Seifer's Guide to Dealing with Women's ways to Deal with Admirers.
Hello, bitch! If you're reading this message, you're probably frustrated with the ways that the object of your admiration is getting rid of giving you the lust object you want. However, me and my crack team of "scientists" to the female condition...
"He mentioned us, ya know?"
"SWEET..."
...have come up with some sure-fire ways to get rid of those pesky tactics. Remember before you do this: PEOPLE ARE EASILY DISTRACTED BY GATES. If you can get past the gates to a person, you're in. (All people are acted out by my female crack scientist.)
1) FAKE DIGITS BESIDES THOSE SOLD AROUND HALLOWEEN...
As you may have seen, the most well respected way to get past an admirer is the fake number. This can lead to trouble if she's doing anything, but it's easy to get past, using the following tools that I will demonstrate...
"What's up?"
"What do you want, Seifer?"
"Listen, I need some help with my SeeD exam, so I was wondering..."
"Listen, here's my number. Just call 767-9009 and I'll help you out..."
"Thank you SO much..."
Later that day...
"HEADMASTER CID! I...need to talk to you...."
"Seifer! What happened?"
"Accident...Training Center...Fujin...injured..."
"Oh, dear."
"I need to get her number so I can tell her parents to come get her..."
"Certainly, certainly, let me check, it's...867-5309. got it?"
"Thanks. I'll get right on it."
In the event that you're not in a place where they're known, just slowly follow the person until her name comes up in a conversation and check afterwards. Works a little better, possibly more if you can get both first and last name.
2) PHONY ALERT...
This is so easy, even the Chicken-Wuss could do it. Just run after them. Duh!
3) THE PACK OF FOXES: HOW TO GET PAST IT.
This could lead to some problems, UNLESS you do the sanest thing and get some friends to help out. I recommend enough people to either have one-to-one conversations or risk one of theirs needing to stop everyone at once. You should definitely have a good mix of people who are professional "grenade-stoppers" or people who actually admire the other ones in the pack. Once this occurs, you're in clover.
4) WHAT'S HER AGE AGAIN?
This is so easy it's insane. Just pretend to be mature yourself and wait until they slip up...
"This is such a wonderful night, eh, Seify?"
"You know it...it is so...inspiring..."
"Yeah, it's just really good..."
"I feel like writing great works about how perfect it feels...to be here...with you..."
"Really? That is just SOOOOOO cool!"
"CAUGHT YA! SUCK ME, BEAUTIFUL!"
5) YOU CAN'T GET YOUR ASS KICKED IF YOU DON'T TURN AROUND FOR IT...
This could not, would not, and cannot be tried on me, because I could wipe the floor with any bitch that tried it on me. If you're looking to me as a role model, I assume you can kick some ass, so you should be able to take them on. Just bitchslap them a few times and show them who the big dog is!
6) THEY CAN'T PLAY GAMES WITH YOU IF YOU ARE THE GAME...
Playing along is a little hard to check for, but if you can get your observational skills up there, you can work it. Just remember the following:
i.) If you ask if they're playing, they'll always reply "No."
ii.) Notice a few tell-tale signs about playing with you (most times, the person's voice and the look in their eyes will be slightly different if they're not sincere. Find these times and hammer them...)
"So, what's been going on?"
"You know, the normal stuff...Been thinking about you..."
"Oh, I've been...thinking about... you too..."
(3...2...1....)
"NO, I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU!"
"What?"
"YOU HEARD ME, EVERYONE! THIS PERSON TRIED TO OFFER ME 500 GIL IF I WOULD MAKE OUT WITH THEM!"
7) FOREIGN OBJECTS AND OTHER THINGS THAT LEAVE A MARK...
PLAY ALONG. I cannot stress that enough. If they say to wear a brasseire, DO IT. If they say to go around doing things that Tom Green would turn down as "too stupid" to people for their amusement, DO IT. If she wants you to get circumcised by a drunk guy with a gunblade, STAGE IT. Remember, the Inter-Gender Code says that if she tells you that if you do something that idiotic for her by her request, she must give you a chance. If you really like her, this should be no trouble at all.
8) EYE CONTACT IS FOR PUSSIES...
This is once again easy to get around. Just follow her facial movements to the point where your eyes are always with hers. If she turns her head down, just cradle her chin with your hand, recite some random poem to look "deep" (The one about the Man from Nantucket is my personal favorite for that...), and just reap the benefits.
9) BOYFRIEND? WHAT BOYFRIEND?
This seems completely iron-clad, but if you're serious enough, you can pull it off. Either disregard the guy and continue as normal (eventually they're bound to have a fight. Then just pull up before they make up, act all smooth, and drive a spike through any hopes of them reconciling. Then just run with it....) or just beat the hell out of the guy and pin it on a roving gang of hoodlums. (If you're DC like I am, swearing to find the real culprit and showing them what not to do allows you to beat up a random person AND gets you over with her!)
10) PSYCHE-OUT!
Just remake the Tourettes, and just dispel muscular like so...
"Hey! What's up!"
"Nothing, what about you...::elbows in face::"
"I don't know...::grabs chest::"
"What? ::slaps in face::"
"It's just that new tic thing...::grab them close to you(deep kiss always appropriate in this situation)::"
CONCLUSION
Basically, you may think that people are unreachable, but you couldn't be more wrong. You just need to know how to get through to them and work your skills. (Of course, it helps if you have some...) Well, once again, follow these rules or I'll get you on "The List" so fast....
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Note from the author:
The actions in this piece (particularly Operation: Dispel) have been proven to cause restraining orders and/or not get anywhere with the people you try them on. If you happen to get these things to happen to you, just claim someone who is not me or Seifer (do you WANT to go to the nut house?) told you to do it.
