Veritas 10
Well, here's a tip that has nothing to do with the story. Get a flu shot. I refused, and have paid the price. Not only was I unable to move for three days, I had to endure a very smug boyfriend bringing me tea and pharmaceuticals every few hours. Although he never actually said 'I told you so', the words just hung in an annoying aura around his inoculated self. At least, that's what I thought until I finally got up to work & turned on my computer. My screen saver seems to have mysteriously re-programmed itself into the scrolling marquee setting – and says in large red letters against a black background: "Next year, I will listen to well meant advice and stop being a baby about needles".
On with the story, then. Harry's POV as the action shifts to Hogwarts for a chapter or two.
And one thing – there is no "Veritas 8A" so to speak – all I meant with that was that I was posting version B of chapter 8, so nobody is missing anything.
***
Harry pulled at his jumper's arms to bring the sleeves down over his hands. It's freezing down here. The dungeon halls seemed darker and danker than usual. January was exceptionally cold, and the skies were always overcast, so they all seemed to have been living in a perpetual gloomy twilight ever since term had started. Harry's mood wasn't the best to start with, what with this whole Draco issue to fret over, and this was making it worse. And now he was late for potions. Again.
Bloody hell.
Harry finally reached the classroom, took a deep breath, and went in. Although he carefully kept his eyes on the floor, he could feel everyone looking at him. Especially Snape.
"Ten points from Gryffindor, Potter. And I don't care what your excuse might be."
Harry wordlessly sat next to Ron, who didn't risk a glace in his direction. Snape went on with his lecture.
"At this point in your careers you should be able to handle some of the more sophisticated healing potions, and that is what we will be focusing on for the next six weeks. As always, I am aware that this will prove too much for any number of you, but you will have to do the best you can."
Harry went through the motions of taking notes and even opening his book to approximately the page Professor Snape had asked them to, but he was concentrating more on what he was planning to do two days from now. He risked a glance at Malfoy, finally. Draco sat in stony silence next to Crabbe. Goyle was still out sick, and Harry thought how lopsided Malfoy appeared with only one of his goons trailing him about. But he looks different; or am I just thinking that? He doesn't have the usual sneer on his face. Draco looked, instead, completely blank. Like he's not even concentrating on this. But what is he thinking about? It was too disturbing for Harry to even think about that. I don't know what's worse, if he's thinking about helping Voldemort or helping Dumbledore.
Ron suddenly gave him a swift kick in the ankle under the table. Harry just managed to avoid both crying out and slamming his knee on the tabletop.
What? He glared at Ron. Ron passed him a note while Snape had turned to start handing out ingredients.
Stop staring at Malfoy, you idiot. What are you trying to do? Screw this up for Snuffles?
Harry read the note, then tossed it in the fire under their cauldron as Ron walked up front with the others. Good point.
He looked instead at Hermione, who was talking to Cecelia Carrington, the other Slytherin Prefect, as they collected their ingredients. I can't believe those two get on so well. At least it works in our favour. Imagine if Zabini was the Prefect. We'd never have a chance at pulling this off….
Lucky for Harry, Ron had actually been paying attention, and he came back with the ingredients, put them on the table, then quickly turned Harry's book to the right page just as Snape walked over, inspecting their set up. He gave them each a standard dark look, but said nothing as he moved on.
"Imagine," muttered Ron under his breath, "this is actually an improvement with Snape."
Harry just gave a small grunt and went to work on their potion. While Harry couldn't really concentrate, thinking about what he, Ron and Hermione were about to do, Ron seemed to deal with his stress by actually focusing very intently on making their assignment perfect. Or as close to perfect as Snape would allow.
This prevented Harry from completely botching the assignment.
"Harry! What are you doing?"
Harry suddenly snapped out of his reverie to see Ron glaring at him again, and holding his wrist.
"Um, putting the blackberries in?"
"Not yet, this lot has to boil down first. Wait 'till it turns red, then put them in."
Harry let his nerves finally get the better of him, and he snapped at Ron. "Well, sorry, Ron. Didn't realize you'd suddenly become such a pro at this. Katie been giving you lessons over the holidays when I wasn't looking?"
