Adultery, Part13
INTRODUCTION: The last part of this series. This part is dedicated to Tracey, my best friend online (love ya'!) and to Ashlee, my second-best friend online (say hello to Mr. P for me ;Þ)!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the "Friends" characters. But nobody thought I did either... And I don't own the song lines referred to in this fic. My wild guess is that they belong to Per Gessle, Jennifer Brown and The Ark (and the nationality is actually a coincidence this time as well), but in reversed order.
Monica heard a knock on her door and rose to open. Chandler entered and walked right past her. He turned and looked at her.
"I'd like to make a deal with you."
*
Chandler had been doing a lot of thinking. But for once he hadn't been thinking about his own life and how it would be now after he'd found out about Monica and Joey. He was thinking about Lukas and Max.
Chandler's own parents were divorced, he knew how it affected children. He had been nine when his parents had divorced, the same age as Lukas was now. He had made a promise to himself that when he someday had children he would never put them through a divorce. This was part of his fear of commitment, he didn't want to end up having children with someone that he didn't end up spending his life with. With Monica he had always been sure that they would stay together forever, in his mind they had the perfect relationship to have children in. Little had he known she was capable of cheating on him.
Now he didn't know what to do. He thought about it back and forth, trying to figure out what to do. Then he got an idea and left to find Monica.
*
Monica looked at him, surprised. He hadn't come to visit her in her new apartment even once, she didn't even know he knew where it was. She had moved out a month ago, and had hardly seen him at all during that month. She stopped by at the house everyday to see the boys, but he usually kept away when she did. And now he was here telling her he wanted to make a deal with her.
"What kind of deal?" she asked.
"I've been doing a lot of thinking" Chandler said. "You know, you have no idea what it's like to have your parents divorce. But I do. I know exactly what it's like, and that means I have to worry about what the decisions you and I make are going to do to Luke and Max. Once again I'm the one who has to take the consequence of your action. Me and the boys."
"Maybe you should just get right to the point" Monica suggested and closed the door behind them.
"I'm getting there" Chandler replied. "At first I thought that I should just tell you to move back in and we would continue our marriage as if nothing ever happened. Save the boys the turmoil of a divorce. But then I realized something. What you've done to me has made me look at you differently. I can't get it out of my head, it's all I ever think about when you are near. If you moved back in and we tried to continue our marriage as if nothing ever happened, we would either be forced to pretend or to work things out."
"Isn't working things out what marriage is all about?" Monica asked.
"You are not the person I thought you were. I don't know if you've ever been. Maybe when we got married you were, but you're not anymore. I want to be with the Monica I married, I love that Monica. That's the Monica who would never cheat on me, and who would always be there for me. But look at you now, you are not that Monica. This woman that you are now, she's not someone I would like to be married to."
"It's your own loss if you're so narrow minded that you can't see past my adultery and realize that in every other way I am the exact same Monica you married" Monica replied.
"It's not just about the physical act, Mon!" Chandler objected. "It's about so much more! You said a while ago that trust is more important than monogamy. And I guess you're right, more than half of a relationship is built on trust. But can you honestly say that monogamy and trust don't go hand in hand? I can't trust you, you had sex with my best friend. More times than I can or want to count. I trusted you to never do anything like that, yet you did. I don't trust you anymore. You've taken away like 75% of what our marriage was built on! What's left is love and passion. And what use do we have of passion when I can't even sleep with you?"
"I think you're wrong" Monica said. "Trust is not what more than half of a relationship is based on. LOVE is what it's based on more than anything!"
"I love you still" Chandler said. "But it doesn't matter now. What am I supposed to do, Mon? You tell me! I can't trust you anymore, I can't have sex with you anymore and I know you're not mine exclusively anymore! I used to have this unlimited love for you, but now it's all of a sudden limited. I love you still, but not as much as I once did."
"Maybe you ought to just tell me what your deal is" Monica said. "You said you came here to make a deal with me."
"Yes" Chandler said. "The point of what I've just been saying is this; we can't work this out between us because too much has been ruined. And if we spend the rest of our lives together and I have to pretend each day that things are a-okay, I would break down. Maybe not on the outside, but I would sure as hell be a lot less happy than I could be! And to be honest, I think that would be worse for our sons than a divorce. Kids are smart Mon, they can tell when things aren't all right between their parents. I don't want to take this to the point where they feel that it's just as good that we split up because things were so awful before we did!"
"So in other words you're here for a divorce" Monica said.
"No" Chandler said. "I'm here for Lukas and Max's sake. I want you to move back to the house. Not to our bedroom, but to the house. So they can at least have both their parents even if the parents aren't together. We can remake one of my offices to a bedroom or something for you. And then we can take our time deciding about our marriage."
"Chandler don't you see that you're just running?" Monica said. "We both know that you're not gonna take me back as your wife. Our marriage is over. Why not end it right now?"
"Then file for divorce if that's what you want" Chandler said. "Just let me know weather or not you'll be moving back."
"I'll be back by the end of the month" Monica said.
Chandler nodded. Then left.
*
"So how are things going now?" Rachel asked two months later, sitting down opposite Chandler at the kitchen table. She put her coffee cup down and leaned a bit forward over the table.
"Let's just call it cease fire" Chandler answered. "Monica's sleeping in my former upstairs office, we have dinner and stuff like that together with the boys, family style. We never talk about our relationship."
"I don't understand why you let her move back in in the first place" Rachel said. "I mean, if Nigel did anything like this to me…"
"I know Rach. But you and Nigel don't have any children. You know as well as I do what it's like when parents divorce and I want to spare my sons of that."
"Chandler. You and I have been friends for so long now, and I know you! She's your Achilles heel. When it comes to Mon you can't really hide your feelings. And I know you're hurting, but something tells me that you let her move back for your own sake as well as for the boys…"
"It's just…" Chandler said, then sighed. "I've lived with her for so long. I'm used to having her around. I don't think I'm ready just yet to not live with her. We've been together for so many years and only one of them did we not live together."
"But it's more than that" Rachel said. "Won't you tell me?"
Chandler sighed.
"I guess I can't deny… that I love her. I do. But the thing is, at the same time I feel so empty! You know? My feelings for her, they're still strong, but it's…"
"It's what?"
"I just can't forgive her. I can't. How could I? She had sex with someone else, and to top it all off it was my best friend, Rachel! It disgusts me!"
"I know" Rachel said. "I feel that way too. I mean, she's been my best friend longer than she's been your wife, but it feels like I never knew her. Because I never thought she was able to cheat on someone she loved with that person's best friend. I just can't get over it. She already had YOU, why did she have to…" Rachel stopped herself. Phoebe had confided in her about her feelings for Joey, but Rachel knew that Phoebe didn't want anyone else to find out.
"She had us all fooled…" Chandler said. "You know, at first I only felt sorry for myself. And I felt VERY sorry for myself. But now I feel sorry for THEM. For the boys. She had no right tearing their family apart."
"Chandler maybe you should be thinking more about yourself than about Max and Lukas" Rachel suggested. "Think about it… If you stay with Monica for their sake only, don't you think you'll end up being miserable? And we both know that you'd be stuck with her for life! I mean look what my parents' divorce did to me, and I was in my late twenties! Lukas and Max will know you're not happy. And that would make them unhappy."
"Rach, in that case they'll be unhappy no matter what I do."
"If divorcing Monica allows you to be happy, then the boys will be happy for you in the end."
"But what if staying married will keep Monica happy, and divorcing will make her miserable? Won't the boys be able to tell that too?"
"Even if, think about yourself first. Your happiness or hers? She's not worth you worrying about her like that. She's not worth you."
"Rach that might be true… But you know something? I care about her no matter what happens. She's my wife, Rachel! I've loved her for so long!"
"When you look at her, what do you feel?" Rachel asked.
"I feel empty" Chandler said.
"Then that's your answer" Rachel said.
"I'm not sure, Rach!" Chandler said. "Because… It's just… I don't feel empty because I've got no emotions for her. I feel empty because…"
"Because?"
"Because I hate her too much to love her… and I love her too much to hate her."
*
Monica hung a mistletoe in the doorframe to the living room. It was early December, but she wanted to have the Christmas decoration taken care of right away. She knew Chandler would complain but she didn't care. She was hoping to be able to avoid him. Lukas, who had turned ten three months earlier, had a week off from school and Chandler's mother had taken him and Max, who was now four, with her to Los Angeles for that week. This was both good and bad for Monica. It was good in the sense that she didn't have to eat dinner with Chandler or do anything else family like with him like she had to do when the boys were home. The bad thing was that when the boys weren't around he could say pretty much anything he wanted to her.
