Always, 12
INTRODUCTION: This takes place a few years after Monica's death. Six years after her death, to be exact.
DISCLAIMER: The "Friends" characters still don't belong to me. Weird, huh? Lol...
Regina sighed and sat down on the couch. Her long dark hair that looked so much like her mother's was braided and it reached her waist. She was ten years old. Her mother had been dead for six years now, and she hadn't seen a smile in her father's face since the day before her mother died. And during all those six years, Regina had hated her younger brother.
Gabriel was six years-old, and he was even more a mixture of his parents than Regina was. And Regina hated that. She knew that she looked a lot like her mother when she was serious, and a lot like her father when she was happy, but in general she didn't look too much like either one of them. Her hair was just like her mother's, but that was the only feature that she could say exactly which parent she had gotten it from. Other than that it was as if she had to either smile or frown to look like one of them.
Gabriel on the other hand, was like the result if someone would sit down by a computer and make a new person out of Monica and Chandler's features. Every single part of him was clearly either the genes from one parent or the other. His eye color was Monica's, but the eyes themselves seemed to be Chandler's. He had Chandler's nose and head shape, while he had Monica's mouth and way of smiling. His hair was Monica's and he had a few freckles, just like Monica had had when she was little. Regina couldn't find a single part of him that she didn't know which parent it came from. And that made Regina feel as if she wasn't as much a part of her parents as Gabriel was.
She couldn't remember ever liking her brother. She knew that she probably had for the fourteen days after his birth that her mother was alive, but then she'd started hating him. She held him responsible for Monica's death, and no one could convince her that he wasn't. Because no matter what anyone said, there was one thing they could not deny. That if Gabriel hadn't been, Monica would have gotten her treatment right away and most likely survived. And then weather or not it had been her mother's choice to take it to the end of the line was irrelevant, because had she not been pregnant she'd gotten treatment right away.
What made Regina dislike her brother even more, and eventually grow to hate him, was the fact that he had taken her mother away, and now he was taking her father's attention away. Chandler was the only one she had, and she did not want to share him with her brother. And she felt betrayed each time her dad took Gabriel's side when they quarreled, because in Regina's mind her father should hate him more than anyone else. She knew that her father was unhappy, that he didn't know how to live his life with joy when her mother was dead. And if Gabriel had not been, her father wouldn't have to go through all of this in the first place. But she'd never said anything about how she felt about this to anyone. She'd let it show a few times, but she'd never directly spoken about how she felt.
She heard the door to Gabriel's room open, and she sighed deeply. What did he want now? She hated having to baby-sit him.
Chandler had wanted to stay in the same apartment where he had been so happy with Monica. But he had soon realized that with two children it would be a problem. Especially since he knew that Regina wasn't too fond of her brother. Chandler had no idea how deep his daughter's resentment towards his son was. All he knew was that they didn't get along as well as he would like them to, and he knew that he would be stupid if he forced them to share a room. They had ended up putting up a pair of new walls in the living room in the corner by Regina's room, so that Gabriel would have his own room, even though it was small. Chandler knew though that they couldn't live in that apartment forever. Once Gabriel got a little older he would need more room, and they would have to move.
Regina watched her brother look at her from the doorway to his room. Gabriel felt unsure around her. He loved his sister, but she sometimes scared him. He could feel that she was mad at him over something, and she always got mad when he mentioned their mother. Gabriel had never known their mother, and he knew Regina had, but he felt that she was just as much his mother as Regina's anyway.
"What do you want, Gabriel?" Regina asked coldly.
"Watch TV."
"Kids shouldn't watch TV" Regina said, not wanting to let him watch TV. Se didn't even reflect upon the fact that she was being mean to him.
"Daddy lets me watch."
"Well daddy ain't here."
"I WANT to watch TV!"
Regina rose, annoyed, and placed her hands on her hips.
"Gabriel, I said no!"
"You're not my mommy!" Gabriel pointed out. "You don't decide. It's not fare, Gina!"
"Don't call me that! I'm not Gina to you! And what the hell do you know about mom? She wouldn't have let you watch TV either!" Regina said, even though she knew it wasn't really true.
"Yes she would have!" Gabriel said. "She would have!"
"Oh give me a break..." Regina said. "You don't know squad about my mother."
"She was my mother too, you know!" Gabriel pointed out.
"Yes but you killed her!"
Gabriel stared at her. He'd never gotten that accusation before.
"I did NOT kill mommy!"
"Oh yes you did. Just ask dad! Or Ross! Or Phoebe! Or ask anyone else! If it hadn't been for you, mom would still be alive."
"LIAR!" Gabriel shouted, and started to cry.
"You killed my mother, Gabriel."
"NO!"
Out in the hallway Chandler and Phoebe were returning from Central Perk, and they heard Gabriel shout from inside the apartment. Chandler sighed heavily.
"Oh what now?" he muttered.
"How does it feel to have killed your own mother?" Regina hissed at Gabriel inside the apartment. "Mommy was wonderful, and you took her away! It was all your fault! If it hadn't been for you I would have my mommy here, right now! And it's YOUR fault that daddy is so sad! He'd trade you for mommy any minute!"
"REGINA!" Chandler bawled.
Regina looked up and saw her father and Phoebe stand by the door. Her father was furious, she hadn't ever seen him that mad before. And Phoebe looked shocked. Then Phoebe got an angry look on her face and she walked over and grabbed a hold of Regina's wrist. She yanked her with her into Regina's room and slammed the door shut. For Regina's sake it was better to keep her away from Chandler while he was this mad. She knew Chandler wouldn't ever hurt his daughter physically, but when he was this mad he might yell at her and say things he didn't really mean. Phoebe pushed Regina onto her bed.
"What the hell is the matter with you?" she asked. She too was furious, but she knew Chandler was more mad. Phoebe felt it was better that she took care of this. And she wanted some answers from Regina. She'd noticed her behavior these past years and seen how it had gotten worse and worse.
"The matter with ME?" Regina asked. Tears were burning behind her eyelids when she blinked.
"How can you be so incredibly mean to your brother? What has he ever done wrong?"
"He killed mommy, unless you didn't know!" Regina replied angrily.
"Oh really, well forgive me then, I must have forgotten when he stood above her with a gun in his hand!" Phoebe sarcastically said.
"If he hadn't been, mommy would be here right now. You can't deny that!" Regina said.
"First of all Regina, that is NOT true. Your mother could have died anyway, no one can say for sure! And second of all, it was your MOTHER'S choice to wait for so long! Gabriel couldn't have done ANYTHING to change her mind! Not ANYTHING! It was your mother's decision from start to finish and don't you DARE blame that little boy for that."
