Adultery, Part12
INTRODUCTION: The second-last part of this series. No other introduction necessary, only that you should read the other parts before this one... which I assume you have, :)!
DISCLAIMER: The "Friends" characters belong to NBC. The music used and referred to belongs to Jörgen Elofsson, Per Magnusson & David Kreuger (1st musical mentioning) and Björn Ulvaeus and Benny Andersson (2nd musical mentioning). And I assure you, the nationality is purely coincidental... :)!
"You what?" Lukas asked, looking from one parent to another before his eyes finally stopped at Monica. "Why?"
"Lots of reasons…" Monica answered. "I… can't… stay right now."
"Why dad?" Lukas asked his father.
"Yeah dad, why?" Max asked.
"Is this about that thing she did four years ago?" Lukas added.
"Yes" Chandler answered. He didn't know how Lukas knew even that much, but he wouldn't deny it. "It's very much about that."
"But how can you tell her to leave for something she did that long ago?" Lukas asked.
"I didn't find out four years ago. I found out this month."
"Found out what, exactly?" Lukas asked. "Is it really so terrible that you have to kick her out?"
"Who said I'm kicking her out?" Chandler asked. "She decided to leave herself."
Monica angrily glared at him. He hadn't had to tell them that. She didn't realize that if he hadn't, he would be the bad guy in the eyes of their children.
*
Chandler walked into the bedroom and saw her packing some clothes in a bag. He got a funny feeling, and was all of a sudden sad. He didn't want her to leave deep down. She had betrayed him but he still loved her very much. He knew that further down the road they would most likely end up divorced, but he didn't feel ready to be separated from her just yet.
She hadn't noticed him yet, and he took the opportunity to take a good look at her. She looked at least five years younger than she really was, partly thanks to her long hair that reached her waist. She almost always kept it down, but right now she had it in a ponytail. She was wearing a blouse and jeans, and he knew that the blouse was bought on their last trip to Jamaica together. They had been there for their honeymoon and then returned every three years for anniversaries. This year they would have gone, but Chandler knew that was out of the question. He had even called earlier in the week and cancelled it. He saw that from her ears hung a pair of earrings he had given her once about seven years ago. She had a look of concentration on her face, a look he knew well. Her face was free from makeup.
She looked so familiar to him. He knew her looks in every part of his mind, he knew exactly what each of her features looked like. Yet still it was like looking at a stranger. A stranger he had shared his life with for such a long time, without even knowing that she was a stranger. He had thought he knew her so well, but now he knew better. He didn't have the slightest idea who she was.
Suddenly she looked up and saw him standing there. She recoiled slightly out of the surprise, then looked away. He was confusing her. When he talked he didn't say much good things about her, but right now he was looking at her and he hadn't stopped when she had noticed him.
"Hi there" she mumbled.
"So where are you moving to?" Chandler asked her.
"I.. don't know really" she replied. "I'm probably gonna stay with Joey for a while until I find a place."
Chandler sniffed.
"Well excuse me!" she said, upset. "I have to stay SOMEWHERE, don't I? And Joey's the only one who'd let me stay."
"Yeah, and in exchange for rent all you'd have to do is get a little naked with him."
"Shut up!" she hissed.
"Don't blame me! And besides, don't move out right this minute if you haven't found a place yet. Nobody's holding a gun to your head."
"Stop confusing me" Monica said. She was getting more and more confused. He almost sounded as if he wanted her to stay.
"I'm not" Chandler replied and crossed his arms. "I'm not exactly eager to go to bed together with you for all of my days, but I'm not that cruel and petty Monica that I would kick you out without you having a place to stay."
"I have a place to stay. Joey's" Monica replied.
"Oh why can't you just admit it, huh?" Chandler asked. "You want to stay with him! You know Ross would take you in! So don't try to pretend that--"
"Ross hasn't returned any of my phone calls for two weeks!" Monica interrupted. "Does that give you a hint, Sherlock?"
"Oh give me a break, Mrs. Melodrama! You're not exactly a woman with no friends. Damn it, your phone book is about the size of the novel that your cheesy love story with Joey would be."
"Well in case Mr. Sharpeyed hasn't noticed, I don't exactly have any left that live in New York!"
"And who's fault is that?"