When she had moved back he had avoided her, but gradually he had stopped trying to avoid her. And when he was around her he wasn't nice. Sometimes he said things to her, not out of spite but out of anger. He often accused her of destroying their family and forcing him to put his sons through what he had been through himself when his parents had divorced. Yet he never actually went through with a divorce. But it was as if he was phasing her out, he made sure that whenever Max or Lukas needed some parental help they would come to him and not her. She was starting to feel like a maid or a nanny or something.
She heard him enter together with Bill, and she hoped they would go into his office and discuss their new client. Bill had no idea what was going on between them, Chandler had thought he had enough problems with his own wife, now ex-wife. Monica felt awkward whenever Bill was around, somehow she felt like she had to pretend like everything was normal even though Chandler didn't bother too much to pretend that they were just fine.
Bill and Chandler entered the living room and she saw the look of confusion in Chandler's face.
"Since when do we start with decorations before a week in advance?" he asked.
"I was bored. Thought I might as well. And it's easier to do without Max and Lukas running around, wanting to help out."
"So Santa's little helpers couldn't help out this year?" Bill asked with a smile. "Hi there Monica! How are you?"
"I'm fine thanks. How are you?"
"Oh I'm fine. Although since it's my first Christmas as a divorcee it does feel kind of strange."
Monica gave him a half hearted smile and the two men went into the office. She sighed and hung up another mistletoe. She felt torn. She wasn't really married, yet she wasn't going through a divorce. And she wasn't separated. She was married, living with her husband, yet somehow she was single. And her husband was starting to avoid her again. Not like he had before, but he left every evening and didn't come home until ten or eleven. Sometimes Rachel came and picked him up but mostly he left on his own. She was curious about what he was doing, but she knew it was none of her business anymore.
She sat down on the couch. She was in a constant depression these days, and now that Christmas was coming she felt worse than usual. Every now and then Chandler would say something about loving her still. She knew that he did, but he was having great problems getting past what she had once done to him. She lived for the times when he said that he loved her, but it saddened her that almost every time it was followed by a comment about how she wasn't who he'd thought she was, or a comment about how his love for her now was nowhere near what it had been once.
She still loved him with all her heart. He wasn't being fair to her, but she couldn't blame him. He had his reasons. Sometimes though she thought about leaving him. Sometimes when he had said or done something that had hurt her deeply, she would think about being the one who filed for divorce. But she knew she couldn't. She didn't want to loose him. She knew she already had, but a divorce would make it all final.
She had never expected him to react this way when she told him. She knew he would be hurt, but she had somehow thought that he would let it be water under the bridge. She had believed they could work it out. She knew how crazy he was about her and she had believed that he would be able to forgive her, that somehow she would mean enough to him to make him want to fight for her. But she hadn't realized how much he hated adultery. Both Kathy and Janice had cheated on him and she had been there to see how hard he had taken it. And she'd known how much he'd feared commitment. He had been afraid to commit himself to a woman who would turn out treating him bad or cheating. And Monica had done both. But she wanted him back. She kept hoping he would come around and realize that he was all she wanted.
*
That night Chandler yawned big and walked up the stairs, having closed all the lights downstairs. He was tired after a long day of work and another argument with Monica once Bill had left. He knew he wasn't always being fair to her, but he didn't know what to do with his anger and hurt. He was determined to never take it out on his sons, instead he let Monica take the blow. And she was responsible for it all, so he didn't really feel bad about it. But he did feel pained sometimes when he saw that something he said really hurt her.
The phone rang as he entered the bedroom, and he answered it. It was Lukas, talking excitedly about how grandma Bing had taken them to Disneyland the day before. Chandler felt better when he talked to his older son. He could tell the kids were happy, and it made him happy as well. He was constantly worrying that his and Monica's situation would hurt the boys, but from the sound of it they were having a great time.
After talking with his sons and with his mother he hung up. He rose to go over to Monica's room to tell her that they had called and that they were having a good time. And that they said Hi to her. He wasn't so petty that he would keep her in the dark when it came to their sons. They were just as much her children as his.
He knocked on her door and entered. He frowned when he saw her. She was in bed, curled up with her knees up by her chin and he could see that her cheeks were wet. He sighed to himself and tried not to get annoyed. What was she crying about this time?
Monica heard him enter but didn't bother to open her eyes at first. Her stomach was killing her, it was aching so much that she had nearly past out when it started. After a few seconds she opened her eyes and met his. He was looking annoyed.
"Chandler" she said in a low, pained voice.
"What's wrong?" he asked, frowning deeper. "That was the boys. On the phone. They said hi. They're having a great time."
"Chandler help me please" she said.
"With what? What's going on here?" he asked.
"It's my stomach…"
*
He wasn't there when she woke up. She felt sad about it. She had somehow hoped he would sit by her side until she woke up. She hadn't been in a hospital bed since Max was born and she felt lonely and slightly scared. To her left there was a curtain. She could hear someone cough on the other side. She felt thirsty.
A doctor entered and first spoke with the person on the other side. She couldn't hear much of what he was saying. Then he came over to her to talk to her.
*
After over an hour Chandler entered, sipping from a large glass of orange juice. Monica felt even more thirsty, but she knew she probably wasn't allowed to drink anything.
"Hi" she said, feeling both happy he was there and mad.
"Hey" he said. He put the orange juice down on the nightstand and grabbed a chair. He sat down by the nightstand and looked slightly worried. "How are you feeling?"
"Thirsty. And generally lousy."
"I'm sorry."
"Oh sure you are" she said sarcastically.
"What? Mon I'm serious. Of course I'm sorry, I don't exactly wish you physical harm!"
"I'm in this bed in the first place thanks to you!" she angrily said.
"What?"
"I have a gastric ulcer, and it's thanks to you!"
"You're out of your mind" Chandler said. "Maybe I shouldn't be here."
"Oh you should" Monica said, feeling like she was gonna start crying soon. "Now for once you are gonna listen to me! Ever since the night I told you about me and Joey, you have treated me very bad! I'm not saying I don't deserve some of the things you've said, but the way you've been acting towards me has made me end up here!"
"Monica--"
"No you don't talk, you LISTEN!" Monica said, cutting him off. "I have a few things to say to you, Chandler Bing! I know what I did was wrong! I KNOW! But you have no right to treat me like you have! I've been telling myself that you have the right, but when your behaviour towards me puts me in a hospital then it's too much!"
"Oh for Crissake, it's not like I beat you up and that's why you're here!" Chandler angrily said.
"No, but the psychological pressure you've been putting on me has made me end up here!"
"I've heard enough, I'm leaving!" Chandler said and rose.
"Like hell you are!"
"Oh yes I am!" Chandler said. "I don't feel like taking a stroll down ethics lane with YOU! Who was it that got us in to this whole mess in the first place?"
"Yes I know that it was me! But you sit down and listen to what I have to say!"
Chandler reluctantly sat down again and shot her an evil glare.
"This should be fun" he said.
She made a face at him and felt like throwing his glass of orange juice at him.
"What kind of a woman do you take me for?" she asked instead. "You never shut up about how I'm not the woman you thought I was. Well I have news for you mister, I've been doing so much thinking ever since I told you the truth, and now I know for sure. I may not be the woman you thought I was, but I am not the kind of woman who would cheat on you just because I had nothing better to do! Do you think YOU had nothing to do with this whole thing?"
"Oh so now it's MY fault?" Chandler asked. "Yes, you know what, now that you mention it it's all coming back to me! Yeah, how I stood with a whip and forced you two to do it with each other!" he added sarcastically.
"No the actual act was me. But do you really think I would have cheated if I had been perfectly happy and content with you?"
"Let me get this straight, first you say you've cheated and now you say I'm a bad husband? How about not throwing stones in a glass house?"
"Chandler our sex life back then was downright boring. It was good and all, but you never did anything new with me. I mean I could clock you for crying out loud, first you would kiss me for around five minutes, then start to take my clothes off, then spend three and a half minutes on each breast. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera."
"Oh you're so full of shit!" Chandler objected angrily. "I seem to remember that I tried my best to keep you happy in bed! I suggested fantasies we could live out, new positions! And you were the one who then told me to stop!"
"Chandler by that time it was already too late, Joey and I were already having our affair."
"Be that as it may, if what you just told me was the real reason, you would have ended it with Joey once I started giving you your variety in bed!"
