No Pain No Gain
Story by Dyane Benson aka MovieGal (dyane@wisdommicro.com)
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, they belong to Shoot the Moon Productions and Warner Brothers. I am only having a little fun with a story. No infringment intended. The story is mine so I need to know if you use it for anything. I just read another fanfic titled Until We Meet Again and I noticed that there are a few similarities with my story. No infringement was intended.
Time frame: Season Three during and after Over the Limit. I have changed what happened in the original episode ever so slightly. She has all the brains and instincts of a good agent, but what would it take to make her a "bad ass" one as well? This episode provided the needed material and soil to grow my story. Hope you enjoy. This is my first fanfic. Let me know if you liked it.
Rating: PG-13
Chapter 2
Wednesday dawned bright and sunny, as sunny as Lee's mood. He had spent these few days thinking about what his feelings for Amanda where. His feelings for her seemed to grow stronger and the fear and uncertainty weaker. He was a bit nervous about her reaction but he was certain they could work it out. What if she didn't care for him the way he cared for her? It didn't matter, he was going to see Amanda today. He would have to tell Billy he wanted to work with Amanda on their next assignment. Billy had been acting funny for the past two days in fact he had avoided Lee whenever possible but it didn't bother him. He was going to see his Amanda. He got up, showered and dressed. When he reached the agency there was a spring in his step. He whistled as he came in the front and Mrs. Marsten ushered him through. He whistled all the way to Billy's office. His whistling stopped suddenly as he noticed a distinct lack of a special face.
He opened the door to Billy's office and sat down. "Where's Amanda? I thought you said she would be here today." Lee was a little irritated but waited patiently for an answer.
Billy did not answer at first. He looked tired and he had dark circles under his eyes. Something was bothering him. "Everything OK Billy?" Lee managed to ask. He had a sudden sinking feeling that his mood had to do with Amanda. He hoped everything was all right.
"Lee, Amanda is not here. She won't be coming in for a couple of weeks." Billy managed to say.
"Where is she? Why isn't she going to be here for two weeks?"
The panic in Lee's voice was unmistakable. Billy hated to have to hide things from him especially when it had to do with Amanda but he had made a promise to her. "She is at Station one for a while and will move up from there. She came in early Monday and requested to go. I had been thinking of sending her anyway so we arranged it and that is where she is. She is going to go through a rigorous two week training. She will be fine. You, however, need to get back to work on this case. You know, I have some more information on Michael. They spotted him last night at one of the local bars. I want you to go down to The Drain and see what you can dig up."
"Why was I not told about this on Monday? Why did you keep it from me? She is my partner for heavens sake! I had a right to know." Lee was more than a little angry. Now he had to wait two more weeks to see her. He didn't know if he could make it that long. To top it all off he couldn't even sneak out to the training camp till this case was closed and it looked like it may not be for a while. Damn! Why was this happening now? Just when he finally figured out his feelings?
"Well, if she is your "partner" as you so forcefully state, you sure haven't been treating her like one lately. When she comes back if you so much as look at her sideways or speak rudely I will transfer her myself. No, I don't want to hear your lame excuses." Billy saw the look that Lee had on his face and knew when he was going to defend himself. "She is the best thing to happen to you and you know it. I want you to set aside your feelings and consider hers. She has been busting her tail to try and help out around here and if it wasn't for her we wouldn't have a number of cases solved and you would probably be dead. Now I want your word. You will behave around her. Understand?"
Billy's voice told Lee how serious he was. How could he explain to his boss that the reason he was treating Amanda so badly was because he cared about her? You don't treat people you care about like that so Lee kept it in. "Yes, sir," was all he managed to say.
"Good, now get out of here and down to that bar." End of discussion. Billy sat down and picked up a file from his desk and started reading. Lee grunted and threw a disgusted look at Billy then stalked out of the office, his cheerful demeanor gone. Billy knew this would be hard for Lee but not nearly as hard if he told him what was actually going on. If he had told him that Amanda had come in Monday looking like hell, that her family had all been drowned and that she was a walking emotionless robot then Lee would not have been able to contain himself. Amanda had made him promise not to tell Lee about her family. Not yet. She would tell him when she got back. For now she said she needed something to do and she was ready for the agent training. The hard look in her eyes was the hardest on Billy. He recognized it from many an agents loss himself. Her sparkle was gone. He had agreed to the training hoping she would be able to get the anger and pain out of her system. The program she was going into was not easy and definitely would help take her mind off her loss. He couldn't help but feel that he had lost something too. His heart ached for her. She was almost like a daughter to him. Time would tell. He just hoped Lee would be okay.
