Chapter Three: Fighting, Writers,and the Son of God.
"YOU IDIOT!" Harry said. "You took the wrong part of the Interstate!"
"Well, EXCUUUUSEEEE MEEEE!" Tom yelled out. "Besides, what's the problem? We're heading north instead of west. Big Whoop..."
"I'm sorry, man, but this is going to cost you. Too many of these mistakes, I'm going to have to throw you to the monsters...."
"Okay, okay." The two drove a skosh more. "I think you're going to need to fill up the tank."
"What, and risk fighting a monster? Eh, okay...Hold up...We may not have to after all..."
"Why do I have to do this?"
"Well, we wouldn't be heading this way if not for you, so..." Tom got on his knees and headed for the gas cap. "Okay, Hose...?" Harry passed him a hose. "Hose."
"Nearby car...?" Harry pointed to a nearby, deserted car. "Nearby car."
"Altoid?" Harry took out a small tin from his coat pocket. "Altoid."
"Commence sucking..." Tom took the hose and began to siphon gas from the deserted vehicle. Eventually, he recieved enough to fill the tank of his own car up. "EXCELLENT!" The two headed back in their car and began to drive. "So, what's the goal here?" Harry asked.
"I dunno. Try to find other survivors, I guess..."
"Why? How many survivors should there be? You know, to repopulate the Earth?" Harry asked.
"According to math I've seen, assuming there's 60 people of equal sexes, they repopulate without contraception, those kids marry, eventually the world will be repopulated?"
"What about bare minimum?"
"One guy, one girl, absolutely no sexual mores."
"And in our situation?"
"Test tubes, jackoff magazines, and cutting fertile women open to get the eggs."
"I see. So, we should look for more women, right?"
"Of course. I don't think looks or personality matter; we're golden..." Suddenly, the two were jumped by a strange looking guy in a trenchcoat with a large katana blade "WHO ARE YOU TWO?," the man yelled out.
"Hold up, this is last resort..." Harry replied... "Hello, there, female of our species. Would you like to make love to me so that our species will repopulate?" The man sliced Harry's ear off. "Now I'm not pretty anymore! Waaah!"
"Dude, this is a dude, " Tom replied. "Dude, dude." The guy went over to Harry. "DUDE!"
"Well, what's your M.O.?" Harry asked.
"Name's Jeremy." The guy shook Tom's hand.
"What's up? I'm Tom, this is my comic relief sidekick Harry."
"Do...you...greet...all...new...people...by...cutting their ears...off?"
"Well, only those guys who ask me to have their babies..."
"Okay, then. Good to know."
"Well, who are you with?"
"Basically, we're just kicking it, trying to repopulate the world." Tom replied.
"I see. Where are you trying next?"
"Well, we were going towards New York to grill Jesus, but this WHORE stopped us from going that way..." Harry fumed.
"I said I was sorry! What more do you want?"
"I'm just venting here."
"Well, let's go. This place is way too screwed up as it is..." The three got into the car and headed off.
"So, do you know how to get to New York from here?" Harry asked.
"Hold up, let's just stop for directions..." Jeremy replied. "There's a fast food joint/gas station right there..."
"Um, Jeremy, you might be interested to know something...." Suddenly, a herd of Bite Bugs headed out towards them. "Gas stations, fast food joints, crawling with monsters." Tom replied. The three got out their weapons as they tried to work it. Tom proceeded to take out a sledgehammer and crack the head of one of the bugs open, Harry beat one into submission, and Jeremy sliced the last into two evenly cut pieces.
"I doubt we can get directions in here, but..." Tom asked. "I'll take the gift shop, you two raid the kitchen of this place. Now!" The three headed to their areas. Tom stole all the road maps he could carry. He then jumped over the barrier and got to the kitchen. "Take all of the 'meat patties' you can get your hands on, quickly!" They did exactly that and ran back to the car.
"Why do we need these?"
"Duh? You're good at flinging stuff, right? Toss these out when you see a lot of monsters, they'll be distracted from us!"
"What? We can't eat it ourselves?" Jeremy asked.
"Well, fast food IS unfit for human consumption anyways..." Tom replied.The three continued driving. Eventually, they hit Times Square.
"Where would Jesus stay in a town like this, anyways?" the three asked. Suddenly, they saw a bolt of light beating up monsters who tried to touch it.
"Um, Jesus Christ, I presume?" Harry asked.
"WHAT? WHO IS IT? I'LL KICK YOUR MONSTER ASS!"
"Um, no one, it's just some humans...." Tom replied.
"Oh, hey, so, you survived? Good for you. What would you like to know?"
