Title: Adiemus
Author: Jenn
E-Mail: jalcivar@gmu.edu
Category: MSR, MulderAngst
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Sein Und Zeit, Closure
Distribution: Ask me first (I usually say yes g)
Disclaimer: "The X-Files", Dana Scully, Fox Mulder and any other character you recognize belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox Television.
Summary: post-Closure. Mulder reflects on what he has learned.
Author Beginning Notes: I've never written a Mulder POV story before, so please bear with me. His character has always been a mystery to me (I identify more with Scully), but now I think I understand him a little better. Well, you tell me, feedback is treasured.
It's a long dark highway back the airport, the kind that leaves a man dangerously alone with his thoughts. This man in particular has done enough thinking and reasoning for a lifetime, but my mind keeps going, keeps puzzling through all the details.
Where do I go from here? I saw my sister. For real, I think. She was taken from me so long ago, but today I got her back if only for a few precious seconds. I really felt I was hugging her. I could smell her hair and feel her tiny arms wrap around me. I could hear her breathing.
But that means she is dead. It's over. My life's work, my quest, my purpose, it's really over. I found my sister, not in a place would have thought to look if not for Amber Lynn LaPierre, but I found her. My last goal has been completed. So now what?
I've got my closure. My work here is done. Or is it?
The conspiracy has been exposed, the Consortium has disbanded, and now, I found my sister. CancerMan is still out there, but he poses no real threat (although I think Scully really needs to start locking her doors). My quest for the truth has now been neatly wrapped up in a nice little package.
"You've been really quiet. Thinking about Samantha?"
Scully's voice quietly invades my thoughts, cautiously as if she's not sure whether we can talk about this yet.
"Actually no, I wasn't. I mean, I was, but more as how this is affecting me."
Okay, that sounded a tad narcissistic, but it's the truth. Now that I've found the truth about my sister, there's no reason to hold back anything else. The truth was out there, but now I've held it in my arms. I've embraced the truth and it's time. The day I never thought would come has arrived. It's time for me to walk away. I've found my answers; let someone else worry about the rest. I've lost and found all I need to in this life.
"How IS this affecting you, Mulder?"
I was silent for a moment. Truth or not, expressing my feelings has never been a strong suit. Oh I put my heart on my sleeve, sure, but the reason for that is so that all can see how I feel...so I don't have say it myself. I let people make their own judgements based on what they see; it's easier that way. But this is Scully -- she sees the heart and she knows what it means. Now she wants me to say it out loud to her. She needs to hear it as much as she knows I need to say it. She won't let me take the coward's way out.
"Did you ever run so fast that you thought your legs would fall off? You know just running because you could, because you were young and you had no idea that you weren't supposed to run that fast, that you would be sore the next day?"
Scully was silent, her eyes levelly on the road when I looked to her for a response. It's almost as if she knew this was leading somewhere. I wasn't dodging her question, just answering it at my own pace, in my own way.
"I loved to run when I was a kid. I'd run everywhere. The other kids would ride their bikes to the beach or to town, but I would run. I loved listening to the wind rush past my ears, making it impossible to hear anything else.
"It was also something I'd do to ditch Samantha. She couldn't run as fast as I could, so when I wanted her to leave me alone, I would just start running. She'd chase me every time, but eventually she's give up or her legs would give out. I'd keep going though, flying through all the neighborhoods, through town and toward the beach. I knew I'd be safe from her annoying behavior there because Mom wouldn't let her go all the way to the beach by herself. At the beach, I would sit out on the end of the pier and watch the waves crash, alone with my thoughts, the way I liked it.
"Then Samantha was gone and I continued to run. This time, though, there wasn't anyone chasing me besides my own guilt. I would keep looking behind me, hoping to catch a glimpse of my sister, but she was never there. So I stopped running. I threw myself into my school work instead. I found a new passion and I didn't start running again until I started training for the Academy."
"Mulder, what are you trying to say?"
"I think it's time for me to stop running. The X-Files has always been my way to put an official stamp on my journey to find my sister. There's no need for me to keep glancing behind me; I can stop looking because I found her. I've reached the end of the road. I'm at the end of the pier and all I want to do now is rest and watch the waves."
"You're quitting..."
"Because I've found what I set out to find. My heart's not in it anymore. I've found my Truth. The only question now for me is what about you? What do you want to do?"
"What are you implying, Mulder? That we both just quit? So now that you've found your sister, all the mysteries buried in all those files, they just stay buried? This isn't like you Mulder. You're not a quitter."
"Scully, I'm almost forty years old. I've got a one bedroom apartment and an obsession to my name. I'm just thinking that maybe I need to stop looking for what isn't there and start concentrating on what is. Like you, for example."
Scully turned her head slightly, giving me an inquisitive look before returning her attention to the wheel. We were approaching the airport and it's a tricky exit.
"I'm not saying I want to shut down the X-Files and become a porn star. I'm just saying I need to move on with my life, with you."
"Mulder, you're not making any sense. You just keep talking in the same damn circle. What the hell are you trying to say?"
"Scully, you want to go to Disneyland? I think we've earned a vacation."
To her credit, Scully gave me the traditional "You have lost your mind" look before easing the car onto the on-ramp, following the signs marked Anaheim.
The End
Author's Ending Notes:
Okay, that was not how I expected to end this, but I think it worked ok. Believe it or not, I got the running idea from an episode of Friends (no copyright infringement meant there either). The title came from a group by that name who perform a song by that name which sounds a lot like the Moby music from the dream sequences. I know this is not the best post-Closure story out there, but it's my best attempt, so let me know what you think. As always, the address is: sexyphile@hotmail.com
Author: Jenn
E-Mail: jalcivar@gmu.edu
Category: MSR, MulderAngst
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Sein Und Zeit, Closure
Distribution: Ask me first (I usually say yes g)
Disclaimer: "The X-Files", Dana Scully, Fox Mulder and any other character you recognize belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox Television.
