Number 1 on the Agenda: My old name was HfromOz. Before that it was HGfromOz. Now it's LongLongHair. It might change to twelveeyes if I feel like it and LongLongLegz annoys me enough about it.
Number 2 on the Agenda: If anyone has any ideas about what exactly the Flywizards Torment should entail-clothing etc. (swimsuit parade?) or the Pince-Nez of Autobarn-it's getting on my nerves about what to write, please help me by emailing or reviewing. (A/N written 2nd of Nov)
Number 3 on the Agenda: There is no number 3. Let's go straight on to number 4!
#4 otA: Sorry for this crap. I can't help myself. PLEASE R/R! I need it badly to find out what you people want!
The Flylizards Torment(but not for long!)
Part Three
Snake cackled as he put the finishing touches to the adulterated version of the Flylizards Torment rulebook. It was the only one in the world, but now it said "Flywizards Torment", and the torment was a competition between good-looking witches and wizards. "Mwahahahahaha! Now they will pay for the injustice done to me!"
Snake had previously been in the Mini Flylizards Torment, and had sorely lost against Jammed Potamus and Serious Bleak, the other two contestants. He had been terribly humiliated, but swore revenge on the day that it would be brought back. It had been scribbled out of the 10-page school curriculum planner some 25 years ago.
"I just can't wait until I see the look on their faces." Snake was dancing around the dungeon, a big smile on his face. McGoneagirl poked her head around the door.
"Snake?" McGoneagirl said questioningly.
"Uh…" Snake stopped mid-leap and landed on the floor.
"I won't mention this if you do a favour for me." McGoneagirl raised her eyebrows at the adulterated version of the Flylizards Torment and smiled.
"Ummmm…" Snake thought for a minute, "Okay then." He sighed and sat down on a table.
"I want you go to the Halloween ball dressed as a purple people eater. I'm going as a giant beer keg, and Albus is going as-" McGoneagirl started giggling, "as-as a toilet seat!"
Snake looked uncertain at this. "And my green pickle costume was all ready to go too…"
McGoneagirl started laughing again. "Green pickle! That's just as good! I know, you're coming as a cross between a purple people eater and a green pickle!" McGoneagirl now was holding her sides, she was laughing that hard.
"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea…" Snake started, but then changed his mind when he thought of what would happen to him if McGoneagirl split on what he was doing before he started dancing around the room. Snake sighed and returned to his desk, which had turned into a pig this time. (Although he didn't find that out until he tried to open a drawer, pulling on one of its ears.) "What in the name Voldemort is this!" he yelped as he jumped up and back from his pisk (pig-desk), still staring at it.
"Commandment number one:" McGoneagirl said icily, all traces of her humour gone, "Never take Lord Voldemort's name in vain."
"What the-?" Snake asked, looking at McGoneagirl now.
"Never take Lord Voldemort's name in vain." She reiterated, slowly and carefully, enunciating every syllable to make sure he knew what she was talking about.
"But-but-but-you said his name!" Snake was now cowering very un-Snake like in the corner that happened to house his pure Austrian lead crystal bottle set.
"Well, after all that Harry's done," Her face softened visibly, "I don't think it's any problem for me to start saying—" she was cut off by Snake.
"My mark's burning. Who are you? Or should I say, what are you?" Snake jumped up onto the bookshelf behind him, smashing his pure Austrian lead crystal bottles numbers 1 through 5 in the process.
McGoneagirl burst out laughing again. "Haven't you heard the revised ten commandments? Hairy, Wronky and Harmonious wrote it as an amusement during portions a few weeks ago. Everyone was reciting it."
Snake slowly shook his head. "And to think that I didn't catch them. Can I take points for an alleged piece of insolence written in my class?" He looked at her hopefully.
McGoneagirl renewed her laughter. "You haven't heard? Well, I'll give them to you after the Halloween ball if you're good." She became mock-stern and shook a finger at him. "You behave yourself, Severed Snake. Oh, and the answer is no." With one last giggle, she walked out of the dungeon, nearly bumping into the door on the way.
Snake just stared after her, as if the basillisp had looked at him. "That woman." Was all he could say, until he finally realised it was one o'clock, and that if he didn't get moving, he wouldn't get any lunch.
***
The Great Hall, lunch time
"Hungry, hungry I am hungry, table, table here I come, I could eat a goosemoose burger, fifteen pickles and a purple plum." Wronky cheerfully sand as he piled his plate high with food. Harmonious, who was already eating, stopped chewing her food. "What did you just say?" she said before trying to swallow her half chewed mouthful, then continued to chew, then swallow successfully.