The next week and a half went by quickly. With some help from TP, Lee was able to get the proof he needed to trap Michael and get him behind bars. No more consulate bombings. He had spent every moment on this case not noticing much besides the case. He was exhausted but the good thing was he still had two days left to go and see Amanda at her training camp. He finished his debriefing and left a message for Billy saying where he was headed. He went home and changed into some sweats and a t-shirt, packed a light duffle and practically ran out the door.
He arrived at the camp two hours later. It brought back pleasant memories of the last time he was at one of these. It had been with Amanda. Of course that had been Station One and this was definitely not that. The training here was harder and tougher. Only the best came here. That made him think, why was Amanda here? She had failed miserably at almost every course at Station one and couldn't even shoot a gun at someone. Two weeks ago, at her first trip to the shooting range Leatherneck had said she would take a lot of work. She had gotten the Agency's lowest ever score. What was going on here? He made his way down to the office and inquired where he might find Amanda King. The agent checked his badge and told him where to find her. She was on the obstacle course now, on the other side of the hill to the west. Lee thanked the man and left. As he came to the top of the hill he could see the course spread out before him. He remembered when he was here. It was grueling. He just could not picture his little slim Amanda being able to make it through this. The ropes and logs and pits were much bigger and higher and deeper that Station One. Then he spotted her. Her figure was unmistakable. He decided to just sit here and watch. What he saw shocked the hell out of him. Amanda was going through the drills like a pro. She didn't even miss a step and he knew he would be hard pressed to keep up with her. Something about her was bothering him. He decided to get a closer look. He couldn't see her face. Fear gripped his heart. Suddenly he felt this uncontrollable need to see her face.
As he got closer his heart stopped. He stopped. He could see her face clearly now. She was not looking at him but that did not matter. He would recognize her face anywhere with it's ready smile and that unmistakable twinkle in her eye. What he saw was not the Amanda he knew. There was no sparkle in her eyes. No smile on her lips. No emotion whatsoever. She seemed hard. Her body looked great. Her legs were tan as were her face and arms. She had developed a little muscle that only accentuated her lovely figure. But there was something missing from Amanda. Amanda was missing.
Dear God, what has happened to her? He felt his heart breaking. All he wanted to do was go to her and take her in his arms and hold her, tell her that everything would be okay.
Before he could move the class left and went to the shooting range. Amanda was first. She never hesitated as she took her stance and fired the gun. With unerring deadly accuracy she hit the target of the man dead center in the chest and head. That shocked Lee even more. He knew she had trouble shooting at people. Just two weeks ago she had complained that the reason she shot the pulley at the warehouse and not the man was because she would have missed. Even her practice that week had gone bad. She wouldn't even shoot at the target of the person. She just shot at the ceiling to get the practice over with. She couldn't even keep her eyes open while she shot. He had laughed at her endearing quality to not want to hurt anyone. So why was she shooting one now, with her eyes wide open and with deadly accuracy? What had happened to her? He waited in the shadows and followed the group to the mats. When Amanda's turn came up she moved like a panther. Her movements were lithe and precise. She took down the man agent that was twice her size and flipped him. She knelt on his chest effectively knocking his breath out and immobilizing him. She backed off but there was no emotion on her face. Nothing. It was like she was a robot. She didn't even look proud at her accomplishment. This was not the Amanda he knew. Lee didn't know what to do. He was scared to face her now. He knew the last time he had seen her he had berated her on her use of a gun. They had not exactly parted in good company. She was not likely to welcome him with open arms. Instead of going to her he decided to watch her. From there they went to the gym. She came out of the locker room dressed in short shorts and a tight t-shirt. She was very becoming and looked great, then he saw her face. He had never seen her like this. She walked over to a punching bag and started to warm up. She punched and kicked. He recognized some Kickboxing moves from his classes. She was good. He had to admit she had good form, she had always had good form. She had always had a knack for helping out. Her methods may have been different than he would have done but she had good instincts. He had always known, deep inside, that she would make a great agent some day. He just didn't think it would be so soon.
Punch, punch, kick punch, kick. The adrenaline rush was exhilarating and the pain from each punch fulfilling. Each punch helped her to forget. Forget about the emotional pain she was not having. The physical pain was her only link to reality.
After about an hour and a half of working up a sweat she stopped. Lee thought she must be tired. He could see a little blood on her knuckles and some bruises on her legs and arms he hadn't noticed before. He was glad she was stopping. The way she was attacking the bag made him glad she was on his side. She must be tired. She wiped her face with a towel, hung up her gloves then sprinted out the door. Lee had to run to keep up with being able to see her. With an open mouth, Lee realized she was not heading to the cabins but out on a jog. She had just spent the last 5 hours doing an obstacle course, shooting and kicking and hitting. Anyone else, himself included, would have been exhausted by now, and here she was running. He couldn't keep up with her and soon she was gone among the trees. He decided to wait at her cabin. He would just have to find out which one it was.
