The Selphie Tilmitt Guide to Making Boys Like You.
Greetings, young lady! If you're reading this book, you're probably wondering, "I'm sick and tired of the boys not calling on me! What do I do to get boys to fall all over themselves for me?" Well, dry your eyes, because I, Sselphie Tilmitt (The extra "S" is for sex!) is here to help you get any guy you want! You may wonder, "What are my qualifications?" All I need to reply is, You know that guy who made the "Perswaying Ladies" handbook? He's my man. Do you need any more clues about my skill? If you're sane, you don't. Now, to give you the tips necessary to have boys flock all over you!
1) Appearance(Upper.).
The first important rule is to have a nice appearance. Now, your mothers may have told you that "If you keep clean, then boys will flock to your door!" or your fathers saying "You're the most beautiful girl in the world!" However, you're a young woman now, and I'm here to tell you that they're bullshitting. You are NOT the most beautiful girl in the world. For that matter, you're not in the top one million. If you're clean, the boys will NOT flock to your door. They'll think you're too straight-laced to party and will look for a "dirtier" girl. I know what you're asking, "But Selphie, how do I get guys to notice me if this is the case?" The answer: COVER UP EVERYTHING. My advice is to look through your favorite magazine, pick out a random attractive person with basic features like yourself, and keep putting on makeup until you look exactly like her. Some tips:
1) In this work, always apply a primer coat. (It will hide pimples, blackheads, and other minor skin marks that make you less pretty.)
2) Get a picture of this person. (I cannot stress this enough. A person who attempted this trick tried to put on the makeup to a TV show with their Makeup Mentor on it, but her little brother changed the channel, leaving it on a Mr. Bill sketch from Saturday Night Live. She went to school that day looking exactly like Tammy Faye Bakker, and the boys never looked twice at her again.)
3) Beg one of those artsy kids to draw the person's face on yours.
4) Walk out of the place looking pretty.
Here is just one example of this from my own experience:
"ZELL!"
"What do you want now, Selphie?"
"Couldja do me a HUGE favor?"
"What now?"
"I need someone to draw this picture on my face..."
"Oh, all right. What's the promise?"
"Um, I'll let you be seen with me...."
"Seen with you? I'm already seen with you a lot!"
"...and I'll buy you a couple hot dogs."
"WOO HOO! You've got a deal!"
I proceeded to get this guy to do the artwork on my face.
"Zell? How do I look?"
"You look like a million bucks." I checked the mirror...."AAAAHHH! WHAT'S THIS BLACK SCAR ON MY FACE?"
"Oh, sorry. Glare. I'll get it..."
"ZELL! You've fixed it! I look pretty! Now that transfer guy Johnny Football-Hero's going to be so pleased...."
"Oh...yeah...Glad you're happy..."
This experience should teach you a lesson:
Selphie's tips to Looking Pretty #7: Always keep a list of people who are crushing on you at any moment handy. You can use them, abuse them, and they'll still be too dazed from just being with you to care!
Now that our face is pretty, this brings us to the hair. A lot of people think that boys enjoy haircuts based on how your face looks or if it is just additional to how pretty it makes your face look. This is fine, but I prefer results. As you obviously know, it's not enough to be pretty, you also have to be popular! It is because of this that I prefer a haircut like my own: Short, curved at the bottoms, and with a special hairspray around the bottoms that is a mixture of Propecia and Viagra. In this manner, my hair is perfect to be the pretty little semen receptacle that all of the boys flock to. If you follow this as well, boys will beat a path to your door!
However, this isn't enough to just have you be pretty. It's also necessary to be the prettiest girl, period. Some tips to have this occur, from my own occurence:
"Quistis! Hi! Listen, I was wondering, could you help me get some practice on magic?"
"Sure. Trying your limit break, eh? Let 'er rip..."
"WATER! NOW!" The water headed straight for Quistis's face.
"YOU LITTLE BITCH! MY MAKEUP'S RUINED!I'LL GET YOU!" She tried to run after me with that Aqua Breath she has, but I quickly turned around and sacrificed the back of my hair for the whole package. "Next stop, Rinoa..."
APPEARANCE (Middle/Bottom.)