"It IS his fault" Regina said angrily. "I know it is! And I hate him! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him! I HATE Gabriel! If it hadn't been for him I would have my mother alive! And daddy would be happy! Daddy's so damn miserable, and it's all because of that stupid kid!"
"That is NOT true" Phoebe said. "And you watch your mouth young lady! And what on earth do you think your mother would say if she knew that you treated your little brother this way?"
"I don't care what she would think" Regina replied. "I hate her too!"
Phoebe stared at her, not believing what she was hearing. Then she leaned in and gave Regina a thick ear.
"Don't you EVER say ANYTHING like that about your mother, do you understand me?"
Regina stared at her with tears in her eyes, rubbing her aching ear. No one had ever hit her before, and she didn't care what Phoebe's reason was.
"Your mother was my best friend, your father's soulmate, your own damn MOTHER! And damn you Regina Bing if you say anything bad at all about that woman!"
"Well I hate her anyway!" Regina cried, tears falling down her cheeks. "I hate her! She loved Gabriel more than me!"
"What? That's crazy."
"Well she DID! She did! She didn't think for a second about me when she was sick. All she thought about was Gabriel. She didn't care that I loved her and that I needed her, and that she had responsibilities towards me too! All she thought about was Gabriel. And she chose to die for him instead of live for me! She chose him over me even though she had to DIE for it!"
"Monica made that choice because she already knew you were safe! She wanted Gabriel to be safe too! She didn't want one of her children to die, Regina! And frankly, I don't blame her if she thought more about Gabriel than about you. Gabriel was 100% depending on her, he needed her to survive. You were doing just fine on your own. The choices she made would mean life or death to Gabriel, while it wouldn't mean that to you! You would live no matter what."
"She didn't love me enough to think about how I would feel if she died! And she was mean to daddy! He loved her, he still does, and he NEEDS her! But she didn't care, all she thought about was how she could make herself a heroine!"
"That's not what it was all about!" Phoebe objected. "She wanted her unborn child to get a chance to live. Is that so terrible? That doesn't mean in any way that she loved you less, or that she was trying to be mean to Chandler. And I'm warning you Regina, don't say a single bad word about your mother so that your father can hear it. You have been horrible enough towards your dad."
Regina's eyes grew wide. Phoebe's last words had hurt far more than the thick ear. She loved her father more than anything else, and she couldn't take hearing any bad words about him. And now Phoebe accused her of being mean to him.
"I've never been mean to daddy!" she objected, crying harder. "I love daddy! I wouldn't ever be mean to him!"
"Oh yeah right" Phoebe said, with lots of sarcasm. "Regina how blind are you? You are ten years old, you should be able to see what you're doing! Ever since your mother died Chandler has NEEDED you! He's needed you to help him out with things, and most importantly to help him out with Gabriel. And what have you done? You've decided that you should hate your brother, and you've been causing your father worries after worries after worries. You've made his burden ten times worse than it has to be, by giving him more to worry about. He hasn't had the time to work with his grief and try to get over your mother's death because he's had so much to do. Raising two children isn't easy. And when the older child clearly detests the younger child he has to worry about that, and feel bad about the fact that you hate your brother. Every time the two of you fight he gets this resigned look on his face, as if he thinks that it's no use anyway, nothing is ever going to be easy for him again."
"You're just giving me a guilt trip!" Regina said through her tears. "I love my father very much and I would do ANYTHING to help him out!"
"Then stop hating your brother for something he had no control over."
"Gabriel killed my mother. Whatever you say or do, I will always believe it. And mommy loved him more than she loved me. The only one who's ever loved ME for real is dad, and Gabriel always tries to get dad to take his side against me!"
*
When Phoebe dragged Regina to her room, Chandler had hurried over and lifted up Gabriel, who was crying hysterically. He sat down with his son in his arms on the couch, and slowly rocked back and forth, trying to soothe him.
"Easy, Gabriel..." he whispered. "It's okay... She doesn't mean what she says, Gabriel. I don't hate you. And I would not trade you for mommy."
Gabriel continued to cry, but he calmed down a little. Chandler felt ready to cry too. He finally started to realize exactly how much Regina seemed to hate her brother, and also why. And he knew that it was a big problem, because there was nothing he could say that could make her change her mind.
"Daddy?" Gabriel asked after a few minutes, finally ceasing to cry.
"Yeah?"
"Why does Regina hate me so much?"
"She doesn't hate you."
"Yes she does, daddy. She's said so many times. She says I killed mommy."
"You did no such thing."
"But Regina says I did."
"Gabriel, listen to me..." Chandler said, and dried the tears on his son's cheeks. "It was cancer that killed Monica. Not you. But she died just after you were born, and Regina was younger than you are now, so she remembers it as almost one incident... But nobody thinks that your responsible for mommy dying."
"She thinks I am" Gabriel pointed out.
"Regina's wrong if she thinks that" Chandler said.
"Daddy? Do you ever wish mommy was alive instead of me?"
"No" Chandler truthfully answered. "I wish she was alive, but not instead of you. Ever since the day you were born I have loved you just as much as I love Regina, and I could never trade one of you for Monica."
"Regina says she's not my real mother. That I can't call her that, because I've never even talked to her."
"But your mother has talked to you" Chandler calmly pointed out. "Mommy loved you so very much. And you SHOULD call her your real mommy, because that is just what she is. And then it doesn't matter how long she was alive after you were born. You are her son, and that makes her your real mother."
"Does Regina hate me because mommy died?" Gabriel asked.
"Hate is a strong word. But that's most likely why she acts the way she does sometimes. And it breaks my heart each time she acts that way. And I know that it breaks your mother's heart wherever she is. Your mother died FOR you, not BECAUSE of you. She chose to rather die herself than for you to die. And I know that she would make the same choice again if she got the ability to come back to earth, if the cost was your life. She'd rather be dead than have you die. She loves you. And she loves Regina. And I love you both too. You two are my only sources of happiness. And I'm very happy that I have the both of you."
*
That evening Regina was alone in her room. Phoebe had left quite soon, but Regina hadn't dared to leave her room. She knew that her father was furious with her, and she didn't want to risk running into him before he had calmed down.
By eight o'clock she decided to go out into the living room. Her father was alone on the couch, staring into the wall with a glass of some liquor in his hand. He didn't acknowledge her presence. She felt her heart sink to floor-level and silently walked across the room towards the bathroom.
"Regina." she heard him say firmly. She swallowed hard.
"Yes, dad?"
"Come here."
She mostly just felt like running back into her room again, but she didn't want to make him even more angry. She walked past him and saw that he hadn't changed his facial expression. She sat down on the other end of the couch.
"Come closer" he said, without looking at her.
