The next day, sometime in the afternoon, I finally begin to stir. I think back to the events of the night before and try to separate the dreams from the actual events. I open my eyes, and sure enough Roger is sleeping by my side. I lie and watch him sleep for a while, still in shock that he is here with me. I finally can't help myself and begin touching him, his arms, his neck, and his chest. It is odd, touching another man's body should seem so foreign to me, but having it be Roger, who I already know so well, its seem so familiar.

He finally begins to stir and open one eye. "What are you doing?"

"Oh, uh, nothing, I'm sorry." I pull back my arm. Shit, was this a one-night thing?

"No, no need to be sorry, you just woke me up." He kisses my forehead; "did you sleep well finally?"

"Yeah, I did." I suddenly feel like I need some answers. "Roger, what is happening between us?"

He looks at me as he sits up and rubs his hand through his hair and stifles a yawn. "Nothing, well, I guess that isn't true, huh? I don't know Mark, what do you think is happening between us?"

"Well, when we kissed last night, I liked it… a lot. I'm shocked by how it made me feel. I… have… never… felt anything like it before." I put my head down; it's hard for me to say how I feel, even to Roger.

He brushes my bangs out my eyes again; "I'm pretty shaken by it too. I don't know how to handle it."

"Me neither."
"I think we need sometime to figure this out. I have band practice today, so maybe we can think about things on our own, and tonight talk about it?"
"Talk, us? That usually isn't our strong suit." I laugh at my own joke.

"We'll see what happens. I'm going to jump in for a shower. Stay in bed, get some sleep."

I roll over and try to force myself back to sleep, but I'm really not tired anymore. I get out of bed and go to search for something to eat. I hear the shower running and Roger singing in it. He left the door open a little and I go over and peek. I stand there and watch his lean muscular body through the shower curtain, and feel completely aroused. Again, I am shocked and embarrassed by what is happening to me. I'm lusting after Roger! He turns the water off; I hustle into the kitchen and pretend to be busy searching for something to eat.

He comes out with a towel wrapped around his waist, nothing unusual, but I can't keep myself from staring at him. He pretends not to notice, but smiles at me. "What?"

"Uh, nothing…. I just… I just wanted to know if you wanted anything to eat?" He gives me a wave to let me know he is all set, and disappears into his room. I take a deep breath, and try to control my feelings and desires. I make myself some Raman, and sit down on the couch. Soon Roger comes out of his room and heads for the door.

"Tonight, we'll hang out, right?"

I nod at him and he leaves. This whole situation is so strange. Yesterday, Roger and I were friends and I could relax around him. Now, I feel on edge and nervous, all because I want him to kiss me like he did last night. I finish up my breakfast and go back to my room. I notice a piece of my camera on the floor. Shit, what the hell did I do? I pick it up and scrounge around for all the pieces, most, of which I kicked under my bed. I bring them all into the living room and try to fit the pieces back together, but no such luck. It is really broke, and because of that, I throw it against the wall. Now what am I supposed to do?

I try not to think about the camera, and I try not to think about Roger. But being that they are the two most important things in my life, it is hard to sway my thoughts away from them. I decide to call Maureen, she would be a good person to talk to about things. I begin to dial her number, but realize that I dialed Collins instead. He is the one I really want to talk to right now. He would know what to say to make me feel better about things.

I hang up and try Maureen again. She answers on the second ring. I ask her to meet me for lunch, and she pointed out that it was four o'clock already. Wow, Roger and I really slept the day away. So I asked her to meet me for coffee and she laughed and accepted.
A half-hour later I am sitting across from my gay ex-girlfriend explaining to her how my male best friend kissed me last night. Understandably, she was shocked. She started laughing, "you and Roger? No way!" I just nodded and smiled; I couldn't help but smile. "Are you two like a couple now?"

I shake my head; "I don't know what we are. But Maureen, I swear, I have never felt like that before. He kissed me and I felt so… so… I don't even know the word for it!"

"You didn't feel like that when you kissed me?" She begins to pout.

"Maureen, you know I loved you, but since you are with Joanne, and I just realized I lust after Roger, perhaps we weren't meant to be after all."

She starts laughing again. "Who would of thought it all those years ago?" Then she grows serious; "Do you think Roger feels the same way about you? No offense, but he is the last person I would peg for being gay or bisexual."

"I'm not the last person?" I tease her. People assume I'm gay all the time. Though until last night, I had never any attraction to a member of the same sex.

"Mark, uh…no. Though it is weird to think about you and Roger, uh, doing it!"

"Shut up Maureen, and though I know I'm expecting a lot, would you please not say anything to anyone? Roger and I need to figure this out before the whole world knows."
"Not even Joanne?" I just look at her pleadingly. "Fine." She looks disappointed. "Though I don't understand how you can give me such juicy gossip and not expect me to tell anyone."

"Please? This whole thing is confusing."

"Well Mark, if you ask me, I think it is wonderful. You and Roger have loved each other for years, and for that love to turn into whatever is happening between the two of you is amazing."

"Yeah, it is, isn't it?" I can't help but grin back at her.

