Vertias 13
Thanksgiving is over. If you are reading this, I'm assuming you survived. Actually, all things considered, it was calmer here than had been anticipated. The ban on discussing the election lasted through two football games, cocktails and most of the main course.
And because these things do bother me – did I really type 10 Privet Drive in the last chapter? I did! What a twit. Residual effects of cold medications, continuing election anxiety, 17 people roaming about looking for turkey…really there's no excuse. My bad.
So now what? Sirius works through an anxiety attack while they wait to hear if Malfoy took the bait….
***
Sirius threw the book he had been trying to read all morning across the room, where it landed heavily with an oddly satisfying smack somewhere behind his desk. He was finding it difficult to concentrate on anything. That was making him anxious, because now he really needed to get it together. He was freezing cold, and the buzzing and voices were intruding on him again, making him think more about what could go wrong than how he was going to make sure it didn't. Stop it, Black. It's almost time. Draco went home this weekend; he's in serious trouble for getting into a fight with Harry. I remember being 'summoned' once or twice myself. At least, with any luck, he'll get off with a minimal reprimand once he let's our little cat out of the bag in front of Lucius.
Sirius' concentration and mood had been deteriorating since last weekend, when Remus had woken him up in the middle of the night.
"Sirius? Wake up; Hedwig and another owl have just arrived. It looks like Malfoy's bird."
Sirius had stumbled, bleary eyed from his sleeping draught, down to the kitchen with Remus. Hedwig perched, tall and proud, on the back of one of the chairs. As soon as Sirius appeared she hopped onto the table and went up to him to give him her note. Hedwig glared at the eagle owl who gave something to Remus, and turned her back to it.
"Well?" asked Sirius, in a dark tone.
"Draco wants to know what we need. I'm not certain I should write it down. Maybe I can arrange to talk to him personally with Dumbledore."
Sirius nodded, and quickly read Harry's note, and raised an eyebrow.
"Draco went to him? That's interesting," he yawned. Then he tapped the note absently on the table top, scowling. "You know, maybe you talking with Draco face to face is the best idea. Then you can really get a good look at him, and see if he really does seem, well…."
"Are you exploiting my ability to smell fear, Padfoot?" Remus asked in a joking tone.
But Sirius didn't feel like joking, and responded irritably, "I think I'm making good use of your senses to make sure we're not about to get ourselves killed."
Remus looked at him. "Sirius, you've been in a foul mood ever since we sent everyone back to Hogwarts. And you weren't in the best of moods before that."
Sirius couldn't see why Remus managed to speak with such a light voice under the current circumstances. I hate it when he's just so damn calm about everything! Not really thinking, he snapped back, "Well one of us needs to keep this in perspective, Remus! You've got more to loose than any of us, so perhaps you should be taking this a little more seriously!"
Remus flushed a little, but bit back whatever he was about to say. Instead, he just grabbed some parchment from the bureau and some quills. He set the ink down with a loud clank between them, tossed one of the quills at Sirius, and started to write a note. Sirius grabbed a piece of parchment and hastily wrote his own note, being careful not to let his current agitation with Remus show up in the letter, as sending Harry a letter with a 'bad tone' would only upset him further, and Sirius had enough to feel guilty about. He gave the note to Hedwig, sent her back out into the night, and sat back down. Remus didn't look at him.
Fine. Sulk. I'm not apologizing.
Remus finished what he was working on, gave the letter to the other owl, and then put everything away. So bloody neat. Wait 'till Malcolm starts leaving things about the house, you fastidious git. Remus turned and walked out of the kitchen in silence.
Sirius and Remus spoke less and less over the next few days, and went out of their way to avoid each other. Katie started giving them both looks around Tuesday afternoon, but as usual said nothing and stayed out of it. Sirius also started to avoid Liz, because he was more and more confused and despondent about whatever chance for a real relationship they might have, and just plain angry that his life was such a disaster. Liz seemed to just take this in stride, and said nothing to him, and was her usual calm and self-assured self whenever he did see her.
Remus did speak to Sirius, in his most calm, polite and controlled tones, after he had had the chance to meet with Malfoy.
