Digimon: Dogma pt. 2
By Digifan3:16
Based on the movie By Kevin Smith
See prolog for disclaimer (Too many big words to remember)
Mimi is prying before she goes to sleep. She is doing this rather out of habit than faith. A few minutes after falling asleep, she is awoken by a noise. Then all of a sudden a fire appears in front of her and it sounds like its saying:
"You have been chosen by God, the one true God…"
Mimi immediately grabbed the fire extinguisher and sprayed the flame, but what appeared next was a complete surprise. In place of flame was a blue haired man with glasses.
"What the… Hey!" he said. "Stop it! God! Is this what you do when ever you have company?"
"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?" Mimi yelled.
"Oh, that's a twist! I'm soaked and she's slurry!" The man said.
"Did you come here to rape me?" Mimi asked.
"Oh don't flatter your self!" The man said. "Besides, I couldn't rape you if I wanted to, angels are ill equipped." The man took off his shorts, to reveal that something was missing (note: Use your imagination). "See?" the man asked. "Now, toss me a towel." Mimi grabbed and tossed him the nearest towel she can find. "God, and I just washed my cloths last week." The man complained, then he told Mimi: "Now get on the bed and let me finish." Mimi got on the bed and the man continued from where he left off. "Now as I was saying: I am," he said as wings appeared out of his back, "Joe."
Mimi just sat there confused. "God, if it's not from a movie, know one knows what your talking about." Joe complained. "The highest ranking angel." Joe said, but Mimi was still confused. "I'm the voice of God!" Joe said.
"Why doesn't God speak for him self?" Mimi asked.
"Well, look whose joined the conversation." Joe said. "To answer that, humans aren't mentally or physically capable of hearing God's voice. To hear it, would cause your mind and heart to explode. We went through five Adams before we figured that out."
But Mimi still had a look of disbelief. "Still don't believe me? Okay! Fine! Want some more proof? How about a drink?" As soon as he said that, Joe snapped his fingers and Mimi and Joe ended up in what looked like a Mexican restaurant.
"Where are we?" Mimi asked.
"Just a sec." Joe said and then called a waiter to his and Mimi's table. "Two tequilas and an empty cup por favore!" Joe told the waiter. "Si!" The waiter said.
"We're in Mexico?" Mimi asked.
"No, were in the Mexican restaurant a few blocks away from your house. But, if my trick didn't convince you that I'm an angle, then I don't know what will."
"So, what does God want with me?" Mimi asked.
"I guess my little trick worked." Joe said. "Anyway, you have been picked to go on a crusade. You are to go to a church in Red Bank, NJ and you have be there in four days. That's it." "That's it?" Mimi asked. "There has got to be a catch." Then, while drinking, Joe mumbled something that Mimi couldn't exactly hear. "I didn't catch that." She said. Then Joe said after spiting his drink into his empty cup: "I said stop two angels from entering heaven and negating existence. God, are you deaf?" "What?" Mimi asked. Joe then replied: "It's like this: There are these two angels: Matt and Tai and Tai is the angel of death, or was. After he slaughtered Egypt's first born…"
"The tenth plague." Mimi said.
"Tell someone your Joe, and they'll look at you oddly," Joe said, "but mention something from a movie, and they are suddenly on the same page. Can I finish?" Mimi nods. "Anyway," Joe continued, "Matt invited Tai out for a drink, convinces Tai his job is wrong, gets drunk, quits, and gives God the finger, which ruins it for the rest of us because from that day on, God declared Angles can no longer drink alcohol, which is why I keep spiting. God didn't take it too well and kicked both Tai and Matt out. Now they've found away to get back thanks to Catholic Dogma and that church's policy that all who pass the arch way is forgiven for their sins and allowed back into heaven."
"So they beat the system. Good for them." Mimi said.
"Not good for you!" Joe snapped. "God's word is final. To prove him wrong would make everything to opposite of what it is. Up would become down, black would become white, existence would become nothingness. If they go through the arch, they would prove God wrong and destroy you all."
