Author's Note: Thanks to encouragement, I decided to continue my- Trowa- Dr. Trowa's Mental Sessions...hey I'm a little mental m'self! Do I need to be on the show?
Dr. Trowa's Mental Sessions
Episode #2
{Trowa has finally recovered from the sore injuries of Heero's knife. He is back on the show—hosting it, and helping those who need it. Since you are an audience member, you can call:
DR. TROWA'S MENTAL LINE!
Call 1-800-DR TROWA
Dr. Trowa says, CALL!
Because if it weren't for you, he and his pants'd be unemployed!
Trowa: Hi...
Audience: HI DR. TROWA.
Trowa: Oh, again with the name calling? ...okay. Last week, we had the pilots on the show. They had some...disorders. Rather disturbing. There was Quatre-- who can't take the fact the world is filled with war! Your average everyday hippie! And Duo-- who believes he is a star! ...well, Heero who has a killing problem. And Wufei-- who just can't shut up about Justice! Oh, well. Please welcome our newest guest-- ...Relena Peacecraft!
{Relena comes out and sits on the futon bed}
Relena: Trowa.
Trowa: Relena. How are you? Not so good, I hear.
Relena: Terrible! Heero is ignoring and neglecting me!
Trowa: ....Anything new?
Relena: Oh...um...he keeps- well I get these notes that say I have a brother. Someone named Milliardo-- and I think it's a funny name.
Trowa: Lucky for you, we also do a reuniting service! Relena, do you know a Zechs Merquise?
Relena: Why yes. He is with the federation who shot my father dead.
Trowa: Come on out, Zechs!
{Zechs walks out too} Zechs: What's your problem? I was at the middle of a potty break!
Trowa: Relena, meet your brother! Zechs, meet your sister!
Relena and Zechs: {gasps; faints}
Trowa: {Stares at them} ...This can't be good...roll the dang commercial-
Director: Dr. Trowa, shouldn't we call security?
Trowa: If they die, charge it to my bill! Now shut up, and roll the commercial!
********************
Trowa: {flipping through papers} We are...back and this time, hopefully, someone will be on the show. But-...oh, who's this? Oh, a returning guest from last week's show. Please, once again, welcome Quatre Raberba Winner.
{Quatre comes in and sits on the futon bed; drinking tea}
Trowa: Quatre.
Quatre: Trowa. {sips the tea}
Trowa: Quatre, this is the second time. What have I told you about being mental?
Quatre: I'm okay, seriously. {sips more tea}
Trowa: Might we have a witness? Come on out- Rashid!
{Rashid comes out and snatches the tea from Quatre} Rashid: Master Quatre! You already drank tea about 1000 times today...and that's NOT literally! I think you're addicted!
Quatre: Don't be silly, Rashid...n-now, gimme the tea.
Rashid: Master-
Quatre: The tea, NOW Rashid!
Rashid: Quatre! Tea has caffeine in it! You could seriously be harmed-
Quatre: MY TEA!!
Rashid: I won't give you the tea! You drink too much of it already, Master Quatre!
Quatre: {cries; sniffs} ...I don't want to fight you-
Rashid: That's a good boy, Quatre-
Quatre: But I'm afraid I must if I want my TEA!!! {starts lunging at Rashid}
Trowa: {sighs} ...If any of you...are ever having mental problems-- or if there is one who is acting...sort of mental ...feel free to once again call...
DR. TROWA'S MENTAL LINE!
Call 1-800-DR TROWA
Dr. Trowa says, CALL!
Trowa: We'll be back after this!
*********************
Trowa: Alright. I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of this...mental setting-people-on-the-right-road thing. So, please welcome- and shield your eyes, clothes, anything valuable-- ...C-C-C- ...NO!!! CATHERINE BLOOM!!!
{Catherine walks out on stage and sits on the futon bed}
Trowa: Get out-
Catherine: Hi Trowa. How are ya?
Trowa: I don't take kindly to siblings, now leave! You for a fact have been mental since Day 1, but I'm not qualified to do this. I should've left during that fight for the useless tea bags!
Catherine: Oh come on, brother! What Ph.D do you have anyway?
Trowa: The only Ph.D I was qualified enough to get!
Catherine: And what's that?
Trowa: ...The Ph.D for failures...
Catherine: {chuckles}
Trowa: Don't laugh! It's true and- get out!
Catherine: But I'm mental!
Trowa: That must be a hobby for you, is it not?
Catherine: Oh, shut up! It's true!
Trowa: You prefer being mental, do you not?
Catherine: Trowa!
Trowa: Alright. Well, maybe not fully mental. But I have to jot down some facts! Now...at what age did you drink toilet water?
Catherine: What?! {jumps up}
Trowa: It happens to any mental person. Now answer the question!
Catherine: I am out of here! {leaves}
Trowa: {grins} ...Roll the commercial.
********************
Trowa: Okay, well. The last few people on the show, were rather insane! But this is a change! A big change! Please welcome out, our last mental person…Treize Kh-…what's his last name. Come on out!
{Treize comes out and sits on the futon bed}
Trowa: Treize, I understand you have a problem?
Treize: Just a slight problem to do with…mental stuff.
Trowa: That's why we're here. {Turns to the camera} And…if there is ever a time you feel alone…you can-
Treize: Get on with it! I'm here to get help!
Trowa: Mr. K, did you know 99% of the time people come on the show, they never get help from me. They either argue, faint or die?
Treize: What?! {jumps up; holds a gun to Trowa's neck} I better get some help now before I SHOOT!!
Trowa: …G-Get the man some help- GET THE MAN SOME DANG HELP!!!
{Guards rush in and strap Treize down}
Trowa: {grins} I am in control. Alright, let me just ask you a few embarrassing questions. Alright.
Treize: What? No!
Trowa: What do you think potty water tastes like?
Treize: N\A
Trowa: …answer the question in words, you baffoon!
Treize: Not…uh…what does that A stand for in that N\A thing?
Trowa: Not applied, or approved or something. Anyhow, next question! …What do you think of dogs?
Treize: They make really good substitutes for turkey on Thanksgiving.
Trowa: {cups his mouth; sighs} Alright…what do you think of…chess?
Treize: It's a bad game. All my pieces go missing. And I find them with a bullet in them.
Trowa: Treize, do you have a shooting problem?
Treize: Why yes.
Trowa: Boys, take his gun!
{security guards take Treize's gun}
Treize: HEY!!
Trowa: There we go…{turns to the camera again} …If there is ever a time, you feel alone. Feel free to call:
DR. TROWA'S MENTAL LINE
CALL 1-800-DR TROWA
Dr. Trowa says, CALL!
Trowa: And-
Treize: Gun, fire NOW!
{Treize's gun fires a bullet into the ceiling}
Trowa: What the?
Treize: Ha Ha! My gun is voice controlled by ME! It only recognizes my voice! Gun, fire the guards and Trowa NOW!
{Treize's gun starts chasing Trowa}
Director: …Should we roll the dang commercial? Or end the dang show?
{silence}
Director: Okay.
*****************************
{Wufei stumbles onto stage}
Wufei: Uh…review the story…do it for Trowa…No, he didn't die. He just got shot, no biggie. Stay tuned for a next epsiode of… {flashy ad pops up on the screen}
DR. TROWA'S MENTAL SESSIONS!