"It wasn't just about that Chandler!" Monica said. "You were working a lot, and when we were together you were loving, sure, but… I really felt like I was being taken for granted. You used to buy me flowers every now and then, but all of a sudden you stopped with that. You used to take me out to dinner at least once a month after we had Lukas but now you stopped with that as well. And I felt like I needed to know that someone else could be turned on by me! That someone else found me attractive and wanted to have sex with me. That I could please someone else in bed."
"And how on earth was I supposed to prevent you from feeling like THAT?" Chandler asked.
"I wouldn't have started feeling like that in the first place if I hadn't felt like I was being taken for granted!"
"Well of COURSE I took you for granted!" Chandler said, getting more annoyed. "You stood in front of a priest and vowed to be mine forever! To forsake all others! At least in my world that meant that you would be only mine and that I wouldn't have to worry about someone else taking you from me! And why JOEY, Monica?"
"Because I needed more than just a one night stand with a stranger! I kept thinking about when you and I had just been FF and how that time of my life had been so much more exciting than it was the year before Max was born! I wanted that thrill again, Chandler! I wanted that thrill and I wanted to get to feel ALIVE again! And as I said, to feel needed, attractive and that I could please someone else than you in bed!"
"These are just petty excuses" Chandler said.
"Well not to me!" Monica objected. "Because I was the one feeling like that!"
"I'm the one feeling like I have ever since I found out the truth about my dear little wifey so don't come crying to me about how mean I've been and how it's all my fault that you're lying in this bed today!" Chandler angrily said.
"Chandler would you just try to LISTEN?" Monica asked in frustration. "Look, I don't even remember now how I ended up in bed with Joey in the first place. But I know that I let it happen because of all those things that I needed. And I let it continue because I wanted that thrill, the one I had had when you and I first started going out. But you know what I found out Chandler?"
"That sometimes your actions come back to haunt you years later and you end up with a gastric ulcer?" Chandler sarcastically said.
"I learned something valuable about you and I! During this whole thing when I was feeling like that, right before I slept with Joey, I started wondering if you and I were meant for each other or if nothing would have ever happened between us if it hadn't been for the London thing and what followed that. And I wondered if it was YOU or if I could have ended up married to some other friend that I'd had a one night stand with and later continued dating."
"And there was good old Joey to the rescue" Chandler sarcastically said.
"Well you wanna know what I realized?" Monica asked. "You and I are unique Chandler. It hadn't just been about the two of us having sex and gradually falling in love. Because if that were the case I would have fallen in love with Joey and I never did. All I wanted was you. It was YOU that made it last in the first place when we got together. If it had been some other guy I would never have ended up married to him. And what I have with you is one of a kind."
"It might have been, until you let Joey experience the same thing as you let me."
"Look Chandler you could have prevented me from sleeping with him! I'm not saying that I blame you for the whole thing, but you started taking me for granted and you started neglecting me sometimes. I don't know why, because once I got pregnant you were just like you'd been in the beginning! All I'm saying is that the cheating was my fault but you're not free of blame either."
Chandler rose to his feet.
"I'm not gonna sit here and listen to you tell me that I was partly to blame for the most disgusting thing that has ever happened in my life." His voice was trembling as he spoke. "I may not have been the most attentive husband for a while but you had all of my love, trust, hopes and my future. You knew that. And you also knew that you could talk to me. There are better solutions than to jump into someone else's bed."
"You say you love me still" Monica said. "Well I love you. As long as we're in love we can make this stick. Yes I slept with him, but you're the one I want. It was over five years ago, Chandler! Five years! Have I been a bad wife since I got pregnant with Max?"
"Yes you have" Chandler said. "Because I had a right to know. You tricked me. You lied to me. You let me live a lie for four years, you let me believe I was in a happy, sane and healthy marriage."
"But you don't have to freak out like you have."
"In situations like this Mon, it takes a fool to remain sane" Chandler replied, quoting The Ark.
"Look, the issue here is simple. We can make our marriage work and you know it. We can work through this. You haven't been doing it right Chandler! The right way is NOT to shut me out and to take out all your anger on me! The right way is to work though this WITH me! You go on and on about trust, but as long as there's love left we can make it! Jennifer Brown once sang that love finds a way when somebody cares enough to hold on."
"Get better" Chandler said, referring to her medical condition, and left.
Monica closed her eyes. She felt too exhausted to cry. She hated it when he just abruptly left like that. He didn't give her a yes or a no, he just took off leaving her to guess. She knew he most likely meant a no, but she couldn't give up on him. She knew what she wanted, and it was him. She was more determined now. She was going to let him know that she was not giving up without a fight. And she was going to do her best to convince him that he needed her by his side to get it straight. And if she failed, she was going to ask him to divorce her.
*
Joey opened the door, surprised to find Chandler on the other side. He'd thought he'd never see him again. What was even more surprising is that he didn't seem angry.
"Hi" Joey said, confused.
"Are you gonna let me in?" Chandler asked.
"Yeah, sure!" Joey said, and let him in. "Why are you here?"
"I just… I don't know…" Chandler said and walked into the living room of the apartment where he had lived until he'd moved in with Monica. "I just saw Monica, she's in the hospital and--"
"Is she gonna be all right?" Joey asked, sounding scared.
"Yeah, nothing life threatening" Chandler said and turned to face his former friend. "I just feel like I have to get closure with all this. It's driving me insane, it's eating me up from the inside! I go to sleep every night and I see and hear you talking about how you love her, and I see and hear her telling me she had an affair with you. And when I dream, I see you two together in bed, having sex. You have no idea what that feels like."
"You're right, I don't" Joey said. "But I have had to deal with the fact that I'm in love with her and she's been making love to you."
"She and I making love was RIGHT. You and her having sex was WRONG."
"Came here to tell me that?" Joey asked.
"No" Chandler said. He sighed deeply and felt like he could start crying. "Do you have any idea how damn much I've missed you?" he asked. "You were my best friend. That's why this all hurts so damn much that sometimes I just wish I was dead! I didn't just loose the woman I don't want to live without, I lost my best fiend in the same second!"
"I never did anything to hurt you, Chandler" Joey said. "You have to believe me. I love you, you're like a brother to me. I know it sounds odd, but it's true! Monica and I had a pact to never let you find out because we didn't want you to go through what you're going through now. And I was furious with her when she decided on her own to tell you."
"Well it sure was better before I found out" Chandler said, looking down on his hands as a tear fell down his cheek. "But at least now it's right. I know what kind of people you are. And I hate myself for it but I don't want to let her go! We still live together, but in separate bedrooms, and the reason I gave her was that it was best for the boys but the truth is that I can't handle loosing her! And it's killing me, I hate myself for it, and so I take it all out on her! I've managed to repress the way I feel, but now it's harder. I don't know if it's the holidays or… I've sort of just felt empty around her, too much love and too much hate collided. I can't hate someone I love so much, but yet I do now, and it's too much for me. So I just feel empty."
"Chandler listen to me…" Joey said. "Monica and I have gotten our punishment. We've had to stand there and see you fall apart because of this. We've lost all our friends. Ross won't talk to me, Rachel doesn't return my calls and Phoebe's too heartbroken, she had this crush on me! I'm all alone Chandler, I have no one! I'm celebrating Christmas here all by myself, when usually I've had all of you with me. And Monica doesn't have it easy either. I know how Rachel and Ross feel about this whole thing, they feel betrayed and god knows what else! They don't talk to her unless they have to. And Phoebe more or less hates her because she seems to think Monica stole me away from her. And if you and Monica still live together she has to face every day what she has done to you. And she has to take the blame for ripping her children's family apart and all of that! Chandler you've got a rough time now but damn it so do we!"
"But Joey you brought this all on yourselves" Chandler said, looking up at him. "But what did I ever do to you? Monica's said a bunch of stuff about how I wasn't fulfilling her needs, but why did YOU do this? What could I possibly have done to you that made me deserve this?"
"You did nothing" Joey said. "I was just too weak to resist…"
"Joey you may love her…" Chandler said, his voice trembling as he started to cry for real. "But you have no idea how deep my love for her goes. She's been the reason I've gotten up in the morning, the reason I've been happy, the reason my life has been good! She has been my soulmate and it's VERY hard to all of a sudden have to do without that."
"Then don't…" Joey said. "The ball is in your court. She loves you. If you give her half a chance she's gonna do anything she can to save your marriage. Trust me Chandler."
Chandler walked over and gave him a loose hug, then he left. Joey watched him go and wondered if he'd ever get to see him again. Chandler had said he missed him, but not as much as Joey missed Chandler.
*
It was New Years Eve. Chandler and Monica had decided to throw a party to avoid the night turning into a sad and bitter event. They wanted their children to have a good time. They had invited five couples they knew, plus their old friends from the gang. Including Joey.
