The Ultimate Spoof of All Fanfiction: Part Two
The Gilagamesh card laid down was less than desired by Zell. He knew he was going to lose. But this wasn't for him; this was just a harmless game to show Rinoa how to play. But Irvine was beating him, Irvine with his chaps. What was the guy thinking and that long hair and that cowboy hat. He was so much cooler; he was a trendsetter unlike Irvine he thought. Look at how cool he looked, his big weird tattoo on the side of his face, the way his cool blonde hair stuck up, but slicked back at the same time, his big shorts that flared out, he was ahead of all the latest trends he thought. Zell was cool there was no doubt about it, but why couldn't others see how cool he was? Irvine stared at him wondering why Zell was just sitting there, doing nothing. Rinoa looked onward impatiently. She was bored, but felt obligated to sit through it.
"I'm so cool!" Zell announced. Everyone starred at him. "Opps did I just say that out loud?" Zell bolted from embarrassment, running far from the quad. Rinoa smiled in relief when Squall came in. She got up and hugged him while he stood awkward and hands to his side.
"Hi Rinoa," he said.
"Hi! So what interesting news do you have to tell us?" She asked. He looked at her funny.
"How did you know I had something to say?" He questioned.
"Duh Squall wow you're not that bright for a lofty commander, why else would be here?" She explained.
"There's a bunch of people out at the front gate claiming to be are…children." Squall said still in disbelief.
"I am so not here," Irvine said. Selphie frowned at him and tried to slap him. "Kidding of course," he assured.
"What do you mean, Squall? Are children?" Quistis sat up.
"Come see for you're self there waiting in the front," Squall said.
* * * *
While the others were far off trying to figure out the mystery Zell ran into a familiar figure, Seifer. Seifer smiled with contempt at the short boy and blew smoke in his face.
"What do you want, Chicken-Wuss?" Seifer asked. He was leaning against a poll with one of his legs crossed over and a white cylinder in his hand.
"What's that?" Zell starred curiously at the cylinder that produced a queries gray smoke and really smelled.
"Oh come on, this is a cigarette. Of course you wouldn't know that cause you're not cool like I am." Seifer said smugly.
"I'm cool!!! And I knew what it was it's just I didn't recognize that poor excuse for one." Zell explained. He just wanted to be cool so bad and Seifer was cool. That's what everyone said anyway. He decided he would be cool, once and for all people would recognize his "coolness" from now on, and no ifs or buts about it he would be cool. "Now I know you think I'm not cool, but I want to be cool. So pleeeeaaasssse just give me one I'll do anything!" Zell yelled.
"Well…I don't know. Only really cool people can smoke like Joe Camel. And Chicken-Wuss you don't exactly fit into that genre." Seifer couldn't be happier he was getting stupid Zell to smoke, this was just too good.
"I wanna be like Joe Camel, c'mon it's not fair!!! PLEASE Seifer!!!" Zell wanted to be cool so badly that he was willing to do anything.
"I guess, but under only under one circumstance…" Heheh he could get him to do anything he wanted.
"WHAT! WHAT! I'll do anything, just please!" Zell screamed. Seifer leaned over and whispered into his ear. WHAT, anything, but that, please!" Seifer nodded no and Zell hunched over in disappointment. "Please!"
"Nope, that's my only offer." Seifer said sternly.
"OK, I guess, but still…" Zell couldn't believe what he had asked him to do, but being cool was top priority for him now.
"No buts, you're either in or out," Seifer said.
"In."
* * * *
Quistis ran as fast she could to the front gate of Garden and couldn't believe what she had heard. There children? Was this some kind of sick nightmare? Ultimecia finally claiming her revenge from beyond the grave? She couldn't, she wouldn't believe it. I mean who's…the father? She sighed thinking, knowing that Squall and Rinoa… She just knew they would have perfect little children, one boy and one girl and they would be soooo cute and be little angels. And what about her progeny? Probably a girl, it would have to be a girl so she could fall for Squall's son and go through as much hopelessness and depression as she? Fate would, and could and that made her feel sick. She didn't like thinking of the future were Squall and Rinoa would have their perfect lives and she would just stand there like a phantom witnessing their joy, their happiness. She wondered who these children were and hurried to find out.
