Chapter 4: SEIFER isn't going to be the WWF Hardcore champion...
"Out of gas again! Why can't car companies involve gas mileage for 'Post-Apocalyptic World?'" Tom asked.
"Don't worry. Just siphon a bit here, get up to that gas station, we'll be fine," Harry replied. Tom did that, and they drove to the station.
"Um, dude, if we had to siphon anyways, why not just continue?"
"Duh, we need a chance to wildly try out our new GF's, man!" Jeremy replied. They quickly saw a random deer being chased by two Toramas.
"Ready..." the three shouted.
"NOW!" Harry let loose with the Chicken Cow. It proceeded to fly over to the three animals and stab all of them in their dorsal region, leaving them as ice sculptures.
"SWEET!" The three replied. "Let's go inside for this!"
"Hello, welcome! May I help you?" the clerk said.
"I think you can..." Jeremy replied. "HELP A LOT!" He let loose with the Vampire Bird. The Vampire Bird proceeded to suck the life out of the clerk and spray it onto the three, revitalizing them.
"Um, dude, I think that was a human..." Harry said.
"He might have been, he might not have been. But what is certain is this. He helped us test out our GF, and now there's more of the surviving women for us." Jeremy replied.
"I see. You sacrificed yourself for good cause, noble merchant. Now let's raid this fucking place..." The three stocked up on whatever they thought they'd need, filled up, and zoomed away.
18 hours later...
"tee hee hee...I am Selphie...Am I not so pretty? All the boys want me because I'm so pretty..." Tom started to say.
"Um, Tom? Maybe one of us should drive while you get some sleep?" Harry said.
"Tom? Sorry, the messenger is not important...only I am! Do you think I'm pretty?"
"Please let us get to this Sorceress's Matrix thingy before he kills us all..."Jeremy replied.
"But that would be the work of a bad driver! This is MY car! No chance!" "Selphie" said as he crashed into a stuck Yugo. "Like you...?" they asked in unison.
"What happened? Tee hee, I'm fine..."
"What'll we do now?" Harry asked.
"I think we both know...." Jeremy pointed Harry towards a nearby Hummer. "IT's on the road, the keys are still inside..."
"The only owner's dead, no monsters are here..." Harry replied...
"Tom's delirious and apparently thinks he's a character in a video game..." The two thought it out...
"BONUS!" They quickly moved all of their stuff into the Hummer. Harry stood sentry and flung meat patties all around the other side of the Interstate, then had the Chicken Cow mow down the standing monsters. Finally, Jeremy took Tom and put him in the backseat.
"But the front seat is the comfy seat!" the delirious Tom replied.
"Don't worry. You did your part for now. Sleep..." Tom slept as Jeremy took the wheel and headed like a madman for Illinois.
"Whoa...." They replied as they stepped out of the car.
"Would you take a look at this place? Must've been the epicenter of the problems..." Jeremy said.
"Nope, this is the ghetto of Chicago. There's no damage here..." Harry replied.
"Well, where would that Sorceress's Matrix be?" Tom asked.
"I don't know. Why don't you ask 'Selphie'?" The two chimed in.
"For the last time, YOU TRY BEING ON ALL 8 CYLINDERS AFTER THAT MUCH DRIVING WITHOUT SLEEP!" Tom shouted.
"Well, does anyone know a way to get to the magic thingamabob from here?" Harry asked."How about we call a cab?" Jeremy asked. "They're bound to know..."
"Um, dude...Cab drivers are dead...." Harry asked.
"Don't worry. I have a plan..." Jeremy and Tom walked until they found three Imps. Tom hit them with his sledgehammer, knocking them out while Jeremy took his katana blade and skinned them. "Three skins, at your service..."
"These don't look convincing to be monstrosities, man. We'll need something more monstrous...." Harry said.
"Well, let's see. Monstrous...Is there an Old Navy near here?" Tom asked.
"I don't know. Let's get in." Tom and Jeremy headed into the cab, while Harry followed in the Hummer.
"MoombaMoombaMoomba?" the driver asked.
"Where's the Sorceress's Matrix?" Tom asked.
"Moombamoomba?"
"No, we wouldn't like to take that route..."
"Dude, you can understand that?" Jeremy asked.
"No, I can't. I mean, why'd he want to take us the route by Wrigley? At this time of day, it'd be killer..." Tom said. The cab started driving. Eventually, they hit the Sorceress's Matrix.
The three stepped out of their respective vehicles. "Um, here's your money..."
"MoombamoombaTWOmeaslybuckstip?Moombamoomba..." The driver sped away.
"Okay,that's done. Now, WHAT is this?" they stared.
"Apparently, we've made it." Tom said.
"Eh, it's boring. Who's up for the nearest mall?" Harry asked.
"NO." They stared in wonder. Suddenly, a youngish woman came jumping out from behind the Matrix.