"Damn it Chandler" Monica muttered and closed the suitcase. "I'm not staying with Joey so that I can sleep with him, I'm staying with him because I have no place else to go!"
"Yes, 'cause getting yourself an apartment is absolutely impossible" Chandler sarcastically said.
"Chandler we're not short on money, but I doubt we can afford paying for both an apartment and the house payments."
"Oh don't you worry about that" Chandler said.
"You really want me out that bad, don't you?"
"You're the one who said you were moving out." He sighed and walked a little closer. "You know, this is getting ridiculous. We're starting to act like children. You don't need to move in with Joey ASAP, you might as well stay here until you find an apartment."
"No. I've talked to Joey, he's expecting me this afternoon."
With that she walked past him to go get another suitcase.
*
"Hello?" Joey said, answering the phone.
"You just couldn't let it go, could you?"
"Chandler?"
"No, Albert Einstein" Chandler sarcastically answered.
"I'm assuming this ain't a forgive and forget call…" Joey said with a sigh.
"No, I am as far from forgiving you as I could be" Chandler said. "And don't think I've called you up to make you change my mind."
"You mind telling me what you're calling me for then?" Joey asked.
"You couldn't help yourself, could you?" Chandler asked, getting angrier by the minute. "I never realized you were so damn jealous of me! But apparently, ruining my life wasn't enough for you. Now you want more!"
"Would you stop beating around the bush and just tell me?" Joey asked, getting a headache.
"You didn't settle for it, you don't settle for anything, do you?" Chandler continued. "Not only did you have to see what I see when I'm with my wife at night, not only did you have to touch what I touch, kiss what I kiss, feel what I feel… No, you had to know what it's been like for me these past years to live with her! You had to have the whole damn thing, didn't you? The whole nine yards! What next, you're gonna try and get my kids?"
"Chandler get a GRIP, this is getting RIDICULOUS!" Joey objected.
"Oh shut the hell up! You know, I just can't--"
Joey sighed and hung up. He wasn't interested. Chandler's new bitterness and anger was so strange, and Joey couldn't for his life understand why it was such a crime to give Monica a roof over her head for a while.
He cursed to himself. He had actually been looking forward to her moving in with him for a while. He was angry with her, but he was more than willing to forget right now. He was so terribly lonely, all of his friends took a distance from him now. She was all he had, and he was looking forward to some company. He wasn't used to being all alone without no one to talk to. And he had lost all urge to go pick up women for the night. And either way he was getting too old for that kind of life now.
He had one big problem now. Another reason why he had been eager to have Monica live with him again was that he was still in love with her. He knew she didn't feel it back, she only had eyes for Chandler, but he really didn't mind at this point. All he wanted was to be near her. But the phone call from Chandler had made him wonder. He knew Chandler far better than Chandler would admit, and he knew that Chandler still loved Monica very much and that he didn't want to loose her. Monica thought that everything was over and that it didn't matter what she said or did, but Joey realized it wasn't true. He also realized that Monica moving in with him would hurt her chances to work things out with Chandler. He sighed and lifted the phone.
*
Monica sighed and put her suitcase down to answer the phone. Chandler and the boys were out in the back, she had to answer it herself. She hurried into Chandler's downstairs office and answered.
"Hello?"
"Monica? It's Joey."
"Oh hey Joey. I'm leaving in an hour. If that's what you wanna know."
"Actually Mon… I don't think you should."
"You don't think I should what?"
"Move in with me."
Monica's face fell.
"Are you joking?"
"I wish I was… But I'm not."
"Joey we had a deal!"
"What good can come of it? Nothing at all! Go back to your husband Monica, that's where you belong. And if he doesn't want you then come up with a solution on your own. I've caused enough damage."
Monica hung up a few seconds after he did. Then she burst into tears. Now she had no one. At least before she had had Joey on her side, but now she was all by herself.
She didn't hear Chandler entering. He was surprised to see her in his office, but when he saw her by the phone he guessed what had made her go in there. Then he realized that she was crying.
He came close to walking up to her to offer her support. It had been such a deeply rooted instinct in him for so many years now to always cheer her up and comfort her when she was sad, and it was hard to break at this point. But he stopped himself from walking over to her and instead left his office.
