Author's Note: OK! I give in! I'm weak, too weak to pilot Nataku and to refuse your requests to write Moonlight in Sirius's POV. Warning: lots of Sirius torture ahead. ^_^
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters - etc. Don't sue me or I'll have to beat you over the head with sticks. You know how I hate to do that, but I will.
He paced about the room like a caged tiger. His mind was reeling, had been ever since three days ago. He couldn't eat or sleep, couldn't concentrate. *Why* hadn't he said something? Why hadn't he *done* something? He'd been so close to telling Remus his true feelings, but as soon as there was the tiniest hint they might be reciprocated, he'd lost his nerve.
* Just like you did when James asked you to be the Secret Keeper. * a nasty voice in the back of his mind said.
Guilt assailed him again. It was all his fault. He should've taken the responsiblilty, not delegated it. No matter how logical it'd seemed at the time for him to play decoy, no matter how well it'd been planned, it all came back to his urging James to switch Secret Keepers.
* I should've at least realized who the real traitor was. *
More guilt. He hated himself for suspecting Remus, for getting Lily and James killed, for making Harry an orphan. He hated himself for not stopping Pettigrew from killing those innocent people in the street, for not getting rid of Pettigrew when he had the chance a year ago.
* Look what happened because I couldn't stop him. Another innocent died, Harry almost did, and Voldemort has regained his power. *
* It's all my fault. I'm worse than a traitor. *
Sirius suddenly became calm. He knew what he was going to do. It was so clear, so easy. He left his ground-floor room and went silently into the kitchen. He opened a drawer and took out a short sharp paring knife. It gleamed in the moonlight that spilled in through the window above the sink. He ran it thouhtfully up and down his fore-arm, feeling the cold sharpness of it. It left a thin trail of blood behind it, a mere scratch. Oh, but he was going to go deeper the next time. Much deeper.
The part of his mind that had kept him sane in Azkaban finally began screaming at him through the haze of hunger and exhaustion that was half-fueling this madness.
* What about Harry? What about Remus? *
* I'll end up killing them just like I've killed all the other people who've ever meant anything to me. *
But the thought made him pause as he lowered the blade again. Then he heard footsteps on the stairs. Shame took him. What if his friends found him here, about to take his own life? they'd know that he was truly weak, truly a coward then. He hastily ducked into a corner of the room, praying that whoever it was didn't turn on the light.
It was Remus. He held his breath as his friend appeared in the stairwell, but the tall lycanthrope moved right past the light switch to the screen door and left silently. Sirius heaved a sigh of relief and crossed to the table. He stood there unceratinly for a moment. He looked down at his wrist. The scratch had already stopped bleeding, but it still stung a bit. He transferred his gaze to the knife in his other hand, then set the weapon down on the table. His sanity had returned to him, however briefly, and he knew he had to talk to Remus.
Outside was bright after being in the dark kitchen for so long. It was easy to follow Remus into the field without being heard. He was called Padfoot for a reason, after all. He'd nearly caught up with Remus when the man stopped suddenly. Thinking he'd been noticed, he halted afew feet away.
* Might as well start talking now. *
"Nice night," he said, then watched as Remus jumped and spun.
* Okay, so I hadn't been noticed, * he thought with an odd flash of humor.
"Yeah, it is," Remus said in a friendly tone but looking uncertain. "Couldn't sleep either?"
"No," he responded, thinking of the knife. "Then I heard you leave and I thought I'd see where you were going. You don't mind, do you?"
"No."
Sirius nodded, coming to stand next to him. He didn't want Remus to see his eyes, so instead of looking at him, he turned his face up to the moon.
The moon. She looked so peaceful, so calming. For tweleve years she'd been surrounded by bars, and still he marveled at her beauty when she was unfettered. Memories from both Azkaban and before tugged at him, connected to the man next to him, to Moony.
"When I was in Azkaban," he began, feeling it necessary that he tell Remus this, "I had a window in my cell. It was very small and high up, and there were bars and spells on it, but it let in the light. Every once in while I would see the moon through it. It made me think of you."
There was a slight pause, and Sirius could feel Remus's sidelong glance.
"I thought of you often when you were in Azkaban."