She slowly moved closer to him. This was a side of him that she had never seen. She had only seen the gentle, caring side of him but now she saw a firm and hard side. He put the glass down but continued to look straight forward.
"What in god's name were you thinking earlier today?" he asked. He paused for a second, but when she didn't answer he continued. "I have never seen anyone be so mean to their brother before. How can you say things like that to him? He's only a small child, Regina." Chandler finally turned and looked at her, Monica's daughter who today had been so unlike her mother.
"It's his fault that mommy died" Regina said, and started to cry quietly.
"No, it's not" Chandler firmly said. "You know as well as I do that she had cancer. CANCER, Regina."
"But if it hadn't been for Gabriel, she would have gotten her treatment right away. They could have saved her life!"
"COULD" Chandler emphasized. "Could have, would have, should have... You can't think along those lines. And why be mad at poor Gabriel? You have no idea how dam stubborn your mother was. Nothing or no one could have convinced her to give birth any sooner than she did. And that was HER choice Regina. NOT Gabriel's. Damn it, he wasn't even BORN yet. He had no say in anything, he had no idea what was going on, it was all your mother's choice. And she made that choice right away."
"But if she hadn't been pregnant she wouldn't have let things go so far."
Chandler picked up his glass and took a sip, and he didn't look at her when he put the glass down.
"Well if that's the case then it's all MY fault."
"What? No, dad! It's not your fault, not at all! You did everything you could!"
"I was the one who got her pregnant. I was the one who had sex with her without using any method of birth control. If I had done that, she wouldn't have become pregnant. And then she would have gotten treatment right away."
There was no self blame in his voice, just a stating tone. Regina knew what he was trying to tell her, but she didn't agree with him. She started to cry for real.
"Daddy, why did she love him more than me?" she asked through her tears.
Chandler gave her a confused look.
"You lost me back there..." he said.
"How come she loved Gabriel more than me? Why was he so much more important than me? She would rather be his mother for two weeks and then die, than to be just MY mother for the rest of her life."
"Honey..." Chandler said softly, and stroke her on the head. "Monica DID love you. Do you know what she told me was her only wish? She told me this before she died, that her only wish was to get to see you grow up. And she knew she wouldn't get that, and that broke her heart. She wanted so bad to get to be there when you grow up. But while she was still pregnant she thought it was more important to make sure that her unborn baby would survive. She was Gabriel's mother too, and she wouldn't have been able to live with herself if she had risked his life. But don't hate Gabriel for that, and most important, don't hate HER for that."
"But it's just so hard..." Regina said through her sobs.
"Well what about me?" Chandler gently asked. "Don't you think this is hard for me too? Regina I can hardly handle a week without her, but I'm going to HAVE to handle my whole LIFE without her." He sighed and looked up at the ceiling. Then he looked back down at Regina again. "Don't force me to choose between you and Gabriel. Don't do that. I love you two both."
"But if it hadn't been for him, you would still have mommy right by your side" Regina whispered through her sobs.
"Yes, but Regina he is my SON. He is the gift your mother wanted to give me so badly that she'd die for it. And she would have made the exact same choice if this had happened when she was pregnant with YOU. I LOVE Gabriel, he is my little boy. Mine and Monica's little boy, just like you are our little girl. Nothing in the whole wide world can ever change that. You are both my children just as much, and it is just as natural for me to love him as it is for me to love you. It doesn't matter if it actually WAS his fault that my wife died. I love him just as much anyway, because he is my son. And I love you just as much as I love him, because you are my daughter. I can't avoid loving him any more than you can avoid loving me."
He pulled Regina into a hug and let her cry out in his arms. He hoped she would come to her senses about Gabriel. He wished she could love him the way Gabriel loved her.
"He loves you, you know" he told her. "Your little brother loves you very much, and you have been nothing but mean to him. It breaks my heart, Gina!"
She cried a bit harder and he slowly rocked her back and forth, hoping she would see things clearer now.
Regina had hated Gabriel almost his entire life, and she couldn't change that just like that. Her conviction that he was responsible for Monica's death was way too deeply rooted inside of her. But she at least decided to not let it show. Gabriel could always tell though that she didn't like him much.
*
Once the situation between his two children was somewhat solved, Chandler could finally start dealing with his sorrow. He missed Monica so much. The pain wasn't as sharp and tearing as it had been the first year, but at times it came back in full force and made him unable to do anything else than lock himself in the bedroom and fight the pain. And the constant ache, the constant emptiness made him feel hollow.
As a way of repressing the pain when it got too strong, Chandler pretended she was there with him. He could start talking to her as if he expected her to answer, and sometimes he would even turn his head to look at her when she replied. When he did he tricked himself into believing that he could see her next to him. But then he soon came to his senses and realized that he was fooling himself, and he felt even worse.
Each night after he'd gone to bed he would talk to her. Just tell her about his day and how the kids were doing. It was his safety net to keep him from loosing it completely each time he had to go to bed alone. Very once in a while he would chat with her for a few minutes, then automatically roll over to her side of the bed to hold her. And each time he did he would quickly come to his senses and realize what he was doing. He was starting to believe that he had lost his mind completely. He was having conversations with his dead wife, after all! And sometimes even forgetting for a second that she wasn't there anymore.
The times when he rolled over and found her bedside empty was the only time he ever cried. He still had a hard time crying. His grief was just too big to be let out in tears, so instead he kept it all inside. But when he got such a quick realization that she was gone, and would never come again, he couldn't stop himself from crying. He would cry and stroke the empty pillow that had been Monica's favorite. The place where it seemed as she had been forever, each night since the first day he started going out with her, always, always, but not anymore. Always, always before, but not now.
He missed her smile so much that it was nearly killing him. He knew that there was a certain smile that only he got to see. A smile that she reserved for him, and only him. And getting to see that smile was one of his highest wishes. And to hear her laughter. She had several different laughters, and just as with her smiles she had one that she only let him hear. And he missed that laughter. And he missed the look in her eyes that was also reserved for only him. That look would often appear on her face when they made love. It was a look so filled with love and affection that it had driven him to tears when they made love the night they got engaged, and on their wedding night. He missed the way she would talk to him and the way she would joke with him. He missed her head on his shoulder when he went to sleep, and her arm across his chest. He missed hearing her content purring sounds before she fell asleep, and he missed the way she smelled. But what he missed most of all was her love. Her love had been what kept him going, what had always made him smile. He needed to feel that she loved him, and he needed to hear her say it.
*
Eight years after Monica's death Chandler was finally starting to get a hold of himself. It had taken him an incredibly long time to get to this state, partly because he hadn't allowed himself to work with the grief. He had pretty much started that process two years earlier.
Regina was now twelve, and Gabriel was eight. Regina didn't like her brother much now either, but she didn't show it as clearly as before. She simply let it be.