It was two hours left of the year that they would all just like to forget about. Monica had asked Chandler to dance, and he had agreed. The song was Roxette's "Anyone" and in spite of what the song was about there was no tension between them.
Monica rested her head against his shoulder and wondered what the next year would have in stall for them. Would they get back together or would they divorce? Not until afterwards did she realize that she had asked the question out loud.
Chandler was quiet for a second, then he answered her.
"Monica I'm… seeing someone… somebody else."
When he said it Monica didn't want to believe it. She felt the devastation run through her, she felt like her knees would fold under her. Then she realized how logical it all was. He had been away each evening, sometimes coming home real late. Of course he was seeing somebody else.
She couldn't stay in his arms one more second. She broke free and left the living room. She didn't want to seem like she was in a hurry, but once she reached the stairs she started running, covering her mouth with her hand. A few tears fell down her cheeks. She hurried to her bedroom but found a couple she knew making out on her bed, so she turned and hurried toward the bedroom that had been hers and Chandler's. Right outside the bedroom she ran right into Chandler, who had followed her. She pushed him aside and went into the bedroom, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"Monica…" he said, following her inside and shutting the door.
"You couldn't at least have filed for divorce?" she whispered, feeling very hurt. "How could you move on to somebody else and yet keeping me as your wife?"
"I dunno" Chandler said, shrugging his shoulders. He was quiet for a second. "Her name is Maria. I met her through work about two months ago. I don't know if she's a rebound for me but weather or not she is I need it."
Monica nodded and felt more tears fall down her cheeks.
"Monica whatever you are feeling now it is nothing compared to what I feel and have felt ever since I found out about Joey and you."
"I know that" Monica whispered, trying to hold back a sob. "But it hurts anyway."
"I'm not dating Maria to get back at you" Chandler said.
"But you should have told me" Monica said. "It's cruel to let me hope that something might happen between us again when you're already with somebody else!"
"Was it more right of you to let me think our marriage was solid for four years, when YOU had had somebody else?"
"I don't know" Monica sobbed. "Just leave me alone Chandler! Just go! You've got what you've wanted, I'm officially a mess, can't you leave it at that?"
"Like I said a minute ago, I am not dating her to get back at you."
"Can't you just make this pain shorter than it has to be?" Monica asked. "Can't you just file for divorce and it will all be over? I will never stop loving you, but if the only way I can prove that to you is by letting you go then I will. But just so you know, I am going to love you until the day that I die Chandler, even if you don't love me anymore. But just let me love you on my own, don't keep me trapped when you don't want this marriage."
"It's hard to let go" Chandler said. "So many years of my life…"
"It's over when it's over" Monica said. "We just danced to that very line."
"Yeah I know" Chandler said. "But it's still hard to admit it to yourself."
"I didn't want it to be over" Monica said between two sobs. "But Chandler I am begging you, if you don't see a future for our marriage then just let me go! Don't let me nurture false hope anymore. I guess I've finally realized that I've LOST you, and that realization hurts! Let's just get this over with, let's just end our marriage okay?"
"Oh Monica I'm just not sure…" Chandler said with a sigh. "There's a part of me that wants us again. I'm just so unsure…"
"Make up your mind fast" Monica said and did her best to dry her tears. "Or there won't be much left of me to start over again. I feel like I'm dying inside from all of this…"
Chandler nodded. He walked over to her and hugged her.
"Just don't cry anymore, okay?" he whispered.
"I'm sorry" she said, apologizing.
"Monica there's something I want you to know" he whispered. "At this point there's just one thing I feel I know for sure… Whatever I decide to do, divorce or give it another shot, I'm gonna end up regretting it."
"You have to make up your mind" Monica said.
*
They didn't speak again until nearly two hours later. They had just been quiet, each one lost in thoughts. Monica had remained on the side of the bed, Chandler had sat down by the head of the bed.
Monica glanced at the alarm clock.
"Midnight's in just five minutes" she said.
"Yeah" he replied, not really knowing what else to say. He scooted down and sat next to her again.
"So… What's the verdict?" she asked.
"This is not a decision you make in just two hours" Chandler said.
"You've had from the moment you first found out about Joey and me" Monica gently pointed out.
"Like I said earlier Monica. Whatever I decide to do I know I'll regret it."
"I don't know what to think of that."
"Which makes two of us."
"Well then…" Monica said. "I guess it's just a matter of which decision you'd regret more. I can promise you one thing, right here, right now, I am never going to cheat on you again. Not ever. Once I have you again, if I do ever have you again, I'll never want anybody else. You know, I look at you and I still well up with love like I did when we were newlyweds. And I look at Max and Lukas and I love them so much not only because they're my sons but because I see the two of us in them. And Max, he's like a little version of you. He barely looks like me at all. And I have always loved him enormously for that."
"I want to feel like that when I look at you" Chandler said. "But there's something standing in the way. Something you know what it is. Whenever that kind of love comes over me it's always followed by the hurt you're putting me through. I know I said just a few seconds ago that I want to feel that way when I look at you but that's actually a lie. I don't want to feel that love. Not at all. Because I know what a horrible feeling that follows."
"I would do anything if I could take it away" Monica said. "Honest! But I can't. Why can't you just give us a chance Chandler? Give our love a chance! It will probably never be like it's been, but that doesn't mean it can't be good."
"And what about Maria?" Chandler asked.
Monica closed her eyes and turned her head away from him. She didn't want to hear about Maria. But she knew that the words she wanted to hear out of Chandler's mouth would never come. She would never ever get to hear him say that he forgives her.
*
"Where's Chandler?" Ross asked Rachel in the living room.
"I don't know" Rachel answered. "Last time I saw him he was heading upstairs."
"Upstairs?"
"Yeah."
"Oh great!"
"What?"
"I'm pretty sure I saw Monica running upstairs about two hours ago" Ross said. "I sure hope he didn't go after her."
"Come on Ross, why would he?" Rachel pointed out. "No matter how mad we are at her for her lies and deceptions, it's nothing compared to what she did to Chandler!"
"I know… But I also know Chandler. He might try to make things work between them again for their sons' sake."
"Wouldn't that be a good thing?" Rachel asked. "I mean, after all, a divorce is not nice Ross. If they can make it work and spare Lukas and Max I think it's good."
"Well I don't" Ross said. "Look, she's my sister and I kinda' have to love her, but what she did to him was unforgivable. And she'll only make him miserable if they stay together. She's burned her bridges. Chandler won't be able to get over what she did, Rachel. It will just haunt him and drive him crazy. It's better for them to just part now, when they at least on some level still are friends. THAT'S what's best for Lukas and Max."
*
Monica glanced at the clock again. Two minutes till midnight. They had started this year together and now they were most likely going to end it apart. But at least he was there with her. At least she got to see and talk to him.
"This is just such a dead end" Chandler muttered.
"I don't want to hear that no matter what you choose you'll end up being miserable" Monica said, slightly annoyed. "You have two options, no more than that, and you know it. Do whatever you want to do, but make up your mind fast so that I can either go on with my life or work with you on saving our marriage."
"It's not easy, Monica!"
"I know it's not, but don't make it any harder than it has to be!"
"Well it will be hard Mon. That's something we pretty much can't avoid."
"Chandler please…" Monica said, her voice trembling. "I'm begging you, don't drag this out. If it doesn't really matter to your happiness if you stay with me or not then just toss a coin about it or something! Write down your two options on two napkins and then pick one! Do whatever you have to do but please do it soon! And then stick to your decision. Don't tell me you're divorcing me and then change your mind and don't tell me that you want to work on this, on us, and then give up without a fight. Please work on this with me Chandler! Please! Don't you want to know if we could have made it?"
"The fact that we're here tonight in this situation makes me unwilling to find out" Chandler answered. "This relationship has given me the best things I've ever had in life but it has also given me the worst. People are not supposed to feel like this in a marriage."
"Don't give up on me" Monica said.
Chandler sighed deeply. He glanced at the clock. It was less than a minute left. Anytime soon they would start the countdown downstairs. He reached into his pocked and took out a coin.
"Call it" he said. "If what you call comes up, I'm giving us another chance. If not it all ends here."
He heard the countdown starting from downstairs.
"Are you sure you want to do it like this?"
The coir of voices from downstairs had reached six.
"Positive. Now call it."
"Tails" Monica said.
Chandler tossed the coin.
The end. It's finito. Over. No more. Lol. Review and tell me your thoughts. You can also e-mail me if you have any questions or comments (you can find my address by clicking on my name next to the fic in the fic list). Please stay tuned for my next series... :)!
