Part 2 of my story….
I take off my coat and throw it on the table. I haven't been home in three days, since Collins got sick. I go the answering machine and the red light is on. I press the button… two messages.
"Mark, its mom! Hope everything is good. Are you coming home for your niece's birthday? We all miss you… CALL!"
BEEP!
"Mark… its Roger" I sigh a breath of relief, "I'm taking off for awhile. I'll call soon."
Taking off? Where? Roger, I need to find you. I wonder if he found out about Collins. How could he have, he got sick so fast… I have to find him to tell him. All right, I'll go to his place, maybe someone there can tell me something.
I knock at the door to Roger's old apartment. I'm told to come in by an invisible voice through the door. I open the door and I'm not too surprised to see a small group of guys sitting around smoking pot. Great. This is just the environment Roger needed to be in.
"Yeah, uh, have any of you guys seen Roger?"
"He moved out."
"Yeah I know, did he say where he was going?" Wow these guys are great conversationalists.
"He kept to himself. Just said he was taking off. I didn't ask any questions, none of my business."
"Ok… well thanks for your help."
I don't even know where to look. He doesn't have a car, but the band has been playing pretty steady so I'm sure he has some money. The band! He wouldn't just leave them behind. I go to a payphone and call Tom the drummer. No answer. I don't know the other guys' last names… I guess I'll go to their rehearsal space.
As I walk down the street my mind wanders. I think of all the times Roger, Collins and I spent together. They were my best friends. The past few years the good times have been few and far between, but we always come together to support one another. Now, Collins is gone, and so is Roger. I know Roger only has a limited time left. I was devastated when he decided to move out, but I understood. I know it's hard for him to admit caring about people. Every time he loses someone, a part of him shuts down. When Mimi died, he shut me out of his life. I wanted to give him space, but at the same time, I wanted to spend time with him. I don't want to face my life alone yet. Not when he is still here. Somewhere.
I get stuck standing at a corner waiting for a light to change. I stare at a pigeon trying to get something to eat. I watch as another pigeon comes and fights him for it. I take my camera out and start filming them. They are each trying to survive on their own. They don't need each other; they are fine on their own. The light changes and I begin to cross the street. Maybe I don't need Roger after all. Maybe I can carry on without him. Ok Mark, you have to stop comparing your life to that of a birds. I finally arrive at the warehouse where his band rehearses.
"Hello?"
"Mark! Hey, come on in."
"Hey guys." They are all here, minus Roger. "Do you guys know where Roger is?
"I'm right here, Mark." Roger walks up from behind me; his face is badly bruised.
"What happened?" He looks at the other guys and says he got into a fight. He asks me to go for a walk.
"So Mark, I went home for a few days."
"Home, like to your parent's house?" I've known Roger a long time and he has never gone home."
"Yeah, it didn't go to well. I told them about my… uh… situation."
"What? That you're HIV+? You never told them?" I always assumed he did.
"Yeah, they didn't take it so well, especially my dad. Right back to the old routine." He says that as points to his face. He laughs, "He called me a fag and told me to get the hell out of his house and never come back."
"Roger, I'm sorry."
He shrugs, "Whatever, I expected it. That's why I didn't tell them for so long."
"So why now? Why did you decide to tell them now?" I have to tell him about Collins but I can tell he is pretty shaken up about this thing with his parents.
"The time seemed right. My landlord raised the rent, so I had to move. The band had a few nights off, so I borrowed Tom's car and took off. By the way, can I stay with you?"
"Absolutely!" I sound a little more eager than I meant to. "Uh Roger, something happened while you were away." I try and judge what his reaction is going to be there is just no telling with him. He either shuts off, or gets too emotional.
"Yeah, what?" He says as he lights a cigarette. "Don't say a word, Mark."
He knows me too well.
"Collins got sick. He didn't make it."
"WHAT?"
"This morning, he died this morning. Maureen, Joanne and I were there. We tried to find you but you were gone…I cannot believe we lost him… I was starting to believe we lost you, I thought you left again and I worried it was for good.
"Fuck you Mark!'
"Excuse me?" I'm actually shocked by this reaction.
"Don't try to make me feel guilty because I went somewhere without your permission."
"Calm down, Roger."
"I will not calm down, you tell me my friend is dead and then you lay a guilt trip on me? What kind of person are you? Oh poor Mark, he's going to be left here all alone. Oh poor Mark, he actually gets to grow old and get something out of life."
That stings. It always stings when he throws it my face. I know I should feel lucky, but I don't.
"Roger, I just wanted to tell you that I miss you in my life. You are my best friend and I hate to see you so… "
"…So what? Pathetic? Sick? Very nice Mark.'
"Angry, I was going to say angry." I want to walk away. I want to walk away and forget all about him.
"Angry." He says it through a half-chuckle. "Gee Mark, I don't have anything to be angry about. Three people who I let myself care about have died, and oh let's see, I'm dying too!" His voice is dripping with sarcasm.
"Don't…."
"But hey, lucky me! I have sunshiny Mark Cohen as a best friend. Don't forget your AZT Roger. You shouldn't smoke Roger. Did you get enough sleep Roger? Jesus, you would think you were my fucking mother!'
"Well someone's got to be" As soon as the words left my mouth, I wish I could take them back. Especially when I see his fist heading for my face. He gets me right in the nose and I fall backwards. Blood is everywhere. Roger takes a good look at me and runs off down the street.