Chandler sat down one day when he was alone, and decided to sort out some old video tapes. He had a few home videos that he sometimes watched, just to get to see Monica and to get to hear her voice. But he wasn't in the mood for watching any of those right now. He just wanted to get some order to the tapes.
He came across one tape he didn't recognize and decided to pop it in the video. He and Monica had moved in a TV and a video to their bedroom right after they got married, and Chandler sat down on the bed and started the tape once it was rewinded. He immediately realized what it was. It was the tape on which him and Monica had filmed themselves having sex a few times.
They had attempted to film themselves once, while they were still sneaking around, but their plan got thwarted. And it wasn't until after they were married that Monica had remembered the idea, and suggested to Chandler that they would give it another try, this time in their bedroom where no one could catch them. They had done it a few times, and then the tape had been forgotten after her death.
Chandler stared at the TV screen, then he moaned in pain, closed his eyes hard and folded where he sat on the bed. He didn't want to see this, and yet he wanted to.
Ever since Monica had died, Chandler had had no sexdrive. He hadn't had any form of sexual activity for eight years, and the thought of having one had never even entered his mind. Sex was something he wanted to share with Monica, and not with anyone else.
He opened his eyes and looked at the video. He could see himself and Monica undressing while locked in deep kisses. He soon hear Monica moan, and then he heard a moan from himself. And suddenly the thought hit him, one he had had many times before, but this time in another way.
"Oh god..." he whispered. "Oh god... I'll never get to hug you again Monica. Never get to hold you. I'll never get to kiss you, feel your tongue in my mouth or my own tongue in your mouth. I'll never get to touch you again, never get to make you feel that way again. And I will never again get to experience you making ME feel that good. Never again really does mean never again."
He sat back up again and reached back, grabbing a pillow. He held the pillow tight and slowly rocked back and fourth as he watched himself and Monica make love so many years ago. Sex had been such an important part of his life, such an inexhaustible source of joy for him. While Monica had been alive, and healthy, he hadn't been able to picture not having sex on a regular basis. Now that had died for him too. Died along with Monica. He realized that he couldn't even remember what it felt like to be with her that way, or to just be with any woman that way. He watched himself on the video and tried to remember.
He watched himself mount her, and he heard how they both cried out in pleasure, how they both moaned and whimpered. And then he started to cry, because he could see that look on Monica's face. The look, the smile and even part of the laugh she had that was his and only his. That nobody else got to hear or see. He saw that in her face when she looked into the eyes of Chandler on the tape. He heard her say that she loved him, with all the emotion in her voice that he really needed to get right now.
Chandler grabbed the remote and rewinded the tape a few seconds, while raising the volume. And then he listened to her telling him that she loved him again. He smiled through the tears that were still falling. It felt so good to get to hear her say that again, even though it was from a video tape, and she was saying it to him while he was making love to her.
*
Six months later Chandler ran into Kathy. He had almost forgotten that she even existed, and her reentrance into his life brought back even more memories. Memories of how Monica had both supported him and told him off throughout his stormy love affair with Kathy.
He didn't say a word to Kathy about being a widower, or being a father. He didn't feel like it was any of her business. He told her as little as possible when she invited him to lunch.
"Chandler, I..." she began once their lunch had arrived. "You know, this feels so hard to say after all these years. But you know, I have always regretted that I cheated on you. I have always wondered what would have been if I hadn't."
"We would have broken up sooner or later anyway" Chandler said. "We weren't meant for each other."'
"Do you ever miss me?" Kathy asked.
Chandler didn't want to tell her the truth, that he hadn't even thought about her for fifteen years. So he decided to tell her a nicer version of events.
"I had a really hard time when we broke up" he said.
"So did I" she said. "And I constantly wanted to call you, but I figured you wouldn't be willing to talk to me."
"Maybe I wouldn't have been..." Chandler said. "I don't know anymore. It's been so long, Kathy. This was in the nineties, now we're in the second decade of the 21st century."
"Yeah. I know."
Conversation went slow throughout the lunch. Chandler thought it was very awkward. And he realized more and more that Monica had been all that Kathy wasn't. Kathy couldn't hold a candle to Monica's good heart and wonderful personality. He wondered if Kathy had ever really cared.
Kathy paid for lunch and they rose and left the restaurant.
"Why did you take me out to lunch, Kathy?" Chandler asked.
"Because it felt good to see you again. I've missed you over the years."
Chandler held back a scoff. She had no idea what missing was. She hadn't ever missed anything or anyone like Chandler missed Monica.
"Chandler..." she gently said, and stopped him by placing her hand on his arm.
"Yeah?" he asked.
She looked into his eyes, then leaned in and kissed him. Chandler let her. He hadn't kissed anyone in so many years and he had forgotten how great it felt. He let her put her arms around him and pull him closer, and he let her stick her tongue in his mouth.
They ended up in Kathy's apartment, sleeping together. Chandler quickly realized that it was another area where she couldn't hold a candle in comparison to Monica, but he also realized that he needed this. He needed to get a physical discharge and it didn't really matter with whom he got it. He partly felt bad about sleeping with her when there was no emotion involved, but she didn't seem to mind. Even though it had been so long, he still remembered what to do with a woman, and he did it pretty much on autopilot. Kathy didn't seem to notice, she seemed very content.
*
When Chandler got home that evening he felt terrible. Regina, who was something of an expert at judging his facial expressions, just like Monica had been, quickly noticed that he had done something that he felt guilty about. Gabriel just noticed that he was acting weird. But Chandler said nothing about what had happened earlier in the day.
As soon as the kids were in bed Chandler went back into his own bedroom and got into bed. He cursed himself and felt like a jerk. He hadn't realized until now, but having Monica as the last person he'd slept with had somehow felt special. Now that was all gone. And instead, the last person he'd slept with was his ex-girlfriend Kathy. One that Monica had never really liked.
"Oh crap..." he mumbled. "Monica forgive me, PLEASE! You have to forgive me! How could I do this? How could I go out and sleep with her? And KATHY of all people? I've ruined it Monica, I've ruined one of the special aspects between us! It was cheating. It was. Because you're not dead. Not really. You're DEAD, but if death really was death then there'd be no point in life. So somewhere out there you are alive. It's just another form of being alive. And I've cheated on you. And on your memory."
It didn't occur to him that it didn't matter anyhow. That Monica had known before she died that he would some day find someone else, maybe not to love but to at least be physically intimate with.
"Forgive me, Monica... I love you so!" he whispered.
He closed his eyes and let those words be the last of his conversation with her that night. He never spoke to her again at night.
Review please. Only one more part to go... plus an epilogue, but I might not post that one here...
