Always, 11
INTRODUCTION:Just 2 things I wanna say... :) First, I apologise if there are misspellings at some places, but English is not my mother tongue so that's why there might be errors in spelling. And also, as I've mentioned before, I wrote this series at 17 and I am not a Medical Doctor, so the medical stuff may not always make sense. But please have indulgence with me :)!
Monica tried her best not to cry when she saw her daughter. Regina was looking at her with a look on her face that Monica couldn't define. Regina knew that it was over. Chandler had told her that her mother wouldn't survive. Regina didn't understand why, and she didn't really understand what her father meant. She knew that her mother would be gone for a very, very long time, but she couldn't grasp the idea of never getting to see or hear from her mother again.
"You're gonna be gone for a long time…" she said.
"Forever" Monica replied in a whisper.
"Why aren't you coming home?" Regina asked. "Don't you want to come home?"
"More than anything…" Monica said. "But I can't. I'll never get to come back home, sweetie. I'm too sick."
"Will I ever get to see you again?"
"I'm not going away today. But I don't know when I'll die. It could be tomorrow or it could be next month. Nobody seems to know…"
Monica pulled her closer and hugged her tightly. Regina was next to her in the bed, and they were the only ones there. Chandler was in the other room, looking at them through the glass wall but giving them their privacy.
"Why do you have to go away?" Regina whispered.
"Because I'm too sick to be able to get better again. And instead I'm only getting more sick. And in the end I'll die."
"I don't understand that… What happens when you die?"
"Don't you worry about that now…" Monica said. "Because it's not going to happen to you for a very long time. All you need to know right now is that when I die you won't get to see me again. And I won't get to see you."
*
The doctors had said that she might live for a month or two, but when he looked at her, Chandler knew it was only a matter of days. She looked like a shadow of her former self, she was getting sicker by the day and he knew that she wouldn't be able to take more than a few more days in this state.
He sat by her bedside as she slept, wondering what life would be like now. It would soon change in an irreversible way, and although he knew that the best days of his life would be over the minute she died, he also knew that he would have to someday try and live his life with happiness. If not else, for the children. They were his biggest concern for the future. They were both his blessing and his curse. They were his gifts from Monica that would always let him remember her vividly, and that way he was extremely thankful for them. But at the same time they would make it impossible for him to grieve the way he would need to, because he would have to be strong for them. And always put them first.
He was living in a sense of unreality, and he kept hoping that the doctors would come and tell him that it was all just a big mistake. That she would survive, no problem. But deep down inside he knew he was only kidding himself.
Monica woke up and looked at him. Her head was pounding, she didn't even manage to smile at him. She was truly devastated that she would have to die so soon, and she was afraid of what would happen after. And even though she didn't admit it to anyone, least of all her self, she was afraid that Chandler would fall in love again in the future. She wanted him to, partly, because she didn't want him to have to be alone. She didn't want him to be sad throughout the rest of his life. But at the same time she couldn't stand the thought of some other woman with her Chandler, some other woman taking care of her children as if she were their mother. If Chandler remarried, then that woman would become the only real mother Gabriel would know. Monica partly wanted him to have a mother in his life, but at the same time she felt that it was so unfair. She was his real mother, and she had given her life for him, yet he would most likely grow up considering some other woman to be his mother.
Monica knew that she wouldn't have to worry about this happening anytime soon, though. Chandler wouldn't be able to get remarried so soon after her death, it would most likely take him years.
She looked at him and wondered if she would be able to handle the thought of him with another woman as his wife. She had a hard enough time picturing him kissing, touching and sleeping with another woman. But imagining him being in love with some other woman made her heart sink. She didn't want him to, yet she wanted him to get to love again. She felt very torn. And she wondered what would happen after he died, if he'd gotten remarried. If she would get to be together with him or if he would be together with his new wife. And which one of them would be Mommy to her children?
"What are you thinking about?" Chandler asked softly. "You look deep in thought."
"Nothing special" Monica said. Her voice was a lot less than it had been, she didn't really have the strength anymore to talk. Sometimes it just sounded like a whisper, and sometimes she didn't even get a sound out. She had to then hark and try again.
Chandler reached out and started to softly caress her cheek.
"I wish that there was something I could do…" he said. "Because I would do anything. I'd even die myself, so that you could live."
"I wouldn't let you."
"I wouldn't listen to you. I wouldn't let you not let me."
"Chandler I am so sorry, you have to forgive me…" Monica said, getting a few tears in her eyes.
"Forgive you for what?"
"For not listening. For breaking our deal. For dying on you when I promised you that I wouldn't."
Chandler sighed deeply. Then he smiled slightly, but the smile faded in a few seconds.
"Monica you've got nothing to as of my forgiveness for. You saved my son's life. I should THANK you, not FORGIVE you. I've got nothing to forgive you for… But can you forgive me? For being such a pain since we found out you were sick? And for everything else I've done over the years that has hurt your feelings."
"I've got nothing to forgive you for, either" Monica said. "And if there is something, then you're forgiven right this second. For everything you have ever done that you want forgiveness for."
"Thank you" Chandler said, and gave her hand a kiss. "And ditto."
"I never thought it would end up this way…"
"Me neither."
"I love you, Chandler… And I always will."
Chandler took a shivering deep breath. He was quiet for a second, then he met her eyes again.
"At least I know," he said, "that I've loved you every day as much as I could. That I've never forgotten how important you are to me. That since the first time you were sick I have given you everything I've been able to give you. I'm very happy that I won't have to torment myself over the question of weather or not I gave you everything I could."
"And you won't have to wonder weather or not it was enough" Monica said quietly, and gave his cheek a light caress "Thanks to you I've been the happiest woman on earth. And I almost feel like I can die in peace. Because I know that I've loved you as much as I've could, too. That I'VE given YOU all of my love, and everything I've had to give you." She finally smiled, even though it was a small smile. "We've both loved each other as much as we've been able to, and we've really gotten the most out of our marriage."
"And in one way that's what makes it all so horrible…" Chandler said. "How can I go on when that is taken from me? How can I live without you, when I'm used to getting all of that love and affection, how can I function without you by my side? I don't even know how I'll be able to last a week without getting to touch you, feel your scent or to hear your voice."