This statement at once thrilled and hurt Sirius. He snorted.
"Probably cursing my name for betraying Lily and James, and then for killing Pettigrew and all those innocents."
"I could never curse your name," Remus said softly, a strange undertone in his words.
"But you believed I was the traitor."
He screwed up his courage and looked over at his friend. The look in those brown eyes made him long for the knife. He knew he wasn't worthy of that look in anyone's eyes, much less in the eyes of a man who'd been so noble through this all. Remus put an arm around him, surprising him, but he couldn't bear to shrug it off; he knew it'd cause Remus pain.
"At the time I did. But now I know the truth. It wasn't your fault, Siruis," Remus said gently.
* I wish I could believe that. *
He turned away, ashamed. He had tried to convince himself of that, but deep down the truth was etched into his mind.
Remus forcefully turned him back to face him, capturing his eyes again.
"It wasn't your fault."
He could only shake his head numbly and try to look away, but Remus was holding his cheek so he couldn't.
"It wasn't your fault."
Remus sounded so sure, and his eyes were so filled with empathy and offered comfort, if he would only take it. He wanted to believe what his friend was saying with utter conviction, but his demons were toying with him again. He wrenched himself out of Remus's grip and began to run away. The knife. It would give him relief. He didn't want to have to deal with the battle in his head. But something was happening, some great upheaval. He couldn't keep it within himself anymore. He stopped, and bit back a wail of anguish.
* I won't cry. I won't cry in front of him, I won't let him see how weak I am, how scared... *
"Damn you, Remus." His shoulders shook in the effort to contain himself.
He felt himself being seized by wirey strong arms. He clung to Remus unashamedly, letting his emotions pour out into the night. In Azkaban he'd treasured what emotions he had, held them close to him for fear that if he let them go his sense of self would leave with them. Now the longer he held them the closer he came to loosing himself to the madness. So he let them go, because Remus was there to help, to calm, to sooth, as the moon had soothed him in Azkaban. Slowly, he felt himself being purged, he felt his mind beginning to accept Remus's insistent whispers that it wasn't his fault. The desire for the knife melted away.
Finally he felt calm enough to pull away. He met Remus's eyes and saw love and comfort. He wanted them both. But he had to say something first, before he said everything alse he wanted to.
"Thank you."
Remus looked crestfallen but gave a sad smile that nearly broke Sirius's heart.
"What are *friends* for?"
That hurt to hear, the bitter, disappointed way it sounded. The smile was exactly like the one he'd worn three nights ago when he left the kitchen. Now he was trying to leave again. Sirius knew that if he let him go they'd never have another chance. He did the first thing that came to mind: he pulled Remus to him and kissed him. But the kiss was strange, Remus was rigid in his arms. He let go quickly, his heart sinking.
* Stupid! Stupid stupid stupid! *
"I'm sorry - I thought - I - you - " he said, cursing himself. He felt his face get hot. "I wasn't thinking - "
He stopped as Remus brushed his lips with a trembling finger. His love leaned in, hypnotising him.
"It's all right," he said huskily.
"I-it is?" he asked, hardly daring to believe.
He was silenced by a kiss. Remus became his world. It was heady and sweet, chaste yet somehow passionate. He tentatively let his hands rest on the man's hips, and felt Remus wrap his arms around his neck. Finally they had to break away to breath.
"I love you," Remus said, then looked shocked and shamed that he'd said it.
Sirius's heart leapt higher than he had thought possible at those words, but was saddened that Remus obvoiusly thought he didn't return the sentiment. He cupped the lycanthropic man's cheek to keep him from turning away. He let the joy he felt shine through to his face as he smiled at him.
"I love you, too."
Remus's face was the likeness of joy as he kissed Sirius again.
* Damn him. I'm crying. *
Yet Another Author's Note: Okay folks. What do you think? If it's not as good as the other one, don't blame me, you guys asked for it! ^_^ Anywho, I had fun writing it, angst is fun. I hope everyone was really depressed until the last bit. ^_^
(P.S. If you don't get the Nataku thing in the first author's note, don't worry about it. To those who did get it, WuFei rocks! Gumdam Wing rocks! Woohoo!)
