one of the five chairs in the room. Monica's parents were in two of the others, and Joey was in another one. Rachel and Ross were both too stressed to be able to sit down.
"Looks like she's having another contraction" Rachel said and started biting her finger nails. "Gosh this is so horrible… I have never felt so freaked out in my entire life… Not even when she was dead for a few minutes the last time she was sick."
"I thought that was a lot worse than this…" Joey said. "I was in the room with her just a minute before she… well, died. It was so intense and so real to me."
"I think this is worse anyhow" Rachel said. "Because now we know she's in a lot of pain, and that she's really sick. Not a good combination."
"Chandler looks pretty weary…" Judy commented. "Poor man, this isn't easy for him either."
"You can tell he's scared…" Rachel mumbled. "Because he didn't freak out or anything when Regina was born. He was more calm than I'd ever seen him before in my life! Now he's looking like he's afraid she'll die if she closes her eyes!"
"He still seems to manage to make her laugh" Ross said with a smile, seeing Monica laugh slightly to a comment from Chandler. "That's good. She needs some cheering up."
"I'm gonna go call Dana and see how Regina's doing" Jack said and rose from his chair. "I feel like I need to get out of here for a while."
*
Monica saw her father rise and leave and she smiled slightly. She was happy that her parents were there, even if they technically weren't in the room with her. The doctors wanted only Chandler to be in there with her, since the room was pretty small and there would be a large crew of doctors once the actual delivery started.
She gave Chandler a weak smile. She was getting weaker by the minute, each contraction took lots of her energy away. She made up her mind to try and keep as still as she could, to save her strength.
She considered reaching up and stroking Chandler's cheek, but decided not to since that would be a larger movement. Her smile got a little bit bigger when Chandler met her eyes and weakly smiled back at her. Looking at him now made her full of love and full of hope. Everything was going to work out okay now. The baby would be born hopefully by the end of the hour, and then she would only have to take care of herself. The treatment would start the next day, giving her one night to rest first. And once the treatment started she would be able to recover, and then come home to her husband and her two children.
Chandler leaned in and gave her a soft kiss. He looked deep into her eyes for a few seconds, and then carefully kissed her with his tongue. He saw an even wider smile on her face when he pulled back. But he also saw how weak she was getting.
He wrinkled his forehead in thought just as she got another contraction. He gently leaned her forward and rubbed the small of her back, but his mind was elsewhere. When the contraction ended he leaned her back again, and then rose from his chair. He went over to the doctor.
"Doctor," he said in a low voice, "this is taking too much out of her. Look how weak she is. Wouldn't a caesarian surgery be better?"
"I don't know how well informed you are when it comes to cancer," the doctor mumbled, "but no, that would not be better."
"Why not?"
"Cancer patients heal wounds very slowly. A cut can take days. Just imagine how long it would take for her to heal after a caesarian. And the longer it takes for a wound to heal, the bigger the risks for infection. And an infection at this stage might very well kill her."
Chandler sighed and went back to Monica's side. She was looking ready to drift off to sleep in any minute. Chandler put his arm around her and felt her relax a little. Then she fell asleep. Although he was relieved that she was getting rest, Chandler couldn't help feeling a bit worried that she wouldn't wake up again. But three minutes later she got another contraction and woke up.
"Just try to take it easy, Mon…" Chandler said, hoping he sounded calm. He hated every minute of this. What he wanted most of all was to leave, to go somewhere else, somewhere where he didn't have to see and hear how the woman he loved was in so much pain. It had been tough when Regina was born, but now Monica was so sick and that made it all so much worse.
"This will all be over soon, my love…" he whispered to her, not knowing if he was talking about the contraction, the birth or the disease. Either way it didn't matter, and he hoped that it would be true in all three cases.
Monica relaxed a little after the contraction and tried to go back to sleep. It wasn't as easy as she'd expected though. She was starting to get an endorphin rush, keeping her awake more efficiently than a cup of black coffee or a walk in a cold windy night.