*
"So, you still here?" he said later that evening when she showed up for dinner. He had ordered pizza and she sat down opposite Max, grabbing a slice.
"I am until tomorrow" she said. "I spent the afternoon on the phone, trying to get a place. And I lucked out, for once, and managed to get to sublet an apartment from this guy I work with."
"Guy, huh?"
"Just let it go."
*
Monica had a lump in her throat when she went to bed that night. She was sleeping in the bedroom, sine that was the only place where she had a pillow and a blanket. She had packed down the extra blankets and pillows earlier that day.
Chandler was lying quiet next to her, listening to the radio. He didn't have much to say at this point. There was no point in telling her that although he was so angry with her, he would miss her.
"Have a good nights sleep, Mon" he finally said. "Enjoy your last night in this bed. 'Cause you're never gonna sleep in it again."
"What if we get divorced someday?" Monica asked. "Maybe I get the bed."
"Not likely. Remember how my mother mistrusted you before we got married? She had you sign a prenuptial agreement. You're entitled to nothing."
"I get everything that's mine."
"The bed ain't."
"Never mind!" she angrily said and sighed in annoyment. "The very last time…" she added in a whisper.
Chandler heard her and turned his head to look at her. He would never admit it to anyone, especially not her, but he was devastated at this point. He had loved her for too long, he wasn't ready to be without her just yet. He didn't want her to go. But it had been her decision. Hers and not his. She didn't want their marriage. It was strange, he somehow wanted it though he said he didn't. She, on the other hand, said she wanted it but her actions said something else.
She turned her head and met his eyes. They had so many years gone to bed together and looked each other in the eye like this. They had spent so much time together in this very bed, but now it was all over.
Suddenly she couldn't control herself. She quickly moved her head close to his and kissed him. When she felt that he didn't approve yet didn't disapprove she kissed him a little harder and placed her hand on his cheek. She felt his mouth open and how he let her tongue in his mouth.
Without really knowing how it had happened, Chandler found himself being naked with her, kissing and caressing her body, moving further down her stomach. Her hands were caressing his shoulders and she was moaning quietly.
Monica savoured every second of it. She had never expected him to want to do this with her again, and she was well aware of how good he could make her feel. A thousand thoughts ran through her head, and they all lead to the conclusion that things would be okay again. He sure didn't seem mad at her right now.
Chandler was very well aware of what he was doing and whom with. But it didn't matter to him. After all, she was still his wife, and he loved her. And he didn't want her to go. At least not in this moment. I wasn't until a few minutes later when he had just moved inside of her that the realization hit him. She wasn't his exclusively, she had done this very same thing with Joey. A number of times, and while she was married to him, Chandler. Joey had at one point felt the same physical pleasure she was giving him now. He couldn't make himself move as much as a centimetre, he didn't know what he was feeling.
"Chandler?" Monica asked, confused that he had stopped right away. "Honey is something wrong? Why aren't you moving?"
"I can't do this" he said, and rolled off her.
"Can't what? Talk to me, what's going on?"
"You slept with him Monica. I can't change than and I can't get over it. It's no use. Why are you even here with me? You might as well go to him instead."
Monica sat up and leaned against her knees, wrapping her arms around them. She felt offended and abandoned.
"I just… can't make it work" Chandler said. "It's impossible."
"Sure" she whispered, not knowing if she was serious or sarcastic.
"Monica I've gotta ask…" Chandler said, feeling like he was welling up. "When you were with Joey four years ago, did you have feelings for him? Were you in love?"
"Chand--"
"No, don't say anything!" he interrupted her. "Because on second thought I don't want to know. If you weren't in love with him, if you did it only for the sex, then that's so low and so awful that it tears me apart. And if you did feel something for him, if you were in love with him, then I don't think I can handle that!"
Monica could tell from his voice that he had started to cry. His sob a few seconds later confirmed that thought. She laid back down and looked at him.
"I--"
"Just don't say anything, okay? Either answer would be just as awful. I don't want either one. But I'm glad we sort of had sex tonight."
"You are?"
"I've been wondering if it was right to let you move out. If maybe I should try somehow to get over this. Now I know it's useless, I can't even sleep with you so how could I spend the rest of my life with you?"