"Chandler you're gonna be fine…" Monica said softly. "You're strong enough to handle it. I love you, and I know you, and you'll be able to make it even after I'm gone."
"That's really easy for you to say" Chandler said, slightly annoyed. "Because you're the one who's dying. You certainly drew the shortest straw, but on the other hand you won't EVER have to survive alone without your spouse." Then he looked away. "Damn it, I'm sorry…"
"That's okay…" Monica whispered. "Everything is forgiven, remember?" She started to cry. "I know you're going to be worse off. But I also know that Gabriel will know you, and he won't know me. You will get to see our babies grow up, and I won't. And Chandler listen to me, you WILL go on. I know you'll think you won't at first, but I know that you will. In a few years you'll be living life as before again."
Chandler sniffed at that. He pulled her into a hug.
"Nothing's ever gonna be like before to me again. You're always gonna be what I need to be happy."
"That's only what you think now, honey. But in time you'll see things differently. I hope you'll always miss me and always remember me, but I don't want you to be so sad. And I don't want you to spend the rest of your life thinking it's not allowed that you're happy. I want you to try and be as you used to be. Before you and me. I want you to smile and laugh and be happy."
"I'm not the same person I was when we first got together" Chandler said. "I've changed. I've matured. I'm no longer the sarcastic clown I used to be. You've shown me what it's like to be happy, and I've not had the need to throw sarcasms and quips around me left and right. I used to be so bitter, but now I'm not anymore." He sighed. "But I think I might be again. After you… after you die."
Monica sobbed and hugged him closer. She closed her eyes hard and didn't know who she was crying most for, herself, Chandler, Regina or Gabriel.
"Chandler would you do something for me?" she whispered. "Please don't let me die here."
Chandler knew how she'd always felt about hospitals. Of course she wouldn't want to die there. He immediately made up his mind that he would do whatever it took to make sure she could leave the hospital before she died.
"Please take me home…" Monica whispered.
"I promise you that I will" Chandler whispered back. He was quiet for a second, then spoke again. "God must be so happy today. One of his angels is coming back to heaven soon…"
Monica cried harder and once again thought about how she had let him down. She could hear his voice from three years earlier. 'How would you feel on your deathbed knowing that you might have survived if you'd agreed on going through the treatment? How would you feel knowing you'd given up on your life? And how do you think *I* would feel?'
*
Chandler left her alone so she could say goodnight to Regina. Monica leaned over her daughter from her seat in the wheelchair that the doctor had given her. She wasn't able to stand or walk on her own.
"Goodnight, Gina…" she whispered, with a tear falling down her cheek. "Mommy loves you so much. Don't ever forget that."
"I love you too, mommy" Regina said. She knew that something was very wrong, that this might be one of the last times she had together with her mother. She started to cry quietly. Monica gently stroke her cheek.
"Don't cry, sweetie… I'll see you in Nangiala" she said, quoting 'The Lionheart Brothers' by Astrid Lindgren, one of Regina's favorite books.
She sat with her daughter until Regina was asleep, and then she quietly called out for Chandler. He took her back to their own bedroom, carrying her. He didn't want the wheelchair in their room.
Gabriel was asleep in a crib next to the bed, and he woke up just as Chandler and Monica had gotten into bed. Chandler got up again and placed him in Monica's arms. He sat next to her in silence, watching her say goodbye to their son. She didn't know if she would ever get to hold him again.
When the baby was asleep Monica and Chandler lay down again and Chandler turned off the lights. He helped Monica get closer so that she could place her head on his shoulder and her arm across his chest, just like he knew she wanted to lay.
"I love you" he said.
"I love you too" Monica answered. "Thank you for bringing me home."
"Thank you for letting me have you for at least a few years. And thank you for about a thousand other things. I love you more than anything."
"Ditto" Monica whispered.
*
When Chandler woke up the next morning she was dead. He knew it instantly, he didn't even have to look at her. Her body was still warm, but he couldn't tell if she'd died just a short while ago or earlier in the night.
He closed his eyes hard and kissed her gently on the lips. He pulled her limb body into a hug and wished he could fool himself that she was only sleeping. But he knew for sure that she was not.
He got out of bed and went into Regina's bedroom. He woke her up by gently shaking her.
"Gina… Wake up, Regina…" he said. She woke up and looked at him. He lifted her up into his arms. "Mommy's dead, Regina."
She just looked at him, saying nothing. Chandler didn't know what to feel. He couldn't grasp the fact that Monica all of a sudden was beyond reach. He carried Regina into his and Monica's bedroom. He wanted her to get to see her mother for one of the last times, and he wanted her to get to see for herself what death meant. Just telling her that she couldn't ever reach her mother again would only confuse her, he wanted her to get to notice it for herself. And he wanted her to do so while Monica was still warm.
"Mommy" Regina said when Chandler carefully put her down next to Monica.
Regina looked at her mother and started to understand. Her mother looked asleep, but when she tried to shake her she didn't wake up. She wasn't breathing either. Regina tried a little harder to shaker her mother awake, but it didn't take her long to realize what everyone had been saying. Her mother was gone, and she would never get to speak to her again, or feel how much her mother loved her. She started to cry.
At the same time Gabriel, who had been quiet during the night, woke up. Chandler went over to the crib and picked the baby up. Gabriel was hungry, but Chandler didn't have the strength right now to warm formula and feed him. Instead he left the bedroom with the baby in his arms, seeing from the corner of his eye how Regina lay down next to Monica, putting her little arm around her mother.
Chandler went across the hall. It was only five in the morning, but he didn't hesitate for a second to wake Rachel up and ask her to take care of feeding Gabriel.
"Chandler what's wrong?" Rachel asked, very sleepy and rubbing her eyes.
"Monica's dead" Chandler answered, reporting it as if he were a stranger. "And I just can't… handle feeding Gabriel right now. Won't you please?"
Rachel nodded. Of course she would. She took the baby from Chandler and mechanically heated the milk while Chandler went back home to his own apartment. It wasn't until she sat down and started to feed the baby from the bottle, that she realized what Chandler had told her. Monica was dead.