"Chandler I'm tired…" she whispered.
"Yes darling, I know you are" Chandler said softly. "But just a little longer, okay? It can't be long now, you'll be having this baby in no time."
"I hope you're right…"
"Of course I'm right. When was the last time I was wrong?"
"Ten minutes ago when you said it would stop snowing."
Chandler looked out the window at the snowstorm that had just begun. He had a sarcastic smile on his lips.
"Well you have to admit that if not else, you can at least listen to my predictions for pure entertainment" he said. "Apparently they never come true."
*
Fifteen minutes later the others watched through the glass wall when Monica started to push. She was practically sitting up and had Chandler's arm around her shoulders. He was talking to her but they couldn't hear what he was saying. The small room was filled with doctors and with equipment to help save the baby's life.
"Not long now…" Phoebe muttered to herself, more nervous than she'd ever been. Not even when she'd given birth to the triplets had she felt this nervous and anxious.
"Can't this just be over soon?" Rachel said in frustration and turned her head away from the scene on the other side of the wall. She soon returned to looking at it though.
Jack and Judy were standing together right behind Rachel, looking at their daughter and son-in-law through the wall. They could hear through the wall how the obstetrician in a loud voice told Monica to focus and to push.
"I hope poor Monica has got the strength to do this" Judy said. "What a blessing that she's not having twins."
"Damn it, how long is this going to take?" Joey said and watched as another midwife started talking to Monica.
*
Monica had her eyes closed in the intense pain and she could feel how the doctor was pulling the baby out of her once the head was out. But she didn't feel one bit relieved. This was the worst part of it all, waiting to hear if the baby would scream or not. If it's lunges were developed enough.
She was too weak to cry, but she came awfully close when she heard a weak cry from the baby. She opened her eyes but couldn't focus them at first. All she could see was a fuzzy blur. Chandler kissed her lovingly on the top of her head and she could feel him giving her shoulders a squeeze. Then she managed to blink her vision back.
Her first thought was that he was bigger than she'd expected. Her son wasn't as big as a normal child born after nine months, but he wasn't as tiny as she had thought he would be. But his cry was weak, although somehow determined.
Chandler was looking at the baby as well, with a large smile on his face. Monica had gotten her wish, they had a little son. He turned Monica's head towards him and lovingly kissed her, not really noticing how weak she was.
*
From the other side of the wall Monica's family and friends saw Chandler rise and leave her side, and they all had wide smiles of relief in their faces.
"Well, she did it…" Rachel stated, sounding proud and very emotional. "Monica did it… And judging by the looks on their faces the baby is okay."
All seven of them were trying their best to catch a glimpse of the baby, or Monica, but both were blocked by a crowd of doctors and midwifes. The doctor who had followed Monica throughout her disease so far was the only doctor they recognized. And of course the obstetrician.
They could every now and then catch a glimpse of Chandler, who was standing with his back turned to them, looking at the baby as two of the doctors checked it's vitals. The room was organized chaos.
*
Chandler carefully held his son who was wrapped in a blue blanket. He smiled big and walked over to the glass wall, so that the people on the other side could see. He could see that Phoebe, Rachel and Joey had tears in their eyes and that Monica's mother wasn't far from that state either. Chandler leaned down and kissed his son on the forehead, then he walked over to Monica and sat down on her bedside. Her eyes were closed and he wondered if she'd fallen asleep.
"Monica, honey? Open your eyes. Open your eyes and meet your new son…" he whispered to her.
She slowly opened her eyes and looked first at Chandler, then at the baby. She smiled lovingly at the infant in her husband's arms. Chandler carefully placed the baby in her arms. She was lying down again, and able to hold the baby even though she was weak. The baby was sobbing lightly, but the warm blanket had made him cry a lot less.
"God, he's so beautiful…" Monica whispered, gently letting her fingertips trace along the baby's cheeks.
"And he's just fine, Monica" Chandler said with a voice filled of love. "He doesn't seem to be in any immediate danger, and it's thanks to you."