Summary: post-Closure. Mulder reflects on what he has learned.
Author Beginning Notes: I've never written a Mulder POV story before, so please bear with me. His character has always been a mystery to me (I identify more with Scully), but now I think I understand him a little better. Well, you tell me, feedback is treasured.
It's a long dark highway back the airport, the kind that leaves a man dangerously alone with his thoughts. This man in particular has done enough thinking and reasoning for a lifetime, but my mind keeps going, keeps puzzling through all the details.
Where do I go from here? I saw my sister. For real, I think. She was taken from me so long ago, but today I got her back if only for a few precious seconds. I really felt I was hugging her. I could smell her hair and feel her tiny arms wrap around me. I could hear her breathing.
But that means she is dead. It's over. My life's work, my quest, my purpose, it's really over. I found my sister, not in a place would have thought to look if not for Amber Lynn LaPierre, but I found her. My last goal has been completed. So now what?
I've got my closure. My work here is done. Or is it?
The conspiracy has been exposed, the Consortium has disbanded, and now, I found my sister. CancerMan is still out there, but he poses no real threat (although I think Scully really needs to start locking her doors). My quest for the truth has now been neatly wrapped up in a nice little package.
"You've been really quiet. Thinking about Samantha?"
Scully's voice quietly invades my thoughts, cautiously as if she's not sure whether we can talk about this yet.
"Actually no, I wasn't. I mean, I was, but more as how this is affecting me."
Okay, that sounded a tad narcissistic, but it's the truth. Now that I've found the truth about my sister, there's no reason to hold back anything else. The truth was out there, but now I've held it in my arms. I've embraced the truth and it's time. The day I never thought would come has arrived. It's time for me to walk away. I've found my answers; let someone else worry about the rest. I've lost and found all I need to in this life.
"How IS this affecting you, Mulder?"
I was silent for a moment. Truth or not, expressing my feelings has never been a strong suit. Oh I put my heart on my sleeve, sure, but the reason for that is so that all can see how I feel...so I don't have say it myself. I let people make their own judgements based on what they see; it's easier that way. But this is Scully -- she sees the heart and she knows what it means. Now she wants me to say it out loud to her. She needs to hear it as much as she knows I need to say it. She won't let me take the coward's way out.
"Did you ever run so fast that you thought your legs would fall off? You know just running because you could, because you were young and you had no idea that you weren't supposed to run that fast, that you would be sore the next day?"
Scully was silent, her eyes levelly on the road when I looked to her for a response. It's almost as if she knew this was leading somewhere. I wasn't dodging her question, just answering it at my own pace, in my own way.
"I loved to run when I was a kid. I'd run everywhere. The other kids would ride their bikes to the beach or to town, but I would run. I loved listening to the wind rush past my ears, making it impossible to hear anything else.
"It was also something I'd do to ditch Samantha. She couldn't run as fast as I could, so when I wanted her to leave me alone, I would just start running. She'd chase me every time, but eventually she's give up or her legs would give out. I'd keep going though, flying through all the neighborhoods, through town and toward the beach. I knew I'd be safe from her annoying behavior there because Mom wouldn't let her go all the way to the beach by herself. At the beach, I would sit out on the end of the pier and watch the waves crash, alone with my thoughts, the way I liked it.
"Then Samantha was gone and I continued to run. This time, though, there wasn't anyone chasing me besides my own guilt. I would keep looking behind me, hoping to catch a glimpse of my sister, but she was never there. So I stopped running. I threw myself into my school work instead. I found a new passion and I didn't start running again until I started training for the Academy."
"Mulder, what are you trying to say?"
"I think it's time for me to stop running. The X-Files has always been my way to put an official stamp on my journey to find my sister. There's no need for me to keep glancing behind me; I can stop looking because I found her. I've reached the end of the road. I'm at the end of the pier and all I want to do now is rest and watch the waves."
"You're quitting..."
"Because I've found what I set out to find. My heart's not in it anymore. I've found my Truth. The only question now for me is what about you? What do you want to do?"
"What are you implying, Mulder? That we both just quit? So now that you've found your sister, all the mysteries buried in all those files, they just stay buried? This isn't like you Mulder. You're not a quitter."
"Scully, I'm almost forty years old. I've got a one bedroom apartment and an obsession to my name. I'm just thinking that maybe I need to stop looking for what isn't there and start concentrating on what is. Like you, for example."
Scully turned her head slightly, giving me an inquisitive look before returning her attention to the wheel. We were approaching the airport and it's a tricky exit.
"I'm not saying I want to shut down the X-Files and become a porn star. I'm just saying I need to move on with my life, with you."
"Mulder, you're not making any sense. You just keep talking in the same damn circle. What the hell are you trying to say?"
"Scully, you want to go to Disneyland? I think we've earned a vacation."
To her credit, Scully gave me the traditional "You have lost your mind" look before easing the car onto the on-ramp, following the signs marked Anaheim.
The End
Author's Ending Notes:
Okay, that was not how I expected to end this, but I think it worked ok. Believe it or not, I got the running idea from an episode of Friends (no copyright infringement meant there either). The title came from a group by that name who perform a song by that name which sounds a lot like the Moby music from the dream sequences. I know this is not the best post-Closure story out there, but it's my best attempt, so let me know what you think. As always, the address is: sexyphile@hotmail.com