Lyle's Tale
Lyle's Tale
The morning was a clear one,
The sky was scorched by the sun,
A child woke to go out and play,
Believing this a normal day,
Then ran inside his house to shout,
Mom, dad, you've gotta come out!
The aliens have come, and they're gonna get us!
The dad grumbled, scratching his anus,
You're mom musta been smoking some cheap crack
When she was pregnant, to help her aching back.
He rolled over and began to snore,
But the child to them did implore,
Listen! I'm no crack baby! What I say is true!
Do you wanna die, here, in bed, before taking your morning poo?
So the parents woke, grumbling in a manner profuse,
Proclaiming that if he was wrong they'd both bust out the noose.
However, the sky was indeed filled with a space ship,
One that looked like it had taken an awfully long trip,
But how to stop it? That was what perplexed some,
But this family knew there was nothing to do but run,
And though the televisions advised not to leave their lodge,
Everyone and their brother was getting the hell out of Dodge.
Military ships were sent, of course the attempts were futile,
They were shot down, and of course, the alien race was hostile.
One was captured by one of the military personnel,
Who promptly told the alien to burn in hell,
He wanted to go into space more than anything in the world,
Were his story more pitiful you all would have hurled,
It was obvious that this alien invasion circumstance,
Was willed by God to give this wanna be spaceman his chance.
The brightest scientists in all the land could not uncover the aliens' puzzle,
But some loser cable guy learned their secret with relatively no trouble.
They were gonna bomb the hell out of earth, sparing none,
So they could land upon it and have their great fun.
So it came to pass that everyone flailed like mad,
The Whitehouse was blown to bits, though that would make some glad,
Every big city was destroyed, apparently to destroy
The defense obviously already inferior they'd deploy.
Why not all at once, you ask? Well, I'll tell you if they did,
That wouldn't be very sporting, the president could not have hid
With this great cable guy, and the black air force dude,
Who everyone knew would save the world with their charismatic tude.
The aliens had technology that far surpassed that of the earth,
But thus they hadn't prepared for it, to the cable guy's great mirth,
By coincidence the programs of the computer systems were compatible,
And without this fact the aliens would not have been combatible.
The cable guy made a virus that would disable the alien's system,
But they'd have to board the ship, they might as well have walked up and kissed em.
They ended up in Area 51, where of course all government secrets are hidden,
And with a discovery there the heroes were obviously quite smitten,
For there was a ship, of this particular alien race's same type,
And for lack of anything the defense couldn't anymore gripe,
For the ship was easily flown by an earthman's capable hands,
Running still, and it's quite real, how quickly human knowledge expands,
The osmosis principle factored in, as the air force dude could fly like a bird,
In this foreign ship that quite reminded everyone of a giant turd.
So off they flew to save their world form aliens set to kill,
Boarded the mother ship and inside their vessel tried to remain very still
So the aliens wouldn't notice it was flown by humans, so naturally they flew,
If an alien could drive your car you might think they were human too,
And they uploaded a virus that would disable the shields with a ping
So the dudes in the military could then do their thing,
They had three minutes before a bomb would go off in space,
However, making their escape quite the thrilling race,
Those three minutes seemed to span nearly an hour,
But not to be nitpicky, that would make the tale go sour,
And they made it with not a second to spare,
Hurled to earth, with a great heroic flair,
Though the world was saved from the lowering of the shields,
Which then exposed the ships' weakness, big as fields,
The two who uploaded the virus needed to be safe,
For their women stayed behind because there needed to be someone to chafe
If the return of the men was not prompt, if this crazy plan didn't work,
If doomsday in its essence around the corner did lurk,
But alas, later than expected, the men did arrive,
Ambling across the desert, not a scratch on either hide,
Each was hugged and kissed enough for a few,
Now was a perfect time to get married too,
For after all if there's anything you learn from the show,
If there's anything that absolutely everyone should know,
It's that the law of the universe faithfully bends,
And the good guy and humanity in the end always wins.
Words Between Lyle and the others in the van
Though I'd never say naught but you are genuine and clever,
That story seems familiar, I swear, or my right arm I'd sever,
Said Veronica, who that time had already guessed,
Where that story by some other medium was professed,
But Lyle shook his head and wearily sighed,
Look, it's not as if I said it was mine and lied,
It was merely an attempt at a sardonic look,
At a movie that at one time had me by the hook,
But when more carefully observed it is plain to see,
It has more plot holes than a termite infested tree.
Not to say it's not enjoyable, I was trying to have some fun,
From the rest of your stories I think I was the only one.
Veronica pouted a bit, then stiffened her lip,
For a story was surely on the tongue's tip,
Of Linda and Diana, who stood eager to tell,
But it was the chaperone who was the reason their hearts fell,
Sorry girls, she shrugged, we're at our destination,
We can't hear your insanity or sexual exploitation,
Maybe on the way home young ones, but for now it is forgotten,
Or at least I hope it will be, I think those tales were rotten.
The dance is what we came for anyway, so get your butts out,
And I will say this now, though I've never been very devout,
Praise the lord I have the next few hours to myself,
I'll be needing them if I'm to retain my mental health.
And with that they all shoved off to the dance,
Not giving the van a first or second glance,
Forgetting the stories they'd so recently told,
Forgetting the grudges made, they were old.
The chaperone decided never to drive teenagers again,
She couldn't stand their raunchy minds to begin,
And plus she'd be up past one am living in nightmare,
At least there are only two proms, and her other kids weren't there.