"I have just finished talking to Draco. If it is any consolation, I am more firmly convinced than ever that he has made the conscious decision to work against his father. Dumbledore and I have explained what we need from him, and Draco feels that it is actually a very good idea. Lucius will defiantly try to be the one to personally recapture you. As it turns out, Lucius is so angry with Draco for getting into a fight with Harry, whom he was specifically told to stay away from, that Draco has been told to go home this weekend. When he returns on Sunday night, we will know whether or not this will work." Suddenly Remus' calm tone took on an edge. "Think you can control yourself until then?"
Sirius gave him a murderous glance. "I guess I'll just have to try, won't I?"
Remus left him, muttering "selfish idiot!" under his breath.
Around Thursday morning, Sirius had finally started feeling more guilty than angry. A lot of people are depending on me. Especially Harry. James told me to look after him, to make sure he was okay. I certainly haven't had much of a chance, thanks to my own ineptitude, but now I seem to be heading right down the same road that screwed everything up the first time.
But when he went down to lunch, thinking he should say something to Remus and stop the silent treatment, Remus' expression suggested that he was in no mood to hear what Sirius had to say. I've finally completely gotten on his nerves.
"Sirius. Katie, Malcolm and I are going to London for the weekend, to see Katie's patents. We weren't able to see them over Christmas, like we promised them. We'll be back on Sunday. You and Liz should have everything you need here."
Sirius just nodded. Remus gave him one last look, his expression softening a bit, but he just sighed as he walked out of the kitchen. I suspect he's just putting as much space between us as he can.
Sirius' suspicions about Remus' motives were confirmed the next morning when he overheard Katie talking with Liz in the front hall as she prepared to leave.
"We'll be back the day after tomorrow, so you can all get ready. There's absolutely nothing you can do until word gets back from Draco, and we won't have that until Sunday night at the earliest. Remus is, as I'm sure you noticed, rather on edge and about to pitch a fit a Sirius, even though he truly hates fighting with him. Their fights can get a little ugly."
"This hasn't been fighting?"
"Not exactly. This is more like a precursor to any real action. At this point they either make up or really go off each other. It's not pretty; imagine all that energy and intellect focused on nothing but totally angering the other. I think separating them for a day or so at least is a good idea. Will you be okay? We are leaving you two here unchaperoned…." Sirius heard Katie give a small laugh as she said this.
"I think we can handle it. Sure you don't want to leave the little marauder with us and enjoy being unchaperoned yourself? You can always see your parents later."
Katie laughed again. "I'd love it. But, as Remus pointed out, my parents haven't seen Malcolm since he was born, and we didn't make it there during Christmas like we'd planned because Remus wasn't up to it, and then once he was better the moon had come 'round again. So we owe them, and this makes sure they don't suddenly decide to come here of their own volition."
"Would they? I thought they weren't keen on the wizard world."
"They're not. But Malcolm is exciting enough that they would find a way to manage their 'issues' and come anyway. Also, they've rather taken to Remus, who is working very hard to forge a good relationship with them. So off to grandmama's house we go, right sweetie?"
"What does Remus talk to them about?"
"Oh, any number of things. Literature and history, mostly. And gardening."
"Do they know…?"
"No. That they couldn't handle. And it's none of their business. Say goodbye to Sirius for me once he's up. I've made extra doses of the light sleeping draft I give him occasionally, if he needs it. And make sure he eats."
"We'll be fine, really. Have a good time."
"Yes, well this little trip may be good for Remus' nerves, but it's going to get on mine, although I am making an effort with the old dears. Liz, be kind to Sirius. I know he's wretched company at the moment, but he's got a lot of things on his mind. You know he means well."
"I do. Don't worry."
"Me? I never worry about a thing, now do I?"
***
Liz had gone to spend Saturday morning with Mrs. Noyes, finalizing the spell for the wellspring. Sirius was actually rather glad she hadn't seen him snap and heave his book around like some five year old. They had spoken very little last night, and Sirius had gone to bed early, after dutifully eating some dinner. He had tried to write a letter to Harry, because he wanted to assure him that everything really was okay, but couldn't put anything down. He discovered that his thoughts just kept going back to the fact that Harry had had a really bad time of it, and that was because of the bad decisions Sirius had made. And now I'm right back there. Good job, James. You told me I'd be great at this godfather bit, and all I seem to do is find ways to make things worse. He finally gave up and went to sleep, grateful that Katie had left some sleeping drafts so he wouldn't dream.