He kissed her lovingly on the forehead.
Monica looked up at the doctor standing closest to her.
"Can I nurse him?" she asked.
"Sure…" the doctor said. "Go ahead. You're not on any medication at the moment, and I think it would be good for him…"
*
"Oh look…" Rachel said. "She's feeding him!"
"She seems to be doing just fine" Tim said with a smile and gave Phoebe a hug. "See? I told you not to worry so much."
"I can't believe our daughter has a son…" Jack said to Judy.
"It makes me feel old" Judy said, and then laughed slightly.
"I am so relieved…" Joey stated, and sank down on a chair. "Now the baby is born and seems to be healthy, and Monica can get her treatment. Everything is going to work out just okay now!"
The others smiled and hoped he was right. They all felt emotionally drained. It had been a tough afternoon, especially for Monica and Chandler, but for their family and friends as well. Now everybody felt as if the hardest part was over. The baby was born, and seemingly healthy, so from hereon by things could only go in one direction, better. Monica would get better soon and their nights of worry would be over.
*
An hour later Chandler and Monica were all alone. The doctors had taken their son with them, trying their best to make sure he wouldn't die. He was still not home free.
Monica was sleeping, completely exhausted. Chandler couldn't stop watching her, and decided to call over his cell phone to tell Regina that she'd become a sister.
Dana answered when he called, and he asked to speak with his daughter.
"Daddy?" he heard Regina say when she took the phone.
"Hi, pumpkin."
"Why is everyone not here?" Regina asked, not understanding why everyone had taken off in such a rush a few hours later.
"They're on their way home" Chandler told her. "And I have got some news for you."
"What news?"
"Mommy gave birth today. You've got a little brother, Gina."
Regina was quiet for about ten seconds.
"What?" she then asked.
"Honey you're a big sister now… with a tiny little brother who's only an hour old."
He talked to her for a few more minutes and then spoke to Dana for a minute. Then he hung up and put the phone on Monica's nightstand. Then he got on the bed next to her. She woke up and grunted, a bit surprised. Chandler urged her gently to scoot over and she did, giving him a little more room. Then he put his arm around her and fell asleep together with her.
*
The next day Monica was a bit better. She had just had her first chemotherapy and that made her feel pretty ill, but she wasn't tired at least. She was holding her little boy in her arms, unable to take her eyes off him. Then Chandler entered with Regina in his arms.
"Mommy!" Regina cried, not having seen her mother for a few days.
Monica forced herself to look up at her instead of at the baby.
"Hi there, honey" she said with a weak smile.
Chandler sat down on the chair next to the bed, with Regina in his arms.
"Say hello to your brother" Monica said, and lifted the boy up slightly so that her daughter could take a closer look.
"He's bald" Regina said.
Monica couldn't help but to laugh slightly.
"Don't worry, he will get hair."
"We should get him a wig" Regina suggested. "A blonde one. Nobody's blonde in this family."
Chandler chuckled slightly.
"We're not getting him a wig, Regina. He's gonna get hair soon."
"Why doesn't he have hair now?"
"Some babies are born bald" Monica explained.
"Well I sure wasn't!" Regina decided.
"No, that's true" Chandler said.
He stayed for an hour and then took Regina home again. He felt torn, not really knowing where to be. Regina needed a parent at home with her, but Monica needed his support at the hospital when she was going through the treatment. And he wanted to be able to spend as much time around the baby as possible.
*
Chandler sat by Monica's bedside a week after the baby had been born. Their son was already much stronger, and the doctors were full of confidence that he would survive. Chandler couldn't get enough of holding him.
"Mommy's probably going to wake up any minute now!" he told his son. "And she is going to be so happy to see you here when she does." He kissed the baby on the forehead. "You are such an odd baby, a week ago I would gladly have risked your life to save your mother's but as soon as I held you in my arms I knew I would do anything to help you survive. I didn't really feel that way before you were born."