"Just… uh… be careful, you know?"

I glare back at her.

"Listen, I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't say anything. I would tell anyone I cared about to practice safe sex." And then as an afterthought, "And be careful not to have your heartbroken. I know you very well; I can see it in the way you are acting. You've got your hopes up."

"Yeah, I do. I don't think Roger is capable of breaking my heart, don't you worry."

"Oh just like he wasn't capable of breaking Mimi's heart every time they got into a fight? Roger can be viscous to those he cares about. You should know that first hand."

I think back to last night, with him bringing that girl home, which makes me think of my broken camera, and I know she is right. "I'll be careful, I promise."

"Mark, I can see it in your eyes, it's already too late."

A few hours later, I am sitting back in loft waiting for Roger. I have all the pieces to my camera spread out, trying at another feeble attempt to put it back together. I have never been so angry with myself, but yet, I'm really in a good mood. Still, I think about how I'm going to have to get a job and start saving enough to buy a new camera pisses me off. It's not that I'm against working, but I usually get paid via my camera, and now without, it's flipping burgers for me.

Finally, I hear Roger come up the stairs. He comes in drops his guitar and heads for the refrigerator. "There's nothing to eat!"
"There never is…" I shake my head, same thing, different day.

He comes to the table with some saltines we must have taken from some restaurant. "Can you fix it?"

"Healthy dinner there Roger. And no I can't." I can't help it, I am so frustrated, and I lean my forehead on my hands and try to hide the tears running down my face.

"Mark, calm down, we'll get you a new one."

"I CAN'T AFFORD A NEW ONE!" I don't know why I am yelling. Roger just pushes the piece he was holding towards me.

"Fine, whatever." He storms into his room. Great, now what? A few minutes later, Roger comes out and puts down a large amount of money. "I don't know how much you need, but this should help you out."

I sit and stare at the money. My first reaction is to throw it at him, but throwing things is what got me into this situation. "Thanks Roger, but I'll take care of it."

"Just take the money. I want you too!"

I get up from the table, leaving the money there. "Roger, what is going on?"
"I'm assuming you mean about last night? I don't know."

"Yeah, I mean last night! I've been a wreck all day, something happened to me last night. Something I never expected. When you kissed me, I felt… I felt…"

"Complete?" He drops his eyes down toward the table.

"Yeah," That was it. I felt finished, that I found my second half.

"Me too," He is standing across the room from me, staring out the window. I start to walk over to him but he turns away from me. "It's not that easy though."

"Why not?"
"Because I'm not into guys."

"Well I didn't think I was either, but…"

"But what? I'm not attracted to you in that way, ok?"

"Wait… but you just said…"

"What I said is one thing, but I can't be with you that way." He walks away from me. "I'm sorry, Mark, really, last night I just wanted to be with someone. Ever since Mimi…. I've felt alone, and you are the only person who truly understands me…"

"So what are you saying, that I would be your soul mate if I were female?"

"No, I mean, yeah… I don't know, it just isn't right."

"Wow, Maureen was right. You are viscous to those you supposedly care about most."

"Maureen? When the fuck did Maureen say that?"

"Today, after I told her about last night, she warned me not to get my hopes up…'
"YOU FUCKING TOLD HER! JESUS CHRIST MARK!"

"I just had to talk to someone about it."
"Maureen, you had to go tell Maureen, who is going to go tell the whole fucking city of New York!"

"She isn't, she promised me."
He scoffs at me, "sure, and Maureen's word is as good as gold. I can't believe you Mark. I can't believe you actually thought something was going to happen with this and that you told Maureen! Tell me Mark, what were you thinking?"

"I… I guess I wasn't." I try and fight back the tears, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything." And then I start getting furious at him, "AND I shouldn't have depended on you for anything." I resist the urge to walk away, because that is what Roger usually does, and I want to have this out with him right now. "So what, I am supposed to do now, go on considering you my best friend, nothing more, nothing less? Am I supposed to forget that I may have found the one person in the world who understands me? Am I am supposed to forget that when you kissed me everything horrible thing in my pitiful life seemed to disappear? Tell me Roger, what the fuck am I supposed to do now?"

He turns and faces me for the first time. Very calmly he says, "Get over it Mark. That's what you are supposed to do."

"FINE! DONE!" I again fight the urge to walk away. I am not going to leave my own apartment. Instead I go over and sit down at the table and bury my face in my hands. Roger picks up his guitar and strums the strings harshly and finally comes over and sits down next to me.

"Shit, why did this have to happen?"

"Why did what have to happen?"

"All of this I guess." He stands up and lets the pushes the chair into the table, knocking it over. "Can't we go back to the way things were?"

"Sure, Roger! Which part would you like to go back to? Yesterday before you kissed me? Last year before Mimi and Collins died? Two years ago when you and April were wasting your life away shooting up? OR would you like to go back to a time you didn't know me?"

He remains silent for a long time. "I just want us to be friends again. That's all."

"Fine! Buddy, no problem! We'll just pretend nothing happened!" I do not attempt to even hide the sarcasm in my voice.