INTRODUCTION: This takes place a few years after Monica's death. Six years after her death, to be exact.
DISCLAIMER: The "Friends" characters still don't belong to me. Weird, huh? Lol...
Regina sighed and sat down on the couch. Her long dark hair that looked so much like her mother's was braided and it reached her waist. She was ten years old. Her mother had been dead for six years now, and she hadn't seen a smile in her father's face since the day before her mother died. And during all those six years, Regina had hated her younger brother.
Gabriel was six years-old, and he was even more a mixture of his parents than Regina was. And Regina hated that. She knew that she looked a lot like her mother when she was serious, and a lot like her father when she was happy, but in general she didn't look too much like either one of them. Her hair was just like her mother's, but that was the only feature that she could say exactly which parent she had gotten it from. Other than that it was as if she had to either smile or frown to look like one of them.
Gabriel on the other hand, was like the result if someone would sit down by a computer and make a new person out of Monica and Chandler's features. Every single part of him was clearly either the genes from one parent or the other. His eye color was Monica's, but the eyes themselves seemed to be Chandler's. He had Chandler's nose and head shape, while he had Monica's mouth and way of smiling. His hair was Monica's and he had a few freckles, just like Monica had had when she was little. Regina couldn't find a single part of him that she didn't know which parent it came from. And that made Regina feel as if she wasn't as much a part of her parents as Gabriel was.
She couldn't remember ever liking her brother. She knew that she probably had for the fourteen days after his birth that her mother was alive, but then she'd started hating him. She held him responsible for Monica's death, and no one could convince her that he wasn't. Because no matter what anyone said, there was one thing they could not deny. That if Gabriel hadn't been, Monica would have gotten her treatment right away and most likely survived. And then weather or not it had been her mother's choice to take it to the end of the line was irrelevant, because had she not been pregnant she'd gotten treatment right away.
What made Regina dislike her brother even more, and eventually grow to hate him, was the fact that he had taken her mother away, and now he was taking her father's attention away. Chandler was the only one she had, and she did not want to share him with her brother. And she felt betrayed each time her dad took Gabriel's side when they quarreled, because in Regina's mind her father should hate him more than anyone else. She knew that her father was unhappy, that he didn't know how to live his life with joy when her mother was dead. And if Gabriel had not been, her father wouldn't have to go through all of this in the first place. But she'd never said anything about how she felt about this to anyone. She'd let it show a few times, but she'd never directly spoken about how she felt.
She heard the door to Gabriel's room open, and she sighed deeply. What did he want now? She hated having to baby-sit him.
Chandler had wanted to stay in the same apartment where he had been so happy with Monica. But he had soon realized that with two children it would be a problem. Especially since he knew that Regina wasn't too fond of her brother. Chandler had no idea how deep his daughter's resentment towards his son was. All he knew was that they didn't get along as well as he would like them to, and he knew that he would be stupid if he forced them to share a room. They had ended up putting up a pair of new walls in the living room in the corner by Regina's room, so that Gabriel would have his own room, even though it was small. Chandler knew though that they couldn't live in that apartment forever. Once Gabriel got a little older he would need more room, and they would have to move.
Regina watched her brother look at her from the doorway to his room. Gabriel felt unsure around her. He loved his sister, but she sometimes scared him. He could feel that she was mad at him over something, and she always got mad when he mentioned their mother. Gabriel had never known their mother, and he knew Regina had, but he felt that she was just as much his mother as Regina's anyway.
"What do you want, Gabriel?" Regina asked coldly.
"Watch TV."
"Kids shouldn't watch TV" Regina said, not wanting to let him watch TV. Se didn't even reflect upon the fact that she was being mean to him.
"Daddy lets me watch."
"Well daddy ain't here."
"I WANT to watch TV!"
Regina rose, annoyed, and placed her hands on her hips.
"Gabriel, I said no!"
"You're not my mommy!" Gabriel pointed out. "You don't decide. It's not fare, Gina!"
"Don't call me that! I'm not Gina to you! And what the hell do you know about mom? She wouldn't have let you watch TV either!" Regina said, even though she knew it wasn't really true.
"Yes she would have!" Gabriel said. "She would have!"
"Oh give me a break..." Regina said. "You don't know squad about my mother."
"She was my mother too, you know!" Gabriel pointed out.
"Yes but you killed her!"
Gabriel stared at her. He'd never gotten that accusation before.
"I did NOT kill mommy!"
"Oh yes you did. Just ask dad! Or Ross! Or Phoebe! Or ask anyone else! If it hadn't been for you, mom would still be alive."
"LIAR!" Gabriel shouted, and started to cry.
"You killed my mother, Gabriel."
"NO!"
Out in the hallway Chandler and Phoebe were returning from Central Perk, and they heard Gabriel shout from inside the apartment. Chandler sighed heavily.
"Oh what now?" he muttered.
"How does it feel to have killed your own mother?" Regina hissed at Gabriel inside the apartment. "Mommy was wonderful, and you took her away! It was all your fault! If it hadn't been for you I would have my mommy here, right now! And it's YOUR fault that daddy is so sad! He'd trade you for mommy any minute!"
"REGINA!" Chandler bawled.
Regina looked up and saw her father and Phoebe stand by the door. Her father was furious, she hadn't ever seen him that mad before. And Phoebe looked shocked. Then Phoebe got an angry look on her face and she walked over and grabbed a hold of Regina's wrist. She yanked her with her into Regina's room and slammed the door shut. For Regina's sake it was better to keep her away from Chandler while he was this mad. She knew Chandler wouldn't ever hurt his daughter physically, but when he was this mad he might yell at her and say things he didn't really mean. Phoebe pushed Regina onto her bed.
"What the hell is the matter with you?" she asked. She too was furious, but she knew Chandler was more mad. Phoebe felt it was better that she took care of this. And she wanted some answers from Regina. She'd noticed her behavior these past years and seen how it had gotten worse and worse.
"The matter with ME?" Regina asked. Tears were burning behind her eyelids when she blinked.
"How can you be so incredibly mean to your brother? What has he ever done wrong?"
"He killed mommy, unless you didn't know!" Regina replied angrily.
"Oh really, well forgive me then, I must have forgotten when he stood above her with a gun in his hand!" Phoebe sarcastically said.
"If he hadn't been, mommy would be here right now. You can't deny that!" Regina said.
"First of all Regina, that is NOT true. Your mother could have died anyway, no one can say for sure! And second of all, it was your MOTHER'S choice to wait for so long! Gabriel couldn't have done ANYTHING to change her mind! Not ANYTHING! It was your mother's decision from start to finish and don't you DARE blame that little boy for that."