"Why me? Why not someone up there?" Mimi asked.
"Because of who you are." Joe replied.
"And just who am I?" Mimi asked.
"The girl in her bloody P.J.'s!" Joe snapped. "God! You keep asking so many questions!"
"I'm going to have to pass." Mimi said.
Joe quickly spit into his empty cup and asked: "What?"
"When I found out I couldn't bare children, where was God?" Mimi asked. "When my boyfriend broke up with me because I couldn't bare his offspring, where was God?"
"You get to be mother of the entire world!" Joe snapped back. "Don't let existence end because you have a grudge against your creator! But it's up to you! Time for me to go." Joe said as he got up.
Then Mimi said: "Just one question: What's he like?"
"God?" Joe replied. "Lonely, but funny. He especially thinks it's hilarious when you people make faces during intercourse."
"Sex is a joke up in heaven?" Mimi asked.
"From what I understand, it's a joke down here too." Joe said. Then Joe shook his hands some how making a rattle sound.
Suddenly, Mimi found her self at her house in her bed. At first she thought the meeting with Joe was a dream, but as she put her hand under her pillow, she felt something. She pulled what ever was under there out and found out they were Mexican rattles.
Latter that night, outside the abortion clinic:
Mimi was closing the clinic for the night. She was still wandering if she should go to New Jersey. She was about to get into her car, when suddenly something hit her from behind, knocking her into the ground. She looked up and saw a kid on rollerblades wearing a T-shirt and holding a hockey stick. The kid shoots the keys, with mace attached to the key ring, under the car then hits Mimi. Then he joins the other kids that helped him beat up the old man. They banned their sticks on the ground several times while Mimi tried reaching for her keys. Once the kids stopped, they where about to rush Mimi when suddenly:
"Snooch to the mother fucking booch!" A skinny, tall figure shouted as he and a shorter and fatter figure jumped down and attacked the kids. They fought the kids, throwing punches left and right and tossing the kids at a nearby street corner. Just as the last kid was tossed Mimi grabbed her keys and the mace. But just as that happened, the short figure lit up a cigarette and the kids ran away as the skinny one yelled: "Go back to your paper rout you mighty duck fucks!" He then turned to his shorter friend and said: "Did you see that shit? Man, I knew they were just kids but we kicked their pubic asses!"
Mimi got up and said: "I don't know what to say, except…"
"That you'll offer us sex as a reward?" The tall one said
"Actually," Mimi replied, "Who are they and you?"
"I'm Jay," the tall one said, then he pointed to his shorter friend, "and this is my hetero life mate Silent Bob. As for the kids, we don't know who they are, but they would've kicked yours and lunch box's asses if I didn't represent." Bob just gave Jay an annoyed look.
"You're not protesters, are you?" Mimi asked
"The Dick heads with the signs?" Jay asked. "Hell no! Me and Silent Bob are pro choice. Women's' bodies are they're own fucking business."
"Then, why are you here?" Mimi asked.
"To pick up chicks." Jay replied. "I mean, why else would women be here if they weren't easy?"
Mimi gave Jay an annoyed look and said: "Well thanks."
Jay then replied: "That's it? We saved your life and all we get is a thanks?" As he and Bob were about to leave, Jay then said: "Man, I'm going back to Jersey. I can kick little kids asses there and make myself a profit…"
As Jay continues rambling, Mimi remembers Joe's words "…profits…two of them…" Mimi looked up and said: "You have got to be kidding!"
At a gun shop:
"…and we call this the fecalator, one look, and the target shits him or her self." The owner of the shop said as he was talking to two people: Matt and Tai.
"It's not as compact as the flaming sword." Tai complained. "It doesn't have that fear of God edge to it." "So?" Matt asked. "What I do is an art form!" Snapped Tai. "Committing mass murder, an art form?" Matt replied. "Anyone can start a few fires." "What I did was rain down sulfur!" Tai said. "That is way different from starting a few fires." Tai then grabbed the most fierce looking gun and told the owner: "We'll take this."
To be continued…