He found the same agent behind the desk in the office. After finding out which cabin was hers he left and slipped inside. He found a comfy chair in the corner and decided to wait for her. It was an hour later that he heard footsteps coming up the stairs. It was after 9:30 p.m. and it was dark. The corner Lee was in was in the shadows. The door opened and a very tired but determined face appeared in the doorway. She didn't even bother to light a candle. Instead she came inside and started to remove her shoes. Then she started on her clothes. Lee was transfixed, but he knew she would be angry if she knew he saw anything. He decided to make himself known. Gosh, she was beautiful.
He cleared his throat. With cat like reflexes Amanda spun and grabbed him. Before he knew what was happening he was on his back, on the bed with his arms pinned and a knee in his throat.
"Amanda, it's me, Lee." He managed to squeak out.
"Lee?" Was that relief in her voice? She slowly removed her knee and Lee sat up.
"Nice move. When did you learn that?"
"Last week. What are you doing here?" Her voice shook a little but gained strength towards the end. She would not let him see her weak. Never again would she let her defenses down. She had been weak all her life. She had let too many people into her heart and all she got was loss and pain. She would never let herself be hurt again. She had worked hard all week trying to get her family out of her mind. She had started with that at the bed and breakfast. That was easy. They were gone. She buried them deep along with the emotion but Lee's memory had been harder. He was not gone and she would have to see him again. Well, at least it would not be a weak Amanda that saw him. She would show him he couldn't hurt her. She didn't care who he dated. She knew she still loved him and she had almost gotten him out of her mind and heart today. The harder she worked, the more pain she inflicted on her body with the hard training and the more she concentrated on the task at hand the easier it was. The more physical pain she felt the better. At least she was feeling something. The pain she didn't feel for the loss of her family was replaced by the physical pain. The physical pain helped to numb the only thing she did feel and that was her feelings for Lee. Now here he was, in her cabin. Her heart skipped a beat but she shoved it back in its cage. She would not let him see her with her guard down.
"I came to check on my partner. I was worried about you. You know how you always get yourself into trouble without me. I thought you might need me." He laughed trying to lighten the mood. Amanda was not to be lightened, however.
"You don't have to worry about me anymore. I can take care of myself. I won't be a burden to you or anyone ever again."
"You were never a burden, Amanda." Lee said softly.
"Don't lie to me, Lee. All you ever did was try and ditch me on a case when you could. That is until you needed good ole Amanda. Mr. Hot Shot Agent couldn't be seen with a lowly little housewife no matter how helpful she was. Maybe I was a little clumsy and got into a little trouble but I have fixed that now. I won't be a burden to you anymore. You won't have to be embarrassed to have me with you. Francine will even have to eat crow. I could probably kick her a—now too."
Lee sat there in stunned silence. He had never heard her be so blunt and use such harsh language. This was definitely not the Amanda he knew. Something was definitely wrong. "I know I was a fool for not seeing you for what you truly are and I am truly sorry for the way I have behaved over the past few weeks, years even. I care about you and about our friendship. I want to be here for you. Please tell me what is wrong. I can't bear to see you this way…"
Amanda could hear the sincerity in his voice. But she didn't want to hear this now. If she did she would have to let her guard down and that just was not going to happen. He obviously did not know about her family. His face would have shown that. He genuinely seemed to be worried about her. I don't care anymore, she thought. Instead of touching his face which was her first impulse she snapped, "What way would that be Lee, a fully trained agent that doesn't need a man to take care of her anymore?" She could tell he was about to say something. She could tell her words hurt him. The look in his eyes was too much. "I think you better leave. I am tired and I need to take a shower."
"I am not leaving until you tell me what is wrong. Don't push me away. Please." Lee was desperate. Here stood the woman, or the shell of the woman he cared about. He knew his Amanda was in there somewhere if he could just reach her. He recognized her tactics of walling people out. He had done the same thing when his partner, Eric, died. Amanda was the one who had melted his defenses. She was the one who helped him see that life was worth living. Her gentle love was what had saved him from a life of loneliness. He only hoped he had not pushed her too far away. He couldn't help but think that she was here because of him, because he had shoved her away and substituted her with Leslie. He had been a fool before but he was not going to let it happen again.