Monica didn't reply. She turned her head back to look at the ceiling. Chandler turned his attention back to the radio, that was playing a song from the 20th century.
Day after day
Time pass away
And I just can't get you off my mind
Nobody knows
I hide it inside
I keep on searching, but I can't find
The courage to show
To letting you know
I've never felt so much love before
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out.
But if I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be
Holding you close to me
Will I ever see
You smiling back at me
How will I know?
If I let you go
Night after night
I hear myself say
Why can't this feeling just fade away
There's no one like you
You speak to my heart
It's such a shame we're worlds apart
I'm too shy to ask
I'm too proud to loose
But sooner or later
I've got to choose
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out
But if I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be
Holding you close to me
Will I ever see
You smiling back at me
How will I know
If I let you go
If I let you go
Once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out
But if I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be
Holding you close to me
Will I ever see
You smiling back at me
How will I know
If I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be
Holding you close to me
Will I ever see
You smiling back at me
How will I know
If I let you go
Chandler angrily turned the radio off. He didn't need to listen to songs like that. It raised too many questions in his head.
Was he doing the right thing in letting her go? Or was he just running from his problems, taking the easy way out. On the other hand, he knew that a divorce would in no sense be easy. Not with Lukas and Max in the picture. He didn't want his sons to suffer from a divorce like he had done himself when he was little, and he was determined to keep them safe from that experience. If he divorced Monica he would make sure they got to see both their parents on a regular basis. And he would make sure not to split them up, having one of them live with him and one of them live with Monica.
Monica was still quiet. Her life had been one emotional storm after another the past few weeks, and this day had been the worst one so far. She had argued with Chandler earlier while she had packed, and then she had gotten that phone call from Joey. At that point she hadn't thought her day, or her life, could get any worse. So she had gotten on the phone with people she knew that might be able to help her out with the apartment business, and to her luck a waiter at the restaurant was going away for six months and she could sublet his apartment. And then she and Chandler had first bickered in bed, then started having sex. And now this last comment from Chandler.
She sighed deeply and rolled over on her side. What she wished for more than anything, was that he would roll over and put his arm around her. She desperately wanted him to, though she knew he wouldn't. She was on the brink of tears but she wasn't going to give in to them. She didn't want to give him that satisfaction. This was her last night in this bedroom, in this bed and together with him. She didn't want to give in to him during that last night.
Chandler's tears had stopped falling. He knew what he had said to her five minutes earlier about knowing now that it was for the best that she moved out. But he didn't mean it 100%. He was too unsure to really know what he wanted and what he needed. But one thing was for sure, he would never be able to get the kind of marriage he had once had back.
He realized he was wearing his wrist watch and took it off. He looked at it for a second. She had given it to him for Christmas the same year Max was born, and he had always loved it. And he still did. He wasn't so petty that he thought that everything she had given him was worthless now just because her sense of monogamy was. It was an expensive watch with high quality. But what made him sad now was that he had always thought it was a gift with all her love. But now given the timing, it was more likely a gift with all her guilt. She had given it to him the year she had cheated.
Monica turned and looked at him holding the watch in his hand. She had no idea what he was thinking.
"You really sure?" she asked. "About what you said before?"
"What's done is done Monica" he said. "I can't give you a second chance. Because you had a second chance after the first time you slept with him. You used that second chance when you continued the affair. By now I think you've used about eighteen chances. And I won't give you no more. It's just not worth it."
"You really feel that way, don't you?"
"And the fact that I can't even sleep with you anymore says pretty much" Chandler said. "I wouldn't exactly call it a meant-to-be marriage if the two people aren't even able to have sex without one of them having to stop. When I married you I thought I married a faithful, somewhat conservative woman. Instead you turned out to be a nympho."
"Chandler that's unfair!"
"I thought I struck gold when I found you, I really did!" He looked at her. "But now… The gold turned into sand."
She saw him letting the watch slip from his hand, down on the floor. She understood what he meant by letting it slip from his hand, she knew the song. But unlike him she still had hope that it would get better between them.
"The gold turned into sand" Chandler repeated in a whisper.
Please review and tell me what you think! The next part is the last part, and it's gonna take me a while because it's gonna be longer than the previous parts... Any suggestions you might have for it would be very welcome!