"Basically, we're attempting to unite the survivors in the world so that we can repopulate the Earth..." Jeremy replied.
"Okay. Well, I'm not sure about that, but I can probably help you make it habitable for humans..."
"How?" Harry asked.
"KILL ALL THESE FRICKING MONSTERS!"
"Okay. But, how did they all get here?"Jeremy asked.
"Oh, this is a story. Basically, there's a few things you need to know. First off, monsters are all aliens. These aliens are all from different planets and moons. They'd each invade the next closest one, have a short war, but eventually join forces and invade the next planet. Now, they're up to Earth."
"But why?" Tom asked.
"They're under the control of the Sorceress Darthania, a former God turned evil, evil bitch. She got one of those old prophets, Jeremiah or something like that, under control as her 'knight' or something, and just went apeshit. She called out a whole bunch of old-school gods, and just tried to take over Heaven. We kicked her ass and tried to banish her to Hell, but she did the same thing down there. We just tried to cast her to the farthest reaches of space after that. Now, she's back, and she's pissed." Jesus replied.
"Excuse me, other gods?" Jeremy asked.
"Yeah. All those old religions had some nugget of truth. You're only a god if someone worships you. As a result, she got these old gods, renamed them God Freaks or something like that, and went to town. Now, they're her minions."
"But if these are gods, how do we stop them?" Harry asked.
"Well, two of the weakest of these "GF's" switched allegiance during the battle. Once this happened, we had their number. We then released them and tried to tame them as best we could. Here, I'll call them and pass them to you for help..." Jesus spread his hands towards the sky. Instantly, two GF's came tumbling down. "I give you, Wesliy and Wiezie, the Chicken Cow and the Vampire Bird!" The two GF's headed toward the three.
"Thanks, man. What else do we need to do to beat them up?" Tom asked.
"Well, there's an integral part of the Sorceress's Matrix that was dropped. If you find that, you'll get a bit more power towards your side. The last whereabouts I found it was in Illinois. Head there, you'll have a much easier time to fight these things." Jesus left, yelling:
"If you need any more help, JUST ASK FOR IT...."
"Let me guess. We're going to look for that piece, aren't we?" Harry asked.
"What, you had something better to do? Everyone's dead but us! Let's just have some fun!" Tom said.
"Excellent!" Jeremy replied. The three got back in and started to drive.
"YOU IDIOT!" Harry said. "You took the wrong part of the Interstate!"
"Well, EXCUUUUSEEEE MEEEE!" Tom yelled out. "Besides, what's the problem? We're heading north instead of west. Big Whoop..."
"I'm sorry, man, but this is going to cost you. Too many of these mistakes, I'm going to have to throw you to the monsters...."
"Okay, okay." The two drove a skosh more. "I think you're going to need to fill up the tank."
"What, and risk fighting a monster? Eh, okay...Hold up...We may not have to after all..."
"Why do I have to do this?"
"Well, we wouldn't be heading this way if not for you, so..." Tom got on his knees and headed for the gas cap. "Okay, Hose...?" Harry passed him a hose. "Hose."
"Nearby car...?" Harry pointed to a nearby, deserted car. "Nearby car."
"Altoid?" Harry took out a small tin from his coat pocket. "Altoid."
"Commence sucking..." Tom took the hose and began to siphon gas from the deserted vehicle. Eventually, he recieved enough to fill the tank of his own car up. "EXCELLENT!" The two headed back in their car and began to drive. "So, what's the goal here?" Harry asked.
"I dunno. Try to find other survivors, I guess..."
"Why? How many survivors should there be? You know, to repopulate the Earth?" Harry asked.
"According to math I've seen, assuming there's 60 people of equal sexes, they repopulate without contraception, those kids marry, eventually the world will be repopulated?"
"What about bare minimum?"
"One guy, one girl, absolutely no sexual mores."
"And in our situation?"
"Test tubes, jackoff magazines, and cutting fertile women open to get the eggs."
"I see. So, we should look for more women, right?"
"Of course. I don't think looks or personality matter; we're golden..." Suddenly, the two were jumped by a strange looking guy in a trenchcoat with a large katana blade "WHO ARE YOU TWO?," the man yelled out.
"Hold up, this is last resort..." Harry replied... "Hello, there, female of our species. Would you like to make love to me so that our species will repopulate?" The man sliced Harry's ear off. "Now I'm not pretty anymore! Waaah!"
"Dude, this is a dude, " Tom replied. "Dude, dude." The guy went over to Harry. "DUDE!"
"Well, what's your M.O.?" Harry asked.
"Name's Jeremy." The guy shook Tom's hand.