The baby looked at him and wrinkled his face as if he was going to cry. Instead he yawned, opening his hands while he did. Then he clenched his hands into fists and closed his eyes, falling asleep.
"Looks like I'm the only awake person in the room" Chandler said to no one. "What a blast, now I get to talk to myself instead of to another person."
A few minutes later Monica woke up, with a distant look in her eyes at first.
"Hey" Chandler said.
Monica turned her head slowly to look at him, and smiled lovingly. Seeing him with their son in his arms made her feel extremely happy. She had almost worried he wouldn't love their baby based on some of the things he had said in the past two months, but when she looked at him now she knew she wouldn't have to worry. It was obvious that he adored the child.
"Unfortunately this little one is too tired to take part in today's family gathering" Chandler said. "So you're going to have to get by with just me."
Monica smiled.
"Well that's not too bad… Come here, Chandler."
He leaned closer so she could give him a kiss. Then he smiled lovingly at her and leaned back again.
"You can hold him in a while, I just… I just want to hold him a bit longer first" he said.
"I don't mind watching you hold him" Monica said. "The two boys I love the most… Not such a bad thing to see."
Chandler gave a little laugh.
"Now you know how I feel when I see you and Regina."
"What are the doctors saying, is he doing okay?" she asked, sounding worried.
"Oh yeah" Chandler said. "They think he's going to be just fine. They can't guarantee it of course, but he's growing bigger and he's eating okay and everything…"
Monica looked a bit sad.
"I wish I could nurse him…" she said.
"Well, I'm sorry honey, but you can't" Chandler said. "You know you can't. Your milk might have traces of the medication and it might kill him."
"Yeah, I know" Monica said with a sad nod. "But it just feels so strange… Kinda' like I'm not really his mother, you know? When I have to feed him with a bottle."
"Well you are his real mother" Chandler said. "What you have done for him is more than most mothers ever do for their children, and all this before he was even born."
"Thank you…" Monica said, appreciating the compliment.
"So how do you feel, honey?" Chandler asked.
"Bad" Monica admitted. "I've got such a headache, I just want to throw up and my arm is hurting so bad…"
Chandler looked at her sadly.
"Just don't give up, sweetheart" he said. "You've come this far, and now you've got no one else to think about than yourself. You're going to get through this without any doubt. And soon you'll be at home with me and our two babies."
"Chandler what are we going to name him?" Monica asked.
"Well, I guess Virgil is out of the question…"
"I hope you were kidding with even bringing the name up again" Monica said.
"Actually no, but whatever…"
"What else do you think we should name him?" Monica asked.
"I'm happy with whatever you suggest."
"No honey, I wanna hear YOUR suggestions."
"Oh I don't know…" Chandler said. "Something a bit more original perhaps… What do you think?"
Monica sighed.
"I'm not gonna get any suggestions out of you, am I?" she asked.
"What, I was just asking. Anyway, how about…" Chandler thought for a second. "Okay, honestly Monica, I have no suggestions. I've had so much to do and to think about lately that I haven't pondered over names. How about Jason?"
"No…" Monica said. "I wanna stay clear of the mythology thing. Phoebe's been filling my ears about the goddess of sleep, Hyphnos. I've had enough of it."
She shook her head to try to stay awake. She was so tired almost all the time now, and it annoyed her that she sometimes fell asleep in the middle of sentences.
"You okay there?" Chandler asked. "You can go to sleep if you want. I'll stay until you wake up, you know I will."
"Yes sweetie, I know… But I don't want to sleep. I want to name our son."
"He'll still be here when you wake up" Chandler said with a smile. "Well, maybe not in here, but he won't leave the hospital. And there's plenty of time to name him."
"I know, but for a week now we've just been calling him 'baby' or 'our little boy' or 'our son'… I want to call him by a real name."
"Well, Chandler Jr. is taken…" Chandler jokingly said. "And I wouldn't suggest Ross or Joey because the one we don't pick would get mad."