"Oh shut up and get on with it. Are you trying to get us in trouble? Get us a detention and we'll miss our shot at…at…and then where will we be?"
Hermione finally leaned over from where she was working with Dean.
"What is wrong with you both?" she hissed, "Your bickering is getting some looks. And now Snape…."
Snape suddenly appeared next to Hermione and she instantly went red and shut up.
"I would appreciate it, Miss Granger, if you would respect my request that conversation be kept to a minimum while you are supposed to be working. I understand that Professor Sprout needs assistance in cleaning out several of her greenhouses. Do I make myself clear?" he concluded, icily.
"Yes, Professor."
Snape looked at Harry and Ron, and then glanced in their cauldron.
"Better put those in now, Potter, or you will have to start again, and there is not enough time in the class remaining for you to successfully complete this potion if you do that." Snape moved on to the next group of students.
Harry threw the blackberries in the pot so hard that the potion splashed up and burned his hand. Ron said nothing, but rolled his eyes.
Harry turned away, rubbing his burned hand, and looked up to suddenly see Malfoy looking at him. Again, he was surprised to see that Draco did not have the customary sneer he wore whenever he looked at Potter, but instead was looking at him with the same blank expression he had had on all class. God, what if he thinks that Sirius and Remus just told us everything? We've been very careful not to do or say anything differently than we normally would with him. Sirius and Remus may have been pretty convinced that Draco was in fact helping the League in his own way, but Harry was still suspicious. It just doesn't fit.
Harry decided to just sneer at Draco instead, then turned back to Ron. Ron was livid.
"I told you to stop looking at him. God, I'm not sure I'm forgiving them for all this. They'd damn well better be right."
Harry sighed. He knew how Ron felt. He trusted Sirius and Remus completely, but this was really testing his resolve. To trust something so important to Draco seems insane….
***
The first day of the New Year started with Ron and Harry trying very hard not to pick a fight with Sirius and Remus. After their little bombshell about Draco being the one who set them free when Lucius Malfoy had captured them, they had refused to further justify their convictions that Draco was to be trusted.
"Harry, we could spend the next month arguing over this," Sirius had said in an angry tone. "And none of us have the time for that. We need to be getting on. The only question, it seems, is are you going to help us or not?"
Harry felt miserable at this. Sirius and Remus were both looking at him rather stonily. Harry had learned by this point that arguing, with either of them, was essentially pointless unless you had a very good reason to question their decisions. Remus in particular; where Sirius would get argumentative when he was upset, Remus would get silent. Waiting you out. And, on the rare occasions he did this, Harry had yet to prove him wrong.
"What do you want us to do?" Harry looked at Ron and Hermione. Ron nodded, looking as miserable as Harry, but Hermione kept her focus on Sirius and Remus. She made up her mind last night. Why doesn't she have as much trouble believing this?
Remus sat down behind his desk and looked at them. "We need you to have a conversation within earshot of Draco. I don't think that you walking up to him and confronting him on his involvement with the League would be a good idea. I don't think he's at that point. He is helping Snape; Snape made certain that Draco would be at Malfoy's to set us free…."
"After he made sure Malfoy knew to capture you…." Muttered Ron, in an insolent tone.
Remus was not happy with the interruption. "Ron," he said, in the darkest tone Harry had ever heard from Remus, startling him, "do not interrupt me. Particularly in that frame of voice. Am I making myself clear?"
Ron, chastened, just nodded.
Remus continued in a lighter, more normal tone. "We cannot afford at this point to start bickering amongst ourselves, don't you see? We understand that this is not a welcome, or an easily accepted, piece of news. But it is a fact. And we need every advantage we can take. If you truly want to be more involved, we are offering you that opportunity. And we expect you to take on the responsibility that involvement brings with it. I do not doubt for a moment," he finally smiled at them, "that you are not worthy of that responsibility. I know you are."
"We need to get inside the wellspring when, hopefully, it is not hosting a plethora of Death Eaters. The only way to ensure that is to guarantee that there is something more interesting going on elsewhere. Something as mundane as a meeting of the League will not suffice. We need to offer something more intriguing. And, it so happens, Lucius has now confirmed that we have not one but two things he would love to get his hands on."
