Quistis's Guide to Dealing with Admirers.
Hello, all you attractive people out there! If you're like me, you have the most intense problem possible: You are too damn pretty for your own good and people are beating paths down to hook up with you. This can be good- in small doses. After that, it gets boring when you have people flocking to follow you around like you're some kind of female Fred Durst. It is because of these things that I've decided to help you get a handle on these things quickly and easily. What are my qualifications? Well, I'm very attractive and have what people call a "wicked body", and I'm frequently followed before, during, and after classes by a strange "fan club" full of admirers of both sexes, all trying to get a piece of me. Now, let's help you get some breathing room!
1) THE FAKE NUMBER.
One of the most important ways to get rid of pesky admirers is the fake number. This is perfect because the admirer thinks that he's "money", while you get rid of him. Here is just an example of this when used properly:
"Ah, Ms.Trepe!"
"What do you need now?"
"Well, you see, I might need some help with the work later on, and I was wondering if you could..."
"Oh. Well, do you have a pen? My number is...767-9008. Do you have it? Perfect. Now, just call if you need the help, okay? There's a good lad."
"YES! I'm SO in..."
As you can see, everyone ends up happy. But I know what you're thinking. "Quistis, what if I can't think of a number off the top of my head?" Well, that's why you need to know all your close confidants' numbers, friend and foe alike. Let's go back to this scene...
"Okay, got the Barry White voice, got the look, now to call..."
"Hello?"
"Um, uh, is Instructor Trepe there?"
"No, this is Rinoa. Can I help you...?"
As you can see, I made this guy the problem of my DEAR friend Rinoa. That will serve her right. I mean, come on! I called Squall, I was all set to make him a man the night they made him a SeeD, that little bitch comes out of nowhere and cunt-blocks me? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not bitter or anything...Let's move on, shall we?
2) SMILE, NOD, RUN
This one is probably the most basic of all techniques. It should be self-explanatory. However, I must warn people that this is only a beginner's technique and should be avoided if you know any other way to attract a man, as this has been known to encourage admirers in many cases. It's relatively cheap in its expense of energy, but you get what you pay for.
3) MOVING IN PACKS
This is probably both the most safe way to travel if you have a lot of admirers. If you have a few people with you, you will always have someone to talk to so that you don't have to pay attention to the admirers and not risk looking like you're schizophrenic (See "FAKING PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDERS.") For a good example, I've got a sample of the pack I'll usually hide in in order to get free from admirers:
RINOA- Cute, somewhat less threatening to guys, has boyfriend that 90% of my "school" is CONVINCED they can take in a fight. Always good to hang around with. Plus, she goes for one of my admirers, I am free to go after...Come on, you can do this, he's Rinoa's, tell yourself that...
SELPHIE- She's not as cute as me, but she has a reputation of being what they call a "good time girl." ALWAYS have your school's "bicycle" in your pack, as nothing shakes off an admirer more than a booty call.
In addition, these people will likely both be somewhat attractive (easy way to get rid of admirers; find someone else for them!) and may have their own admirers who may be more...interesting than yours! All things considered, this is one of your safest bets.
4) TRY TO LOOK MATURE.
It is a well known fact that being smart makes boys not like you. As a result, to dispel the effect of your charms from boys, ACT SMART. It helps if, like me, you actually ARE smart, but seeing as many of you will read this after hearing the effects of my dear friend Selphie's tips and taking them to heart, I can't really vouch for that part. If all else fails, do the following to look mature:
i.) Dress in the nicest clothes you can find,
ii.) Always carry books for your classes around with you,
iii.) Wear glasses, whether you need them or not,
iv.) Cultivate an interest in the most pretentious music you can stomach (Blur, Harvey Danger, and Matthew Sweet are my personal faves in that department,)
v.) SUPPRESS YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.
However, I must warn you: No matter what you thought when you were younger, smoking will NOT make you look mature. In fact, it will make the guys think you're much more rough-edged than most girls, which will make them convinced you're ready to party.
5) KNOW WHEN TO KICK SOME ASS.
This is entirely important. Kicking ass is the best way to eliminate your most persistant admirers. If you have some small amount of weaponry (mace or such), don't be afraid to corner them and use it (for safety reasons, ONLY do it if you see them outside of school.) I myself can't count all of the times when "Save the Queen" saved me from my most persistent admirers.