"What's up? I'm Tom, this is my comic relief sidekick Harry."
"Do...you...greet...all...new...people...by...cutting their ears...off?"
"Well, only those guys who ask me to have their babies..."
"Okay, then. Good to know."
"Well, who are you with?"
"Basically, we're just kicking it, trying to repopulate the world." Tom replied.
"I see. Where are you trying next?"
"Well, we were going towards New York to grill Jesus, but this WHORE stopped us from going that way..." Harry fumed.
"I said I was sorry! What more do you want?"
"I'm just venting here."
"Well, let's go. This place is way too screwed up as it is..." The three got into the car and headed off.
"So, do you know how to get to New York from here?" Harry asked.
"Hold up, let's just stop for directions..." Jeremy replied. "There's a fast food joint/gas station right there..."
"Um, Jeremy, you might be interested to know something...." Suddenly, a herd of Bite Bugs headed out towards them. "Gas stations, fast food joints, crawling with monsters." Tom replied. The three got out their weapons as they tried to work it. Tom proceeded to take out a sledgehammer and crack the head of one of the bugs open, Harry beat one into submission, and Jeremy sliced the last into two evenly cut pieces.
"I doubt we can get directions in here, but..." Tom asked. "I'll take the gift shop, you two raid the kitchen of this place. Now!" The three headed to their areas. Tom stole all the road maps he could carry. He then jumped over the barrier and got to the kitchen. "Take all of the 'meat patties' you can get your hands on, quickly!" They did exactly that and ran back to the car.
"Why do we need these?"
"Duh? You're good at flinging stuff, right? Toss these out when you see a lot of monsters, they'll be distracted from us!"
"What? We can't eat it ourselves?" Jeremy asked.
"Well, fast food IS unfit for human consumption anyways..." Tom replied.The three continued driving. Eventually, they hit Times Square.
"Where would Jesus stay in a town like this, anyways?" the three asked. Suddenly, they saw a bolt of light beating up monsters who tried to touch it.
"Um, Jesus Christ, I presume?" Harry asked.
"WHAT? WHO IS IT? I'LL KICK YOUR MONSTER ASS!"
"Um, no one, it's just some humans...." Tom replied.
"Oh, hey, so, you survived? Good for you. What would you like to know?"
"Basically, we're attempting to unite the survivors in the world so that we can repopulate the Earth..." Jeremy replied.
"Okay. Well, I'm not sure about that, but I can probably help you make it habitable for humans..."
"How?" Harry asked.
"KILL ALL THESE FRICKING MONSTERS!"
"Okay. But, how did they all get here?"Jeremy asked.
"Oh, this is a story. Basically, there's a few things you need to know. First off, monsters are all aliens. These aliens are all from different planets and moons. They'd each invade the next closest one, have a short war, but eventually join forces and invade the next planet. Now, they're up to Earth."
"But why?" Tom asked.
"They're under the control of the Sorceress Darthania, a former God turned evil, evil bitch. She got one of those old prophets, Jeremiah or something like that, under control as her 'knight' or something, and just went apeshit. She called out a whole bunch of old-school gods, and just tried to take over Heaven. We kicked her ass and tried to banish her to Hell, but she did the same thing down there. We just tried to cast her to the farthest reaches of space after that. Now, she's back, and she's pissed." Jesus replied.
"Excuse me, other gods?" Jeremy asked.
"Yeah. All those old religions had some nugget of truth. You're only a god if someone worships you. As a result, she got these old gods, renamed them God Freaks or something like that, and went to town. Now, they're her minions."
"But if these are gods, how do we stop them?" Harry asked.
"Well, two of the weakest of these "GF's" switched allegiance during the battle. Once this happened, we had their number. We then released them and tried to tame them as best we could. Here, I'll call them and pass them to you for help..." Jesus spread his hands towards the sky. Instantly, two GF's came tumbling down. "I give you, Wesliy and Wiezie, the Chicken Cow and the Vampire Bird!" The two GF's headed toward the three.
"Thanks, man. What else do we need to do to beat them up?" Tom asked.
"Well, there's an integral part of the Sorceress's Matrix that was dropped. If you find that, you'll get a bit more power towards your side. The last whereabouts I found it was in Illinois. Head there, you'll have a much easier time to fight these things." Jesus left, yelling:
"If you need any more help, JUST ASK FOR IT...."
"Let me guess. We're going to look for that piece, aren't we?" Harry asked.
"What, you had something better to do? Everyone's dead but us! Let's just have some fun!" Tom said.
"Excellent!" Jeremy replied. The three got back in and started to drive.