INTRODUCTION: The last part of this series. This part is dedicated to Tracey, my best friend online (love ya'!) and to Ashlee, my second-best friend online (say hello to Mr. P for me ;Þ)!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the "Friends" characters. But nobody thought I did either... And I don't own the song lines referred to in this fic. My wild guess is that they belong to Per Gessle, Jennifer Brown and The Ark (and the nationality is actually a coincidence this time as well), but in reversed order.
Monica heard a knock on her door and rose to open. Chandler entered and walked right past her. He turned and looked at her.
"I'd like to make a deal with you."
*
Chandler had been doing a lot of thinking. But for once he hadn't been thinking about his own life and how it would be now after he'd found out about Monica and Joey. He was thinking about Lukas and Max.
Chandler's own parents were divorced, he knew how it affected children. He had been nine when his parents had divorced, the same age as Lukas was now. He had made a promise to himself that when he someday had children he would never put them through a divorce. This was part of his fear of commitment, he didn't want to end up having children with someone that he didn't end up spending his life with. With Monica he had always been sure that they would stay together forever, in his mind they had the perfect relationship to have children in. Little had he known she was capable of cheating on him.
Now he didn't know what to do. He thought about it back and forth, trying to figure out what to do. Then he got an idea and left to find Monica.
*
Monica looked at him, surprised. He hadn't come to visit her in her new apartment even once, she didn't even know he knew where it was. She had moved out a month ago, and had hardly seen him at all during that month. She stopped by at the house everyday to see the boys, but he usually kept away when she did. And now he was here telling her he wanted to make a deal with her.
"What kind of deal?" she asked.
"I've been doing a lot of thinking" Chandler said. "You know, you have no idea what it's like to have your parents divorce. But I do. I know exactly what it's like, and that means I have to worry about what the decisions you and I make are going to do to Luke and Max. Once again I'm the one who has to take the consequence of your action. Me and the boys."
"Maybe you should just get right to the point" Monica suggested and closed the door behind them.
"I'm getting there" Chandler replied. "At first I thought that I should just tell you to move back in and we would continue our marriage as if nothing ever happened. Save the boys the turmoil of a divorce. But then I realized something. What you've done to me has made me look at you differently. I can't get it out of my head, it's all I ever think about when you are near. If you moved back in and we tried to continue our marriage as if nothing ever happened, we would either be forced to pretend or to work things out."
"Isn't working things out what marriage is all about?" Monica asked.
"You are not the person I thought you were. I don't know if you've ever been. Maybe when we got married you were, but you're not anymore. I want to be with the Monica I married, I love that Monica. That's the Monica who would never cheat on me, and who would always be there for me. But look at you now, you are not that Monica. This woman that you are now, she's not someone I would like to be married to."
"It's your own loss if you're so narrow minded that you can't see past my adultery and realize that in every other way I am the exact same Monica you married" Monica replied.
"It's not just about the physical act, Mon!" Chandler objected. "It's about so much more! You said a while ago that trust is more important than monogamy. And I guess you're right, more than half of a relationship is built on trust. But can you honestly say that monogamy and trust don't go hand in hand? I can't trust you, you had sex with my best friend. More times than I can or want to count. I trusted you to never do anything like that, yet you did. I don't trust you anymore. You've taken away like 75% of what our marriage was built on! What's left is love and passion. And what use do we have of passion when I can't even sleep with you?"
"I think you're wrong" Monica said. "Trust is not what more than half of a relationship is based on. LOVE is what it's based on more than anything!"
"I love you still" Chandler said. "But it doesn't matter now. What am I supposed to do, Mon? You tell me! I can't trust you anymore, I can't have sex with you anymore and I know you're not mine exclusively anymore! I used to have this unlimited love for you, but now it's all of a sudden limited. I love you still, but not as much as I once did."
"Maybe you ought to just tell me what your deal is" Monica said. "You said you came here to make a deal with me."
"Yes" Chandler said. "The point of what I've just been saying is this; we can't work this out between us because too much has been ruined. And if we spend the rest of our lives together and I have to pretend each day that things are a-okay, I would break down. Maybe not on the outside, but I would sure as hell be a lot less happy than I could be! And to be honest, I think that would be worse for our sons than a divorce. Kids are smart Mon, they can tell when things aren't all right between their parents. I don't want to take this to the point where they feel that it's just as good that we split up because things were so awful before we did!"
"So in other words you're here for a divorce" Monica said.
"No" Chandler said. "I'm here for Lukas and Max's sake. I want you to move back to the house. Not to our bedroom, but to the house. So they can at least have both their parents even if the parents aren't together. We can remake one of my offices to a bedroom or something for you. And then we can take our time deciding about our marriage."
"Chandler don't you see that you're just running?" Monica said. "We both know that you're not gonna take me back as your wife. Our marriage is over. Why not end it right now?"
"Then file for divorce if that's what you want" Chandler said. "Just let me know weather or not you'll be moving back."
"I'll be back by the end of the month" Monica said.
Chandler nodded. Then left.
*
"So how are things going now?" Rachel asked two months later, sitting down opposite Chandler at the kitchen table. She put her coffee cup down and leaned a bit forward over the table.
"Let's just call it cease fire" Chandler answered. "Monica's sleeping in my former upstairs office, we have dinner and stuff like that together with the boys, family style. We never talk about our relationship."
"I don't understand why you let her move back in in the first place" Rachel said. "I mean, if Nigel did anything like this to me…"
"I know Rach. But you and Nigel don't have any children. You know as well as I do what it's like when parents divorce and I want to spare my sons of that."
"Chandler. You and I have been friends for so long now, and I know you! She's your Achilles heel. When it comes to Mon you can't really hide your feelings. And I know you're hurting, but something tells me that you let her move back for your own sake as well as for the boys…"
"It's just…" Chandler said, then sighed. "I've lived with her for so long. I'm used to having her around. I don't think I'm ready just yet to not live with her. We've been together for so many years and only one of them did we not live together."
"But it's more than that" Rachel said. "Won't you tell me?"
Chandler sighed.
"I guess I can't deny… that I love her. I do. But the thing is, at the same time I feel so empty! You know? My feelings for her, they're still strong, but it's…"
"It's what?"
"I just can't forgive her. I can't. How could I? She had sex with someone else, and to top it all off it was my best friend, Rachel! It disgusts me!"
"I know" Rachel said. "I feel that way too. I mean, she's been my best friend longer than she's been your wife, but it feels like I never knew her. Because I never thought she was able to cheat on someone she loved with that person's best friend. I just can't get over it. She already had YOU, why did she have to…" Rachel stopped herself. Phoebe had confided in her about her feelings for Joey, but Rachel knew that Phoebe didn't want anyone else to find out.
"She had us all fooled…" Chandler said. "You know, at first I only felt sorry for myself. And I felt VERY sorry for myself. But now I feel sorry for THEM. For the boys. She had no right tearing their family apart."
"Chandler maybe you should be thinking more about yourself than about Max and Lukas" Rachel suggested. "Think about it… If you stay with Monica for their sake only, don't you think you'll end up being miserable? And we both know that you'd be stuck with her for life! I mean look what my parents' divorce did to me, and I was in my late twenties! Lukas and Max will know you're not happy. And that would make them unhappy."
"Rach, in that case they'll be unhappy no matter what I do."
"If divorcing Monica allows you to be happy, then the boys will be happy for you in the end."
"But what if staying married will keep Monica happy, and divorcing will make her miserable? Won't the boys be able to tell that too?"
"Even if, think about yourself first. Your happiness or hers? She's not worth you worrying about her like that. She's not worth you."
"Rach that might be true… But you know something? I care about her no matter what happens. She's my wife, Rachel! I've loved her for so long!"
"When you look at her, what do you feel?" Rachel asked.
"I feel empty" Chandler said.
"Then that's your answer" Rachel said.
"I'm not sure, Rach!" Chandler said. "Because… It's just… I don't feel empty because I've got no emotions for her. I feel empty because…"
"Because?"
"Because I hate her too much to love her… and I love her too much to hate her."
*
Monica hung a mistletoe in the doorframe to the living room. It was early December, but she wanted to have the Christmas decoration taken care of right away. She knew Chandler would complain but she didn't care. She was hoping to be able to avoid him. Lukas, who had turned ten three months earlier, had a week off from school and Chandler's mother had taken him and Max, who was now four, with her to Los Angeles for that week. This was both good and bad for Monica. It was good in the sense that she didn't have to eat dinner with Chandler or do anything else family like with him like she had to do when the boys were home. The bad thing was that when the boys weren't around he could say pretty much anything he wanted to her.