Ah, yes, the problems of youth. All of the good foods are so fattening. Most people will show easier things if you're a little overweight, like that whole "Marilyn Monroe was a size 14" or "In the Renaissance, a heavy-set woman was the picture of beauty..." THIS IS BULLSHIT. Unless the boys in your town are all into Marilyn Monroe (read: Homosexuals) or are remnants of time compression from the Renaissance, lack of weight is in. You should definitely start a diet, much like the one I'm on: Nothing for breakfast, nothing for lunch, and a sensible dinner, consisting of nothing. It might be hard, but in the end, you'll be pretty!
However, I know your questioning. "But, isn't not eating bad for you?" Yes, it is. I mean, if you just don't eat, eventually your body will take away fat from the places where you need some fat in order to be pretty, namely, the breasts and butt. If you're flat in those two places, only a few people will think you're pretty. Due to this, I've used a special liquid that works wonders for me:
"Damn, guys, this meal was great! I'm stuffed!" Before people knew it, I had excused myself to get help for this.
"Dr.Kadowaki!... Dr. Kadowaki! I...need..some...help..."
"Selphie! What's wrong with you now?"
"Quistis...got angry...slipped poison in my meal..." Damn, I deserve an Oscar.
"QUICK! Here. Drink this Ipecac syrup. It'll be all right..." YES! I got it!
As you can see, I'm now able to lose weight, and manage to keep fat in places where it's pretty! If you follow this, you'll be able to manage this as well!
CLOTHING:
The clothes of course, make the woman. Here are some hints on what to wear in order to maximize being pretty:
A picture of Quistis. Caption: "As you can see, this one is good...if you're looking for a prom dress. It has just enough skin to make the guy hot for the entire night without making you look like a cheap whore.However, if you use this as a full-time outfit, either you're a cheap whore or you are completely insecure."
A picture of Rinoa. Caption: "This one doesn't do as much, either. The cape wouldn't work well unless you plan to drop gracefully down to wherever you plan to meet them. In addition, the clothing underneath the cape shows that this person's trying desperately to be 'one of the boys', which is never a good thing. Guys make fun of their sisters, they never think that they're pretty."
A picture of Selphie. Caption: "My outfit is the complete 'yes' outfit! It's immensely short, as you can see. This is necessary to maximize the skin being shown, because if you are nearly naked with your clothes, boys will think of you being naked, and then they think of sex! When coupled with my habit of never wearing anything underneath (I cannot stress this enough for the same reasons above...), I look really pretty in this entire outfit!
OTHER:
There are some habits that the truly pretty girl shouldn't have. I will go through them as follows:
DRUG USE:
Some of the more popular drugs will involve not looking pretty. Most of your really addicting drugs (Tobacco, Crack, Heroin) will only prove to make you decidedly not pretty. (However, some drugs like: Alcohol [Alcohol makes you less subsceptible to reason, which makes you popular!], Sugar [If I ever eat, it's at least 5 pounds of that sweet white stuff a day!], and Ecstasy [Ecstasy makes you attainable!] are perfect for the person who wants to be truly pretty.)
INTELLIGENCE:
Don't allow it. If you're being macked on by a cute guy, and he hears some really big word come out of your mouth, he'll think you're a smart chick. If you remember anything from this, using big words makes boys not like you.
FAQ.
Now, it's time for me to field some questions from fans.
Question 1:
"Selphie, I was wondering. If not eating makes you pretty, but swallowing makes you popular, which is more important?"
Ah, yes, the eternal question. Is it nobler to not swallow, staying pretty but having that boy not like you, or swallow, making you popular with boys but eventually get fat and ugly? The answer for this is somewhat complicated. I've tried to go through with this by putting it all in one cheek and just clearing my throat, giving the appearance that I swallowed. Once they leave (they always leave immediately after they go), I spit it. Simple?
I think I've gotten all of the questions that I could find. As a result, I hope now that you know how to be truly pretty!