"Is it the Sorceress?" They asked as they cowered in fear.
"HIYIYIYIYIYIYI... *OUCH*...YI," the girl screamed.
"Well, probably not the Sorceress. I mean, come on. The sorceress would have much better aim..." Jeremy replied.
"YOU MONSTERS AREN'T GETTING ME! I'M TOUGH, I'M POWERFUL, I'M A FRICKING SORCERESS AS LONG AS I'M HERE!" the girl shouted.
"Um, chill. We're not monsters..." They took off their skins. "HARRY! WHAT THE HELL?"
"Well, it was tight, and going commando makes me feel nice..." Harry replied.
"Go back to the car and GET SOME PANTS ON!" the two guys shouted.
"Let me guess. Other survivors?" the girl asked.
"Yep. You?" the two replied.
"Yep."
"Okay. Party. Why are you here?" Tom asked.
"Live here. All of a sudden, this thing happened to drop near my house. I survived that whole Lunar Cry mess, I felt it was mine. I touched some stuff I found to it, and all of a sudden..." the girl pulled out some claws. "Unfortunately, I'm not as good with them as I'd thought I'd be..." She put her sleeves up to reveal some slice marks.
"Don't worry. You're a teenage girl, no one will notice any difference. Just pretend to be sullen and it'll all be better..." Jeremy replied.
"Awesome. By the by, my name's Maryi. Nice to meet you..." The girl put her hand out to shake, but neither did.
"I'm Tom. This is Jeremy. He's some dude we picked up off the road for kicks. The guy without pants is Harry. I'd shake, but those claws..."
"Oh, sorry." Maryi put her claws back in. "Now, what did you come here for? Post-apocalyptic Chicago is just like any other...post-apocalyptic city..."
"Well, what's with...That?" Jeremy asked.
"Nothing, really. Just that it can create magic, but that's normal..."
"AWESOME!" Jeremy proceeded to stick his Katana blade into the Matrix. Instantly, it came out looking much cooler and slightly more powerful than before. "I LIKE THIS THING..."
"Ooh, can I try?" Harry proceeded to throw a meat patty onto the Matrix. A hungry dog came by and ate the patty, then headed over to him. "What's up, G?" the dog replied.
"Awesome...I've got my own little 'God Freak'!"
"Cool, what'll you name it?" Maryi asked.
"I think I'll call it...Peanut."
"Aw! That's a sweet name! Why?"
"Well, because, as we all know, Dogs will lick peanut butter off of anything..." Harry's voice deepened about two octaves. "...ANYTHING." Maryi turned her head in disgust.
"Idiot! You don't do that to possibly the last surviving female of the species!"
"Sorry!" Harry told Peanut to stay, threw another piece of meat on the Matrix, and watched it become a form of discus.
"Awesome..."
"Now, it's my turn..." Tom tried to hit it with his sledgehammer, but it cracked the Matrix (and his sledgehammer) in two. "DAMMIT! What do I use?" Tom asked.
"Well, let's see..." Maryi put a stone on one of the pieces. "It still works, only now we can carry it. Do you have a good weapon?"
"Um, no..." Tom asked. Suddenly, his stockpile of CD's came downwards. "Yeah, but those are...You wouldn't..."
"CD Player?" Jeremy asked.
"CHECK!"
"CD'S?" Maryi asked.
"CHECK!"
"Tom tied up with player and CD's in hand?" Harry asked.
"CHECK, okay?" Tom replied. They put the Matrix's second part on his CD player and dropped the CD's on each one. Instantly, the CD player became a sort of miniature staff while the CD's became various forms of Blue, White, Red and Black magicks.
"AWESOME! Mine only did some white magic, but THAT?" Maryi exclaimed.
"Well, I always knew I had eclectic taste..." Tom replied.
"I figured. This guy...owns...LFO...." Harry said.
"Shut up! I got it...while drunk and high...for my girlfriend...who died in the Cry...while not having had lost her virginity at 14 to a 24 year old man!" Tom replied.
"BITCH!" Harry said as he tried to throw his Discus at him. Tom proceeded to counter with a form of Laser out of his eyes. "SWEET!" Tom said.
"Awesome...Let's see. I have claws, you have optic beams...If I know my X-Men correctly, you're going to have to be my rival now, right?" Maryi asked.
"I don't think so...Let's go now. You should probably come with us now, we need a good 'chick with claws' on our roster..." Jeremy replied. Maryi jumped in. Tom took the wheel and they headed away.
Suddenly, in England, the Sorceress was angered.
"THEY'VE GOT MY MAGICK MAKER! NO! I'll Get those people..." Darthania screamed. "Jeremiah, GET THEM!" Darthania proceeded to take her full power and targeted the ground. Instantly, they seperated Scotland from the rest of the area and sent it towards the United States. "This will teach them..."