"If it had been a girl we could have named her Phoebe, since she named one of the triplets after you…" Monica pondered. "And Rachel as a middle name."
"So much for no mythology names" Chandler said with a smile. "And I'm really sorry Mrs. Bing, but I accidentally gave you a son instead of a daughter…"
Monica smiled lovingly.
"And I am very thankful… I've wanted a son forever. To at least have one son and one daughter. And I probably won't be able to have any more children."
"Oh believe me Mrs. Bing, getting you pregnant again is definitely out of the question" Chandler said.
"Two 'Mrs. Bing' in one minute, that's more than usual…" Monica said with a weak smile.
"Whatever," Chandler said, "but this pregnancy has caused me more gray hairs than anything else probably will, and I'm not going to go through anything like this ever again."
"What would be the odds?"
"Couldn't care less about odds" Chandler said. "Not after all that talk about the small odds of you getting sick again."
"So…" Monica said, not wanting to talk about her cancer. "What are we going to name him, Chandler?"
"I dunno… Name him after some famous chef. That's what my mom did with me. She was writing her first book when I was born and wanted to have good luck with her career. So she named me after Raymond Chandler."
"And your dad didn't have a say in it?"
"Sure… But he probably thought Raymond Chandler was hot or something…"
Monica chuckled slightly but then had to close her eyes. Chandler looked up and noticed that she'd fallen asleep.
She woke up again twenty minutes later and was happy to see that Chandler still had the baby in his arms.
"Did you figure out any good names while I was asleep?" she asked.
"Yeah. We should name him Defoe after Daniel Defoe."
Monica sighed at his sarcasm, but couldn't help to smile slightly.
"Defoe Bing sounds like The Fool Bing" she said.
She closed her eyes hard again and tried to fight the pain she felt in her arm and her head. In many ways it was easier to just sleep all the time, that way she didn't have to feel all the pain. But she preferred to sleep when somebody else than Chandler was there. She didn't want to miss a second she had together with him.
"Did you dream anything nice?" Chandler asked.
"I don't think I even got to REM sleep…" Monica said. "So no, I didn't dream anything nice… not that I know of, anyway."
"Well welcome to the way I sleep" Chandler said. "I can't remember the last time I remembered a dream." Then he chuckled. "Maybe we could name him Michael after the singer in REM!"
"Chandler don't make yourself sound anymore stupid than you are…" Monica said, with affection in her voice. "It doesn't suit you very well. But what about Gabriel?"
"Oh, I see what you're doing…" Chandler said, pretending to be annoyed. "You're just going for another archangel than the one I suggested!"
"You didn't suggest we'd name him after one."
"Yeah, but still…" Chandler said, then laughed. "Okay, seriously though… Gabriel sounds nice."
"I know. That's why I suggested it" Monica said. "Chandler can I hold him?"
Chandler reached over and placed the infant in her arms. She looked at the baby lovingly.
"So are we agreed, then?" she asked. "Are we naming him Gabriel?"
"I guess so…" Chandler said. "Gabriel Bing. Wow, he's got the perfect name to make a Hollywood career with" he added jokingly.
Monica ignored his comment and smiled at the baby in her arms. Gabriel wasn't the name she'd had in mind originally, but when she thought about it she liked it better than her first idea. And it wasn't too common, either.
Chandler smiled and rose to get the camera he'd brought. He took a picture of the two, then put the camera back in his coat pocket. He then moved the chair a bit further down, so that he was sitting by Monica's waist and not her head. He took her hand and kissed it. They both looked up when Monica's doctor entered the room with a grim face.
"Oh hi" Chandler said. "Guess what? We just gave our son a name."
"Nice" the doctor said, obviously not interested. "May I have a word with the two of you?"
"Yeah, go ahead and talk" Chandler said.
"Monica… How do you feel?" the doctor asked.
"Good, I suppose" Monica said. "My arm really hurts, though… And so does my head… And I'm actually quite tired and all, plus the side effects from the treatment. So I guess I'm not feeling good, after all…"
"Chandler maybe you ought to take the baby" the doctor suggested.