When she had moved back he had avoided her, but gradually he had stopped trying to avoid her. And when he was around her he wasn't nice. Sometimes he said things to her, not out of spite but out of anger. He often accused her of destroying their family and forcing him to put his sons through what he had been through himself when his parents had divorced. Yet he never actually went through with a divorce. But it was as if he was phasing her out, he made sure that whenever Max or Lukas needed some parental help they would come to him and not her. She was starting to feel like a maid or a nanny or something.
She heard him enter together with Bill, and she hoped they would go into his office and discuss their new client. Bill had no idea what was going on between them, Chandler had thought he had enough problems with his own wife, now ex-wife. Monica felt awkward whenever Bill was around, somehow she felt like she had to pretend like everything was normal even though Chandler didn't bother too much to pretend that they were just fine.
Bill and Chandler entered the living room and she saw the look of confusion in Chandler's face.
"Since when do we start with decorations before a week in advance?" he asked.
"I was bored. Thought I might as well. And it's easier to do without Max and Lukas running around, wanting to help out."
"So Santa's little helpers couldn't help out this year?" Bill asked with a smile. "Hi there Monica! How are you?"
"I'm fine thanks. How are you?"
"Oh I'm fine. Although since it's my first Christmas as a divorcee it does feel kind of strange."
Monica gave him a half hearted smile and the two men went into the office. She sighed and hung up another mistletoe. She felt torn. She wasn't really married, yet she wasn't going through a divorce. And she wasn't separated. She was married, living with her husband, yet somehow she was single. And her husband was starting to avoid her again. Not like he had before, but he left every evening and didn't come home until ten or eleven. Sometimes Rachel came and picked him up but mostly he left on his own. She was curious about what he was doing, but she knew it was none of her business anymore.
She sat down on the couch. She was in a constant depression these days, and now that Christmas was coming she felt worse than usual. Every now and then Chandler would say something about loving her still. She knew that he did, but he was having great problems getting past what she had once done to him. She lived for the times when he said that he loved her, but it saddened her that almost every time it was followed by a comment about how she wasn't who he'd thought she was, or a comment about how his love for her now was nowhere near what it had been once.
She still loved him with all her heart. He wasn't being fair to her, but she couldn't blame him. He had his reasons. Sometimes though she thought about leaving him. Sometimes when he had said or done something that had hurt her deeply, she would think about being the one who filed for divorce. But she knew she couldn't. She didn't want to loose him. She knew she already had, but a divorce would make it all final.
She had never expected him to react this way when she told him. She knew he would be hurt, but she had somehow thought that he would let it be water under the bridge. She had believed they could work it out. She knew how crazy he was about her and she had believed that he would be able to forgive her, that somehow she would mean enough to him to make him want to fight for her. But she hadn't realized how much he hated adultery. Both Kathy and Janice had cheated on him and she had been there to see how hard he had taken it. And she'd known how much he'd feared commitment. He had been afraid to commit himself to a woman who would turn out treating him bad or cheating. And Monica had done both. But she wanted him back. She kept hoping he would come around and realize that he was all she wanted.
*
That night Chandler yawned big and walked up the stairs, having closed all the lights downstairs. He was tired after a long day of work and another argument with Monica once Bill had left. He knew he wasn't always being fair to her, but he didn't know what to do with his anger and hurt. He was determined to never take it out on his sons, instead he let Monica take the blow. And she was responsible for it all, so he didn't really feel bad about it. But he did feel pained sometimes when he saw that something he said really hurt her.
The phone rang as he entered the bedroom, and he answered it. It was Lukas, talking excitedly about how grandma Bing had taken them to Disneyland the day before. Chandler felt better when he talked to his older son. He could tell the kids were happy, and it made him happy as well. He was constantly worrying that his and Monica's situation would hurt the boys, but from the sound of it they were having a great time.
After talking with his sons and with his mother he hung up. He rose to go over to Monica's room to tell her that they had called and that they were having a good time. And that they said Hi to her. He wasn't so petty that he would keep her in the dark when it came to their sons. They were just as much her children as his.
He knocked on her door and entered. He frowned when he saw her. She was in bed, curled up with her knees up by her chin and he could see that her cheeks were wet. He sighed to himself and tried not to get annoyed. What was she crying about this time?
Monica heard him enter but didn't bother to open her eyes at first. Her stomach was killing her, it was aching so much that she had nearly past out when it started. After a few seconds she opened her eyes and met his. He was looking annoyed.
"Chandler" she said in a low, pained voice.
"What's wrong?" he asked, frowning deeper. "That was the boys. On the phone. They said hi. They're having a great time."
"Chandler help me please" she said.
"With what? What's going on here?" he asked.
"It's my stomach…"
*
He wasn't there when she woke up. She felt sad about it. She had somehow hoped he would sit by her side until she woke up. She hadn't been in a hospital bed since Max was born and she felt lonely and slightly scared. To her left there was a curtain. She could hear someone cough on the other side. She felt thirsty.
A doctor entered and first spoke with the person on the other side. She couldn't hear much of what he was saying. Then he came over to her to talk to her.
*
After over an hour Chandler entered, sipping from a large glass of orange juice. Monica felt even more thirsty, but she knew she probably wasn't allowed to drink anything.
"Hi" she said, feeling both happy he was there and mad.
"Hey" he said. He put the orange juice down on the nightstand and grabbed a chair. He sat down by the nightstand and looked slightly worried. "How are you feeling?"
"Thirsty. And generally lousy."
"I'm sorry."
"Oh sure you are" she said sarcastically.
"What? Mon I'm serious. Of course I'm sorry, I don't exactly wish you physical harm!"
"I'm in this bed in the first place thanks to you!" she angrily said.
"What?"
"I have a gastric ulcer, and it's thanks to you!"
"You're out of your mind" Chandler said. "Maybe I shouldn't be here."
"Oh you should" Monica said, feeling like she was gonna start crying soon. "Now for once you are gonna listen to me! Ever since the night I told you about me and Joey, you have treated me very bad! I'm not saying I don't deserve some of the things you've said, but the way you've been acting towards me has made me end up here!"
"Monica--"
"No you don't talk, you LISTEN!" Monica said, cutting him off. "I have a few things to say to you, Chandler Bing! I know what I did was wrong! I KNOW! But you have no right to treat me like you have! I've been telling myself that you have the right, but when your behaviour towards me puts me in a hospital then it's too much!"
"Oh for Crissake, it's not like I beat you up and that's why you're here!" Chandler angrily said.
"No, but the psychological pressure you've been putting on me has made me end up here!"
"I've heard enough, I'm leaving!" Chandler said and rose.
"Like hell you are!"
"Oh yes I am!" Chandler said. "I don't feel like taking a stroll down ethics lane with YOU! Who was it that got us in to this whole mess in the first place?"
"Yes I know that it was me! But you sit down and listen to what I have to say!"
Chandler reluctantly sat down again and shot her an evil glare.
"This should be fun" he said.
She made a face at him and felt like throwing his glass of orange juice at him.
"What kind of a woman do you take me for?" she asked instead. "You never shut up about how I'm not the woman you thought I was. Well I have news for you mister, I've been doing so much thinking ever since I told you the truth, and now I know for sure. I may not be the woman you thought I was, but I am not the kind of woman who would cheat on you just because I had nothing better to do! Do you think YOU had nothing to do with this whole thing?"
"Oh so now it's MY fault?" Chandler asked. "Yes, you know what, now that you mention it it's all coming back to me! Yeah, how I stood with a whip and forced you two to do it with each other!" he added sarcastically.
"No the actual act was me. But do you really think I would have cheated if I had been perfectly happy and content with you?"
"Let me get this straight, first you say you've cheated and now you say I'm a bad husband? How about not throwing stones in a glass house?"
"Chandler our sex life back then was downright boring. It was good and all, but you never did anything new with me. I mean I could clock you for crying out loud, first you would kiss me for around five minutes, then start to take my clothes off, then spend three and a half minutes on each breast. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera."
"Oh you're so full of shit!" Chandler objected angrily. "I seem to remember that I tried my best to keep you happy in bed! I suggested fantasies we could live out, new positions! And you were the one who then told me to stop!"
"Chandler by that time it was already too late, Joey and I were already having our affair."
"Be that as it may, if what you just told me was the real reason, you would have ended it with Joey once I started giving you your variety in bed!"