"Mark… Please…"

"No problem. If you are willing to deny yourself the chance at being truly happy, then I can't force you. But I'll tell you, I know… I know you felt it too." I finally can't stand to be around him anymore and retreat to my room. I fall into my bed stare at the ceiling. My tears have all dried and I feel completely numb. I have finally learned to shut things off. Funny thing is, I learned it from Roger. And from what I hear on the other side of the wall, Roger finally learned how to feel, and how to cry, probably from me. But I don't care, I really don't. For the first time in my life, I don't want to stop Roger's pain; I want him to hurt.

I finally have had enough. I get up and grab my coat and leave. I think I hear Roger call my name, but I just keep walking. I make it down the two flights of stairs and stop in front of what was once Mimi's apartment. The apartment has been abandoned for months. I push the door and I'm surprised that it opens. I step inside. Everything has been cleared out. Collins and I went through what little possessions she had. Roger wouldn't help us, we understood, and pretended we believed his excuses of band practice. We both knew that he just went to their rehearsal space to hide out and mourn in his own way.

I can still feel Mimi here. I really cared about her, and I know she and Roger really loved each other so much. I saw the passion in his eyes on the first night they met. It was something that had been void from him for so long. I hadn't seen it since again since Mimi died, until last night. The way he looked at me, right before he kissed me, the dispirited look that he held all night, for a split second it disappeared.

Does he not think that is fucking with me as well? That until yesterday, he was just Roger, and now, wow, I really feel like I found the one. And it doesn't matter to me that it is a guy, it just matters that it is Roger. How can I go back to being just his buddy? I never expected this and I wish that it never happened.

I hear his walk down the stairs, his boots pounding each step. I get up and walk out of the apartment and almost collide with him on the landing. He just steps to the side and keeps walking. "Roger, wait." He looks up from me from the bottom step. "I'm, I'm sorry." Shit, why am I the one apologizing? I didn't do anything wrong. "Please, can we talk about this?"

"I'm sick of talking," He starts out the door. He stops, "There is nothing left to say."

"Roger, I'm sorry. I don't want to lose you as a friend, please come talk to me." I lean over the rusted landing, "Please."

"Fine," He lets out a sigh and starts ascending the stairs. I follow him afraid to actually speak. We get inside the loft and he plops on the couch, "What?"

"I, uh… I was just down at Mimi's." He gazes at me with ice in his eyes. "I just had to go think. I thought about that Christmas Eve, when you guys met, do you remember?" He nods at me. "I just remember how… well something in you renewed that night, your spirit had seemed dead for so long."

"Does this have a point Mark?" He wasn't looking at me; he was sitting with his elbow on the edge of the sofa and his hand shading his eyes.

"Well, I guess not directly, I was just thinking about it." He starts to stand up, "Roger, wait." The tears start free falling, "Listen, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I don't want to lose you, you are the most important person in my life. Please, don't shut me out, please. If you say last night didn't mean anything, fine, I mean you are probably right, we just were mourning Collins and we both have been lonely and…"

"It meant everything."

"What?"

"Mark, it meant everything, that's why it can't happen again." He is still shading his eyes and not allowing me to see his face.

"Roger, I don't understand, please," I go over to the couch, "Look at me!" I reach out to him and he smacks my hand away and gets off the couch. He goes over to the window and starts looking out.

"You see Mark, it is really very simple." His voice is monotonous and soft. "I hurt everyone I love. I fight with them, I leave them or I just treat them bad. I don't want to do that to you." Before I could intercede, he continues. "But you see, they always have the last laugh on me. Because no matter how much I try and protect myself, they always hurt me more than I could ever hurt them. They always leave me." He keeps looking out the window. "That's why, even though, last night I felt more complete than I have in months, I can't be with you. I can't be with anyone."

"Roger, no, it is not going to be that way." I go over to him but he turns away from me. "Roger, I'm not going to leave you, I haven't yet!" He kind of snickers at that one.

"It doesn't matter Mark, because I will still end up hurting you, just like I hurt Mimi, and even April. I couldn't stand it if I hurt you."

"Roger, come sit down." He shakes his head. "Fine, just stand here and listen to me. I'm tougher than I look, I have had to be after all the shit you put me through. Back in the days of you and April shooting up, to your diagnosis, your withdrawal, you taking off after Angel's funeral, so on and so forth, If I didn't have thick skin, I would have broke long ago. But I didn't, because I care about you, and I know you, and I know you are better than the shell that you became with April, and I knew you would eventually walk out of this apartment, and I knew you would come back home from Santa Fe. But if you are afraid of hurting me, no worries, you're too late. You've hurt me countless times, but I perpetually survive." I take a deep breath, "and I will continue to survive, because I'm not going anywhere."

Roger turns around and embraces me. He is sobbing into my shoulder, leaning all his body weight into me. I hold him, and keep reassuring him that I wasn't going to leave and he was stuck with me for the long run. After many minutes, he finally pulls away from me and tells me that he loves me. And for the first time in my life, I actually understand what those words mean.