"Hungry, hungry I am hungry, table, table here I come, I could eat a goosemoose burger, fifteen pickles and a purple plum." Wronky sang again as Hairy sat down on the other side of Wronky, holding a piece of parchment. "What the hell was that?" he demanded as he read the parchment.
"Oh, nothing in particular." Wronky replied, looking a little red.
"That was the food song!" Harmonious interjected joyfully, "And I know the second verse!"
Hairy groaned. "Please, no, I don't need that while I'm eating."
Harmonious looked hurt. "Aw, come on, my singing isn't that bad, is it?"
Hairy looked grim for a moment, then told her, "It's not the singing, it's the song."
Wronky protested at this. "But it's a good song!" he said.
"How can you eat fifteen pickles?" Hairy asked him.
"Easy. Just like this." Wronky shoved around 7 pickles into his mouth and chewed.
"Ugh." Hairy said and looked away, "pickles!"
Wronky swallowed. "Don't you like pickles?" he asked.
"Nope. Never have since Dudley stuck one up his—" Hairy looked slightly green at this, and stopped.
"Stuck a pickle up what?" Harmonious leaned closer to hear, taking a bite out of a juicy apple. A couple of drops of juice landed on Wronky's face, another few landed on Hairy's glasses. "Oh, sorry." She said, "Continue on, Hairy." She gestured with the apple.
"Up his-no, it was actually through his head." Hairy looked positively sick.
"Through his head? You mean in one ear and out the other?" Wronky now was very interested. "Even Fred couldn't do that."
"Well, it went in his nose and out through his ear. Although when he tried to pull it out, his fat fingers pushed it back in, and it came out his other ear. By this time," Hairy paused when he saw that the whole Greedygore table was staring at him, "his mother was there, and she got it out for him."
Harmonious was amazed. "Are you sure Dudley's an entire muggle? You know, not everyone can shove a pickle through his head and come out alive."
Hairy sighed. "Thankfully, he doesn't. When they took him to get an X-ray, it turned out that there wasn't anything in his head."
"But how can anyone survive without a brain?" Harmonious asked, always practical (Well, nearly always)
"This was when he was three." Hairy explained, "He grew a brain when he was five."
"Can we start eating again?" Wronky asked, acutely aware that the whole school, including the Zitherpins and the teachers were listening. Immediately the sounds of cutlery and crockery clinking together started up again.
Draino decided to take his daily (or more) stroll to the Greedygore table to insult Hairy and co soon after that. "Excuse me." He nodded at Cribbe, Doily and Panty (Picture Mum was sulking at the other end of the table, and Draino didn't pay any attention to him), "I have to have a chat with Potamus." He dabbed the corners of his mouth, smoothed his hair and got up. He resisted straightening his robes and sniffing his armpits, and walked over to the Greedygores, or more specifically, Hairy.
"Whaddaya want, Malfunction?" Hairy said. Draino scowled, then smiled painfully. "I hear your cousin didn't grown a brain until he was five."
Hairy nodded. "That's true." He said.
"I was just wondering if it runs in the family." Draino asked casually.
"As a matter of fact, yes." Hairy answered calmly, "I don't think my Uncle Vernon has quite grown his brain yet."
Draino scowled. "I meant you, Potamus." Wronky made to get up, but was restrained by a surprisingly firm hand from Harmonious.
"Oh, well I do believe my brain grew at the correct time, unlike yours, Malfunction. I heard somewhere that yours grew too early and that now it's all dry and withered up." Hairy smiled at him.
"The nerve of you, Potamus." Draino whispered angrily as he stalked back to his table.
"Touchy, touchy." Harmonious commented. She saw Draino had paused in his obviously planned storm. Now he was coming back-not heading towards Hairy or Wronky, or Never, even. He was heading towards her, and she felt panicked for a moment.
"Oh, and Grudger, I shall see you tonight at the ball. Shouldn't be too hard to pick you out with that head of hair." Draino pulled out a piece of elaborate jewellery. "I might give this to you."
"Hey! That's from his mum's personal collection!" Hairy pointed at the silver chain, which visibly had NM inscribed into the clasp. Wronky burst out laughing. "His mum's personal collection. His mother has a personal collection of jewellery. What else could it be? An impersonal collection?" Wronky tried to put another spoonful of whatever he was eating, it looked a lot like pudding, into his mouth, but failed because he was laughing too hard.
Draino scowled and resumed his stalk back to his table.
"That was an interesting display, don't you think? She asked Hairy, who was silent with thought. She dabbed at the corners of her mouth, and gave them each a pat on the head as she got up. "I'm off to the library now, you know, we've got the afternoon off."
"What?" Wronky shot out of his seat, hoping for some free time with her.
"Yes. To prepare for tonight's Halloween Ball." Harmonious replied with absolutely no positive feelings, "I have no costume yet and I need one."