INTRODUCTION: The second-last part of this series. No other introduction necessary, only that you should read the other parts before this one... which I assume you have, :)!
DISCLAIMER: The "Friends" characters belong to NBC. The music used and referred to belongs to Jörgen Elofsson, Per Magnusson & David Kreuger (1st musical mentioning) and Björn Ulvaeus and Benny Andersson (2nd musical mentioning). And I assure you, the nationality is purely coincidental... :)!
"You what?" Lukas asked, looking from one parent to another before his eyes finally stopped at Monica. "Why?"
"Lots of reasons…" Monica answered. "I… can't… stay right now."
"Why dad?" Lukas asked his father.
"Yeah dad, why?" Max asked.
"Is this about that thing she did four years ago?" Lukas added.
"Yes" Chandler answered. He didn't know how Lukas knew even that much, but he wouldn't deny it. "It's very much about that."
"But how can you tell her to leave for something she did that long ago?" Lukas asked.
"I didn't find out four years ago. I found out this month."
"Found out what, exactly?" Lukas asked. "Is it really so terrible that you have to kick her out?"
"Who said I'm kicking her out?" Chandler asked. "She decided to leave herself."
Monica angrily glared at him. He hadn't had to tell them that. She didn't realize that if he hadn't, he would be the bad guy in the eyes of their children.
*
Chandler walked into the bedroom and saw her packing some clothes in a bag. He got a funny feeling, and was all of a sudden sad. He didn't want her to leave deep down. She had betrayed him but he still loved her very much. He knew that further down the road they would most likely end up divorced, but he didn't feel ready to be separated from her just yet.
She hadn't noticed him yet, and he took the opportunity to take a good look at her. She looked at least five years younger than she really was, partly thanks to her long hair that reached her waist. She almost always kept it down, but right now she had it in a ponytail. She was wearing a blouse and jeans, and he knew that the blouse was bought on their last trip to Jamaica together. They had been there for their honeymoon and then returned every three years for anniversaries. This year they would have gone, but Chandler knew that was out of the question. He had even called earlier in the week and cancelled it. He saw that from her ears hung a pair of earrings he had given her once about seven years ago. She had a look of concentration on her face, a look he knew well. Her face was free from makeup.
She looked so familiar to him. He knew her looks in every part of his mind, he knew exactly what each of her features looked like. Yet still it was like looking at a stranger. A stranger he had shared his life with for such a long time, without even knowing that she was a stranger. He had thought he knew her so well, but now he knew better. He didn't have the slightest idea who she was.
Suddenly she looked up and saw him standing there. She recoiled slightly out of the surprise, then looked away. He was confusing her. When he talked he didn't say much good things about her, but right now he was looking at her and he hadn't stopped when she had noticed him.
"Hi there" she mumbled.
"So where are you moving to?" Chandler asked her.
"I.. don't know really" she replied. "I'm probably gonna stay with Joey for a while until I find a place."
Chandler sniffed.
"Well excuse me!" she said, upset. "I have to stay SOMEWHERE, don't I? And Joey's the only one who'd let me stay."
"Yeah, and in exchange for rent all you'd have to do is get a little naked with him."
"Shut up!" she hissed.
"Don't blame me! And besides, don't move out right this minute if you haven't found a place yet. Nobody's holding a gun to your head."
"Stop confusing me" Monica said. She was getting more and more confused. He almost sounded as if he wanted her to stay.
"I'm not" Chandler replied and crossed his arms. "I'm not exactly eager to go to bed together with you for all of my days, but I'm not that cruel and petty Monica that I would kick you out without you having a place to stay."
"I have a place to stay. Joey's" Monica replied.
"Oh why can't you just admit it, huh?" Chandler asked. "You want to stay with him! You know Ross would take you in! So don't try to pretend that--"
"Ross hasn't returned any of my phone calls for two weeks!" Monica interrupted. "Does that give you a hint, Sherlock?"
"Oh give me a break, Mrs. Melodrama! You're not exactly a woman with no friends. Damn it, your phone book is about the size of the novel that your cheesy love story with Joey would be."
"Well in case Mr. Sharpeyed hasn't noticed, I don't exactly have any left that live in New York!"
"And who's fault is that?"