"Out of gas again! Why can't car companies involve gas mileage for 'Post-Apocalyptic World?'" Tom asked.
"Don't worry. Just siphon a bit here, get up to that gas station, we'll be fine," Harry replied. Tom did that, and they drove to the station.
"Um, dude, if we had to siphon anyways, why not just continue?"
"Duh, we need a chance to wildly try out our new GF's, man!" Jeremy replied. They quickly saw a random deer being chased by two Toramas.
"Ready..." the three shouted.
"NOW!" Harry let loose with the Chicken Cow. It proceeded to fly over to the three animals and stab all of them in their dorsal region, leaving them as ice sculptures.
"SWEET!" The three replied. "Let's go inside for this!"
"Hello, welcome! May I help you?" the clerk said.
"I think you can..." Jeremy replied. "HELP A LOT!" He let loose with the Vampire Bird. The Vampire Bird proceeded to suck the life out of the clerk and spray it onto the three, revitalizing them.
"Um, dude, I think that was a human..." Harry said.
"He might have been, he might not have been. But what is certain is this. He helped us test out our GF, and now there's more of the surviving women for us." Jeremy replied.
"I see. You sacrificed yourself for good cause, noble merchant. Now let's raid this fucking place..." The three stocked up on whatever they thought they'd need, filled up, and zoomed away.
18 hours later...
"tee hee hee...I am Selphie...Am I not so pretty? All the boys want me because I'm so pretty..." Tom started to say.
"Um, Tom? Maybe one of us should drive while you get some sleep?" Harry said.
"Tom? Sorry, the messenger is not important...only I am! Do you think I'm pretty?"
"Please let us get to this Sorceress's Matrix thingy before he kills us all..."Jeremy replied.
"But that would be the work of a bad driver! This is MY car! No chance!" "Selphie" said as he crashed into a stuck Yugo. "Like you...?" they asked in unison.
"What happened? Tee hee, I'm fine..."
"What'll we do now?" Harry asked.
"I think we both know...." Jeremy pointed Harry towards a nearby Hummer. "IT's on the road, the keys are still inside..."
"The only owner's dead, no monsters are here..." Harry replied...
"Tom's delirious and apparently thinks he's a character in a video game..." The two thought it out...
"BONUS!" They quickly moved all of their stuff into the Hummer. Harry stood sentry and flung meat patties all around the other side of the Interstate, then had the Chicken Cow mow down the standing monsters. Finally, Jeremy took Tom and put him in the backseat.
"But the front seat is the comfy seat!" the delirious Tom replied.
"Don't worry. You did your part for now. Sleep..." Tom slept as Jeremy took the wheel and headed like a madman for Illinois.
"Whoa...." They replied as they stepped out of the car.
"Would you take a look at this place? Must've been the epicenter of the problems..." Jeremy said.
"Nope, this is the ghetto of Chicago. There's no damage here..." Harry replied.
"Well, where would that Sorceress's Matrix be?" Tom asked.
"I don't know. Why don't you ask 'Selphie'?" The two chimed in.
"For the last time, YOU TRY BEING ON ALL 8 CYLINDERS AFTER THAT MUCH DRIVING WITHOUT SLEEP!" Tom shouted.
"Well, does anyone know a way to get to the magic thingamabob from here?" Harry asked."How about we call a cab?" Jeremy asked. "They're bound to know..."
"Um, dude...Cab drivers are dead...." Harry asked.
"Don't worry. I have a plan..." Jeremy and Tom walked until they found three Imps. Tom hit them with his sledgehammer, knocking them out while Jeremy took his katana blade and skinned them. "Three skins, at your service..."
"These don't look convincing to be monstrosities, man. We'll need something more monstrous...." Harry said.
"Well, let's see. Monstrous...Is there an Old Navy near here?" Tom asked.
"I don't know. Let's get in." Tom and Jeremy headed into the cab, while Harry followed in the Hummer.
"MoombaMoombaMoomba?" the driver asked.
"Where's the Sorceress's Matrix?" Tom asked.
"Moombamoomba?"
"No, we wouldn't like to take that route..."
"Dude, you can understand that?" Jeremy asked.
"No, I can't. I mean, why'd he want to take us the route by Wrigley? At this time of day, it'd be killer..." Tom said. The cab started driving. Eventually, they hit the Sorceress's Matrix.
The three stepped out of their respective vehicles. "Um, here's your money..."
"MoombamoombaTWOmeaslybuckstip?Moombamoomba..." The driver sped away.
"Okay,that's done. Now, WHAT is this?" they stared.
"Apparently, we've made it." Tom said.
"Eh, it's boring. Who's up for the nearest mall?" Harry asked.
"NO." They stared in wonder. Suddenly, a youngish woman came jumping out from behind the Matrix.
