One Fantasy to Live: The Final Installment
We find our hero's still at Selphie's surprise party. Rinoa and Squall are discussing such matters, Seifer and Laguna still want to resurrect Ultamecia, Zell and Irvine's drink were spiked and they are now acting really Gay. Moomba and Angelo are dead, because well they had too much lovin'. Edea is left alone and is the only somewhat levelheaded person.
Scene opens to Rinoa and Squall (Where we left them last time)
Rinoa: I'm positive, ok! Blue stripe!
Squall: Let me see that!
Rinoa magically pulls out a plain looking pink box.
Rinoa: Here read!
Squall reads the box for five minutes shaking his head.
Rinoa: Squally, God! What the hell are we going to do? You promised my father you were going to take care me, and now this.
Squall: I did, didn't I?
Rinoa: For the whole TWO MINUTES!
Squall: Whatever
Scene switches to Laguna and Seifer, drunk off there asses. They still want to resurrect Ultamecia. Laguna, remembering scenes from Practical Magic instructs Seifer on what to do.
Laguna: You put the lime in the coconut, and now dance around the table!
Seifer: Are you sure this is how you resurrect Ultamecia?
Laguna answers struggling with the video camera: Yes! Now shut up and dance.
All of a sudden a loud explosion comes from behind them.
Both turn around seeing Ultamecia, wearing gray sweat pants and a shirt that says, "Players 69"
At the same time Laguna and Seifer shout while hugging and jumping up and down: Yeah! We did it!
Ultamecia: Not really, it just seemed like a really desperate kry for help. Kurse all SeeDs!
Laguna: My back itches.
Ultamecia: Aren't you going to even ask me how I got here? Plus you have to prove your selves to me! Kurse all SeeDs!
Seifer: Not unless I get to wear those leather HOT PANTS that Squall wore!
Laguna: And how would you know about this?
Seifer: I have my connections…
Ultamecia: Excuse me, all-powerful Sorceress here! Kurse all SeeDs!
Laguna: Have we proven our selves yet?
Ultamecia: Fine, here are some magical HOT PANTS that will bind you as my slaves, beyond your imagining. Kurse all SeeDs!
Story switches to Selphie, Quistis, and Rinoa. They are picking out wallpaper for the "BABYROOM."
Selphie: I like this shade of white, how about you?
Rinoa: They're exactly the same! My child is going to grow up to be exactly like Squall! At my house it wouldn't be like this. At the Mansion it could have blue or pink, or even pea green is better than this!
Quistis under her breath: Then GO back to the Mansion. Hyne knows I could take care of Squall…
Rinoa: Did you say something Quistis?
Quistis: Uh yeah, you go girl…
Selphie: What about this Rubber Ducky?
Rinoa: They're exactly the same!
Selphie: No, this one's name is Jimmy. The rest of are named Billy-Bob!
Rinoa: Ok then, put "Jimmy" in the basket and let's get out of here.
Scene switches to Zell as he bumps into Irvine
Zell: Hey HOT stuff, how's it hanging?
Irvine: I'm super! Thanks for asking!
Zell: Gotta go, I'm a fill in towel boy for the male SeeD swim meet today!
Irvine: You Lucky Ducky!
Zell: Well then I'm outie!
Zell crosses his fingers.
Zell: Wish me luck!
Irvine: I will sister! Call me if you need any help, k!
Scene switches to Moomba and Angelo's funeral. Edea is the only one to show.
Some priest guy: Dearly beloved, you have gathered here today to mourn the death of Moomba and Angelo. For $4.95 a minute. Hope you enjoy!
Four go-go dancers prance around the graves singing Amazing Grace. Edea wipes away a tear.
Scene switches to Laguna and Seifer carrying Ultamecia on their backs.
Ultamecia: And after this you kan pay for my manicure and after that we kan go shopping. While I shop, you guys can go shop around for expensive jewelry fighting to win my hand. Kurse all SeeDs!
Laguna: But I already have my own hand.
Ultamecia: Quiet you! Kurse all SeeDs!
Seifer: Can I come with you to shop?
Ultamecia: Did I give you permission to speak? Kurse all SeeDs!
Seifer: No, you're most beautifully HOT CHICA under forty who can pull off any outfit she so damn well pleases to. Who is our Goddess and more powerful than that skanky hoe bitch Rinoa. Whose name I curse.
Ultamecia: You better recognize! Kurse all SeeDs!
Selphie walks in on their little get together.
Selphie: Ultamecia, my Hero!
Ultamecia: Who dares disturb me! Kurse all SeeDs!
Selphie: I can quit being a SeeD… If I can dress like you?
Seifer and Laguna smile.
Ultamecia: Very well my child, you will become my apprentice! Kurse all SeeDs!
Selphie: Finally I'll get some respect!
Scene switches to Rinoa and Squall.
Rinoa: So what do you think?