Review? Please? Pretty please with ice cream and chocolate sauce and strawberries and sprinkles on top?
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters - etc. Don't sue me or I'll have to beat you over the head with sticks. You know how I hate to do that, but I will.
He paced about the room like a caged tiger. His mind was reeling, had been ever since three days ago. He couldn't eat or sleep, couldn't concentrate. *Why* hadn't he said something? Why hadn't he *done* something? He'd been so close to telling Remus his true feelings, but as soon as there was the tiniest hint they might be reciprocated, he'd lost his nerve.
* Just like you did when James asked you to be the Secret Keeper. * a nasty voice in the back of his mind said.
Guilt assailed him again. It was all his fault. He should've taken the responsiblilty, not delegated it. No matter how logical it'd seemed at the time for him to play decoy, no matter how well it'd been planned, it all came back to his urging James to switch Secret Keepers.
* I should've at least realized who the real traitor was. *
More guilt. He hated himself for suspecting Remus, for getting Lily and James killed, for making Harry an orphan. He hated himself for not stopping Pettigrew from killing those innocent people in the street, for not getting rid of Pettigrew when he had the chance a year ago.
* Look what happened because I couldn't stop him. Another innocent died, Harry almost did, and Voldemort has regained his power. *
* It's all my fault. I'm worse than a traitor. *
Sirius suddenly became calm. He knew what he was going to do. It was so clear, so easy. He left his ground-floor room and went silently into the kitchen. He opened a drawer and took out a short sharp paring knife. It gleamed in the moonlight that spilled in through the window above the sink. He ran it thouhtfully up and down his fore-arm, feeling the cold sharpness of it. It left a thin trail of blood behind it, a mere scratch. Oh, but he was going to go deeper the next time. Much deeper.
The part of his mind that had kept him sane in Azkaban finally began screaming at him through the haze of hunger and exhaustion that was half-fueling this madness.
* What about Harry? What about Remus? *
* I'll end up killing them just like I've killed all the other people who've ever meant anything to me. *
But the thought made him pause as he lowered the blade again. Then he heard footsteps on the stairs. Shame took him. What if his friends found him here, about to take his own life? they'd know that he was truly weak, truly a coward then. He hastily ducked into a corner of the room, praying that whoever it was didn't turn on the light.
It was Remus. He held his breath as his friend appeared in the stairwell, but the tall lycanthrope moved right past the light switch to the screen door and left silently. Sirius heaved a sigh of relief and crossed to the table. He stood there unceratinly for a moment. He looked down at his wrist. The scratch had already stopped bleeding, but it still stung a bit. He transferred his gaze to the knife in his other hand, then set the weapon down on the table. His sanity had returned to him, however briefly, and he knew he had to talk to Remus.
Outside was bright after being in the dark kitchen for so long. It was easy to follow Remus into the field without being heard. He was called Padfoot for a reason, after all. He'd nearly caught up with Remus when the man stopped suddenly. Thinking he'd been noticed, he halted afew feet away.
* Might as well start talking now. *
"Nice night," he said, then watched as Remus jumped and spun.
* Okay, so I hadn't been noticed, * he thought with an odd flash of humor.
"Yeah, it is," Remus said in a friendly tone but looking uncertain. "Couldn't sleep either?"
"No," he responded, thinking of the knife. "Then I heard you leave and I thought I'd see where you were going. You don't mind, do you?"
"No."
Sirius nodded, coming to stand next to him. He didn't want Remus to see his eyes, so instead of looking at him, he turned his face up to the moon.
The moon. She looked so peaceful, so calming. For tweleve years she'd been surrounded by bars, and still he marveled at her beauty when she was unfettered. Memories from both Azkaban and before tugged at him, connected to the man next to him, to Moony.
"When I was in Azkaban," he began, feeling it necessary that he tell Remus this, "I had a window in my cell. It was very small and high up, and there were bars and spells on it, but it let in the light. Every once in while I would see the moon through it. It made me think of you."
There was a slight pause, and Sirius could feel Remus's sidelong glance.
"I thought of you often when you were in Azkaban."
This statement at once thrilled and hurt Sirius. He snorted.