"Don't worry, it doesn't hurt THAT bad…" Monica said.
"So what do you think, doctor?" Chandler asked. "About Monica's condition? Is she doing any better?"
"No" the doctor said straight out.
Chandler and Monica shared a confused look. Then they looked at the doctor.
"God, there's never any easy ways to say this…"
"To say what?" Chandler said, slightly panicked.
"You're gonna have to amputate the arm, aren't you?" Monica said, her eyes tearing.
"Monica the cancer has spread" the doctor said.
"We know" Chandler said. "You… told us before she had the baby…"
"No, I mean it has spread even further. And in your current condition, after labour and all, there's really nothing we can do…"
"What… are you telling us here?" Monica asked.
"We waited too long…" the doctor said, sounding genuinely sad. "The cancer had gone too far and there's no way your body can fight it in it's current condition…"
"But you…" Chandler said, not able to take in what he was hearing. "You told us her chances were GOOD! You told us you would induce labour before she reached that point!"
"We didn't know that the cancer had spread even further" the doctor said. "And there is nothing we can do now."
"How long have I got?" Monica asked, not really comprehending yet either.
"Hard to say. If we keep you in treatment you'll live longer… But it's only a matter of days or weeks."
"Then give me the treatment" Monica said.
The doctor nodded and looked at them for a few seconds.
"I am really sorry…" he said, knowing it was a lame thing to say. It had been his responsibility to save her life and now he had to tell them he had failed. He turned around and left, knowing that they probably wanted to be alone.
Monica was in shock. She just couldn't believe it. It was impossible. Somehow she had always believed she was invincible. Like everyone else she'd never thought anything like this could happen to her.
Chandler had crossed his arms in front of him on her bed, and how he leaned forward and buried his face. Monica realized that he was crying quietly, but frustratingly. Her own eyes teared when she saw him shiver slightly with his sobs. She hadn't seen him cry for years and to se him do so now was what made her feel the worst. She was in a state of shock and couldn't believe that she was dying. But he apparently could. He'd almost been expecting it earlier on.
"Damn you" she heard him whisper through his sobs. "Damn you, damn you, damn you, damn you…"
She started to cry as well. She had let him down. She had promised him that she wouldn't take the pregnancy so far that her own life was in a great risk. And now she was dying because she had waited for too long. She had let him down and now he had to pay the price. No matter how much she feared death she felt more sorry for him in this moment because she knew he had decades ahead of him with two children and a dead wife. She remembered how she'd felt when she hadn't gotten to see him for three days. She had felt terrible, and yet she'd known she would get to see him eventually. He would have to go on feeling the same way only a thousand times more intense, and with the knowledge that he wouldn't ever get to see her again.
Little Gabriel started crying as well. Monica had for a second forgotten he was even there. She started to cry even more, realizing that she wouldn't ever get to see him grow up and she would never get to know him. And she wouldn't get to be there when Regina got older either. She only had a few weeks. Her son would never remember her, and she wasn't even sure her daughter would.
Chandler finally looked up, pulling himself together but unable to stop crying once he'd started.
"Oh Chandler…" Monica said through her tears, unable to tell him how sorry she was and at the moment unable to take care of the baby and make him stop crying.
Chandler reached in and grabbed his son, lifting him over to his own arms and tried to make him stop cry.
"Easy now, Gabriel…" he said quietly with tears still falling down his cheeks. "Don't you worry… I won't let you down. I won't let you down any more than your mother did."
Monica realized when he said that that now she understood what Chandler had been saying before, that he didn't seem to believe anymore. That she would let her children down by dying on them. Now Chandler seemed to think otherwise, but Monica didn't.
"Don't you worry either, Monica…" Chandler said in a whisper. "I'll love him for the both of us." He looked down at the baby who stopped crying. "I will love you just as much as mommy and I love each other."
So please review and let me know what you think... weather it's good comments or bad... and I appologize if this part was a bit mushy...