"It IS his fault" Regina said angrily. "I know it is! And I hate him! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him! I HATE Gabriel! If it hadn't been for him I would have my mother alive! And daddy would be happy! Daddy's so damn miserable, and it's all because of that stupid kid!"
"That is NOT true" Phoebe said. "And you watch your mouth young lady! And what on earth do you think your mother would say if she knew that you treated your little brother this way?"
"I don't care what she would think" Regina replied. "I hate her too!"
Phoebe stared at her, not believing what she was hearing. Then she leaned in and gave Regina a thick ear.
"Don't you EVER say ANYTHING like that about your mother, do you understand me?"
Regina stared at her with tears in her eyes, rubbing her aching ear. No one had ever hit her before, and she didn't care what Phoebe's reason was.
"Your mother was my best friend, your father's soulmate, your own damn MOTHER! And damn you Regina Bing if you say anything bad at all about that woman!"
"Well I hate her anyway!" Regina cried, tears falling down her cheeks. "I hate her! She loved Gabriel more than me!"
"What? That's crazy."
"Well she DID! She did! She didn't think for a second about me when she was sick. All she thought about was Gabriel. She didn't care that I loved her and that I needed her, and that she had responsibilities towards me too! All she thought about was Gabriel. And she chose to die for him instead of live for me! She chose him over me even though she had to DIE for it!"
"Monica made that choice because she already knew you were safe! She wanted Gabriel to be safe too! She didn't want one of her children to die, Regina! And frankly, I don't blame her if she thought more about Gabriel than about you. Gabriel was 100% depending on her, he needed her to survive. You were doing just fine on your own. The choices she made would mean life or death to Gabriel, while it wouldn't mean that to you! You would live no matter what."
"She didn't love me enough to think about how I would feel if she died! And she was mean to daddy! He loved her, he still does, and he NEEDS her! But she didn't care, all she thought about was how she could make herself a heroine!"
"That's not what it was all about!" Phoebe objected. "She wanted her unborn child to get a chance to live. Is that so terrible? That doesn't mean in any way that she loved you less, or that she was trying to be mean to Chandler. And I'm warning you Regina, don't say a single bad word about your mother so that your father can hear it. You have been horrible enough towards your dad."
Regina's eyes grew wide. Phoebe's last words had hurt far more than the thick ear. She loved her father more than anything else, and she couldn't take hearing any bad words about him. And now Phoebe accused her of being mean to him.
"I've never been mean to daddy!" she objected, crying harder. "I love daddy! I wouldn't ever be mean to him!"
"Oh yeah right" Phoebe said, with lots of sarcasm. "Regina how blind are you? You are ten years old, you should be able to see what you're doing! Ever since your mother died Chandler has NEEDED you! He's needed you to help him out with things, and most importantly to help him out with Gabriel. And what have you done? You've decided that you should hate your brother, and you've been causing your father worries after worries after worries. You've made his burden ten times worse than it has to be, by giving him more to worry about. He hasn't had the time to work with his grief and try to get over your mother's death because he's had so much to do. Raising two children isn't easy. And when the older child clearly detests the younger child he has to worry about that, and feel bad about the fact that you hate your brother. Every time the two of you fight he gets this resigned look on his face, as if he thinks that it's no use anyway, nothing is ever going to be easy for him again."
"You're just giving me a guilt trip!" Regina said through her tears. "I love my father very much and I would do ANYTHING to help him out!"
"Then stop hating your brother for something he had no control over."
"Gabriel killed my mother. Whatever you say or do, I will always believe it. And mommy loved him more than she loved me. The only one who's ever loved ME for real is dad, and Gabriel always tries to get dad to take his side against me!"
*
When Phoebe dragged Regina to her room, Chandler had hurried over and lifted up Gabriel, who was crying hysterically. He sat down with his son in his arms on the couch, and slowly rocked back and forth, trying to soothe him.
"Easy, Gabriel..." he whispered. "It's okay... She doesn't mean what she says, Gabriel. I don't hate you. And I would not trade you for mommy."
Gabriel continued to cry, but he calmed down a little. Chandler felt ready to cry too. He finally started to realize exactly how much Regina seemed to hate her brother, and also why. And he knew that it was a big problem, because there was nothing he could say that could make her change her mind.
"Daddy?" Gabriel asked after a few minutes, finally ceasing to cry.
"Yeah?"
"Why does Regina hate me so much?"
"She doesn't hate you."
"Yes she does, daddy. She's said so many times. She says I killed mommy."
"You did no such thing."
"But Regina says I did."
"Gabriel, listen to me..." Chandler said, and dried the tears on his son's cheeks. "It was cancer that killed Monica. Not you. But she died just after you were born, and Regina was younger than you are now, so she remembers it as almost one incident... But nobody thinks that your responsible for mommy dying."
"She thinks I am" Gabriel pointed out.
"Regina's wrong if she thinks that" Chandler said.
"Daddy? Do you ever wish mommy was alive instead of me?"
"No" Chandler truthfully answered. "I wish she was alive, but not instead of you. Ever since the day you were born I have loved you just as much as I love Regina, and I could never trade one of you for Monica."
"Regina says she's not my real mother. That I can't call her that, because I've never even talked to her."
"But your mother has talked to you" Chandler calmly pointed out. "Mommy loved you so very much. And you SHOULD call her your real mommy, because that is just what she is. And then it doesn't matter how long she was alive after you were born. You are her son, and that makes her your real mother."
"Does Regina hate me because mommy died?" Gabriel asked.
"Hate is a strong word. But that's most likely why she acts the way she does sometimes. And it breaks my heart each time she acts that way. And I know that it breaks your mother's heart wherever she is. Your mother died FOR you, not BECAUSE of you. She chose to rather die herself than for you to die. And I know that she would make the same choice again if she got the ability to come back to earth, if the cost was your life. She'd rather be dead than have you die. She loves you. And she loves Regina. And I love you both too. You two are my only sources of happiness. And I'm very happy that I have the both of you."
*
That evening Regina was alone in her room. Phoebe had left quite soon, but Regina hadn't dared to leave her room. She knew that her father was furious with her, and she didn't want to risk running into him before he had calmed down.
By eight o'clock she decided to go out into the living room. Her father was alone on the couch, staring into the wall with a glass of some liquor in his hand. He didn't acknowledge her presence. She felt her heart sink to floor-level and silently walked across the room towards the bathroom.
"Regina." she heard him say firmly. She swallowed hard.
"Yes, dad?"
"Come here."
She mostly just felt like running back into her room again, but she didn't want to make him even more angry. She walked past him and saw that he hadn't changed his facial expression. She sat down on the other end of the couch.
"Come closer" he said, without looking at her.