*
Regina had fallen asleep next to her mother. Chandler carefully lifted her up and carried her over to her own bed. He didn't want her to wake up and find her mother's body cold. Enough was enough, and she had had all the encounters with death that he felt she needed. He went back into the bedroom and got into the bed. He lay down next to Monica himself, and put her arm around him as he put one of his around her. He felt strange. He'd imagined that he would feel so devastated in this moment, that he would be sadder than ever before. But all he felt was empty. It didn't occur to him that he was in a state of shock, that his mind hadn't really registered the fact that he wouldn't ever get to be together with Monica again. And as long as he held her dead body close, he could fool himself that he could keep her for a while longer. But he knew that he had already lost her.
*
Monica's funeral was two weeks later. In those two weeks not much had changed around the apartment. Chandler hadn't cleaned and Monica's things were left exactly where she'd left them. The calendar showed the date of Monica's death. Chandler hadn't bothered to rip off another day from it. He probably wouldn't, either. His time had somehow stopped in the minute her life did.
His friends had had to help him plan the funeral. Chandler felt sick to his stomach just thinking about it. With the whole process of catering and invitations it almost seemed like a party, and Chandler wanted nothing to do with it. He would prefer just a simple ceremony in the church and then the funeral service. Having lots of people come over and tell him and Regina how sorry they were for their loss didn't appeal to Chandler. And he knew he would feel like a stranger when people said those words to him. It was only his four best friends that could on some level comfort him with words. Nothing anyone else said had any affect. Regina was mostly quiet, and when she spoke it was rarely about Monica. When it was though, Chandler was moved by her honesty. She said exactly what she was feeling, unlike most of the other people he talked to, since they somehow felt they had to mind their words around him.
Without even knowing it himself Chandler was slowly but steadily closing himself up. He hardly talked to anyone about his feelings and his thoughts. But he didn't see it as strange himself, because the person he'd always talked to about those kind of things was the person that was now dead. Ross was too close to Monica himself, as her brother, so he was too caught up in his own grief to be able to deal with Chandler's as well, and Chandler knew that Joey had once had a major crush on Monica that had never really gone away. Joey was suffering a great loss as well, and Chandler found it awkward to talk to Joey about Monica's death. It was awkward talking to someone who'd also been in love with her. And Chandler had never had the kind of good contact with Phoebe and Rachel that he needed to be able to talk to them. They were his close friends, but they weren't close enough, and that left them in some sort of no-man's-land in Chandler's emotional life. And talking to Monica's parents wasn't even an option for him. And his own parents would only fly in for the funeral, it felt like too little time to talk to them.
Rachel and Phoebe were left in charge of planning the memorial service, without any formal decisions. Chandler only kept half an eye on what they were planning. To him it all felt meaningless. What was even the point of a memorial service? To say goodbye? Chandler had already done that. To hear people say nice things about his wife? Chandler preferred to hear that directly to his face, instead of like a speech in front of a crowd. Chandler only objected at one point in the planning. Rachel wanted to play Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On' and Phoebe wanted to play Puff Daddy and Faith Evan's 'I'll Be Missing You'. Chandler blankly refused. He didn't want the same type of songs that were played at almost every funeral. Monica was special, she was different from the rest, and Chandler didn't want her funeral to become just like everyone else's. He quickly decided that they would play Paul McCartney's 'Yesterday' and No Mercy's 'When I Die'. The last song had been a request from Monica. She had asked him to listen to it whenever he missed her too much, and Chandler decided in the moment she said it that it would be played at the memorial service.
Chandler sat in the front row with Regina in his lap. Gabriel was in Ross's lap, sitting right next to Chandler. They were listening to the first tunes of 'Yesterday', and Chandler had his eyes on the coffin where Monica lay. It was an open casket, but he couldn't see into it from where he was sitting. He knew that he would soon have to hold his little goodbye-speech to her, and he didn't want to. He had so much that he wanted to say to her, but he didn't want to say it in this way. He wanted it to be said as something personal between just the two of them. He wondered if Monica somewhere somehow understood him and knew what he was thinking.
Yesterday
All my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh I believe in yesterday
Suddenly
I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh yesterday came suddenly
Why she
Had to go I don't know
She wouldn't say
I'd said something wrong
How I long
For yesterday
Yesterday
Love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh I believe
In yesterday
Chandler mechanically handed Regina over to his mother, sitting to his right. He knew that it was his turn to say something nice about Monica, and to thank everyone for being there today, and so on. Suddenly he made up his mind to just say what he was feeling, instead of what he had planned to say at first.
"I guess I should start by thanking everyone for being here…" he began. "I didn't realize we knew so many people. Or that Monica's life made a difference to so many. Especially to me and our children. But if you expect me to hold a tearful speech about how much I love her and how much I'm going to miss her, then I'm sorry. I've never been a person who's easily been able to talk about what's in my heart, especially not in front of a crowd. The only person whom I've ever been able to talk to about anything at all, is the person I'm here to say goodbye to. And what I have to say to her about my missing and my sorrow is something I can't really tell so many people. Those things are just for her to hear, just like I've so often whispered my secrets and my emotions in her ear in the nights. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her. And there's nothing I wouldn't sacrifice for her. I don't want to take away any of the things that were so special between her and me, and that includes her ability to make it easy for me to talk about what emotions I hide inside. And because I don't want to ruin that now, or take that away from her even in her death, I'm not going to spell out my sorrow for all of you." He looked down at her in the coffin. "But I will say that you'll be missed, Monica. You're my soulmate, and you're the mother of my children. They will miss you, but not as much as I will. Nobody can ever take your place, and even though you're now my guardian angel up in the sky, I'd still rather go through eleven years of misery as long as I had you by my side. Because as long as you're with me, I could never be truly miserable. You've always stood in-between me and misery. You've been the wall that sorrow couldn't break through. But now you're gone, and now you're what will forever keep me from being happy. In my life, happiness is synonymous with you, and that will never ever change. Goodbye Monica, I loved you so."