"Is it the Sorceress?" They asked as they cowered in fear.
"HIYIYIYIYIYIYI... *OUCH*...YI," the girl screamed.
"Well, probably not the Sorceress. I mean, come on. The sorceress would have much better aim..." Jeremy replied.
"YOU MONSTERS AREN'T GETTING ME! I'M TOUGH, I'M POWERFUL, I'M A FRICKING SORCERESS AS LONG AS I'M HERE!" the girl shouted.
"Um, chill. We're not monsters..." They took off their skins. "HARRY! WHAT THE HELL?"
"Well, it was tight, and going commando makes me feel nice..." Harry replied.
"Go back to the car and GET SOME PANTS ON!" the two guys shouted.
"Let me guess. Other survivors?" the girl asked.
"Yep. You?" the two replied.
"Yep."
"Okay. Party. Why are you here?" Tom asked.
"Live here. All of a sudden, this thing happened to drop near my house. I survived that whole Lunar Cry mess, I felt it was mine. I touched some stuff I found to it, and all of a sudden..." the girl pulled out some claws. "Unfortunately, I'm not as good with them as I'd thought I'd be..." She put her sleeves up to reveal some slice marks.
"Don't worry. You're a teenage girl, no one will notice any difference. Just pretend to be sullen and it'll all be better..." Jeremy replied.
"Awesome. By the by, my name's Maryi. Nice to meet you..." The girl put her hand out to shake, but neither did.
"I'm Tom. This is Jeremy. He's some dude we picked up off the road for kicks. The guy without pants is Harry. I'd shake, but those claws..."
"Oh, sorry." Maryi put her claws back in. "Now, what did you come here for? Post-apocalyptic Chicago is just like any other...post-apocalyptic city..."
"Well, what's with...That?" Jeremy asked.
"Nothing, really. Just that it can create magic, but that's normal..."
"AWESOME!" Jeremy proceeded to stick his Katana blade into the Matrix. Instantly, it came out looking much cooler and slightly more powerful than before. "I LIKE THIS THING..."
"Ooh, can I try?" Harry proceeded to throw a meat patty onto the Matrix. A hungry dog came by and ate the patty, then headed over to him. "What's up, G?" the dog replied.
"Awesome...I've got my own little 'God Freak'!"
"Cool, what'll you name it?" Maryi asked.
"I think I'll call it...Peanut."
"Aw! That's a sweet name! Why?"
"Well, because, as we all know, Dogs will lick peanut butter off of anything..." Harry's voice deepened about two octaves. "...ANYTHING." Maryi turned her head in disgust.
"Idiot! You don't do that to possibly the last surviving female of the species!"
"Sorry!" Harry told Peanut to stay, threw another piece of meat on the Matrix, and watched it become a form of discus.
"Awesome..."
"Now, it's my turn..." Tom tried to hit it with his sledgehammer, but it cracked the Matrix (and his sledgehammer) in two. "DAMMIT! What do I use?" Tom asked.
"Well, let's see..." Maryi put a stone on one of the pieces. "It still works, only now we can carry it. Do you have a good weapon?"
"Um, no..." Tom asked. Suddenly, his stockpile of CD's came downwards. "Yeah, but those are...You wouldn't..."
"CD Player?" Jeremy asked.
"CHECK!"
"CD'S?" Maryi asked.
"CHECK!"
"Tom tied up with player and CD's in hand?" Harry asked.
"CHECK, okay?" Tom replied. They put the Matrix's second part on his CD player and dropped the CD's on each one. Instantly, the CD player became a sort of miniature staff while the CD's became various forms of Blue, White, Red and Black magicks.
"AWESOME! Mine only did some white magic, but THAT?" Maryi exclaimed.
"Well, I always knew I had eclectic taste..." Tom replied.
"I figured. This guy...owns...LFO...." Harry said.
"Shut up! I got it...while drunk and high...for my girlfriend...who died in the Cry...while not having had lost her virginity at 14 to a 24 year old man!" Tom replied.
"BITCH!" Harry said as he tried to throw his Discus at him. Tom proceeded to counter with a form of Laser out of his eyes. "SWEET!" Tom said.
"Awesome...Let's see. I have claws, you have optic beams...If I know my X-Men correctly, you're going to have to be my rival now, right?" Maryi asked.
"I don't think so...Let's go now. You should probably come with us now, we need a good 'chick with claws' on our roster..." Jeremy replied. Maryi jumped in. Tom took the wheel and they headed away.
Suddenly, in England, the Sorceress was angered.
"THEY'VE GOT MY MAGICK MAKER! NO! I'll Get those people..." Darthania screamed. "Jeremiah, GET THEM!" Darthania proceeded to take her full power and targeted the ground. Instantly, they seperated Scotland from the rest of the area and sent it towards the United States. "This will teach them..."