"Probably cursing my name for betraying Lily and James, and then for killing Pettigrew and all those innocents."
"I could never curse your name," Remus said softly, a strange undertone in his words.
"But you believed I was the traitor."
He screwed up his courage and looked over at his friend. The look in those brown eyes made him long for the knife. He knew he wasn't worthy of that look in anyone's eyes, much less in the eyes of a man who'd been so noble through this all. Remus put an arm around him, surprising him, but he couldn't bear to shrug it off; he knew it'd cause Remus pain.
"At the time I did. But now I know the truth. It wasn't your fault, Siruis," Remus said gently.
* I wish I could believe that. *
He turned away, ashamed. He had tried to convince himself of that, but deep down the truth was etched into his mind.
Remus forcefully turned him back to face him, capturing his eyes again.
"It wasn't your fault."
He could only shake his head numbly and try to look away, but Remus was holding his cheek so he couldn't.
"It wasn't your fault."
Remus sounded so sure, and his eyes were so filled with empathy and offered comfort, if he would only take it. He wanted to believe what his friend was saying with utter conviction, but his demons were toying with him again. He wrenched himself out of Remus's grip and began to run away. The knife. It would give him relief. He didn't want to have to deal with the battle in his head. But something was happening, some great upheaval. He couldn't keep it within himself anymore. He stopped, and bit back a wail of anguish.
* I won't cry. I won't cry in front of him, I won't let him see how weak I am, how scared... *
"Damn you, Remus." His shoulders shook in the effort to contain himself.
He felt himself being seized by wirey strong arms. He clung to Remus unashamedly, letting his emotions pour out into the night. In Azkaban he'd treasured what emotions he had, held them close to him for fear that if he let them go his sense of self would leave with them. Now the longer he held them the closer he came to loosing himself to the madness. So he let them go, because Remus was there to help, to calm, to sooth, as the moon had soothed him in Azkaban. Slowly, he felt himself being purged, he felt his mind beginning to accept Remus's insistent whispers that it wasn't his fault. The desire for the knife melted away.
Finally he felt calm enough to pull away. He met Remus's eyes and saw love and comfort. He wanted them both. But he had to say something first, before he said everything alse he wanted to.
"Thank you."
Remus looked crestfallen but gave a sad smile that nearly broke Sirius's heart.
"What are *friends* for?"
That hurt to hear, the bitter, disappointed way it sounded. The smile was exactly like the one he'd worn three nights ago when he left the kitchen. Now he was trying to leave again. Sirius knew that if he let him go they'd never have another chance. He did the first thing that came to mind: he pulled Remus to him and kissed him. But the kiss was strange, Remus was rigid in his arms. He let go quickly, his heart sinking.
* Stupid! Stupid stupid stupid! *
"I'm sorry - I thought - I - you - " he said, cursing himself. He felt his face get hot. "I wasn't thinking - "
He stopped as Remus brushed his lips with a trembling finger. His love leaned in, hypnotising him.
"It's all right," he said huskily.
"I-it is?" he asked, hardly daring to believe.
He was silenced by a kiss. Remus became his world. It was heady and sweet, chaste yet somehow passionate. He tentatively let his hands rest on the man's hips, and felt Remus wrap his arms around his neck. Finally they had to break away to breath.
"I love you," Remus said, then looked shocked and shamed that he'd said it.
Sirius's heart leapt higher than he had thought possible at those words, but was saddened that Remus obvoiusly thought he didn't return the sentiment. He cupped the lycanthropic man's cheek to keep him from turning away. He let the joy he felt shine through to his face as he smiled at him.
"I love you, too."
Remus's face was the likeness of joy as he kissed Sirius again.
* Damn him. I'm crying. *
Yet Another Author's Note: Okay folks. What do you think? If it's not as good as the other one, don't blame me, you guys asked for it! ^_^ Anywho, I had fun writing it, angst is fun. I hope everyone was really depressed until the last bit. ^_^
(P.S. If you don't get the Nataku thing in the first author's note, don't worry about it. To those who did get it, WuFei rocks! Gumdam Wing rocks! Woohoo!)
Review? Please? Pretty please with ice cream and chocolate sauce and strawberries and sprinkles on top?