He finally took his eyes off her. She looked as beautiful as always even in death, but he forced himself not to look at her anymore. She was wearing a white dress that Chandler had bought for her on their honeymoon, and her hair was shiny. Chemotherapy hadn't gotten so far as to making her loose her hair. Around her neck she had a silver necklace with a cross, that her mother had given to her for her birthday six years earlier. And on her left ring finger she had her wedding band, while her right ring finger now wore her engagement ring. Chandler had decided to let her wear it in the last minute. He'd originally wanted to be able to give it to Regina sometime in the future when she got married, or to Gabriel when he someday decided to propose to his girlfriend. But then he'd decided to let Monica wear it.
He went back to his seat and his mother handed him Regina back. Chandler hugged her tightly, comforted by the knowledge that it was Monica's daughter that was in his arms. The priest spoke for a few minutes, and then 'When I Die' started to play. Chandler closed his eyes and did as Monica had asked him to. He let himself pretend that it was Monica speaking to him, sending him a message of some kind. And he found himself comforted by that thought.
You give me strength when I start to worry
You life me up when I'm feeling sorry
Building me up with love and affection
When I'm in danger you're my protection
And I'm the one that you can depend upon
I'll always treat you right, never do you wrong
Just be the love burning inside of me
It's gonna last for eternity
For eternity
For eternity
'Cause baby I love you
Baby I need you
Yes I do
And when I die I keep on living
You'll always have my love seeing you through
I'll be your angel up in heaven
Forever all my love will shine on you
'Cause baby I love you
Baby I need you
Yes I do
Now you've got someone you can believe in
No one can take away what we're feeling
Our love is strong, it goes on forever
No one will ever love you better
And when I'm gone I'll still be true to you
The seed of love lives inside of you
I'll be your angel up in heaven
And all my love will shine down on you
For eternity
For eternity
'Cause baby I love you
Baby I need you
Yes I do
And when I die I keep on living
You'll always have my love seeing you through
I'll be your angel up in heaven
Forever all my love will shine on you
Baby I love you
Yes I do
And when I die I keep on living
You'll always have my love seeing you through
I'll be your angel up in heaven
Forever all my love will shine on you
Baby I love you
Baby I need you
Yes I do
*
Chandler soon realized that how he'd thought life would be like once Monica was gone was an easy life compared to how it turned out. He had never felt such a pain before in all his life. Every night he went to bed and faced the emptiness of a bed for two with only one person sleeping in it. Everything was directly linked to Monica, the sheets smelled like her, her favorite pillow had straws of her black hair on it, each item of clothing in the wardrobe that was hers held several memories of Monica wearing them at different occasions. The couch in the living room was the same one that Monica had had before she and Chandler got together, and it was so filled with memories that Chandler couldn't even sit on it. Every second that he was awake he fought with an incredible pain that almost drove him insane. And as soon as he went to sleep he would dream about her. If the dreams were good it would only make him miss her so much more when he woke up, and if the dreams were bad they would fill him with more sadness and with guilt. And the worst part was that he wasn't allowed to grief.
Regina needed attention, she needed his help to get through it all. Chandler knew that small children can grief just like adults, and that the worst thing he could possibly do was to pretend that Regina didn't know what was happening really and that she didn't understand death well enough to mourn her mother. He knew that Monica's death had taken away the person in Regina's life that always had time for her and always gave her love and affection. Chandler tried his best to do that for her as well, but nothing could compensate the loss of her mother's love.
And then there was Gabriel. He was definitely too little to miss Monica, but Chandler had a feeling that he missed her in the sense that he missed a mother. No matter how hard he tried with Gabriel it would be the same thing as it was with Regina, that his affections as a father couldn't compensate those of a mother, since Chandler had to fill the role of two parents. And even if Gabriel's mourning was the loss of the person who'd given him life and who had a connection to him like no one else ever could, he was still way too small to know how big his loss had really been. And he would never know either, because he would never get to know what his mother was like, and he would never remember her smile or her voice.
Gabriel was the one of the children that took most of Chandler's time. He'd never taken care of an infant on his own before, and now he had a four year-old to look after as well. He knew his friends were there to help him out, but the children needed a parent, not just a care taker.
*
"Chandler get a grip!" Ross whined, four weeks after Monica's death. "You're moping around too much! Just take a look at the apartment, it's dusty and dirty, Monica would go crazy if she knew!"
Chandler didn't reply. Ross wasn't exactly doing much else than moping around either. He shouldn't be complaining.
"At least sort through my sister's stuff, okay? Throw stuff away, put stuff in boxes, but just get on with it! You've got to do that part, nobody else but you should be going through her stuff."
"I'm not even so sure I should" Chandler replied. Yet that night he found himself sitting by the small writing desk in the bedroom, looking through the two top drawers. Those two were Monica's, the bottom two were his.
It had been a silent agreement between Monica and him to never look through the other one's drawers. Monica kept her diary in one of the drawers, Chandler knew that much. And he also knew that she kept a few poems she had written and some short stories and things like that.
"Ross is out of his mind…" Chandler muttered. "Throw stuff away? No way! I'm not throwing any of your stuff away, Mon!" Without noticing it he started talking to her, as if he expected her to answer. "I hope you don't mind that I'm looking through your drawers, though. I don't mean to snoop, and I promise you that I won't open your diary or read through any of your things. Just throw away some old pads and gather all the pens and rulers and stuff…"
He finished with the lower drawer and closed it. He placed the two pencils he'd found on the desk and then threw away a box of crayons that he'd found. He wondered what she had used them for, but he didn't bother to try and find any pictures she might have painted or anything. What was hers then was still hers now, and it was still as private.
He glanced at the calendar and thought about ripping off enough days to reach the exact date, but then he let it be. He calendar still stood on the day before valentine's day. The day of Monica's death, exactly two weeks after the birth of Gabriel.
He opened up the top drawer and picked up the first bunch of papers. Something was written on the top paper, and his eyes fell on the letters.
'I will always be with you'
Chandler remembered. Of course he remembered. And he realized she'd written him this note and sent it with Rachel or Ross or someone else, so that he could find it. He broke down and cried, for the first time since he'd found out she was dying.
DISCLAIMER: The characters from "Friends" aren't mine now anymore than they were when I wrote the other parts... :) And the lyrics for "Yesterday" belong to Paul McCartney. The lyrics for "When I Die" belong to Farina, Bischof, Warren and Kawohl... whoever they are, lol...
Please review. And please read part 12 as well... Don't give up now!!! ;)!
