Part 3
Two months after the accident, things were still a little strained between Chandler and Monica. They had moved out of Rachel's apartment and into one of their own right across the street. Chandler thought it would be good for Monica to live close to Rachel and the rest of their friends, even though each day Monica became more distant. He thought she might feel more comfortable living in the city again because she wouldn't have to drive and maybe it would remind her of the times before they got married and started their family. Chandler had finally made an appointment with a therapist, and today was going to be their first session.
He walked into their apartment, and Monica was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee.
"Hi, sweetie. Are you ready to go?" Chandler asked, as he put his briefcase by the front door.
Monica stood up and put on her jacket. "I suppose."
"You sure you're okay with this? I know you weren't too crazy about the idea at first."
"Yeah, I'm okay. Maybe it will help us." She replied, a little doubtfully.
Chandler extended his hand, and Monica grabbed hold of it. She smiled at him, but not the way she used to. Chandler missed her old smile, when he could see in her eyes just how happy she was. Now when she smiled, it was cold and empty. As they left the apartment, Chandler closed the door behind them.
They caught a cab and arrived at the office building a few minutes later. After a short wait, they were called into the office and a woman came in and introduced herself as Dr. Holmes.
"Why don't you make yourselves comfortable," the doctor told them as she pointed to a couch on the other side of the room. "And don't let the couch intimidate you," she laughed a little, "You won't have to lie down…unless of course you want to."
Chandler and Monica sat down beside each other. Chandler could tell Monica was a little uneasy, and he debated whether or not to take hold of her hand, but decided not to. He didn't want to make her more uncomfortable.
The doctor sat down in a chair in front of them, fairly close. "I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. And I want you to both know up front that if at any time there is something you don't want to discuss, then we don't have to. But its important to know that as cliché as it might sound, honesty is the best policy. You should be honest about your feelings, because that will help us to solve things a lot faster. And its going to take some time. Tonight I thought we would talk a little about the accident."
Monica swallowed hard, "Wow, nothing like getting right down to business."
"We don't have to, its completely up to you." Dr. Holmes replied.
"Yeah, honey we don't have to talk about that tonight." Chandler agreed.
"No, we can."
"So let's start off by talking about the day it happened."
"It was the morning of our fifth wedding anniversary," Chandler started.
Monica smiled at the memory of that morning. "We were going to be having a small gathering that night of family and friends. So I had a few errands to run that morning."
"We had a nice breakfast..pancakes. And Ryan had syrup all over his face." Chandler said, laughing a little.
Monica couldn't believe Chandler remembered. She had forgotten all about the pancakes.
"Ryan wanted to show me his coins, but I told him to wait until after work because I was going to be late." Chandler continued.
"How does that make you feel, Chandler?" Dr. Holmes asked.
Chandler looked up at her, with tears in his eyes. "It makes me feel like I was a bad father. I should have spent more time with them."
Monica looked at Chandler. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She took his hand. "You had no idea you wouldn't see him after work. You shouldn't feel bad Chandler, this whole thing was my fault. If I had just let you pick everything up for the dinner none of this would have happened."
"Mon, its not your fault. Please stop saying that."
"Monica," Dr. Holmes started, "Why do you blame yourself?"
"Chandler offered to let me stay home and clean up the house a little and said he'd pick up everything. But I said no. Don't you see, I'm to blame?"
"It's natural to blame yourself. In time, I am hoping you will realize that you are a victim in this, just like your children."
Monica and Chandler were both distraught, so the doctor told them they could continue next week. They were silent the whole way home, but Monica was starting to feel even more guilty, thinking that she had not been considerate to Chandler's feelings about any of this. When they got back to their apartment, Chandler told her he was going to take a shower. Monica felt totally helpless. Maybe she wasn't the only one distancing herself. She could feel that Chandler was starting to pull back from her, and she was starting to get scared that he would leave her. She couldn't lose him too. She went into their bedroom and put her nightgown on, then crawled into bed. It seemed like forever before Chandler entered the room. Monica was starting to get tired. Chandler got into bed and turned out the light without talking to Monica. He turned on his side, back facing her. Without a second thought, Monica put her hand on his bare shoulder.
"Chandler?" she asked.
At first he didn't answer, because he didn't want her to hear the tears in his voice. But Monica knew him better than he thought. She slid her hand to the back of his neck and gently rubbed his head. "Honey, I'm sorry."