"What the hell has the library got to do with costumes?" Wronky was confused.
"I'm looking for spells." Harmonious stated plainly, "I need the costume that will conceal my identity the most."
"Whatever for?" Wronky asked.
"To get rid of Malfunction." Harmonious sighed, feeling depressed, "He's been staring at me since-oh, I don't know, could've been after Fried and Grog put that love portion in his soup. Did something to his brain, if he does have one." She finished with great difficulty as she remembered the conversation, if you could call it that, that they had only a few minutes ago with Draino.
Wronky took her by her shoulders, "Just as long as I know what you're going as." He said firmly, "I don't want to end up dancing with someone else who just happens to look quite a bit like you."
Harmonious smiled. "You won't. I promise, you'll know who I am." She walked out of the Grate Wall purposefully, in the direction of the library.
Hairy, meanwhile, looked murderous as he considered Wronky and Harmonious together-without the love portion.
***
"Oh god." Harmonious ran her hands through her hair, which had escaped its ribbon that was supposedly tying it back. "I'm so tired." She slumped in her chair. Partvarti and Leavenedhair both reassured her that they'd find something for her to wear. They had looked through all the books in the library about Halloween costumes, and that was quite a few.
"Well, Harmonious, I'm going as Britney Spears. Perhaps you could come as Christina Aguilera?" Leavendhair suggested.
"Not with my hair I couldn't. I'd look more like a freak in skimpy clothing with my hair." Harmonious sighed.
"I know! You can come as an Ewok!. They're from Star Wars." Partvarti said. "You do know Star Wars, don't you?" she added as Harmonious looked even more depressed than she was already.
"I know Star Wars very well. In fact, I can quote Yoda." Harmonious brightened as she remembered her one-time favourite movie series. She had moved on to Star Trek. There was a lot more of that to watch on TV and read about. "Try not. Do, do. Or do not. There is no try." Harmonious brightened a bit. "I'll go as Princess Leia!"
Partvarti looked disgusted. "You as Princess Leia? Impossible!" She started laughing very ungraciously. Madman Mince glared at them as she passed with an armful of books.
Leavenedhair thought about it. "How are you going to find the time to do your hair? I mean, those buns take a very long time to get right."
"Simple," Harmonious said, "Magic, of course. And I know just the charm too." She smiled to herself in anticipation, thinking of how Wronky would look at her when he saw her pure white pieces of-well, not much, actually.
"And your dress?" Partvarti asked, "What are you going to do about that? Even I don't have any clothing quite up to that standard."
Harmonious gave the same reply. "Magic, of course. How else did you think I was going to get a dress made in such a short time?"
"How about…the House Elves?" Leavenedhair said to rile her.
"The HOUSE ELVES?!?!!" Harmonious verily shouted. "How dare you insult them?"
Leavenedhair shrugged her shoulders. "Why not? I mean, you're their friend. It would seem like a favour, wouldn't it?"
"In any case, I'm going to keep to using my magic. I'll leave the house elves out of this one." Harmonious waved her wand and all the books flew back into their rightful places. She got up and walked angrily back to the Greedygore common room.
"I wonder how she did that?" Leavenedhair said to Partvarti as she left, "It would make my life so much easier."
They heard a faint voice from outside the hall. "It's called practice!"
Leavenedhair and Partvarti looked at each other. "It's what comes of too much studying. Sad, isn't it?" Partvarti said. Leavenedhair nodded, and turned back to a book she had about hairstyles. "Now how should I wear my hair? Up, down, out, curled?" she asked.
***
"So, Harmonious." Draino said as he easily caught up with Harmonious, who was still walking furiously fast. "Have you made up your mind about tonight?" he smiled at her fondly, and brushed a strand of hair away from her face.
"Get away from me, Malfunction!" She moved away from him, not breaking her stride as she started up the stairs that would lead to the Greedygore portrait hole.
"Why do you scorn me so?" Draino mused as he stood there at the bottom of the stairs, quite by himself. He sighed. "I'll just have to reform myself even more. Father won't like this at all."
Harmonious slammed into the Greedygore common room. She looked at the clock on the wall. "Shoot! 4:30 and I haven't even started on my dress!" she said to no-one in particular, then raced up to her dorm to get out her charms books.
Ten minutes later…
"That's the last of it." Harmonious sat back and sighed, looking at her creation contemplatively. Leavenedhair and Partvarti came in, chatting about who they'd like to dance with, "Hairy, of course." And "No, that cute fifth-year is better".
Then they saw Harmonious' costume. Their eyes grew round in surprise. "You're going to wear that to the Halloween ball?" Leavenedhair said after a few moments of complete silence.
"Yes, I suppose so." Harmonious sighed again, "It's not nearly half as good as I wanted it to be, but with what little time I had…" she trailed off and collapsed onto her bed.
