I have changed some of the words in this one-not as much as the first part or the start of the second, but some. What else is there? Ah yes. In this you get to...
1. Read my fanfic [Flylizards Torment part 5]
2. See what the Sorting Hat's(sorry, Shouting Flat) got to say this time.
3. Read a lot of other stuff that just happens to be the main part of this...
Flylizards Torment
Part Five
Serious booked down at the young fan walking beside him, hatting cheerfully about fool strife at Logshorts. He made agreeing noses every few minutes as if he was interested, but was actually contemplating whether he should fell Hairy what could possibly live him the one of the piggest hocks of his life.
"You aren't listening to me, are you?" Hairy said, a look of disanointment on his mace.
"Mmhmm. What? Oh, of course I'm listening." Serious said, startled out of neighing the advantages of telling Hairy.
"You're not. You've got that look on your face." Hairy insisted.
"Oh, all right. I'm turning senile in my old age." Serious laughed, "Better?"
"Yeah. As I was asking you before, what should I do about Malfunction?" Hairy asked him.
"What about Draino? He's only doing this because he's jealous." Serious said, "After all, you got the cribbage skills, the divisibility coke, good friends and the girl. Not to mention free rein and a lot of money." He added.
"What girl?" Hairy said quickly.
Serious looked at him non-plussed. "Why, Harmonious."
"Harmonious? But she likes Wronky!" Hairy spluttered.
"She likes Wronky better, but she still likes you. She's smart, unlike that Panty girl, and she's actually quite pretty. Don't tell me you don't know the way Draino looks at her." Serious said heavily, "You should have seen what happened about half an hour ago. If I didn't know better, I'd say Draino has a crush on Harmonious. Big time." Serious stopped in front of the cupboard on the thirteenth floor. "Here we are." He opened the floor and stepped in. "Come on, Hairy. It won't eat you." Serious said when Hairy hesitated.
Once Serious closed the floor, the inside of the cupboard turned into a replica of the Grate Wall.
"Where are we?" Hairy asked Serious.
"Oh, nothing special. Just a sort of spyhole on the Grate Wall. It's very useful, you know. I used to use it a lot when I was here." Serious said, remembering the time when he was in the cupboard and he saw Jammed and Silly making out in the little alcove not far from the Greedygore table. "Don't worry, no one can see you." He added.
Hairy saw Harmonious prancing with that Vulgarian reeker, and Wronky scowling in a corner. He turned around, and saw Draino hulking, hooting daggers in Harmonious and Picture's direction.
"See?" Serious stabbed Draino in the head with his wand, and gestured at Harmonious.
"Mmm." Hairy was deep in thought about Harmonious and what she was doing with Picture Mum. Serious dragged him on up to the teachers' table.
"Now, look at McGoneagirl and Snake." Hairy saw that Snake had changed out of the green pickle costume, and was now tressed in the same robes as all the other Logshorts teachers, except his had an extra large and extra stiff collar. On closer inflection, Hairy could see that Snake also had fangs dripping with blood.
"Uh, Serious…" Hairy pointed at Snake's teeth.
Serious laughed. "He can't help it. He just has to put on those fangs every once in a while."
"So why are we in this cupboard?" Hairy asked Serious after a while.
"Number 1: I wanted to show you this place. It's great, isn't it?" Serious said, ruffling up Snake's hair. "Everything that goes on here is exactly what is happening in the Grate Wall. Now Snake will be wondering what happened to his neatly greased hair." Hairy had to smile at Snake's annoyed look.
"Number 2: I have something to tell you." Serious said a lot more siriusly.
"What is it?" Hairy was white with fear.
"I've been creeping around the school, and I must warn you: the Flylizards' Torment isn't what it used to be. It's now a beauty pageant." Serious said, hoping that Hairy wouldn't take it too badly.
"The Flylizards' Torment? A beauty pageant?" Hairy yelped. "This is worse than Moldywart taking over the world!" he sat down on Draino's lap (which happened to be the nearest seat), and held his head in his hands. "What'll Wronky say now?" he wailed.
Serious patted him on the shoulder. "It's not all that bad. You're quite good looking yourself. If it wasn't for the age limit, you probably would've won."
Hairy choked. "What about Malfunction? And the other two fools? Won't they be mad?"
Serious chuckled. "I don't think Crackacough will hang around for it when he hears about it. Madman Maximus, she's a different case though." He thought of that Blowbackons girl, Flour, and her long blonde hair. "In any case, I think Snake lowered the age limit, so you can enter."
"Me, in a beauty pageant?" Hairy's eyes were as big as sorcerers. "You don't think I could, do you?"