Hello, bitch! If you're reading this message, you're probably frustrated with the ways that the object of your admiration is getting rid of giving you the lust object you want. However, me and my crack team of "scientists" to the female condition...
"He mentioned us, ya know?"
"SWEET..."
...have come up with some sure-fire ways to get rid of those pesky tactics. Remember before you do this: PEOPLE ARE EASILY DISTRACTED BY GATES. If you can get past the gates to a person, you're in. (All people are acted out by my female crack scientist.)
1) FAKE DIGITS BESIDES THOSE SOLD AROUND HALLOWEEN...
As you may have seen, the most well respected way to get past an admirer is the fake number. This can lead to trouble if she's doing anything, but it's easy to get past, using the following tools that I will demonstrate...
"What's up?"
"What do you want, Seifer?"
"Listen, I need some help with my SeeD exam, so I was wondering..."
"Listen, here's my number. Just call 767-9009 and I'll help you out..."
"Thank you SO much..."
Later that day...
"HEADMASTER CID! I...need to talk to you...."
"Seifer! What happened?"
"Accident...Training Center...Fujin...injured..."
"Oh, dear."
"I need to get her number so I can tell her parents to come get her..."
"Certainly, certainly, let me check, it's...867-5309. got it?"
"Thanks. I'll get right on it."
In the event that you're not in a place where they're known, just slowly follow the person until her name comes up in a conversation and check afterwards. Works a little better, possibly more if you can get both first and last name.
2) PHONY ALERT...
This is so easy, even the Chicken-Wuss could do it. Just run after them. Duh!
3) THE PACK OF FOXES: HOW TO GET PAST IT.
This could lead to some problems, UNLESS you do the sanest thing and get some friends to help out. I recommend enough people to either have one-to-one conversations or risk one of theirs needing to stop everyone at once. You should definitely have a good mix of people who are professional "grenade-stoppers" or people who actually admire the other ones in the pack. Once this occurs, you're in clover.
4) WHAT'S HER AGE AGAIN?
This is so easy it's insane. Just pretend to be mature yourself and wait until they slip up...
"This is such a wonderful night, eh, Seify?"
"You know it...it is so...inspiring..."
"Yeah, it's just really good..."
"I feel like writing great works about how perfect it feels...to be here...with you..."
"Really? That is just SOOOOOO cool!"
"CAUGHT YA! SUCK ME, BEAUTIFUL!"
5) YOU CAN'T GET YOUR ASS KICKED IF YOU DON'T TURN AROUND FOR IT...
This could not, would not, and cannot be tried on me, because I could wipe the floor with any bitch that tried it on me. If you're looking to me as a role model, I assume you can kick some ass, so you should be able to take them on. Just bitchslap them a few times and show them who the big dog is!
6) THEY CAN'T PLAY GAMES WITH YOU IF YOU ARE THE GAME...
Playing along is a little hard to check for, but if you can get your observational skills up there, you can work it. Just remember the following:
i.) If you ask if they're playing, they'll always reply "No."
ii.) Notice a few tell-tale signs about playing with you (most times, the person's voice and the look in their eyes will be slightly different if they're not sincere. Find these times and hammer them...)
"So, what's been going on?"
"You know, the normal stuff...Been thinking about you..."
"Oh, I've been...thinking about... you too..."
(3...2...1....)
"NO, I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU!"
"What?"
"YOU HEARD ME, EVERYONE! THIS PERSON TRIED TO OFFER ME 500 GIL IF I WOULD MAKE OUT WITH THEM!"
7) FOREIGN OBJECTS AND OTHER THINGS THAT LEAVE A MARK...
PLAY ALONG. I cannot stress that enough. If they say to wear a brasseire, DO IT. If they say to go around doing things that Tom Green would turn down as "too stupid" to people for their amusement, DO IT. If she wants you to get circumcised by a drunk guy with a gunblade, STAGE IT. Remember, the Inter-Gender Code says that if she tells you that if you do something that idiotic for her by her request, she must give you a chance. If you really like her, this should be no trouble at all.
8) EYE CONTACT IS FOR PUSSIES...
This is once again easy to get around. Just follow her facial movements to the point where your eyes are always with hers. If she turns her head down, just cradle her chin with your hand, recite some random poem to look "deep" (The one about the Man from Nantucket is my personal favorite for that...), and just reap the benefits.
9) BOYFRIEND? WHAT BOYFRIEND?
This seems completely iron-clad, but if you're serious enough, you can pull it off. Either disregard the guy and continue as normal (eventually they're bound to have a fight. Then just pull up before they make up, act all smooth, and drive a spike through any hopes of them reconciling. Then just run with it....) or just beat the hell out of the guy and pin it on a roving gang of hoodlums. (If you're DC like I am, swearing to find the real culprit and showing them what not to do allows you to beat up a random person AND gets you over with her!)
10) PSYCHE-OUT!
Just remake the Tourettes, and just dispel muscular like so...
"Hey! What's up!"
"Nothing, what about you...::elbows in face::"
"I don't know...::grabs chest::"
"What? ::slaps in face::"
"It's just that new tic thing...::grab them close to you(deep kiss always appropriate in this situation)::"
CONCLUSION
Basically, you may think that people are unreachable, but you couldn't be more wrong. You just need to know how to get through to them and work your skills. (Of course, it helps if you have some...) Well, once again, follow these rules or I'll get you on "The List" so fast....
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Note from the author:
The actions in this piece (particularly Operation: Dispel) have been proven to cause restraining orders and/or not get anywhere with the people you try them on. If you happen to get these things to happen to you, just claim someone who is not me or Seifer (do you WANT to go to the nut house?) told you to do it.