_______________________________________________________________________________________
MEMO to all females:
THIS IS NOT THE OPINION OF THE AUTHOR. At last check, I was male, so I assume I can give the right advice:
Just be yourself. If you're real, guys feel that and won't care about the rest. We (at least the ones who are worth the trouble) don't give a damn what you look like. Most guys just care about the person we'd have to live with for 80 or so years, not the person we'd only have fading memories of 20 years from now. If a guy ever thinks anything different, find someone worth your fricking time.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Greetings, young lady! If you're reading this book, you're probably wondering, "I'm sick and tired of the boys not calling on me! What do I do to get boys to fall all over themselves for me?" Well, dry your eyes, because I, Sselphie Tilmitt (The extra "S" is for sex!) is here to help you get any guy you want! You may wonder, "What are my qualifications?" All I need to reply is, You know that guy who made the "Perswaying Ladies" handbook? He's my man. Do you need any more clues about my skill? If you're sane, you don't. Now, to give you the tips necessary to have boys flock all over you!
1) Appearance(Upper.).
The first important rule is to have a nice appearance. Now, your mothers may have told you that "If you keep clean, then boys will flock to your door!" or your fathers saying "You're the most beautiful girl in the world!" However, you're a young woman now, and I'm here to tell you that they're bullshitting. You are NOT the most beautiful girl in the world. For that matter, you're not in the top one million. If you're clean, the boys will NOT flock to your door. They'll think you're too straight-laced to party and will look for a "dirtier" girl. I know what you're asking, "But Selphie, how do I get guys to notice me if this is the case?" The answer: COVER UP EVERYTHING. My advice is to look through your favorite magazine, pick out a random attractive person with basic features like yourself, and keep putting on makeup until you look exactly like her. Some tips:
1) In this work, always apply a primer coat. (It will hide pimples, blackheads, and other minor skin marks that make you less pretty.)
2) Get a picture of this person. (I cannot stress this enough. A person who attempted this trick tried to put on the makeup to a TV show with their Makeup Mentor on it, but her little brother changed the channel, leaving it on a Mr. Bill sketch from Saturday Night Live. She went to school that day looking exactly like Tammy Faye Bakker, and the boys never looked twice at her again.)
3) Beg one of those artsy kids to draw the person's face on yours.
4) Walk out of the place looking pretty.
Here is just one example of this from my own experience:
"ZELL!"
"What do you want now, Selphie?"
"Couldja do me a HUGE favor?"
"What now?"
"I need someone to draw this picture on my face..."
"Oh, all right. What's the promise?"
"Um, I'll let you be seen with me...."
"Seen with you? I'm already seen with you a lot!"
"...and I'll buy you a couple hot dogs."
"WOO HOO! You've got a deal!"
I proceeded to get this guy to do the artwork on my face.
"Zell? How do I look?"
"You look like a million bucks." I checked the mirror...."AAAAHHH! WHAT'S THIS BLACK SCAR ON MY FACE?"
"Oh, sorry. Glare. I'll get it..."
"ZELL! You've fixed it! I look pretty! Now that transfer guy Johnny Football-Hero's going to be so pleased...."
"Oh...yeah...Glad you're happy..."
This experience should teach you a lesson:
Selphie's tips to Looking Pretty #7: Always keep a list of people who are crushing on you at any moment handy. You can use them, abuse them, and they'll still be too dazed from just being with you to care!
Now that our face is pretty, this brings us to the hair. A lot of people think that boys enjoy haircuts based on how your face looks or if it is just additional to how pretty it makes your face look. This is fine, but I prefer results. As you obviously know, it's not enough to be pretty, you also have to be popular! It is because of this that I prefer a haircut like my own: Short, curved at the bottoms, and with a special hairspray around the bottoms that is a mixture of Propecia and Viagra. In this manner, my hair is perfect to be the pretty little semen receptacle that all of the boys flock to. If you follow this as well, boys will beat a path to your door!
However, this isn't enough to just have you be pretty. It's also necessary to be the prettiest girl, period. Some tips to have this occur, from my own occurence:
"Quistis! Hi! Listen, I was wondering, could you help me get some practice on magic?"
"Sure. Trying your limit break, eh? Let 'er rip..."
"WATER! NOW!" The water headed straight for Quistis's face.
"YOU LITTLE BITCH! MY MAKEUP'S RUINED!I'LL GET YOU!" She tried to run after me with that Aqua Breath she has, but I quickly turned around and sacrificed the back of my hair for the whole package. "Next stop, Rinoa..."
APPEARANCE (Middle/Bottom.)