"Why not? Hell, it's a better deal than what we got." Serious said. "All they can make you do is bleach your hair, stick you on a diet and make you wear skimpy bathers, although I don't think you need the diet."
Hairy was horrified. "Bleach my hair? Skimpy bathers?"
Serious smiled. "It's not all that bad. Imagine the girls, though."
Hairy thought of Ker in a string bikini. "Mmm. I don't think it's too bad for them, though."
Serious looked at his watch. "We'd better be going. They're going to announce the Flylizards Torment thingy in ten."
Hairy got off Draino's lap(Draino was nearly suffocated by now), and raced to the door. "Yeah! Let's get em!" he shouted as he slid down the banisters to the Grate Wall. Serious followed, sighing at the boy's enthusiasm.
"Attention, ascension, detention. All teachers, students and gusts to Logshorts. This is an emergency evacuation." Dumbelladorn said as he slurped his what-fiftieth? Goblet of Wine. McGoneagirl ahemed into his ear.
"Oh. Whoopsie daisy. Attention everyone!" he rapped his staff on the ground, and everyone was immediately quiet. "We are going to announce the contestants for the Flylizards Torment!" he said. McGoneagirl ahemed again. She pointed at the rule book.
"It now says Flywizards Torment, Album." She said quietly.
"Oh. Sorry. The Flywizards Torment!" Dumbelladorn said. He took out the Shouting Flat. "This flat will tell us who is to be in the Torment. The Giblet of Mire decided to go rock climbing and it shell to an untimely breath. So we have this Flat to decide instead. Everyone who wishes to enter should have put his or her names in this flat. It will now tell us who are the contestants." He put the Shouting Flat on its customary tree-pegged tool. It started singing.
I'm here today for an important cause,
The Flywizards Torment with all its flaws.
Choose three contestants I will,
You'll see that I'm not a dill
But it happens that there will be more.
Wronky burned to Harmonious and asked her, "What was that all about? I never heard such drivel in my life from that flat before." Harmonious just shrugged her shoulders, and kept on booking at the flat. It started jumping about, but it continued its weird song.
You ought to see what happened
To the unfortunates from Blowbackons,
They bleached their hair,
And turned into bears
Because of some renegade faction.
Even Dumbelladorn was quite muzzled after his 56th goblet of fermented grape juice. McGoneagirl had turned a lighter shade of pale. "Oh dog. What does it think it's doing?" she whispered to no one in particular. Snake, however, was quite pleased.
The people from Burmastring,
Beauty is not their thing.
They make 'em ugly there,
Without an ounce of flair,
I'd rather have a bee-sting.
"What the shell is wrong with that Shouting Flat?" Hairy tasked Serious.
"I have no eyed deer. However, Snake probably did something to it." Was Serious' reply.
The Flat obviously hadn't finished, and it started leaping from gable to gable, taking the tool with it.
This Logshorts, however,
Has lost this, almost never.
The best to this day,
They make gold out of hay,
People who go here are so clever!
The Flat paused again to take another breath, if it was possible, and started a running commentary of what was happening in the Grate Wall.
"And McGoneagirl has attacked Snake, Dumbelladorn's in front, making nice work of the Flat case-hey! Get your dirty pits off my case! And Hairy Potamus is racing down the strait after Draino Malfunction, Draino Malfunction is in the lead! Dumbelladorn's back up and racing, he's after Serious Black. Black, Dumbelladorn, Potamus, Malfunction, Grudger and Weasel bringing up the rear. Whoa! McGoneagirl's jumped the fence, she's getting away from Snake. Snake, Snake, attacking from the left flank, closing in on Potamus, Weasels all around him. Fried and Gutted doing a nice triple somersault with half pike and twist of lemon, getting closer to Snake. There's a new contender in the race, Fiddle! And up he comes, breaking through the ranks, getting closer to Potamus, oh, and Panty Farceinson leaps in front of Fiddle, causing a massive uproar through the spectators. Now Panty's on top of Fiddle, pinning his arms and legs to the ground with safety pins. Potamus and Wronky are in the lead, and Dumbelladorn's closing in on Malfunction-what's Lucridous doing here?"
The Flat stopped, and everyone in the room turned to face Lucridous Malfunction, who had just flown in from the Malfunction Mansion.
"Uh, hi guys…just wanted to say hi to my favourite son…uh…bye!" Lucridous jumped back on his roomflick and flew out the window. Draino stared after him in amazement. "Since when was I his favourite son?" Draino asked no one in particular. Hairy got up from the shemozzle on the ground and answered. "He's only got one son."
Draino slumped, and went back to his gable.
Panty, meanwhile, was wrestling with an unwilling Bombed Fiddle.