6) PLAY ALONG.
Hey, sometimes nothing's going on. Your admirers are always a good source of entertainment, so just go with it. It's like having your own personal Jenova's Witness/Door-to-Door Salesman/Zell to make fun of without having to risk them getting really mad and leaving, because they like you too much to do so! Just sit back, listen, and have a ball! (WARNING: If you play along too much, you could risk them thinking you like them.)
7) CLAIM TO HAVE STRANGE FOREIGN BELIEFS.
This is yet another one that takes some serious skill to pull off, but the skills necessary are often not worth the risk this involves. While beliefs that range from the mild "Men in my country always wear brassieres...I am so homesick!" to the advanced, "If you want me, you need to get a circumcision ritual , with no anasthetic, that has to be done by the gunblade of the pure, while the administeree has imbibed some spirits to purify himself...", they can often be humorous enough to put a smile on anyone's face. However, the risk from this comes twofold:
i.) If you say these are the norm for people in "your country" and you'll go for someone who'll do this for you, if someone's crazy enough to do the act of this, you're required to go out with the person. This is part of the IGC, and not following through puts you at risk of your name and number (I sincerely hope for this you followed #1 here) with the word "Skank" in many different parts of the message.
ii.) The "cute foreign girl" act has been found in many instances to be a "turn-on" to guys.
8) AVOID EYE CONTACT.
Remember, don't look these people in the eyes. Eye contact is a very bad thing, as it has been proven to lead those to lose their hearts in many situations. BE CAREFUL if you have to look at them; if you're annoyed by them following you around, imagine them when they're truly not thinking. (I know this pain too well. I saw a couple of people who I thought were just good students and acknowledged their existence. Now I'm the subject of some bizarre cult-like fan club based on me.)
9) GET A BOYFRIEND.
This is easier said than done...in most cases. However, if you can get a guy who can pretend to be your boyfriend easily, you'll be in clover. An example:
"SEIFER! Listen, I'm having some...trouble..."
"What do you need?"
"These crowds of people are going after me again, I was wondering, you'd play my boyfriend for me, right?"
"What's in it for me?"
"I'll help you get in with a SeeD retaking..."
"And...?"
"Well, you get to kick a lot of ass in the process of this!"
"EXCELLENT! I'm on it!"
"ALRIGHT, MOTHERFUCKERS, STAY AWAY FROM QUISTIS! SHE'S MY BITCH!"
"heeheehee..."
10) FAKE PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDERS.
Faking a psychological disorder is ALWAYS a goldmine to get people off your case. Here are a few that I enjoy immensely:
i.) TOURETTE'S SYNDROME
The old standby. Quick, easy to learn, and able to clear people away in a single bound...
"So, Quistis..."
"What do you want HAHAAHAHAL:AALLA!"
"Um, well, uh,..."
"Go ahead. Hit me with your BIG FAT DONKEY SCROTUM!"
"Um, I have to go..."
"Don't worry. I'm always free for a good DILDOSMACK....."
i/1.) MUSCULAR VERSION OF ABOVE
The more advanced version; you talk normal, but your muscles...
"Ms.Trepe!"
"Hi, what's going on?" ::elbows person in face::
"Why'd you do that for?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, it's a tic..."::backhands person::
"Geez, this is completely..."
"Tic..."::puts a vice-grip on genitals::
"OWWWWW!"
"I'm sorry, it's just this...thing I have..."::punches person in face::
"Well, geez, get that checked, I'm outta here!"
CONCLUSION
Basically, the most important thing you need to know is: Looks fade. All people (with the possible exceptions of the following: Zell Dincht, Alan Smithee...) will eventually find that person they're meant for. But until that happens, you're stuck with them. While you may not like it all of the time, you can at least make it interesting on yourself.
______________________________________________________________________________________
Author's Notes:
DON'T DO THIS TOO OFTEN. It gets REALLY annoying to people, and those admirers who want you bad enough will just keep at it anyways. (See future Guide.) Plus, the law of averages dictate that if you have enough admirers, at least one of them is worth a chance.
All Tips to get rid of Admirers in this fic (Well, save for the Psychological Disorders thing, that was all me) courtesy of Mariye. Be warned, all males reading the FF8 board, this kitten's apparently stolen a whip from Quistis.