Sirius left his study to just roam around the house, basically just pacing for the rest of the afternoon. Sirius had nothing more constructive to do than wait. Wait for Liz to get back, although I don't know if I really want that, being in the mood I'm in. He was more on edge than ever thinking about everything that could go wrong with what they were about to do; and this was obviously getting on everyone's nerves. That is why Remus ran out of here. It was that or get into a fight, like Katie said; we all saw that coming.
Sirius ended up in Remus' study, staring intently at the pictures over the mantelpiece. He looked for a long time at a picture of himself, Remus and James, standing in the meadow, talking animatedly about something. We were 16 then. We'd become animagi, and we were invincible. Just look at us. Angrily, he turned from the fireplace to stand in front of Remus' desk instead. He looked down at the ancient desk, lost in thought. This had been Mr. Lupin's desk. I remember standing in front of it many times when I was that impossibly young boy back there. It's still here; it hasn't changed. An odd an anchor in my rather chaotic life. I wonder if Mr. Lupin was sitting here when they told him about me.
He absently traced a finger over the knot in the grain at the top of the desk, thinking back. It's odd the things I do remember, because there's so much I lost….
***
The Lupins had been very surprised to open their door that night and find Sirius standing there, his eyes red from crying and his broom slung carelessly over his shoulder, but they instantly brought him inside.
"Sirius, dear, what's wrong?" asked Mrs. Lupin, as she wrapped a blanket around his shoulders and sat him in front of the fire that was always blazing in Mr. Lupin's study. "Did you just fly here all the way from your house? Let me get you some tea, sweetheart."
Sirius just pulled the blanked closer around him, staring at the fire. He knew tonight was an especially bad night to come here, but the Potters were away…and Mr. Potter, really, was alright but…well he's not you. And he's friends with them….
He did drink the tea Mrs. Lupin pressed into his hands, but still didn't say anything. He finally glanced out the window towards the back garden. He could see the shed very clearly in the light of the full moon.
"Is Remus okay?" he finally asked, in a small voice.
Mrs. Lupin smiled at him and patted him on the shoulder as she stood to leave.
"He'll be fine, dear. I'm sure he will be very happy to see you in the morning." She left, but Sirius saw her exchanged concerned glances with her husband before she closed the door behind her. Mr. Lupin sat down behind his gigantic old desk and said nothing. After a while he picked up his quill and went back to work on whatever he was doing. Sirius just finished his tea, and tried not to think about the fight he'd just had with his own parents. I'll never do anything right for them. Nothing's good enough. So what if James finished ahead of me this year? So what? Just one more thing I didn't do right. Pembroke and Harold have never seemed to be able to spell their own names correctly, but all I ever hear about them is how wonderful and well behaved they are.
Mr. Lupin finally broke the silence. "Sirius, of course you don't have to say anything to me. I assume you came here to talk to Remus. But I do not like seeing you so upset. Is there anything I can do? Did you have a row with your parents again?"
Sirius didn't look at him, but he finally spoke. "Yes, sir."
"Parents can be bloody awful at times, can't they?"
Sirius did look up now, very surprised at this comment. Mr. Lupin was now sitting in his chair with his hands folded, smiling the same quiet and slightly sad smile Remus usually did.
"You seem to manage alright," Sirius said.
Mr. Lupin chuckled. "Thank you. But I think that if you talk with Remus you'll find that we have our share of sticky moments. Don't think Remus gets any … special treatment… from us."
Sirius shook his head. "I know that. But at least you care about him. All my parents seem to care about is what other people think about me."
"Well, I think you're a rather splendid young chap, if a little lacking in self control. But you're 15, so I can't hold that against you. So was I at your age; that's what being 15 is all about. Shall I put that in the letter I'm going to send to your house telling your parents you'll be here for a few days?"
Sirius started to say something, but Mr. Lupin held up a hand. "Young man, of course they want to know where you are and that you are alright. Don't be so unfair, particularly to yourself."
"No, sir."
Sirius stood up and came to stand in front of the huge old desk. He traced the pattern of a know near the top where he stood. Finally he looked at Mr. Lupin.