Squall: Whatever…
Rinoa: God Squall are you going to be a part of this child's life? Or am I going to have to move back home with my father!
Squall: Listen, It's very nice, but I have a lot of things to do. And there's just a lot of pressure on me now, now that I'm a teen father.
Rinoa: YOU HAVE A LOT OF PRESSURE! I am carrying a fucking baby! Top that Mr. Priorities.
Squall hugs Rinoa.
Scene changes to Quistis and Irvine.
Quistis: So Irvine, I was thinking you and I could go out sometime, yeah.
Irvine: Go shopping? I saw a pair of stripe heels that would just look divine on you!
Quistis: Umm…Ok… Who's your favorite singer?
Irvine: Well Barbara of course. But I have to say second there is a tie between Diana Ross and Shaka Kahn! Why do you ask silly?
Zell walks in.
Zell: Oh Quistis! I just got the latest issue of Vogue, and I found the cutest Drew Barrymore inspired look!
Irvine: Yeah! The one with the daisies! That would precious on that doll face like yours!
Quistis: Are you on drugs, or something?
Irvine: I don't know? But the pink punch sure added a kick in my step!
Quistis under her breath: God dame Seifer, he turned Irvy gay!
Zell: Yeah, come to think of it I have been acting kind of strange lately!
Quistis: Whatever Zell, umm Irvine come with me…
Zell whimpered: But, but, but what am I gonna do?
Quistis: Go find Selphie; I heard she was handing out with Ultamecia or something.
Zell goes off confused and seeks Selphie out. He stumbles into Laguna carrying a whole bunch of bags.
Zell, in tears: W-w-where's Selphie?
Laguna: All tell you if you carry all the bags, deal?
Zell: Ok!
Laguna leads a struggling Zell to Ultamecia's big scary castle thing. Zell starts to shake and drops a Banana Republic bag. The big intimidating doors open. (Party's common sense and reason are sealed)
Zell: B-b-but I never had common sense and reason to begin with.
Laguna: Shut up! If she hears you your gonna be in deep shit!
Zell: O-o-o-ok.
Zell and Laguna make their way to that place were they fought Ultamecia to begin with. They open to find Ultamecia and Selphie waiting for them. Selphie is dressed in a lace purple almost see through dress, her hair is up in a silver crown.
Selphie: Tee hee! Now I finally have respect!
Zell: You wish!
Selphie: Did I say you could talk?
Zell: And what are you going to do about it?
Laguna: I have to go to the bathroom…
Selphie: Now that me and Ultamecia are in charge all men shall be forced to live underground making everything for us Goddess'. And will be casterized! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Zell: Don't you mean Ultamecia and I?
Selphie: You heard me!
Zell: Where's Seifer?
Ultamecia: He is going through the operation right now! Kurse all SeeDs
Selphie: And you my little Zell will be next! Tee Hee!
Zell: But what about Laguna?
Selphie: He was so small that we figured it wouldn't really make that much of a difference.
Zell tries to run away, but is stopped by an invisible force field.
Scene switches to Irvine and Quistis, in bed.
Quistis: See now, you aren't gay?
Irvine: Who said I was?
Quistis: But I thought…
Irvine: You thought what?
Quistis: Damn, five minutes of you and you're not even gay! I knew I was easy, but I thought I had some self-respect!
Irvine: Damn straight!
Scene switches to Rinoa and Squall at a doctor's office, Rinoa is laying on the table, Dr. Kadowaki standing to the side.
Dr. Kadowaki: Are you two an item?
Squall: Well…
Rinoa: WHAT! God Dammit Squall if I wasn't strapped down to this table your ass would be grass!
Dr. Kadowaki: Oh I see, feisty!
Squall: I know…
Rinoa: So what are the results?
Dr. Kadowaki: You want the good news first, or the bad news?
Squall: Good news.
Dr. Kadowaki: Well I don't know if you would consider this bad news or good news…
Rinoa: God dammit just spit it out!
Dr. Kadawaki: Ok, ok. Here goes… The good news is, you are not 'positive'!
Squall: And…
Dr. Kadawaki: But I didn't know if that was good or bad news so I would be able to swing it both ways…
Dr. Kadowaki and Squall walk away to celebrate.
Rinoa: Little help! Please…
Scene switches to Ultamecia and Selphie watching 'Boys on the Side' and snuggling closely.
Selphie: So Ulty what do ya want to do now? Tee Hee!
Ultamecia: We can go back in the back… Kurse all SeeDs!
They are both interrupted by Irvine who was trying to find Selphie found this display of grossness
Irvine: Oh, two for the price of one.
Selphie: Say what?!
Ultamecia: Ewww a man. Get him and casterize him like the others. Kurse all seeds. Lets go my little buttercup. Kurse all seeds.
Irvine: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Not my manhood the only thing I have going for me other than my smile, dear Hyne, noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Selphie: HaHa Tee Hee.
Scene switches to Squall, Rinoa, and Quistis.