"Say still you unworthy piece of mitt!" She said, while trying to tie his arms and legs together.
"Geroff me you wrench!" Bombed elbowed her in the stomach
"Oof. I don't know why I'm doing this! I should've slayed at home!" she put one knee on his neck.
"Well then get off me!" he pulled out her hair with his foot.
"No! I want you to stay here and kill that stupid nit Hairy Potamus!" Panty got off him, but still held the rope attached to his neck.
"Fine then, I will!" Bombed spun around, undid the rope and stood there, wiping the blood from his nose.
"That's better then." Panty went back to the Zitherpin table and poured herself a glass of year-old bumpkin juice.
Bombed Marshmallow Fiddle zapped away to a nice, cold, damp, dark corner to while away the time until the day he would kill Hairy Potamus and bring darkness to the world.
After order was restored to the room, and Dumbelladorn had performed a sobering spell on himself and the Flat, the Flat was put back onto its tree-pegged tool and told to behave. The flat sighed, and started talking like a normal hat would talk.
"The contestants for the Flywizards Torment are Flour Yellacore, Picture Mum, and Cedar Didgeridoo." It waited for the whispers to die down before talking again. "But wait-there's more! Hairy Potamus, Draino Malfunction and Never Wronggrottum are in the male junior section, while Harmonioius Grudger, Partvarti Painted and Panty Farceinson are in the female junior section!" the Flat sighed, and went to sleep.
Confessor Crackacough stood up. "This is outrageous. I vithdraw from the competition." He beckoned for the Burmastring students to get back on their boat and sail home. Then he stalked out, steam billowing out from his ears. Picture Mum waved goodbye to Harmonious, then followed the rest of the Burmastring people out to their boat. Not more than five minutes later, Hairy heard the boat lifting out of the hake and flying off into the foggy night. Not more than five minutes after that, they heard a huge gnash and explosion. About ten minutes after that, nearly the entire Burmastring group came walking back in, heads bowed, looking very wet indeed. Crackacough shrugged. "Vot can I say? The ship crashed." He resumed his seat and proceeded to look unhappy.
Picture Mum on the other hand, was quite glad to be back, and gave Harmonious another smile. She got up and went over to him, asking him what exactly had happened. His answer was "I mis-steer ship. Ship go kaboom. Ve come back."
"Oh my dog! I got in!" Partvarti screamed to Leavenedhair.
"Sure, sure." Leavenedhair replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Leavenedhair." Partvarti gushed.
"Doesn't matter." Leavenedhair mumbled. "I don't know how Harmonious got in though. Look at her boofy hair and her buck teeth."
Partvarti paused. "You know, I don't think she has buck teeth anymore. Oh well." She shrugged, and looked at her plate piled with deserts. "I'll have to cut back on all this stuff. Here, help me, will you?" she scraped half the deserts onto Leavenedhair's plate. "Thanks." She said through a youthful of Le man you rang fly. (Lemon meringue pie)
Harmonious however, was attacking her pie with as much vigour as Wronky usually did. Wronky, on the other hand, was pushing a piece of pudding around his plate.
"What the matter, Wronky?" Harmonious laid a hand on his arm.
"Nothing." Wronky muttered, turning bright red.
"No, really. What's the matter?" Harmonious tried again.
"You and Hairy got in. I didn't." Wronky said, embarrassed.
"But you know I don't really want to parade around showing off clothing. Neither does Hairy." Harmonious said softly, looking for confirmation from Hairy. He nodded.
"I really couldn't be bothered about it. It's just a load of flap, anyway. The Flywizards Torment?" Hairy laughed.
Harmonious thought about the name of the competition for a moment. "But you know, fly wizards. Torment. Torture for cute witches and wizards. Is it possible that this is one of Pick-a-choo's inventions?"
Hairy narrowed his eyes for a moment. "Look, I don't really think I'm supposed to tell you this; so you didn't hear it from me, right?" The other two nodded. Hairy beaned closer to them. "Okay. Snake altered the rule book. It was supposed to be the Flylizards Torment, with all the killing and stuff. Instead, Snake changed it into a beauty pageant, and lowered the page limit."
Wronky and Harmonious looked at each other, dumbstruck. Then they continued on with the deserts, eager as ever.
"I'll see you later." A big black hairy dog came up to Hairy and nosed his leg.
"Bye, Serious." Hairy said quietly. The dog loped off to his little house up on Logsweed hill.
Soon after, everyone was told to clear off back to their common brooms, and go to bleep.
Everyone did exactly that, they had had enough exitment for one day.