"Is it alright if I stay here a few days?" Mr. Potter would take me right home. Again.
"Of course. You are always welcome here, Sirius. Try not to break any arms this time, though. Yours or Remus'."
Sirius finally smiled. He looked back outside, then spoke again.
"Mr. Lupin? Would it be alright if I just went and sat in the garden for a while?"
Mr. Lupin's cheek twitched, and he picked up his quill again to continue writing. "Yes, son. But keep that blanket with you, and I'll be out to get you in a bit. It's very late and you should be getting some rest."
Sirius went to the door, but stopped before he walked out.
"Mr. Lupin? James and I don't sleep much these nights either."
There was a pause, and then a sigh. "I suppose not."
***
And this house was once again his refuge. He had ended up spending two weeks here that summer, before he and Remus went to visit James. Sirius had stayed at the Potters the rest of the summer, returning home only to collect his school things. His parents hadn't even been home when he did return, and his uncle had taken him to London to catch the train. His parents had left a rather chilly note that reminded him to behave himself and that if he spent more of his efforts applying himself to his work then he would have more acceptable results. And once again they pointed out that in their entire time at Hogwarts neither of them had lost so much as a point for either Gryffindor or Ravenclaw, and had never suffered the indignity of serving any detentions. That's because they were a pair of uptight bastards.
Sirius heard the front door. Liz is back. He turned to meet her, and caught a glimpse of a picture of Harry, Ron and Hermione sitting on the bookcase, looking almost the same as the one of himself, Remus and James on the mantle. They were all smiling happily at each other; this had been taken last summer, out in the meadow. Thank God Harry's happy now. Or at least, happier than he was. Everything they had feared would go wrong when he was born had happened. His parents were dead, and Harry had been forced to go live with the wretched Petunia. And his life there had been as miserable as Lily had feared it would be. Sirius wished, for the umpteenth time, that he could at least have been there, and that he could have done what James had asked him to. He was trying, now, but so much had passed, and so much had happened.
He walked into the entry hall to meet with Liz, who still managed to smile at him despite what he had been like the past week. He walked over to her, took the bags she held and put them on the table, and wrapped his arms around her.
"Liz," he whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm just…"
"Shush. Really, Sirius, I'm not being valiant, but it is okay. I understand that you're worried."
"I feel like I'm letting everyone down again. Especially Harry."
"You're not letting anyone down, Sirius. And you didn't be…"
Sirius stopped her. "I did, Liz. I made a very stupid choice."
Liz pulled back and looked at him. Then she picked up her bags again and went into the kitchen. She glanced at Sirius, and he understood that he was supposed to follow her. Once in the kitchen Liz looked at him, then at the table. He went over, and sat down, reaching to grasp one of Malcolm's toys that sat on the tabletop where it had been left.
"Harry had one of these. A toy griffin, you know. I'm not sure where he got it."
Liz looked over. "Katie won't be happy that's here. That's one of his favourites."
Sirius laughed as he ran his hand over the soft fleece on the muzzle of the toy. "She's got Remus. That's still Malcolm's favourite. This won't be too badly missed if daddy's there."
"Point taken. Uncle Padfoot seems to be rather well received, too, you know."
Sirius felt like crying. He pictured Harry, as small as Malcolm had been, and what their lives had been like then. Despite everything, everyday had been filled with so much promise. I'm so sorry, Harry. I did kill them. Maybe I didn't say the words, but… Remus had told him, reluctantly, that Harry relived that might when the Dementors came near him. He could hear them. That's the memory of James and Lily he has. Not their happy voices, talking nonsense to him. Not Lily singing to him, slightly off key but with so much love; not James teaching him to say 'Daddy'. The sound of their voices when they were dying. The last things they ever said.
Suddenly he did start to cry. It was too much. And what of Malcolm? Will I take Remus from him? Will he never remember the father who loved him so much he bursts into tears sometimes just looking at him?
Liz came over and without a word knelt next to him and wrapped her arms around him again. Sirius just leaned against her, weeping, for some time. Finally, he managed to regain his composure and he pulled back, running a hand down her impossibly calm and sympathetic face.