"It wasn't just about that Chandler!" Monica said. "You were working a lot, and when we were together you were loving, sure, but… I really felt like I was being taken for granted. You used to buy me flowers every now and then, but all of a sudden you stopped with that. You used to take me out to dinner at least once a month after we had Lukas but now you stopped with that as well. And I felt like I needed to know that someone else could be turned on by me! That someone else found me attractive and wanted to have sex with me. That I could please someone else in bed."
"And how on earth was I supposed to prevent you from feeling like THAT?" Chandler asked.
"I wouldn't have started feeling like that in the first place if I hadn't felt like I was being taken for granted!"
"Well of COURSE I took you for granted!" Chandler said, getting more annoyed. "You stood in front of a priest and vowed to be mine forever! To forsake all others! At least in my world that meant that you would be only mine and that I wouldn't have to worry about someone else taking you from me! And why JOEY, Monica?"
"Because I needed more than just a one night stand with a stranger! I kept thinking about when you and I had just been FF and how that time of my life had been so much more exciting than it was the year before Max was born! I wanted that thrill again, Chandler! I wanted that thrill and I wanted to get to feel ALIVE again! And as I said, to feel needed, attractive and that I could please someone else than you in bed!"
"These are just petty excuses" Chandler said.
"Well not to me!" Monica objected. "Because I was the one feeling like that!"
"I'm the one feeling like I have ever since I found out the truth about my dear little wifey so don't come crying to me about how mean I've been and how it's all my fault that you're lying in this bed today!" Chandler angrily said.
"Chandler would you just try to LISTEN?" Monica asked in frustration. "Look, I don't even remember now how I ended up in bed with Joey in the first place. But I know that I let it happen because of all those things that I needed. And I let it continue because I wanted that thrill, the one I had had when you and I first started going out. But you know what I found out Chandler?"
"That sometimes your actions come back to haunt you years later and you end up with a gastric ulcer?" Chandler sarcastically said.
"I learned something valuable about you and I! During this whole thing when I was feeling like that, right before I slept with Joey, I started wondering if you and I were meant for each other or if nothing would have ever happened between us if it hadn't been for the London thing and what followed that. And I wondered if it was YOU or if I could have ended up married to some other friend that I'd had a one night stand with and later continued dating."
"And there was good old Joey to the rescue" Chandler sarcastically said.
"Well you wanna know what I realized?" Monica asked. "You and I are unique Chandler. It hadn't just been about the two of us having sex and gradually falling in love. Because if that were the case I would have fallen in love with Joey and I never did. All I wanted was you. It was YOU that made it last in the first place when we got together. If it had been some other guy I would never have ended up married to him. And what I have with you is one of a kind."
"It might have been, until you let Joey experience the same thing as you let me."
"Look Chandler you could have prevented me from sleeping with him! I'm not saying that I blame you for the whole thing, but you started taking me for granted and you started neglecting me sometimes. I don't know why, because once I got pregnant you were just like you'd been in the beginning! All I'm saying is that the cheating was my fault but you're not free of blame either."
Chandler rose to his feet.
"I'm not gonna sit here and listen to you tell me that I was partly to blame for the most disgusting thing that has ever happened in my life." His voice was trembling as he spoke. "I may not have been the most attentive husband for a while but you had all of my love, trust, hopes and my future. You knew that. And you also knew that you could talk to me. There are better solutions than to jump into someone else's bed."
"You say you love me still" Monica said. "Well I love you. As long as we're in love we can make this stick. Yes I slept with him, but you're the one I want. It was over five years ago, Chandler! Five years! Have I been a bad wife since I got pregnant with Max?"
"Yes you have" Chandler said. "Because I had a right to know. You tricked me. You lied to me. You let me live a lie for four years, you let me believe I was in a happy, sane and healthy marriage."
"But you don't have to freak out like you have."
"In situations like this Mon, it takes a fool to remain sane" Chandler replied, quoting The Ark.
"Look, the issue here is simple. We can make our marriage work and you know it. We can work through this. You haven't been doing it right Chandler! The right way is NOT to shut me out and to take out all your anger on me! The right way is to work though this WITH me! You go on and on about trust, but as long as there's love left we can make it! Jennifer Brown once sang that love finds a way when somebody cares enough to hold on."
"Get better" Chandler said, referring to her medical condition, and left.
Monica closed her eyes. She felt too exhausted to cry. She hated it when he just abruptly left like that. He didn't give her a yes or a no, he just took off leaving her to guess. She knew he most likely meant a no, but she couldn't give up on him. She knew what she wanted, and it was him. She was more determined now. She was going to let him know that she was not giving up without a fight. And she was going to do her best to convince him that he needed her by his side to get it straight. And if she failed, she was going to ask him to divorce her.
*
Joey opened the door, surprised to find Chandler on the other side. He'd thought he'd never see him again. What was even more surprising is that he didn't seem angry.
"Hi" Joey said, confused.
"Are you gonna let me in?" Chandler asked.
"Yeah, sure!" Joey said, and let him in. "Why are you here?"
"I just… I don't know…" Chandler said and walked into the living room of the apartment where he had lived until he'd moved in with Monica. "I just saw Monica, she's in the hospital and--"
"Is she gonna be all right?" Joey asked, sounding scared.
"Yeah, nothing life threatening" Chandler said and turned to face his former friend. "I just feel like I have to get closure with all this. It's driving me insane, it's eating me up from the inside! I go to sleep every night and I see and hear you talking about how you love her, and I see and hear her telling me she had an affair with you. And when I dream, I see you two together in bed, having sex. You have no idea what that feels like."
"You're right, I don't" Joey said. "But I have had to deal with the fact that I'm in love with her and she's been making love to you."
"She and I making love was RIGHT. You and her having sex was WRONG."
"Came here to tell me that?" Joey asked.
"No" Chandler said. He sighed deeply and felt like he could start crying. "Do you have any idea how damn much I've missed you?" he asked. "You were my best friend. That's why this all hurts so damn much that sometimes I just wish I was dead! I didn't just loose the woman I don't want to live without, I lost my best fiend in the same second!"
"I never did anything to hurt you, Chandler" Joey said. "You have to believe me. I love you, you're like a brother to me. I know it sounds odd, but it's true! Monica and I had a pact to never let you find out because we didn't want you to go through what you're going through now. And I was furious with her when she decided on her own to tell you."
"Well it sure was better before I found out" Chandler said, looking down on his hands as a tear fell down his cheek. "But at least now it's right. I know what kind of people you are. And I hate myself for it but I don't want to let her go! We still live together, but in separate bedrooms, and the reason I gave her was that it was best for the boys but the truth is that I can't handle loosing her! And it's killing me, I hate myself for it, and so I take it all out on her! I've managed to repress the way I feel, but now it's harder. I don't know if it's the holidays or… I've sort of just felt empty around her, too much love and too much hate collided. I can't hate someone I love so much, but yet I do now, and it's too much for me. So I just feel empty."
"Chandler listen to me…" Joey said. "Monica and I have gotten our punishment. We've had to stand there and see you fall apart because of this. We've lost all our friends. Ross won't talk to me, Rachel doesn't return my calls and Phoebe's too heartbroken, she had this crush on me! I'm all alone Chandler, I have no one! I'm celebrating Christmas here all by myself, when usually I've had all of you with me. And Monica doesn't have it easy either. I know how Rachel and Ross feel about this whole thing, they feel betrayed and god knows what else! They don't talk to her unless they have to. And Phoebe more or less hates her because she seems to think Monica stole me away from her. And if you and Monica still live together she has to face every day what she has done to you. And she has to take the blame for ripping her children's family apart and all of that! Chandler you've got a rough time now but damn it so do we!"
"But Joey you brought this all on yourselves" Chandler said, looking up at him. "But what did I ever do to you? Monica's said a bunch of stuff about how I wasn't fulfilling her needs, but why did YOU do this? What could I possibly have done to you that made me deserve this?"
"You did nothing" Joey said. "I was just too weak to resist…"
"Joey you may love her…" Chandler said, his voice trembling as he started to cry for real. "But you have no idea how deep my love for her goes. She's been the reason I've gotten up in the morning, the reason I've been happy, the reason my life has been good! She has been my soulmate and it's VERY hard to all of a sudden have to do without that."
"Then don't…" Joey said. "The ball is in your court. She loves you. If you give her half a chance she's gonna do anything she can to save your marriage. Trust me Chandler."
Chandler walked over and gave him a loose hug, then he left. Joey watched him go and wondered if he'd ever get to see him again. Chandler had said he missed him, but not as much as Joey missed Chandler.
*
It was New Years Eve. Chandler and Monica had decided to throw a party to avoid the night turning into a sad and bitter event. They wanted their children to have a good time. They had invited five couples they knew, plus their old friends from the gang. Including Joey.