Ah, yes, the problems of youth. All of the good foods are so fattening. Most people will show easier things if you're a little overweight, like that whole "Marilyn Monroe was a size 14" or "In the Renaissance, a heavy-set woman was the picture of beauty..." THIS IS BULLSHIT. Unless the boys in your town are all into Marilyn Monroe (read: Homosexuals) or are remnants of time compression from the Renaissance, lack of weight is in. You should definitely start a diet, much like the one I'm on: Nothing for breakfast, nothing for lunch, and a sensible dinner, consisting of nothing. It might be hard, but in the end, you'll be pretty!
However, I know your questioning. "But, isn't not eating bad for you?" Yes, it is. I mean, if you just don't eat, eventually your body will take away fat from the places where you need some fat in order to be pretty, namely, the breasts and butt. If you're flat in those two places, only a few people will think you're pretty. Due to this, I've used a special liquid that works wonders for me:
"Damn, guys, this meal was great! I'm stuffed!" Before people knew it, I had excused myself to get help for this.
"Dr.Kadowaki!... Dr. Kadowaki! I...need..some...help..."
"Selphie! What's wrong with you now?"
"Quistis...got angry...slipped poison in my meal..." Damn, I deserve an Oscar.
"QUICK! Here. Drink this Ipecac syrup. It'll be all right..." YES! I got it!
As you can see, I'm now able to lose weight, and manage to keep fat in places where it's pretty! If you follow this, you'll be able to manage this as well!
CLOTHING:
The clothes of course, make the woman. Here are some hints on what to wear in order to maximize being pretty:
A picture of Quistis. Caption: "As you can see, this one is good...if you're looking for a prom dress. It has just enough skin to make the guy hot for the entire night without making you look like a cheap whore.However, if you use this as a full-time outfit, either you're a cheap whore or you are completely insecure."
A picture of Rinoa. Caption: "This one doesn't do as much, either. The cape wouldn't work well unless you plan to drop gracefully down to wherever you plan to meet them. In addition, the clothing underneath the cape shows that this person's trying desperately to be 'one of the boys', which is never a good thing. Guys make fun of their sisters, they never think that they're pretty."
A picture of Selphie. Caption: "My outfit is the complete 'yes' outfit! It's immensely short, as you can see. This is necessary to maximize the skin being shown, because if you are nearly naked with your clothes, boys will think of you being naked, and then they think of sex! When coupled with my habit of never wearing anything underneath (I cannot stress this enough for the same reasons above...), I look really pretty in this entire outfit!
OTHER:
There are some habits that the truly pretty girl shouldn't have. I will go through them as follows:
DRUG USE:
Some of the more popular drugs will involve not looking pretty. Most of your really addicting drugs (Tobacco, Crack, Heroin) will only prove to make you decidedly not pretty. (However, some drugs like: Alcohol [Alcohol makes you less subsceptible to reason, which makes you popular!], Sugar [If I ever eat, it's at least 5 pounds of that sweet white stuff a day!], and Ecstasy [Ecstasy makes you attainable!] are perfect for the person who wants to be truly pretty.)
INTELLIGENCE:
Don't allow it. If you're being macked on by a cute guy, and he hears some really big word come out of your mouth, he'll think you're a smart chick. If you remember anything from this, using big words makes boys not like you.
FAQ.
Now, it's time for me to field some questions from fans.
Question 1:
"Selphie, I was wondering. If not eating makes you pretty, but swallowing makes you popular, which is more important?"
Ah, yes, the eternal question. Is it nobler to not swallow, staying pretty but having that boy not like you, or swallow, making you popular with boys but eventually get fat and ugly? The answer for this is somewhat complicated. I've tried to go through with this by putting it all in one cheek and just clearing my throat, giving the appearance that I swallowed. Once they leave (they always leave immediately after they go), I spit it. Simple?
I think I've gotten all of the questions that I could find. As a result, I hope now that you know how to be truly pretty!
_______________________________________________________________________________________
MEMO to all females:
THIS IS NOT THE OPINION OF THE AUTHOR. At last check, I was male, so I assume I can give the right advice:
Just be yourself. If you're real, guys feel that and won't care about the rest. We (at least the ones who are worth the trouble) don't give a damn what you look like. Most guys just care about the person we'd have to live with for 80 or so years, not the person we'd only have fading memories of 20 years from now. If a guy ever thinks anything different, find someone worth your fricking time.
_______________________________________________________________________________________