At the familiar steel gate stood seven figures no younger than six-teen and no older than nineteen. They all of course resembled the various characters, one stood in front like the leader and he had cold blue eyes that seemed to be distant, far away, then darker molasses colored hair that tucked back behind his ears. A girl with jet-black hair and almond eyes with a soft, innocent face stood next to him. A girl resembling Christina Agulara, but with more I don't evilness and 'edge' to her. And a weird cowboy guy that looked way too much like Irvine. And then some girl looking Quistis and someone looking like Yuffie from FF7. Finally a short blonde guy that looks like Chris Kattan on drugs.
"Hiya!" Said the Yuffie look alike. There mouths dropped open with shock and fright. "My names Whinny Kinneas!" The annoying girl continued. Irvine sighed and realized some more of the many downfalls of getting involved with Selphie and he could only guess the cowboy guy was his son too.
"Ho boy," Irvine sighed.
"What something wrong dad-dy," she smiled and laughed.
"Yo, Selph I'm getting the hell out of here!" Irvine turns and begins to run away, Whinny chases him.
"What's wrong dad-dy yoo don't like ME?!" She yelled after Irvine.
"That was strange," Rinoa said.
"Who are you all?" Quistis wondered staring at the strangers.
"My names Quick Dincht," the weird Chris Kattan on drugs guy said. Rinoa cringed, but was relieved he wasn't her ugly son.
"I'm Bobby Kinneas, please to make your aquatint ma'am," the cowboy said lifting his hat to Quistis. The Christina Augural lookalike elbowed him hard. "What she's hot, Aww well your just jealous!"
"And who's she?" Selphie asked. Still laughing about Whinny.
"And who would like to know?" The girl responded
"Jeez lighten up I just wanna know your name so we can be friends!" Selphie happily exclaimed.
"Fine, Jessie. Jessie…Almasy." Squall uncontrollably started laughing and then began to choke and Rinoa had to pat him on the back.
"What? You gotta problem with that?" Jessie stepped forward and got in Squall's face, standing a few inches above him.
"Settle down Jesse. Hi by the way my name's Julia Leonhart, but I guess you could tell it seems like I look exactly like my mother," she smiled.
"Oh keel Squall we have a daughter I knew we would live happily ever after and get married and have kids!" Rinoa shouted happily pointing at Julia. Squall started shaking his head.
"I'm…Erek." The quiet and spacey one said.
"Nice to meet you." Squall stared transfixed at the boy. He looked…familiar? The eyes, the hair the look of complete restlessness, boredom as he dreamt of something that he couldn't quite grasp it was all there. And that made Squall sad because he knew. He guessed that this boy felt all alone too. But no he said, he wouldn't have his son growing up feeling alone and abandoned like Laguna his no excuse for a father had, or end up falling for someone like Rinoa…wait where did that come from? He decided he was thinking too much, but he decided even if he was 17 he wouldn't let that happen to his son…Erek.
"He's my…brother unfortunately always thinking too much isn't that right Erek?" Julia explained.
"…Whatever." Erek replied. Squall sighed, how the hell did his son end up being as pathetic as him? Wasn't he loved and all that junk? Rinoa laughed at this and smiled at Squall. She seems happy enough, Squall thought.
"What about you, what's your name?" Quistis asked the girl that bore a striking resemblance to her.
"Brea," the girl replied.
"Yes and your sir name?" Quistis pursued. The girl looked almost exactly like her she had to be her daughter.
"Almasy."
Quistis nearly fainted and stumbled back at her reply.
"But she's not my sister, thank Hyne." Jessie argued.
"I'm not suppose to say this but you guys got a divorce." Brea said.