"Dumbledore and Sirius," said Hermione, quietly.
Sirius smiled at her. "Exactly. Moony here isn't all that tempting; too many people know now that he's 'an untrustworthy dark creature'," Sirius' expression looked a little dangerous as he said this, "but the chance to get me? And to prove that Dumbledore is consorting with me? Too good to pass up. And not something you go to do on your own. Malfoy, if he sticks to type, will not only come himself, but will bring his best Death Eaters with him, as back up."
Sirius now sat down himself, rather heavily in the chair next to Remus and leaned his head on his hand. "So, what we think is best is that Harry and Ron have a rather careless conversation near Draco. Basically detailing that this is what we've come up with, but need to make sure Lucius believes. If it goes as we think it should, Draco will contact us directly, and offer to help. Or he may go through Snape, but either way. The key is that Lucuis hears this from Draco, whom he trusts completely. If he hears it from anyone else, he might do a little snooping. But thinking his son has gotten the best of a very careless Mr. Potter? He'd just love that."
"What if Draco doesn't in fact contact you, or say anything to Snape?" asked Hermione.
"Then we will assume we were wrong in our assumptions, Hermione," said Remus quietly, "and try to decide what to do from there."
"So…so you do have doubts," said Harry, trying very hard not to sound accusatory and get told off by Remus or Sirius.
Remus just nodded at looked at Sirius before replying.
"Of course we have doubts, Harry. We never said we didn't. All we want you to understand is that we feel more strongly that Draco is to be trusted and can help. If we're wrong, we're wrong. You can be cross with us then."
"Just promise us one thing," added Sirius. "I don't think that Draco should know we told you all of this. Don't treat him any differently; don't talk to him about this. If he wanted his actions to be known, Snape wouldn't be so difficult about it. I think Draco is struggling with making some decisions right now. And that makes him dangerous. People don't change overnight, you're right about that. So be very careful. Believe me," he added in a miserable tone, "I appreciate the consequences of trusting the wrong people."
***
Potions finally ended. Thanks to Ron, he and Harry managed to get through with a reasonable mark. They left, following Hermione and Cecelia Carrington, who seemed deep in conversation about something. Harry found himself staring at Hermione's back. How can she be so calm? This was all her idea anyway…. Hermione had been the one to suggest that the best opportunity Ron and Harry would have to let Draco 'overhear' them would be after the Prefect's regular monthly meeting with Dumbledore. Draco would easily believe that he and Ron were hanging about waiting for Hermione; she would make sure that Cecelia was actually delayed from returning with Draco by talking to her about something. Harry and Ron agreed; the next meeting was in two days.
The Gryffindors and Slytherins made their way out of the dungeons to get to the Great Hall for lunch. Harry wasn't really paying attention to anything, thinking again of all of the things that could go wrong with what they were about to do. Suddenly, though, he heard Hermione raise her voice ahead of them.
"Draco Malfoy, what is your problem?"
Harry saw Ron's head snap up at that, and they both moved forward around the corner to find Hermione, Cecelia and Malfoy standing outside the entrance of the dungeons glaring at each other.
"What now, Granger? I said nothing to you…"
"I am sick of your attitude Malfoy! I will not be spoken to like that!"
Draco actually looked puzzled as well as angry.
"Cecelia, get away from this woman. I can't believe you even consider her worth your time…."
At that, Ron jumped forward and grabbed Malfoy by the collar before Harry could stop him.
"Watch it, Malfoy. My wand's fixed now, you pompous git."
Draco pulled back, slapping Ron's hand. "Have you finally gone mad, Weasly? Get off me."
"Apologise to Hermione!"
"For what? Off with you, idiot…." Draco turned to go. But that was enough for Ron, who threw up an arm to stop him.
"I said apologise you evil little ferret! We're not so easily intimidated by you anymore, we've grown up a bit. Why haven't you?"
Draco went slightly pink. Before Harry could do anything, Draco snarled and grabbed Ron's robes in return.
"What the hell is your problem? Are you the only one who doesn't see that you're in love with the mudblood here? You're acting like an idiot; you're the one who needs to grow up, not hide behind these pathetic amateur theatrics…."
