Krelboyne Hell Part 2
Malcolm gulped loudly. The new substitute was obviously a psycho. There was definitely something evil about Mr. Varf. His smile was like that of an animal who was playing with it's pray before brutally murdering it. It was a game of cat and mouse, or in this case, cat and mice. The Krelboynes didn't stand a chance.
"First of all," Mr. Varf hissed, "My name is Mr. Varf. And if anyone else would care to make fun of it, then they shall have the misfortune of experiencing my wrath. Secondly, I will not be like your regular teacher, Carol, or whatever the hell her name is."
"It's Caroline," Lloyd spoke up defiantly.
"You! Detention!" yelled Mr. Varf.
"Detention?! But I've never had detention before! It'll be a blemish on my perfect record!" Lloyd started hyperventilating.
"Well then let it be lesson to the rest of you scum sucking cretins. I mean business. Do not speak out of turn. Do not leave your seat without permission. I don't care if the building is burning down around you, you will stay in your seats until I give you permission to move. You may not leave this room while class is in session, I don't give a flying rats ass how bad you have to go to the bathroom. Go in your pants, for all I care. This is a place of learning. You are not here to have fun. Any questions?"
The Krelboynes silently shook their heads. They were very scared. To survive in this classroom, they must use mere instinct. For once, their brains would be of no use to them. It was obvious that Mr. Varf was not one to be outwitted.
"Now, we are going to start the day off with French. Get out your books and open up to page cent-vignt-et-un," Mr. Varf said.
Stevie timidly raised his hand. Mr. Varf nodded at him. "We………….haven't…………..learned……………numbers………………above……fifty………………yet," he gasped.
"Talk normally!" commanded Mr. Varf.
"I………………….am!"
Malcolm raised his hand, and Mr. Varf gave him a nod. "Um, sir? Stevie has a speech impediment."
"Sure he does," Mr. Varf snorted. "That's the oldest excuse in the book. Now open your books to page 121! You there, read the vocabulary, and then the directions." Mr. Varf pointed at Malcolm.
Malcolm looked down at his French and began to read the terms aloud. "Grand – big. Petit – small. Beau – handsome. Belle – beautiful. Jolie – pretty. Jeune - young."
"Horrible pronunciation!" screamed Mr. Varf. "Lets see if you can the English directions any better."
"Name a celebrity that is either handsome or beautiful. Describe the celebrity in French," Malcolm muttered.
"You get to go first," said Mr. Varf to Malcolm, grinning like a madman.
"Jennifer Love Hewitt est tres belle-" Malcolm began.
Mr. Varf's eyes lit up. "Oui! Jennifer Love Hewitt est tres chaud!" The class burst out laughing. Mr. Varf looked around the room at them. "Why are you laughing? Doesn't 'chaud' mean hot?"
Dabney, another one of Malcolm's friends, timidly raised his hand. " 'Chaud' means hot when you're talking about the weather. But when you're talking about a person, it takes on a different meaning."
"Well, what's the meaning? Spit it out, boy!" Mr. Varf said.
"It means, um, well, it means that Jennifer Love Hewitt is like an animal in heat."
Mr. Varf blushed an unbecoming shade of red. How dare they laugh at me! He thought. I am in charge! I rule them! Stay cool; it's all right.
"Do not talk back to me, you impudent fool! Go stand in the corner for the rest of the day!"
Dabney unhappily marched over to the corner of the room. But Mr. Varf wasn't done humiliating him. Varf continued, "Do you think you're funny? Well? Answer me! I suppose your silence means that you do find yourself quite hilarious. In that case, I think that you should be able to look the part of the class jester."
In one swift movement, Varf ripped a sheet of paper out of Lloyd's binder and began rolling it into a long cone. He taped it together to make a hat. Grabbing Lloyd's pen as well, Mr. Varf swiftly wrote "DUNCE" on the hat, strode over to Dabney, and jammed the Dunce cap onto Dabney's head.
* * *
Somehow, most of the poor Krelboynes managed to make it through the day. A few of them had some minor mental breakdowns (Dabney sobbed in the corner, wearing the hat the entire day, and during lunch, Lloyd ran around the playground screeching, "It's the end! We're all gonna die! Somebody save us from Mr. Varf!").
After the last bell rang, Malcolm, Stevie, Lloyd, Dabney, and a small redhead known simply as Eraserhead gathered in a huddle in the playground.
"Something has to be done!" said Eraserhead.
"I agree completely. But what?" mused Lloyd.
"Well, I think that we should give him a taste of his own medicine. We should find a way to humiliate him so badly, that he won't be able to show his face around here ever again," Malcolm answered.
"But…………………..how………………………do we……………………humiliate…………………him?" asked Stevie.
"Well, we could look in his car and see if we find anything incriminating," Dabney suggested.
Malcolm smiled. "Great idea! Lets go!"
Malcolm, Stevie, Lloyd, Dabney, and Eraserhead hung around the playground for a few minutes until they made sure that Mr. Varf wasn't going to come me out of the classroom. Ducking low behind the shrubbery, they snuck over to his car.
"Oh………………….my…………………….God!" Stevie stuttered.
"What is it?" inquired Lloyd. Stevie pointed to an object in the backseat of the car.
"I don't believe it! That's the funniest thing I've ever seen! Too bad we can't get it." Malcolm sighed.
"Oh yeah? Mr. Varf isn't as bright as we anticipated. He left the car door unlocked." Eraserhead grinned as he opened the car door, reached inside, and pulled the incriminating object out.
Malcolm grabbed the object and stuck it into his backpack. He couldn't wait to show it to the rest of his classmates.
* * *
The next morning, Malcolm walked into the classroom with a smile on his face. Mr. Varf scowled as Malcolm raised his hands, but nevertheless gave him a nod.
"I have something I'd like to share with the class," began Malcolm, "I was walking home from school yesterday when I found an object that someone had carelessly tossed into the street. I picked it up and brought it to see if anyone here had lost it. Does this belong to anybody?"
The class giggled as Malcolm pulled a bedraggled stuffed lamb from out of his backpack. It was obviously much loved; the fur was very worn. Although the Krelboynes tried to stifle their laughter, they couldn't help it. The room exploded with the sound of it.
The color drained from Mr. Varf's face. "Mr. Snuggles!" He shrieked, rushing up and grabbing the stuffed animal from Malcolm's hands. "I found you! I missed you so much! You know I can't sleep without my Mr. Snuggles!"
Suddenly, Mr. Varf became aware that an entire classroom of children was staring at him. He looked around and whimpered. After a few minutes, Mr. Varf ran out of the room, Mr. Snuggles held tightly in his hand.
Malcolm turned towards the rest of the Krelboynes. "Well guys, it looks like we've won."
* * *
The next day, Mr. Goldman walked into the Krelboyne classroom. "Since you children managed to scare off Mr. Varf, I would like you to meet your new substitute, Mrs. Goober."
"Mrs. Goober?" they snickered. But the Krelboynes fell instantly silent when they saw her. Mrs. Goober was 6 feet tall. She was wearing a short dress that showed off her hairy arms and legs. "Her" neck was as thick as a tree trunk. A five o'clock shadow had already begun to on her face.
"Hello children!" Mrs. Goober chortled cheerily. Her voice was deep and raspy.
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" screamed the Krelboynes.
"Bye
kids. Have fun with Mrs. Goober." Chuckling, Mr. Goldman left the room. Well,
he thought to himself, lets see them handle that.