INTRODUCTION:Just 2 things I wanna say... :) First, I apologise if there are misspellings at some places, but English is not my mother tongue so that's why there might be errors in spelling. And also, as I've mentioned before, I wrote this series at 17 and I am not a Medical Doctor, so the medical stuff may not always make sense. But please have indulgence with me :)!
Monica tried her best not to cry when she saw her daughter. Regina was looking at her with a look on her face that Monica couldn't define. Regina knew that it was over. Chandler had told her that her mother wouldn't survive. Regina didn't understand why, and she didn't really understand what her father meant. She knew that her mother would be gone for a very, very long time, but she couldn't grasp the idea of never getting to see or hear from her mother again.
"You're gonna be gone for a long time…" she said.
"Forever" Monica replied in a whisper.
"Why aren't you coming home?" Regina asked. "Don't you want to come home?"
"More than anything…" Monica said. "But I can't. I'll never get to come back home, sweetie. I'm too sick."
"Will I ever get to see you again?"
"I'm not going away today. But I don't know when I'll die. It could be tomorrow or it could be next month. Nobody seems to know…"
Monica pulled her closer and hugged her tightly. Regina was next to her in the bed, and they were the only ones there. Chandler was in the other room, looking at them through the glass wall but giving them their privacy.
"Why do you have to go away?" Regina whispered.
"Because I'm too sick to be able to get better again. And instead I'm only getting more sick. And in the end I'll die."
"I don't understand that… What happens when you die?"
"Don't you worry about that now…" Monica said. "Because it's not going to happen to you for a very long time. All you need to know right now is that when I die you won't get to see me again. And I won't get to see you."
*
The doctors had said that she might live for a month or two, but when he looked at her, Chandler knew it was only a matter of days. She looked like a shadow of her former self, she was getting sicker by the day and he knew that she wouldn't be able to take more than a few more days in this state.
He sat by her bedside as she slept, wondering what life would be like now. It would soon change in an irreversible way, and although he knew that the best days of his life would be over the minute she died, he also knew that he would have to someday try and live his life with happiness. If not else, for the children. They were his biggest concern for the future. They were both his blessing and his curse. They were his gifts from Monica that would always let him remember her vividly, and that way he was extremely thankful for them. But at the same time they would make it impossible for him to grieve the way he would need to, because he would have to be strong for them. And always put them first.
He was living in a sense of unreality, and he kept hoping that the doctors would come and tell him that it was all just a big mistake. That she would survive, no problem. But deep down inside he knew he was only kidding himself.
Monica woke up and looked at him. Her head was pounding, she didn't even manage to smile at him. She was truly devastated that she would have to die so soon, and she was afraid of what would happen after. And even though she didn't admit it to anyone, least of all her self, she was afraid that Chandler would fall in love again in the future. She wanted him to, partly, because she didn't want him to have to be alone. She didn't want him to be sad throughout the rest of his life. But at the same time she couldn't stand the thought of some other woman with her Chandler, some other woman taking care of her children as if she were their mother. If Chandler remarried, then that woman would become the only real mother Gabriel would know. Monica partly wanted him to have a mother in his life, but at the same time she felt that it was so unfair. She was his real mother, and she had given her life for him, yet he would most likely grow up considering some other woman to be his mother.
Monica knew that she wouldn't have to worry about this happening anytime soon, though. Chandler wouldn't be able to get remarried so soon after her death, it would most likely take him years.
She looked at him and wondered if she would be able to handle the thought of him with another woman as his wife. She had a hard enough time picturing him kissing, touching and sleeping with another woman. But imagining him being in love with some other woman made her heart sink. She didn't want him to, yet she wanted him to get to love again. She felt very torn. And she wondered what would happen after he died, if he'd gotten remarried. If she would get to be together with him or if he would be together with his new wife. And which one of them would be Mommy to her children?
"What are you thinking about?" Chandler asked softly. "You look deep in thought."
"Nothing special" Monica said. Her voice was a lot less than it had been, she didn't really have the strength anymore to talk. Sometimes it just sounded like a whisper, and sometimes she didn't even get a sound out. She had to then hark and try again.
Chandler reached out and started to softly caress her cheek.
"I wish that there was something I could do…" he said. "Because I would do anything. I'd even die myself, so that you could live."
"I wouldn't let you."
"I wouldn't listen to you. I wouldn't let you not let me."
"Chandler I am so sorry, you have to forgive me…" Monica said, getting a few tears in her eyes.
"Forgive you for what?"
"For not listening. For breaking our deal. For dying on you when I promised you that I wouldn't."
Chandler sighed deeply. Then he smiled slightly, but the smile faded in a few seconds.
"Monica you've got nothing to as of my forgiveness for. You saved my son's life. I should THANK you, not FORGIVE you. I've got nothing to forgive you for… But can you forgive me? For being such a pain since we found out you were sick? And for everything else I've done over the years that has hurt your feelings."
"I've got nothing to forgive you for, either" Monica said. "And if there is something, then you're forgiven right this second. For everything you have ever done that you want forgiveness for."
"Thank you" Chandler said, and gave her hand a kiss. "And ditto."
"I never thought it would end up this way…"
"Me neither."
"I love you, Chandler… And I always will."
Chandler took a shivering deep breath. He was quiet for a second, then he met her eyes again.
"At least I know," he said, "that I've loved you every day as much as I could. That I've never forgotten how important you are to me. That since the first time you were sick I have given you everything I've been able to give you. I'm very happy that I won't have to torment myself over the question of weather or not I gave you everything I could."
"And you won't have to wonder weather or not it was enough" Monica said quietly, and gave his cheek a light caress "Thanks to you I've been the happiest woman on earth. And I almost feel like I can die in peace. Because I know that I've loved you as much as I've could, too. That I'VE given YOU all of my love, and everything I've had to give you." She finally smiled, even though it was a small smile. "We've both loved each other as much as we've been able to, and we've really gotten the most out of our marriage."
"And in one way that's what makes it all so horrible…" Chandler said. "How can I go on when that is taken from me? How can I live without you, when I'm used to getting all of that love and affection, how can I function without you by my side? I don't even know how I'll be able to last a week without getting to touch you, feel your scent or to hear your voice."