Harry realized one second too late that Ron was pulling back to punch Draco. Ron! Who's screwing it up for Snuffles now…. Harry pumped forward just as Ron and Draco went down heavily on the flagstones, tripping over Ron and falling with them. Just as McGonagal arrived.
"Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley and Mr. Malfoy! What are you doing?"
Draco stood up with a snarl, glaring at Ron and Harry before regaining his composure enough to turn to McGonagal.
"Professor…."
"I expect better behaviour from the sixth years, for goodness sake. What on earth are you thinking? Detention, all of you. Report to Professor Spout tomorrow evening. Mr. Malfoy, I am not interested in hearing any excuses. Ten points each from your houses. Go to lunch." She left.
Draco looked ready to kill. He turned to Ron and Harry with a red face.
"What the hell is wrong with you two? What was the point of that? McGonagal's right, second years have better control that you two idiots." He grabbed his things and stormed into the great Hall, Cecelia close behind.
Harry could hardly believe what had just happened. Tomorrow? Now what? We're not going to be able to …Sirius is going to have a fit. Harry looked at Ron, who had a stunned expression still on his face, like he couldn't believe he'd just done something so stupid. Then Harry turned to Hermione.
She was smiling at them.
Harry gawked at her. "What, what, can you possibly be smiling about? You've just gone and screwed up our chance to…." But Hermione silenced him with a wave of her hand, then grabbed both him and Ron by the sleeve and pulled them to the side.
"This is much better, don't you see? As soon as Snape said Professor Sprout was next on the list for detention, I suddenly realised that this was a much better option than what we had planned." She was still smiling happily. Ron was not as happy, however.
"Hermione, what are you talking about?" he said in an angry whisper.
"Look, I've always been a little worried that Draco would be suspicious of just 'happening' to overhear you two hanging around the corridors. But now, with you all in detention, it's much more likely that he would in fact overhear something you have to say, right? He'll take this much more to heart, and be much more likely to assume you've made a mistake. He certainly won't suspect that you're being any nicer to him because Remus and Snuffles told you he was to be trusted, right?" she managed to whisper all of that in an excited tone without taking a single breath.
Harry blinked. Then, reluctantly, nodded. She's right. But… "Hermione, you realize that Snuffles is about to get an owl telling him that I go into a fight with Draco. You know Dumbledore tells him these things, not the Dursleys. He'll have a fit."
"For goodness sake, Harry, he will probably care less."
"No, he's going to be mad about this one. He made me promise not to get into anything with Draco and jeopardize this."
Ron sighed. "Remus made me promise the same thing. We're going to hear about this one."
Hermione seemed unmoved. "We'll send Pig right now with a note to say what's up."
"That'll be worse," groaned Harry. "He'll be mad we risked it. Better just deal with the consequences later."
Hermione picked up her bags. "Nonsense. I write to Katie all the time. I'll send her a note explaining what I did, and she'll explain it to them. How's that?"
Ron finally gave a weak smile. "Well, I definitely would feel better with Katie to back us up. God, what are we going to have to do for Sprout?"
***
That afternoon, Harry lay down on his bed to take a rest and just think about everything for a few minutes. Hermione better be right about this. Actually, what she said makes sense. Tomorrow is going to be a long night.
Harry sat up and pulled out the album of photos of his parents that Hagrid had made for him years ago. He absently looked through the pages, smiling at the pictures, and calmed down a little. He tried again to remember what they had been like, but it was no good, he was too little when…. Even when Remus and Sirius told him stories about what it had been like, when they had been there, he couldn't remember. Sometimes he wondered if maybe the reason he had become close to them now was some sort of residual memory of what it had been like when he was a baby and they had been there then. That's probably just what Katie calls 'dangerous over thinking'.
He finally reached the page with the picture of his parents wedding. His only picture of Sirius. He stared at it for a while. This picture had given him nightmares once, when he thought Sirius was the one who…I can't even think about that anymore. Knowing how much all of that still hurts him.
This was the one thing he and Sirius had never spoken about. Harry knew that Sirius still blamed himself for his parents' deaths in some way. He just couldn't bring himself to talk about it. What good would come of it?