"You're a fine one to talk of pushing someone away." Touche! She was right, what right did he have to ask her not to push him away when that was all he had done to her for a long time. "Fine, stay if you want. I don't care." With that she proceeded to remove her clothing and step into the shower in the corner. She didn't even care that he saw her naked. The shy demure Amanda was gone or pretty well hidden. The shower started and Lee just sat there. Something was going on. She wasn't providing any answers. Maybe he could get something out of Billy. Silently Lee got up and went to his car. The drive home did nothing to ease his growing concern and frustration. No matter how he looked at it he just couldn't see that his pushing her away a few weeks ago would culminate to this. Something else must have happened. When he got home he got in the shower. Lost in the steam he allowed the hot water to massage his stress away. The woman he cared about, who had always been there for him who had cared for him and taught him about love was in pain and there was nothing he could do. He felt so helpless. Perhaps Billy could shed some light on the subject. The next day was Sunday. Amanda would be done with her training by then. He decided to call Billy.
"William Melrose here."
"Billy, it's Lee. "
"Hello, Lee. What can I do for you. Is everything okay?" Lee could hear the tiredness in Billy's voice. He sounded more tired that he had ever heard him before.
"Billy, I need to know what is going on with Amanda. I just got back from her training camp and to say I am stunned would be a massive understatement. It was like she was dead inside and was a robot. You should have seen her on the obstacle course. She ran it without any problems and did better than I ever did. On the firing range she shot the human target dead center Billy. A human target! You know she doesn't like to shot at human targets. She fights and kicks with excellent skill and seems to have an energy that is unstoppable. This is not my Amanda. I recognized the look in her eyes as one who has lost something or someone. Don't give me a bullshit story either. I want to know what is going on, damn it! Does it have to do with me?"
The sigh on the other end came from deep within Billy's chest. Should he come clean? Lee was bound to find out anyway. The entire Agency already knew but Lee's involvement with his case must have made him oblivious to anything else going on in the office. Plus from the description Lee just gave of Amanda his worry for the past two weeks was confirmed. She was not dealing with this in a healthy way. Maybe it was time to tell Scarecrow and hope he could reach her. "Lee, I need to know what your real feelings for Amanda are." Billy already had his suspicions.
"So it does have to do with me." Lee cursed under his breath. This was all his fault. But she hadn't lost him.
"Lee, this has almost nothing to do with you. You may be just a small part. Now answer my question. What are your real feelings for Amanda?" He knew Lee loved her but was unable to tell her. If Lee could tell him that he loved her then maybe Lee was the medicine Amanda needed.
Lee hesitated. His new found feelings for Amanda were new to him. He had never even said them aloud to anyone. How could he now? To his boss of all people. Something told him to tell him, though. He couldn't believe the next words that came out of his mouth.
"I care about her, Billy. I care more than I have ever cared for anyone before. I care so much it scares me. I can't lose her now that I have finally found her. I realized this two weeks ago the night all hell broke lose at the warehouse. What am I going to do? I can't seem to reach her. What has happened to do this to her?" Lee couldn't believe the admission. But it was all true, every bit of it.
Billy was relieved to hear Lee admit this to him. He knew how hard this was for him too. "Lee, what I am about to tell you will hurt and shock you. Please understand that I kept it from you at Amanda's request. I had no idea things would get this bad. That night at the warehouse Amanda went to her debriefing and left to go on a plane to meet her mother and sons on a yacht in the Bahamas. When she got to the plane she found out that there had been a terrible storm and the ship her family was on had been struck with lightning hitting the lifeboat and sinking the ship. They found Phillips life jacket and parts of the yacht. They were too far from any kind of Island to safely swim if they did make it and since the life boat was struck that ruled out the possibility of them being adrift. Her family is dead, Scarecrow, and she doesn't believe you care about her after the way you treated her with dating Leslie and all. She lost everyone of value she has ever cared about and part of her died. I was hoping that training would help relieve some stress but it seems she has walled off all emotion. We have to do something but I am afraid we can't just push our way in. She is in a very delicate frame of mind. Just be there for her and let her know with your emotions that you care. My advice to you would be to tread lightly. If she hears you proclaim your undying love now she will take it as an act of pity. I will schedule some appointments with Pfaff on Monday. We'll get her through this. I know we will."
Lee was stunned. Did Billy just say "love"? Was his feelings love? He wasn't sure but everything suddenly seemed to click. Her actions and words suddenly made sense. His heart ached for her loss. He knew what she felt. Billy was right, though. He had to take this slow. There was time later to sort out his feelings for her. Right now she needed Lee, the friend, not Lee, the lover. Lee cringed as the thought entered his head. No, Amanda couldn't possibly see him as her lover not after this past few weeks. The thought didn't scare him, though. Now was definitely not the time to pursue those feelings. Time would tell though. Right now he would be the best friend he could be and hopefully he could let her know how sorry he was for his past actions.