"Damn it Chandler" Monica muttered and closed the suitcase. "I'm not staying with Joey so that I can sleep with him, I'm staying with him because I have no place else to go!"
"Yes, 'cause getting yourself an apartment is absolutely impossible" Chandler sarcastically said.
"Chandler we're not short on money, but I doubt we can afford paying for both an apartment and the house payments."
"Oh don't you worry about that" Chandler said.
"You really want me out that bad, don't you?"
"You're the one who said you were moving out." He sighed and walked a little closer. "You know, this is getting ridiculous. We're starting to act like children. You don't need to move in with Joey ASAP, you might as well stay here until you find an apartment."
"No. I've talked to Joey, he's expecting me this afternoon."
With that she walked past him to go get another suitcase.
*
"Hello?" Joey said, answering the phone.
"You just couldn't let it go, could you?"
"Chandler?"
"No, Albert Einstein" Chandler sarcastically answered.
"I'm assuming this ain't a forgive and forget call…" Joey said with a sigh.
"No, I am as far from forgiving you as I could be" Chandler said. "And don't think I've called you up to make you change my mind."
"You mind telling me what you're calling me for then?" Joey asked.
"You couldn't help yourself, could you?" Chandler asked, getting angrier by the minute. "I never realized you were so damn jealous of me! But apparently, ruining my life wasn't enough for you. Now you want more!"
"Would you stop beating around the bush and just tell me?" Joey asked, getting a headache.
"You didn't settle for it, you don't settle for anything, do you?" Chandler continued. "Not only did you have to see what I see when I'm with my wife at night, not only did you have to touch what I touch, kiss what I kiss, feel what I feel… No, you had to know what it's been like for me these past years to live with her! You had to have the whole damn thing, didn't you? The whole nine yards! What next, you're gonna try and get my kids?"
"Chandler get a GRIP, this is getting RIDICULOUS!" Joey objected.
"Oh shut the hell up! You know, I just can't--"
Joey sighed and hung up. He wasn't interested. Chandler's new bitterness and anger was so strange, and Joey couldn't for his life understand why it was such a crime to give Monica a roof over her head for a while.
He cursed to himself. He had actually been looking forward to her moving in with him for a while. He was angry with her, but he was more than willing to forget right now. He was so terribly lonely, all of his friends took a distance from him now. She was all he had, and he was looking forward to some company. He wasn't used to being all alone without no one to talk to. And he had lost all urge to go pick up women for the night. And either way he was getting too old for that kind of life now.
He had one big problem now. Another reason why he had been eager to have Monica live with him again was that he was still in love with her. He knew she didn't feel it back, she only had eyes for Chandler, but he really didn't mind at this point. All he wanted was to be near her. But the phone call from Chandler had made him wonder. He knew Chandler far better than Chandler would admit, and he knew that Chandler still loved Monica very much and that he didn't want to loose her. Monica thought that everything was over and that it didn't matter what she said or did, but Joey realized it wasn't true. He also realized that Monica moving in with him would hurt her chances to work things out with Chandler. He sighed and lifted the phone.
*
Monica sighed and put her suitcase down to answer the phone. Chandler and the boys were out in the back, she had to answer it herself. She hurried into Chandler's downstairs office and answered.
"Hello?"
"Monica? It's Joey."
"Oh hey Joey. I'm leaving in an hour. If that's what you wanna know."
"Actually Mon… I don't think you should."
"You don't think I should what?"
"Move in with me."
Monica's face fell.
"Are you joking?"
"I wish I was… But I'm not."
"Joey we had a deal!"
"What good can come of it? Nothing at all! Go back to your husband Monica, that's where you belong. And if he doesn't want you then come up with a solution on your own. I've caused enough damage."
Monica hung up a few seconds after he did. Then she burst into tears. Now she had no one. At least before she had had Joey on her side, but now she was all by herself.
She didn't hear Chandler entering. He was surprised to see her in his office, but when he saw her by the phone he guessed what had made her go in there. Then he realized that she was crying.
He came close to walking up to her to offer her support. It had been such a deeply rooted instinct in him for so many years now to always cheer her up and comfort her when she was sad, and it was hard to break at this point. But he stopped himself from walking over to her and instead left his office.