It was two hours left of the year that they would all just like to forget about. Monica had asked Chandler to dance, and he had agreed. The song was Roxette's "Anyone" and in spite of what the song was about there was no tension between them.
Monica rested her head against his shoulder and wondered what the next year would have in stall for them. Would they get back together or would they divorce? Not until afterwards did she realize that she had asked the question out loud.
Chandler was quiet for a second, then he answered her.
"Monica I'm… seeing someone… somebody else."
When he said it Monica didn't want to believe it. She felt the devastation run through her, she felt like her knees would fold under her. Then she realized how logical it all was. He had been away each evening, sometimes coming home real late. Of course he was seeing somebody else.
She couldn't stay in his arms one more second. She broke free and left the living room. She didn't want to seem like she was in a hurry, but once she reached the stairs she started running, covering her mouth with her hand. A few tears fell down her cheeks. She hurried to her bedroom but found a couple she knew making out on her bed, so she turned and hurried toward the bedroom that had been hers and Chandler's. Right outside the bedroom she ran right into Chandler, who had followed her. She pushed him aside and went into the bedroom, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"Monica…" he said, following her inside and shutting the door.
"You couldn't at least have filed for divorce?" she whispered, feeling very hurt. "How could you move on to somebody else and yet keeping me as your wife?"
"I dunno" Chandler said, shrugging his shoulders. He was quiet for a second. "Her name is Maria. I met her through work about two months ago. I don't know if she's a rebound for me but weather or not she is I need it."
Monica nodded and felt more tears fall down her cheeks.
"Monica whatever you are feeling now it is nothing compared to what I feel and have felt ever since I found out about Joey and you."
"I know that" Monica whispered, trying to hold back a sob. "But it hurts anyway."
"I'm not dating Maria to get back at you" Chandler said.
"But you should have told me" Monica said. "It's cruel to let me hope that something might happen between us again when you're already with somebody else!"
"Was it more right of you to let me think our marriage was solid for four years, when YOU had had somebody else?"
"I don't know" Monica sobbed. "Just leave me alone Chandler! Just go! You've got what you've wanted, I'm officially a mess, can't you leave it at that?"
"Like I said a minute ago, I am not dating her to get back at you."
"Can't you just make this pain shorter than it has to be?" Monica asked. "Can't you just file for divorce and it will all be over? I will never stop loving you, but if the only way I can prove that to you is by letting you go then I will. But just so you know, I am going to love you until the day that I die Chandler, even if you don't love me anymore. But just let me love you on my own, don't keep me trapped when you don't want this marriage."
"It's hard to let go" Chandler said. "So many years of my life…"
"It's over when it's over" Monica said. "We just danced to that very line."
"Yeah I know" Chandler said. "But it's still hard to admit it to yourself."
"I didn't want it to be over" Monica said between two sobs. "But Chandler I am begging you, if you don't see a future for our marriage then just let me go! Don't let me nurture false hope anymore. I guess I've finally realized that I've LOST you, and that realization hurts! Let's just get this over with, let's just end our marriage okay?"
"Oh Monica I'm just not sure…" Chandler said with a sigh. "There's a part of me that wants us again. I'm just so unsure…"
"Make up your mind fast" Monica said and did her best to dry her tears. "Or there won't be much left of me to start over again. I feel like I'm dying inside from all of this…"
Chandler nodded. He walked over to her and hugged her.
"Just don't cry anymore, okay?" he whispered.
"I'm sorry" she said, apologizing.
"Monica there's something I want you to know" he whispered. "At this point there's just one thing I feel I know for sure… Whatever I decide to do, divorce or give it another shot, I'm gonna end up regretting it."
"You have to make up your mind" Monica said.
*
They didn't speak again until nearly two hours later. They had just been quiet, each one lost in thoughts. Monica had remained on the side of the bed, Chandler had sat down by the head of the bed.
Monica glanced at the alarm clock.
"Midnight's in just five minutes" she said.
"Yeah" he replied, not really knowing what else to say. He scooted down and sat next to her again.
"So… What's the verdict?" she asked.
"This is not a decision you make in just two hours" Chandler said.
"You've had from the moment you first found out about Joey and me" Monica gently pointed out.
"Like I said earlier Monica. Whatever I decide to do I know I'll regret it."
"I don't know what to think of that."
"Which makes two of us."
"Well then…" Monica said. "I guess it's just a matter of which decision you'd regret more. I can promise you one thing, right here, right now, I am never going to cheat on you again. Not ever. Once I have you again, if I do ever have you again, I'll never want anybody else. You know, I look at you and I still well up with love like I did when we were newlyweds. And I look at Max and Lukas and I love them so much not only because they're my sons but because I see the two of us in them. And Max, he's like a little version of you. He barely looks like me at all. And I have always loved him enormously for that."
"I want to feel like that when I look at you" Chandler said. "But there's something standing in the way. Something you know what it is. Whenever that kind of love comes over me it's always followed by the hurt you're putting me through. I know I said just a few seconds ago that I want to feel that way when I look at you but that's actually a lie. I don't want to feel that love. Not at all. Because I know what a horrible feeling that follows."
"I would do anything if I could take it away" Monica said. "Honest! But I can't. Why can't you just give us a chance Chandler? Give our love a chance! It will probably never be like it's been, but that doesn't mean it can't be good."
"And what about Maria?" Chandler asked.
Monica closed her eyes and turned her head away from him. She didn't want to hear about Maria. But she knew that the words she wanted to hear out of Chandler's mouth would never come. She would never ever get to hear him say that he forgives her.
*
"Where's Chandler?" Ross asked Rachel in the living room.
"I don't know" Rachel answered. "Last time I saw him he was heading upstairs."
"Upstairs?"
"Yeah."
"Oh great!"
"What?"
"I'm pretty sure I saw Monica running upstairs about two hours ago" Ross said. "I sure hope he didn't go after her."
"Come on Ross, why would he?" Rachel pointed out. "No matter how mad we are at her for her lies and deceptions, it's nothing compared to what she did to Chandler!"
"I know… But I also know Chandler. He might try to make things work between them again for their sons' sake."
"Wouldn't that be a good thing?" Rachel asked. "I mean, after all, a divorce is not nice Ross. If they can make it work and spare Lukas and Max I think it's good."
"Well I don't" Ross said. "Look, she's my sister and I kinda' have to love her, but what she did to him was unforgivable. And she'll only make him miserable if they stay together. She's burned her bridges. Chandler won't be able to get over what she did, Rachel. It will just haunt him and drive him crazy. It's better for them to just part now, when they at least on some level still are friends. THAT'S what's best for Lukas and Max."
*
Monica glanced at the clock again. Two minutes till midnight. They had started this year together and now they were most likely going to end it apart. But at least he was there with her. At least she got to see and talk to him.
"This is just such a dead end" Chandler muttered.
"I don't want to hear that no matter what you choose you'll end up being miserable" Monica said, slightly annoyed. "You have two options, no more than that, and you know it. Do whatever you want to do, but make up your mind fast so that I can either go on with my life or work with you on saving our marriage."
"It's not easy, Monica!"
"I know it's not, but don't make it any harder than it has to be!"
"Well it will be hard Mon. That's something we pretty much can't avoid."
"Chandler please…" Monica said, her voice trembling. "I'm begging you, don't drag this out. If it doesn't really matter to your happiness if you stay with me or not then just toss a coin about it or something! Write down your two options on two napkins and then pick one! Do whatever you have to do but please do it soon! And then stick to your decision. Don't tell me you're divorcing me and then change your mind and don't tell me that you want to work on this, on us, and then give up without a fight. Please work on this with me Chandler! Please! Don't you want to know if we could have made it?"
"The fact that we're here tonight in this situation makes me unwilling to find out" Chandler answered. "This relationship has given me the best things I've ever had in life but it has also given me the worst. People are not supposed to feel like this in a marriage."
"Don't give up on me" Monica said.
Chandler sighed deeply. He glanced at the clock. It was less than a minute left. Anytime soon they would start the countdown downstairs. He reached into his pocked and took out a coin.
"Call it" he said. "If what you call comes up, I'm giving us another chance. If not it all ends here."
He heard the countdown starting from downstairs.
"Are you sure you want to do it like this?"
The coir of voices from downstairs had reached six.
"Positive. Now call it."
"Tails" Monica said.
Chandler tossed the coin.
The end. It's finito. Over. No more. Lol. Review and tell me your thoughts. You can also e-mail me if you have any questions or comments (you can find my address by clicking on my name next to the fic in the fic list). Please stay tuned for my next series... :)!