"Chandler you're gonna be fine…" Monica said softly. "You're strong enough to handle it. I love you, and I know you, and you'll be able to make it even after I'm gone."
"That's really easy for you to say" Chandler said, slightly annoyed. "Because you're the one who's dying. You certainly drew the shortest straw, but on the other hand you won't EVER have to survive alone without your spouse." Then he looked away. "Damn it, I'm sorry…"
"That's okay…" Monica whispered. "Everything is forgiven, remember?" She started to cry. "I know you're going to be worse off. But I also know that Gabriel will know you, and he won't know me. You will get to see our babies grow up, and I won't. And Chandler listen to me, you WILL go on. I know you'll think you won't at first, but I know that you will. In a few years you'll be living life as before again."
Chandler sniffed at that. He pulled her into a hug.
"Nothing's ever gonna be like before to me again. You're always gonna be what I need to be happy."
"That's only what you think now, honey. But in time you'll see things differently. I hope you'll always miss me and always remember me, but I don't want you to be so sad. And I don't want you to spend the rest of your life thinking it's not allowed that you're happy. I want you to try and be as you used to be. Before you and me. I want you to smile and laugh and be happy."
"I'm not the same person I was when we first got together" Chandler said. "I've changed. I've matured. I'm no longer the sarcastic clown I used to be. You've shown me what it's like to be happy, and I've not had the need to throw sarcasms and quips around me left and right. I used to be so bitter, but now I'm not anymore." He sighed. "But I think I might be again. After you… after you die."
Monica sobbed and hugged him closer. She closed her eyes hard and didn't know who she was crying most for, herself, Chandler, Regina or Gabriel.
"Chandler would you do something for me?" she whispered. "Please don't let me die here."
Chandler knew how she'd always felt about hospitals. Of course she wouldn't want to die there. He immediately made up his mind that he would do whatever it took to make sure she could leave the hospital before she died.
"Please take me home…" Monica whispered.
"I promise you that I will" Chandler whispered back. He was quiet for a second, then spoke again. "God must be so happy today. One of his angels is coming back to heaven soon…"
Monica cried harder and once again thought about how she had let him down. She could hear his voice from three years earlier. 'How would you feel on your deathbed knowing that you might have survived if you'd agreed on going through the treatment? How would you feel knowing you'd given up on your life? And how do you think *I* would feel?'
*
Chandler left her alone so she could say goodnight to Regina. Monica leaned over her daughter from her seat in the wheelchair that the doctor had given her. She wasn't able to stand or walk on her own.
"Goodnight, Gina…" she whispered, with a tear falling down her cheek. "Mommy loves you so much. Don't ever forget that."
"I love you too, mommy" Regina said. She knew that something was very wrong, that this might be one of the last times she had together with her mother. She started to cry quietly. Monica gently stroke her cheek.
"Don't cry, sweetie… I'll see you in Nangiala" she said, quoting 'The Lionheart Brothers' by Astrid Lindgren, one of Regina's favorite books.
She sat with her daughter until Regina was asleep, and then she quietly called out for Chandler. He took her back to their own bedroom, carrying her. He didn't want the wheelchair in their room.
Gabriel was asleep in a crib next to the bed, and he woke up just as Chandler and Monica had gotten into bed. Chandler got up again and placed him in Monica's arms. He sat next to her in silence, watching her say goodbye to their son. She didn't know if she would ever get to hold him again.
When the baby was asleep Monica and Chandler lay down again and Chandler turned off the lights. He helped Monica get closer so that she could place her head on his shoulder and her arm across his chest, just like he knew she wanted to lay.
"I love you" he said.
"I love you too" Monica answered. "Thank you for bringing me home."
"Thank you for letting me have you for at least a few years. And thank you for about a thousand other things. I love you more than anything."
"Ditto" Monica whispered.
*
When Chandler woke up the next morning she was dead. He knew it instantly, he didn't even have to look at her. Her body was still warm, but he couldn't tell if she'd died just a short while ago or earlier in the night.
He closed his eyes hard and kissed her gently on the lips. He pulled her limb body into a hug and wished he could fool himself that she was only sleeping. But he knew for sure that she was not.
He got out of bed and went into Regina's bedroom. He woke her up by gently shaking her.
"Gina… Wake up, Regina…" he said. She woke up and looked at him. He lifted her up into his arms. "Mommy's dead, Regina."
She just looked at him, saying nothing. Chandler didn't know what to feel. He couldn't grasp the fact that Monica all of a sudden was beyond reach. He carried Regina into his and Monica's bedroom. He wanted her to get to see her mother for one of the last times, and he wanted her to get to see for herself what death meant. Just telling her that she couldn't ever reach her mother again would only confuse her, he wanted her to get to notice it for herself. And he wanted her to do so while Monica was still warm.
"Mommy" Regina said when Chandler carefully put her down next to Monica.
Regina looked at her mother and started to understand. Her mother looked asleep, but when she tried to shake her she didn't wake up. She wasn't breathing either. Regina tried a little harder to shaker her mother awake, but it didn't take her long to realize what everyone had been saying. Her mother was gone, and she would never get to speak to her again, or feel how much her mother loved her. She started to cry.
At the same time Gabriel, who had been quiet during the night, woke up. Chandler went over to the crib and picked the baby up. Gabriel was hungry, but Chandler didn't have the strength right now to warm formula and feed him. Instead he left the bedroom with the baby in his arms, seeing from the corner of his eye how Regina lay down next to Monica, putting her little arm around her mother.
Chandler went across the hall. It was only five in the morning, but he didn't hesitate for a second to wake Rachel up and ask her to take care of feeding Gabriel.
"Chandler what's wrong?" Rachel asked, very sleepy and rubbing her eyes.
"Monica's dead" Chandler answered, reporting it as if he were a stranger. "And I just can't… handle feeding Gabriel right now. Won't you please?"
Rachel nodded. Of course she would. She took the baby from Chandler and mechanically heated the milk while Chandler went back home to his own apartment. It wasn't until she sat down and started to feed the baby from the bottle, that she realized what Chandler had told her. Monica was dead.