* * * *
Zell couldn't believe it, couldn't believe what he was warring, couldn't believe Seifer would put him up to this, couldn't believe he was doing it, couldn't believe nobody had been around to stop him from being so stupid, hell even Selphie would do. He wore, something so uncool, that even Laguna would have to say something like 'this is soooo not cool' and he had be before. He wore nothing, but mind-controlling hot pants that were a direct rip-off off of the author's story, 'One fantasy to Live.' And this was really icky for the author to write because ewww, Zell in hot pants. Zell looked down, and then back up sheepishly while Fujin and Ranijin laughed at a sign on his back labeled 'boy-toy'. Zell whimpered as Raijin fell down onto the ground, Seifer smirked but started braking out laughing along with his friends.
"When do I get the cigarette, so I can be as cool as Joe Camel, again?" Zell asked.
"Soon, very hahahahahh soon, Chicken-Wuss we just have to show the rest of Garden, your little surprise and secret," Seifer said unable to stop laughing.
"But-bu-but are you sure??" Zell asked on the brink of tears. Seifer laughed some more.
"Yes, now go!" Seifer yelled.
* * * *
Meanwhile everyone was still crowded around the front gate of Garden where yelling and screaming could be heard, mainly Quistis.
"What!??? What are you talking about?? Never, never that egotistical asshole!" Everyone shrikes as they hear Quistis loose her temper and actually curse.
"Well at least he's still alive unlike you!" Jessie responded eagerly.
"WHAT? Quistis' not alive in the future?" Selphie asked her head hung low.
"Hold on Selphie we don't know if they're from the future," Quistis said still disgusted.
"No, she's dead, my mothers dead just like the rest of you, except for Seifer." Julia explained.
Rinoa looked at her sadly and was tempted to do more but Squall gave her a look.
"How?" Was all Rinoa could say.
"Well that's why were here! How do you think we feel growing up with no parents and having Seifer be are legal Guardian, I mean dude that's so not cool." Quick said punching the air like his father.
As they began to explain the remaining SeeDs looked on with horror as they mentioned Zell in hot pants.
* * *
- Irvine raced across the Balamb fields chased by his daughter, Whiny. He was growing tired his legs felt so weak and numb. But she wouldn't let him go; instead it seemed she had an unlimited supply of it, probably from Selphie. He tried to remember why he was running a way from her, but simply recalled the speech he gave to his friends about starting on a path and determined to finish it because it was his path. Cursing his integrity he fled into the small town of Balamb.
- "Dad-dy, where arrrrrrrrrrrrre yoo?" Whiny yelled walking down the streets of the quiet fishing town. A familiar 4'10" girl pulled Irvine around the corner and before she could say something a gloved hand covered his mouth. Her hair worn back tightly in a clip because it was finally long enough and she smiled. Irvine wondered how such a small girl could have pulled him around a corner, but there was no time for questions.
- "Quiet, she might here you," the girl whispered releasing her grip from his mouth.
- "Elle?" He questioned.
- "Yes, now shut-up? You want my help or not?" The girl responded. Was this the same devil child that had tried to kill Laguna now trying to help him, he thought?
- Silence.
- "Dad-dy?!"
- "Yes." He said nodding convinced.
- "Then get me back to Garden," she hissed.
* * *
- But just then as the group and all of the horrible original characters didn't have enough to contend with. Cid came in!
"Oh my there's a hostage situation in Timber!" Cid said running away at the thought of battle.
"Hey! This is beginning to sound like Oak Trees and Angel Wings!" Said DJ Johnston who appeared out of no where. Suddenly there could be heard a loud cackle.
"Hahahahah DJ this is the ultimate Spoof of all fanfiction, anything is possible!" Elle suddenly appeared with Irvine by her side.
"I will not tolerate this degradation of MY work with YOUR writing, Elle." DJ said revealing Kate Lorraine bound and tied. "Stop this at once, or the sorceress gets it!"
"But I thought you loved Kate????" Everybody looked wide-eyed; Squall cringed, remembering the last self-insertion fic that Kate wrote.
"I do! But this can't be helped! Very unfortunate this happening. What horrible timing you have Elle, among other things… I really wanted to read the third part of the Orphan. What do you really expect me to read The Omega, hahaah I am too good for that! Dammed imbeciles trying to mirror perfection, I will get you, get you all!!!!" DJ exclaimed throwing his head back in laughter. "Wait, did I just say that out loud???"