She slowly moved closer to him. This was a side of him that she had never seen. She had only seen the gentle, caring side of him but now she saw a firm and hard side. He put the glass down but continued to look straight forward.
"What in god's name were you thinking earlier today?" he asked. He paused for a second, but when she didn't answer he continued. "I have never seen anyone be so mean to their brother before. How can you say things like that to him? He's only a small child, Regina." Chandler finally turned and looked at her, Monica's daughter who today had been so unlike her mother.
"It's his fault that mommy died" Regina said, and started to cry quietly.
"No, it's not" Chandler firmly said. "You know as well as I do that she had cancer. CANCER, Regina."
"But if it hadn't been for Gabriel, she would have gotten her treatment right away. They could have saved her life!"
"COULD" Chandler emphasized. "Could have, would have, should have... You can't think along those lines. And why be mad at poor Gabriel? You have no idea how dam stubborn your mother was. Nothing or no one could have convinced her to give birth any sooner than she did. And that was HER choice Regina. NOT Gabriel's. Damn it, he wasn't even BORN yet. He had no say in anything, he had no idea what was going on, it was all your mother's choice. And she made that choice right away."
"But if she hadn't been pregnant she wouldn't have let things go so far."
Chandler picked up his glass and took a sip, and he didn't look at her when he put the glass down.
"Well if that's the case then it's all MY fault."
"What? No, dad! It's not your fault, not at all! You did everything you could!"
"I was the one who got her pregnant. I was the one who had sex with her without using any method of birth control. If I had done that, she wouldn't have become pregnant. And then she would have gotten treatment right away."
There was no self blame in his voice, just a stating tone. Regina knew what he was trying to tell her, but she didn't agree with him. She started to cry for real.
"Daddy, why did she love him more than me?" she asked through her tears.
Chandler gave her a confused look.
"You lost me back there..." he said.
"How come she loved Gabriel more than me? Why was he so much more important than me? She would rather be his mother for two weeks and then die, than to be just MY mother for the rest of her life."
"Honey..." Chandler said softly, and stroke her on the head. "Monica DID love you. Do you know what she told me was her only wish? She told me this before she died, that her only wish was to get to see you grow up. And she knew she wouldn't get that, and that broke her heart. She wanted so bad to get to be there when you grow up. But while she was still pregnant she thought it was more important to make sure that her unborn baby would survive. She was Gabriel's mother too, and she wouldn't have been able to live with herself if she had risked his life. But don't hate Gabriel for that, and most important, don't hate HER for that."
"But it's just so hard..." Regina said through her sobs.
"Well what about me?" Chandler gently asked. "Don't you think this is hard for me too? Regina I can hardly handle a week without her, but I'm going to HAVE to handle my whole LIFE without her." He sighed and looked up at the ceiling. Then he looked back down at Regina again. "Don't force me to choose between you and Gabriel. Don't do that. I love you two both."
"But if it hadn't been for him, you would still have mommy right by your side" Regina whispered through her sobs.
"Yes, but Regina he is my SON. He is the gift your mother wanted to give me so badly that she'd die for it. And she would have made the exact same choice if this had happened when she was pregnant with YOU. I LOVE Gabriel, he is my little boy. Mine and Monica's little boy, just like you are our little girl. Nothing in the whole wide world can ever change that. You are both my children just as much, and it is just as natural for me to love him as it is for me to love you. It doesn't matter if it actually WAS his fault that my wife died. I love him just as much anyway, because he is my son. And I love you just as much as I love him, because you are my daughter. I can't avoid loving him any more than you can avoid loving me."
He pulled Regina into a hug and let her cry out in his arms. He hoped she would come to her senses about Gabriel. He wished she could love him the way Gabriel loved her.
"He loves you, you know" he told her. "Your little brother loves you very much, and you have been nothing but mean to him. It breaks my heart, Gina!"
She cried a bit harder and he slowly rocked her back and forth, hoping she would see things clearer now.
Regina had hated Gabriel almost his entire life, and she couldn't change that just like that. Her conviction that he was responsible for Monica's death was way too deeply rooted inside of her. But she at least decided to not let it show. Gabriel could always tell though that she didn't like him much.
*
Once the situation between his two children was somewhat solved, Chandler could finally start dealing with his sorrow. He missed Monica so much. The pain wasn't as sharp and tearing as it had been the first year, but at times it came back in full force and made him unable to do anything else than lock himself in the bedroom and fight the pain. And the constant ache, the constant emptiness made him feel hollow.
As a way of repressing the pain when it got too strong, Chandler pretended she was there with him. He could start talking to her as if he expected her to answer, and sometimes he would even turn his head to look at her when she replied. When he did he tricked himself into believing that he could see her next to him. But then he soon came to his senses and realized that he was fooling himself, and he felt even worse.
Each night after he'd gone to bed he would talk to her. Just tell her about his day and how the kids were doing. It was his safety net to keep him from loosing it completely each time he had to go to bed alone. Very once in a while he would chat with her for a few minutes, then automatically roll over to her side of the bed to hold her. And each time he did he would quickly come to his senses and realize what he was doing. He was starting to believe that he had lost his mind completely. He was having conversations with his dead wife, after all! And sometimes even forgetting for a second that she wasn't there anymore.
The times when he rolled over and found her bedside empty was the only time he ever cried. He still had a hard time crying. His grief was just too big to be let out in tears, so instead he kept it all inside. But when he got such a quick realization that she was gone, and would never come again, he couldn't stop himself from crying. He would cry and stroke the empty pillow that had been Monica's favorite. The place where it seemed as she had been forever, each night since the first day he started going out with her, always, always, but not anymore. Always, always before, but not now.
He missed her smile so much that it was nearly killing him. He knew that there was a certain smile that only he got to see. A smile that she reserved for him, and only him. And getting to see that smile was one of his highest wishes. And to hear her laughter. She had several different laughters, and just as with her smiles she had one that she only let him hear. And he missed that laughter. And he missed the look in her eyes that was also reserved for only him. That look would often appear on her face when they made love. It was a look so filled with love and affection that it had driven him to tears when they made love the night they got engaged, and on their wedding night. He missed the way she would talk to him and the way she would joke with him. He missed her head on his shoulder when he went to sleep, and her arm across his chest. He missed hearing her content purring sounds before she fell asleep, and he missed the way she smelled. But what he missed most of all was her love. Her love had been what kept him going, what had always made him smile. He needed to feel that she loved him, and he needed to hear her say it.
*
Eight years after Monica's death Chandler was finally starting to get a hold of himself. It had taken him an incredibly long time to get to this state, partly because he hadn't allowed himself to work with the grief. He had pretty much started that process two years earlier.
Regina was now twelve, and Gabriel was eight. Regina didn't like her brother much now either, but she didn't show it as clearly as before. She simply let it be.