*
"So, you still here?" he said later that evening when she showed up for dinner. He had ordered pizza and she sat down opposite Max, grabbing a slice.
"I am until tomorrow" she said. "I spent the afternoon on the phone, trying to get a place. And I lucked out, for once, and managed to get to sublet an apartment from this guy I work with."
"Guy, huh?"
"Just let it go."
*
Monica had a lump in her throat when she went to bed that night. She was sleeping in the bedroom, sine that was the only place where she had a pillow and a blanket. She had packed down the extra blankets and pillows earlier that day.
Chandler was lying quiet next to her, listening to the radio. He didn't have much to say at this point. There was no point in telling her that although he was so angry with her, he would miss her.
"Have a good nights sleep, Mon" he finally said. "Enjoy your last night in this bed. 'Cause you're never gonna sleep in it again."
"What if we get divorced someday?" Monica asked. "Maybe I get the bed."
"Not likely. Remember how my mother mistrusted you before we got married? She had you sign a prenuptial agreement. You're entitled to nothing."
"I get everything that's mine."
"The bed ain't."
"Never mind!" she angrily said and sighed in annoyment. "The very last time…" she added in a whisper.
Chandler heard her and turned his head to look at her. He would never admit it to anyone, especially not her, but he was devastated at this point. He had loved her for too long, he wasn't ready to be without her just yet. He didn't want her to go. But it had been her decision. Hers and not his. She didn't want their marriage. It was strange, he somehow wanted it though he said he didn't. She, on the other hand, said she wanted it but her actions said something else.
She turned her head and met his eyes. They had so many years gone to bed together and looked each other in the eye like this. They had spent so much time together in this very bed, but now it was all over.
Suddenly she couldn't control herself. She quickly moved her head close to his and kissed him. When she felt that he didn't approve yet didn't disapprove she kissed him a little harder and placed her hand on his cheek. She felt his mouth open and how he let her tongue in his mouth.
Without really knowing how it had happened, Chandler found himself being naked with her, kissing and caressing her body, moving further down her stomach. Her hands were caressing his shoulders and she was moaning quietly.
Monica savoured every second of it. She had never expected him to want to do this with her again, and she was well aware of how good he could make her feel. A thousand thoughts ran through her head, and they all lead to the conclusion that things would be okay again. He sure didn't seem mad at her right now.
Chandler was very well aware of what he was doing and whom with. But it didn't matter to him. After all, she was still his wife, and he loved her. And he didn't want her to go. At least not in this moment. I wasn't until a few minutes later when he had just moved inside of her that the realization hit him. She wasn't his exclusively, she had done this very same thing with Joey. A number of times, and while she was married to him, Chandler. Joey had at one point felt the same physical pleasure she was giving him now. He couldn't make himself move as much as a centimetre, he didn't know what he was feeling.
"Chandler?" Monica asked, confused that he had stopped right away. "Honey is something wrong? Why aren't you moving?"
"I can't do this" he said, and rolled off her.
"Can't what? Talk to me, what's going on?"
"You slept with him Monica. I can't change than and I can't get over it. It's no use. Why are you even here with me? You might as well go to him instead."
Monica sat up and leaned against her knees, wrapping her arms around them. She felt offended and abandoned.
"I just… can't make it work" Chandler said. "It's impossible."
"Sure" she whispered, not knowing if she was serious or sarcastic.
"Monica I've gotta ask…" Chandler said, feeling like he was welling up. "When you were with Joey four years ago, did you have feelings for him? Were you in love?"
"Chand--"
"No, don't say anything!" he interrupted her. "Because on second thought I don't want to know. If you weren't in love with him, if you did it only for the sex, then that's so low and so awful that it tears me apart. And if you did feel something for him, if you were in love with him, then I don't think I can handle that!"
Monica could tell from his voice that he had started to cry. His sob a few seconds later confirmed that thought. She laid back down and looked at him.
"I--"
"Just don't say anything, okay? Either answer would be just as awful. I don't want either one. But I'm glad we sort of had sex tonight."
"You are?"
"I've been wondering if it was right to let you move out. If maybe I should try somehow to get over this. Now I know it's useless, I can't even sleep with you so how could I spend the rest of my life with you?"