But suddenly! Marco Leonstrife appeared, followed by his dammed posse of Quistis X Squall fics lovers!
"Hahah, like no one is like going to like rob me of the like pleasure of like killing Kate Lorraine, like ya know!" Marco exclaimed, his posse nodded agreeing.
Elle had to think fast because she also REALLY wanted to read the third part of the Orphan, and didn't like the idea of Kate dying anyway. So she thought and thought as hard as she could and decided to bring more people into the story! And summoned the awesome power of stupid people in large groups, but since they were all so easily influenced (and because Marco was one of there kind) they joined up with Marco shouting 'Quistis and Squall 4-ever!!!!!!!!!!' Kate grumbled, at this, who would save her? Ah and that's were Darren came in! Darren rode on his trusty steed! And while DJ was soooo caught up in defending off the stupid people rescued Kate, Elle smiled.
"Ack, die stupid people! Die so you cannot reproduce to spread the world with your evil!" But as DJ exclaimed this he turned around to see Kate free with Darren.
"Tee-hee they look so cute together!" Selphie yelled in pure glee.
But DJ could not handle this and decided to duel with Darren. He then borrowed Squall's gunblade, but realized it was physically impossible for him to wield it and just decided to use his awesome mental powers. Finally the rest of the people from Kate's Boegel decided to show up, including a very angry Xedi who claimed she owned Kate first! Well they all dueled and Elle got really bored and decided to jump off a balcony to get everyone's attention back on her. Nobody noticed except for Zell who saved her.
"Ewwww, its Zell." She said.
"Hey I just saved your life!" He responded.
* * *
So Back to Xedi and DJ and Darren… They all just stopped suddenly and realized their undying hatred of Marco.
"Say, since we all hate Marco, why don't we just gang up on him and kill him instead of each other!" DJ suggested. So they all killed Marco and everyone through a big party witch unfortunately Elle and Zell were not invited to.
"Hey this is pretty fun," Darren yelled dancing with Selphie. DJ was a few feet away dancing with Fifi. And Xedi and Kate were tearing it up to the latest back street boy song. Selphie L. was happily dancing with Squall while Rinoa danced with Irvine. Quistis and Seifer could be scene conversing; who knows maybe even kissing.
"Yeah, but I can't help but feel that something is missing," Kate said thinking.
* * *
Meanwhile Zell and Elle were not having such a great time.
"Why does everyone hate me???" Zell asked, sighing.
"Yeah and why can't everyone love me???" Elle asked. Boy was she sad, stuck with Zell.
"Yeah we're stuck all alone and I betcha they're having sooooo much fun!" Zell said.
"Yeah and after all I've done for Kate!" Elle exclaimed.
But just when Zell was soooo sad, DJ came out of the big party.
"Zell! We forgot about you???" DJ asked in disbelief.
"Yeah…snif*" Zell began to cry. He had just wanted to be sooooo kewl!
"Come on Zell! What do you say to coming back with me?"
"SURE! YEAH!!!!!!!!!" Zell followed DJ into the party and Elle remained alone.
"YOU SUCK DJ" Elle yelled.
But he ignored her and went back into the party to have some more fun.
"This sucks." Elle sighed.
"Nobody likes me!"
So Elle decided to go into the party, even if she wasn't invited and turned out everyone had been planning a surprise party just for her!
"You're the best writer in the whole world!" DJ exclaimed as everyone gave Elle a present.
"Thanks everybody! I can't believe it you really love me! You really love me! Yeah!!!!!!!!" She jumped for joy and it finally ended. So once again everyone lives happily ever after, especially Kate as she decided to take Marcos head home as a momento. All of Marcos followers had been instantly released from their Squall X Quistis trance and now wrote good FF8 fanfiction about Squall X Rinoa. Quistis and Seifer did hook up and eloped. And Zell and DJ became close friends and everything couldn't be better so woo-hoo!!!! Accept that everything the horrible original characters said came true witch really sucked. I mean who would want Seifer to be there parental guardian?
The End