He looked back at the picture, smiling a little at the happy people smiling back at him. While Sirius finally resembled this man in the picture again, he had never, in Harry's memory, looked so happy and utterly confident and proud as the man in this picture. That Sirius is gone. That's what he lost.
Remus had confessed to Harry that he was the one who had sent that picture, and was pleased that Hagrid had in fact included it.
"I wasn't sure Hagrid would put it in there. I didn't even sign my name to the owl, ashamed that Hagrid would be furious that I had even dared to do it. But; well, it seemed important. That Sirius, the Sirius in the picture, was your father's best friend. That was the Sirius who cried when your parents asked him to be your godfather, he was so touched. That wasn't the man who…. Remus had trailed off, and gazed out the window. Finally he looked back at Harry. "Maybe, Harry, part of me never accepted what we thought had happened. Part of me always wanted to believe that there had been some terrible mistake."
"And that part was right."
Remus just smiled sadly at him before Harry shifted his own gaze away. "Yes. But that Sirius is gone forever. Just as the man I was then is gone. At the time, we were all far to young to believe anything could ever change us all so profoundly."
Harry looked back at Remus, whose own gaze had gone back to Malcolm, who was sleeping quietly. Harry looked at Malcolm too, and finally got the nerve to ask Remus what he'd wanted to ask him for years. Because I don't think I'll ever have the nerve to ask Sirius.
"Remus?
"Yes?"
"Sirius still blames himself, doesn't he?"
Remus said nothing for a long while. Then he shook his head. "Harry, I don't really know what to say to that. Sirius will always, always, feel a terrible guilt over trusting Peter with your parents' lives, with not taking the role of secret keeper, like James and Lily wanted. He truly thought he was doing the right thing." Remus stopped, but Harry could tell that he had something else to say, so just waited.
Remus looked at him, a deep sadness in his eyes. "Harry, Sirius and I have made our own peace over what happened. Nothing can change it. But you and he, well, you need to make your own peace. You need to talk with him yourself, I can't do it for you. I can't be the intermediary in this. I'm sorry."
Harry nodded. Remus was right. "I don't think…. Remus, nothing will change it, like you said. Maybe we never will talk about it. What good would it do? It'll just upset Sirius." And me.
Remus smiled now, quietly. "Harry, I know you're too old now to believe that. Someday, you will talk about it. You have to, just like I did."
"Did it help?"
Remus now stood to pick up Malcolm, who was waking up. "It hurt, Harry. I know what you're asking. There will never be a time it doesn't hurt. But at some point, all walls need to be burned down. I know that you and Sirius have grown close. I know he loves you as much as he ever did, and so do you. Did it help us? Yes, it did. As horrible as it was, it did help us. And the only reason we could have the conversation was because we are as close as we ever were. Sometimes we have to have the worst conversations with the people who mean the most to us." Remus held Malcolm closely. "I'm going to face some horrible conversations with Malcolm, Harry," Remus continued quietly. "But I can't not have them. I just have to trust that he'll know I love him. Do you understand?"
Harry closed the album and then closed his eyes. Sirius knows what he means to me. I know he does. He knows nothing will change that….
Harry finally stood up and got ready for dinner when he heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Neville walked in to drop off his books.
"Hey, Neville."
"Hi. Harry. Taking a nap?"
"No, just thinking. Going to dinner?"
"Just after I wash up."
"I'll wait for you."
Neville smiled and went into the bathroom. Harry thought about what it must be like for Neville, with his parents still alive, but unable to recognize him. Neville never talked about them, and still didn't know that Harry even knew about them. He'd asked Sirius once if he knew the Longbottoms. Sirius said they had been very nice people, a few years older than them. He was shocked and saddened when Remus explained to him what had happened to them. That's worse, I think. To be so close, but to know that nothing you do will ever make a difference. Harry was once again grateful for at least having Sirius, and Remus, in his life. They're not a substitute, but they're a pretty good alternative.
Neville returned and they went down to the common room to meet the others. Harry sighed as he listened to Neville go on about some herbology problem he was dealing with.
Herbology. Greenhouses. Everything goes right back to Draco, doesn't it?