"But it's wonderful!" Partvarti exclaimed.
"I guess. Now I'll have to do my hair." Harmonious was utterly exhausted, and she felt like she could sleep for a hundred years.
"No, no, we'll do your hair and your makeup." Leavenedhair had underestimated Harmonious' creative skills, and was amazed at the delicacy of the dress, which seemed like it was just a few wisps of nothing. She could never expect to make something like that, let alone buy it. It would cost hundreds of galleys, and her parents would never let her wear it anyway.
Harmonious refused their offers as gracefully as she could manage, then set her alarm for 5 and promptly went to sleep.
***
Meanwhile, Wronky and Hairy were discussing costume plans, as somehow they had been missed in the announcements for a Halloween ball.
"So what are you going as?" Wronky asked Hairy.
Hairy grinned. "I was thinking of coming as the one and only…Hairy Potamus!"
Wronky frowned. "I don't think that's such a good idea-it would only further your good guy image. And what's more, you look really corny. I was going to come as He-who-musty-knot-be-rained-on, but now that I think of it…" Hairy cut him off.
"I'll come as Bombed Fiddle!" he said with glee, "I won't have to do much, just find some clothing from the 50's, and seeing as Hogwarts robes were the same back then, I won't have much to do."
Wronky was stumped. "That's all very well for you, what about me?" He scratched his head and thought for a while.
Harmonious stumbled in, looking sleepy. "Wassup?" she said and yawned.
"Harmonious, are you okay?" Hairy and Wronky stopped fooling around when she collapsed on Wronky's bed.
"Oh, sure. Just a little tired." She yawned again, and put something that was in her fist down on the bed.
"What's that?" Hairy pointed at the white, shimmering thing.
"That's my costume. I made it myself." Harmonious got up from the bed with Wronky's help.
"You made that? How much time did you spend on it? Five minutes?" Hairy snorted.
"Ten, actually." She stumbled and then whispered something that made her wide-awake. "That's much better now." Harmonious held up the shimmery stuff, which unfolded to look like a very, very skimpy dress.
"Ten minutes on that piece of crap?" Wronky poked at it with his wand in disdain, "I'll certainly know who you are if you turn up in that."
Harmonious screwed up her nose for a second. "I'm supposed to be Princess Leia. You know, the one with the buns for hair?"
Wronky wrinkled his brow. "No. Did you say buns for hair?" he said hopefully, thinking that if he stole away with her, he could eat them for dessert.
"Not that kind of bun." She turned to Hairy. "Surely you know of the Star Wars trilogy?"
Hairy made a face. "Yeah. Dudley always was for the Dark Side. You know, Vader and all them. He wanted to be the Grand Moff Tarkin, but I kept telling him he was too fat. I was rooting for Luke, Leia and Han, though."
Harmonious grinned. "You go, uh…guy?" she ended lamely. "Well, in any case," she continued, "this is a magic dress. It's not see through, although it seems so, so you can't look, Wronky." She gave him a playful, admonishing look. "My hair I'll do with magic as well." Harmonious glanced up at the clock. "Oh cripes! I'm gonna be late!" she rushed out of the room with her 'dress', calling quick goodbyes to Hairy and Wronky. "She's gonna be late?" Wronky said to Hairy. Hairy just shook his head.
Wronky thought about his costume for a bit, before thinking of Hairy's divisibility coke.
"Hairy, what's a famous person who was beheaded?" Wronky asked, a plan forming in his head.
"Marie Antoinette." Was Hairy's immediately reply. "Wait a minute, you're not thinking of—"
"Yeah, yes I am!" Wronky jumped with glee. "We're using your invisibility cloak."
Hairy frowned. "We?"
"Well, only me. You can still go as Bombed Fiddle." Wronky said.
Hairy sighed. "Oh well. I guess…but then won't it be a little hard to dance with Harmonious if she doesn't know where your head is?"
"No, no, no!" Wronky said impatiently, "I'm coming as her head."
"Sneaky." Hairy nodded his approval, secretly wishing that Harmonious and Wronky would break up. "I'll still come as Bombed Fiddle, then."
And so their costume problems were solved.
A/N: Stupid ending, isn't it? Best I could do, I wanted to get this up before the long weekend. (Yes, it's Cup Day next Tuesday in Victoria, Australia, and we get Monday off as well) I'll continue writing this, so keep your eyes peeled. (If you got this far, you either must be devoted, stupid, or you just skipped to the end.) The ten commandments mentioned will hopefully be up sometime in the near future.
Disclaimer: Some of the stuff above belongs to JK Rowling. Some other stuff belongs to George Lucas and Co. I only own the plot? (I don't know about that.)