Monica didn't reply. She turned her head back to look at the ceiling. Chandler turned his attention back to the radio, that was playing a song from the 20th century.
Day after day
Time pass away
And I just can't get you off my mind
Nobody knows
I hide it inside
I keep on searching, but I can't find
The courage to show
To letting you know
I've never felt so much love before
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out.
But if I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be
Holding you close to me
Will I ever see
You smiling back at me
How will I know?
If I let you go
Night after night
I hear myself say
Why can't this feeling just fade away
There's no one like you
You speak to my heart
It's such a shame we're worlds apart
I'm too shy to ask
I'm too proud to loose
But sooner or later
I've got to choose
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out
But if I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be
Holding you close to me
Will I ever see
You smiling back at me
How will I know
If I let you go
If I let you go
Once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out
But if I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be
Holding you close to me
Will I ever see
You smiling back at me
How will I know
If I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be
Holding you close to me
Will I ever see
You smiling back at me
How will I know
If I let you go
Chandler angrily turned the radio off. He didn't need to listen to songs like that. It raised too many questions in his head.
Was he doing the right thing in letting her go? Or was he just running from his problems, taking the easy way out. On the other hand, he knew that a divorce would in no sense be easy. Not with Lukas and Max in the picture. He didn't want his sons to suffer from a divorce like he had done himself when he was little, and he was determined to keep them safe from that experience. If he divorced Monica he would make sure they got to see both their parents on a regular basis. And he would make sure not to split them up, having one of them live with him and one of them live with Monica.
Monica was still quiet. Her life had been one emotional storm after another the past few weeks, and this day had been the worst one so far. She had argued with Chandler earlier while she had packed, and then she had gotten that phone call from Joey. At that point she hadn't thought her day, or her life, could get any worse. So she had gotten on the phone with people she knew that might be able to help her out with the apartment business, and to her luck a waiter at the restaurant was going away for six months and she could sublet his apartment. And then she and Chandler had first bickered in bed, then started having sex. And now this last comment from Chandler.
She sighed deeply and rolled over on her side. What she wished for more than anything, was that he would roll over and put his arm around her. She desperately wanted him to, though she knew he wouldn't. She was on the brink of tears but she wasn't going to give in to them. She didn't want to give him that satisfaction. This was her last night in this bedroom, in this bed and together with him. She didn't want to give in to him during that last night.
Chandler's tears had stopped falling. He knew what he had said to her five minutes earlier about knowing now that it was for the best that she moved out. But he didn't mean it 100%. He was too unsure to really know what he wanted and what he needed. But one thing was for sure, he would never be able to get the kind of marriage he had once had back.
He realized he was wearing his wrist watch and took it off. He looked at it for a second. She had given it to him for Christmas the same year Max was born, and he had always loved it. And he still did. He wasn't so petty that he thought that everything she had given him was worthless now just because her sense of monogamy was. It was an expensive watch with high quality. But what made him sad now was that he had always thought it was a gift with all her love. But now given the timing, it was more likely a gift with all her guilt. She had given it to him the year she had cheated.
Monica turned and looked at him holding the watch in his hand. She had no idea what he was thinking.
"You really sure?" she asked. "About what you said before?"
"What's done is done Monica" he said. "I can't give you a second chance. Because you had a second chance after the first time you slept with him. You used that second chance when you continued the affair. By now I think you've used about eighteen chances. And I won't give you no more. It's just not worth it."
"You really feel that way, don't you?"
"And the fact that I can't even sleep with you anymore says pretty much" Chandler said. "I wouldn't exactly call it a meant-to-be marriage if the two people aren't even able to have sex without one of them having to stop. When I married you I thought I married a faithful, somewhat conservative woman. Instead you turned out to be a nympho."
"Chandler that's unfair!"
"I thought I struck gold when I found you, I really did!" He looked at her. "But now… The gold turned into sand."
She saw him letting the watch slip from his hand, down on the floor. She understood what he meant by letting it slip from his hand, she knew the song. But unlike him she still had hope that it would get better between them.
"The gold turned into sand" Chandler repeated in a whisper.
Please review and tell me what you think! The next part is the last part, and it's gonna take me a while because it's gonna be longer than the previous parts... Any suggestions you might have for it would be very welcome!