*
Regina had fallen asleep next to her mother. Chandler carefully lifted her up and carried her over to her own bed. He didn't want her to wake up and find her mother's body cold. Enough was enough, and she had had all the encounters with death that he felt she needed. He went back into the bedroom and got into the bed. He lay down next to Monica himself, and put her arm around him as he put one of his around her. He felt strange. He'd imagined that he would feel so devastated in this moment, that he would be sadder than ever before. But all he felt was empty. It didn't occur to him that he was in a state of shock, that his mind hadn't really registered the fact that he wouldn't ever get to be together with Monica again. And as long as he held her dead body close, he could fool himself that he could keep her for a while longer. But he knew that he had already lost her.
*
Monica's funeral was two weeks later. In those two weeks not much had changed around the apartment. Chandler hadn't cleaned and Monica's things were left exactly where she'd left them. The calendar showed the date of Monica's death. Chandler hadn't bothered to rip off another day from it. He probably wouldn't, either. His time had somehow stopped in the minute her life did.
His friends had had to help him plan the funeral. Chandler felt sick to his stomach just thinking about it. With the whole process of catering and invitations it almost seemed like a party, and Chandler wanted nothing to do with it. He would prefer just a simple ceremony in the church and then the funeral service. Having lots of people come over and tell him and Regina how sorry they were for their loss didn't appeal to Chandler. And he knew he would feel like a stranger when people said those words to him. It was only his four best friends that could on some level comfort him with words. Nothing anyone else said had any affect. Regina was mostly quiet, and when she spoke it was rarely about Monica. When it was though, Chandler was moved by her honesty. She said exactly what she was feeling, unlike most of the other people he talked to, since they somehow felt they had to mind their words around him.
Without even knowing it himself Chandler was slowly but steadily closing himself up. He hardly talked to anyone about his feelings and his thoughts. But he didn't see it as strange himself, because the person he'd always talked to about those kind of things was the person that was now dead. Ross was too close to Monica himself, as her brother, so he was too caught up in his own grief to be able to deal with Chandler's as well, and Chandler knew that Joey had once had a major crush on Monica that had never really gone away. Joey was suffering a great loss as well, and Chandler found it awkward to talk to Joey about Monica's death. It was awkward talking to someone who'd also been in love with her. And Chandler had never had the kind of good contact with Phoebe and Rachel that he needed to be able to talk to them. They were his close friends, but they weren't close enough, and that left them in some sort of no-man's-land in Chandler's emotional life. And talking to Monica's parents wasn't even an option for him. And his own parents would only fly in for the funeral, it felt like too little time to talk to them.
Rachel and Phoebe were left in charge of planning the memorial service, without any formal decisions. Chandler only kept half an eye on what they were planning. To him it all felt meaningless. What was even the point of a memorial service? To say goodbye? Chandler had already done that. To hear people say nice things about his wife? Chandler preferred to hear that directly to his face, instead of like a speech in front of a crowd. Chandler only objected at one point in the planning. Rachel wanted to play Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On' and Phoebe wanted to play Puff Daddy and Faith Evan's 'I'll Be Missing You'. Chandler blankly refused. He didn't want the same type of songs that were played at almost every funeral. Monica was special, she was different from the rest, and Chandler didn't want her funeral to become just like everyone else's. He quickly decided that they would play Paul McCartney's 'Yesterday' and No Mercy's 'When I Die'. The last song had been a request from Monica. She had asked him to listen to it whenever he missed her too much, and Chandler decided in the moment she said it that it would be played at the memorial service.
Chandler sat in the front row with Regina in his lap. Gabriel was in Ross's lap, sitting right next to Chandler. They were listening to the first tunes of 'Yesterday', and Chandler had his eyes on the coffin where Monica lay. It was an open casket, but he couldn't see into it from where he was sitting. He knew that he would soon have to hold his little goodbye-speech to her, and he didn't want to. He had so much that he wanted to say to her, but he didn't want to say it in this way. He wanted it to be said as something personal between just the two of them. He wondered if Monica somewhere somehow understood him and knew what he was thinking.
Yesterday
All my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh I believe in yesterday
Suddenly
I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh yesterday came suddenly
Why she
Had to go I don't know
She wouldn't say
I'd said something wrong
How I long
For yesterday
Yesterday
Love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh I believe
In yesterday
Chandler mechanically handed Regina over to his mother, sitting to his right. He knew that it was his turn to say something nice about Monica, and to thank everyone for being there today, and so on. Suddenly he made up his mind to just say what he was feeling, instead of what he had planned to say at first.
"I guess I should start by thanking everyone for being here…" he began. "I didn't realize we knew so many people. Or that Monica's life made a difference to so many. Especially to me and our children. But if you expect me to hold a tearful speech about how much I love her and how much I'm going to miss her, then I'm sorry. I've never been a person who's easily been able to talk about what's in my heart, especially not in front of a crowd. The only person whom I've ever been able to talk to about anything at all, is the person I'm here to say goodbye to. And what I have to say to her about my missing and my sorrow is something I can't really tell so many people. Those things are just for her to hear, just like I've so often whispered my secrets and my emotions in her ear in the nights. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her. And there's nothing I wouldn't sacrifice for her. I don't want to take away any of the things that were so special between her and me, and that includes her ability to make it easy for me to talk about what emotions I hide inside. And because I don't want to ruin that now, or take that away from her even in her death, I'm not going to spell out my sorrow for all of you." He looked down at her in the coffin. "But I will say that you'll be missed, Monica. You're my soulmate, and you're the mother of my children. They will miss you, but not as much as I will. Nobody can ever take your place, and even though you're now my guardian angel up in the sky, I'd still rather go through eleven years of misery as long as I had you by my side. Because as long as you're with me, I could never be truly miserable. You've always stood in-between me and misery. You've been the wall that sorrow couldn't break through. But now you're gone, and now you're what will forever keep me from being happy. In my life, happiness is synonymous with you, and that will never ever change. Goodbye Monica, I loved you so."