Quistis: Where the hell is everyone?
Rinoa: I have no idea, go get me some food. Pickles and rocky road ice cream preferred. Dill pickles if possible.
Squall: Okay sweetie.
Rinoa: Quit babying me, now feed me damnit. NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quistis: Okay but where do you think that everyone is?
Rinoa: I don't know I heard this rumor that two dipshits were gonna try and resurrect Ultamecia.
Quistis: I don't believe it not even Seifer and Laguna are stupid enough to do that.
Rinoa: You don't know Seifer the way that I do.
Squall walks back in holding the food.
Squall: WHAT!?
Rinoa: Quistis explain it to him I don't have the energy.
Quistis: We were talking about how stupid Seifer is.
Squall: Oh that's all good.
Rinoa: Ugh.
Quistis: Then we got on the subject of that special summer.
Squall: Damnit you know I mean I'm gone for what 4 seconds and already you're talking about that fuck. Hyne Rinoa.
Quistis: So as I've been saying all along where the hell is the rest of our posse.
Rinoa: Hey I have a good idea let's go to Ultamecia's castle after Squall goes out and gets me a few things.
Squall: Ugh no okay Rinoa your gonna get fat.
Rinoa: I'm supposed to get fat you dipshit.
Rinoa backslaps Squall as he leaves the room.
Quistis: Now that he's gone where were we?
Rinoa: HE didn't know which hole it went it.
Quistis: WHAT?
Rinoa: No not like that, he didn't know which hole to put the nozzle into for putting in gasoline. My car broke down. What good is a man if he can't fix your BMW that daddy just bought?
Quistis: I know. Anyway how far did you go?
Rinoa: Not very far my car was broken down silly!
Quistis: Ugh forget it.
Squall returns with a bag of food.
Squall: Okay lets go!
Quistis, Rinoa and Squall are standing at the gates of Ultamecia's castle. Since we last saw Zell he has been casterized, Laguna still stands patiently attending to Ultamecia's and Selphie's every will. Seifer has mysteriously disappeared. They enter and are greeted by Laguna dressed in Lederhosen.
Laguna: I am here to serve Ultamecia's every will. I am not worthy I am a speck of dirt that deserves what ever I get. Treat me how ever you feel, I will do anything you want, I bow down and beg for forgiveness for all my sins of being a man.
Laguna rambles on forever.
Squall: Whatever.
Quistis: Nice Lederhosen.
Rinoa: I'm hungry!
Quistis: Look, just show us to Ultamecia's skanky ho sorry bitch ass!
Laguna: Your wish is my command oh great Goddess who I worship!
Laguna bends down in homage.
Squall: Stop it! Get up!
Laguna gets up and leads them to Ultamecia. Ultamecia is listening to Melissa Etheridge and watching LIFETIME, television for women. Selphie's painting Ultamecia's toenails Cherry spice red. Zell is crying in a corner after watching Notting Hill. Seifer shows up out of the blue and runs up to Ultamecia.
Seifer: Thank you! I see the light now that you have casterized me!
Ultamecia: Bow down before me, for you are next. Kurse all SeeDs!!!!!!!
Ultamecia points down at Squall.
Rinoa: NOOO!!! Nobody touches my SQUALL, BITCH. Prepare to meet your demise. Angel Wing!
Rinoa sprouts magical Angel Wings. She waves her hand and Ultamecia disappears.
Rinoa: Ha!
Squall: Why didn't you do that before?
Rinoa: Well I was just so tired, but when she threatened to take away your manhood that was the last straw!
Squall and Rinoa wrap each other in a tight embrace. All of a sudden he hears a buzzing in the distance and everything goes black. He wakes up in Rinoa's embrace.
Squall: What, what happened?
Rinoa: You had a bad nightmare.
Squall: Where am I?
Rinoa: The Ultamecia Museum. You said you wanted to go, everyone else is here too. You got knocked out when Zell passed you the camera. I was really worried.
Squall: So it was all a dream….
THE END
For once and for all!
Elle's Author Note: Hehe, it's finally over. Yes everything is back to normal; it was just a funny ass sick dream that could only come from Squall. And yes they did make a museum for Ultamecia, lame asses they would. Umm, yeah this was fun and I would like to thank my co-author FuFu Deville, without her sick mind this wouldn't be possible. Though I did think of a lot of stuff to dang nabbit. Hope you enjoyed and I hope you give us some reviews!
FuFu Deville: Damn straight I have a sick mind, if it were my choice it would've been a whole lot worse but noooooooooo Elle wouldn't have it oh well. I would have had the Moomba have a special power to see if a woman was having her period or not. I also would have had a lot more sexual innuendos not to mention a lot more whoring oh well Elle actually has respect for things unlike me who can diss everything, even old people falling down, I can't help it, it's funny when you have a mind like mine. Well anyways that's all I have to say. Byers!!!!!!!!!JKurse all SeeDs.