"Thank you," he whispered, standing up and going to stand near the window. He gazed out at the snow covering Remus and Katies' lovely garden. Liz moved to stand near him, but this time she didn't touch him. They were silent for along time, as the sun set over the meadow, and the shadows lengthened across the brick floor. The room glowed in the red light of the dusk, and Sirius leaned his head against the soothing cool windowpanes.
"Red sky at night, sailors' delight."
Sirius didn't look 'round. "What's that?"
"Red sky at night, sailors' delight. Red sky at morning, sailors take warning. There shouldn't be any weather tonight. No new snow."
Sirius had to smile. "That sounds a little too superstitious for a Ravenclaw."
"Actually, it's pretty accurate."
Sirius finally turned to look at her. Like everything else in the sunset, she seemed to glow red, especially her hair. Sirius held out his hand and was oddly grateful when she took it.
"I love you, you know. I really do. I hardly recognize myself these days. I'm not at all sure about who I am, but I do know that. I'm not sure that's very comforting."
Liz smiled at him and gave his hand a squeeze. "You're definitely a challenge, but that's alright. I think we'll get all of this worked out. I would feel better if you'd tell me why it's been so bad lately."
Sirius sighed. "I've been thinking a lot about Harry; he's really not happy with us about Draco, you know. I forced him to trust me. And what reason does he really have to do that?"
"You're his godfather, Sirius. He loves you very much, and you two have become very close. Of course he trusts you."
Sirius laughed. "You must have had a decent godfather, then. When James asked me to do this, I was stunned. I never really thought about what this was. I told him off, tried to get him to pick someone else."
Liz smiled. "I think he knew exactly what he was doing when he picked you."
He smiled back at her and shook his head. Of course he did. This was James, after all.
***
When James asked Sirius to be the baby's godfather he was stunned. "James, I'm not even sure what a godfather's supposed to do. Mine just seems to send me rather stuffy books on my birthday with a note that says he hopes I'm behaving myself. I don't appreciate that one bit, and I'm certainly not going to do that to your kid, I'll tell you right now."
James laughed, but had a serious look about him. "Sirius, a godparent is supposed to be someone that you would want to see after the well being of your child if you aren't there to do it. Lots of times I think people don't really take the job seriously; people do this more as an honorary thing, you know? Something for your best friend and all that. Well, you've been my best friend since we were five, Sirius, so that's alright. But let's face it. Things are starting to get very dangerous. Something might happen to any of us. If something happens to Lily and me, I want you to take care of the baby for us."
Sirius couldn't think of anything to say for a while, but James waited.
"James, you think I could do this? I have no parenting skills or instincts. My own parents are awful, you know that, so I've hardly had a decent example set. I'm not sure I'm up to this. Ask Remus. He has a much better picture of what proper parenting is about."
James shook his head. "I want you to be the godfather. This isn't about parenting skills, it's about protection. I can't imagine my child with a better guardian than you. Besides, let's just keep in mind that I don't have any real intention of turning this boy of girl over to you in the first place."
***
Liz sighed. "Sirius; Harry treasures you, you know that. Despite what you think you did. James made the right choice when he asked you to do this."
Sirius stood now in the near total darkness of the night. Shivering, he took out his wand and lit every lamp in the house with a single spell. Liz blinked at the sudden flood of light, but said nothing.
Sirius walked back to where she stood and looked at her.
"You need to talk about these things with Harry, Sirius."
"I know. But finding a good time? That's a little elusive."
"Maybe. Maybe you just need to do it, no matter that."
Sirius looked at her. "Can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
"Will you sleep with me tonight? Just sleep, honestly. Just… just be there. We can sleep on the couch in the front room if you like, pretend we fell asleep watching that telly…."
Liz waved a hand to silence him, but said nothing for a time. I knew it. I screwed this up….,
"Let's just go watch some telly, why don't we? It can take our minds off things. And if we fall asleep there, so be it."
Sirius smiled at her. "Thank you, Miss Harker."
"I told you before Mr. Black. I think you're worth the effort."
***
A few hours after Remus and Katie got back on Sunday, a now familiar eagle owl soared into the front room. Remus read the note, then sent the owl on its way.
"Lucius has never been more proud of his son. This Wednesday, Malfoy will be waiting to catch out Dumbledore openly consorting with a convicted murderer. The wellspring will be virtually empty. We're on."