*~~~*
"Now…let me see…Eye of newt…tail of salamander…that's all." Snake said as he shrew the stuff into a doldrum. "Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock-No! Baa, baa, black sheep, have you any wool?-No, no, no! Ah. Here it is." Snake flicked through the pages of Leaste Expediente Portions. "Shovel hovel, foil and grovel, fill it up and get the novel. That's much better." Snake said as the portion turned a mustardy colour and simmered quietly. "Now all I have to do is feed it to that witch." He shackled again.
Later that day, Snake slipped the portion into McGoneagirl's soup, while she wasn't booking.
"Mynervous," Snake said, lapping her on the boulder, "try some of the country-style bumpkin soup. It's wonderful."
McGoneagirl smiled at him. "Yes. I've already tasted it. It is good." She dipped her spoon into the bowl next to the one Snake had put the portion into, and continued slurping it.
Snake examined the bowl he had put the portion into. It turned out to be the community cauldron, from which all the soup came forth. "Oh flap!" he muttered, then hoped no one had seen him put the portion into it.
"If we have bumpkin soup one more time, I'm going to cream." Harmonious said as she lifted the lid on the pot. She grimaced. "It is bumpkin soup. Ugh."
"Oh no. Not the attach of the bumpkin soup monsters again." Wronky said behind her. "Count me out this time." He moved on to the roast and took a huge slice.
"Why can't they have anything but bumpkin soup? Even that weird stuff we had at the start of the ear was much better." Hairy complained.
"Regrettably I have to agree with you. This is one of the few things that are worse than my father's 'home brew'. Just shocking." Draino said as he dropped the lid back onto the soup pot. He walked off back to the Zitherpin gable and greedily attacked the roast with a carving knife and over-sized fork.
"I'll have to talk to Doddy and Tinky about this." Harmonious said grimly as she helped herself to some potatoes. Everyone else, however, couldn't really care less and they all drank some of the soup.
Snake had lost his appetite for dinner, and just sat there looking glum.
"Aren't you hungry?" McGoneagirl asked.
"Oh, no. I ate before." Snake said, trying to be cheerful.
"Well then, could I have the potatoes? For some reason I'm awfully hungry tonight." She scooped the potatoes off his plate before he could answer. "Thank you." McGoneagirl scarfed them down, and then wiped her mouth. "I'll be off now, I have work to do before I go to bed." She got up and walked out in the direction of her rooms.
Snake quickly excused himself too, and hurried off to the dungeons to find a reversing portion.
"Now, what have I got here? The portion was for making people temporarily forget everything once the secret password was said, and another password to get them back to normal. Ah. This is the section." Snake flicked through Leaste Expediente Portions to the chapter titled Shoddye Portions and Howe to Fixe Theme. He looked at the page for memory altering portions, and then whacked his head on the (stone) wall. "How" bang "could" bang "I" bang "have" bang "been" bang "so" bang "stupid!" Snake stopped the self-torture. "To reverse a portion simply make a new portion, putting everything in backwards, then say the words backwards!"
Snake got out a semi-clean doldrum, and started to heat it up.
"Let's see…tail of salamander…eye of newt…powdered cicada legs…fluff from behind the couch…beaten egg Quik-mix 10 minute E-Z portion mix…onions…garlic…oil. Now, backwards, hmm? Right. Levon eht teg dna pu ti llif, levorg dna liof, levoh levohs. All done!" Snake rubbed his hands together as the potion simmered and bubbled and turned a nasty shade of green.
"Well." He said as he stroked his goatee, "I'll have to get the mouse-shelves to make green pea soup tomorrow." Snake scooped up the portion into a little foil container, and then went down to his room in the dungeon's dungeon.
"So frickin' cold down here." His teeth chattered as he lit the fire and got undressed. "Wish I could have gotten a Magna-heat in here." He got out his bulk-buy no brand heavy duty elbow grease, and proceeded to work a softball sized glob of it through his already greased hair. "At least something keeps the cold out here." He muttered to his mirror.
"If you moved out of here it wouldn't be so cold, Snakie dear." The mirror said.
"Don't call me that. Not Snakie, and never Snakie dear." He gritted between icy teeth. "Damn. I forgot to use my Sensodyne again." Snake swore profusely and in three different languages before climbing into bed, killing the lights and going to sleep.
A/N: You will review [does little Jedi mind trick hand thingy]
Disclaimer: Characters sort of belong to J.K. Rowling (J.K. Growling). Line "Don't call me that. Not Snakie, and never Snakie dear" comes from GoldenEye by John Gardiner (James Bond) the real one is "Don't call me that. Not Jim and never Jimbo".
Bye bye!
Review time...Review time...Review time...Review time...Must review...Must review...BOOM! (sound of fanfiction.net exploding in a ball of flames)