Chandler turned to face her, the tears streaming down his cheeks. He could see that she was now crying too. She leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. He kissed her back, and soon the kisses became more intense. She knew he wanted to do more than just kiss, but she wasn't ready. She couldn't be intimate with him. Not yet. Not until she told him the truth about her feelings. She kissed him again, then pulled away. This time Chandler was not surprised. "Will you just hold me tonight?" she asked him, as she turned on her side with her back to him. Chandler kissed her cheek after moving her hair out from his face, and pulled her close to him, wrapping his arms around her. It felt good to hold her close again. They were soon fast asleep, both dreaming the next day would get a little better than the last.
A week later, it was time for Chandler and Monica's next therapy session. They walked into the office, neither one of them really looking forward to talking anymore about the accident.
"Today I thought we would talk about the two of you. I want to know how your life together was before all of this happened."
"Everything was going great." Chandler said, as he remembered how his life had once been.
"How did you and Chandler meet?" the doctor asked, looking at Monica.
"Chandler was my brother's roommate in college. Eventually Chandler moved into the apartment across the hall from me, and we secretly started dating."
"Why did you two keep it a secret?"
"We didn't want Ross, Monica's brother, to find out about us," Chandler started.
"In case things didn't work out." Monica continued. She looked over at Chandler and remembered how much fun they had together in the beginning of their relationship.
Chandler smiled, "But everything did work out because I fell madly in love with her. And eventually, after I got over my commitment fears I asked her to be my wife."
"So you got married, moved to the suburbs and started a family." The doctor said.
"After we were married for a year, I found out I was pregnant. So Chandler and I decided we didn't want to raise our child in the city. We thought it would be safer to move." Monica replied, realizing what a stupid mistake they had made.
"How is the relationship between the two of you now?" Dr. Holmes asked.
Chandler and Monica looked down, embarrassed to admit they weren't the perfect couple they once were. Neither of them replied to the doctor's question.
"Have you been intimate since the accident?" she asked.
"It's just going to take some time." Monica finally said.
"Monica isn't ready yet. I don't want to rush her." Chandler chimed in.
"Monica, why are you afraid of being intimate with Chandler?"
Monica knew, but she just didn't want to say it. She didn't want to hurt his feelings. She didn't think it was appropriate to say it in the presence of the doctor.
"What is it Monica?" Chandler asked. "You know you can tell me anything."
"I want to be with you, its just…" Monica started. "I'm afraid."
"That you'll lose me? I promise, I won't go anywhere. I'm always going to be here."
Monica sat in silence for a few moments. "The reason I can't be with you, is because.. its because I am afraid of getting pregnant again."
"I can understand that, honey." Chandler says, breathing a sigh of relief. "There are precautions we can take to prevent that. And maybe later on, when the time is right we can talk about having a baby."
"No, I don't think you do understand. I don't want to get pregnant again. Ever." Monica said as she put her hands over his face.
Chandler was not expecting this. He had no idea Monica felt this way. He could understand her feelings to some degree, but he couldn't imagine them living their lives without children. Why hadn't she said anything to him about this before now? Suddenly, he was filled with anger.
"How can you be serious?" he exclaimed. Monica was shocked, she had never seen Chandler look this way or react in such a manner.
"I think I should give you two a minute alone," the doctor told them as she stood up. She quietly left the room.
"Chandler," Monica started, but was cut off.
"How can you be so selfish? Ever since the accident, the whole world has revolved around you. Did you ever stop to think that maybe I am hurting too?"
"Of course. I just didn't know what to do to help you." Monica said, as she began to cry.
"You were too busy thinking about yourself." Chandler was being so mean to her. She had no idea he had all of this anger stored inside of him. "And now you're telling me you don't want anymore children. If we hadn't come to therapy when were you planning on telling me about it? I thought we were in this together, Mon."
"I'm sorry," she tried to explain.
"I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear anymore of your words or 'I'm sorrys'. We can't change what happened. We can't change what you did." Chandler suddenly stopped. Monica couldn't believe what he had just said. He did blame her. She just sat there speechless. Chandler couldn't believe what he had just said to her either. Where did that come from? "Mon, I am so sorry. I didn't mean it." He tried to tell her.
"Of course you did. And its fine. I blame myself anyway, so why shouldn't you?" she managed to say to him, her voice trembling from tears. "Listen, maybe we need some time apart."
"No, please. I don't know what came over me. I swear I didn't mean that. I love you, Mon."
Monica just sat there feeling totally numb. It was happening. Her worst fear - she was going to lose Chandler too. "I'm going to stay with Rachel for awhile." She stood up, grabs her jacket and heads for the door. "Good-bye, Chandler." She tells him as she closes the door behind her.