Hello, all you attractive people out there! If you're like me, you have the most intense problem possible: You are too damn pretty for your own good and people are beating paths down to hook up with you. This can be good- in small doses. After that, it gets boring when you have people flocking to follow you around like you're some kind of female Fred Durst. It is because of these things that I've decided to help you get a handle on these things quickly and easily. What are my qualifications? Well, I'm very attractive and have what people call a "wicked body", and I'm frequently followed before, during, and after classes by a strange "fan club" full of admirers of both sexes, all trying to get a piece of me. Now, let's help you get some breathing room!
1) THE FAKE NUMBER.
One of the most important ways to get rid of pesky admirers is the fake number. This is perfect because the admirer thinks that he's "money", while you get rid of him. Here is just an example of this when used properly:
"Ah, Ms.Trepe!"
"What do you need now?"
"Well, you see, I might need some help with the work later on, and I was wondering if you could..."
"Oh. Well, do you have a pen? My number is...767-9008. Do you have it? Perfect. Now, just call if you need the help, okay? There's a good lad."
"YES! I'm SO in..."
As you can see, everyone ends up happy. But I know what you're thinking. "Quistis, what if I can't think of a number off the top of my head?" Well, that's why you need to know all your close confidants' numbers, friend and foe alike. Let's go back to this scene...
"Okay, got the Barry White voice, got the look, now to call..."
"Hello?"
"Um, uh, is Instructor Trepe there?"
"No, this is Rinoa. Can I help you...?"
As you can see, I made this guy the problem of my DEAR friend Rinoa. That will serve her right. I mean, come on! I called Squall, I was all set to make him a man the night they made him a SeeD, that little bitch comes out of nowhere and cunt-blocks me? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not bitter or anything...Let's move on, shall we?
2) SMILE, NOD, RUN
This one is probably the most basic of all techniques. It should be self-explanatory. However, I must warn people that this is only a beginner's technique and should be avoided if you know any other way to attract a man, as this has been known to encourage admirers in many cases. It's relatively cheap in its expense of energy, but you get what you pay for.
3) MOVING IN PACKS
This is probably both the most safe way to travel if you have a lot of admirers. If you have a few people with you, you will always have someone to talk to so that you don't have to pay attention to the admirers and not risk looking like you're schizophrenic (See "FAKING PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDERS.") For a good example, I've got a sample of the pack I'll usually hide in in order to get free from admirers:
RINOA- Cute, somewhat less threatening to guys, has boyfriend that 90% of my "school" is CONVINCED they can take in a fight. Always good to hang around with. Plus, she goes for one of my admirers, I am free to go after...Come on, you can do this, he's Rinoa's, tell yourself that...
SELPHIE- She's not as cute as me, but she has a reputation of being what they call a "good time girl." ALWAYS have your school's "bicycle" in your pack, as nothing shakes off an admirer more than a booty call.
In addition, these people will likely both be somewhat attractive (easy way to get rid of admirers; find someone else for them!) and may have their own admirers who may be more...interesting than yours! All things considered, this is one of your safest bets.
4) TRY TO LOOK MATURE.
It is a well known fact that being smart makes boys not like you. As a result, to dispel the effect of your charms from boys, ACT SMART. It helps if, like me, you actually ARE smart, but seeing as many of you will read this after hearing the effects of my dear friend Selphie's tips and taking them to heart, I can't really vouch for that part. If all else fails, do the following to look mature:
i.) Dress in the nicest clothes you can find,
ii.) Always carry books for your classes around with you,
iii.) Wear glasses, whether you need them or not,
iv.) Cultivate an interest in the most pretentious music you can stomach (Blur, Harvey Danger, and Matthew Sweet are my personal faves in that department,)
v.) SUPPRESS YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.
However, I must warn you: No matter what you thought when you were younger, smoking will NOT make you look mature. In fact, it will make the guys think you're much more rough-edged than most girls, which will make them convinced you're ready to party.
5) KNOW WHEN TO KICK SOME ASS.
This is entirely important. Kicking ass is the best way to eliminate your most persistant admirers. If you have some small amount of weaponry (mace or such), don't be afraid to corner them and use it (for safety reasons, ONLY do it if you see them outside of school.) I myself can't count all of the times when "Save the Queen" saved me from my most persistent admirers.