He finally took his eyes off her. She looked as beautiful as always even in death, but he forced himself not to look at her anymore. She was wearing a white dress that Chandler had bought for her on their honeymoon, and her hair was shiny. Chemotherapy hadn't gotten so far as to making her loose her hair. Around her neck she had a silver necklace with a cross, that her mother had given to her for her birthday six years earlier. And on her left ring finger she had her wedding band, while her right ring finger now wore her engagement ring. Chandler had decided to let her wear it in the last minute. He'd originally wanted to be able to give it to Regina sometime in the future when she got married, or to Gabriel when he someday decided to propose to his girlfriend. But then he'd decided to let Monica wear it.
He went back to his seat and his mother handed him Regina back. Chandler hugged her tightly, comforted by the knowledge that it was Monica's daughter that was in his arms. The priest spoke for a few minutes, and then 'When I Die' started to play. Chandler closed his eyes and did as Monica had asked him to. He let himself pretend that it was Monica speaking to him, sending him a message of some kind. And he found himself comforted by that thought.
You give me strength when I start to worry
You life me up when I'm feeling sorry
Building me up with love and affection
When I'm in danger you're my protection
And I'm the one that you can depend upon
I'll always treat you right, never do you wrong
Just be the love burning inside of me
It's gonna last for eternity
For eternity
For eternity
'Cause baby I love you
Baby I need you
Yes I do
And when I die I keep on living
You'll always have my love seeing you through
I'll be your angel up in heaven
Forever all my love will shine on you
'Cause baby I love you
Baby I need you
Yes I do
Now you've got someone you can believe in
No one can take away what we're feeling
Our love is strong, it goes on forever
No one will ever love you better
And when I'm gone I'll still be true to you
The seed of love lives inside of you
I'll be your angel up in heaven
And all my love will shine down on you
For eternity
For eternity
'Cause baby I love you
Baby I need you
Yes I do
And when I die I keep on living
You'll always have my love seeing you through
I'll be your angel up in heaven
Forever all my love will shine on you
Baby I love you
Yes I do
And when I die I keep on living
You'll always have my love seeing you through
I'll be your angel up in heaven
Forever all my love will shine on you
Baby I love you
Baby I need you
Yes I do
*
Chandler soon realized that how he'd thought life would be like once Monica was gone was an easy life compared to how it turned out. He had never felt such a pain before in all his life. Every night he went to bed and faced the emptiness of a bed for two with only one person sleeping in it. Everything was directly linked to Monica, the sheets smelled like her, her favorite pillow had straws of her black hair on it, each item of clothing in the wardrobe that was hers held several memories of Monica wearing them at different occasions. The couch in the living room was the same one that Monica had had before she and Chandler got together, and it was so filled with memories that Chandler couldn't even sit on it. Every second that he was awake he fought with an incredible pain that almost drove him insane. And as soon as he went to sleep he would dream about her. If the dreams were good it would only make him miss her so much more when he woke up, and if the dreams were bad they would fill him with more sadness and with guilt. And the worst part was that he wasn't allowed to grief.
Regina needed attention, she needed his help to get through it all. Chandler knew that small children can grief just like adults, and that the worst thing he could possibly do was to pretend that Regina didn't know what was happening really and that she didn't understand death well enough to mourn her mother. He knew that Monica's death had taken away the person in Regina's life that always had time for her and always gave her love and affection. Chandler tried his best to do that for her as well, but nothing could compensate the loss of her mother's love.
And then there was Gabriel. He was definitely too little to miss Monica, but Chandler had a feeling that he missed her in the sense that he missed a mother. No matter how hard he tried with Gabriel it would be the same thing as it was with Regina, that his affections as a father couldn't compensate those of a mother, since Chandler had to fill the role of two parents. And even if Gabriel's mourning was the loss of the person who'd given him life and who had a connection to him like no one else ever could, he was still way too small to know how big his loss had really been. And he would never know either, because he would never get to know what his mother was like, and he would never remember her smile or her voice.
Gabriel was the one of the children that took most of Chandler's time. He'd never taken care of an infant on his own before, and now he had a four year-old to look after as well. He knew his friends were there to help him out, but the children needed a parent, not just a care taker.
*
"Chandler get a grip!" Ross whined, four weeks after Monica's death. "You're moping around too much! Just take a look at the apartment, it's dusty and dirty, Monica would go crazy if she knew!"
Chandler didn't reply. Ross wasn't exactly doing much else than moping around either. He shouldn't be complaining.
"At least sort through my sister's stuff, okay? Throw stuff away, put stuff in boxes, but just get on with it! You've got to do that part, nobody else but you should be going through her stuff."
"I'm not even so sure I should" Chandler replied. Yet that night he found himself sitting by the small writing desk in the bedroom, looking through the two top drawers. Those two were Monica's, the bottom two were his.
It had been a silent agreement between Monica and him to never look through the other one's drawers. Monica kept her diary in one of the drawers, Chandler knew that much. And he also knew that she kept a few poems she had written and some short stories and things like that.
"Ross is out of his mind…" Chandler muttered. "Throw stuff away? No way! I'm not throwing any of your stuff away, Mon!" Without noticing it he started talking to her, as if he expected her to answer. "I hope you don't mind that I'm looking through your drawers, though. I don't mean to snoop, and I promise you that I won't open your diary or read through any of your things. Just throw away some old pads and gather all the pens and rulers and stuff…"
He finished with the lower drawer and closed it. He placed the two pencils he'd found on the desk and then threw away a box of crayons that he'd found. He wondered what she had used them for, but he didn't bother to try and find any pictures she might have painted or anything. What was hers then was still hers now, and it was still as private.
He glanced at the calendar and thought about ripping off enough days to reach the exact date, but then he let it be. He calendar still stood on the day before valentine's day. The day of Monica's death, exactly two weeks after the birth of Gabriel.
He opened up the top drawer and picked up the first bunch of papers. Something was written on the top paper, and his eyes fell on the letters.
'I will always be with you'
Chandler remembered. Of course he remembered. And he realized she'd written him this note and sent it with Rachel or Ross or someone else, so that he could find it. He broke down and cried, for the first time since he'd found out she was dying.
DISCLAIMER: The characters from "Friends" aren't mine now anymore than they were when I wrote the other parts... :) And the lyrics for "Yesterday" belong to Paul McCartney. The lyrics for "When I Die" belong to Farina, Bischof, Warren and Kawohl... whoever they are, lol...
Please review. And please read part 12 as well... Don't give up now!!! ;)!