Chandler sat down one day when he was alone, and decided to sort out some old video tapes. He had a few home videos that he sometimes watched, just to get to see Monica and to get to hear her voice. But he wasn't in the mood for watching any of those right now. He just wanted to get some order to the tapes.
He came across one tape he didn't recognize and decided to pop it in the video. He and Monica had moved in a TV and a video to their bedroom right after they got married, and Chandler sat down on the bed and started the tape once it was rewinded. He immediately realized what it was. It was the tape on which him and Monica had filmed themselves having sex a few times.
They had attempted to film themselves once, while they were still sneaking around, but their plan got thwarted. And it wasn't until after they were married that Monica had remembered the idea, and suggested to Chandler that they would give it another try, this time in their bedroom where no one could catch them. They had done it a few times, and then the tape had been forgotten after her death.
Chandler stared at the TV screen, then he moaned in pain, closed his eyes hard and folded where he sat on the bed. He didn't want to see this, and yet he wanted to.
Ever since Monica had died, Chandler had had no sexdrive. He hadn't had any form of sexual activity for eight years, and the thought of having one had never even entered his mind. Sex was something he wanted to share with Monica, and not with anyone else.
He opened his eyes and looked at the video. He could see himself and Monica undressing while locked in deep kisses. He soon hear Monica moan, and then he heard a moan from himself. And suddenly the thought hit him, one he had had many times before, but this time in another way.
"Oh god..." he whispered. "Oh god... I'll never get to hug you again Monica. Never get to hold you. I'll never get to kiss you, feel your tongue in my mouth or my own tongue in your mouth. I'll never get to touch you again, never get to make you feel that way again. And I will never again get to experience you making ME feel that good. Never again really does mean never again."
He sat back up again and reached back, grabbing a pillow. He held the pillow tight and slowly rocked back and fourth as he watched himself and Monica make love so many years ago. Sex had been such an important part of his life, such an inexhaustible source of joy for him. While Monica had been alive, and healthy, he hadn't been able to picture not having sex on a regular basis. Now that had died for him too. Died along with Monica. He realized that he couldn't even remember what it felt like to be with her that way, or to just be with any woman that way. He watched himself on the video and tried to remember.
He watched himself mount her, and he heard how they both cried out in pleasure, how they both moaned and whimpered. And then he started to cry, because he could see that look on Monica's face. The look, the smile and even part of the laugh she had that was his and only his. That nobody else got to hear or see. He saw that in her face when she looked into the eyes of Chandler on the tape. He heard her say that she loved him, with all the emotion in her voice that he really needed to get right now.
Chandler grabbed the remote and rewinded the tape a few seconds, while raising the volume. And then he listened to her telling him that she loved him again. He smiled through the tears that were still falling. It felt so good to get to hear her say that again, even though it was from a video tape, and she was saying it to him while he was making love to her.
*
Six months later Chandler ran into Kathy. He had almost forgotten that she even existed, and her reentrance into his life brought back even more memories. Memories of how Monica had both supported him and told him off throughout his stormy love affair with Kathy.
He didn't say a word to Kathy about being a widower, or being a father. He didn't feel like it was any of her business. He told her as little as possible when she invited him to lunch.
"Chandler, I..." she began once their lunch had arrived. "You know, this feels so hard to say after all these years. But you know, I have always regretted that I cheated on you. I have always wondered what would have been if I hadn't."
"We would have broken up sooner or later anyway" Chandler said. "We weren't meant for each other."'
"Do you ever miss me?" Kathy asked.
Chandler didn't want to tell her the truth, that he hadn't even thought about her for fifteen years. So he decided to tell her a nicer version of events.
"I had a really hard time when we broke up" he said.
"So did I" she said. "And I constantly wanted to call you, but I figured you wouldn't be willing to talk to me."
"Maybe I wouldn't have been..." Chandler said. "I don't know anymore. It's been so long, Kathy. This was in the nineties, now we're in the second decade of the 21st century."
"Yeah. I know."
Conversation went slow throughout the lunch. Chandler thought it was very awkward. And he realized more and more that Monica had been all that Kathy wasn't. Kathy couldn't hold a candle to Monica's good heart and wonderful personality. He wondered if Kathy had ever really cared.
Kathy paid for lunch and they rose and left the restaurant.
"Why did you take me out to lunch, Kathy?" Chandler asked.
"Because it felt good to see you again. I've missed you over the years."
Chandler held back a scoff. She had no idea what missing was. She hadn't ever missed anything or anyone like Chandler missed Monica.
"Chandler..." she gently said, and stopped him by placing her hand on his arm.
"Yeah?" he asked.
She looked into his eyes, then leaned in and kissed him. Chandler let her. He hadn't kissed anyone in so many years and he had forgotten how great it felt. He let her put her arms around him and pull him closer, and he let her stick her tongue in his mouth.
They ended up in Kathy's apartment, sleeping together. Chandler quickly realized that it was another area where she couldn't hold a candle in comparison to Monica, but he also realized that he needed this. He needed to get a physical discharge and it didn't really matter with whom he got it. He partly felt bad about sleeping with her when there was no emotion involved, but she didn't seem to mind. Even though it had been so long, he still remembered what to do with a woman, and he did it pretty much on autopilot. Kathy didn't seem to notice, she seemed very content.
*
When Chandler got home that evening he felt terrible. Regina, who was something of an expert at judging his facial expressions, just like Monica had been, quickly noticed that he had done something that he felt guilty about. Gabriel just noticed that he was acting weird. But Chandler said nothing about what had happened earlier in the day.
As soon as the kids were in bed Chandler went back into his own bedroom and got into bed. He cursed himself and felt like a jerk. He hadn't realized until now, but having Monica as the last person he'd slept with had somehow felt special. Now that was all gone. And instead, the last person he'd slept with was his ex-girlfriend Kathy. One that Monica had never really liked.
"Oh crap..." he mumbled. "Monica forgive me, PLEASE! You have to forgive me! How could I do this? How could I go out and sleep with her? And KATHY of all people? I've ruined it Monica, I've ruined one of the special aspects between us! It was cheating. It was. Because you're not dead. Not really. You're DEAD, but if death really was death then there'd be no point in life. So somewhere out there you are alive. It's just another form of being alive. And I've cheated on you. And on your memory."
It didn't occur to him that it didn't matter anyhow. That Monica had known before she died that he would some day find someone else, maybe not to love but to at least be physically intimate with.
"Forgive me, Monica... I love you so!" he whispered.
He closed his eyes and let those words be the last of his conversation with her that night. He never spoke to her again at night.
Review please. Only one more part to go... plus an epilogue, but I might not post that one here...