6) PLAY ALONG.
Hey, sometimes nothing's going on. Your admirers are always a good source of entertainment, so just go with it. It's like having your own personal Jenova's Witness/Door-to-Door Salesman/Zell to make fun of without having to risk them getting really mad and leaving, because they like you too much to do so! Just sit back, listen, and have a ball! (WARNING: If you play along too much, you could risk them thinking you like them.)
7) CLAIM TO HAVE STRANGE FOREIGN BELIEFS.
This is yet another one that takes some serious skill to pull off, but the skills necessary are often not worth the risk this involves. While beliefs that range from the mild "Men in my country always wear brassieres...I am so homesick!" to the advanced, "If you want me, you need to get a circumcision ritual , with no anasthetic, that has to be done by the gunblade of the pure, while the administeree has imbibed some spirits to purify himself...", they can often be humorous enough to put a smile on anyone's face. However, the risk from this comes twofold:
i.) If you say these are the norm for people in "your country" and you'll go for someone who'll do this for you, if someone's crazy enough to do the act of this, you're required to go out with the person. This is part of the IGC, and not following through puts you at risk of your name and number (I sincerely hope for this you followed #1 here) with the word "Skank" in many different parts of the message.
ii.) The "cute foreign girl" act has been found in many instances to be a "turn-on" to guys.
8) AVOID EYE CONTACT.
Remember, don't look these people in the eyes. Eye contact is a very bad thing, as it has been proven to lead those to lose their hearts in many situations. BE CAREFUL if you have to look at them; if you're annoyed by them following you around, imagine them when they're truly not thinking. (I know this pain too well. I saw a couple of people who I thought were just good students and acknowledged their existence. Now I'm the subject of some bizarre cult-like fan club based on me.)
9) GET A BOYFRIEND.
This is easier said than done...in most cases. However, if you can get a guy who can pretend to be your boyfriend easily, you'll be in clover. An example:
"SEIFER! Listen, I'm having some...trouble..."
"What do you need?"
"These crowds of people are going after me again, I was wondering, you'd play my boyfriend for me, right?"
"What's in it for me?"
"I'll help you get in with a SeeD retaking..."
"And...?"
"Well, you get to kick a lot of ass in the process of this!"
"EXCELLENT! I'm on it!"
"ALRIGHT, MOTHERFUCKERS, STAY AWAY FROM QUISTIS! SHE'S MY BITCH!"
"heeheehee..."
10) FAKE PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDERS.
Faking a psychological disorder is ALWAYS a goldmine to get people off your case. Here are a few that I enjoy immensely:
i.) TOURETTE'S SYNDROME
The old standby. Quick, easy to learn, and able to clear people away in a single bound...
"So, Quistis..."
"What do you want HAHAAHAHAL:AALLA!"
"Um, well, uh,..."
"Go ahead. Hit me with your BIG FAT DONKEY SCROTUM!"
"Um, I have to go..."
"Don't worry. I'm always free for a good DILDOSMACK....."
i/1.) MUSCULAR VERSION OF ABOVE
The more advanced version; you talk normal, but your muscles...
"Ms.Trepe!"
"Hi, what's going on?" ::elbows person in face::
"Why'd you do that for?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, it's a tic..."::backhands person::
"Geez, this is completely..."
"Tic..."::puts a vice-grip on genitals::
"OWWWWW!"
"I'm sorry, it's just this...thing I have..."::punches person in face::
"Well, geez, get that checked, I'm outta here!"
CONCLUSION
Basically, the most important thing you need to know is: Looks fade. All people (with the possible exceptions of the following: Zell Dincht, Alan Smithee...) will eventually find that person they're meant for. But until that happens, you're stuck with them. While you may not like it all of the time, you can at least make it interesting on yourself.
______________________________________________________________________________________
Author's Notes:
DON'T DO THIS TOO OFTEN. It gets REALLY annoying to people, and those admirers who want you bad enough will just keep at it anyways. (See future Guide.) Plus, the law of averages dictate that if you have enough admirers, at least one of them is worth a chance.
All Tips to get rid of Admirers in this fic (Well, save for the Psychological Disorders thing, that was all me) courtesy of Mariye. Be warned, all males reading the FF8 board, this kitten's apparently stolen a whip from Quistis.